P.S
I am still hoping to read the words - you have no new posts on your reader. Not anytime soon.. though with girl going to sleep much much easier and earlier, I am able to spend a bit more time on the computer :-).


Dear Paige nominated me to the Versatile Blogger Award (thank-you!). I'm going to be a rules' breaker and not post the rules.. Nor will I nominate any other blogger as I saw this award pass around North and South of the blogosphere (you know, being late does that..). However, if somehow you didn't receive the award (and would like to), please see yourself nominated!

Going with the milk version on this one:

1. I do not like to drink plain cow's milk. Never have. As a child my mum would force me to drink a cup of milk. I remember how I'd go to this friend, and was not allowed to play with her until I drank a cup of milk. But I am a huge fan of milk products, and add something to the cup of milk and I'll drink it away.
2. Breast milk on the other hand.. that's yummy! (of course I tasted it!)
3. Baby was born with breasts and.............. yes, in her first week or two of life she also had milk. Mum didn't but girl did..
4. There was a time in my life where I worked in a kibbutz in the cow's shed milking the cows. We would start our day with a cup of coffee and then proceed to our daily schedule (usually while the early morning milking was still in progress). On occasion when we didn't have milk for our cup of coffee we would take our coffee to where the milking was happening, and squeeze us some nice fresh milk.
5. Though had I known that pumping milk can hurt, don't know if I would have worked there.
6. And not an unknown fact about me, just want to add that there is nothing like doing those very early milkings and seeing the sun rise over the Dead Sea!
7. At one point I wanted to see how my child is on the breast, i.e if she latches properly. So I asked sis #6 to breastfeed her (I also wanted to try and breastfeed her one and a half year old, but well he wouldn't..) Wanted to ask a friend whose baby is exactly two months older than my girl to try and swap, but couldn't get round to asking her. Somehow it seems dirty and unclean and not done to put a stranger baby on your breasts, and not the thing to ask! (oh, and baby latched well).
8. Now that I'm getting to the unspeakable, I will tell you I tasted my milk straight from the source itself. Yes, I can do that! And as I said, it is tasty. I would drink a cup full if I wasn't saving every drop for daughter. And I breastfed myself (and yes, I do mean bring mouth to nipple) to see what and how it is like, and let me tell you, not easy. Did it again the other day when the pumping machine didn't work and she didn't nurse enough during the day and I was painfully full and leaking like mad, so I tried to relieve myself.
9. Wasn't too successful (hard work for too little milk for my big mouth!), so when girl stirred just a little in her sleep, I shoved my breast into her mouth. and oh, what a relief!!
10. 'boob' is a new word for me (I believe I learnt it her in Blogland, I knew the probably old 'bust'), and while I am o.k with using it, and used it while pregnant and all, now when I talk about breastfeeding, it just doesn't feel right..

So there you have it. And since I didn't post the rules, you do not know there were supposed to be only seven. ha!

Big girl

Food and other stuff

Well first of it's not really the 10th of October at 10:10! I am backdating because well I can. And since I didn't even realize this special date until it was gone I'm componsating now :-).
So today is actually Monday the 10th and it's just after 21:00! and I'm not all in tears and baby is asleep. Yes, you read correctly - asleep! And the winner is........... the dummy!


But food was what I wanted to write about, so lets start with food.
It is and was very important for me to breast feed Rolly Polly (see, I'm using her nick :-)) but unfortunatly, as you know, my damn body didn't produse enough milk and so I had to start her on formula. Some thing that was very difficult for me to bear. So difficult and I so don't have milk I saeted taking this pill which while helps, I still need to supplement with formula. And I really don't like giving her formula, can't wait to end it. On Saturday she turns 4 months and I'm hoping* to start her on solids with the aim of reducing and eventuallu eliminating formula (breast milk I hope to continue). And yes, it's going to take some time (not expecting her tomrrow to be formula free..).
I was debating whether to start with ceral or veggies. I do not want to give her bought ceral or to give it in a bottle. And obviously one ceral can be home made, but it sounds to me like a lot of work, so I'm going with veggies. I'm planning on starting with a carrot which I'll steam cook and then mush and give it once a day (when?) for about a week (if all goes well) and then continue to the next vegetable, and so on. And I'm kind of excited about this!

Going back to the sleep issue I had a hard time putting her to sleep, and was so frustrated. And then there was this lecture on babie's sleep I went to, and the lecturer talked about how when you do all those things I've been doing to get baby to sleep, how with time babies become immuned and need a higher level of stimuli to get to sleep and how the process gets longer. She said babies should be dependent on themselves for sleep and not on extrior factors. And she went on about how to do it - first step be near baby, touching him and picking him up when he cries and when calm putting back in bed and so on. Next step you sit further away, etc.
Well first step. To cut things short she would scream and I would go back to old methods of walking/rocking/etc and she would fight so fiercly, and I would crumble and put her on the playing mat wanting to get the hell out of here, and feeling how awful a mother I am and cry and cry and cry.

would. I do hope this narrative remains in the past tense.
So I finally bought a dummy (paccifier) and wow! It took about 45 minutes for her to fall asleep and I haven't shed not one tear! Funny how before giving birth , that was the one issue I was on the fence about. But then I gave birth and suddenly I was so much against it. About a week ago I was trying to figure why I am so much anti, as it is clear that girl loves to suck. I came to realize it was all about my boobs not working but at least able to comfort girl. I am not completly o.k with dummy (as I'm declaring it only for sleep), but it's a start..

And tonight I had a new realization. Sitting near her, watching her fight (you didn't think she went to sleep without a fight, now did you??), and it's not me she's fighting (I'm not holding her). And you know, now I see that it felt like she was fighting me. I know she wasn't, she was not kicking me, but it sure felt so. So dummy to the rescue :-).

P.S
Long post so I'll end here. And yes, should have probaly been called Sleep and pther stuff.

P.P.S
Thanks Dora fopr advice on bath. Tried it, but didn't really help.

P.P.P.S
I am soooo slow on my blog reading. Sorry guys!

* I still need to buy her a spoon plus a net (or whatever it's called) to steam the food)

sleep

Not mine, hers. She is so active and alert, always wants to see and learn about the world around her, and I so love that about her. Curious like her mother :-). But the downside is her not liking to go to sleep. Oh, how she struggles not to go to sleep! Tired and all, she still fights it, like sleep is her enemy (I try and explain to her that sleep is actually one of mums best friends..).

During the day she hardly sleeps (asleep now :-)), but oh the nights.. Well not exactly the nights because she usually (and stressing the 'usually' as last night was an unusuall bad night [probably why she's sleeping now..]) sleeps quite well at night. Ususally she wakes sometime between 3:00 and 5:00, when I nurse her on one side and she goes back to sleep. Then, maybe an hour later again she wakes, so I nurse her on the other side. Third time, if it's still early I try again and nurse her. Sometimes it works, but if not then a bottle and a look at the clock (she usually is down withen two hours later for a morning [and sometimes only] nap). This is from when I discovered I can nurse in bed. Before that, it would be getting out of bed, somtimes trying to nurse, sometimes a bottle, but once we're out of bed, it would take about two hours to get her back to sleep (as opposed to about 20 minutes when nursing in bed, plus I sometimes manage to doze while she sucks).

So it not so much the nights themseleves, but the getting there. As mentioned above, she fights going to sleep. She has a bath at about 21:00, then a bottle of pumped milk and then rocking her and singing to her and walking with her and being nervous at her [which how can your heart not melt when she smiles back at you??] and walking and swinging and singing and rocking and and and.. It will take about an hour and a half (on a good day), two to get her to sleep. 22:30, 23:00 is when she'll finally sleep. But then.. she'll wake every few minutes for another hour or so. These awaknings are easy to handle, as she goes back to sleep quickly, but oh.. getting her down for the night...
Sometimes I'm at wits' end how to get her to sleep because nothing seems to work*. But the only thing that I know will get her to sleep is time. Come eleven o'clock she should be at some stage of sleeping. It is so much easier when you know that you just have to let time pass (though not so easy when holding a ,clearly, very tired baby but who nevertheless fights you!).

I'd love to hear from you mothers how [guess who just woke and who is now typing with two fingers..] you get your little ones to sleep for the night (I don't even try getting her to sleep during the day. If it happens it happens..]. and how you got them to sleep when they were about three months old.

*I do not nurse her to sleep as she will wake the moment I pick her up. I was warned how I shouldn't nurse her to sleep as that will form bad habbits etc. No one ever mentioned I won't be able to do so...
[different when she awakes in the middle of the night, as my breasts then are more a dummy (pacifier) than a milk factory..]

before & after

Well first, I have a ROLLER! (o.k "half" a roller as only from tummy to back..). Three! weeks ago she accidently rolled for the first time and I was so happy [first step in gaining physical independence!], but since then - nothing. And then today, she rolled and rolled and rolled, and more importantly, she got it! no accidentaly rolling :-)).




She is three months old, i.e I am three months now in the role of a mother. Three months, only three months. Not a huge amount of time. And yet if you ask me, it seems like forever, like I am her mother now for two million and three years. And if you ask me about my life prior to having her, I honestly can't remember, it just seems so vague, to far away in the past.
Yes, becoming a mother is a h-u-g-e change in one's life, add to it not being an easy job, espcially not when done alone (and I have a lot of help from family, especially my mother, but it is not the same as parenting together with someone else). It just seems strange how such a short period has stretched out so much.

A friend who saw me the other day for the first time since G [I really need a nick for her. I think for now I'll call her Rolly Polly] came into my life, said I looked much happier, that when she saw me pregnant I seemed to her as usual but now I'm radiant. My first thought was what are you talking about!? It is hard work, hardly no minute to rest, it can't be I look happier. But you know what, yes, with all the difficulties [how frustrating can it be to get her to sleep..] I am a happier person. I wanted her ever so much and I craved for her and longed for her, but I also could not have imagined her. She is completly unlike what I thought my child would be, for good and for bad. It is weird that once I had no notion of who or what Rolly Polly is, I mean even when I was pregnant.

And just something I want to write about before I forget it.
All through pregnancy, I had this strong feeling like this little girl that's growing in me is not a new soul, but rather a very very old soul [I do believe that before birth my soul and her soul "agreed" that we'll be mother and daughter, same as any connection between two people is/was determined]. This feeling stayed with me through the first weeks of her life, slowly fading. I do believe that she came into the world as a wise old soul, with knowledge that exceeds our knowledge, but in this helpless little body. Maybe as a means of protecting the inocent little body from the cruelty of life as a new baby. As time goes by, this soul slowly retreats, letting the new body live it's life. At about six weeks I felt this soul [well not sure if soul is the right word] has gone, leaving my baby a clean slate, ready to begin her life on planet Earth as a human baby.

forgive me girl

Please forgive me girl for all the wrongs I did to you, am doing to you and will do to you.

Forgive me for being seperated from you right after birth. Forgive me for not being able to nurish you by myself and needing to supplement you with formula. Forgive me for forgetting every single night to take the bottle of my pumped milk out of the fridge in advance so that when we're finished with the bath, you'll have a nice warm bottle of my milk waiting for you (instead you have to wait while I heat it up..). Forgive me for prefering at times not to breastfeed you so that pumping will yield a nice number.. [twisted, I know].

Forgive me girl for taking you to pee when clearly you do not have to go, and forgive me for not taking you to pee when, for heaven sake! you need need need to go, oh, damn..... [but all those times we do get it right.. I marvel every time !].

Forgive me for leaving you with a nanny, and for letting her take care of you even when I'm home [and thank you guys for your comments on my last post!].

Forgive me girl for needing to distance myself from you to know how much I love you. To see the nanny, on my way home, with you, my little girl, in that pram*, and my heart just fills with joy. To come home and pick you up, and feel the softness and tenderness only a mother can have for her child, and remember all those mothers in books I read as a child, the little boy who finds comfort in his mother's shoulders , and her hair [oh, and forgive me girl if you inherited my very thick hair..], and now I am her. So forgive me girl for taking my time in being her, and as I said at the beginning of the paragraph for needing to not see you in order to see you.

And thank you for being such an amazing little girl! So active and full of life, and so so alert! And not a crier. Funny how you can be discomfort, and wiggling in my arms for over an hour, and I try this and that to calm you down, but at the end of the evening dad will note on what a great girl I have who doesn't cry at all.... And I will stop here because I probably could go on and on about you, my wonderful little girl.


* A funny story with my nephew's nanny - I was once walking home when this woman I knew (from teaching English, though she was not in my group) stopped me for a little chat. I talked to her not really paying attention to the pram or the baby inside, so it took me a few minutes to realise that's my nephew! [will just add that she was new on the job]. Oh, and suddenly when it darned to her I'm the baby's aunt, she soothed the crying infant..

Please don't tell me I'm a bad mother.

Don't have too many pupils this year, but when I hired the nanny I had to offer a certain amount of hours (couldn't say wait and see how I work and only then I'll know..). So some days I pay for a nanny while I'm actually home.
Today is such a day where I have an hour and a half just for myself. So instead of going to my place and saying hello to my girl, I went to my mum's place and made myself something to eat (I ususally hardly have time to eat), read some blogs (almost finished August! [Should also get updated on the forums..]) and (going to) pump. Oh, and rest would be nice but, but well that won't happen today.. While all these are important and great that I have (paid) time for such, kind of feels bad I don't go to say hello to my daughter. I don't want her to see me and to get confused and want to be with me etc, I also don't want nanny to start chatting with me on my free time (thus not letting me do any of the above).
O.K, the clock's ticking. Have an hour. Back to my meal..