tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65801091112280567502024-03-13T19:33:15.410+02:00My Pathway to MotherhoodBillyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.comBlogger415125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-36727223979883117972017-04-13T04:16:00.001+03:002017-04-13T04:16:40.880+03:00Oh, my! Was it that long since I last posted? Well it was not an easy year (and a third..), I have wanted to write here, but, well time, energy etc. Anyway, since I'm here, just a picture of Butterfly and Rainbow..<br />
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<img alt="Image may contain: one or more people, people sitting and outdoor" src="https://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/17799312_10154599200548251_697541259479919413_n.jpg?oh=8ace0e2c42a9d0c78788653b9c542fb4&oe=594D4BC2" />Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-56107316967659382342016-01-03T01:27:00.001+02:002016-01-03T01:27:19.749+02:00A mother of two..I sill cannot believe i am a moher of two, a girl and a boy. Wait, let me go back 3 weeks (and a day) to the 11th of December (did i mention in previous post being in the high risk ward?). At about 20:30 i was sitting the bed doing a crossword puzzle when i feel something wet down below. First thought is could it be that i just peed?! Next thought was how embarraing (roommate was with her husband). "I think my water broke" i told her.<br />
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Can't be, i said. I am only 31 (plus 3) weeks! I can't be deliveing now! Oh, forgot to mention the amiotic (no spell check her so please forgive my teribble spelling..) fluid. Baby A had too much while baby B had too litle, so 2 days before giving birth they drained some amiotic fluid from baby a hoping it would help.<br />
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Anyway very soon after Ofir was born (21:27). She was born vaginaly, and at 1.008 kg, what a big difference from Butterfly's birth! I still had that breaking point where i cried that i can't, but still tchnically it was a very easy birth.<br />
I did not see her after birth. I was at peace with myself and no need of seeing her. I believe she had a reason for being, for coming to live in me for a brif time. I am thankful for her for making me a mother of twins but mostly for not dying inside me rather dying soon after birth. I believe she chose it was time for her to go. I wonder if she and Rainbow had some goodbye kicking between them (i would like to believe tha yes, she did say goodbye to her twin).<br />
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All this time, i was shaking terribly. I was scared and i was freezing cold. So when the doctor pushed his hand in and said twinB is breeched so c-section, as much as i hated the idea of an operation etc, i was so scared and cold that i actually welcomed the oppertunity of being sedated.<br />
Rainbow was born 10 minutes later, weighing 1.328 kg. He is doing fine, hopefully will be able to come home soon.<br />
I'll finish with some pics.. (Ok, can't pn this devise, so when o come home and have my good old computer..<br />
<br />Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-31841341785582422002015-11-28T21:44:00.003+02:002015-11-28T21:44:22.459+02:00Ofir and Rainbow<u>The Shortest Version</u><br />
I am pregnant. Twins. One of them doesn't have a brain. Don't yet know what the next step is (that is how and when to finish its life).<br />
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<u>The Short Version</u><br />
I totally believed I was not pregnant, so much so that I refused to actually have a pregnancy test - I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative result (more so it being my last attempt). I did feel strange things but was sure it was either a tumour or that my inner female parts had fallen or something like that. I did learn I was pregnant when my tummy started growing really big and I had some milk from my boobs.<br />
I saw the doctor yesterday (one that I made an appointment when I thought it was a tumour etc) and saw that there were twins, one of them a bit smaller and without a brain. He sent me to the hospital for further consultation as to what to do.<br />
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Ofir is the name I had for if I had twins, so that's the name of the foetus that won't survive. Ofir is a Biblical land of gold. <br />
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I do not know the gender of either - I didn't want to know. I do know that they are not the same gender.<br />
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I was going [about a week ago when I wrote the above..] to write a much longer and detailed version (aka The Long Version...) but I think the above gives the main story.<br />
A great happiness and a great sadness mixed together.<br />
I want to somehow say goodbye to Ofir. He or she is my child. I am not sure what or how. Will it be right for me to see him/her after birth? etc. I do feel Ofir kicking in me. I go from wanting to ignore its existence completely to wanting to cherish its picture forever. I hope to use this platform to say goodbye from Ofir.<br />
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Rainbow, on the other hand is the name of the twin that should survive. Butterfly chose that name.. She, btw, doesn't know about Ofir, only that I am pregnant with Rainbow. Though she does know something is wrong (it is hard to hide). But she did say the other day while playing (that is, not to me) that it can't be that mummy has twins because her tummy isn't so big. It is hard hiding from her when she is around me most of the day (a homeschooling single mum..). I am starting to wonder if I should tell her or not.Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-3126360228804835632015-10-10T05:21:00.002+03:002015-10-10T05:21:26.252+03:00Unschooling, Learning to Read and Bilingualism I am currently unschooling, which means I do not actively teach Butterfly but let her choose what she wants to learn. This doesn't mean I don't do things to enhance her learning, but I do it based on what I see interests her. For example she asked about the sun setting and just explaining wasn't enough so I bought her a globe so I could shine a torch in a dark room and show her while turning the globe round how the sun sets. Meanwhile she got interested in the counties on the globe, so one thing leads to another [unfortunately the globe broke quite quickly].<br />
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I mainly want her reading/writing and early maths skills to be "unschooled"<span style="color: #999999;"> [in the future I do intend to do more teaching, though with a tendency towards unschooling]</span> as such I didn't want to teach her the alphabet song or letters etc before I saw she was ready for it. The time has come when I felt she was ready and so I got her some magnetic letters. Hmmm... Butterfly took no interest in them. I thought that's how most children somehow learn to read, while playing with letters. I also thought that reading books to her will lead to her "reading" them back to me while slowly getting it and really reading. Nope, that never happened.<br />
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What she does do, and I believe will be how she will eventually learn how to read and write, is to find printed words [they are everywhere! on her bag, on a box for a toy, on a kid's tent, etc..], copy those words and then come up to me and ask what she has written, I love that she does that because that is her unique way.<br />
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She doesn't do this everyday, rather from time to time. On the one hand I would like her to do it more often, I am eager to have her reading or beginning to read already, and she seems so far from it. On the other hand I do want to give her the time she needs. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201002/children-teach-themselves-read" target="_blank">Research </a>shows that when kids are left to learn at their own pace (i.e they don't have to keep up with the pace dictated by the school or by homeschool parents who teach "by the book") they learn to read anywhere between the ages of 4-9 or even later, so we do have time, no need to rush..<br />
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In the beginning, the words she copied were in English, but now she finds words both in Hebrew and in English. I am not sure if she distinguishes between English and Hebrew words [though totally different!]. It seems that she doesn't but maybe she knows more that she expresses. Anyway I am wondering about this [I thought she would first learn to read and write in English and then in Hebrew. Seems that nothing goes how I thought it would :-) ]. I know that you don't teach reading simultaneously in two different languages, especially languages so different, more so when one is from left to right and the other from right to left. It is just too confusing. But that is true when actively teaching reading. What happens with a bilingual unschooled child is not something I know much about. I do believe it will slow the learning thoughI do believe she will eventually learn to read and write but how and when.. no idea!Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-61372363152226291032015-09-26T16:18:00.001+03:002015-09-26T16:18:49.678+03:00Twice in one day..<br />
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It is a hot day. Me and Butterfly go to several shops, get ourselves something nice to eat, then go nearby to sit in the shade on some grass and enjoy ourselves. Suddenly I realize we are missing her scooter. as we assume that we forgot it in the last shop which was nearby, I tell her to wait for me, I don't even put on my sandals and I go.<br />
Well of course it wasn't there! And I had to go barefooted on the hot pavement to where we did forget it. Anyway, as I was returning with the scooter, from a distance I could hear a child crying, and I just knew it was Butterfly. It wasn't that I identified her cry, I think I was too far for that, but it was more of that knowing feeling one has. Seems I was a bit too long and she got scared and she even started to pack our stuff to look for me (luckily I got there before she actually went off...).<br />
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Later in the evening she was going to spend the night with my mum. Her cousin also wanted to join, which sounds like great fun! But when I left she suddenly wasn't so sure about spending the night without me. She has spent the night a few times at her grandmother's without me and was very happy about that, but maybe reminding her earlier about the first time she "spent the night" at grandma's [we lived in a unit in her house] and how I had to be with her, caused her to reflect. Anyway she did agree to stay (with her cousin, sounded much more fun than going home!) and I limped [=blister on foot. see above story...] my way home. I came home, relaxed, ate a bit and about an hour later decided to call to see how things are. As I pressed the number 2 to dial to my mum [the shortcut key] the telephone rang. It was daughter asking to come back home. That was totally amazing because it really was that same second!<br />
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And on another note.. I've got a FB friend. Someone I know personally from the homeschooling community and I really love her. Except she is pregnant now and ohhh.. Although I suspected she was pregnant, her "announcement" (more asking for advice on a FB group we both belong to) was painful. It was probably a crappy timing for me as I was just beginning to come to terms with me not being pregnant.<br />
Anyway she did mention in another FB group we both belong to how she hates being pregnant, also about having pregnancy diabetes. And I get it that some women just hate being pregnant, even women who try for years to get pregnant [NOT her case] can feel crap and horrible about the actual pregnancy. I did enjoy my pregnancy and really loved it, but I do get it that others feel differently.<br />
She now posted a short status saying that being pregnant is like being in a prison; being with pregnancy diabetes is like being in a dungeon in a prison.<br />
It is her page, she can say what she wants and she is having a hard time. But oh, how I would LOVE to be in her place. On one hand I want to say something bitchy about how there are women who would love to be pregnant, on the other hand, as I said, it is her page. I think I will be much more relieved than her when she finally gives birth!Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-81329032254796089952015-09-16T05:56:00.000+03:002015-09-16T05:57:44.977+03:00Butterfly has a book with her story. Something I bought which talks about donor sperm plus IVF but since they were out of print, I had to print it myself and laminate and put it together as a book. In her eyes, I created this book for her..<br />
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The other day she said to me - mummy, I will make a book for you. And this is what she made:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AD2-NLEjdaY/VfjZSIKsRrI/AAAAAAAABVg/gOP_nB2AcNE/s1600/IMG_0996.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AD2-NLEjdaY/VfjZSIKsRrI/AAAAAAAABVg/gOP_nB2AcNE/s320/IMG_0996.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #666666;">(don't know what she drew on the left. any ideas?)</span></td></tr>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e1UFvadAKdU/VfjZSUSJxiI/AAAAAAAABVw/CfxRkCqg464/s1600/IMG_0997.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e1UFvadAKdU/VfjZSUSJxiI/AAAAAAAABVw/CfxRkCqg464/s320/IMG_0997.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNWbJjI0VOY/VfjZSas1a1I/AAAAAAAABVk/9UgA0_1ChOI/s1600/IMG_0998.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNWbJjI0VOY/VfjZSas1a1I/AAAAAAAABVk/9UgA0_1ChOI/s320/IMG_0998.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #666666;">the last word is the Hebrew for boob, since that's the word we used.</span></td></tr>
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After she drew the pictures, she told me the story and I wrote it down. These are mostly her words. I did add the sentence about being pregnant (how could she skip over that...) but the rest is hers.</div>
Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-46772535832822167022015-09-08T01:21:00.000+03:002015-09-08T01:29:41.220+03:00Guinea Pig<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My daughter has a new pet - a guinea pig. She feeds it, plays with it, cleans its cage (hopefully!) and whatever needs to be done. Well actually it is all because of Stirrups Queen and a post I was reading (<a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/08/559th-friday-blog-roundup/">http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/08/559th-friday-blog-roundup/</a>) and Butterfly seeing the guinea pig just fell in love with that animal.<br />
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As it happened to be Peggy's birthday,<br />
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<tr><td><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CbQyw11h6DU/Ve4JQvGoJ0I/AAAAAAAABVI/n5RlbSshHRQ/s1600/New-TY-Beanie-Boos-Fantasia-Unicorn-Plush-Animals-Toy-6-15cm-Ty-Big-Eyes-Stuffed-Animals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CbQyw11h6DU/Ve4JQvGoJ0I/AAAAAAAABVI/n5RlbSshHRQ/s320/New-TY-Beanie-Boos-Fantasia-Unicorn-Plush-Animals-Toy-6-15cm-Ty-Big-Eyes-Stuffed-Animals.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Peggy<br />
[not ours but exactly the same..]</td></tr>
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she got a guinea pig as a present!<br />
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And this is our [well Peggy's] new guinea pig:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hvuVIof6C14/Ve4LSwTIASI/AAAAAAAABVQ/IVhWdifTv80/s1600/Guinea%2BPig.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hvuVIof6C14/Ve4LSwTIASI/AAAAAAAABVQ/IVhWdifTv80/s320/Guinea%2BPig.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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As you can see, he's got a wheel and some food and water and some games (he did have a place for going into and Butterfly did try to make a see-saw for him).<br />
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I just love my kid's imagination and how she can play pretend and create a real-imaginative world from the things around her [unfortunately we are not allowed real pets in out flat]. I also love how we've learnt a lot about guinea pigs, each time she asks a question (what does it eat? does it like water? how long does it live? etc) we google it, watch a video and learn more about this animal.Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-38879876560210257672015-07-14T00:21:00.002+03:002015-07-14T00:21:34.208+03:00At the PoolFirst time this year with daughter at the pool. Our plan this year for the summer is to go at least once a week to the pool as our local pool has a cheap, almost free, rate one day week [summer is always hard financially for me, this year even more with that final attempt at a sibling].<br />
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Last year and the previous year, when we did go to the pool, she would not go into the big pool but rather stayed in the little kids' pool. Which was okay, but don't you want to have fun in the big pool? Mummy would sure rather the big pool, lol.<br />
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This year she's been talking about the big pool and if I will allow her etc. I thought we'd be a bit in the big pool but spend most of the time in the little pool. Well we spent the whole time in the big pool! Obviously in the big pool we needed floats. She did wear floats before, but in the little kids' pool it wasn't a necessity and as the pool was so shallow, they didn't really make her float, so today was like it was the first time. She was scared at first and needed me to hold her.<br />
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Then, about half a minute after she went in, when she was still clinging to me, she was wondering why she wasn't moving. Oh well.. We also had a float board. She quite quickly got adjusted to it and managed to get around in the pool, saying she was swimming. At that time there was a swimming lessons taking place very near, so I pointed it out. "I don't need swimming lessons", she declared, "I already know how to swim!". okay, lol.<br />
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All in all it was a lovely time :-).Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-48622363654708597562015-07-07T02:51:00.001+03:002015-07-07T02:52:21.062+03:00Birthday PartyIt was Butterfly's birthday a few weeks ago and we celebrated it last weekend. It was a themed birthday - for the first time! At first she wanted a dinosaur party [at one time she also wanted a princess party, but, well, no..], but then changed it to pirates. I love that we live in a day and age where you can just google and find almost anything you want. So I googled and got many ideas from the web.<br />
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We played treasure hunt, with each clue they found they had some kind of mission before they could continue looking for the next clue.</div>
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Their first mission was to dress up as pirates</div>
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The next mission was supposed to be building a boat from a milk carton. That was supposed to be our craft work for the party, but since I hadn't managed to collect enough milk cartons and since we were beginning to be pressured for time as we started late and sister had to go with her kids, I decided to skip it.</div>
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Next was my daughter's mission. She has the idea that pirates throw bottles with messages in them to the sea, so she wanted our pirates to do the same. Okay, that was easy - we took empty bottles and the kids drew or wrote something on paper and then rolled it and closed it with some plasticine. I did originally want to have a tub with water, for the previous mission and for this one, to have the bottles float in the water, but we didn't in the end.</div>
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After that there was a game of biting into an apple which was hanged on a string, with their hands behind their backs. Maybe it is more doable for older kids, but it was quiet impossible for this lot.. At least they had fun trying and got to nibble their apples once we decided it was enough and took them down.</div>
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While searching for the next clue, Butterfly found the last clue. Poor girl, I got really cross with her! Oh and sometimes the kids were running in the wrong direction, and nooooo, not there. The first clue was actually the funniest in that sense as we were standing next to an olive tree [when planning, I didn't know where we were going be at the beginning]. So we were standing near the olive tree and the first clue was hiding in the.... olive tree. But the kids, following the leader, just run some-place else. One kid said he didn't know what was an olive tree, but Butterfly does know!</div>
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Now the mission was to dip their hand in a bucket (a small tub, actually..) filled with stones and plastic gold coins, and with eyes covered, take out as many coins while we are all counting to ten.</div>
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The last mission was to make a pirate's hooked hand. I had a paper cup for each and a shape of a hook (actually like a capital J so that they can bend the top part and stick it to the cup.).</div>
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<img height="480" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11401414_10153151925992933_2819390705277384859_n.jpg?oh=f3168a6ae8a4b58554edbf1adc081709&oe=56271425&__gda__=1444070103_47aa043dd9855e86f909d621e3c07da9" width="640" /></div>
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And now was supposed to be the last clue. The one that Butterfly found earlier. It was a stupid clue saying - you have reached the treasure, and luckily Butterfly didn't realize the treasure was so near [she can't read, it was a bit behind], because she would have yelled that she found the treasure if she did sea it... While the kids were searching for the treasure (and asking me about all sort of little things if they were the treasure), I saw it click on Butterfly that she knows! And indeed she run there (while I purposefully looked at the other kids who were way off, trying not to give away..) and found the treasure. She did have some advantage over the other kids as she did know what it was. </div>
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I had an old plastic "tool box" which I wrapped in brown paper and some gold to make it look like a treasure chest. I then filled it with stones which I wrapped in gold sticky paper to make it look like all sorts of gold, some more of the coins and a little bag for each kid, containing a pirate rubber, some gold coins and a little pirate [with the baby getting an airplane] </div>
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Then there was the cake. Oh, dear, the cake! She wanted a blueberry cake. I couldn't find then so I bought what I thought was the same idea (I think cranberry, but I'm not sure). At home I realizes they were sour. Ouch. So I put them in sugared water. But the worse, I was supposed to bake two round cakes in order to make a dinosaur (yes, a pirates birthday, but I had already learn how to do a dinosaur cake and she was happy with that). Well, left it to the very last minute and they didn't come out. At least I managed to save one of the cakes so we had cake at the party, but not the dinosaur one. Oh well..</div>
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Let me tell you, it was hard work towards the party and the day itself, but it was all worth it!! She had a wonderful day and enjoyed it so much she didn't want to come home (we had it at my father's place as he has a big garden). She had quiet a big tantrum coming back which was not easy as I myself was over tired. Next year she wants to have bonfire at the beach. Oh yes, that sounds so much easier!! </div>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-88747657650984029522015-07-02T05:40:00.000+03:002015-07-02T05:40:03.649+03:00Noga<img alt="Image result for venus moon" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSA2FJu97HIBoL9qbDystPsHrLR8ASo7Jp6FdtFpsX3wGHk2_6P" /><br />
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Noga is the Hebrew for Venus. The meaning of the word is brightness, glow. In the bible, Noga was one of King David's men, so originally it was a masculine name, but today it is very much a girl's name. Noga was my intended name for my child, whether girl or boy.<br />
I know it's weird having a name before you are even pregnant (which obviously is not to be). but I feel very strongly to this name. In fact, it was only when this name came to me that I managed to start trying for a second child. I wanted to start T42 when daughter was two, but I couldn't get to move on it until, as I said, I had the name.<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">Post is a response to the images on FB of a huge Venus and a small Jupiter side by side. Jupiter, by the way it <i>Tzedek</i> in Hebrew, which means justice, fairness. Just saying..</span>Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-2883502978250697392015-06-26T04:26:00.001+03:002015-06-26T04:26:08.652+03:00Where to begin.. Well with T42, I suppose.<br />
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That last attempt failed and then quickly before turning 45 I've tried one more last time. The fact is that until the age of 45 (or 2 children) you can have fertility treatments at a much lower price. After that it's full price. It was difficult for me financially when it wasn't full price, no way can I carry on after I've reach the 45 mile stone.<br />
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This time I went with a private doctor (up till now I tried to minimize expenses and just went with what the clinic offered). And also with an acupuncturist. Wow, that was amazing and I am so sorry I didn't go before. <b>All </b>of my 8 eggs that were harvested were fertilized. Granted one of them only after the retrieval but still, seven out of 8!!! So she was amazing, but the doctor.. he was lousy. I am so sorry I went with him. I felt pressed for time so I went with the first doctor available. And he really was crap.<br />
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For start he put me on a lot of hormones. When I bought the prescriptions, the pharmacists looked at me and asked if I was sure I needed all that. I was used to doctors writing prescriptions for more than necessary, just to be on the safe side and thought that I'd probably end with quite a bit of medicine leftover which I would pass on. Hmmm.. no. We used it all. I feel so damn for that because clearly I have wronged my body (I still haven't received my period, I think I'm already 4 weeks late. And no, there is no baby inside me).<br />
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Then there was the transfer. The one thing I hate most about the transfer is the anaesthesia. I just can't bare waking up from it. So a few cycles ago I tried without, and it wasn't too bad, likewise previous cycle. So again I wanted to do it with no anaesthesia. Well he really wasn't pleased about that! He can't do his job properly, because he doesn't like the idea of hurting me.. I don't buy that. It's probably easy when the patient is out unconscious, not aware of what's happening and you don't have to careful with her body. Anyway I did insist on no anaesthetise, and so it was..<br />
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Now we come to the retrieval. I am just so sad by this. Well first there is the part where only when I'm half naked with my legs spread open, do he and the embryologist talk to me about how many eggs to return. Initially I didn't want more that 3. But when I was in such a state, I just went with whatever they said, which was 4. Was not pleased with that. But that's the least. After he inserted the embryos [and I should add, all on one needle. Isn't that too risky?] he didn't say lets see that the needle is clean of eggs (like some doctors do), he didn't tell me to wait a bit. No, he pulled the chair down, but maybe because he didn't know the chair or for whatever reason, it was with a jerk. I have just been inseminated with my most precious embryos. Precious as this is my last ever cycle. And I last my baby due to an incompetent doctor who jerked the chair down. He obviously knew he did something wrong because he then said something stupid about not going to the toilet. Which you know, they want you with a full bladder so you do need to go. I waited of course as much as I could (20 minutes like he said).<br />
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I am so devastated and so upset that I didn't even have a chance this cycles. My babies were killed even before they got a chance to enter me. And I can tell you, I know they had never been in me. All of my cycles, I have ALWAYS felt my breast twinge. Mostly for just one little instance, sometimes more (previous cycle I really felt my breasts sore. Until they stopped, which was when I knew it was a negative. I do believe I was pregnant but probably there was something wrong with the the embryo). This cycle there was absolutely nothing. The sad thing is that I always thought it was side effect of the progesterone. Well like with the meds leading to the transfer, I was over dosed with prog to a point that my lower tummy was really hurting, stretching kind of hurting. But nothing in the boobs. And I am so sad and so upset by this, I can hardly sleep at night. It just hurts to much.<br />
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So now I am trying to re-look at my family. We are a family of two and like this we will be. I really wanted a sibling for my girl. I grew up in a family of 6 kids and I always wanted a big family. Okay, I would compromise for two, but one?? My daughter doesn't have a father or a sibling. I feel a twinge sometimes about the father part. Most kids have, she doesn't. But about the no sibling? I so wish I could give her a brother or a sister. And oh, most kids around us have siblings. In fact there is always a pregnant mother in our homeschooling group, but maybe that's for another post..<br />
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This has been a long post, but I did have to tell the whole story. You see, it's eating me up and I have no one I can tell this to, I had to vent. Anyway since it's long, I'll update about Butterfly some other time..Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-92152624960863936462015-03-22T21:11:00.001+02:002015-03-23T04:23:44.994+02:00A Ray of Hope<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sorry I haven't been here in s-u-c-h a long time! A lot has happened.. Butterfly learnt to ride a bicycle (without training wheels) within a day - due to riding a balance bike for two year. All she had to learn was how to peddle, because she already knew how to keep her balance. She is now flourishing socially. It is lovely to watch her! We have just moved to a new place (are still in the process of unpacking), and..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am currently in my last tww ever. Last not because I know I will end with a baby, but because I won't be able to do any more cycles. I know that at least I have my daughter, and she is wonderful and amazing and all, but I still would have really wanted to have more than one child. Yesterday we were at her cousin's birthday party and daughter was being motherly towards his baby brother - something she has never done before, and that made me so sad knowing that chances are that I won't be able to give her a little brother or sister.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At 8dpo I peed on a stick. Completely naughty me, I know.. The previous day my boobs were hurting me a lot and then the next day nothing. So I decided to use the last pee stick I had at home, believing it's a negative but hoping to at least see a positive due to the trigger. It was negative and I completely crushed. I hate this IVF with the progesterone supplement that makes your boobs hurt and you wonder whether it's an early pregnancy symptom or just the supplement. And yes, there is a ray of hope, and I am oh, so hoping [if you can, please look up tonight at the stars, at Venus in particular, and send some positive energy. thank you!]. But as much as I am hoping, I do know the chances are slim. As much as I would like, I can't stop taking now the progesterone, as long as there is a little bit of hope. And I hate this little bit of hope that doesn't let me get over this cycle and really morn not being able to produce a sibling.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Moving houses during the tww - a great way to put your mind of this crazy thought roller coaster -- some of the time.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">EDT after publishing this post I went and read posts from my successful cycle. Unfortunately this cycle doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Reading over there, while I totally didn't believe I was pregnant, I did have some sensitive feeling in the boobs. While I can't say I have completely nothing now, it is becoming less and less. But I also liked what I wrote there about hope, just what I was trying to write here...</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">P.S.S - this is my 404th post. 404 - isn't that the number you get when you get to a web page that doesn't exist anymore?? [i.e baby #2]</span></div>
Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-62487578255014967712014-07-23T03:43:00.002+03:002014-07-23T15:40:22.644+03:00I See the SeaLast year I wanted to take Butterfly to the sea. Okay, at the beginning of the season we went a couple of times with my mother and sister and kids, but I wanted to go solo with her and more than just once or twice. Unfortunately we then had a polio scare (more an exaggerated scare) in which kids were given to the mouth drops of live vaccine. Since my daughter is not vaccinated, I preferred staying away from places she might get it. So the sea became a big no-no.<br />
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Then this year, our homeschooling group decided that since it is too hot in the summer to meet at place X during the morning-early afternoon, that we shall shift to a late afternoon beach gathering. Yay, I thought! We shall have lots of sea this year! Well. hmmm... so far none! I mean there was a first gathering which I couldn't attend but then... again, a big no-no.</div>
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Because it is a big open place with no where I know to run to in case of rockets. Because this is our reality now. I have to add that I am not saying this side is right or wrong or that this side is suffering more or suffering less. I feel sorry for the civilians on the other side who are also having a terrible time. I really feel sorry for them. I debated whether to put a picture of a house (in my neighbourhood!) that got a direct hit from a rocket, but think I won't because I really do not want to turn this post into a political one. I just want to write about us, about life for me and my daughter.</div>
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We live in the centre of Israel, in a small town not far from the airport. We are not used to sirens here. The south of Israel, yes, unfortunately they are used to it, but not here in the centre. Well, about two weeks ago we had our first one. I was at home alone and my sister was out with the kids (mine and hers) at the playground. Since they were out in the open, they saw how it was intercepted, mainly seeing a little cloud. My sister gave some kind of explanation, my daughter understood there is something that might scratch her face, and well, I thought that was a crazy thing but that's it. </div>
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Well, I think it has been two weeks. Butterfly knows that when she hears the siren we must immediately go the the <span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 13pt;">reinforced security room, close door and window and wait (while playing a game!). We should wait ten minutes (that's the official </span><span style="font-size: 17px;">guidelines), but we wait till we hear the booms, usually two, wait maybe another minute or two and then go out and carry on with what we were doing before.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">And Butterfly asks so many questions - what if we are in the street? What do we do? Where do we go? She asks about the little cloud [she associates the booms with the little cloud she saw at the playground], what can it do, etc. And how do you explain this to a little girl? To a little girl who doesn't really know good and bad, a girl who has no witches in her world. How do you tell her about wars and about fighting and how these rockets intend to do a little bit more than just scratch her face?? I try and stay calm, to be almost indifferent (oh, yes that is a siren. yes, let's go to the security room. can you close the door while I close the window?), but I know she knows it is more than that.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">And then this morning I woke up hoping she doesn't wake up so I can sleep a bit more. I went to the toilet, came back and snuggled carefully next to her, when the siren went. We both immediately jumped and went to the security room. Here is the place to add that we live in a wooden house and that I live in a unit on the second floor in my mother's house. The security room is in my mother's house, so we quickly have to go to her house, unlock the door (mother is currently on vacation abroad) and go to the security room. Luckily we have a minute and a half (in the south, they only have 15 seconds), so we managed to do that. And then we hear a boom. This time just one single one, and it was loud, very loud! Apparently it was somewhere in my neighbourhood, and more so, it was a rocket that managed to escape the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_Dome" target="_blank">Iron Dome</a> and land on a house, destroying it. I can tell you, that is scary.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Tonight I think I will sleep on the sofa at my mum's. Not comfortable but if they are targeting the airport and again send us a rocket... Anyway, hope next year we'll manage to have fun at the sea!</span></span></div>
Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-35873325429025560772014-07-09T03:00:00.000+03:002014-07-09T03:03:16.712+03:00~ 4 ~<br />
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Butterfly is FOUR and totally amazing! She loves to hug and cuddle and tell me how much she loves me. In fact she melted my heart the other day when she said that if she had a mother [we were talking about frogs not having a mother, lol], she would want THIS mother.</div>
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She now loves "reading" me stories, as well as writing (shopping lists, recipes, etc). My eldest niece used to do a lot of "writing" before she knew how to write - scribbling on a piece of paper, claiming to have written this or that. I thought it was a stage kids go through, but then I didn't see any of my nieces/nephews do it. But now my daughter is also doing it, and I love it. Love that she wants to learn to read and write, and is playing around with it. I took a video of her writing, love how she sounds the words as she "writes" them - it does show, in my opinion, some understanding of the connection between the oral language and the written one.</div>
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Lately I have been taking a lot of videos of her - always asking her if I can, she always telling me, at some point, to stop videoing..</div>
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Two notes about the video - first, <i>metapelet</i> is a nanny. Second, towards the end she says something about if there is a noise we have to go inside - we had a siren earlier today [it is mostly quiet here] and I explained to her how we have to go inside, etc, telling her that we might have to change our plans for later this week (we were supposed to go to the sea! Not sure if it will be wise..]. She got a brief explanation, not going into the big picture of rockets and shooting and killing and all. Hopefully I won't have to talk more about it all, but how do you explain to a four year old???</div>
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Oh another note - that fringe? She cut it by herself. lol. </div>
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On the down side - we still have difficulties socializing in the homeschooling group. We also have a wetting problem, which gets better and then worse again. </div>
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Her birthday party with the family was a success :-). I had bubbles for the kids, and they made a horse on a stick (using a sock and all sorts of things to glue on) and they played around :-). In the months before we were fooling around with the idea of making a colourful cake. So I attempted to make a colourful cake - using only natural ingredients (for example, beetroot cooked with coconut milk produces pink).The colours didn't so much come out, but oh well.. at least I tried, lol. [At the last minute I decided to try and make a 4..]</div>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-48491025776276612102014-06-07T03:00:00.000+03:002014-06-07T03:00:32.164+03:00Playful Parenting / Lawrence Cohen - not a book reviewI am aiming for this to be a series of me writing about parenting/homeschooling books I've read, but at this rate... Anyway I really enjoyed reading this book, I think I've learnt a lot from it. I hope to be a more fun parent who plays more with her kid.<br />
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Today Butterfly asked me why I wanted a baby and I answered for her to have someone to play with. Meaning more in the terms of siblings as a long-term relation, that they will have each other long after I am gone, but I just said to play with. She replied in a happy voice: "that means you won't have to play with me anymore". Ouch! Big ouch. The truth is, besides being so energyless, I can't explain but I don't really want to play with her. Actually weird because before I had her, when it was other people's kids I looked after, I could play with them for hours. But when we play, mainly her playmobile and blocks that she builds things for them [and I will add in brackets that I love how she uses her imagination plus "building skills" with the combination of the two], I am tires and can't stop yawing. I try not showing her but obviously she sees. I wouldn't want my mother to behave like that when she plays with me, so why can't I do better!? She used to call me a lot to come to play, I am sad to admit she calls me much less. I want to play with her but I also don't want to play with her. C does talk about this and says playing with your child might be difficult because it brings up your own feelings etc. Don't know, just know that I have to work on it.<br />
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C talks about the importance of play for building a bond between parent and child and as a way for the child to express herself. Playing also lets kids try adult roles, helps them reconnect with their parent and recover from emotional stress. He talks about getting down (literally & metaphorically) and playing with your kid. I am glad to say that I never had any problem sitting on the floor and playing..<br />
He also talks about the importance of rough-housing. In short rough-housing creates opportunity for a human, physical connection, and it increases the kids confidence and their sense of power [he does have rules, like no hitting or biting, and stopping as soon as a code word is said, by either side]. So I started rough-housing (or trying to) with Butterfly. We call it wrestling and I try to prevent her from getting to the sofa. But she usually doesn't like me to hold her "tight" and prefers the version in which she runs away and goes from sofa to sofa while I "didn't notice". So we don't have much of the physical contact while rough-housing, but I think that is okay as we do have a lot of physical contact throughout the day with hugs and kisses and just being near each other. On the other hand, as this is something fathers usually do, I don't want her not to have this kind of play, plus the other advantages he talked about, so I do try. Though as a mother trying to rough-house on one hand but on the other hand make sure she does not get hurt - not so easy..<br />
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Talking of play (and of no dad).. We usually play "mummy" and "daughter" (and friends) or "baby" with the playmobile. The other day I decided to add "daddy" but then felt that maybe it was wrong of me so I quickly added "brother" and "sister" [of which all she doesn't have any]. Today we had "mummy", "daughter" and "baby" and I was debating if to add "daddy" or not. On the one hand she doesn't have a daddy so why make her play this kind of imaginary game, that is why cause her to feel bad about it. On the other hand I do want her to feel normal and comfortable about who she is, including the fact that she doesn't have a daddy. Not to feel that it is something to hide or to be ashamed of so I think I should play this theme with her, but I really don't know, don't want to push her but don't want to ignore it.Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-45813244820303510352014-04-16T00:45:00.000+03:002014-04-16T00:47:52.142+03:00Oh, I know I haven't been here in way too long. Unfortunately I hardly have time. We are doing fine - Butterfly is such an amazing little kid, and the things she says :-)<br />
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Just wanted to put here this short video of my crazy little girl being soaked by her cousin [I see kids on FB dressed nicely, hair tied up and everything is so neat and tidy, and I think how nice these kids look, but they are so not my kid! This is my kid; having fun playing with water, and earlier in mud, being barefooted (and changing clothes many times)]Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-5382448113498956272014-02-18T13:11:00.000+02:002014-02-18T13:11:28.414+02:00"I want a daddy"Our first. Upon telling her the very sad news that a girl from our homeschooling group has just lost her father (I don't know how old he was, but he was a young guy. It seems he had a heart attack while playing basketball. I was so shocked and sad to hear the news), upon telling her about it and stupidly saying that now E has only a mummy [okay, there is a learning curve also for parents..] Butterfly said she wanted a daddy. I did explain that she never had one and probably never will [I do not see myself in the future with a guy let alone a guy that could be a father to my daughter]. I asked if she was sad about it and she said yes.<br />
It was a very short conversation and we quickly moved on. She did not cry or seem too sad. I was thinking - yes, it is my fault you do not have a daddy, but also - if it weren't for me, you would not have been born.<br />
[and can't stop thinking of the 5 yr old girl (and her baby brother and mother) who will grow up without a daddy - how in some ways it is the same as us, but how it is very much different.]Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-85509080364129716012014-02-15T04:07:00.000+02:002014-02-15T04:07:34.156+02:00What are fairies made from?<br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Purim is soon and I'm making Butterfly a fairy costume. At first we were going to be Bye-Bye Kitty (who would have a purple face = daughter's favourite colour, as opposed to Hello Kitty with her white face....), but fairies is the new thing! So</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I finished her skirt. Now I have to do my skirt, and then figure out how to do the wings and a wand (the wand shouldn't be a problem, it's the wings I'm not sure how..).</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And oh yes, we are both dressing up. My mother said that was weird. I think it is nice for a mother and daughter to dress up together.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Speaking of fairies.. She asked my mother the other day what are fairies made from (I wasn't around). It seems my mother told her fairies are not real. Hmmm.. Perhaps it was a good thing mother told me this only after I gave my answer. Because fairies are not real? What about the Tooth Fairy? I know we have a few years for that, but I am pondering whether I go with the Tooth Fairy or not. Anyway, since we have a book about how she came to be (sperm donor + IVF) and she sometimes asks me what was she made from, and since I explain that she was made from an egg and a sperm - I chose to tell her that fairies are made from sperm and an egg and fairy dust. Not sure if that would be the best answer, but that is what I came up with..<br />Later my mother comes with a Disney DVD about fairies telling me there is an explanation in it of how fairies are made. Hmmm.. No. No, as I already gave my daughter an explanation and no because I really would rather not have my daughter watch a Disney movie.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A dog!! We have a dog :-). [okay, technically he is my mother's]. I love that my child is growing up with animals. We have two cats (Michelle and Cat) and now my mum's dog. My sister who lives next door has two dogs (the younger one, Lola, sharing my daughter's birthday!). Both our dog [Flippy, as my daughter named him..] and Lola are best friends which is wonderful! </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We had/have a bit of a social issue. We meet with our homeschooling group once or twice a week. But for various reasons we didn't come for some time. When we came back she would not play with any of the kids, saying they are not her friends and that they do not want her. Now it is not like before she was great friends with the other kids, but she would go along and try to join. Speaking with other mothers they talked about the importance of having a play-date with only one kid, so that when the kids meet with everyone, they have someone they know a bit more. Finally I arranged a play-date with this other girl (H). They played wonderfully together! Unfortunately since then Butterfly was a bit ill and couldn't go to the homeschooling meetings or to H (as we planned).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And speaking of being ill.. A bit of coughing and a temperature (mainly at night). Mostly she was fine as she usually is when ill but still I had to stay at home with her (so she doesn't pass it on to others). Grrrr... a whole week of not meeting with other kids.. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today she was playing with her cousin who lives next door. It is so fun to watch the two girls play together. They can spend hours running around playing whatever. Love that!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yesterday Butterfly rode with me on my bike! That is a big yay because a couple of months ago I tried to re-introduce my bike to her. I used to take her on my bike, but then she got her balance bike and for about a year and a half my bike was put aside. Well, I took her for a ride and she got scared and didn't want anymore. My bike since was not talked about. Anyway yesterday my little monkey was climbing on my bike in order to get to her boot that was stuck in a high bush (my bike being parked right under that bush) and since she was there she said lets ride. We did a little ride (unfortunately after all this time sitting idle, my bike needs air!) which was great. So yay for my little girl who overcame her fear :-).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And last of all I will tell you that my sister just had a baby and how I feel ever so jealous. Yes, I do have a child, and I am so lucky to have her and so grateful. I know that some of my readers don't yet have even one child and here am I feeling complaining about a second child. And tomorrow we are to visit my sister and new born for the first time. I do not want to go. I do not want to see this baby. I do not want to hear about the birth [a home birth :-(. I would love to have a home birth]. I do not want to look at new-born pictures of the older kids and wow about their similarities. I just don't want to go, but I will, and I will fake it, oh well..</span></li>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-49706821637608713692014-01-21T01:05:00.001+02:002014-01-21T01:05:28.161+02:00Tu BishvatThat is the new year for trees (yes, we have a new year for trees :-) ) and a day we celebrate by planting (and eating dried fruit).<div>
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So Butterfly and I did some planting</div>
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Hope you can see the tree we just planted :-). It is probably a cypress, but did you know that pines live about 400 years! [those are the two types of trees that were given out to be planted].</div>
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[This would be my first Tu Bishvat in many years that I do something :-) And it was a nice day!]</div>
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Thank you for commenting on my previous post!</div>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-63606731425831813742014-01-07T21:46:00.000+02:002014-01-07T21:46:39.052+02:00Delurking WeekLong time no see :-)<div>
Started a post about a week ago but somehow didn't finish it and then.. well I make it a point not to have drafts here. In my previous blog (oh, so many years ago!) my box was full with draft posts.</div>
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Anyway, I ALWAYS just miss delurking week. Thanks to Tiara and her post (thank-you Tiara :-) ) I can post this while it is still delurking week :-). So if you are read my blog, I would love if you said hello, maybe tell me a little about your self. Also, if you write a blog relating to SMC (thinking about, trying to become, a mother) I would like read it! [of course if it's a blog you'd like to share..]</div>
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Hope to come back to blogging more often soon! In the meantime will tell you that besides being difficult, and boy can she be! Butterfly is also amazingly growing! The other day I watched a video from over a year ago. She looks more or less the same, but wow, how much she has changed! And she talks, oh how much she can talk. And you know, the things kids say.. the other day she was asking me "mummy, when is one day?". hmmm, do I too often tell you not now but one day........ ? </div>
Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-6412415667734631302013-10-28T17:41:00.001+02:002013-10-28T17:41:18.586+02:00TuesdayI just had an argument with my mother. As I wrote the other day, I am having trouble Tuesday morning leaving Butterfly with Y. I didn't mention in previous post how Y told me that her husband doesn't really like me being there in the morning as it interferes with the intimacy of their morning (walking around in you jammies etc) and I do get it how an adult in your house can do that (it is not B that bothers him). But it takes time for a child to feel confident and to let her mother go. Hindsight is 20-20 but I should have come with Butterfly to Y a few times before the year begun perhaps also leaving her there for an hour or two, to get used to the idea of being under Y's charge.<br />
Back to my mum. I asked her if she could take Butterfly over as it might the separation might be easier than my mum than from me (and I think I've mentioned but my mum is free Tue morning. and I'm not asking for the whole year, just for a few weeks until B gets used to being with Y). And I do understand it is a bit of an inconvenience. So I mention the trouble I had last Tues morning and ask her to help take B over. She answers with what will happen if she refuses. I say it will be problematic for me. She tells me not to put pressure on her (!) That I could easily send her two days to kindergarten [kindergarten here is what we have before the age of school]. So I am not allowed to put pressure on her but she can pressure me?? And no, I was not putting pressure on her. I am your daughter. I need your help. I really need your help. I asked for your help. Your help has nothing to do with whether your granddaughter goes to kindergarten or not, because by hook or by cook she won't. She then comes up to me saying I am doing this on purpose. ???. I am doing what I as a mother believe is the my daughter's best interest. It is just sad that I come to her asking for help and she won't help me thinking that she by not helping she will twist my arm into sending B to kindergarten. This reminds me of another story from when D, her eldest granddaughter was about 15 and my mother got some hair-removing cream and none of us (her daughter's) wanted it and we all told her D would be happy to have it and my mother said no as she disapproves of hair removing and as long as D isn't an adult, she won't do anything to help D with hair removing. Except do you really think D cared? Do you think she didn't remove the hairs on her leg? Of course she did. My mother's protest had no effect. Just a silly little protest. Then it really was meaningless if she gave D the ointment or not. Now her help is just a little bit more needed. I just have to pray and hope it goes well and hope the lecturer (I have a few lessons, all with the same lecturer..) misses quite a lot of lessons (rumor has it she does).Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-11745827144993024132013-10-28T00:13:00.000+02:002013-10-28T00:13:23.057+02:00tiredI am so tired, I just pushed aside my big pile of assignments to write this post.. Well i don't have time to breathe so I will never get to post and I do want to (though don't count on me remembering what I came here to post!)<br />
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Twice a week I take Butterfly to the homeschooling group. On Thurs it is relatively close and no problem getting there. In fact this is the one I took her to last year. The Sunday one, oh that's a different story! It is quite a schlep and coming back was awful with all the traffic as it was rush hour [though I'd rather stay longer and let her have more good time than leave earlier. Later I can't as I am also teaching and need to be back by a certain hour. Maybe bringing with me something she can eat on the bus, might help).<br />
But socialization is starting to be important and most of the other kids meet daily or almost daily. She still mostly stays a lot with me, but she does go from time to time to play with them, and more importantly, the group of kids her age do know her and know her name! So if they know who she is, I guess it is a good sign we are getting there.<br />
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There is a third day in which I want her to be with the group, although this time without me. I am studying twice a week, but financially it is too difficult paying two days for a nanny without having any income. Someone from the homeschooling group offered to help me as a barter (I will do some translation job for her). First week was okay, though as expected she did cry when I left. First report this woman mentioned how B cried a little. Today, when mentioning that event she said how difficult it was :-(. The following week her son (a 4.5 yrs kid) was just recovering from an illness and was showing us the door - You.. Leave! and then he was okay but she wasn't. Eventually I had to take her with me. The lecturer was very nice about having B in her class, but it really hard making sure she doesn't make much noise. I have never wanted a lesson to end as bad as I wanted the other day! I then took her to my sister, who kindly agreed to help. But taking her to the lesson and or my sister is not an option. Taking her to the nanny is a very bad option. And right now she will not go to this other woman, which I understand because it takes time to get adjusted to new procedures. I am just so stressed about Tuesday!<br />
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But on a positive note, I would like to say that while we do have our difficult moments, on the whole I feel we are doing better than just a short while ago, that if you remember I complained about how difficult it was. I also feel like she gave some kind of metal leap. Tonight I was putting her 5 yrs. cousin to sleep with a book the cousin chose which of course was above B's level. But then she asked me a question that clearly indicated she understood. I didn't think she did.<br />
And then she has these questions. Almost every day she asks me: "mummy, is today tomorrow?" I do understand she is trying to understand the concept of time, but how do you answer such a question?? (I tell her that actually tomorrow never comes as it is always today).<br />
A more difficult question she had the other day when looking at her hair and asking why it was that colour (not like my hair colour). I kind of gave a genetic explanation and how she has some of my genes and some from the donor, but I think I jumped a bit with this talk. I probably should have kept it much more simpler.<br />
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I would like to end with a cousin story. First a bit of background - while my three year old is very independent, this 5 year old (the same girl from before :-) ) is v-e-r-y clingy to her mother. As cousin's parents went for the week, we are helping out look after her and her brother. Oh, and among the instructions the mother gave, one was to keep an eye on them (when outdoors) as they are not used to being too far from her. Anyway the other day we went to this very big playground. I swung the two girls on a spider swing, but then B had enough and she wondered off. I am okay with that, I am not hysterical (my mother is..) plus I did actually follow her with my eyes and knew where she was. For that reason and because my sister specifically requested not to leave her when going places, I stayed with the cousin. Cousin then asks me if my daughter doesn't want to be around me. I was quite puzzled why she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be around me. Cousin continues asking if my daughter doesn't love me. Me again not understanding she continues - because she went so far away from you. Oh my! No, she did not go far away <b>from</b> me. She went <b>to</b> some far away thing. But this is obviously how the 5 yr views things. And her mother travels (work related) a lot!Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-36676378677190608112013-10-06T22:48:00.000+03:002013-10-06T22:48:02.129+03:00Strawberry ShortcakeEarlier today I was asking Butterfly if she wanted to draw Strawberry Shortcake (currently her favourite thing to watch!). I was expecting some kind of scribble. So she started drawing while I was doing other things. She says out loud - here's the head. I look, and yes a circle. Okay, she does know how to draw circles. She then continues to pull lines from the head announcing they are the legs. My mouth opened but I was sure it was just plain coincidence. Can't be she's drawing. Well she was drawing, telling me how she's drawing hands and eyes and mouth. This is her first ever picture of a person!! I also think her first picture with an intention before and not just telling me what it is after seeing the outcome [though not sure if actually the first as earlier she was drawing hearts. I didn't see her draw, so I am not sure if she first drew something and looked at it and told me it was a heart or actually intended on drawing a heart, but for sure the first person drawing].<div>
I was so teary eyed. Only earlier today I was thinking when will my child draw actual pictures and here she is - drawing. I had tears in my throat all day, so much that she asked me why am I talking funny.</div>
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And really lately she amazes me all the time with the things she does or says, Small things like taking her shirts off from the head (new from yesterday. up till now she would pull her hands out and push the shirt down her body. this doesn't always work.. it is still not easy through the head and she still needs help, but she has learnt that this is the way it is done). Small but big :-). Really feels like she is in a developmental leap (maybe that's why it is also a difficult time for us?)</div>
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Oh, I should add that looking at the picture she says to me - "actually it looks like Humpty Dumpty". So humpty dumpty or strawberry shortcake, this is my daughter's first "real" picture!</div>
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The background.. Butterfly somehow has always preferred to draw on the side that has something on than on the empty side :-). </div>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-5984267592653703802013-09-23T02:50:00.000+03:002013-09-23T02:50:32.672+03:00houseI love reading all these arts & crafts blogs with great idea for kids. The other day Butterfly and I made <a href="http://theimaginationtree.com/2012/01/easy-chocolate-play-dough-recipe.html" target="_blank">chocolate playdough</a> from one of these blogs and it came out great! [I also loved how we got brown without food colouring. On Tuesday my niece and nephew will be here so I want to try doing purple, blue and orange playdough]. Not only the colour, but it also smells like chocolate cake :-) [was warned that the purple (made from red cabbage) stinks after a day or so. we'll see..]<div>
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Well, I'd like to show you something little we did :-). Reading at another blog, I saw an idea of taking a big cardboard and making it into a house by cutting and sliding. Loved it, so now I was on the lookout for a big piece of cardboard. Well I found this big box of an air-conditioner (in fact there were two such boxes, but by the time we came back for the second box, it was already squashed with something heavy that was put on it). It was not easy carrying it home, but well, what doesn't one do so her child can have a play house? ha ha. Anyway was going to go by instructions, but then Butterfly went under/inside and I saw that it just needs a little shaping to become a house. So I made a roof and cut a window and a door, and then we got to the job of painting it. Will admit that most of the "work" is mine, somehow Butterfly who usually LOVES painting, didn't fancy to paint much. Will also mention that there is no theme or logic or point to the painting, only to get the house all covered in paint [which we didn't succeed before running out of paint lol].</div>
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So here it is:</div>
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On to another subject..</div>
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Recently I bought the Family Book, but will admit that was a little disappointed. SMC is mentioned as - some families have only one parent (or something like that, the book is not in front of me now). I think I was expecting the word "mummy" mentioned (maybe something like - some families there is only a mummy or only a daddy). Maybe it bothers me because she doesn't know the word "parent" (I read to her as I wrote). Anyway I decided to by this e-book called <i>Before You Were Born</i>. It is a book I encountered before but didn't like because she uses the term cell instead of sperm and egg. I want the real terms used. The plus side is that it is [the one I chose, she has different versions] is SMC + IVF. I am going to print it so we have a hard copy (unfortunately the don't have hard copies for sale) to read (will also try and change the words I don't like..).</div>
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Anyway, so I've been reading Butterfly this story quiet a lot, and many more times she asks me to "tell me about before I was born". I love telling her, love that she wants to know, love these intimate moments between us. Well today we were playing that she is my mummy and I was lying with my head on her knees, so I asked her to tell me about before I was born. To my surprise, she did quite a good job telling me the story [until she got stuck..]. It was not intended, but it was great to hear from her, what she hears and understands.. [unfortunately we were out at the playground and I had no means of recording what she said, would have loved to have her version in writing..]</div>
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Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580109111228056750.post-84842341319715463402013-09-19T01:43:00.001+03:002013-09-19T01:43:31.471+03:00We are three and a quarter. When does it get better???<br />
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As evident from previous post, Butterfly goes to sleep late. Very late. A cycle I don't seem able to stop. I know there are other factors like the fact that we are very much out of routine or that I am feeling very anxious as I don't yet know how and what with my studies. And yes, she is in a difficult age. Take for example today, we were on our way home when she said she wanted to eat. I said okay, when we get home. But she carried on whining about wanting to eat. I do know and understand that kid's logic is not the same as adults and while I understand that if there is no food on us, the best thing is to get home as quick as possible and no point to whine about it. She obviously doesn't yet get that, so she goes on and on. Grrrr. We then passed a small playground. She wanted to go and play. I didn't mind stopping at the playground (but didn't have too much time to spare), so I let her play (of course she forgot she was hungry..). I then decided we had to go. And boy did she cry and whine, riding her balance bike crying how she doesn't want to go home. And I just couldn't stand it anymore. I am so fed up with this whining of hers, I n ever thought it would get up my nerves as it does. So I snapped at her to stop it, and talked angrily to her and shouted at her, but of course all that didn't help, so I just put my hands on my ears as I really couldn't take it any longer. Next she was asking for a hug and stopped her whining. Not proud of my self, and do not want to use this as a method to quite her, but at least for the moment it worked..<br />
Later she whined because she wanted me to ride my bike with her on the pavement and then because we forgot her bottle and she can't drink from the drinking fountain and then on and on because this or that. And I know it a snowball as I am cross and angry at her which not only does not help, it even makes matters worse and then she goes to sleep late and a new horrible day begins.<br />
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On the bright side I want to tell you about the other day. I did something, not sure if it was the right thing to do - I forcefully took something away from her. I do not like to use force on her, as it is not fair as I am the stronger one being the adult. Anyway I digress as this is not the point. The point is that she got angry with me and, as my sister who witnessed told me later, Butterfly was kicking the sofa while hugging me (I had a vague notion about the kicking of the sofa..). My sister was amazed as she said her kids would either try and hit her or want to get away from her. My daughter hugs me. I do love that she feels the need to hug me when I'm cross with her and I don't want her to stop that habit, so I always return that hug, but can be rather difficult when you have angry feelings...<br />
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Another kind of funny thing - she has picked up these annoying habits like being often tired of walking/riding when we go places, telling me it is very far away. This is not the funny part, it is annoying! Before her cousins came with us in the summer holiday on the bus and the walk to the bus, complaining about how long it takes, Butterfly was fine with the walk and with the bus drive. Anyway today these cousins were fighting and telling each other I hate you, and their mother was complaining that this is something new they had learnt from their other cousins (from their father's side) with whom they spent the summer. It was kind of funny as probably the mother of those kids is complaining about X Y and Z who have spoiled her kids as the have never before ...... and so on and so on. My daughter has probably spoiled it (or will) for another mother..<br />
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Oh well, three more months to go! [I have no idea if this gets better at three and a half, but I am going to tell myself that it will!!]Billyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02344488411103420236noreply@blogger.com3