My Pathway to Motherhood

20

2012-02-16T11:48:00.005+02:00

*],,,,,, Not sure why, but my daug .A M ter being 20 months to-// nnn.##### nnnnmm] YF 36 + MKPO7 CV , HHJKBN OPL[;'

[That what happens when you try to start a post with your daughter on your laps.. (p.s - the space bar button was also pressed a lot, but blogger doesn't like too many spaces..)]

Not sure why, but my daughter being 20 months old today.. I need to get out the tissues :)) Maybe it's the nice round figure, maybe it's being that much nearer to a two year old than a 19 month old.

Another thing that caused me to be very excited lately are her shoes. Not the two new pairs I bought. And on a side note I will tell you how happy I was to hear my sister criticize me behind my back about one of the pairs (the one she saw) being "boys" shoes. Because I would hate my girl growing up with the idea that these colours/whatever are for girl, and those for boys. She can/will be able to do what she wants and is capable of, and not what her gender "dictates". Anyway, bought new shoes because her old pair, her first pair of shoes, are small on her. Don't know why, but putting away clothes that were small on her, didn't do anything to me, but her shoes.... I'm keeping them! (wish I could put them in an album..).

I believe we have four! words now :-)

amm - when eating

hmmm - hot (a mixture between En and Heb)

Dada (sometime Didi) - my sister's dog

no - actually I don't think I've heard her say "no" in quite some time! [though she most certainly lets you know it's a now!!]

There is also "appe" that she says when she sees an apple, but I think it is more adult led than on her own so I don't think it is considered a word.

she also says a lot "ma" (and she is so cute when she says it) and "hapi"

Sleep, or rather going to sleep, still very much of a struggle :-( She did have a high temperature the last two days (she's o.k now) which made going to sleep sooo much better.. On a side note, can I say how I love that as we bed share, she can (is) on my breast almost all night long when she's not feeling well and needs it, sleeping on me when she wasn't.

Pinterest. I have just joined it and already one of my facebook friends became a follower. Yikes, I was hoping to learn a bit about it, playing around with pinning - how do you pin, what do you pin etc. (as I said, I am very new to it). Funny thing, and don't know if connected (though probably, right?), but my FB page has now changed (I actually like how it is now..).

If you're on pinterest, I think I'd love to follow you :-) [though I'm pretty certain I'd like to be your FB friend too, lol]

Family Size - Blog Carnival

2012-02-09T08:48:00.001+02:00

Welcome to the first Family Size Blog Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the Family Size Blog Carnival hosted by Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling and Patti at Jazzy Mama. Today our participants share their decisions on family size and whether or not to grow their families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

(My first blog carnival :-))

I have always wanted a big family. I come from a big family myself and while many times we didn't get along it ~~was~~ is nice to have all these brother (yeah, one) and sisters. But that's not in the stars for me :-). I am an SMC (Single Mother by Choice) to this amazing 19 month old daughter. I have always always always wanted to be a mother but you know, it's not enough just wanting ;-), and for years I believed that it may never happen. And then my beloved dog died and it wasn't immediately, more three years, but I've come to the decision that yes I can and I will be a mother to a human child. Because yes, I very much believe that while I had my dog to take care of and all, I couldn't take steps to becoming a mother. And you know the amazing thing? Egg met sperm and first cells of daughter were created [it was IVF so I know the date..] on the exact same date of my dog's death!

But do I stop at one? What about the spacing between my kids (if I have more than one)? Stopping at one was never an option for me, though for a while I was trying to live with the fact that maybe I will only have one child. And maybe I will, because I am not young and I might not succeed having another child, but I am going to try!

Ideally, I would have two or three children with very little spacing. Might be hard the first few years, but then these kids are friends for life! But then there is breastfeeding and fertility treatments, not always a good combination.. I remember reading this blog of a woman who weaned her child at six months although they both very much enjoyed breastfeeding, because she wanted to try for #2. It took her two years and donor eggs [or embryos, can't remember, neither an option for me] to succeed. I do not want to wean my daughter and then not be able to have that second child. But time is a factor, less on the spacing dream, more on that fact that at 41 my eggs are not best quality.. So I am now starting slowly to proceed, maybe actually starting treatments around her second birthday, giving her two years of breastfeeding. I am also trying to learn about fertility treatments and breastfeeding and if I really have to stop breastfeeding (I believe not, but I think it is also a matter of finding a doctor who will go with this).

***

Visit City Kids Homeschooling and Jazzy Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Family Size Blog Carnival!

Please take some time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants below:

The Perfect Family The family at Living Peacefully With Children isn't perfect, but the size is just right for them...at least for now.

Family Size Carnival Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses how she loves the extremes of being happily child-free for life to being a mom of several. And on knowing when her family is just the right size.

Is Adoption for Me? Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why she would consider adoption as the socially responsible way to have a large family.

Getting Used to Having Kids Lauren at Hobo Mama went from "probably one, maybe two" to wanting a handful, but not without some major struggles and soul searching along the way.

Magic Number For a while, Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales has wondered what the magic number will be for their family, but now thinks she's finally settled on an answer.

How Did You Get That Size Jorje explains how she "chose" her family size and why they aren't planning to grow again on Momma Jorje.com.

Family Size On A Per Kid Basis Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how plans change as families grow.

More Babies: How, When, Why Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about when, how, and why she might get a sibling.

Family Size Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she has no idea what size her family will end up being; though she used to be sure, a few factors have recently come up to change everything.

Thy Will Be Done CatholicMommy hasn't decided how many children she'll have. And she never will. Because, you know, she's Catholic.

Sanity and Health Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about sanity and health considerations when deciding on her family's size.

Love Comes In All Sizes Melissa at White Noise and Mothers of Change shares her family's journey to becoming a family of six!

Family Size Liz at Homeschooling in Buffalo discusses how this carnival occurs less than two weeks after "closing up shop" by way of vasectomy.

Family Size Blog Carnival Billy, a single mother by choice, writes about the size of her family at My Pathway to Motherhood.

Creating Your Perfect Family Size Dr. Alan Singer shares insights from his new book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size.

Our Family Size You might not be surprised to learn that Patti at Jazzy Mama can't find any reasons NOT to have more babies.

Economics of Family Size Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling uses an economic cost-benefit analysis to determine her family's optimal size.

Going to sleep

2012-02-04T22:49:00.002+02:00

or - Who took away my little girl?

They say you get used to baby doing one thing and then they go on to another stunt. Well putting Butterfly to sleep has never been an easy job. But then (I think at about one?) it staredt to be nice - I see she's tired, take her to bed, she nursed, sometimes took quite some time, almost always need to get out of "bed" (we sleep on a mattress) for this or that and come back to nurse and sleep (she'd usually just get out and straight away back in). Those were the days when the door was left almost closed, but not completely.

Then she did try and go out of the room, so the door was shut, and that was that. And we were okay. Well I don't think it's because she has learnt to open the door (standing on tip toes, she manages to press the door knob :-)) though it really doesn't help. More she has a very anti going to sleep (as I said, she's never liked going to sleep, but now it seems worse than ever) at the moment.

And she nurses some (in bed) then gets up and out - usually first stop is the potty where she produces a nice number two (don't ask me why she couldn't have done it before going to bed, I'm clueless just as much as you..), and I'm okay, so you were somewhat fussy because you needed to go, thinking that now it will be easy. Not. And at some point I really lose my patience. Because come-on girl, you are tired, sleep is good, have some nice breast, close you eyes and onto lala land. It takes me about two hours to get her to sleep these days, at the end I am quite exhausted! [and my apologies for being a bad blogger lately, by the time I do get her to sleep I am usually just way too tired to read and comment]. And I don't really know what to do. When I tried forcing her onto the breast, well bad idea. I don't want to force her to sleep and I certainly don't want my breast turned into something bad. The problem is that's the only way I know how to get her to sleep.. I won't lock the door even if I could (don't have the key). We (yes, probably me) were never good on routines. I guess that I just have to breath very deep, get lots and lots of patience (it is easier when I know and expect the difficulties..) and hope that whatever this is that it goes away soon!!

P.S - I hope you will forgive me for not editing..

12 Months, 12 Challenges - February AND night time potty trained?

2012-01-28T00:56:00.007+02:00

So for January I had two challenges - one for me (not eating chocolate) which went pretty well! (I was mostly very good about my challenge) and one for Butterfly, which.... well... started of good but then went very bad. I think it was the first day that I tried forcing brushing her teeth and then I decided I really rather not do it that way. Because I don't want it to be something she hates and something we have wars over, and anyway I doubt that I was doing a good job when forcing. The first few days went pretty well, but then it went bad. Right now not much is done. Not sure if I mentioned, but at least she doesn't really eat sweet, so at least that. I will put this challenge on hold, and return to it in a month or two (which doesn't mean we won't be trying again unchallenged :-) ).

Night time potty training. Night time my girl needs to pee sometimes (rather, rarely) at about nineish, and then around midnight-one am and that's it for the night until we wake up (and even then, she would nurse in bed for 1/2 an hour to an hour, dry of course). Of course there are days when things happen differently (I am sure tonight will be one of those nights), but generally that's how it is lately. And if you followed me long enough, you know she sleeps without a nappy (EC) and peeing means me holding her over a bowel. She, on her part, wakes up to pee, or half wakes up - I do not take a sleeping baby, but a baby that has cued me that she needs to go.

Anyway, why am I telling you all this? Well there was a discussion on my SMC board about night time toilet training, started of by a mother seeking advice. As we (me and Butterfly, that is) are not the norm, I do not participate in such discussions. But then they were talking about toilet training and maturity and how you have to be mature blah blah in order to be toilet trained at night, as opposed to day time toilet training. I chimed in with how it's with us, and well besides a nasty remark [somehow if you do EC and/or don't vaccinate your child and/or homeschool etc etc people feel free to be mean and nasty] I was told that my girl is not night time potty trained. In my original comment, I did say that Butterfly is not fully potty trained at night, but that comment I got made me think.

What does it mean to be night time potty trained? Not peeing in ones sleep? Butterfly has never-ever peed in her sleep. She has been sleeping without a nappy from when she was 2 months old and she has never learnt to just let go of her pee. She always wakes up or even half wakes to pee, wiggling and moving uncomfortably. Not always I get it and put her over the potty (and yes, we had some pretty bad months), but it is always me who misses, not her! Not peeing at all during the night? Okay, then that means I am not night time toilet trained because I do go to the toilet at night. Nowadays with baby and all not so much, but I always used to go at least once to the bathroom at night. So if I, an adult, go to the toilet at night, is it reasonable to expect a child not to go at all during the night? [though I don't think going in the night to pee was a habit of mine during childhood. I wonder when I picked it up..] And she does go for seven or eight hours without needing to pee! Not needing the help of an adult to pee? Then yes, she is not night time toilet trained, because she will not go by herself. So while she probably is not yet really potty trained at night, she is really not far from it. I do believe that once she masters daytime potty training (and lately she seems to be doing so much better!) and knows to how to go by herself, pulling down trousers and all that she'll master that last point of night time potty training :-).

And now for February's challenge. I want to try both [but not at the same time] not eating dairy - though that will be too difficult for me! so maybe going off cow's milk (but yes goat/sheep milk). I also want to try and minimize eating wheat products. Neither of which I feel ready to face right now, so I will (hopefully) leave these challenges for another month.

I think my challenge for the month should be getting my house clean every day (night) on a regular base. I am such a messy person and the nanny very much helps me keep things tidy, but amazingly it gets so messy so quickly. So I would like to try and keep it nice and clean, not let it get into such a bad state.

Challenge number two would be to spend more time with Butterfly actually playing with her! I do a lot of taking care of her and her needs and we usually take a lengthy walk before nap time (going nowhere in particular, like yesterday was more or less just up and down the street with her little wagon, as much as I can, I like to let her dictate where we're going :-)) But I don't so much just sit and play with her. Yes, she plays very nicely on her own and I take advantage of that and do my stuff. But I want to be with her! I don't want to look back and feel sorry for all those times we didn't enjoy together. So I really want to try and do better..

and cows go moo

2012-01-11T21:39:00.002+02:00

Butterfly had her 18 month check up today (and a shot), and the nurse, well she annoyed me! [though not as much as when Butterfly went in last time. I think big difference is that she is much much much more bubbling now and she does have a word or two]. So nurse goes on about how it's important to expose Butterfly to children and children's songs for her to develop language, talking about the rhythm and the repetitiveness. And well I'm not saying no to that, though I don't think it's a must! But then [Butterfly now sitting at a table looking at a book with animals] she [nurse] goes on to how I should show Butterfly pictures of animals in these hard baby proof books and how I should make the animal sounds so she'll learn. When I was reluctant, she said I could take her to a nearby farm for her to see hens and cows herself. Well yes, that would be much better. But still not very real. And I ask - why? why is it important that little kids know that that animal is called a cow and that she goes moo? I am sure she will not go through life not knowing what a cow is, so why is it important to push this word onto them? I mean if we were living in a farm or overwise seeing cows daily, then yes, that would be one word I think my girl should know.

Same with body parts. Why is it important to teach them head and eyes and ears? Why can't we leave them to learn these words by themselves? I mean we do not teach them eyebrows or cheeks or kidney or heel, and yet they do acquire these words later on in life. Because at this early age I very much believe in real, authentic "teaching". Everytime Butterfly wants to hold my cellphone, I tell her to put it (the lace onto which it's tied..) around her neck. She might not exactly know what a neck is, but she has an idea. This is real. I do not point at my/her/a doll's neck and say repeatedly neck [which my mum sometimes does with words like nose, and drives me crazy].

And you know, we go for a walk every (or almost every) morning. And while I don't so much, but showing her the different plants, maybe naming them (which means I need to know the names..), that would be much more real. These plants we pass by are part of her life, she sees them, sometimes picks their leaves or tries to pull a branch etc. A cow is not part of her life, not her world. Teaching her that a cow goes moo, in my eyes is nothing more than taming her. Showing her this plant or that plant on our path, I believe is expanding her world.

P.S

98th percentile for height! (95 head and I think it was 87 for weight). I know she is tall for her age, but oh my, she is almost off the chart!! [and don't ask me how that's possible as I am not tall and I don't think donor was too tall..]

And now to the Proud Mummy section..

I haven't much talk about how our toilet training/EC is going, mainly because there is nothing interesting happening :-). Around her birthday I was very eager to start toilet training (after we've been doing Elimination Communication almost since birth but haven't been too successful with it). Well we started of [off?] nicely but then, well it just went back to nothing. But I did (DO) still dress her without a nappy (unless we go to a doctors appointment etc. and of course she wears a nappy with the nanny) because when while I haven't succeeded in toilet training her, I do believe in not peeing/pooing on oneself! And I will add that she is - a. most certainly aware of her pee/poo and where you should do it; b. she CAN hold herself. Anyway, with the poo lately it's going well. If I see she is about to go [or if there is a smell of poo - one of the signs she is about to go, is the smell, yes before she does..], I will sit her on the potty (and bring madam her bottle of water..) and she'll be okay.

Then about a week ago, I wasn't feeling good so I lay down in bed and let her play. Will add that she was bottomless. Anyway at one point she comes into the room with the potty in her hand, and yes she has done a number two! Mummy was so proud!!

And today.. I wasn't in the room with her, and then I see her trying to take off her trousers. Now she does that a lot, trying to put on and off clothes, but somehow I could see that this was for real, so I took them off for her [I usually try not to help her, I hope to write about that in another post] and put her on the potty. And oh yes did she deliver! I was so so proud of her!

Of course writing this is going to jinx it, but I think I can say that as for #2 my girl is toilet trained. Now lets master peeing in potty!

12 Months, 12 Challanges - January

2011-12-31T21:03:00.002+02:00

From Keiko's last post, I've learnt about this monthly challenge. Instead of making some big resolutions on the first day of the year that usually never stick, the idea here is to give yourself some kind of small challenge every month. Each month one challenge. And I really like the idea, so I think I'm going with it!
As there is also a Facebook page, I am not entirely sure how you're supposed to do it. Though I do think I'd rather post here than on my facebook page.. I'm also not so sure if I'm supposed to declare all my monthly challenges or to go month by month. (Mainly as I've just read about it) I prefer to go month by month.

So.. tomorrow is January [Happy New Year!!], a new month and a new challenge, well two. I know I'm supposed to choose only one, but I need to do these two! [and I actually was planning, just not as a challenge..]
The first is about me and a dear friend of mine, Chokie. Yes, that would be chocolate. I've been seeing Chokie way too much lately. Way way too much. Not good for either of us.. And I know I should have a bigger goal of loosing weight because I really have put on a lot of weight, but I know that kind of challenge will be too much for me. So I challenge myself to not have one bit of chocolate in the month of January!
The second will be about Butterfly and the brushing of her dear teeth, or the not brushing, or rather the yes! brushing.. You see, I'm doing a very bad job at it. I tried letting her see me brush my teeth. I tried letting her brush my teeth [have you had a toddler push a toothbrush in your mouth? I don't recommend..] so that then I'll brush hers [nope!]. I tried having a special brushing teeth song [so now she hates Christmas! (okay I probably need to explain - looking for a good brushing teeth song on YouTube, I found nothing that appealed to me, so I took the first happy cheerful song that came up to me and made up my own words. The song was Jingle Bells...)]. Tried having her brush in front of a mirror (will admit that only tried it once). Still to try actually having toothpaste on her brush (I thought it's not good at her age, but apparently there are toothpastes for the very young!) and I think there was another suggestion but can't think of any now [if you do have another tip, I'd love to hear!]. We usually end either with not brushing the teeth or with me brutally holding down her arms with one hand, body held in between my knees, while trying with the other hand to brush her teeth. And this is so not how I want to parent. I do not want to be a big bully on my little girl. I know this is important, that's why I do do it (sometimes). Sometimes. So my second challenge for the month is to have her teeth brushed twice EVERY DAY. I just hope it becomes such a habit that she'll protest no more..

P.S
OMG do you know how many times I wrote the word challenge? Seems it's with an "e" after the "ll" (and not "a") and now I have to correct each and every one of them! (okay, only by clicking on each one and selecting the correct way but couldn't there be a -'correct all' option, like in Word!?)

No Trust

2011-12-22T22:24:00.006+02:00

No!

Well my little Butterfly has her first word! [and this is old news as in I think about two weeks ago, but I was keyboardless..] "Do you want....." "no!.. no!" . Might I add how cute she is when she says it :-). I think it's kind of funny (and shows how late she is) that "no" is her first word.. oh well..

And the day after we were also blessed with a second word (but none since) - Yeye. That will be Wendy, my sister (& neighbour)'s dog. Every morning we go for a little walk, and Wendy joins us so it does make sense that that would be one of her first words (though doesn't "mummy, I love you" sound like a better candidate for that second word!? lol)

Besides that, the ball has started rolling in the speech therapist direction. First I have an appointment (just me) with a social worker. Then there's a speech therapist and a doctor (should be together but the doctor can't see me before April! [and I was told I was lucky as usually it's as long as Sep. If the speech therapist will see a need, they will somehow find me an earlier date or something like that]).

And there's the "no" that I tell her. I've encountered the term "free range parenting" and while I'm not exactly sure what they mean by it, I love the term and think of myself as a free range parent. Quoting from steady mom: "Respect your child as a person, providing firm boundaries but plenty of freedom to become who they are meant to be." I think (hope!) I do just that. She hardly hears a no from me - I'm either very permissive or prefer diversion. I just think there are so many things she can't do, so many small frustrations in her little world, that I don't need to add. But there are boundaries. Like the road. She is free to walk on the pavement (as in she doesn't have to hold my hand). But she MUST NOT go down to the road. And she know it! And most usually she is great (rarely, but she does sometime try me out. I do kind of expect her to test her boundaries..). And I believe she is good on the road [when we need to cross the road, quite often she will be the one asking to be picked up..] because she doesn't hear so much no from me. No, don't go there; No, don't pick that up; No, don't put that in your mouth; No, don't climb that; No, that's dangerous [I think probably one of the last "no"s I would tell her..]; No, don't go too near the edge of the pavement; No, don't smoke [okay that she most certainly would hear from me if...]. She doesn't hear so much nos so she doesn't need to defy me (anyway, that's how I see it).

Trust!

My mother doesn't trust me. Probably never has. And you know, that first sentence is a bit wrong as it is not me she doesn't trust, but anyone, she just doesn't trust other people, but that doesn't make it much better. So one of the things that is important for me, is to build trust between me and my daughter. And while I still have to work on my trust, I do believe I trust her very much. Take the above example of walking in the street. I do sometimes get these terrible mother looks from other people but I do know my daughter and trust her (and yes, I am also very much alert and looking/watching..). [and then I walk with my mother and daughter, and mother tries to force daughter to hold her hand, because it is dangerous. She does not trust me (yet again) that I am looking out for my daughter].

And this trust, it is a two way. What's the point of me trusting her if she doesn't trust me..? So I do my best to keep my word. And she trusts me. I see that many times when, for example, I would tell her to wait and then I will xyz, and she waits very patiently!

[and I believe I had more to write on the trust issue, but I can't remember now..]

~ Happy Hannukah! ~

~Merry Christmas! ~

Decisions..

2011-11-26T22:46:00.006+02:00

I've always been more of a dog person that a cats lady. I have five cats (I do hope one day to do a post introducing them!) which unfortunately I can't really let in the house (I did let them sleep inside in the [very few; too few!] rainy nights we had. But then it wasn't easy with Butterfly who didn't sleep too good..), and since Butterfly was born I'm hardly with them (although it is getting better now, mainly as Butterfly loves to pat them. Oh and eat thier food (but that's not new, lol). So I have these cats, and cats are nice, but DOGS are the real thing! Dogs you can take for a walk, you can throw ball, you can play rough & tumble.
I had a dog, Sky, who died some years ago. In fact (and I know I mentioned this here before), but she died on the same date that B was conceived! It didn't seem right at the time to try and "replace" her with another dog, but I always dreamt of having another dog again one day.
Well, that day is soon to come. I don't think it's a good idea now to get a new dog, being winter and all, but after the winter I am planning on adopting a dog! Hopefully a (plus minus) one yr old female who is good with children and cats (should also be a big dog as I love the big ones..).
I am already waiting the walks, and I believe a dog would be great for Butterfly as she is so energetic and so lively and I am not so. So she would be able to play rough and tumble with the dog! So around Pesach (whenever it falls, I think it's best to have free time for the first few days) I plan to see what the local shelter has.
Decision #1

Child number two. Went back and forth if I can/should, and yes, I am going to try. I remember reading a blog about this mother who weaned her six month because she wanted to try for a second, but then it took her two years! (and donor embryos, not that that matters to the story) to conceive. And it was tough weaning her kid. I want/ed to give my child a "full term" of breastfeeding before I aim at stopping it. Ideally I will still be breastfeeding while pregnant with #2 and them do tandem breastfeeding. Chances that won't happen. So I am aiming towards the two year mark. Yes, I know my age (41, thank you for reminding me :-)), but still I would rather wait a bit more.
I think in about a month I'll be ready to make the call to the/a bank. Probably no more vials of daughter's donor, so will have to pick a new "guy". Not sure when I'll actually start, but kind of debating if IVF or to try and start with IUIs and only if it doesn't work go on to IVF. Right now I'm thinking to start with three unmedicated IUIs (you know, so I can breastfeed alongside) and see how to go from there.
Decision #2

Homeschooling. I do hope to do a post about it one day soon. Something I always wanted to do, but with being a single parent thought that this would be a dream I might have to give up on. Well no! I am now reading some homeschooling blogs and very much believe I can do it!
Decision #3

For decision number 3 to become, I probably need to increase my income with things I can do from my house. I do need to go to the local university and publish there that I translate (I am planning that for too long). But that might give me here a job there a job, nothing to much to count on.
I am thinking (and this is not a "closed" decision, more in the thought process) of carrying on my studies - either in translation or in information management, both possibilities for working from home. The main problem is money, paying for tuition and extra hours of nanny(maybe my dad will help?) plus I hope lessons are in the mornings so I could still work as usuall or at least to be able to do it one afternoon a week, even if it means taking longer to complete my studies.
BTW - if you have any other ideas for extra income from home, I'd love to hear!
Decision #4

nanny stuff

2011-11-21T20:27:00.003+02:00

If you know me in real life, then you know I do not lie. [o.k that is a lie.. but beyond a white lie here or there] I just couldn't lie even if I wanted to as my face would shout out loud - LIER.. So how come I get nannies who lie?!?
Previous nanny, was a very big lier, sometime lying even when what's wrong with the truth.. but she is completely history. It's the current nanny. Not sure if I blogged about it, but there was an incident I caught her lying in the beginning of the year. Didn't bother me too much as it was a minor incident and I am not out to look for lies (and I am a naive person who basically believes what the person in front of me is saying to be the truth). Today we had this conversation [I know they* don't do much with Butterfly. After conversation with development nurse yesterday in regards to B's speaking I wanted to ask them to sit more with her]
nanny: What about computers?
me: no computers or televisions for Butterfly.
nanny: oh, she doesn't love t.v. [immediately followed by how Butterfly doesn't watch tv blah blah. Do you believe that?? Yeah, neither do I!]
But you know, that's minor. While I am completely not pleased to learn that they probably do sit her in front of the telly, I can swallow it. It's THE. BIG. LIE I'm upset about.

{first a bit of technical background about where I live - if you come to me by car, say from the nanny, you would go on this main(ish, it is a small town..) road then turn left and after two houses turn left again. My house would be the one after the corner house. So going by car would be right once I leave the house (always right as left leads to a dead end). But if you do not go by car, you can [and more logical if that's your general direction] just turn left}
So a couple of weeks ago I happen to see nanny turn right as she left the house with girl in pram. It kind of surprised me as it is not the logical way to go, but I thought she's probably taking the girl for a long walk and good for her!
Then the other day was a very rainy day and my mother offered to take them to nanny's house. They refused to and somehow mentioned how Billy forbids them to take Butterfly by car. I forbid them to use the car with B! Wow, that definitely hit a red light when mother told me. Because you know, the first, last and only time I have ever mentioned taking (or rather not taking) Butterfly by car was in the beginning of June in the job interview. If I have never talked about it, it is kind of strange that them mentioning me forbidding it. My mother didn't buy it.
Anyway, the other night, coming back home from work, I see them come round the corner from the direction of turning right and right from my house, yes, not the way one would walk to my house. And this was a cold rainy day.. [unfortunately it didn't hit me till later]. We stopped just after the corner just before my house, and her son showed me this video where Butterfly does (NOT) talk. When finished, one would expect them to carry on walking in my direction. No, they went back [again, only later it hit me].
And today as there were leaving and thought I didn't hear, the mother asked the daughter to hand her the keys (turning right as they left the house..). You could say they come by car, walk girl in pram, and then take the car home at the end of the day. But if so - why hide the car??? Why not park right outside the house??
So if it wasn't clear, I very much suspect they take my girl in their car (and tonight kind of confirmed it). Under no circumstances do or would I allow that. I let my baby from the beginning when she could and did, put things in her mouth [others might say that's dangerous. I do/did not fear swallowing, choking], I let her try and climb things others might consider dangerous, I do not necessarily hold her hand when walking in the street (though I do pick her up when crossing a road) as I trust her, she knows she's not allowed to the road (but yes, I am always there looking, watching, I do know she is still a baby..). I do all these things that might be seen as dangerous. Road safety is where I say no. My baby must always be seated in a safety car seat, no compromise there [my sister, she's the opposite - telling her daughter how she can't climb this or that, but then starting to drive (home after picking son up from kindergarten, really a two minute drive) without him clicking in..].
Not sure how I go from here (finding a new nanny is not an option).

* nannies are mother and her 19 yr old daughter. the mother is the main guardian of my daughter and the one who lies..

EDT: a little of snooping, and I discovered today she has a safety car seat in her car. At least that. I am still very much not pleased she does it behind my back. [you know, maybe in cold and wet days, knowing she does have a car seat, I'd approve...]

a picture post

2011-11-18T14:31:00.009+02:00

Rain rain DON'T go away
And do come again another day!!

I love it with the first rains, when it is still not too cold and the air is soooooo fresh. Yesterday I took the camera with me while going with Butterfly for a little walk aroud the neighbourhood.

Couldn't resist the camera as she is so cute in jeans and with the backpack she looks such a big girl! (she so loves bags, putting things in and carrying them, so why not a backpack..)

Just for the record - the previous day she wore boots and refused to go in any puddle. This time? Aren't puddles? fun???

[o.k will add that the boots aren't the most comfortable]

A girl and her bottle and ~~her~~ her mummy's keys!

Ahh it was a long hard walk. Let me freshen up with some water!

mums the word

2011-11-15T21:21:00.002+02:00

[did you know that this expression comes from Shakespeare (or even earlier), mum an old word meaning silent?]

Well silent she still is :-(. Tomorrow she turns one year and five months. They say a baby should have their first word by a year and a half, so she has just one more month to produce those words, or else.... I am trying to remain calm amongst all those - oh, isn't she talking yet? She should be talking by now! Maybe you aren't talking to her enough? Why isn't she talking? Telling people that she is a bilingual and as such talking may be delayed. Moreso that her mother (i.e me..) also talked late [don't know when I said my first word, but my baby book says that at 18 months I said just three words...]. But you know, as much as I am trying to stay calm and when she'll be ready she'll speak (oh yeah, another one I'm told - how she won't stop babbling. yeah, can't wait for that), but inside I am very much worrying. What if there is something very wrong with her? She is very clever and understands so much it never seizes to amaze me and I don't think she's autistic or the likes (she makes beautiful eye contact), but maybe something else? Because I do have a feeling that not only are we not advancing on the speech level, but that she has gone back. She used to babble much more, and what's more I don't think I've heard her make two syllable sounds in ever so long.
But maybe she is trying to talk, to name things, and I just don't recognize? Lately she stands in the middle of the room and shouts very loudly "ma", and I have absolutely no idea what she wants (I ask - do you want this or that, and nope she doesn't want anything). The nanny says that her son taught my girl to say nigmar (=finished) when she has finished eating and that she says something like it (obviously not pronouncing the difficult "g"). I don't really know what and how she says because I haven't seen/heard it (they promised me a video!), so I don't know how true it is. But maybe I am the dumb one who doesn't understand her baby's talk!?
Anyway Sunday we have the 18 month check up at the child development centre (early due to a shot I won't be giving her..... well I am supposed to give her the third portion of the DT shot but she was a bit ill this week and she did have a bit of a bad reaction last time so anyway I'd like to delay it a bit, moreso with her being sick. but I don't want to delay this appointment because of, well above post..) so I'll see what she says there ["what she says", obviously the nurse, but can I think there might be a pan there? lol]
P.S
Can you see I am babbling nonsense as in last night we had a very BAD night and then wouldn't take her nap today and tonight.. I had to make three cups of tea, twice pouring it because it got cold because just when I was about to start drinking, madam woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep for some time??
o.k end.

On the other hand...

2011-10-28T22:56:00.002+02:00

[first thank you so much for what you said :-)]

I have such an amazing daughter!! Really. I mean it would have been just enough that she was my daughter. On that account she doesn't have to be any more, but not only am I so lucky that this little girl is my daughter, but beyond being my daughter she is totally amazing!

And there's cuteness like in the shower, how she puts her hand to her liquid soap and "presses" it (I'm sure it won't be long before she figures that one out.. lol) and then does the motion of cleaning herself. Or bringing me my glasses so I can find her her bottle. Or carrying the heavy mineral water bottle so I can fill her bottle. Or the kisses she now gives, well not so much as a kiss, but you ask her for a kiss, and she brings her open mouth to you :-). [but only one at a time! ask for another and you won't get]. Or how she now waves hello and goodbye. Or bringing me toilet paper while I'm at the toilet. Well I should add that she seemed to be aiming it between my legs... And then one day when I was wiping myself after a trip to the loo, she had such a look on her face as if to say - that's how it is done. notes taken.. Or climbing into the chair where she eats (a booster on a regular chair). Or... could fill a page or two, should probably stop here..

And I look at her and can't believe she is mine. She is my little daughter! Don't know if it's because she so does not look like me or if because while I always wanted to be a mother, there was a dark time of too many years when I thought that would never happen. But she is here, and while I hardly have time for myslef, I do have my little Butterfly!

And I am thinking very much of number two (heck I even have a name, boy and girl!). And I've heard how the heart expands and all when you have that second (third, fourth, tenth....) child. But right now my little heart feels like it is almost going to explode from the love I have to her, and how can there be room to love another..

The Worst Mother

2011-10-23T22:14:00.002+02:00

Yes, that would be me. People always ask me how are the nights and if she sleeps through the night etc. Well no and mostly I'm okay with that part of the night (and drives me crazy how people say/think poor me and how she should sleep a whole night blah blah. We bed share, I don't need to wake early for work, nights work for me/s). What people don't so much ask, and what does not work for me is the going to sleep. It could take two or more hours. Very frustrating. [even now while I'm typing she is very much awake and playing]. We actally did manage to establish a routine in the last week or so of bath/shower and then B.E.D. [oh please, we did try that in the past. didn't work..]. Today there was no shower (needed to turn boiler on for the first time, forgot one switch..... water was too cold..). And so no sleep. URG. [she is now going through all my old letters/cards, handing some to me, tearing others. shall I add another urg...]. Anyway [and sorry for this one big paragraph. not in the mood to do paragraphs] I am patient and patient and patient. But at some point I loose it. Well I used to be bad at that, I think I improved a lot, but still I get very impatient. So it is ten o'clock. She is finally in bed with some nice quiet music in the backgrond [a take two from about ten minutes earlier when she bit me throgh the shirt instead of waiting for me to prepare myself]. I'll cut it short to me not letting her off the bed (forgot she may need to pee) and her peeing on the bed and very angry me taking her to the potty, and might I add, I was not gentle taking her, rather I felt I was quite violent and violently putting her down. [23:00. someone is sleeping. hurray]. But that's not the worst part :-(. The potty happened to be near the corner of the cupboard. Putting her down she almost got a bang from it and there was this thought that passed my head how she would have deserved such a bang. Yes, please hang me in the town centre for being such an awful mum. While I didn't physically hurt her my manner was very violent. Did I mention in an earlier post becoming my father?? Don't remember if I did but these episodes so make me feel like I am.
Anyway having a cuppa tea, and on to my form and blog reading. Goodnight.

One and a third

2011-10-16T23:27:00.003+02:00

[H in title probably last one in post as one needs to press key very ard. And let me tell you tat in ebrew it is very bad as te ebrew letter is someting like an e, very popular.. and I'm tired of stopping my flow of writing tinking for tat letter. Okay, migt be a bit of a callange to read me today :-))]

So, my little girl is one and a tird, wic obviously means a little summery ;-).
Rigt now my little princess is sleeping wit only one sleeve on. ad to cange er wile se's sleeping - we did a ead and one arm, waiting wit te oter arm.. [omg, I sould probably put an X were tere was a certain letter!] Some nigXts are easier, some more difficult, but mostly it's still quiet a cXallange getting Xer to sleep.
Xer water bottle is Xer dummy, and until a week or two ago, sXe would go to sleep Xaving some water and tXen a bit of (my) milk and so on. And nigXts wXen sXe doesn't go straigXt to sleep, i.e most nigXts, tXat [can I skip te X?] means a lot of water. And a lot of pee. And a very frustrated moter. And a wasload for just one nigt.
And ten I stopped giving water at nigt. And o my, wat a difference! We evan ad a nigt + morning nap wit te bed being dry! Yes rare event.

Wic leads to te toilet training. It is going painfully slow. Backwards, more like. Neverte less, I no longer put a nappy on er and don't intend to. I really ated er being wit a nappy and I would rater deal wit all te misses and wit ~~nasty~~ angry family members [tere is a post I've been wanting to write for some time. not about said person but wit relevance] tan a nappy. I just wis we would be moving forward :-(.

On to a appier subject - finally (after 4 monts of walking!) I got Butterfly a pair of soes. Was very funny seeing er try to walk in tem in te sop, se was like an elepant on te moon :-). But se got te ang of it quite quickly and se loves wearing tem!

I'm a bit sad because does tis mean an end to my little girl wo will walk on anyting bare footed? I ate wearing soes and I kind of liked ow se is not affraid to walk on stones and te likes [side note - se does so because se wants. se does not ave to go to were te cats are fed and play wit teir food or go on er own free will to my sister's ouse....]

And I don't know if it's te new soes, but se now does. not. like. te. pram. I walked wit er to a distant playground, pusing te pram as a potty older and if/wen girl gets tired. Well returning ome se got tired but would not go in te pram just wanted to be eld. I don't mind olding er and I do tat a lot, but not wen tere's a pram. So we ad a little scene.... And I ad my very bad mummy moment trying to force er in. We ended up wit er sitting on te ood (Xood).

Se is a very stubborn or sould I say persistant little girl. If se as er eyes on someting se will try and try and try and again try. Like putting on sorts [sXorts..] and/or knickers. O.K, se loves playing wit my knickers, put tem on er ead, as a necklace etc. But wit ers se mostly tries to wear tem properly. And as I said, se really tries ard at it. Te oter day se actually managed to put on a pair of sorts, one leg in eac ole, only er big butt (our little screet, but my girl really Xas a big butt!) in te way.. Se does not understand te one leg in eac ole, so it really was a fluke, but se is trying.

Se's a good eater (in fact we just ad a growt spurt te oter day, or sould I say nigt). Toug funny ow se isn't so muc into bread. Mostly se will "lick" te spread [usually ceese]. I try sitting wit er at tat little table in above picture so as to eat meals togete. O and tat table.. I found it once wile coming back from a walk wit er. Was quite difficult as it is eavy and ow do you take it and te pram?? But I knew it would be gone so I someow managed. Ten at ome I painted it/ decorated wit stickers. Not te best job, but I am quite proud..

P.S

For obvious reasons, I'm not spell cecking. ope not too many mistakes...

P.P.S

Xope it wasn't too difficult to read. Sould I edit putting Xs in?

My Yom Kippur

2011-10-08T22:45:00.004+02:00

There will always be that Yom Kippur. The one in '73. Not only was it a big trauma for my country, but for me this is my first memory*. I remember visiting my mother in the hospital as she just gave birth to my little sister (#6), and how they covered all the windows in black. And the atmosphere, oh I can remember the tense and serious atmosphere all around.

And of course there is this Yom Kippur. Maybe not my daughter's first, but certainly the first with some meaning. So we walked on the road - oh yes, on the road! Yom Kippur is also called here bike holiday as nobody drives! For years I really hated YK except for the walking in the middle of the road, always loved being able to do that, and now my daughter can too :-). And she is such an independent little girl, going here and there, and she really goes off without caring if I'm around.
And I wasn't planning to, so we weren't really dressed nicely, but towards the end we went into the synagogue and let her absorb the atmosphere, the praying and all the people and most importantly - hearing the shofar!

But my Yom Kippur is and will always be the one three** years ago. The one in which I just got my second Beta results. I hardly went in for the first one as I just knew I was not pregnant, only going for the Beta so as not to have to go through Yom Kippur with even the slightest hope. But oh my, what a lovely number and quickly to find where I can have that second Beta taken on Yom Kippur eve! Finding out I was most certainly pregnant on Yom Kippur - that will always be meaningful for me!!

* Actually I know today that these are more than one memory that got mixed together, as my sister was born on the first and the war broke out on the 6th.

** (EDT) O.K this is probably why I am not a math teacher: it was the third YK since and including, meaning TWO years ago....

Shana Tova!

2011-09-27T21:57:00.002+03:00

Happy New Year to all who are going to celebrate tomorrow night :-)

some bullets..

I have so many blogs on my reader and however much I read, I don't seem to be able to close the gap. I mean there would be nights I'm so happy how I managed to decrease the number, but then the next night I won't be able to read, and the next.. omg! how did that number shoot up again.. And yes, my fault for adding new blogs to my reader! And yes, have and will be taken off my reader. Mainly those who, while I have commented and not just an occasional once, have never bothered to acknowledge me. Yes, I read them because they are interesting, but since it is too much... And yes, I might have to press the 'read all' button :-(. And yes, tonight I am writing this post instead of reading...

Funny thing I've discovered about my nanny today.. Well while it is not a requirement of mine, she (well actually they - it's a mother and her 19 yr daughter) also does some cleaning and tidying which is very nice of her. Now I try and put plastics aside for recycling, unfortunately they go too often into the bin, and the refundable bottles aside too. Those I mean to take in when I've "collected" a fair amount. Except they always seem to disappear. I assumed she throws them away and didn't want to mention it. Anyway today I met the daughter taking my girl for a walk in the pram (I came home a bit early, they were near the house), and later when I unload the pram, I discover a bag with some refundable bottles! Kind of not nice that she took them without asking!! Maybe she thought I wouldn't notice or that I don't bother getting the refund or else. She still should have asked if it's okay with me..

On a close topic to something that I want to blog about, this person who was giving me a hard time [on my SMC forum] between other things for toilet training my daughter at such an early age, is now reporting problems with toilet training her 2 yr daughter, mainly with refusing to do poo in the potty. Saying how the girl sees poo as part of her body etc. My daughter? While we are still toilet training (and while we do have a relapse with the poo) she does know it's poo and not part of her body etc. I so want to write something snarky, but I will be a better person than she is! (but I still need to let it out, so I'm using this platform :-))

Can't get it how parents will go crazy about things in baby's mouth but will not make too big a deal at things like walking off to the road (from the playground). I do allow Butterfly almost anything in her mouth (I actually believe it is good for her), but if she goes too near the road, I give a loud and clear NO! [well actually I use the Hebrew - Asur = mustn't..] This other mother.. was going oh what a monkey you are while chasing her little toddler. I think this gives the message of the road being a game.. oh well... [and yes, I was told earlier my girl might choke (let me add - from the teat of the bottle!!)]

asur.. Speaking of which, twice I heard fathers tell their kids "I don't agree" to whatever they were doing (today it was another kid attempting to go down to the road [yes, this playground is a bit too near the road, though one with not a lot of cars], don't remember what it was the other day). I don't know, I would say: "I don't allow". Just semantics :-)..

Girl went to sleep very easy tonight! (we are not having too good a night lately, and feeling those two lumps where the two bottom molars are supposed to pop out, I'm guessing we are in for it in the next few days) So I'm going to finish this post, and head off to sleep :-).

2011-08-24T13:12:00.003+03:00

A rant concerning google/blogger. Up until a couple of months ago all was nice. I had my google account and blogger and I when I opened my computer I was already logged in and no problem leaving comments with my blogger identity.
I know it was a Friday the 13th, I think June, when all went wrong. Blogger had this day or two when blogs disappeared and then reappeared twice etc. And there was also some mess with the commenting. At the time I got into the help forum to see what it's about. Well people were complaining and complaining and complaining and not a representative in sight! Anyway the advice I read was to remove the tick on the remember me box. And yes, that helped. Somewhat. I still, when commenting, need to go to preview, get a screen saying there's an error, go back and only then leave a comment (of course if I forget and don't do copy to the comment I wrote, I loose it and have to write it again [sometimes I am clever and just "write" a letter or two and go to the preview]. And you know, more than that, e-v-e-r-y t-i-m-e I want to get into one of the google appliances, I have to log myself in again. I mean I'm sitting at the computer, want to check my g-mail - log in, want to then read some blogs on my reader - log in, want to do a google search and have the picture I chose to be my page - log in, want to comment - log in. You get the picture, pretty annoying!
Yesterday I really had enough so I ticked the remember me box. When I tried to comment (again needing to do preview), I got this message

Seriously? I have no access to this page?? FruitFish that would be your microwave post! O.K so I'm back to commenting anonymously but more so really pissed off with google/blogger.

Oh and can I add a little rant about dear daughter? We were listening to this song, HER song on youtube (didn't even know about this song until not so long ago. Unfortunately it's in the masculine as it's commonly a boy's name)

And she was enjoying herself, tapping with the mouse. Hmm, a bit too hard it seems. The right click button doesn't work now..

CD1

2011-08-16T23:00:00.002+03:00

Happy and not so happy. I am just one week shy of being two years without my period! Two years of not having to worry for that monthly blood. Yeah, so that's the not so happy me.
On the other hand..I had thoughts that maybe I went from giving birth straight to menopause - is that how old I am?!? Scary! More so - no blood, no child number two! I so want to have another child! I want another child because I always wanted a large family. Two is probably the most I'll get but I'll take it.. After the birth I had and the bad start I had with the nursing, I'd also like another child to amend, to do things better next time. Again this is not the reason why I'd like another child, but it is there too. Up till not so long ago, as much as I desired that second child, I didn't think I'd be able to have him/her. Now I am becoming more and more confident that I can make it happen. As I would like to give my existing daughter the most in her first few years in life including breastfeeding her till the age of two, I think I'll wait with ttc. This time next year, when I've come back from the London Olympics, is when I'd like to start. I know the downside with my age is that I might miss the train, but I can't have everything, and even if I try now no one can guarantee I'll be successful. And all the stress and needing to ween her and all. No, I prefer to wait for now and if I won't be able to produce a sibling then we will just have to be a family of two!

Where.... How.....

2011-08-16T22:06:00.002+03:00

O.K so I won't be writing that breastfeeding post, but I thought I'd share where and/or how I breastfed my little girl in the last 14 months:

in the hospital

at home (like dah!)

on a not so comfortable chair

on better chairs

on the sofa

with a nursing pillow (never got the hang of that!)

while sitting up in bed

while lying in bed (so much better!)

on a rocking chair

on the garden swing

on the floor

on the ground

on the playing mat

by the computer

while daughter is peeing in the bowl at night (we had a time when she completely objected to peeing in the bowl even though she had to go. Breastfeeding her while holding her over the bowl was a life-saver. And yes, it's probably not something I should have done, but well..

while mummy is doing what she is doing on the loo (and let me just say, not just peeing....) [out latest addition to the list as I said I won't let her nurse while I'm on the potty, but oh well...]

in the bath (together with her in the bath)

in the washing basin (she in, me sitting outside and serving her.. [what can I do, had to bribe her to take a bath lol])

in the shower - first while sitting on the floor then standing up with me bending over..)

in the facility of the swimming pool

inside the swimming pool itself

at the beach [I think I'd like to add in the sea itself next time I go, lol]

at the playground

in a library

other people's houses

while walking (not fun, but sometimes a necessity)

[I wonder what I've forgotten...]

Breastfeeding Awareness Week

2011-08-05T00:38:00.003+03:00

[image from Peacful Parenting]

Wanted to write this post on Monday, on the start of the breastfeeding awareness week, but didn't get round to it. And I'm hot and tired these days (not easy being 24/7 with a little baby. As much as I love her and cherish how lucky I am to have her, it is still not easy being the sole one responsible for her nurishment, entertainment, education, etc etc etc.. and did I say hot? and humid? oh, so very humid!). Wanted to bubble a bit about how breastfeeding is for us, but well.. see above. So I'll just say that above icon - that is soooo how my little girl nurses! She just cannot be still, all the time twisting and turning and wanting to get off the sofa (while still nursing, yeah?) or doing this or that. She really is probably practicing for the breastfeeding olympics! The picture below was taken on the day of her birthday. I love that picture! (it is currently the one on the background on my computer)

Toilet Training

2011-08-01T22:04:00.005+03:00

(yes, she is sitting the wrong way.. very cute how she learnt to climb onto the potty, sometimes she does it the right way and sometimes the wrong. As long as she's comfy....)

I really hate having her in nappies. Not so all the bother around nappies (and.. when I do have to, not so easy putting one on her!) but just the fact that she has a nappy, that if/when she does a number two she is doing it on herself. But I wanted her to be able to stand (without holding) first. So I waited. On her first birthday, to celebrate, I bought a (well actually two) potty. Yes, time to begin!

She already had awareness as to her body wastes as we have been practicing EC from when she was 2 months old. We are far from perfect with the EC, but at least she is well aware of peeing/pooing. There are places/situations where she will not pee if she can (she can't hold too long..), like in the car or the sling or in the water etc.
Besides that, she picked up very quickly what's the potty for. So you'd think in no time I'd have a toilet trained girl.. think again! Somehow the connection - I need to pee..... potty is for peeing..... I'll go in the potty...... has not yet been made. She did once or twice go (oh, and the other morning.. waking up and getting out, while I'm still in bed, going and peeing in the potty... it was just too cute, lol) but really what happens mostly is that I either see she is about to go (mainly with the poos) or peeing, which when I quickly take her to the potty saying again and again how the potty is for peepy weepy / caky waky [yeah..] and when/if she finishes of in the potty, of course I celebrate. And yes, I do ask/tell her many times if she needs to go. So far I haven't shown too much discomfort for her misses, but maybe I should - showing her not only how I'm happy when she does it right, but how I am very not pleased when she doesn't.

I would have thought that a month of that would let the dime fall. I am determined to have her toilet trained by the winter, but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the same place..
If I don't get it done by September, I hope (and believe) the nanny will help.. (but I really would rather not).

And while on the subject, a funny comment from her almost 2.5 cousin (boy) - while being changed for a poo nappy (and I was saying to Butterfly - look J-J is having his nappy changed, she doesn't too often see other kids with nappies..), and might I add that he is in a 'mine' stage. Well he says to her in a this is mine tone that nappies are only for boys! (seems all the girls in kindergarten (+his older sister) are already toilet trained [and Butterfly walks around the house with only a shirt])

BFP!

2011-07-26T20:24:00.002+03:00

Yes, that would be a Big Fat Positive.. No, not my bfp (hmmm.. I think you'd know if/when I'll be trying again :-) ), my sister's! Yes, my younger sister is now pregnant. And more than how (donor sperm, another SMC in the making..), do you want to know how many attempts it took her? One! How lucky is that!! To get knocked on your first time! Hell, she did not even know what a Beta is... And yes, let be go back to the SMC thing I just mentioned.. My sister, after seeing me and my daughter, has decided also to try and become a mother by herself. Unlike me she has very much dated guys, but well.. Anyway it's kind of weird.. [at some point I was asked if I wouldn't mind if she'd use the same donor I used. hmmm ignoring the fact that he doesn't donate anymore so it is a total hypothetical question, I think I'd rather not..]. And I am very happy for her. Very happy.

And now can I the rants? Little rant and big rant.. Little rant - She will go into motherhood younger than me! [I was almost three weeks over forty. She should deliver about two months before her 40th..]. In fact, out of all the sisters, I who always wanted to be a mother much more than any one of them, I turned out to be the oldest mother. And you know, her first attempt...
And oh big rant.. what she said. She says that succeeding on that first attempt might be little luck, but it's mainly her working on herself,"cleaning" herself up. May I say a big hmmmm?! Because while it is not what she is saying, it is very much implied that I and many of us who needed/s a bit more than one attempt, in fact take ten tries, over a year or two, IVF, etc.. are in the wrong set of mind. That we don't want it as badly as she and/or didn't do the work she did. Isn't that a just relax?? You were lucky sister, that's all, very very lucky. And yes, your state of mind might have helped somewhat, but to say that's why you got pregnant so easily?? And can I say that she was not determined like me to go this route, that she had many doubts and it took her some time to get going.. As I said, she didn't mean all this, but I most certainly understand it from between the lines and it very much pisses me of! And yet, I want to finish this post by saying again how happy I am for her!

1 year 1 month 1 week 1 day 1 hour

2011-07-24T11:27:00.001+03:00

A little girl in this world has just* discovered she can open cupboards. And oh the joys that await her!!

Oh yummy!

Silly mummy! Showing me this cupboard so I won't go to the nearby one with the bottles of oil etc (some glass). Because look what I found!

The loot!

Running away with the loot!

Some crackers for the way..

And another one..

Another cupboard! And oh, what do we have here!!!

Mummy! Look what I found!

* Well scheduling this post. Pictures really taken ten days ago..

Creative Drawing Workshop

2011-07-02T23:02:00.014+03:00

To celebrate sister#5's birthday, we sisters were all invited to a creative drawing workshop, guided by her (she dreams of doing such workshops, so we were a test workshop..). I will admit that when we sat around the table to begin, and it hit me, I got scared, because me? I do like art and artwork and all, but I can't draw!!

The title of the workshop was harmony. We were to look at the beauty around us (and such a pity she has to leave that gorgeous place next week! [the rent period is finished..]), the trees, the flowers the colours of nature, listen to the birds and the wind and all. To get us in the right mood, she started of with a short meditation, then it was off to work.. *

First thing, getting the canvas ready by painting it with this white paint. Then we had to choose four colours (plus white) to work with, and only work with them. Well, I think we all cheated there lol, as we ended up adding a little bit of this or that... What was quite amazing was sisters #3 and #6 choosing the exact same colours as can be seen in the photo below [sister #3, whose plate is on the left, added the middle colour later after a long hesitation....] (they did not sit next to each other and did not see what the other was picking) [p.s - that's my plate on the right :-)]

We started of by covering the canvas with colour. While my sisters got nice patches of colours, mine just blending into one brownish not so nice colour. Oh well, washed some of it off and started anew.

Next we were to look at what came out and see what we can see and work on that. Yay, something that I'm good at! I immediately saw this half blown down tree (unfortunately, being quick in finding, I've already started painting when sister #6 took the picture, so imagine below picture without the blue and red..) Asking sister #5 how to do the sun, as I thought I had to stick to what was and just do an outline here and there, she talked something about roundness and/or softness, don't exactly remember except that was not my sun! my sun was warm and radiant! My sun sent out her rays.. Well actually I started with the red with the thought of adding yellow, but I loved it, so added just a little bit of yellow... Funny but it felt like the sun was Butterfly (and at the end one of the sisters said too that it felt to her like the sun was Butterfly!).

And this is my picture ended looking like..
All in all, it was a lovely way to celebrate her birthday! Sister #5 is promising another workshop. Can't wait :-)).

* one of these of/fs is the right one, but which?!?

P.P.S
I am maybe not a big fun of alcoholic beverages, but.... first time in I think two and a half years (from early Sep when I conceived) that I had some wine...

First time at the sea..

2011-07-01T00:45:00.007+03:00

love this picture!

but lets start at the beginning, when Butterfly still had a swimming suit on! (and why yes, that's yoghurt all over my trousers..)

so they dug this hole, made me sit in it, and now filling it with water!?

bye bye sea! I think I do like you, even if at first I didn't know what to do with you. I think mummy giving me a seashell to put in my mouth [sis: "she has something in her mouth" me:"yes, I put it there....." helped me understand this strange new place..

walking - a video

2011-06-22T21:12:00.004+03:00

P.S
Funny how I thought she can't get into a standing position without help, thinking that maybe it's not something all babies do. Today, both on the video (didn't see it at the time..) and again later today, she did it so effortlessly..

walking -- take 2

2011-06-21T23:23:00.002+03:00

[was going to write this post earlier today but somehow didn't. went to bed, but felt I (damn that shift button that keeps getting stuck) needed to commemorate, so hopefully I won't be long..]

As I wrote on an earlier post, Butterfly woke up one day and started walking, and I was so glad! I mean she has been crawling for 6 (yes, 6!) months. People tell me how crawling is important and all, and I agree, but well I think she has done more than enough of crawling :-), time to move on. But, hmmm.. next few days she had a high temperature and kind of lost that walking thing.
Added to that the standing from nowhere in the middle of the room, or rather the not standing from nowhere. A friend (who has two kids, the younger being exactly two months older than Butterfly and also an early walker) told me that before they actually walk they do that, get to a standing position without any aid. And then Heather wrote how K practiced getting up from nowhere and from there continued to walking. And besides one and only time (before I announced her walking) I have not seen Butterfly do so. So I thought I thought I had an early walker and well maybe not so.
Anyway she was a few days with a fever and a few more days to recover. Coming back from that, walking did come back, but at a slow pace.
But today, Madam Butterfly woke up and decided it's walking for her! I would say she still feels more confident crawling (have I mentioned doing this for six long months..) but there's something now about walking. I really feel she woke up this morning in a walking mood, and hopefully will be walking solely very soon.
Oh, and if I'm already writing, let me tell you about her look on her face when she's trying to make the decision if to walk or crawl. Too cute that serious face of hers!

As much as I am happy my little baby is growing, I am a little sad. My little baby very soon won't be a baby anymore.. She is growing so fast!

one אחת en หนึ่ง ένα jeden واحد une एक един uno

2011-06-16T10:27:00.032+03:00

1 Year of........... breastfeeding
We had a very hard start to breastfeeding. If I ever do get lucky (luckier that is..) and have another baby, I do know now better. I know to (attempt to) give birth in a place that won't force a seperation right after birth between mother and baby (dare I dream of a home birth?) and to not take child to child development centre until I get the breastfeeding going (seriously, the nurse there was very much on top of me about how I'm starving my child. I do know now that breastfed babies have other charts....) and to seek support like the LLL group (when I did join at 4.5 months, it really was great, one of the main contributers for bringing me back to breastfeeding almost fully. If there will be a next time, I'd like to go to this group much earlier on). etc etc etc.
But with all the difficulties I was having (breastfeeding and pumping, and oh did both hurt, but mainly the pumping, and the pills I took that gave me a back ache and a terrible nausea and a gassy feeling but unable to reasle [and oh, do I know how babies feel!] until I vomited....), I never gave up. It was (still is) very important for me that my girl gets my milk. Unfortunatly for the first few months she was mainly nurished by formula. Some would say how lucky I am to live in such an age. I think otherwise, but well... Anyway she still got some of my milk every day.
And then the nursing got better (or more, I started to believe in myself!) and we slowly dropped the bottle (yeah, solids helped but not at first. at first it was more mummy milk so less bottle milk).
Today we are in a good place [yes, she is one year old and I am still breast feeding. Can I pause and say yay!] where we do eat our solids but we also nurse a lot [and I'll add that bottle is only for water!] . And I'm loving it! And she so obviously loves the breasts too. I do often wonder what is there to like about it, I mean it is hard work getting the milk out, lol, but if at one time I wondered whether I'd ever get to the half year point, let alone the year point, I now know the sky' the limit.. I'd like to breastfeed her until she doesn't want any more, be it two, three or older [can you imagine me in an old age home nursing my middle aged daughter? ha ha ha]
And oh, what a nurser do I have! She is so not a lie in your lap and peacfully suck from the breast. Oh no, not my litttle girl! She has to move the whole time like standing up (if I'm on the mat) or getting of the sofa (if I'm on the sofa..) or climb over me (when lying in bed) all while my nipple is still in her mouth! Yes, we probably could win a gold medal in some sort of catagury in a breastfeeding olympics! And we've nursed in the baths and showers (we now take showers together, both sitting on the floor) and while I was walking (that I didn't like) and when taking her to pee in the middle of the night...

12 Months of............. bedsharing
I know it is mostly called co-sleeping, but I prefer the term 'bed-sharing' as co-sleeping could be the same bed, and could be a parent bed and a co-sleeper cot by the parent bed. We share the same bed.
Coming home from the hospital, after a traumatic birth, mother said: you're staying here (at her place), and so while I wanted to share the bed, Butterfly was mostly in a cradle and I was either on the folding bed (too dangerous to share with a newborn..) or the sofa (probably also not the safest but I would sometimes sleep with her trusting my body and my instincts). So there wasn't much bed sharing in those early days.
Then we went up to my place, first only for the nights, having day time naps at mum's and then for all sleep.
I vaguly remember those early days. I know I was a bit scared about doing the bed sharing thing, but also trusted very much my instincts. And then she was rolling. First time she fell from the bed, I shamefully admit to laughing (she was probably too stunned to cry..). Second time? That's when I decided to take my bed apart and just have the matteres. So now we both sleep on the mattress, and oh, how I love it!! It is so lovely to be able to snuggle up to your daughter at night, even if I mostly turn to the side and sleep with my back to her, I love that all I have to do when she wakes is turn around (and pick up my shirt of course.. which reminds me of those early days when once or twice she woke to nurse and before I was awake, I would feel her mouth more or less on my nipple [though.. hmmm.. I was wearing a shirt, so she wasn't getting milk..]). I also love how when I'm at the computer while she's having her daily nap [at nights she cries] and she wakes up, love how she quietly gets up and crawls over, knowing I am in the other room.
But if we are on to our sleeping arangenments, surly me must add a word or two about sleeping! Well while she is sleeping so much better, it is not always easy. We now have one nap a day, but evan so, there's a little girl here who thinks the day isn't long enough, and evan with a noon nap, would fight going to sleep.

52 Weeks of............... eliminating communicating
Elimination Communicatin is (in short) when you raise your kid without nappies. You learn your baby's signals when s/he needs to go (and baby learns your signals - when and where she can go.
Anyway the main reason for wanting to do EC was the C, communication. Alas, was/is not so easy.. I started just before she turned 2 months (didn't earlier because I first wanted to get breastfeeding right, at two months I realized that if I wait for breastfeeding to be all fine, I might never be doing EC). Taking her nappy off those first two days to seek paterns was quite scary, but it was worth it because I did learn from it. Well I had the peeing going more or less (probably 'less' but still), but had a hard time identifying poos. Till this day she is vey quite when she has a number two, I sometimes realise it is too quite, and sure enough when I turn around she is in the process (sometimes very early as in nothing came out yet so we dash to the loo. Sorry if tmi). Well the peeing, or more knowing when she needs to pee, was o.k until winter came. Somehow with the need to wear long clothes (and mostly also a nappy) I've lost it. I still haven't really yet found it, and peeing is usually a miss (or a refusal, yes, she does that a lot, and how annoying to be right but still needing to clean a puddle..). Today, many times when she needs to pee, she would go to "her corner" and stand and pee (she is so smart!), or come to me while I'm on the computer and cry (which somehow I always miss, thinking she wants me to be with her..). So maybe we're off with the cues, but she knows she needs to pee and she knows it is to be done in a special place. I am going to buy a potty or two on her birthday and try and "toilet train" her this summer.
That is as far as days are concerned. As for the nights.. Well I can proudly announce that at one year of age she has never, yes NEVER peed in her sleep. Needless to say didn't poo either. That doesn't mean we have long dry nights. No, she wakes up every so often to go. And most nights, I do have a miss or two (mainly because I'd hear her stirring but be too tired to realize..). And I embrace those nightly wakings as I am not allowing her to "learn" to loose control of her bladder in sleep. And yes, from the age of two months, she has never went to bed at night with a nappy! Even when we were having a very bad time, and I was really thinking of just letting her sleep with a nappy, I didn't.
Our new thing now at nights, as she is queen of refusals (screaming and getting herself wide awake [as opposed to being half awake] and making it much harder to be put back to sleep, and becaue I'm not always sure if she needs to pee or just wants the breast, well (too long a sentence..) our new thing is to let her nurse while I'm holding her over the bowl!

365 Days of............... personality
Oh my little girl has such a personality! From the minute she was born she was so alert and so curious anout the world. I know I mentioned before how when they took her to the nursery and how all the other babies around her were either asleep or crying loud and she just looked around, absorving it all. Till this day, she is such a curious girl, wanting to know about the world around her. And she doesn't just keep it at being curious, she investigates and learns. Many times she would turn something to look at its back, to see how it works.
She is also very very active. All the time on the go. Sometimes when going to sleep, she would want to lie on me, but then every few seconds she would change positions. She just can't lie still :-).
And she's physical (and might I add very strong!) and many things she taught herself. For examle climbing the slide (and as much as she loves climbing them, she's not too fond of the ride down..) and climbing up the sofa and down (though she didn't do that trick again..).
On the down side, I'd say that like her mother she is not a big smiler. Her face is usually with a serious (should I say curious?) look on it. But when she smiles.. :-)))Love her smiling face in the morning when we decide to indeed get up..

525 948.766 Minutes of........ moving around
They say that new born babies, when put on their mothers' abdomen, can wiggle themseleves up to her breasts. Of course I had to try that when Butterfly was just a few days old, and that is so amazing! And as young as a month or two, I would put her on a mat and she would be able to make some advancment (though with no aim or purpose, just her moving her body, so can not call that crawling..). So I had/have a very active baby, one who is on the go the whole time.
At four months (and one week :-)) she was rolling both ways (from tummy to back and from back to tummy). Then, just before she turned 6 months, she amazed me with her sitting. She simultanously tought herself both to sit and crawl, advancing somewhat on crawling, then the sitting, then again crawling, etc. Crawling, I alwyas knew she'd do early, so not really surprised but that, but the sitting.. I would like to add that we here in Israel are very firm on the no putting babies in a sitting position until they can sit (a bumbo chair, for eg. is a very big no no), which means asking all the time if the angle [and yes, on the laps babies who are not yet sitting are only held in a wide angle is o.k so as not to be sitting] and feeding in a jumper (I think that's what you call it in English. will add that by nine months if baby is still not sitting a high chair for food is o.k...) etc. I think 9 months is when about a baby can sit on their own, and what I was expecting. So how happy was I when she did so at 6 months! And sitting is great, freeing both hands.. [but if they sit before they crawl most likely they won't crawl and that's not the best thing for them. crawling is important].
At 7 months she was standing, and I thought I'll have an early walker, but.. didn't really seem to advance. I think it was 9 months when she started cruising, and then pushing a chair or whatever. On Independence Day she took her first step! (well a quarter of a step, but still a first..) and then almost nothing and then a month later she astonished me by really walking. But then she got a high temperature and she kind of lost it.. She now occasionaly does two or three steps.. Well I'm sure true walking is just around the corner! [and she is funny with those three steps, by the third one her body is so leaning forward, if I catch her she's fall..
But as you saw on the video, she loves climbing the slide (not so going down it..) and loves climbing stairs and going in the tunnel in the playground.

31 556 926 Seconds of........ beauty
My daughter, gorgeous and amazing as she is, does not look at all like me. When I'm out with my mother and her, people quite often will comment how the two of them look alike (they actually don't look too alike besides the blueness of their eyes), but not me. Funny how before giving birth I thought nothing of how she would look. But before giving birth I "knew" she would have some of my features. Well "knew" alright. In the beginning I had a slight fear, not a real fear as I knew she was indeed my baby, but still this thought kept creeping by - what if they made a mistake on transfer day? Not that I wouldn't love her as much as I do if she wasn't biologicaly mine, but.. if she's not mine then she's someone's else! And yes, most likely I've been watching (in my past, haha) too many of those kind of films.
But besides that, I am still having a hard time believing this little girl is my daughter. My daughter. I think it's hard for me to grasp also because of her looks.
And then last night**, when she was sleeping before I went to bed, coming into the dark room, I saw MiniMe lying there. Something about how she lay all spread out (not that I sleep like that, but still) and her hair, oh her hair! (as it was dark I couldn't see how fair her hair is...) What a delight!
And yes, I think Butterfly is gorgeous and amazing and very beautiful (probably a good thing she doesn't look like me, lol). I am so lucky to have her as my daughter :-).

* note - I used google translate for the title, so.. if it's not accurate (in Hebrew, for example, there are two ways of saying 'one'. Google translate had the wrong one..), I'm sorry.

** hmmm... typing this in bits and pieces, so last night was not the 15th (not that it matters)

warning about turning private

2011-06-13T23:14:00.004+03:00

Just a quick post to tell you what I've just discovered - a blogger I have just recently added to my reader (from the ICLW) has closed her blogs to invites only. O.K, I am new, didn't really comment yet so she doesn't know me, so of course I have no access to read her blog. So when I try and get into her blog I have the invites only message.
BUT, you want to know how and why I tried getting into her blog? Because I have the full posts in my reader! That is, because I added her blog to my reader before she turned private (I wonder if it's possible even after turning private), I can still read her posts!
Just thought I'd warn in case you thought about going private..

P.S
Thought of warning her too (because obviously there was a reason why she turned private), but here's another fault with blogger - they mention connecting with blogger owner for permission, but how??

EDT: As she did comment on my blog on that week, and as she does have her e-mail on her user profile, I did manage to send her an note telling her about this.

!~WALKING~!

2011-06-07T14:07:00.005+03:00

Butterfly took her first (quarter of) independent step on Independence Day (yeap :-) ), that was about a month ago (10th of May). But then nothing, until the day before my birthday when she took a few two-three steps. I thought that by the next day I'd have a lovely present, but, well.. we were back to nothing.

A few days ago she started again taking two, three even four steps. Then the night before last, I dreamt she was walking and counted thirteen steps. Next day, besides the two-three steps, she also had a solo performance of 9! steps. And today there was quite a lot of walking! [there were even twenty steps at one time. and yes, I'm counting.....]

OMG I have a walker!!! And yay for my little girl for doing it (just) before her first birthday!
I do hope to get (and post..) a video of it soon.

Nanny Gone Nanny Come

2011-06-06T08:50:00.002+03:00

Still trying to figure what happened that last day of ex-nanny. Yes, she no longer works here. I managed to find someone new, who will hopefully help me now in June and then in the next school year. She sounds good, even very good, just hope I won't be disappointed.
Anyway, the last day of ex-nanny and before the cross words between me and her were said. Before that, it was supposed to be a normal day, but well, it wasn't. When I asked her at the end of the day (again, we're still in the before mode), how it was I got the - oh the usual. Had to dig in and ask her to find her completely lying in regards to Butterfly's sleep - the hours changing and the story at which Butterfly just fell asleep in the pram while taken for a walk (oh, I wish it was that easy to get her to sleep!) and then nanny moved her to sleep in the house (another urg about nanny is how she puts my girl to sleep but that's not for now) and my little girl did not stir. Yes, so unlikely of Butterfly. And can I add that we are talking two or three hours (depend on what version to go) after she had a nice lengthy two hour morning nap??
But then there was no walk, no being out and about. She most likely did force a nap on Butterfly (I asked her not to put her to sleep because she really does not need that extra nap. When asked, I said that if she falls asleep, not to wake her up. Hence my daughter "falling asleep" on the way...).
There's my sister hearing her shout at my girl and the yogurt bowl only half eaten (so not typical).
So what happened?? Did she speak to some friends and decided it was her last day so she can be nasty to my daughter (and yes, I don't think she was too nice to her that last day. Up till then she was mediocre minus, after Thursday she, well you can figure..

And then the work day ended and she asked if I'm still not planning on giving her a letter of recommendation. Nope, she does not deserve one in my eyes. You can't come to work a whole year thinking only about yourself and your comforts and bending the needs/wants of the one you are supposed to care for (who was a total helpless) and then hope to get a reward on that. Anyway I said that no (I actually thought she was beyond and understood she won't get such letter from me) to which she said that she won't be coming anymore and can she have the two days wages (it was on the 2nd, and I paid her [hmm that day] for the month of May). Well no! Didn't and won't pay her for those two days, and as we say in Hebrew, she can jump me!
And you know, the stupid nanny lost all ways - she didn't get paid those two days (come on, in the same sentence she says she quits without giving me notice and then asking for money!?), she does not have a job and she does not have a letter of recommendation. As for me and Butterfly, I can only be pleased she won't be coming.

P.S
And you know, now that Butterfly does not have that extra nap, she goes to sleep at night much earlier and so much easier. It is no longer around 22:30 after about two long frustrating hours of trying to put her to sleep, but at around 20:00 and within maybe twenty minutes.

June

2011-05-29T22:24:00.003+03:00

Have you noticed the time on this post? It took me till almost 22:30 to get Butterfly to sleep. sigh. And it's not the first day nor will it be the last where it is difficult to put her to sleep. I suspect she doesn't really need her afternoon nap anymore. Asked nanny to not put her to sleep. Of curse nanny put her to sleep. Urg! And today was her easy day, only 3.5 hours (other days range from 4 till almost 5). When I showed my disapproval, nanny goes about waking her up from her nap.NO! Once she's sleeping, please do not wake her up, but then again please do not put her to sleep. The result no doubt is it taking me forever to put her to sleep for the night. And oh we had some bitings and goofing and being really tired but also not enough in order to just lay and relax and fall asleep. Knowing I'll have a hard time, I took her to the playground before supper and all. Could do that today as it was relatively early. Can't do so every day.

And I so didn't plan to write so much about that! [I did want to do a post about the ICLW and how I was really good the first half of the week and how the second half... with blogger having some kind of problems with the sign in to comment, Butterfly going to sleep very late, it being hot, me not feeling well.. well the second half didn't go too well]*

But if I did write so much above.. nanny stuff. I have not been pleased with this nanny at all during the year. Lots of small things and big things. Basically she's about her and how to make it better for her, less about my girl. For example she has never put a CD on for my daughter, only the radio for her entertainment, not taking her for walks (and then taking her to the playground but keeping her strapped in the pram [except when she puts her on the swing]. "for her safety" she says. what she should do is go around chasing my little girl and making sure she's fine. i can't tell her to let her loose because then i would be responsible if anything happened and well as i am not around, i can't be) and making her sleep. I do not know what she does. I do know how I can't get her to have a second nap on weekends. But of course it is easier for her if Butterfly sleeps and hour or two (and between you and me, if not for our dear nights [it's 23:45! yikes] I'd really rather as it would mean less time of nanny actually being with my girl). So anyway not pleased with her. Now I didn't look for anyone to replace her as I was both scared that before I had someone nanny would find out and leave my with nothing and my little girl having to deal with a new person.
So dear nanny asked me for a recommendation and dear me refused to give her one. Now I knew she was about to ask (little bird, from my nanny to sister's nanny [or was it sister's nanny telling her she should get a letter of recommendation??] to sister to mother to me...) and I was troubling myself how to approach it. I was going to say yes and then try and write something very vague. Well I ended up refusing. She asks why am I punishing her (!) and that she always got recommendations from all the places she worked before (a. fine, then you have no problem with recommendations, one less really won't matter. b. liar as no doubt you haven't worked as a nanny before..). I don't think a recommendation is a must for me (and I think I was very nice giving her a Pesach gift). So she talks about how she doesn't know if she can carry on working for me, as in she will finish the month but doesn't know about June. It was Monday that we had this conversation, I have no idea what is going to happen in the month of June. I do know that last year I also had to not work in June (you know, giving birth..) so it will be quite bad if again June will be off. O.K it's midnight, I should be heading to bed.

* Which brings me to the fact that I have gazillion posts in my reader, a post birthday blues, no mood to read and not much time either. I will catch up on you, I promise, it just might take some time. [for this week, in honor of ICLW I didn't take a morning nap with Butterfly. I think I'd like to go back to it, leaving me only the nights for all my internet stuff]

SuperClimber

2011-05-25T16:50:00.019+03:00

O.K, I know I said I'll try not to post about my girl, but.. I will post this video down below so if you can and want to, you'll have to scroll down. If you are not up to it, feel free to pass!
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Oh, before I continue, my "save me" in previous post.. I have a shift button that often gets stuck and a caps lock button with no light showing it's pressed and between the two of them I just couldn't press the comma button,,,,
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Just thought I'd explain so you didn't think I'm complelty weird.
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ICLW

2011-05-22T10:33:00.002+03:00

ICLW - the commenting week at the end of the month. Didn't participate in one for a very long time!
I am (yet again) so very much behind on my blog reading, yet I'm going to put aside reading my regular blogs for this week (sorry guys. though I do peek a lot at my reader to see what's new) and attempt to read at least a post from everyone on the ICLW list. May is the month I love to participate in, as the last day of ICLW is my birthday..
So in short about me (besides my birthday being on the 28th lol) - I am a single mother by choice to this amazing little girl who is almost one year old. I do talk mainly about her on my blog, but as I know there are many of you who are not yet fortune to have a child, and I think it's worse when she's a baby, I am going to try and not speak about her for this week.
Other than that not much to say. Lets see, I teach for a living [please save me! the "shift" and the "caps lock" keys are conspiring against me!], live in Israel, have cats..

The meaning of life

2011-05-13T22:18:00.000+03:00

yep, that big question..

I believe in the before and after life. That there is this higher form of life where our souls live, but for some reason (a lesson we want to learn), we materialize as humans (or ants or zebras or grass or trees..). In that after/before life place, we "decide" how/why/who we will connect on this life, like friends, a teacher and a pupil, friends, etc. Throughout my pregnancy, I completely had this sensation that Butterfly is a very old soul, not a newbie. I remember feeling how weird as obviously this is a baby and I should feel like she is new into the world. Now of course it could be my beliefs that made me feel that way, I don't know. I just know that that's how I felt. And I do believe that she is here to teach me a lesson and to learn one herself (as any other person).

On a side note, not sure yet how or if relevant but feel like I should mention.. ever since her birth, I feel much much older than just before, and I am very scared of dying. It's going to happen! I will die one day. And oh my! I just hope my little girl won't be so little.
And there was this programme I saw once ( I believe a BBC production) where they showed that all these near death experiences that we hear of, where people nearly die but haven't and came back to tell about it, with meeting with those who have already passed and the purple tunnel and the bright light and all, all those had some kind of scientific explanation. And I took that quite hard. [but now writing, they only proved that there may be scientific proof to the above phenomena, still doesn't mean that near death experiences aren't real..].

So, the other day I read this article. It talked about the big bang and the end of the universe, blah blah. And then it talked about how when the universe will end, it will end. There will be no other big bang to restart the stars and all. Just a big nothing (and even the black holes will die out). Now I thought the theory was that the universe is expanding and then will collapse and then expand again, etc. Or that if it will one day die, then there will be again a big bang etc. Not that the universe will one day die and that will be it.
And yes, that will happen so far into the future, that planet Earth will probably not even be a memory, and nobody will know there ever was a Billy and a Butterfly. But if the universe is to die one day, then all my nice belief about the life before and after death, well not really possible. So if so, if we are not put here to learn a lesson, what is the meaning of life?? Is life really just a coincidence where the right organs and chemicals and all met? Are we just randomness or is there something more than that to life?
Yeah, the big question. That's what's on my mind these days. So on to you, my one and a half reader - What is your intake on the meaning of life, or do you think there's no meaning?
(P.S - scheduling this to be published sometime in the near future)

So, how was your night?

2011-05-02T04:07:00.006+03:00

Ours? I bet you can guess by the title and by the time I started this post.
Probably teething. Urg! I think the more teeth she gets, the worse it gets.

If I leave this space empty, then it'll be 4! consecutive posts without a title. Now how's that for a title?

2011-04-30T16:47:00.006+03:00

Just a little video from today :-).

Oh, yeah, what I wanted to say - I think I should say nothing about the dirty shirt (orange juice and mud!) because I think it might be a bit too dark to see. So I should also not appologize for Butterfly's very messy hair (she just woke up), again probably too dark to see. Savta is grandma in Hebrew, and I am very camera shy, so I try and be out of the frame and well, don't talk (but my mum does enough talking for both of us. lol).

2011-04-20T23:07:00.003+03:00

[a third post in a row without a title!]

Before signing off and going to sleep (which as she wakes less often now, I allow myself to stay up and not go to sleep with her, lol. Problem is I can sometimes forget myself and not go to sleep until late).

My oldest niece, she is quite (hmmm.. very) cold towards my daughter. Which, well, she actually is usually great around babies, so why? My original thought was that as this is not her first younger cousin (she is the oldest most were born in recent years) plus she has very young brother and sister (half, not from my side), maybe she's tired of all the babies around her. Next thought is that I'm not cool [and I am not cool. I know that and don't really care..], so not cool to be around my kid. And seeing her hovering over my brother's daughters when they came for a visit.. [while at the same time totally ignoring my daughter (as well as her other cousins) oh well.]. And then today I'm thinking maybe it's the name. See, she and my daughter have a very similar first name and they are both named after my grandmother. She once commented (before me annoncing the name), how she doesn't like that my cousin gave her dughter this same second name. Well tough. She (Subta as we used to call her) was my grandmother as well as my sister's (her mother..) and my cousin. Just because she was born first doesn't mean we can't also name our child after the same person.

Bath. Doing so much better! She now actually enjoys it! Loves splashing water :-) [although she does need a little nudge going in, and really doesn't like when I wash her hair and water gets in/near her eyes.
We are still having our baths outside. I do think we are ready to come in but also that it is so much more fun having a bath outside, that I think we'll stay outside as long as the weather permits.

We are nearing the end of the Pesach holiday. As much as it is hard being all day every day with her with mostly nothing special to do, I also very much like being 24/7 with her. And the joy that an hour's relief can bring :-) [i.e sister watching her while I quickly go to the shops]. We are a bit off balanced from the little schedule routine we had, so I do want to get back on track there, but so don't want to hand her over to the nanny, and not so much because she's a crap nanny (and no, that doesn't help), just because I want her all to myself!

And now for why I'm actually sitting and writing this post (it is now almost midnight. While writing I had to put her back to sleep. Unfortunatly as I wanted to be quick so that to continue writing, I didn't offer the bowl. Yes she peed and yes she is still with her wet trousers. I just prefer changing her when she's fast asleep because otherwise there will be a lot of crying and god knows when there'll be sleep again!). I wanted to tell you, tell someone, how cute she was when she woke from her (very belated, see, told you off schedule) morning nap. Ususally I'd go in and see her lying with her eyes open. And then, as soon as she sees me, what a big smile! I so love that seeing mummy smile of hers :-). Anyway I go check on her and she is still asleep (about time for her to wake) so I go back to the other room. Half a minute later I see her coming to me. That was the cutest thing ever! I never know how long she lies in bed until I come (I do think that not much as I don't hear her), but she has never done that before [and I will add that she knows only too well how to get in and out of our bed, so it's not something she's just learnt].

EDT - "and god knows when there'll be sleep again!" - I knew when I wrote it that I shouldn't. You know, jinxing. Changing her went well and I managed to lie a few minutes before.... almost quarter to two when she finally got to sleep [and even now as I'm typing she's making noises]. She just fights it and fights it and fights it. Earlier today we came home from sister, over 1/2 an hour drive [that is, with my sister driving fast..]. She was tired (and doesn't so much like being in cars), but would she sleep? Her eyes were closing from time to time, but no, she will not sleep! Instead she screamed almost the whole journey. Oh the joy. It's already 2 am now. I really liked it better when I went to sleep when she did and had a good night's sleep (even if waking often enough during the night).

2011-04-16T15:09:00.004+03:00

A post in which I don't speak. Where I don't tell you about this lovely birthday party we've been to today, and where I don't mention that the only complaint was this terrible sun! It was so hot.. (and I'll also not mention that 11:00 is kind of plus minus nap time for us as we did do, well she, some napping on the way). But I think Butterfly had a lovely time :-). A post where I don't rumble about getting there. Where I don't tell you how I decided to walk by myself (it's in a neighbouring town) and when I saw how hot it is in the morning I thought of asking sis but since she was sleeping I decided yes to walk it. As I am not telling you a thing in this post, I also won't tell you how I tried taking the short cut through the new neighbourhood and the fields I needed to pass to get there. And how it was awfully hot and how I had to go up and down, and the fall (Butterfly on the sling in front and me falling forwards. Good think she was, as always, facing me) and Butterfly falling asleep right after the fall. And those very high plants that were hard to navigate through, and the thorns.. (yes, it was quite an adventure getting there. Don't worry, coming back we did the motor way with sister, lol). And.....

But well, I really just wanted to post this picture to show a better side of my little one :-). [although not a good hair day, at least it's not covered with food..]

2011-04-13T20:52:00.008+03:00

OMG is this what I signed up for?? I was not looking for just a second and.. I mean spitting out the avocado is one thing. I try from time to time giving her avocado, more often than not she does not like it. [don't ask me how she can not like avocado, that's beyond me. lol]. But I should have realized she's not hungry when the sweet potato came out of her mouth! And might I add that to make life interesting, that's not just sweet potato (and avocado, though there were only a few pieces and by this stage I've taking [well eaten..] the rest out), it's sweet potato mixed with tehina! Yes, sticky and gooey and what a mixture to go up the hair!!

And yes, seems like someone wasn't paying attention at the 'this is the side of the spoon that goes in the mouth' lesson.

! TMI alert !

While I do have fresh ones at home, they are not to be used on Butterfly (yes, she may put it in her mouth, and yes she may do so after I use it to clean her pee from the mat, but not on her dear tush. that kind of mother I am..). When she does a poo I wash her under the sink. Except for one or two really cold days when the water in the sink wasn't warm enough (and then I dabbed her with toilet paper I've wetted), we've always done it this way. Which means (o.k, reminder of that tmi alert..) me scrapping the poo with my bare hands and then getting it down the sink, throwing some to the toilet (now do you believe me when I say tmi!?). Funny how sis#1, when her daughter was a baby once said how she does not like cleaning the poo and how lucky she is that her hubby doesn't mind. Well for me, it's not that I love it, it's just that I love knowing it is done with love and care. So whenever the nanny says there was a poo instead of being happy that someone else had to clean her up, I always feel disappointed or sad that it was not me doing the cleaning. But I digress.

So anyway I was at the mall today with her for some kind of baby activity when she did a poo. I think a first for us, which yes probably means we don't go out too often, lol. Anyway while someone was minding my bag, I went with Butterfly to the toilets (in my socks!) and, not a nice experience. First, I usually begin with flipping whatever can into the toilet (yeah, suppose that alert is still good for here..). Nothing much went. Wait, first of course was cleaning girl's tush. Grrr.. only cold water. Oh well what can we do? But then what do I do with her when cleaning the dirty nappy!? Had to put her on the floor (at least it was a clean bathroom). Go to clean nappy (see above). So had to do it all in the sink. Now the taps at the mall are such that after some time they close automatically, in an attempt to save water (though I always finish washing my hands long before the water stops, so it's actually more a waste than a save [you can't close the tap manually]). Anyway this tap was something wrong with as I kept needing to press it (each press only lasted for seconds). Now I couldn't go to another sink because I had poo in the sink, so boy did it take me a long time to clean. I then see a nice pile on the floor next to girl. Great! She did another poo in the meantime.. And I'll add that I had no bag to put the dirty nappy in and there were no paper towels, so had to wrap it in toilet paper..

Yes, a day in the life of a cloth nappy user..

And last but not least.. the last few days I have these thoughts about my little baby who is growing so fast she very soon won't be a baby anymore. And how I want her to be my little baby forever but I also very much want her to grow and walk and talk and be a three year old and a five year old. It's weird wanting her to stay a baby and become a toddler at the same time..

EDT (because you really want to know, or hmmm see above alert!?)

Next morning, while still in bed and hoping for more sleep I realize Buterfly might need to pee so I put her on the bowl. Well a big poo, but yay for catching it! I manage to not take off her trousers completly when washing her, so I pull up the trousers, put her in the other room and get to clean up. I sit a few minutes by the computer and Butterfly is sitting silently on th mat. Too silently. Yes, more poo. We go to the bathroom again, trousers get off, girl's tush gets clean, girl is put in the bedroom while mummy cleans trousers and hands throughly. Step out of bathroom and... oh my! that's a horrible big lump on the carpet :-( So again the procedure of cleaning girl, cleaning carpet, putting girl in other room, cleaning self and.. you've guessed it! sigh. At least a very small one this time.

2.5 weeks

2011-04-08T08:24:00.005+03:00

Woke up this morning and oh, how nice! Butterfly and I have two and a half weeks [Pesach Holiday] of no nanny! Two and a half weeks of just ourselves! And while most of the time will also be without my mum who helps me a lot (she going on vacation), but I don't have to leave my girl with someone I don't trust and don't think is good enough for my daughter.
I am working, albeit less than usual, next week. Probably would have more work if I had a nanny (if they weren't sure if they want a lesson I didn't talk them into having one), but o.k. While in the interview I said this week there won't be work and she said great because she wanted to be with her kid. The other day she then mentions April being a very low pay month and I say that I am working some but less than usual, if she wants (at that point I knew of only two pupils who wanted a lesson). She said yes, but later that day talked about how it's not worth it for her. O.K, fine with me! So two and a half weeks of me and girly :-)). And when the Pesach Holiday is over, that would be two months till the end of the year, just two months.. Yes, I am looking for someone, I really do not want to continue with this woman, but I'm not sure about finding someone for the last two months.

Guess who has now learnt how to take out my USB internet connection?? "Fighting" over it I can see how probably not very long in the future we will be "fighting" over computer time. (I mean now she doesn't like my computer time as obviously I am not with her [when she sleeps!? naa, doesn't work for me. maybe I'll explain in another post, maybe not] but soon will be a time when she will want to use the computer. o.k I'm really rumbling instead of going to sleep.

Just want to finish with what a smart little girl she is - I was sitting on one side of the garden deck having breakfast with Butterfly playing by my side. She then (after groaning a bit) went all the way to the other side, to a small (children's) plastic table, stood by it and peed! She prefers peeing standing up (yes, she was with just a top) as to not to pee on herself, and she does that, stands to pee. But going all the way to the other side so she can use the table to stand? Isn't she clever?

Questionair: Can you be my nanny?

2011-04-04T16:08:00.010+03:00

1) How many hours would you be talking on your phone while taking care of me:

a. I do no such thing!

b. Okay, I admit I do some talking.

c. How many hours do I work?

2)And what do you tell my mum when she asks you to phone her in case of an emergency (something she didn't say before because she thought was obvious):

a. Don't worry! Your mum, sister, doctor, hospital... I know all those numbers by heart.

b. Sure, will do.

c. My phone has only incoming calls.

3)Where would you take me for a walk? How long for? And at what time of the day?

a.Well of course when I come at 14:00 and it's nice and warm (not yet summer). We'd go to the local playground for about an half an hour an hour and have a very good time.

b. To the local playground when I feel like we should go.

c. Taking you for a walk!? I don't think so! Your mum can nag & nag, I'll just take you for a ten minute walk up and down the street. And of course when it's dark and cold! Oh wait! I can sneak you to my house for an hour or two without your mother knowing, can't I?*

4) How do you feel about listening to children's songs, even if they're not in your language?

a. That's a cool way to improve my English! Oh, and I see you also have classical music! We'll play music a lot.

b. Well, I do prefer the songs I know, but I guess I can learn something new.

c. I don't speak it - I don't play it! And take away those classical CDs! No, I'll stick to the good old absolutely nothing for kids radio.

5) What about safety in the house?

a. Babies can get hurt. I'll take every safety precaution to make sure it doesn't happen.

b. I'll try my best to keep you safe!

c. O.K, so your mum showed me that gate thing at the top of the stairs [and yes, stairs lead straight to room where baby plays. No hall or anything]. She even showed me how to open/close it. But hey, what's the big deal!? Why would I want to bother and close it???**

* I must say huge improvement here! She finally, after really nagging her for 7 months, learned where the local playground is (5 minute walk with a pram!) and that it's much nicer also for her! She now goes with my sister's kids nanny [who has quite often asked "my" nanny to join]

** I had a rant post which I started writing (and accidentally published instead of saving), continued on paper and more or less got it out of my system. Until by chance I discovered today she doesn't know how to open/close the stair gate. We (my mum and I) always hand baby over to her downstairs (mum's place) or outside. It never occurred to us she is not using the gate! Beyond safety, I am quite upset that for over three months my daughter must have been hearing all these unnecessary "no"s.

P.S

Stopping here. And not because there no more questions..

EDT (which is kind of funny as I haven't yet written here the post..[wrote post on paper first]). I am so furious! As I mentioned, yesterday me and mum were shocked to find out she doesn't use the stair gate (doesn't even know how to use it). She was told how to. Today mum saw her as she was leaving and told her again to use the gate. I hand her the baby (down at my mum's) and ask her to go up and finish dressing her. After a few minutes I come up and..... the gate is open! OMG do you think we were kidding??? So she says to me I forgot. Damn was I cross with her. You can forget to take the baby for a walk. You can forget to change her nappy. You can forget to feed her. But you CANNOT forget to close the stair gate. I made her show me how she closes and opens it while she rolled her eyes. Yeah, whatever, baby safety.

[number only as I can't seem able to seperate this from previous paragraph, it keeps on sticking together..] Another Edit to Add: This is already a long post (and my girl is sleeping in the other room and I'm scared the noise of me typing will wake her..), so I'll be short. To say I'm not pleased with this nanny will be an understatement. At first I was frightened to look for someone else in case she finds out (and leaves me before I do find a replacement). But lately things are really bad. And yesterday, seeing her have my girl on the swing for almost half an hour, hardly paying attention to her, maybe once giving a faint push another time sang a song.. I was so upset. [the stupid nanny knew I could see. mum says she doing it to show me as I don't allow her to take baby for a walk at this hour (it's cold but more importantly, this is the time she takes her to her house..).But as mum also says, she's digging her own grave. I'm going back and forth between finding someone new and just swallowing it till the end of the year (mainly as I'm not sure it's good for my baby, at 9 months with all the fear of strangers of this age, to bring someone new. I think better done at the end of the holiday, slowly introducing this new person. Anyway I am interviewing, just hope I'll do a better job choosing (and if I see she's not the right person, don't keep her..). [yes, that wasn't exactly short..]

moments

2011-03-30T08:43:00.008+02:00

I have these moments when I fear what will happen with Butterfly if something were to happen to me. You know, being her only parent. (mum promised me she will remain in the family!). And then the other day I had an opposite moment. I am the sole parent of this wonderful girl, I have her all to myself. No body to share the parenthood with, nobody to "go halfs" with. She is just wonderfully fully, completely, absolutely mine!
[While I'm typing someone is picking up my shirt searching.. I know they are here somewhere! (oh, and just for the record, same someone just bit me again while nursing, which is why I went away to the computer. hmmm was?? is! my waist..)]
Our (well her) first sick. A little vomit and two days after the diarrhea. Yes, unsurprising the exact same time as the emergence of those top teeth. Not nice watching your kid not being well and not able to do much to help.

Does new teeth necessary mean biting?? There were a few bitings when she first got her bottom teeth. Nothing since. And now, about two months later with the top teeth coming she's biting again.. She bites, I call out in pain while pulling out my breast and she just laughs. More so she gets this big grin on her mouth (while nursing) and I know she's about to bite.. Of course I tell her no biting and stop nursing. This is just new from ~~last~~ the other night. I hope it doesn't last..
moments of sleep.. One benefit of bed sharing is the synchronising of the sleep/wake thing that happens, we both get to wake up together. Great when she wakes to nurse, and before she cries (making going back to sleep so much harder) my breast is already there for her(unfortunately many nights I am too tired to remember it's probably time to pee). Not so great last night when she wakes, she's uneasy [still not too well. those damn teeth.. she has four popping together, two popped, two more to go for now] finally goes to sleep. While nursing her I also drift into sleep, but not in a preferred position. Then I wake, glad to see she's asleep, and role over. Only that synchronising thing, she also wakes and so on and on and on. [I knew she had a poop bothering her and tried putting her a few times over the bowl but she only peed. Only come morning did she go]

We changed clocks last night. Weird how my watch will now be accurate :-D [I love summer time and refuse to let go, so all year round my watch is on summer time].

20 Answers

2011-03-13T09:11:00.009+02:00

First an update on the bath situation: the new thing now is washing her outside with a bowl of warm water. Of course this doesn't work when it's raining and cold.... [have a video of that first outside "bath" but don't seem to be able to upload it to blogger]

And now to the meme :-). FruitFish at Waiting to Mommyhood tagged me on this 20 questions & answers meme. According to the rules, you may replace any question you don't like with your own. And tag four other bloggers.

So here it goes:

1) If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I had a dog. She was most certainbly part of my family! She was my first little girl. And I've mentioned before that my daughter was created on the same date of her death. For me that means a connection between the two. I now have cats. Can't call them members of my family, maybe distant relatives..

2) If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
Living in a nice little house in the country with a little stream or maybe a lake at the bottom of the garden and also a forest with wild (friendly)animals. Raising both(!) my kids there doing home education (until perhaps high school?).

3) What would you do with a billion dollars?
Well obviously strive to make my above dream come true..
I would put a large sum of money aside for my kids to enjoy (both for stuff growing up and for their future like higher education).
I would then give some of the money to family and friends.
With a billion dollars, I guess I would still have plenty left, so.. there is this blogger whom I've been following for some years now. She could be the most wonderful mother ever. Except money speaks and she can't afford the cost of becoming one. I think it's totally unfair not to be able to become a mother due to finances. So I guess the rest of the money will go to her and other mothers to be who can't afford it.

4) What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Nature. Seeing a bird flying in the sky, or hearing it sing or a hedgehog or any other animal.
And of course my little girl. Her smile melts me down :-)).

5) What is your bedtime routine?
Don't think we really have such a thing.. Butterfly shows signs of tiredness, we go to bed. She nurses and nurses and nurses, mostly while doing some gym, butt high in the air while feet and head (hmm mouth..) are on the "ground", or turning herself without disconnecting from the nipple (she's a champ!) etc. Eventually she will fall asleep and by then I'm mostly so tired myself I go to sleep too.

6) If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?
Nothing much. That date I talked about the other day..didn't hear a thing. I think it was the baby that turned him off.

7) What kind of books do you read?
I like historical novels, but any good read will do :-) [the question is more the time.. one book I have in my bag to read when going to work, another is in the toilet (and not that Butterfly lets me..), a third with my breakfast (hmm again not that she so lets me) when I'm not on the computer.

8) How do you see yourself in 10 years?
With a ten year old and hopefully a younger brother or sister.

9)What’s your fear?
Plenty. Since the birth of my daughter, I think dying is the number one.

10) Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Well on one hand I'd love to see outer space. And junk food is so not healthy! On the other.. I'm claustrophobic and being stuck in a space ship without being able to exit for who knows how long doesn't make me feel good, and you know, junk food is tasty! So I'm undecided..

11) What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Look at Butterfly and try to detrmine if we can sneek in a bit more sleep or if we call it day...

12) If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?
no comprendo! If I'm in a relation I get to change any feature but if single it's the look that counts?? Anyway I guess if it's the looks then I'd choose a guy that looks like my daughter as she does not look like me at all.

13) If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I've been living with my name for over 40 years now, I'm pretty used to it by now..
But I like the names Sarah, and Ruth andRachel (again can never see myself in them and not names I'd pick for my daughter, just names I like).

14) If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?
Choosing between sun and rain?? Oh, a hard one! I'll be greedy and take both! And bring a nice rainbow too!!

15) If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
I think I'd go with fruit (though technically that's not just one thing..)

16) What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
I think most of all it's this sense of community. Reading about other SMCs (or SMCs in the making) and writing about how this journery unfolds for us. A place to vent as well as to share my joys.
And also knowing that perhaps one day Butterfly will want to read here, things that don't get written in her scrapbook..

17) Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
Again, I am not making a choice as I like both!

18) What items are in your purse right now?
Hmmm.... you mean that empty (or almost emty though can't remember now what's still in it) thing thrown in some hidden corner?
But the bag I carry for work, beyond teaching material contains my wallet, a book I'm reading (see #7) a notebok and lip balm. In baby bag, besides baby stuff there's again lip balm, a hair brush (I never use it, but I always check back it's there..) and I think that's it (wallet of course when in use).

19) If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
I think I'd go with the beach. (though neither would be my first choice)

20) ~~What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?~~ [have to change this question as I do not have a TV!] So I'll go with the reverse - What would you like to watch on TV that you are not watching?
Well there was this programme, I think it was called "Little Angels" in which a psychologist (mainly Tanya..) came and helped with some parenting issues. I liked it more than Super Nanny.

And now for the tags.. I'm tagging

P.S
Zero! I have zero posts in my reader, as in - your reading list has no unread items! (and another half an hour of idle internetting as I forgot this hour's pupil is on a trip..)

P.P.S
Oops! seems I accidentaly pressed the publish button instead of the save on a nanny rant post I am working on..

Iced Ink

2011-03-01T17:37:00.008+02:00

I thought back them it was hard having a shower with such a small baby, thought it would be easier as she grows. Well, no!!!! Sometimes she'll sit curiously outside, but mostly at some point she'll scream. So I don't shower too often, and well.. the title says it..

But more than me, let's talk about cleaning my little Butterfly. At first I used baby bath and all was well. But she out grew it, and truth is I dragged using that baby bath a bit too long. Anyway wasn't sure how to bathe her as I have no (adult) bath. My original plan was when she'll be some-what older to have her sitting on a plastic chair in the shower, but she's not quite ready for that now, so not an option.. At one time I went to my mother's and we had a bath together in her bath. At first she was a bit scared so I sat in the bath with her and nursed her.. I am so happy I can calm her like that :-). I really enjoyed that bath together - a mother and daughter together in the bath. Though for me the water was a bit cold.. But it's at my mum's house and I do need help dressing her afterwards [the room near the bath is cold, no heater. Downstaris where I would dress her is open to everyone. Obviously I'd dress her before I dress myself, but it's down-stairs, where anybody can see..]. So while it seems a good solution, we don't do it too often (in fact, we haven't after those first two tries..).
But then I do not want bathing at my mum's do be the solution. Good for now and then but not for the everyday bath. And so I got a tub, you know the one, used mainly for washing. And size wise it ideal! She can sit in it and has plenty of room. So we had our first bath in it, and all was well. Then, for some reason or another, we didn't have a bath in about a week. The week that she learnt to stand. The next time I put her in that tub (and probably my mistake for being concerned first with wetting her and not with showing her the toys..), she just got up and screamed and screamed and screamed. [I will note that while I most certainly call what she did screaming, sister says Butterfly was just crying. the truth is probably somewhere in between..]. From then it became quite impossible to bathe her - she stands up, refuses to sit and screams/cries. Tried putting her together with her two yr cousin. nope. Tried warmer water. nope. Tried more water. nope. Tried less water. nope. Tried more toys. nope. Mum tried in her bath. nope (o.k, she did get her bathed, but not without tears being shed). Tried breastfeeding her while in the tub. Not an easy feat, to say the least. nope (well yes while on the breast, but not a second after..). What I do eventually do* is take her out when she cries, and while she's on me put the soap on and then wash it off with water - yes, while she's still on me.. So bath is a rare occasion in our household nowadays.

And not so related (well should do something about the stench, lol), I understand sis has a guy to fix me up with for a blind date. I don't know anything about him yet, so I am jumping my horses, but.. How do you do it? How do you date when you have a little baby at home? More so when mother goes to bed together with daughter [I know this is not the best thing to do, but right now it works best for us..]? I mean for that first date I could ask my mother to watch the girl, but I don't know about next possible dates, and well I can't go out saying - you're a nice guy but I have a baby so won't be able to see you again until...... As I said I am ahead of me. I only just heard there's a guy...

And talking about guys, a weird dream I had. I'll cut it short to the point - this guy (and might I add that I dreamt it before hearing of potential date) gives me this wedding ring, except on the ring is engraved the name Emily (not my name!) and I don't remember what else. He couldn't/didn't even bother rubbing previous girl's name! Was totally weird as weddings and guys (in the dating sense) are not ususally what I dream about. [I wonder if this guy I'm suppose to date had an Emily before, lol]

* I am told to just wash her and she'll get used to it etc. I am not willing to make bathing time a trauma for her.

Butterfly is taking her morning nap

2011-02-19T11:02:00.003+02:00

and guess where I am..

hint #1: not lying by her side forcibly napping too (though as a sleep lover that isn't too bad lol).

hint #2: if not for my slow computer, I would have been able to do much more catching up on my blog reading.

o.k, I'm frightened she'll wake from me typing (I am not even going to pee till she wakes up even though I so need to go, 'cause I don't want to disturb little wake up from any little sound butterfly), so I'll stop here..

Family Day

2011-02-05T09:33:00.008+02:00

~~Yesterday~~ The other day was Family Day here in Israel. And while we didn't do anything special, I was very excited about it. I would rather if it had been Mother's Day like it had been in the past, but still, a day to stop and look at my little family. My little family.
Daily I look at her and am at awe. Can't believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. Am thinking a lot if I will be able to have a sibling for her or not (always wanted more than one child. On that note I'll mention what a fool I was when I was young, saying I'd rather have no children than an only child..). And I probably do quite a lot of ranting about her on my blog, but I totally think she is such an amazing little girl. And I do think a lot about you guys (or should I say gals) who are not mothers yet. I just hope you get to celebrate Family Day or Mother's Day very soon.

Will finish with this funny moment - we (sisters and I) were sitting for a meal with her on my laps. What was said was said and I got quite angry, so I answer back in an angry tone. All of a sudden a little hand comes bashing into the food on my plate, mirroring of course my anger. It was so funny, but also a reminder to be more conscious of what and how I do because there are these little eyes that are watching me the whole time and learning from me.

(NOT) going to sleep [a rant]

2011-01-31T09:18:00.002+02:00

It is now quarter to ten. She's been up since six. She is tired. She should have already had her morning nap (or at least be napping) by now. But she will not go to sleep. I know today is worse because I've been less with her and more on the computer (trying to do some internet catching up, because morning is almost the only time I have for such, as when girl goes to sleep, I too "have to" go to bed. the plus side is that I don't get carried away and go to sleep too late like I did before but more importantly much easier to sooth her back to sleep if I'm by her side than if I'm only 20 seconds away in the next room). Just lies nursing by your side with eyes wide open. And nope, she won't close them! [gets me so errrrr. girl, just close your eyes and see how much easier it will be to fall asleep!] and.. what's that new thing you're doing..? trying to blow bubbles on my breast??

Interrupting news. At 9:55 girl finally fell asleep and slept for an hour and a half! Woke when mummy woke and had a thought of turning and lying with back to girl! [because you know, she has the back detector, wakes up if you turn your back to her..]

And then she does fall asleep, and... a normal person falls asleep and is asleep, right? So if something was to bother them at this point they would maybe open their eyes, toss to the other side, yawn and go back to sleep. Not with this girl. The slightest thing and she wakes up and is wide awake, and I had my nap thank you very much. Just no point of even trying to put her back to sleep again for a while. And I used to say to my self - how stupid of me for whatever I did, but well...
And I keep of getting advice (more like assvice) about how to help her sleep at night, like give her a bottle (used to - a bigger bottle!) or just a teaspoon of cereal (mother keeps on going on how from two months of age that would keep us asleep for the whole night. not interested in cereal. she is big and most certainly does not need pumping up by those extra calories). And well, that's not my problem. She is a baby and as one wakes up every so often to nurse and for comfort and whatever. We share a bed so all I have to do is pick my shirt up and shove a boob in her mouth. (but first put her on a bowl as it usually means she has to pee, but that's just on a side note). I don't have a problem with her not sleeping the whole night. Oh, and it also means she nurses! I am now much better with the breast feeding, but still a positive in my books for all those wakings. My (our..) problem is getting her to sleep.

I shouted at my daughter.

2011-01-25T08:30:00.003+02:00

Last night I shouted at my daughter :-(.

We were trying to get to sleep and she's over tired and sucks on my breast and tries to get up etc, i.e not getting to sleep. Anyway she then pees in her trousers (we don't wear a nappy to bed. lately I had very good nights with no misses! but yes, we do have misses. especially if girl drinks a lot and refuses to go to sleep, and mother is focused on getting girl to sleep and doesn't look out for signs...), and I go to change her, quite pissed by now. As usual when she is changed, she turns and escapes and what not. Funny how when she was little I thought how easy it is to change a baby and what are those people talking about.... oh and the screaming. I'm sure you've heard her from across the ocean.. Sometimes giving her something in her hands helps. So she's heading for the torch which was a few cm from her head and not only do I not let her get it, I also don't give it to her (stupid me. I was really getting angry at this point). And then I shout at her "enough already". She was a bit stunned, let me dress her and went to sleep without anymore fuss.

And I felt so bad for shouting at her. Felt like I'm following my father's foot steps, who would just go off and shout at us, never really patient with us. And I know I'm usually very patient and the above is not an everyday occurrence, but well in that moment I was my father there, and if I had one moment, there could be more. I just hope that by being aware, there won't be many (or any) such incidents.

1/2

2010-12-16T09:52:00.001+02:00

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

tidbits

2010-12-10T10:46:00.002+02:00

Paige
What terrible news. She (she, because I doubt she'll be reading this blog anytime soon) is almost all the time in my thoughts. How can such a thing happen!? And more so, how can it happen just after a woman starts feeling baby moving and the joy it brings, and then finding out she's having a boy. To say how unfair it is, will be an understatement.

SMC
That is single mothers by choice. Choice. I won't go into the Hebrew translation/semantics (kind of complicated to explain), but in brief there is a word (well exact me has to say compound word..) to talk about a person (mainly woman) who is the only or main care taker of her kids, be it by divorce or becoming pregnant through donor sperm etc. I think in English single mum also refers to it all. Then this new word was coined with the meaning of the woman (or man, but that's too rare) who is the only parent of the kid, there's no one else in the background. And I like this word and use it to describe myself. But then they also added - by choice. And well... there was recently a discussion about it on my board, because someone stated how she doesn't like the 'by choice', as she didn't see what choice she had. Most of the woman said she did have a choice, how she could have probably compromised on such and such a guy or went to shared parenting etc. I am with that woman on that that having a kid alone was not so much a choice but life circumstances. The same thing about choice could be said about many other paths we take/don't take in life. For example, at one time I very much wanted to be a pathologist. Circumstances more than anything, and I didn't become one. And it's not a bad or a good thing. As for the word choice in Single Mothers by Choice, I see it as describing my motherhood and not how I got there (single). I chose to become a mother. I didn't choose to become a single one. And just to clarify, I am not saying it's a bad thing or that I'm miserable etc. I couldn't be any happier than I am now, choice or no choice.

love
I very much expected baby to pop out of me and me to feel tremendous love for her, because you know, I've been waiting for this little girl to come into my life for such a long time, from long before I knew I could do this and that I could do this on my own. Too many years of dreaming of her/him. So of course I'd love her the moment she enters the world! More so that I was bonding with her during pregnancy. But then maybe it was the horrid birth and maybe those first very difficult months, and maybe those are just excuses, but I didn't feel love for my little girl. I cared for her a lot and would do anything for her, but it wasn't love. Not sure when I started actually loving her, but today? I love this little girl to pieces, I love her to the moon and back and back again. I just love love love her. And I try telling her how I love her, so she'll grow up with that word on her lips :-).

breastfeeding
I think mostly when I mentioned breastfeeding, it was in a negative context. Well, I just want to say how so very much I am lately enjoying breastfeeding my little girl. She is hard to breastfeed as she grabs and pokes and pulls and you name it with those little hands of hers, but shhhh... I am here now to tell you how I love it. How I look at her on my breast, how she claims that soft tissue to be hers! And I love that, love how natural it is for her, how it calms her, how it feeds her, how it's just there for her and how she knows it!

a crawler
yikes! I knew it would come early (she is so very active and achieved previous goals early too) and for some time knew any minute she should actually be crawling and not going backwards or doing the jumping thing she does to advance. And while it's not so easy as the floor (laminated) is too slippery, more so with it being winter and the trousers, but omg! She now can get anywhere she wants! And I am so behind on the child proofing!

2010-12-05T21:04:00.003+02:00

Dear Paige has just lost her baby. Please go and be with her.
Obviously I won't do my small miracles post.

miracles.. day#3

2010-12-04T20:56:00.002+02:00

The nanny. I'm not over the moon with her. She's o.k for the job I guess, simple as she is. When I was searching for a nanny, I wanted someone young and full of energy. I didn't care for experience (on the contrary, preferred none), but the women who came to be interviewed.. The one before my nanny might have had many years of experience, but, hmmm.. was quite old and grumpy slow and heavy going. To tell the truth, I just saw her and it was a no. And I was in a kind of despair if that's what I'll find.
And then my nanny came. And while not exactly the youngster I was looking for, she is still young enough and mostly she seemed with a positive attitude to life. Now that's something I'd like my girl to be around.. She always greats us with a big hello, always seems happy to see Butterfly.
Another thing - I don't work on school holidays. Most of the nannies I've interviewed had a problem with that, but what can I do!? As it is I am squeezing my badget to pay for the nanny, so to give out money when I'm not getting any?? Well turns out this nanny has another morning job and also a son in school. She prefers having school holidays off so she can be with her son!
And might I add that I found her really in the last moment??

miracles.. day #2

2010-12-03T22:26:00.002+02:00

Butterfly

(need I say more?)

Hanukkah, 8 days of small miracles. Day #1

2010-12-02T18:09:00.004+02:00

I'm stealing Shannon's week of thankfulness and turning it into eight days of small miracles, as it is now Hanukkah, the festival of miracles. Let's see if I can come up with 8 small miracles. You are welcome to join the fun and come up with your miracles!

So day one. I'll keep the obvious one for tomorrow because today was a first:-).
I have the cats who now live outside. I am actually now hardly with them, I more or less just feed them. But even feeding them is not so easy with a little baby in my arms. So I have to put her down in the house, go down and out to feed them and back to her, which means they get fed whenever I can. I keep telling them this is momentary, that as soon as Butterfly will be able to sit, it will be easier as I would just put her down by my side while feeding them. [and might I add that it probably won't be too long now, as when she's on six, she goes down into a sitting position but still has her hands on the floor. Can't wait for her to sit!] Anyway, as she can be on six, it occurred to me today that I can put her (gently as outside tiling are rough..) on six and feed the cats. Stupid, maybe, but it felt today like a new world is opening with what the girl can do, a little miracle :-).

EDT - So not a miracle.
Seems (and I so don't listen/read/see news so I only just heard this) there is a big fire up north and a bus with prison guards was on the way to help (I think to evacuate a nearby prison) and the bus got cought in the flames, and 40 people (all?) were burnt to death. Too sad.

2010-11-24T17:08:00.009+02:00

Hard for me to admit, to myself let alone blog world. But I think I have to let it out "in the open" in order to be honest with myself. I was wrong. Maybe, perhaps, possibly I could have had by now a fully breastfed girl instead of feeding her mainly on formula (though one thing good came out of it - no problem feeding her a bottle, so no problem with nanny feeding her..). I am all the time fighting it [and yes, at 5.5 months it is still a very big issue for me, can't just put it behind me and carry on like people tell me to do], all the time trying, but perhaps not hard enough. Many times I would be adamant and try again doing only/mainly my breast and then feel so terrible for letting her go hungry. It is so engraved in me that I don't have milk that though as I said I do try from time to time, many times I would just let her have the bottle, scared I'm starving her. Been to La Leche meeting the other day (and I'm sorry I hadn't gone in the first few months, might have made a difference..) and they said something about how in the early days there was a foundation to that fear of me starving her, as she really was skin and bones. But while that "danger" has long gone and my daughter is very much a healthy looking girl, I'm still over there. So once again I'm trying.. yes, by now I hardly expect to give up formula completely, but still hoping to increase breastfeeding. The growth spurt we had the other day also helped. In previous ones she mainly slept, this time no sleep but for two whole night she was non stop on my breasts. Made me realize that it's not too late, that I can still fight for it.

I mainly breast feed her at night*, also because I work, but also as I said, fear of starving her (at night I take into account that it's not a feed..). And unfortunately I kind of lost the ability to read signs of hunger (we are also having now a terrible time with EC at the moment**, but that's for another post [which I'm not planning on writing...]). That's what happens when you go by numbers, and I was so fighting that, so didn't want to know how much and when she drinks, but so hard to ignore when you bottle feed.

What's hard to admit it that maybe if only I breastfed her more, if only I pumped more.... I know I had a very difficult start, completely not how I imagined those early days of motherhood. I think it's a lot to do with the birth that went very much wrong and being in pain and not being able to do the breastfeeding and a nursing consultant whom I don't think did too good a job. But yes, those are all excuses.. The truth is I did not breastfeed nor pump enough. And yes, there were times when baby was fussy/crying and I didn't know what was bothering her and mother would say she's hungry or needs comfort and that I should try the breast and I would be so angry at her because I just fed her... If only I knew then what I've since read, how babies, in those first few weeks, can be really literally all the time on the breast. And comfort.. if you ask me today for any advice, I'd tell you to breast feed to sleep [of course if you intend to breast feed..]. I was so talked out of it, so told how I would be creating bad habits, and I'm so sorry we've only now started doing so. I do think if I breastfed her to sleep from the beginining, that our nights would look different, in a positive way. And I know I didn't do enough pumping. It hurt and with her hardly sleeping and me not being able to just let her be awake and alone (easier nowadays when she can do so much more, minimum being able to look and focus on things. Then it seemed wrong).

And there's no where in particular this post is going. As the astrick indicates, I started this post feeling very bad about realising how it was more my doing us not being able to breastfeed solo, but now a minute before solids [and though I've started vegetables tastings, I put that now on a break] I am trying once more to "push" my breast (and with the understandings I now have, I think I'm doing a better though not best*** job).

* since I started writing this post, am trying very much again to also breastfeed in the mornings and less to give her a bottle

** back to better again :-)

*** o.k this is totally unrelated but anyway.. I love it when I teach a pupil a new word and they say how they know it from such and such a game or more often they would say - so that what it means... [and sometimes they learn a word and "know" it's meaning. except.. of course 'play' means start, why, you always have to press the 'play' button when you want to start the game..]. Anyway we had today the word 'best', and so the boy says like the song 'Single Best'. Hmmmm... never heard of that song. I'm trying to break my head, maybe he means a single by the name of best? (not that I heard of such a song). But he insists, no, Single Best, you know, the song for Christmas....... (the one, later he told me, which he plays on the guitar). You do know he meant Jingle Bells.....

2010-11-23T22:28:00.004+02:00

I love my daughter very much, but being with her most of the day doing nothing special can be quiet a bore. On a side note I will mention that I am so not looking forward for Hannuka next week as not only will I not be working, but both my mum and sis #3 (and family, both my neighbours) will be away. Eight days of being solo with girl for 24 hours. Anyway, it's hard keeping an infant entertained, and while I do believe with (besides play time) having her join me in the house chores, easier said than done as I can't do much with her on the sling (try washing the dishes with a big bump on your front..).
Well the other day my sister told me about this free class they have for infants at the mall. First time (two weeks ago actually) I went and the two of us had a (somewhat as she was quite shocked) nice time. It was nice getting out and refreshed and nice meeting other mothers with thier babies, although the volumn was so high one can hardly have a conversation, and being a shy one I need a lot of warming up. Not sure if I'll go every week, but I think every other week could be something nice for us to do.

And today.. Well homeschooling is something I want to do, but you know, I have a l-o-n-g time for that. But then I happen to hear of groups that meet and decided to join one in a nearby town. Then I hear the group is for babies and kids up till the age of six! So I won't be the odd one out with a baby, and I won't be too early on the scene. I went along today, and there were quite a few mothers with babies (most first timers like me!), and I so enjoyed myslef! I thought we'd be talking home education, but we new mothers stuck mainly to sleeping and nursing and feeding etc lol. I think it's not so much discuusing issues, more a social outlet, for kids to meet others like them, for mothers to get out a bit from the usuall daily routine. Not sure what happens with the older kids, but hey, have time for that... I will most certainly go again!
So now we have our homeschooling group on Tuesdays, and on every other Thursday the music/movenment class. Life's begining to be a bit more interesting :-).

P.S
If only I could solve her ~~sleeping~~ not sleeping issues. Errrrr.....

P.S.S
Sis #3 found a picture of her daughter E. E doesn't look too much like her mother (though I think she does look like her mother when she was a little girl). My daughter also doesn't look like me. Me and sister look quiet alike. That picture? Copy my daugther! If I wouldn't have known better I'd say it's G and not E!

P.S.S.S
All those spelling mistakes - look at P.S number 1! (and I definitely not going to do anything about them now!)

Sleep

2010-11-18T21:48:00.004+02:00

Yes, another sleep post.. probably a short one because, well.. I'd like to go to sleep....

It got better, very much better although I still think there was room for improvement, and then....... it's getting bad again.
It's about ten o'clock now. It was only at nine that she finally fell asleep. Eight was my happy hour until very recently. Eight o'clock was when I knew I had my little time for myself, to have supper, a bit of computer before going to sleep (alas I'd tell myself two hours, but as a night owl I couldn't just go to bed so would stay longer), pumping. She really does not sleep during the day, I mean there is a little morning nap which I sleep with here, and another short one with the nanny. Here and there I'm doing things during the day when she's around, but it's still nice to have my free time. Anyway I think I'm digressing (and have I mentioned above before?). Last night she was fast asleep the moment I put her in bed (happens..) but then the night before she was fine until I put her in bed, at which point she started s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g. Had to call my sister for help (lucky I had someone to come help) me get her to sleep. [I think her inner clock is a 48 hour one because more than once she would be great one night and worse the next]. And tonight I tried most everything until she fell asleep (on the breast, not to my liking).

And yes, I know\understand what's behind it, and there's more than one reason - first of all she is teething. It probably disturbs her more at night when there are less distraction from the pain from the day. Then there's the cold we both suffered from (I'm more or less at the end, but she is still not too well) and we also had a growing spurt. Yes, six months is when it's supposed to happen, but she was always early on those.. but while previous ones were also a lot of sleep, this was quite the reverse - for two full nights she was sucking and sucking and sucking. All night long! After the second night we had a lovely long morning nap (two and a half hours!) and I knew that's it, but it was two most exhausting nights in a time when nights are not easy anyway..
So yes, there are reasons, but I still don't know what to do, how do we get through this rough period. I breastfed her tonight against my wishes (middle of the night I breast feed her to sleep, so do I do so for the morning nap, but going to sleep for the night I try teaching her to do it by herself, with no aid). I know once or twice it's o.k to step out of plan, especially when the little girl is really not feeling too good, but I heard enough about how when child was sick/teething etc parents did so and so and how when child was better that habit remained. I don't want to teach her now that she needs me and well a very certain part of me to go to sleep.

And of course she woke up while writing this post.. and I do still need to pump..

A girl with a necklace, vaccinations and an important question!

2010-11-12T19:41:00.007+02:00

I think Butterfly is beginning to teeth (yikes!) which would explain previous post's EDT.. Asking what can be done to help ease the pain, I was told to put an amber necklace round her neck. So I went out and bought one. Hope it works! Now doesn't she look like a big girl with her necklace :-)?

Vaccinations. I decided I'm going to give her tetanus + diphtheria without the pertussis (as for polio and the other one [can't remember now what] I have yet to decide), and that more or less will conclude her shots. Last time I asked, the nurse at the child's development told me they can't separate and give it without the pertussis, but I heard it can be done.
Anyway, not about that I wanted to talk (and I'll be going in only in about 1.5 months). We have here in Israel child benefits - a small amount the government gives parents (or is it the child through the parents, there was such a debate on one of "my" boards). Up till now, the only condition was that you were Israeli and paid the social security taxes. Now there is a law about to be approved that conditions getting the full sum on giving your kid the vaccinations. All of them, according to the official programme. Which means a lot of shots. I'm less concern about the needle part, more about the dangers (in my eyes) of these vaccinations. I won't go into it here, but I'd much rather my daughter gets most of these diseases as a child. The aim of this law is to get more people to vaccinate, but I think it completely misses. I think the vast majority of people who do not give vaccinations, do so, like me, out of ideology. I will not start giving my girl all the vaccinations to get the full benefit. It is not only a really annoying and totally unfair law, but it also feels like an invasion of my privacy - what is it to them if and what shots I give my daughter? (assuming of course I don't not go out of laziness. A parent who fails to give his/her child her/his shots with no ideology or thought behind it, indeed deserves a "penalty"). Oh well, I think I'll survive with the reduced amount..

And now a completely unrelated and as title suggested, important, question:
There is a hedgehog that comes around at night to eat on the cat food. My sister claims it is "theirs" as he came first to them and husband moved him over here and she/they named him Shmulik. Now Shmulik, an Israeli name, is a name of a hedgehog in a well known children's book. Very not original! Plus I claim it to be "my" hedgehog as he comes to my yard to eat (fact that he comes here again and again. In fact he became quite bold and didn't even flinch when I took a pic of him!), but I have no idea what to call him (yeah, am clueless whether it's a him or a her, so I'll go with a him..). Any ideas of a good name?

EC

2010-11-07T06:26:00.011+02:00

Warning.. an EC post, so it's all about peeing and pooing..

Until not so long ago I dressed Butterfly with just a shirt for bed time, covering her when she's asleep (because no way can I do that when she's not fully sleeping). But the nights now are too cold for that (yay!) so she needs her legs et al covered too. I saw some EC trousers I'd like to get her (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSDM7SQqrS0&feature=player_embedded [sorry it's in Hebrew. she's just explaining about the trousers {if I remember correctly as my speakers are disconnected}]. I'm kind of lazing around with this, so for the meantime I tried dressing her in a one piece long sleeve/trousers. I thought if I only don't button between the legs, it could work. Not really as I still need to undo more buttons when peeing, and then closing them all. properly. while Butterfly is [still] sleeping. So for now I dress her with a shirt and trousers, and she looks such a big girl :-). Problem is, unless I take them off completely, it is quite hard to aim (can't so much see the bowl), so my bed (and legs.. hmmm...) get peed on.. [which I'll tell you is mmmmmmmuuuuuccccchhhhh better then getting poo on your bare legs while feeding your little girl when you are only wearing knickers as it is so hot..]. I still think it's better than getting entangled with all those buttons [so I wash my leg/put a dry nappy on the bed]. But I really should see about those trousers..

And talking about that missed poo, I almost always miss the poos. I am much better at detecting a pee, which is the reverse to most people. This morning she looks at me like she's going to go, so I quickly go get the bowl (it is usually by the mat. this morning when she peed, I took it to empty in the toilet, but forgot to return) while asking her to wait. I come back and..... oh no! It wasn't a pee but a poo, in progress (so I semi caught it which was good as we managed to keep the mat unsoiled [usually..... urg..] and to finish of in the bowl).
And I like that we are doing EC. With all the difficulties I do believe it is better for my girl. And I'm very proud of her, of me, when she goes in the bowl, every time she does it. And you know, Friday I went with her somewhere and she was with a nappy and I came home to a dry nappy, with her peeing in the bowl as soon as I offered. The same happened this morning. And believe she knows with me we do this and with the nanny no point of even trying to hold.
And the nights.. until not so long ago she had to go about half an hour after going to sleep. Not any more. Last night she even skipped the 22:30 pee. Yes, it could be she was dehydrated. It could also be she's gaining control on her bladder and the ability to hold her pee.

P.S
I just missed our 22:30 pee. I don't remember when that last happened :-(. And here I am praising.. [even more then succeeding in the day, I love it when we do so at nights]

EDT
And then another puddle, and a big one!, at midnight. Just when I went to prepare morning's bottle. This time used to be a miss quite often as somehow I'd always be in the shower.. But we didn't have a pee (miss or success) at this time for quite sometime. But she does seem to have a blocked nose, so maybe she's coming up with something. :-((
And I've probably been dehydrating her. Trying again to cut down bottle to encourage breast milk. Nope, don't have it. Can't wait till when she's completly on solids and we don't have to do this stupid formula feeding. :-((.

Can I say that she did another pee while I wrote this EDT?? And that I'm running out of trousers??

EDT again.
May I say that this is one of the worst nights??? Only just now (5:45) did I manage to get her back to sleep, from about 3am. Hope she sleeps now for a good two or three hours.

2010-11-04T22:24:00.011+02:00

Butterfly* just peed (in a bowl of course! icon of proud mama), 22:30 as expected. Usually she goes straight back to sleep, but not this time. She was turning restlessly from side to side, and I stood for a moment wondering what to do.
As you might recall, I had a hard time getting her to sleep. Then I heard this lecture and things began to change (plus I added a dummy for the night). The point of this method is that you teach baby to fall asleep in bed, by themselves. All the things we do to get them to sleep just creats an addiction which makes it harder and harder to satisfy. So at first you sit near and touch, and then you slowly go further, until you put baby to bed and go out the door. Well I have a problem here. Two actually. First we co-sleep, both of us in one big bed, she being near the wall. When I put her to sleep, oh does she toss and turn and turn and wiggle and do some crawling forward and backwards and just doesn't sit still until she finally decides to lay her pretty little head down and fall asleep. So you can understand that I can't really leave the room.. (plus everytime the dummy falls I have to put it back in her mouth). Second is that we do EC. I expect a pee withing about half an hour of going to sleep (as she was fed before). If I am looking for signs, I can't really leave the room.
Anyway point is I am going by this method but only to a certain extent. Oh and I only do it for going to sleep. At night I breastfeed her to sleep and so in the day (or so I try. Twice I had her sleeping this morning, and twice the moment I moved her eyes were wide open and no way would she sleep, urg..). They do say you have to be presistent and do it every time she wakes up. But really, I am hardly able to breastfeed her during the day, so at least we have the nights..

So I was standing by the bed for a moment wondering if I should do this method, or else to get her to sleep. And you know, while I don't want my girl to be addicted to me and my presence for sleeping, I do not want to train my 4.5 month little girl to be independent. I think co-sleeping goes very much against that. They say tell you to teach child how to put dummy in mouth so you don't have to get up, but you know what, it is just a hand reach for me [we breastfeed, and at one point, after she's already sleeping but still ~~chewing~~ sucking on me, I switch to a dummy..]. She has a lifetime ahead of her for the independent stuff. Now let her enjoy babyhood.

* why The Girl, of course! Had a name for her while pregnant, but then had a change of heart. Was thinking thinking of a nick for her but couldn't come up with anything. Then sitting on our activity (or is it playing) mat nursing her and again thinking how to call her here, my eyes fell on the blues butterfly on the hippo's nose, and.... it was a bear and a butterfly I asked my sister to draw for me long time ago. So Butterfly she is! (except she is so not as light as a butterfly..)

2010-10-18T21:47:00.005+02:00

P.S
I am still hoping to read the words - you have no new posts on your reader. Not anytime soon.. though with girl going to sleep much much easier and earlier, I am able to spend a bit more time on the computer :-).

Dear Paige nominated me to the Versatile Blogger Award (thank-you!). I'm going to be a rules' breaker and not post the rules.. Nor will I nominate any other blogger as I saw this award pass around North and South of the blogosphere (you know, being late does that..). However, if somehow you didn't receive the award (and would like to), please see yourself nominated!

Going with the milk version on this one:

I do not like to drink plain cow's milk. Never have. As a child my mum would force me to drink a cup of milk. I remember how I'd go to this friend, and was not allowed to play with her until I drank a cup of milk. But I am a huge fan of milk products, and add something to the cup of milk and I'll drink it away.
Breast milk on the other hand.. that's yummy! (of course I tasted it!)
Baby was born with breasts and.............. yes, in her first week or two of life she also had milk. Mum didn't but girl did..
There was a time in my life where I worked in a kibbutz in the cow's shed milking the cows. We would start our day with a cup of coffee and then proceed to our daily schedule (usually while the early morning milking was still in progress). On occasion when we didn't have milk for our cup of coffee we would take our coffee to where the milking was happening, and squeeze us some nice fresh milk.
Though had I known that pumping milk can hurt, don't know if I would have worked there.
And not an unknown fact about me, just want to add that there is nothing like doing those very early milkings and seeing the sun rise over the Dead Sea!
At one point I wanted to see how my child is on the breast, i.e if she latches properly. So I asked sis #6 to breastfeed her (I also wanted to try and breastfeed her one and a half year old, but well he wouldn't..) Wanted to ask a friend whose baby is exactly two months older than my girl to try and swap, but couldn't get round to asking her. Somehow it seems dirty and unclean and not done to put a stranger baby on your breasts, and not the thing to ask! (oh, and baby latched well).
Now that I'm getting to the unspeakable, I will tell you I tasted my milk straight from the source itself. Yes, I can do that! And as I said, it is tasty. I would drink a cup full if I wasn't saving every drop for daughter. And I breastfed myself (and yes, I do mean bring mouth to nipple) to see what and how it is like, and let me tell you, not easy. Did it again the other day when the pumping machine didn't work and she didn't nurse enough during the day and I was painfully full and leaking like mad, so I tried to relieve myself.
Wasn't too successful (hard work for too little milk for my big mouth!), so when girl stirred just a little in her sleep, I shoved my breast into her mouth. and oh, what a relief!!
'boob' is a new word for me (I believe I learnt it her in Blogland, I knew the probably old 'bust'), and while I am o.k with using it, and used it while pregnant and all, now when I talk about breastfeeding, it just doesn't feel right..

So there you have it. And since I didn't post the rules, you do not know there were supposed to be only seven. ha!

Big girl

2010-10-17T16:09:00.002+02:00

Food and other stuff

2010-10-10T10:10:00.002+02:00

Well first of it's not really the 10th of October at 10:10! I am backdating because well I can. And since I didn't even realize this special date until it was gone I'm componsating now :-).
So today is actually Monday the 10th and it's just after 21:00! and I'm not all in tears and baby is asleep. Yes, you read correctly - asleep! And the winner is........... the dummy!

But food was what I wanted to write about, so lets start with food.
It is and was very important for me to breast feed Rolly Polly (see, I'm using her nick :-)) but unfortunatly, as you know, my damn body didn't produse enough milk and so I had to start her on formula. Some thing that was very difficult for me to bear. So difficult and I so don't have milk I saeted taking this pill which while helps, I still need to supplement with formula. And I really don't like giving her formula, can't wait to end it. On Saturday she turns 4 months and I'm hoping* to start her on solids with the aim of reducing and eventuallu eliminating formula (breast milk I hope to continue). And yes, it's going to take some time (not expecting her tomrrow to be formula free..).
I was debating whether to start with ceral or veggies. I do not want to give her bought ceral or to give it in a bottle. And obviously one ceral can be home made, but it sounds to me like a lot of work, so I'm going with veggies. I'm planning on starting with a carrot which I'll steam cook and then mush and give it once a day (when?) for about a week (if all goes well) and then continue to the next vegetable, and so on. And I'm kind of excited about this!

Going back to the sleep issue I had a hard time putting her to sleep, and was so frustrated. And then there was this lecture on babie's sleep I went to, and the lecturer talked about how when you do all those things I've been doing to get baby to sleep, how with time babies become immuned and need a higher level of stimuli to get to sleep and how the process gets longer. She said babies should be dependent on themselves for sleep and not on extrior factors. And she went on about how to do it - first step be near baby, touching him and picking him up when he cries and when calm putting back in bed and so on. Next step you sit further away, etc.
Well first step. To cut things short she would scream and I would go back to old methods of walking/rocking/etc and she would fight so fiercly, and I would crumble and put her on the playing mat wanting to get the hell out of here, and feeling how awful a mother I am and cry and cry and cry.

would. I do hope this narrative remains in the past tense.
So I finally bought a dummy (paccifier) and wow! It took about 45 minutes for her to fall asleep and I haven't shed not one tear! Funny how before giving birth , that was the one issue I was on the fence about. But then I gave birth and suddenly I was so much against it. About a week ago I was trying to figure why I am so much anti, as it is clear that girl loves to suck. I came to realize it was all about my boobs not working but at least able to comfort girl. I am not completly o.k with dummy (as I'm declaring it only for sleep), but it's a start..

And tonight I had a new realization. Sitting near her, watching her fight (you didn't think she went to sleep without a fight, now did you??), and it's not me she's fighting (I'm not holding her). And you know, now I see that it felt like she was fighting me. I know she wasn't, she was not kicking me, but it sure felt so. So dummy to the rescue :-).

P.S
Long post so I'll end here. And yes, should have probaly been called Sleep and pther stuff.

P.P.S
Thanks Dora fopr advice on bath. Tried it, but didn't really help.

P.P.P.S
I am soooo slow on my blog reading. Sorry guys!

* I still need to buy her a spoon plus a net (or whatever it's called) to steam the food)

sleep

2010-10-03T12:21:00.003+02:00

Not mine, hers. She is so active and alert, always wants to see and learn about the world around her, and I so love that about her. Curious like her mother :-). But the downside is her not liking to go to sleep. Oh, how she struggles not to go to sleep! Tired and all, she still fights it, like sleep is her enemy (I try and explain to her that sleep is actually one of mums best friends..).

During the day she hardly sleeps (asleep now :-)), but oh the nights.. Well not exactly the nights because she usually (and stressing the 'usually' as last night was an unusuall bad night [probably why she's sleeping now..]) sleeps quite well at night. Ususally she wakes sometime between 3:00 and 5:00, when I nurse her on one side and she goes back to sleep. Then, maybe an hour later again she wakes, so I nurse her on the other side. Third time, if it's still early I try again and nurse her. Sometimes it works, but if not then a bottle and a look at the clock (she usually is down withen two hours later for a morning [and sometimes only] nap). This is from when I discovered I can nurse in bed. Before that, it would be getting out of bed, somtimes trying to nurse, sometimes a bottle, but once we're out of bed, it would take about two hours to get her back to sleep (as opposed to about 20 minutes when nursing in bed, plus I sometimes manage to doze while she sucks).

So it not so much the nights themseleves, but the getting there. As mentioned above, she fights going to sleep. She has a bath at about 21:00, then a bottle of pumped milk and then rocking her and singing to her and walking with her and being nervous at her [which how can your heart not melt when she smiles back at you??] and walking and swinging and singing and rocking and and and.. It will take about an hour and a half (on a good day), two to get her to sleep. 22:30, 23:00 is when she'll finally sleep. But then.. she'll wake every few minutes for another hour or so. These awaknings are easy to handle, as she goes back to sleep quickly, but oh.. getting her down for the night...
Sometimes I'm at wits' end how to get her to sleep because nothing seems to work*. But the only thing that I know will get her to sleep is time. Come eleven o'clock she should be at some stage of sleeping. It is so much easier when you know that you just have to let time pass (though not so easy when holding a ,clearly, very tired baby but who nevertheless fights you!).

I'd love to hear from you mothers how [guess who just woke and who is now typing with two fingers..] you get your little ones to sleep for the night (I don't even try getting her to sleep during the day. If it happens it happens..]. and how you got them to sleep when they were about three months old.

*I do not nurse her to sleep as she will wake the moment I pick her up. I was warned how I shouldn't nurse her to sleep as that will form bad habbits etc. No one ever mentioned I won't be able to do so...
[different when she awakes in the middle of the night, as my breasts then are more a dummy (pacifier) than a milk factory..]

before & after

2010-09-28T17:28:00.004+02:00

Well first, I have a ROLLER! (o.k "half" a roller as only from tummy to back..). Three! weeks ago she accidently rolled for the first time and I was so happy [first step in gaining physical independence!], but since then - nothing. And then today, she rolled and rolled and rolled, and more importantly, she got it! no accidentaly rolling :-)).

She is three months old, i.e I am three months now in the role of a mother. Three months, only three months. Not a huge amount of time. And yet if you ask me, it seems like forever, like I am her mother now for two million and three years. And if you ask me about my life prior to having her, I honestly can't remember, it just seems so vague, to far away in the past.
Yes, becoming a mother is a h-u-g-e change in one's life, add to it not being an easy job, espcially not when done alone (and I have a lot of help from family, especially my mother, but it is not the same as parenting together with someone else). It just seems strange how such a short period has stretched out so much.

A friend who saw me the other day for the first time since G [I really need a nick for her. I think for now I'll call her Rolly Polly] came into my life, said I looked much happier, that when she saw me pregnant I seemed to her as usual but now I'm radiant. My first thought was what are you talking about!? It is hard work, hardly no minute to rest, it can't be I look happier. But you know what, yes, with all the difficulties [how frustrating can it be to get her to sleep..] I am a happier person. I wanted her ever so much and I craved for her and longed for her, but I also could not have imagined her. She is completly unlike what I thought my child would be, for good and for bad. It is weird that once I had no notion of who or what Rolly Polly is, I mean even when I was pregnant.

And just something I want to write about before I forget it.
All through pregnancy, I had this strong feeling like this little girl that's growing in me is not a new soul, but rather a very very old soul [I do believe that before birth my soul and her soul "agreed" that we'll be mother and daughter, same as any connection between two people is/was determined]. This feeling stayed with me through the first weeks of her life, slowly fading. I do believe that she came into the world as a wise old soul, with knowledge that exceeds our knowledge, but in this helpless little body. Maybe as a means of protecting the inocent little body from the cruelty of life as a new baby. As time goes by, this soul slowly retreats, letting the new body live it's life. At about six weeks I felt this soul [well not sure if soul is the right word] has gone, leaving my baby a clean slate, ready to begin her life on planet Earth as a human baby.

forgive me girl

2010-09-16T23:01:00.003+02:00

Please forgive me girl for all the wrongs I did to you, am doing to you and will do to you.

Forgive me for being seperated from you right after birth. Forgive me for not being able to nurish you by myself and needing to supplement you with formula. Forgive me for forgetting every single night to take the bottle of my pumped milk out of the fridge in advance so that when we're finished with the bath, you'll have a nice warm bottle of my milk waiting for you (instead you have to wait while I heat it up..). Forgive me for prefering at times not to breastfeed you so that pumping will yield a nice number.. [twisted, I know].

Forgive me girl for taking you to pee when clearly you do not have to go, and forgive me for not taking you to pee when, for heaven sake! you need need need to go, oh, damn..... [but all those times we do get it right.. I marvel every time !].

Forgive me for leaving you with a nanny, and for letting her take care of you even when I'm home [and thank you guys for your comments on my last post!].

Forgive me girl for needing to distance myself from you to know how much I love you. To see the nanny, on my way home, with you, my little girl, in that pram*, and my heart just fills with joy. To come home and pick you up, and feel the softness and tenderness only a mother can have for her child, and remember all those mothers in books I read as a child, the little boy who finds comfort in his mother's shoulders , and her hair [oh, and forgive me girl if you inherited my very thick hair..], and now I am her. So forgive me girl for taking my time in being her, and as I said at the beginning of the paragraph for needing to not see you in order to see you.

And thank you for being such an amazing little girl! So active and full of life, and so so alert! And not a crier. Funny how you can be discomfort, and wiggling in my arms for over an hour, and I try this and that to calm you down, but at the end of the evening dad will note on what a great girl I have who doesn't cry at all.... And I will stop here because I probably could go on and on about you, my wonderful little girl.

* A funny story with my nephew's nanny - I was once walking home when this woman I knew (from teaching English, though she was not in my group) stopped me for a little chat. I talked to her not really paying attention to the pram or the baby inside, so it took me a few minutes to realise that's my nephew! [will just add that she was new on the job]. Oh, and suddenly when it darned to her I'm the baby's aunt, she soothed the crying infant..

Please don't tell me I'm a bad mother.

2010-09-14T16:56:00.003+02:00

Don't have too many pupils this year, but when I hired the nanny I had to offer a certain amount of hours (couldn't say wait and see how I work and only then I'll know..). So some days I pay for a nanny while I'm actually home.
Today is such a day where I have an hour and a half just for myself. So instead of going to my place and saying hello to my girl, I went to my mum's place and made myself something to eat (I ususally hardly have time to eat), read some blogs (almost finished August! [Should also get updated on the forums..]) and (going to) pump. Oh, and rest would be nice but, but well that won't happen today.. While all these are important and great that I have (paid) time for such, kind of feels bad I don't go to say hello to my daughter. I don't want her to see me and to get confused and want to be with me etc, I also don't want nanny to start chatting with me on my free time (thus not letting me do any of the above).
O.K, the clock's ticking. Have an hour. Back to my meal..

circles

2010-09-07T11:42:00.006+03:00

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Today 5 years ago I had to put my dog Sky to sleep. She was the most amazing wonderful dog that ever was. I do want one day to be a dog owner again, but I know that no dog will ever compare with her. But as long as I had her, I couldn't, and well didn't, pursue motherhood. Even if being a mother is something I've dreamt and wanted all my life. Somehow when I was "mothering" Sky, it never seemed possible I could be a mother to a human baby, so I never even thought seriously about trying. But then she died, and though it took me about two years to get started, I suddenly was free to believe I can :-).

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Today one year ago a tiny little sperm met a not so tiny egg. They met on this petri dish and knew they were meant for each other! Yes, one year ago my little girl was created :-). Amazing how this very small embryo grew and grew and grew into this most wonderful little girl (who is still growing and growing and growing!)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Tomorrow night we celbrate the beginning of the new Jewish year. One of the customs is eating a round halah bread. Round as to symble the roundness of the year, how just like a circle the different seasons come and go.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

I mentioned before how my daughter was born on the exact same date as her great grandfather. Well on Friday we had a party for her. I wanted to have it in August but it didn't work out (besides, it would have been much too hot!), and playing around with the dates, last Fri was the best option. Well Friday happen to also be her greatgrandfather's (the one whoi shares her birth date) yartzhiet (=the "anniversary" of his death, and a 50 year one). I find it interesting how important dates in her life have other meaning too. Just shows how circular it all is.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Shanah Tova to all you who are celebrating the new year !!

leaving my kid with a stranger

2010-09-01T17:06:00.004+03:00

So today's our first day. Didn't work today so nanny can be just two hours with her (same tomorrow) so girl can slowly get used to her.

I think mummy needs more getting used to leaving girl with a complete stranger. I went to my sister's (neighbour) and came back to see the nanny sitting on the sofa and baby on a mat on the floor, and well nanny was fiddling with her phone. Now I can understand sitting on the sofa (though I can tell you that I would [and had] sit on the floor/mat, being at the same level as the kid). But the phone?
And yes, I might have just walked into a situation [like maybe she was texing her son, a 10 year old], and I shouldn't expect anyone (including myself!) to be 100 percent all the time fussing around the girl, and I do believe [hope!] I have made the right choice choosing her, and probably it is just not easy "giving" her to an unknown person, but I just felt like screaming - leave my girl alone! get the hell out of here and never come back!

Oh and not so related - I sometimes feel this randomness, how any other child could have been born to me, but random made this certain girl be the one. And it was No Yolk's update (and what a wonderful update!!) that got me thinking about all these bloggworld babies and how I could have been a mother to any one of them and how different that would have been. Then I tried thinking the reverse, that is, my child could have had any of you bloggers as a mother, and I was - no way! she is mine! lol.

1st of September

2010-08-29T21:36:00.002+03:00

can't come sooner enough! Already the weather is begining to be somewhat cooler, or should I say, less hotter. And well, as school starts here on the first, I'll be going back to work!
While my nanny will be coming on Wed, I won't actually start working on Wed (Sun is when I'll really start) so I'll have her for a couple of hours to get aquainted with the girl. Hope it all goes well :-)
I so need this break from taking care of the girl 24/7. I care about her and all but it is very tiring and exhausting taking care of her all day long, so having a few hours every day where she'll be under the charge of someone else, kind of a relief. Because this taking care of a baby is really hard work. Probably not making it easier the fact that she hardly sleeps during the day, or the fact that I find it hard letting her have alone time (I am learning more and more to do so as it is important to her and me) or the fact that we're doing EC (stopping a feed because she's signiling; taking the nappy off; going to the potty; putting nappy back on; returning to feed....). Since just before birth, I have lost about 10 kilos. During pregnany I have gained 6 kilos (if I remember correctly). That is I weigh now less than before I got pregnant. While I'm kind as I was a bit overweight, I know it's not good (and honestly I am not trying to lose weight). It's just this parenting stuff and not so much time to eat.. Anyway, I hope now things will get a little easier.

P.S
Over 100 posts in my reader and the numbers just keep going up. I try and read a few posts every day but finding it a hard time catching up (oh, and while I do read I comment much less, sorry). So sorry I'm a bad blogger lately. Though I do try and scan my reader to get an update. Paige glad to hear the bleedind has lessened. Hope everything turns out o.k! And Shannon.. congratulations!!

Every pot has a cover!

2010-08-24T12:31:00.004+03:00

First thank you so much for your comments on my last post. It was especially good to hear from those of you who have older babies (which now seems like a million years difference to me..) telling me it will get better!

Second, on the other side to that post, let me tell you how I love looking at my daughter in the morning. With the early morning sun shining she is just so beautiful, and then she gives me a smile, and well, there is nothing prettier than her smile in the early morning (even if I am so not a morning type, and the thought of another long and hot day..).

A dry night! Last night we had a dry night :-). That is twice we peed in a bowl. The previous night I was so tired, I only woke up after she peed, which means changing around the nappy that is spread on the bed so she is not on any wet. So that was quite a bad night regarding EC. Most nights are a bit better, but there is always a miss (it's usually more than two times that she pees*). Last night was the first time I didn't have to touch the nappies underneath!
Nights are actually a bit tricky. If I misinterpret her moving around and take her when she doesn't have to go, it will wake her up, taking about two hours to put her back to sleep again. So first I have to decide if she's moving around because she needs to go or else. And then I have to gently hold her over the bowl (a bit different from when awake) while she's half asleep and whisper to her that I think she needs to pee and pshhh pshhh pshhh (our cue).

And now to the pot.. I had to find someone to look after my girl while I work as I work in the afternoon and day-cares are from the morning, but I knew I'd have a hard time because of the hours. Did get some women interested (women.. there was one guy who phoned about my ad and my first reaction was - oh my, I think I'd rather have a woman taking care of my daughter.. but then I was thinking I should be open and maybe he will be great with her. Turned out he was phoning on behalf of his mother..).
I was mixed emotions about the first woman who came. She seemed o.k, so was it just her being o.k and not more, or was it the realization that I am to leave my most precious with a total stranger? Well, thinking about it, I didn't like how she was snoopy (like came a bit earlier [and that was after confirming the time about an hour earlier!] and went round to the back door claiming I didn't hear her [no way, as where I was sitting is right near the front door and from there I heard her at the back door..]). Don't like the idea of someone who will go through my things, so she was out.
There were a few more, but then there was this woman who the moment she came in, there was just a good vibe about her. First she's local which is good because no problems with buses traffic etc. She came with her husband (to help find our place), and it was actually nice. Thinking now, maybe it gave a family feeling, like she's not this strange woman who'll take care of my child, but a person of family. She was very cheerful and lively which is very nice! I also liked that she didn't ask to hold the baby, didn't try and put on a show for me. And as I said, in general a good vibe. I had scheduled interviews with a few women after her, and at first thought I'd wait and see those others, but sleeping on it last night, I decided to take her.
When asking her about the hours and if she doesn't mind it not being a full time. She said she has another job in the mornings and was looking for something in the afternoons. For me that is really great as most likely she won't be looking for something else (as one of the women I interviewed was stupid enough to admit..). I am thrilled school is about to start and scared too regarding the first day..

* After writing the above I read today that EC during the day reduces amount of peeing at night and well.. it's now after midnight, and while she is usually wet twice by now, she is still dry!

exhausted

2010-08-19T23:43:00.003+03:00

I am so tired and exhausted. It's not as difficult now as the first few weeks were, but still very exhausting with hardly any time for self (writing this post.. should be sleeping now), but I think that probably that's why I am so out of emotions and just wanting to get to better times. Back then, as in the first two or three weeks, I really couldn't see beyond where I was. But now that it is somewhat easier, I can look into the future, and feel despair things won't get much easier anytime soon (and when they will, she'll probably start teething. yeah, not waiting for that). Maybe now it's more an emotional exhaustion whereas back then it was very much physical. And the horrible hot humid weather and my inability to go anywhere with her (outside the house, that is. unless with my mother which would be for the girl's checkup etc [oh, can I put aside my gloomy mood and tell you how she is now in the 75th percentile for weight? Up from the 10th and then 33rd percentile! As she is very long (92nd percentile. beats me how short me has such a long daughter..) she is still quite thin, but 75th percentile!]. Where was I.. I was planning on using the cloth slings I have for going out with her and for just moving around the house with her, but that is quite impossible in this weather. Plus when I did try and use them, I didn't manage to put her correctly as she kept sliding down. I have an older kid's sling, one where the child is supposed to be able to sit to use it. I'll wait till she's 3 months old and use it very occasionally at first, because I really need to "get some air" from time to time.
So it is very very hot and humid, I am stuck home most days, and I have the girl that sleeps very little during the day. [of course she is always sleeping when other people come..] (and I just had another day [or rather night] of vomiting from the pill I take to help increase my milk flow*, which probably isn't contributing to my mood).
Somebody posted on a forum a pic of her one month old baby, saying how so full of love she is to her son, how she didn't know such feeling could exist. And I.. while I care very much about my little girl, and want and try to do what's best (in my opinion) for her, I don't think it is love I feel for her. Yes, I think she is amazing and terrific and clever [she already knows that pshhh pshhhh pshhhh means you can pee now. and yes, there are misses, but I am so delighted every time she does it in the bowl] and she's doing things like laughing! and picking her head up nicely. But do I love her? I don't think so. At least not like that person talked about her love to her son. Maybe it is because I am so tired, maybe because I still can not believe she is my daughter. Impossible! Maybe because she doesn't look at all like me. Funny, I always thought that doesn't matter when other SMCs talked about how the chose a donor who resembles them so the child will look more or less like his/her mother. And then I had the daughter who does not look like me, and it kind of bothers me.

And I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So I'll add a rant about how annoying it is people telling me not to do this or that because I'll be sorry later on. Basically two things to do with going to sleep - breastfeeding and her lying on me. She always doses off when on my breast, so I do get her to sleep with the breast. Especially at night (actually breastfeeding lying down in bed is something I've mastered recently), it is so much easier (don't have to get out of bed, prepare a bottle, etc). So later on I'll have a hard time because she won't be able to sleep without the breast? Not really sure how I'm supposed to get her to sleep otherwise (I mean breast or bottle). And the lying on me.. they tend to think that is how I put her to sleep, but no way will she sleep on me if she's awake. No, I lay down with her on me only once she is somewhat asleep. That is the highlight of my day, I so enjoy these moments. So maybe in the future I'll have a big and heavy kid I won't want to do this anymore (though I really can't imagine not wanting daughter to lay her cute head on her mama..), or a time when I won't want to feed her to sleep. I think I'll find how to deal with it when the time comes. Right now these are little things I enjoy. I call these second child advice. Let me do these "mistakes" with my first child. Second child? I'll be wiser and smarter.

*ironically it is a pill for people who suffer from nausea and/or vomiting. It is supposed to stop you from vomiting, not cause you to do so! So I take it, then stop for a few days and my milk goes way down (and yes, I do pump). Probably realising that I'll might have to say goodbye to breastfeeding much sooner (much much sooner) than I intended is also not adding to my mood. A lost battle :-(.

EC Day & Night

2010-08-13T15:55:00.006+03:00

Today actually was a good day with nine out of nine hits in a span of 4 hours! Yesterday.. a different story. She peed on me and peed on me and peed on me. They talk about special clothes for EC for the kids. How about for the parents? But even yesterday we had some hits.

Up till recentally, EC wasn't going too well, mainly due to the nappies. For daytime I was planning on using the prefolds I have, but after a wash or two, they wouldn't hold the snappy (=instead of a safety pin) so I used mainly tetra (my mum calls it muslin) cloth, and on top of that a rubber panty. With this, taking it all off for a pee was quite a procedure, especially when I am learning [and hot and bothered and my boobs hurt] and didn't work out too well. So I bought some flannel nappies with velcro for easy opening and closing and a couple of normal covers to aid me. And those covers... soooo much easier and better with them! Better for her too, as it is a breathing material. They also look much nicer :-). And well, once I got the confidence of nappy on/off a quick and easy thing, I let go, let her be hours without anything on.
Another thing that helped a lot was writing down a log of when/what she did and what signs/signals there might have been. Once I started writing down (after getting some tips from EC sites as to typical signs), I really began the learning. Writing, beyond showing me paterns, helps by actually making me process what happened.
And I think she is doing some learning too. At first she was very fussy when I put her over the bowl, cried a lot and wouldn't go. Now she sometimes cries, but will release. Sometime it is putting her on (she signaled) and taking her off (she is crying. maybe something else bugged her) and putting her on again and off until she finally goes. But then the thrill when she does go with no fuss..
What we now both need to learn, is how to not miss the bowl. lol. I hold her in the air over the bowl, and well.. probably if she were a boy we would have better aim.. [but I wouldn't change her for the world!]

So day time EC is looking good. Of course tomorrow will be a day of misses... but seriously, there will be good days and bad days, but I am feeling much more confident about it.
The nights though are harder. At nights I have Kushies nappies for her (which I thought were pockets, but was told that not. don' know what/if kind of nappies they are). As I thought I'd wait till we're o.k in the day, but didn't want her to start peeing while asleep [at first babies do not pee in their sleep but have brief awakings when they do so. later on, with nappies, they loose this ability and do pee while sleeping], I wanted to keep something going, so tried at least changing her nappy. To make it easier, I just put a prefold in the Kushies and only changed that. But then I realised I really need to do it properly. First two nights of trying - very bad! I tried putting her on the bowl, she didn't need but woke up. And once she's up... at least two hours it took me to put her back to sleep again (oh, and no more eight hours... [and I don't mind jinxing that!]). So now I have her sleeping with just a top (or an onsie not closed) with the aim of putting her on the bowl if she stirs [besides a protective sheet I have underneath the sheet, I put some of the cloth nappies, so if/when she wets I just rearrange them to a dry area]. Problem is I sleep quite deeply. I wake up once she's already gone.. Problem number two is getting her to pee in the bowl. This morning we finally had success with it. Hope we'll learn to tackle nights too!

P.S
Very very slow on my readhing. And while I do read, I comment much less. Hopefully one day soon she will be sleeping more during the day and I'll have more time..

ETA (18:20)
has that day come? she slept for 2.5 hours and only woke because Ijust had to take her to pee (she was stirring). The last few days she went down at about 19:00 and I had to wake her at about 21:30 (only to start putting her to sleep again, a process that as mentioned above, could take 2 hours or more) because I didn't want it to be for the night. but could it be that she is now taking longer naps during the day?

P.P.S
except for sis#6 [who introduced me to this but didn't follow through. the disadvantage of raising kids with someone else..], I avoided telling people I plan to do EC, even after I gave birth. Was sure I'd get negative responds etc. Well, while they will not hold her without a nappy (because babies just pee and pee and pee [o.k so she can pee five minutes after she just went]), they seem interested and happy when she pees in a bowl :-). [luckily they are not around for the misses. lol]

ZZZZZ......

2010-08-03T07:57:00.006+03:00

I slept 8 hours last night!

Didn't wake when mummy moved me to bed or when she changed my nappy (though she did that only once because later, even though she woke up, she was scared of waking me...) or even at around 4 a.m when I usually wake up!

[mummy hopes this is not just a one night thing..]

A Smile & a Tear

2010-07-31T17:16:00.009+03:00

I'll start with the big smile I had on my face when I saw a parcel from Paige, and oh my! What a beautiful quilt! Handmade by her mother!
My daughter is so lucky to have such bloggy friends!

And now the tear. Not mine, my little girl's. Her first! and caught on camera. Well not exactly..

Noticing the tear I asked sister #5 to capture it. Seeing how she was not as close as I would have liked, I mentioned so to her, but she just said yeah, it's o.k. Hmmm... not really. These are the ones she took. While I think they are good pictures and I do like them, they are not of my girl's first tear :-(.

So I grabed my camera and tried doing it myself (I was feeding her at the time), but alas, the tear has more or less dried out. Maybe I'll be successful with tear number two..

And just because the previous day she failed holding her head up at her 6 week development check-up (but passed with flying colours smiling and following with eyes!) :

Elimination Communication

2010-07-27T21:45:00.003+03:00

One of the things I talked about before giving birth is doing elimination communication, also known as - nappies (diapers) free. The goal here is not to toilet train at such a young age (though would add that as we're using cloth nappies, the simplest where every pee is noticed, I am quite sure that toilet training will be much earlier than most kids with disposable nappies), but mainly as a way of being tuned in to her and her needs. Also, I think it's probably much nicer to be able to not sit in your pee/poo.
While I did make a vague attempt some time ago, I didn't try too seriously as I was "battling" breastfeeding and just didn't have it in me to also have this going, and thought of picking up on it once I reslove breastfeeding. But a few days ago I realized that time passing isn't in our favour, and that I should start regardless of breastfeeding. So I began..

Stage one of this process involves me learning her signs. I am proud for picking up quite quickly that hand in mouth means I am hungry, but the sign for pee/poo? Much harder. So I have her with only an outfit on, open at the bottom without a nappy so I can see, and then I totally missed - oh my, she's peeing.. what did she do before that??
At least when she poos, even if I don't yet know the sign for it, I do know (more or less..) when she's going and can put her on the potty (or in our case a bowl which I hold her above as obviously she is too small to sit..). Today actually I managed to catch it right at the beginning and to dash to the bowl so nothing except the bowl and her tush where to be cleaned. But that really was more luck than anything..
So my learning process is continuing. Yesterday I thought I'd never figure out her signs, and today I'm feeling much more confident. I think I've picked up a sign for pee, maybe not, but if I carry on observing for sure I will.

And then there is holding her over the bowl. First time, when making a run when she was in the middle of peeing, I kind of scared her. Oops, didn't mean to girl, and not good as she stopped her pee and just wouldn't continue. So I need to do it quickly but gently. So I don't always take her to the bowl. After all, right now I am trying to learn the signs she gives when she needs to go. Later, once I've learnt those signs, I'll want to take her to the bowl once I recognize such a sign. But when I do.. at night I put a pocket nappy on her so it would be easy to undo when she needs to go (hmm... if I wake up! Night time was/is very important for me to do this EC, but I'm usually too tired, so even if I wake and see she's awake too, we just go back to sleep [when she's probably awake because she's just gone or is going..]) but as I don't have many of those, during the day I use a cloth nappy closed with a snappy (a kind of fastener) and a cover over it. Not so easy to quickly take it all off (and in a calm way too..).
And how do I hold her over the bowl... she doesn't seem to like it too much, so I tried (as we were in the middle of a feed) to calm her with a bottle. That is one hand holding a bottle, the other a leg with body against me and other leg kind of free in the air. Not too comfortable (though it did calm her). And I wanted to be also doing baby sign language! (and am happy to have a sign for poo and one for milk. I think two is enough for a start). so I have to figure out how to do it in a way that won't scare her but that will hold her efficiently over the bowl.
A lot of learning, but at least I am happy to have started with it.

The Birth Story

2010-07-26T14:53:00.001+03:00

[warning: a very l-o-n-g post ahead]

So.. It's taken me quite some time, but here's how it went:

17:00 (Mon, 14.6) - I take those two spoons of castor oil. And oh my! I knew it would be disgusting, but didn't expect it to be that horrible.
Only after talking to my doula at about 21:00, telling her how it didn't at all affect me, did I have some diahrea (sorry if TMI). But only two stops at the toilet, nothing really too serious.

10:19 (Tuesday, 15.6) - Finally after completing a very long interview with the reception nurse, I am admitted to the hospital. We (my mother and I. And yes, it was my mother in the end who came with me, and she was [and still is!] so amazing!!) decide on having the induction. It really wasn't an easy decision, but after reading your comments and talking to sister, and as the oil didn't really work, it was decided it was the best thing to do.

14:00 - I am given half a pill to swallow, and told to come back later to be monitered and to see how to proceed. Me and mum wait outside. In hindsight I probably was having construction but wasn't really aware of them. Anyway at 17:30 when I come back to the moniter, we see that I'm having one about every 5,6 minutes. At this stage, I think there were bearable, getting more and more difficult but managable. As we understood that I'll be taking another pill, we decide to wait with it till the morning, so mother goes home for the night. I was hoping that if I can manage overcoming first contructions and falling asleep, that I'll be able to have some sleep (and mind you, it might have been quite an idle day with a lot of waiting for this and that and nothing much done, but it was a very long and tiring day!).

22:30 - mum leaves and I am left alone. The contruction now are really beginning to be difficult. Sleeping is impossible!

23:00 -(well actually a bit before..) In the middle of a painful contruction, I feel some wet in my knickers, and think - yay, that's the mucous plug, but can't see blood in the toilet. I think it's just discharge so don't do much about it. Happens again with next contruction and I realize it must be my water that's breaking! I go to the nurse to infprm and to ask what to do. Well tough lucj for me that at eleven there is a shift change! The conversation was - me: I think my water just broke; nurse: o.k, do you have a pad; me: no; nurse: so go put a pad and we'll be with you soon. URG! And might I add that I was in agony and pain! Luckly there were some pads left in "my" locker" I suppose by previous "tenant", but still.. Anyway the water kept "breaking" with these really terrible contructions. Probably being alone there didn't help, and I just couldn't anymore, so I called my mum (and asked her to call my doula). About half an hour later she arrives. In the mean time the doctor checks the opening. And oh god! Lying on the back in the mid of a construction, that was so so painful. And the water that kept breaking. An opening of four and slight mecunioum in the water. And if I didn't say it before.... these cotrucions were very very painful (and I am quite pain tolerent, could take pain without much compaining), and I was already in the dispair stage, the stage of oh my what have I done, a stage that usually appears at an opening of 8,9 and at least you do know then you are near the end. But at 4?? I just didn't know how I'll take it anymore. Anyway, as it's an opening of 4, they send me to the delivery room.

00:15 - just after I get to the delivery room my doula arrives. Pains are getting worse and worse and are now totally unberable. She tries to help me, massages me (couldn't bear that! not something I knew beforehand..). She then helps me in the shower, which was somewhat helpful, but still the pains... All this time I was saying no to epidural (to the dr, to me, etc). I was determined that I can still do it, but it was really getting worse and worse. In the shower I reallise that I can't anymore, so I say yes..

I say yes thinking that right there and then I'll get relief. HA! They start an infusion and now I wait. And wait. And wait. I am really going crazy (saying how next birth will be a c-secion. To which the doula said that at least I'm thinking of a next birth..). Seems I have to wait for the infusion, and it is dropping so so slowly, I'm thinking how I'll never get that epidural!

2:40 - Finally they decide it's time, but kick out mother and doula. I am quite upset about that, I really would like some one with me. But! Amazing woman number one! there are these volunter women in the hospital who act like doula's and one of them comes to be with me (they are allowed in..). The dr himself was nice and explained everything, but he spoke softly and with an accent I had difficulty understanding, not to mention I was with my back to him (and I don't hear too well), so I really had a hard time figuring out what he was saying, so I kept asking this woman, who was kindly holding my hands and positioning me correctly what he was doing. The funny thing was that I was whispereing, mainly because I was too weak to talk, so she whispered back.. Iwas amazed at how quick and well the epidural worked! Suddenly I was o.k. But unfortuanatly they do not have walking epidural, so it meant I was confinded to lying on back or side with the monitre (oh, did I not mention before how painful the moniter was.. that piece of material strapped to me.. couldn't bear the doula touching me or the monitor, at least now it was o.k). At some time the dr informs me that I have an opening of 8/9, maybe around four or five am, and we were trying to guess when will it happen..

But I'm not really progressing. At some point they shove a catheter into me as I can't pee and as a full bladde blocks baby from processing down the cannel tube. Even with the epidural, that is a very not pleasant senstaion (and well... the aftermath is so much worse! but will come to that later).

7:00 - Shift change brings amazing woman number two, the midwife. She comes and nicely introduces herself [I do understand it was a very intense night with a higher than usuall women delivering, and the previous midwife was o.k, but still..). She explains how to help baby come down I should go - shhhhhhh.... while having a contruction (still felt them, but so much not as painful as before!).

8:15 - Opening of 9 but head is only in position -2. Not sure if they said something now about the machonium. Not looking good! Midwife sugests I help baby down by "standing" on six [which, btw, was how I had been imagining giving birth]. Since I can't get out of bed, I turn myself around [hardly, as my right leg is almost completly numb, my left leg much better], standing on my knees and leaning against the bed's headboard which was put upright. Oh, so much better! Now I really can't feel those contructions! Annoyingly the monitor keeps on "playing tricks" and the one that checks baby's heart rate keeps zeroing out. In addition problems with the IV drip (later I am told that it was not put in properly..).

Anyway, now I wiggle around trying to help baby bring her head down into position like she should (and like what I probably would have been doing haven't I been confined to the bed.

Just before 10:00 (I think) - I am happy to hear I am fully dilated. Head is now in position 0, and I feel we're making progress, but doctors think otherwise. I have mechonium in the water and apparently head has not progressed enough. Also taken into account is that my water broke almost twelve hours ago. They now tell me I have to have a suction, and I am - no way! I am not having anymore interference. So they "threaten" me that either a suction or a c-section, and I completly lose it. I mean, come off it! I am progressing. Give me a little more time.. Oh, and now I was just with sister #1 who came shortly before, as they kicked everyone out for this checkup and allowed only one person to stay. Don't remember what exactly she said, but the midwife, amazing woman number two talks to me and soothes me, telling me how I got so far and how I shouldn't ruin evrything just because my dream birth is falling apart, and how the end result, a healthy baby, is what's important. So I say yes to the suction, and they kick everyone out (in the meantime mother and doula came in to encourage me). I was - please let one person stay with me, I really can't go through this alone, but they were quite nasty and wouldn't let anyone. Now besides being totally upset that this is how things go, I was also very much scared. I so needed someone to hold my hand (besides amazing midwife who was more busy helping the doctors and so couldn't really be with me, in came another midwife, a young nice woman, and she did hold my hand and all, but she is a stranger, and a squeeze from a family member [doula] is so much more comforting..

So now the suction is in and I am to push when I'm having a contruction. Except I have no idea when that is, so I am told when to push. And my birth plan specifically stated I am to push only when I feel the need to push. I guess I missed out on all that, on respondening to my body, on listening to my body, on pushing because I need to and not because I was told. And about half an hour later..

10:27 - Baby is born! They put her on me before they clean her up (thank god for that!) and she looks so tiny to me! That little bundel is my daughter! Tears just come pouring down my cheeks.
Funny how the drs asked for the time, and my doula shouted the time from outside.. She later said they were listening so hard to hear what's happening..

Of course against my wishes the cord was cut right away (not that at that point I felt I had any say in the matter, or even remembered what I wanted..). At least they put her on me first thing before wiping her. Then they took her and wiped her (and checked her?) and put her back on me and I tried to breastfeed her, but besides not really knowing how, it was not a calm and relaxing atmosphere, more one of procedures that had to be done. After the placenta "came out" (hmmm... by pressing on my belly. At least it got a perfect score :-)) they stiched me and stiched and stiched and stiched. I think after the contactions it was the next worse part. Oh, and all the while I was sure the suction instrument (which to my imagination was like, size and all, a toilet plunger) was still inside me, and please can you take it out! Anyway stiches.. didn't want to know how many.
At long last that ended, and now my mother went with baby to the ward and I was moved into the recovery room. First let me say a word about amazing woman number three, my mother. Turns out (as I thought) they had no problems with my requests/demands regarding procedures with the baby (at least that they didn't take away from me!), though my mother was more than ready to fight for me/my baby.. More so (much more so), she stayed with my baby the whole time and wouldn't leave her alone, even thought she is not young (and she just spent the whole night with me, only a simple chair for her to relax on) and there wasn't anywhere for her to sit and she was told by the stuff that it's o.k, she can go. Oh no! not this child's grandmother. She was with her the whole time. And in this video (which makes me cry watching it, will come back to that soon..) you can see how the cradle is being rocked. My mother was there with my baby, rocking her. Melts my heart.

In the meantime I was in the "recovery" room. Don't really know why I was shoved into this room with no button to call a nurse, when I have just given birth and all I really wanted and needed was to be with my little girl. That crying at the video I mentioned.. well her lying there quietly, pushing (or trying to) her fingers into her mouth - clearly she wanted her mother, wanted the warmth and the familiarity of the body that carried her for 9 months, wanted to be breastfed. Surly the last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by all those screaming babies [hey.. notice how she is so quiet among all the crying and screaming!]. At the same time I wanted nothing more than to be with her.

O.K so I'm in the recovery room. Doula spent some time with me until she had to go (there really was no need for her to stay just to entertain me..).Not sure if then it was sister#1 who came (seems she tried going with baby too, but they wouldn't let her in the nursery so she stood outside looking until she was kicked outside the ward [wasn't visiting hours]), or the saniter who came, saw the IV [yeah, forgot to mention how I had a tempreture in the delivery room and how for the first time in 40 years I was given antibiotics.. Poor daughter also had to have antibiotics by IV because of me] and went asking about it [to tkae me up to the ward with it?]. Only I was somehow forgotten.

Finally! (I think at around 14:00) I was taken up to the ward. Not so sure if I need to pee or not, I went to the toilet and.... I just couldn't go. The nurse turned on the tap, but still as much as I tried I couldn't pee. While it did slowly slowly become easier to pee, I really had to push hard, like for a poo (and I do try not to push for a poo, as pushing isn't really good for you). Later, at home, when I "managed" to do a poo (which first few times were a "miss" into the pad I had. Quite embrassing even if no-one knew), I never knew if I was pushing foe a poo or for a pee. Sorry if too graphic.

Anyway, that was how little girl came into the world. I am now writing this while she's sleeping on my lap after finishing nursing [written before the "milking crises"..] Seems like she's been here forever :-). And yes, the end result is what counts. But it still saddens me that this was her entry into the world. Being thrown into sudden contractions (at least I knew they were coming) and then sucked out into full light, taken away from mother and all these tests and pokings she had to endure (and still has :-( ).
If I am lucky and do get to be pregnant again, I am most certainly not going the hospital route. Personally I really feel liked I missed out on the birth experience, didn't have at all any צירי לחץ, being treated as a medical patient and not as a person bringing a new life into the world and the atomosphere in general (like when I tried and breastfeed - she was put on me a few minutes, and of course I didn't really manage as besides being new at this I was after a stressful birth, but unstead of calmly letting me, she was taken away). I would like to have an amending experience. O.K, that's way into the future, if and if and if. And maybe I'm bitter because I do believe I shouldn't have had the induction and most certainly I believe the suction was not necessary. My perfect little girl came out with an apgar of 9 & 10. The distress she was "in" was probably due to her heart monitor keeping on disconnecting (another reason why not hospital. Those monitors are so annoyingly bad).

Growing Spurts

2010-07-23T12:46:00.004+03:00

Growing spurts.. who needs them?? At least she's now asleep after a very long and tiring morning (but guess who can't sleep..). But the constant feeding... and nice how all where I read they mention that it is (in addition of course to gaining more calories) for mother to increase her milk. Thank you but my milk will not increase if I do not have any time to express (and not that before I had loads of time with the girl who is done with 15-20 minute naps during the day), and if I am beyond tired. Oh, well, at least I expect a giant lying in the cradle, instead of my little girl, when she wakes! And guess if sleep is eluding me, then expressing it should be.

P.S
Remember I mentioned how she sleeps 6 hours at night? Jinxed that! We're now down to 4. But still, there is some sleep going on, and I am a night owl so the nights are much easier for me. It's the mornings that are the bad.

P.P.S
Should add all these fun things she is now doing! Like following with her eyes, and smiling to my voice, and mabye not yet real cooing, but kind of bubbling. :-))

EDT
I guess I need it! Though am tired as I hardly had a chance to sleep, young lady (after the hard morning) slept and slept and slept! But at least I'm tured now and not exhausted.

Job Interview

2010-07-21T16:39:00.004+03:00

OMG I have my first job interview on Sunday. That is me intervewing... a nanny. Have no idea what to ask her and how to decide, but since I'm not offering attractive hours, I guess if she seems o.k I'll take her.. Can't write more because feeding girl.

2010-07-21T02:54:00.005+03:00

First let me tell you about my genius girl. Didn't tell you this before, but my daughter said her first word! And she did it when she was just a week old. Not only that, my dear daughter knew what word should a child mutter as their first word. So not dada or the likes, but Ima! (=mummy). [she would have this sobbing cry where she goes eeeeeee maaaaaaaa..... her cries now are stronger so she doesn't really do that anymore..]

But really, she is a magnificant girl. Today I was really feeling bad and beyond the basic stuff, just couldn't handle taking care of her. And my little girl? This girl who doesn't sleep during the day? Slept most of the day! As if she knew :-) And while she might have also not been feeling too well, or maybe other reasons that caused her to sleep more as there is improvement there, I actually do believe that she could sense something was up with mummy today.
And what an amazing strange thing - my sister went to this meditation thing last night in which she had to choose a person in her life and take away some misery/hurt/saddness.... Well as she felt some sadness in me the other day, she decided to choose me. So she meditated how she is extracting the cause of the saddness from me, and then disposing of it. Well, the next day (i.e today) I felt so bad, vomited three times (and that third time with nothing to vomit.. not a happy exprience!). And let me tell you I am a very very healthy person. I think it must have been some twenty years since the last time I had vomited.. (and although it was suggested it's a virus, I am more than sure it's not. Maybe food poisining or a reaction to something I've taken.
Feeling now much much better!

Anyhow wanted to end with a picture of the first smile the camera caught :-)

(she does smile better than that, but to catch it on camera...)

sleep and milk

2010-07-18T16:00:00.004+03:00

On the other side of what I wrote yesterday, as much as exhausted as I am, I do see improvement. There were days, not so long ago, when the mornings were terrible as I was sooo tired, and please girl take a nap, and then the late evenings were a nightmare as I just couldn't put her to sleep. Yes, there was a food issue which must have made things worse, and at the end of a long day I was completly cranky and nervous which obviously didn't help. Besides improvment on the food issue (i.e, she gets a bottle), I decided I would keep my calm, evan if inside I'm on fire. And amzingly that first night I tried it, it worked! More so, now that I know she won't fall asleep until about midnight, it is so much easier. Since I know, there is no point of trying and trying and trying and being frustrated it's not working. So I'll try - great if she falls asleep, kind of o.k if she doesn't.

And then there is co-sleeping. Since I came back from the hospital and until a few days ago, I've been "spending my time" at my mother's [which also means I am with no speller here, so again - sorry for all those spelling mistakes..], including sleeping the nights (we are neighbours). As much as I want to co-sleep, I can't at my mother's. A few nights ago I decided that at least the nights I should spend at my place (not so much the days as it is very hot here and I do not have an air-conditioner. but the nights, with a fan, are o.k, plus I do want to co-sleep..) So a few nights ago I started with us sleeping in the same bed but as I was/am scared to roll over her, not too close. But that doesn't really feel like co-sleeping. I mean they talk about collecting your hair in a band (if you have long hair) and how it helps regulate baby's breathing when they occasionally forget to breath or something, but I was too far for my hair to bother her or for my breathing to have any influence, etc. I think that what most bothered me, is that I doubt if she knew I was there, by her side (her head was facing away from me). I do want her to know that I'm there, that she is not alone in the world.. So last night we slept closer, much closer. It started with her having these "funny" but very scary breathings (I just moved her to bed and haven't yet went to sleep myself). So I lay by her side and breathed, just regular breaths, and I was amazed at how quickly she came back to normal. And then we spent I think most of the night in the Mummy-Tummy-Time position (as opposed to just tummy-time. If you know my name, pan intended..) in which I lay on my back, and she's on her tummy on me [I so love it!]. But then I'm scared of turning and squasing her or something. So how close/far should co-sleeping be? Too far, I think loses the benifits, too near and could it be dangerous?
Question for those who co-sleep or who intend to - how do you do it? How near/far from baby do you sleep?

And I'll end with two breastfeeding moments:
This morning in bed there was a point where we were lying facing each other (on our sides) and she sniffed at my breasts (when she's near my breasts [and not being fed] she goes sniffing like a little puppy..). What more could be than to lift my nightie and to serve her breakfast. More than anything I would have loved to do so, but I knew I shouldn't. I should not give her my empty breasts when she is hungry, it does not do either of us any good. So I went and prepared her a bottle while feeling such a pinch in my heart (and yes, after she had some food and was no more in the hungry zone I offered her my breasts).
And then later in the day, she was hungry and I was going to make her a bottle. Problem was, the boiled water hasn't cooled down enough, so as she really needed her food (please people, it was one hour since she finished her previous meal. am I being cynical!? but she was crying very loudly for her food..) I decided to try and offer my milk. As I mentioned earlier, I know I shouldn't when she is hungry, but it seemed like an emergancy, so I tried. And she just screamed and wouldn't have any of it. And all I could feel was how less of a woman I am. Now I know in my mind that not. I know there are great women out there who do not breast feed their kids either because they can't or don't want to [but truth, can't understand not wanting to in the claim that the breasts are a sex organ as one of the women in the pregnancy board kept saying..], and I know kids, whether breast fed or not, grow to be wonderful people [I have an almost two year-old niece living next door, who has never sucked from her mother's breasts, and she such an amazing child..]. I know it does not make me any less of a woman or a person, but that is how I feel, I can not provide my kid with this basic thing most any woman can. Please don't tell me otherwise, because as I said I do know and please, no breastfeeding advice (I am working on it, haven't yet given up).

P.S
She is now napping very beautifully for over an hour. Plus she refused my breasts (see above incident where water too hot, oh eventually I cooled it down [by pouring from cup to cup..] enough for her to drink her milk. she still refused my milk). Me thinking she takes her naps on my breasts so doens't need nap time (as in - in bed, letting mummy some time for herself..). urg!

S l e e e e e p !

2010-07-17T07:32:00.003+03:00

O.K, always said that not sleeping is the one reason why not to be a mother.. I mean I so love my sleep, could sleep and sleep and sleep.
And who am I to complain - my girl does sleep the night! 6 hours! (and she does know her maths, I mean if she went down at midnight, then she'll be up at 6:00 sharp. But last night, going to sleep for the night at 22:00, made her wake up at 4:00! luckly she did go back to sleep after her feed :-)). And people ask me how was the night, and what can I say, not bad at all (though greedy as I am, I am waiting for a noght stretch of more than six hours..).
But it's the days that kill me. She takes a nap in the morning (right now.. I'll soon join her as I am sooo tired) and maybe one in the afternoon. But the rest of the day? No, she does not sleep! I mean here there are 15 minutes, there 20 but nothing more than that. Which means being with her, taking care of her needs all day long with almost no break. Come night I am so exhausted. And funny how she wakes in the morning. She is not such a crier, she just moves and moves and moves, totaly unquiet. And I try to ignore in the hopes that she'll go back to sleep.
o.k she's up again, so i'll just tell you about this big smile she had on this morning. she was lying on the bed while i was standing getting dressed when she put on this big big smile as i was looking at her. she's been smiling for quiet some time, so it's not new, but this smile was different! felt like a big heartful and genuine smile :)))

My Little Girl..

2010-07-08T15:34:00.008+03:00

As I mentioned a while back, because my girl will only ever have just my side of a family, it was important to me to give her a name that will connect her to both of my sides. I guess it doesn't much make sense logically, but well..So her name :-)

I'm actually starting with her second name. A (I added the names as a picture, so they won't be searchable) was my grandmother's name, my mother's mother. She was the only grandparent I knew, and she really was special. She lived in England and came to visit us about once a year, and we really cherished those visits. I especially loved how she used to sing us lullabies, which is why I very much want to sing to my girl lullabies when putting her to sleep. While officially she was called above name, she was more known as A.n.n, which is how I originally wanted to call my daughter. But my niece who has a very similar first name [and A.n.n as a second], and it sounded completely wrong to me, so I went with above. And I grew to really like it!

My grandmother was born on the 14th of June, and once I've decided on the name, I so wanted little girl to be born on that date. Thought it would be so cool to be born on the birthday of the person you were named after!

(My grandma and her grandkids. I'm the baby on her lap)

Her first name, and while her second name represents my mother's side, this represents my father's side. It is not a name of a specific person (though it was my father's brother's name who died before my parents met, so he is not someone I knew), but it (together with another name) is a name that runs in the family (but mostly as a second name). These two names alternate so one is called G and his son will be named H etc. My father actually is neither as there was both a G and an H when he was born.

And I really love this name! I wanted it as a name for my child ever since my almost 15 year old nephew got it as a second name. It really answers all what I want in a name - first and foremost it's a long name, with three syllables. I just like long names. It is an Israeli name (though basically more a boy's name. One thing I was happy about was that it never came up as a name in the pregnancy forum. Actually also not as a boy's name..) but can be pronounced without difficulties in English (my father, when hearing the name, kept asking if with a 'b' or a 'v' and while I said 'v', he still sent e-mails announcing the birth of his granddaughter ..b.. ...) and I think it has a nice flow, I love the sound. Also I like the meaning (from the verb to overcome, whatever happens in life she will be able to overcome it!) and that it's an angle's name.

And the funny thing - as I said above, I was very much aiming at giving birth on the 14.6, my grandmother's birthday, but life had it that I gave birth two days later. Wait! Two days later!? That's my father's father's birthday!! (all my four grandparents were Geminis, as are my mother sister and I, but I didn't know that the 16th was my grandfather's date). Could have been much cooler if grandad was called G, but alas he is an H :-D

Look what the Mail Brought :-)

2010-07-07T15:35:00.004+03:00

I am so lucky to have such bloggy friends, because really, look at this gorgeous blanket! What beautiful colours, and a lovely design :-)
And look at these clothes! Too cute!! Can't wait for little girl to be big enough to be able to wear them!
Thank you so much BattyNurse! (you really are so talented :-) )

2010-07-06T08:05:00.002+03:00

Thank you all!
I am much better, and more importantly baby is/will be (and yes, there is a lactgation consultant). Don't know now if the breastfeeding thing will work out or not, but I think [after probably starving my kid by trying only breast and no formula. Seems what I thought was good (being all day on my breasts) was bad, as she was trying and trying and not getting any/much. (and not that the days before I was giving her the formula after every meal)] that I can be o.k with feeding being mainly bottle and breast more for comfort.
Funny thing, I woke to feed her at 2 am and I saw a small wet patch on my nightie at my right nipple. And from then on, I was leeking and leeking and leeking! Mainly from that side (nightie on that side very much wet..) but also a bit on the other side (and it includes before and after giving her that side). It was wow and yay :-). While I think I did have some sort of leekage before, never like this.

On a side note - she probably doesn't deserve it, but just to correct the wrong impression I may have made - those things weren't said recentally, more over a year ago [in fact the date daughter was born was the date that whatever we (me and stalker) had, ended. Ironic, as I said..]

2010-07-05T17:09:00.002+03:00

"Dear" stalker.
Yes, you were right. I am a terrible mother, should never have gone to the trouble to become one. Couldn't birth her like I should have, can't nourish her and worst I am probably fighting a lost battle in an attempt to maybe yes. A battle that the one big looser is the girl. So yes, you were right, and that poor soul should not have been born to me.

P.S
Noticed the date she was born on? Ironic.

milk (take 3)

2010-07-04T15:18:00.002+03:00

Been today at the child development centre, and not so good news. My baby is loosing weight, she is back to under her birth weight. Previous week, in 4 days, she gained quite a nice weight, so I was probably way to easy on giving her formula. That and of course hating giving it to her. So it wasn't after every meal, but here some and there some. Then on Friday, after finger feeding her almost a full bottle as she did not take my breast, she had a terrible evening - screaming and obviously in pain. I said enough of this formula. It is causing her pain and discomfort and not helping with the breast feeding. The next day, as if she read my mind, she was on my breast the whole day. Really, with maybe 1.5 - 2 hours max between feeds (except for one almost 4 hour nap she took..). And as much as it's exhausting, and hardly time for self, and my poor sore nipples, I was happy. Happy that breastfeeding is working and happy to say goodbye to formula. Stupid me. She was probably trying but not getting much or any. Damn. Why can't my baby gain weight? Why can't I breastfeed her properly? Why??? So I am now to breastfeed her for only 40 minutes, and then to finger feed and then to express. I hate expressing as it is painful and as, well I have a little baby to entertain and take care and I can't do it while she's crying or fussy. And expressing now showed me almost no milk going into the bottle. So frustrating.

milk

2010-06-27T14:25:00.003+03:00

O.K, the good news is that little girl has reached the target! She is now back to her birth weight :-). The less good news.. am I overfeeding her?? In the last few days she is so restless during the day, doesn't sleep at all and seems struggling, very uncomfortanle. Nurse at child development said these are probably growth pains. Urg, didn't know they have that at this age, but with all the extra feeding, it does sound logical. And well, probably wrong to call it extra feeding, more that before I might have under-fed. See, I'm now supplementing each feed with formula. She first eats at my breasts (more should I say chews and hurts. Does it ever become the enjoyable mother child moment??), and then I give her formula through a tube (so that not to give her a bottle whose nipple is easier to manage). And then, technically I pump [to increas milk flow and to supplemt meals with my milk and not a cow's product, though that has not yet happened], excpet too many times I don't (like when she is restless all day and I really don't have time for it, or when I just put it off for this feed). Problem is I really hardly have any milk and she is probably getting the majority of her nutrition from the formula. And oh, I so want to do breastfeeding. I want to give my child the best, which I do believe is breast milk. I want to be able to go with her to wherever and not worry about bottles and sterlizing and bringing the powder and water etc, just me my girl and my boobs. And the bonding. (truth right now it more hurts and I am mostly way too tired for anything). But I don't have enough milk. Obviously she can't live on my breasts alone and right now I need to supplement and I'm doing that because more than all it's important she gains weight. But I really do hope the flow will come. Nurse at child development hinted how soon I might concider giving up the breasts. Oh, please don't say that to me, please don't tell me I'm failing at this very natural procedure. I didn't have the natural birth I so dreamt (and read and learned and prepared myslef for), and now I can't do this!?

[and I really should wake her up now for a feed, but how do you wake a peacfully sleeping baby when you know what will come next???]

Milk!

2010-06-23T16:51:00.004+03:00

Milk! I finally have got milk :-). Though mother and baby (who has been weighed almost every day now [hospital; pediatrician; child development centre..] are still aiming to reach that birth weight... [but I must say, I do have a super hero baby, as withing 24 hours she grew 1.5 cm. tall! (measured in different places, lol)].

And then there's the belly buttom clamp. Somehow they didn't take it off at the hospital when they discharged her, and each time we go to see this professional or that, they are always surprised to see it still atached to her. Today at long last it was removed! Yay :-).
P.S

If you think I have a hard thinking little girl, then think again. Apparently while mother was busy with the camera, little girl was busy delivering some poo (in another shot it is even very much visable. funny how I didn't see it when taking the pics..)

(and yes, that's a rash of an unknown source..)

Normalcy ?? When!

2010-06-21T19:29:00.003+03:00

Want to be a normal new mother after birth, without all these running around and with me being fit and able (one of the reasons I wanted a natural, medicineless birth [I think I wrote most of the birth story, will hopefully post it later on], was to be able to function as fully as one can after birth. And I can't. I can't walk or stand too long, or do this walking while "bouncing" up and down in a way that calms a baby. Sitting is much easier, but still not every surface and not for too long. And I won't talk now about the fun of going to the toilet (though will mention that things are getting better down there).
And I want to have my child not loose too much weight [was told it really is borderline] and not to have to give her antibiotics or worse have an IV infusion for her antibiotics at the nursery or have her stubbed three times a day (again at the nursery. thank god that' over) to check sugar levels [because suddenly I am concidered GD] or to have to take her, a five day old little baby, to the children's ER because her TSH levels are borderline high (oh, that was one stupid unnecessary trip, and not at all fun. First a nurse looks at her and asks me all these questions, some completly unrelevant like if she got her vaccinations [namely the Hep B] and why not. I do have a very restless crying very very young baby. Can't we skip protocol?? And then an intern asked all those questions and more, and it was drugging on and on.
Now both these ladies were very nice,and I am sure I would like them dealing with an injured child of mine if ever I had to, and I on the other hand am way too hormonal, but still, being asked the same questions again is pointless [and each time answers were filled into the computer], and all those questions... please! I was then seen by a doctor who finally was short and to the point. Seems there really wasn't any reason to send me to the ER (as the TSH should be monitered, but doesn't have to be done there) but if I already came, to come again on Wed morning to have the tests done. Hope it won't be such a long story like today).
And want to be just me and baby, and not have everyone's while very good intention, advice and "knowledge". Don't want my sister asking when her last feed was, or my mother informing her we are heading to the ER. When I got angry about it with her, she starts saying how it is my sister's right to know. URG! What about my right to do things without the whole world's nose? And I'm not talking about not letting her know, it was just the timing, not when we are about to leave, not before. If you want to later tell her how your day infolded and that was part of it, so be it, but not before. Hope you understand what I mean. I am not against my sisters knowing, but they are not this big council that has to be part of whatever decision is to be made. And they are very helpful and all and I am probably very lucky, but what about me wanting to just be a new mother without all this. To bring home a healthy baby, to complain about those sleepless nigths, to have people care and lend a helping hand and all but to also feel like I am the mother. Yes hormonal.

P.S
Not on my compouter and no spell check..

P.S.S
Slowly slowly am trying to catch up on my reading, and it probably will take some time (I am not the person to just hit - read all - on my reader), so sorry about that..

short update

2010-06-18T18:10:00.002+03:00

came home not long ago from hospital. baby girl was born on Wed morning (16.6.10) weighing 3230 grams. not an easy birth, hope to write birth story soon (wow! our very own birth story!), but right now to exhausted. thanks for all your good wishes!

2010-06-18T18:03:00.002+03:00

Induction?

2010-06-14T13:05:00.003+03:00

Went today to have a checkup at the hospital after a sleepless night (After going to sleep I suddenly wasn't sure what was the procedure, if I just turn up at the hospital or what, so I googled and googled and got more and more confused. Seeing that the number of my medical plan is a 24 hour, I decided to call [4 am by then..] and she was so unhelpful. Telling me I have to get a referral from my doctor [I am 42 weeks. I do not have time to wait to see a doctor to get that referral] and how she can't give me medical advice. Didn't want any medical advice, just what's the procedure. Urg! Anyway phoned again in the morning. Again got the wrong information, but at least he was a little bit more helpful. Seems that from week 40 I "belong to the state", and so can go to the hospital, no problem. If only she would have told me that last night..).
Anyway, so I've just come back from being monitored. Everything is fine with baby and all (and yes, couldn't avoid the weight thing. I so didn't want to know so she told me not to look, but that's not really a possibility for me, but I think at about 3.3 kilos she's not too big... don't have to worry about pushing out a big one :-) [and please don't be like my mother who exclaimed - she's big*. Even if she is, let me enjoy thinking she's not). BUT, no contractions at all (yeah, that didn't surprise me..) and worst, only 1 cm dilatation (a month ago the dr. gave me 1.5..). I was so hoping that something is happening in there even if I'm not feeling anything. But nope, my body is still not ready to give birth.
The doctor highly recommended an induction. She was really putting pressure on me to stay, saying that as I'm in a very advanced week that I'm endangering the pregnancy/baby. And she kept on about how as it's an IVF pregnancy, that it is a very dear one (boy do I know that!) and that all the more I should have an induction. And I so don't want. I really wanted my girl to come at her time, when it is "convenient" for her, not when artificially made to. And more so, I so want a natural birth, one without any drugs and all. One that both mother and baby are alert straight after birth and baby breastfeeds and the bonding starts and all is well. And with an induction I am scared that that dream will be lost. And you know, all is well with baby, her heart beat's o.k, there's enough amniotic fluid, her weight's o.k. The only problem is that I'm week 42. So do I have an induction just because of the week I am in? But if the age alone is a (major) factor? If I by refusing an induction I am endangering my baby?
I so don't know. I am to go again tomorrow to be monitored again. Might have that induction as I doubt there'll be any change from today.

EDT
Spoke with my doula. She recommended reflexology and taking Castor oil. I am not going to now quickly find someone who does reflexology (or accu or the likes), but I did buy the oil. Not looking forward for the taste and hmmmm.. the diarrhea that follows, but if I am to start labour artificially (hoping hoping hoping it will!), then I'd much rather this than what the hospital has to offer which will make contractions unbearable. Wish me luck!

* I do think that as I myself have hardly gained weight and have quite a small tummy for where I am, my mother kind of expected baby to be on the smaller range.

2010-06-13T02:37:00.002+03:00

Feeling stressed about who will be with me in the delivery room. Sister #1 was the one I asked originally, the one I wanted to be with me and the one I was counting on. I did at some point ask sister #3 to be a backup, but more for the length of the birth than sister #1 not making it at all.
And so today at this family gathering I mention how this week... and she goes on about what a busy week she has. I kind of feel a bit guilty about it, but understand that whatever she will still be there for me. But then she mentions something about not 100% she will be able to, that if it falls on (I am really not sure what it was, I was too shocked to ask or even to want to ask what and when) that she won't be able to. I was/am so disappointed. I mean I didn't ask her yesterday, she knew all along I'm counting on her, and it's not like it's up to me when baby comes. I really never saw that coming, and at the last minute at that! Only the other day I heard this story about how sister #3 planned a weekend away and asked #1 if she could look after the kids who said (with reference to the date) no problem. So #3 booked a place. Only then did #1 say it was not convenient for her (some trip or something popped up). Urg!

So now I don't know if she can be there, or truth be told if I even want her. And I will say that she hasn't come to sit with me, going over what and how at birth, at how she can assist me. I did send her my birth plan because it was important for me that she should know, but if I wouldn't have...

And again trying to think what are my options.
Do I ask sister #3? I did want her origianlly as a backup, but as I mentioned not long ago, I can't really have her as I can't trust she will know to look out for my interests regarding treatment for baby after birth (because if she doesn't think we have a right to ask such things [like no bathing], how can she she demand such care!?).
Do I just leave it just me and the doula?? A woman I don't really know (hoping it will be her and not the backup I asked for in case she can't make it. Because at least I know her, haven't even met the backup)? Do I want to be in my most intimate, most meaningful moment in my life with people who are nothing more than strangers?
Which leads me to thinking again of my mother. She has been there so much for me, helping me in so many ways in these last weeks to get things organized. Without her, who knows where I'd be regarding preparing house for baby. But while I know (or at least hope..) she will be honoured, I myself am not too thrilled of having her there with me. But I do know a mother is a mother, and that if I ask her, she will come with me whatever she has, and I do trust her to follow treatment I request for baby (I remember from my childhood how she made a big fuss about wearing a gown while having an x-ray, so I do know she understands how we patients have rights and we can request things). So I'm going to bed (or not going to bed) wondering who and what will be there with me.

Besides that sudden stress, I am also beginning to be somewhat stressed about baby's arrival. All along my pregnancy I told her how nice it would be if she is born on this Monday (date wise), but how I totally understood if not. And the days going by, and she is not yet born, and I am thinking how she really is listening to me... But now I am starting to worry if she is too long in the womb and if it's not good for her (I hear the phrase about the aging of the placenta only too often..). And if she is not born by Monday (which will be exactly 2 weeks passed the EDD), I will have to go and have this extra monitoring (or whatever you call it in English, the one you should be going to if due date comes but baby doesn't). I don't want to go mainly because I do not want to know her weight, not before she is born (and by me not knowing I mean that no-one will know..). I really feel strongly about this, but I doubt if that's a possibility, if I can have her monitored and (at my advanced week) not have her weight checked.

I think that in the last few evenings I am feeling her much more. When I mentioned this today at the family gathering, I was told it can't be, that on the contrary in the last stages of pregnancy they have less room so they are felt less. But I know what I'm feeling, and I am positive she is readying herself for the great day. So please girl, lets start things rolling! I don't know who will be with me, and truth is I am very disappointed and stressed over it (and feeling how as much as family are there for you and care for you and all, how they can't always be trusted, so it is just us two in this world), but don't let that concern you! Everything will work out o.k, you just come! And yes girl, I am eager to finally see you face to face, so please!

Vaccinations

2010-06-09T22:20:00.011+03:00

First, thanks for waiting with me! (and no, not yet a mummy..)
[and Tiara - loved your dream :-)]

I am now trying to learn about vaccinations. It was all along clear to me that I won't necessary give my child all the vaccinations, and that those I do give won't necessarily be according to the routine schedule here. I don't know how it goes elsewhere, but it is (in my eyes) quite a crazy schedule. [I tried adding a chart of the schedule here, but I'm not really succeeding (it comes out tiny)]. It starts of with hepatitis B at the hospital. That was the first one I knew I won't be giving as there is really no need if I don't have it! And then it goes on every month or so. I think I read that 30 vaccinations are given in the first year (which I suppose doesn't mean 30 times the needle as some are a combination. But it is less the injection per se that concerns me, more what goes in to my girl. If already I'm for splitting them). And not giving them in the regular routine means I'm planning on starting late. Not sure when exactly, I think I'd like to start after she becomes a year old, but maybe I'll start as early as half a year.

My first lesson on the subject came when I was in the eight grade. I was always late for school, so not surprising I was late on the day they had some kind of test injection done for this vaccinations (not sure which. maybe tuberculosis?) and so hadn't had the test done. Then the day of getting the vaccine came. Up till them I knew how important vaccinations are and how we must all get all our vaccinations, etc etc, so of course I was waiting to get mine! But as I hadn't done the test, I was brushed aside, told how it wasn't a big deal not getting this shot! I think they might have stopped that particular vaccinations a few years after, but still it echoed in me that it is not such a must as I thought, that one doesn't necessarily have to get all the shots. [and yes, I was a very naive child. When on a school trip the bus in front of us didn't stop at a red light, I was sure the police would come right there and then and arrest the offending driver! because in my young life there was right and wrong, no in between]. Anyway though it might have been my first lesson on the issue of vaccinations, it took many years to process it..

And so I said to myself that this is something I want to learn, but never really got round to looking into it. I mean I did here and there but not too seriously. There is this Israeli site I found, but they seem too radical to me, completly against all vaccines. But then other sites are all for and say how important and wonderful they all are... What I wanted was to learn about each vaccination - how, why, when, so I can make an educated decision. But I guess finding a neutral source is not really possible..
Anyway, my sister got me for my birthday a book on vaccinations (The Truth about Vaccines) which now that I finished my pregnancy and birthing books and have time on my hand, am digging into. I still have no idea what, how and when, but finally I feel like I'm doing some learning on the subject :-).

40 (part II)

2010-05-31T23:33:00.005+03:00

Preparations, preparations, preparations.. I thought I'd gladly announce that I have my hospital bag ready, but no such luck, I am just taking my time too slowly. Well, today was my due date but (as I expected..) no girl yet. My mother says Friday, I say next Friday (not a hunch or anything, just because it doesn't feel like it's going to happen so soon and Friday is a day I love :-)).
I won't do a summery of my pregnancy, just two things I've learned - I can wear a wireless bra! (thought that was out of the question for me..) and I can be without a bra (and not only when sleeping). Though only in the premises of my own house. At some point in the evening I just can't take it anymore and fling it off of me. That used to be a completely no no for me...

The other day I started doing the washing. This is the first load!

I was hanging and not able to comprehend that these are for my girl. It just seems so weird to me. Can't believe that very soon there will be a new baby in the family and that this baby will be my baby. It is so surreal.

BTW, one of the onesies had a "I love my Daddy" written on it. I think I'll put it aside for someone else. I thought maybe I am a bit over-sensitive, and she could wear it just for laughs, but then I do have enough clothes and I don't think it would be right.

And now I'd like to introduce Rosy to you.

Rosy is my rosemary plant. I don't remember when exactly I planted her, maybe when I was three or four months? but at the time I decided that she was "born" more or less when I conceived (she was bought as a little plant from a nursery). She accompanied me throughout my pregnancy :-).

There is this fruit (don't know what it's called, not what I thought) I sometimes pick from a tree when I pick up my nephew. I have collected the pips and would like to plant it the day my daughter is born. Obviously that is not possible (though probably more likely than to expect a tree actually growing from planting a pip :-)), so I want to here and there plant some of those pips. Wouldn't it be nice to have this special tree born together with girl? [though if a tree does come out of it, I should know what tree it is so I'll know what to call him!]

And finally here's me, a pic from today :-):

40 (part I)

2010-05-28T14:25:00.006+03:00

Today I've turned 40 :-). At 12:00 (noon) I have lived on this planet for 40 odd years - about half a life time :-). I do thank you girl for not showing up today (yes, the day's not yet over, but I doubt if she suddenly will be coming). I wouldn't want to share birthdays, let her have her day and I my day..

To celebrate my birthday, I went to a La Leche League meeting (just happened that the one in a nearby town holds these meetings every last Friday of the month and I just missed the previous one..). I thought I was going to hear a lecture, but it was really nice - we sat around and introduced ourselves (most were mothers) and asked questions, advice regarding breastfeeding. Good to hear from other people's experience what not, what yes, etc. And I liked that the counselors were open about using formula if necessary (I kind of expected a no way attitude. EDT I thought they'd be fanatic about breastfeeding, but they didn't seem so). It was a small group and a very friendly atmosphere. I think I'll make it a habit of going to these meetings :-).

Later on, when my family will come over to celebrate, I am planning on telling them her name. I try everyday to tell her her name, sometimes with an explanation, sometimes just singing it to her, but except for two other people with whom I consulted, nobody else knows her name. I didn't want to tell people her name too early, so that they won't try and pressure me to change it (you know, someone will always think it's not a good name..), and then I felt my house had to be much more prepared for her arrival before I could disclose her name. On the other hand, I do want to do so before she is born, when I can tell them all at the same time, and when I can also explain her name (thank you again girl for not showing up too early :-)). So, while my house is not 100% ready, it is very much ready, and I my birthday will be a good opportunity to tell :-).

And talking about celebrating, I was thinking if I want some kind of party for girl after she's born [we don't do showers here before the birth..] or not. Well, not so much if I want, because I do. I would like to since as a single mother, I didn't have my day getting married, so at least I'll have my day showing off my girl. But also because I don't want to feel like this girl is something to be ashamed of, as because she doesn't have a daddy I/she don't/doesn't deserve to celebrate her birth. But it also felt like I'd be asking too much from my parents who have already done a lot to help out. Well, talking about someone's else baby girl party, my mum asked if I'd also like to do something.. So I think around August :-).

And if I'm going back to house being prepared, then last night, I finally got round to sorting baby's clothes. Not so easy.. I started by putting them into piles I labeled - NB, 3-6 months, 6-12 months, etc. But then some clothes just said 6 months, so in what pile do I put them? Others said 6-9 months. Still others were labeled differently - size 1, 0 etc. And others had no label or a label that was faded, and I have NO IDEA.. O.k so I'll need help with the [big] question mark pile. Funny thing, I was looking at the NB pile, and they all seemed to have short sleeves. Now as much as it is summer and hot and all, I do understand that I need to dress her in two! long sleeves layers, so I couldn't understand how they are all with short sleeves. That was until I figured, those are long sleeves, I guess their arms are just short.. lol.
This weekend I plan on starting to wash them!

And talking about washing and preparing, I think my hospital bag, while things are not yet in the bag, is almost ready with the things to go in mostly ready or near ready. I think I am mentally ready (or nearing ready) to end pregnancy and start parenthood :-).

P.S
Thanks to Calliope, I finally got my three column blog that I wanted!

P.S.S
I am so sorry that I am so behind on blog reading.

EDT (between making a cake and teaching and coming and going didn't really proof read, and too many mistakes!). Well they all loved her first name :-). I was sure I'd get comments regarding this name. I did get a comment about her second name, more about how I'm going to spell it in Hebrew because of the meaning, but that is why I am spelling it like that!

Edited again to add.. well above was before talking to brother, lol! My very old fashioned narrow minded brother, the one who didn't understand why I have to go the sperm donor route and not the "normal" find a guy get married route, the one who doesn't understand my not wanting an epidural ("why suffer?" he asks. I do not see it as suffering, on the contrary!), the one who doesn't understand why I would want to use cloth diapers ("do you know how many you have to wash a day?". If I told him I'm planning EC he would have completly freaked out..), the one who had something to say about her name.. I'm smiling as I write this, I'm really not bothered by those opinions of his.

Backup?

2010-05-20T08:11:00.003+03:00

I am planning on having sister #1 with me during birth as well as my doula. I asked the doula to arrange a backup just in case she can't come (though I would rather not have some stranger, I guess if she can't come, it's better than nothing..). As for my sister, I arranged for sister #3 to be #1's backup.
I really want #1 attending my birth. Besides doing this before with my other sister (#6), I know she would go with me and my desires. But I also know a first birth can be very long, and maybe she'll need some relief, a little break, so I asked sister #3 to step in. I was never too thrilled with her, as I am not sure how far she'll go with my wishes.

Anyway, last night, mentioning how I don't want my baby washed in the hospital, she started saying how that is not up to me, rather the hospital's policy. I tried arguing with her that I, as the mother, have the right over my child, and if I don't want her washed, she should not be washed. But sister insisted that if hospital decided that yes she should be washed, then I can't do anything about it. An approach that really annoyed me! I don't want someone to go with the hospital policy, rather I need someone to be with me and my wants. As I will probably not be in such a condition to stand for myself, I need someone who beyond knowing how I want, will also demand that I get what I want. So no, I can't have her as a backup.

So now the question is who can I ask to be a backup? (or maybe I leave #1 without a backup?). Sister #6 will be ideal as she very much has the same ideas as me regarding birth. She gave birth at home (something I'd love to do, but can't) with no drugs etc, so she also has experience with this kind of birth. But.. I do not want her in my birth, not to mention that she lives a bit far and has two little ones so not really a likelihood she would be able to even if I wanted her. Sister #5? No birthing experience and not sure how far she'd go with what and how I want (she's a bit like sister #3 in this respect - both caring an loving, but don't so much understand that the hospital doesn't necessarily have the final word. That a patient can make requests out of the ordinary). So sisters are out (#2, besides being my brother also doesn't live her in Israel, and #4 is me..).
Started thinking maybe my mother can be the one. I don't really want her in the birth itself, but maybe she is not such a bad option? And I am only talking about a backup here, hoping sister #1 will be able to be with me and be the whole time. Something to think about..

P.S
I actually doubt this hospital I chose will have any problems with this request of mine.. (or for that matter any of my requests, that's why I chose them. I still need someone I know will be there for me).

This and That

2010-05-17T18:35:00.003+03:00

Shiatsu.
If you remember, I started going to shiatsu for the back pain I was suffering from. Never doing this before, I didn't really know what to expect. Well, that first treatment was painful, but it did do the trick - my back pain was gone! The sessions after that were with a different therapist (the same different therapist) and were always so pleasant. I kept wondering if that first treeatment hurt because of the therapist's style or because it was a first treatment, working on taking the pain away (while the others are more to maintain). Well, this week I got my answer.. My session yesterday was with the first therapist, and she hurts! I was releaved when it was over.. But again, she did take that horrible back pain away.

As for my to do list - it's been very hectic latley with getting things done. Most of the things on the list are either done or in the process of getting done. One of the things on my list was to make my shower bigger. Everybody has been trying to tell me to have a bath instead or at least half a tub. Hinting how poor my kid will be without being able to splash in a bath. Well besides not really having room (a bath might fit in, but then I would have to have the shower in the bath which I hate and there probably won't be room for a washing machine. A half tub would mean a very crowded room), I don't like the idea and I do like the idea of a bigger shower space. And you know what - who said she won't enjoy the shower (when she is too big for the baby bath)? Why is it assumed that she can't have fun? I think it can be made into a different sort of fun. I will just say that (although it is not yet finished and I haven't yet showered in it), I am pleased!
And yes, am so happy things are moving along and getting done :-).

And now there is the question of the baby bath. Do I have the regular one that stands on feet or an air filled one (which is usually put in the bath). I do have (now :-)) room in my shower for either. With the second I can wash her while sitting on a low stool, so it's not a problem of bending over, more of which is more convenient. O.K, something to investigat..

Been to the dr. today. Well the good news is that I am 30% efface and have a 1.5 cm opening! Kind of excited to think that it has started!! I know it is something that can (and I am sure will) take weeks, but hey, she and my body are getting ready.. He also wrote "head 5" which I have no idea what it means. Anybody?

He told me it was our last meeting, and that on my EDD, if I haven't given birth by then, I should go to the hospital where I am planning on delivering to join all the other misreables for excess preganancy tracking (is that how you say it in English?). Misreable. Hmmm, I am mostly very much enjoying my pregnancy (sorry Paige). I believe she will be born when the time is right and I am not looking forward to ending this (I mean I will be happy and all when she is born, doesn't mean the now is bad). Tried telling him how the E in EDD stand for Estimated (same in Hebrew) and that as for as I know, most first pregnancies take longer. I hate reading in the pregnancy forum how women act like it's the end of the world if the due date is approaching and they haven't yet given birth. And maybe I am lucky in how I can and am enjoying this time, but I'm sure it's also because of doctors like him that treat that date as an end date, as a date that mustn't be passed.

But the more annoying part came when I told him I do not want to have a weight estimate. I did have one at 29 weeks where she was average and I do not want to know more than that. Besides not wanting to fear cesearian because of weight (and I do believe that unless I have a giant in there, which I don't, a big baby is no reason for a c-section), I do not want to fear birth because I know my baby is a big one, or thinking I will fly through because she is small only to be suprised by the pains. No, I prefer not knowing. So he goes on about how wrong it is not to know, and maybe I should just asked not to be told. That is completly not a possibility as besides defying not wanting it to be an "excuse" for a c-section, does he really think I can have a test done and not look at the result, not know? He talked about my pecularities, and then tried to make me feel guilty by saying how it is best for baby for doctors to know her weight. O.K, mother protection mode in full force. I do believe in my instincts in general and in my mother instinct here. I know she is fine, and no need to have a test that I feel will do me (and her, because if I will be tense at birth, so will she suffer from a longer and more agonizing birth) harm, just to show the doctors. No, doctors aren't gods (as he probably thinks..) and mothers do know best (and I can add that this is the same doctor that when I told him about my back pain, said there's nothing to do. never thought of saying anything about alternative medicine..).

And lastly GBS. He took a GBS culture and told me to hand it in at my local lab. He then realised the labs are already closed, so told me to hand it in tomorrow. Only upon leaving did I realize that the labs will be closed Tue-Wed (due to a holiday). So, hmmm... does it keep that long? do I keep it in the fridge or what!?

P.S
Not at my computer and no speller here, so pleased mind my mistakes.