Butterfly's Birthday

Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

Monday, 26 April 2010


So.. two years ago I started this blog. Two years ago I was nearing the end of my first two week wait (period for that first cycle began on the 1.4.08, April's Fools Day :-). Nice date to begin, no?). Two years and another year before that to get things going both technically and emotionally (taking folic acid as a first act; changing my medical plan; going to see a gynecologist for the first time [was terrified!]; appointments at sperm bank and fertility clinic; and basically internalizing the idea of becoming a single mother by choice using donor sperm). But two years ago I actively began on my voyage, taking me about a year and a half to conceive. And now in retrospect I know that's not such a lot of time (and some of you trying for longer than that), but it did look back then like eternal, and will I ever!?

I wanted to do some kind of change in the appearance of my blog, mainly to have a three column blog. But looking for such a template (free ones. I really don't intend on spending money on such), I couldn't find something where I can put my own into it. There were nice templates out there, some I was thinking that might do it, but they weren't "mine", and I couldn't personalize them (if I knew HTML I probably could have played around enough to my liking, but beyond knowing how to put a word in bold in a comment, I don't....). So I'll keep it as is.
I did add a new counter [which oops, added a day too early], one that shows on the blog itself how many readers by countries. I wonder in my next blogaversay, how many countries I would have been visited by! (right now it shows the country's map when you hover over the flag, but I'm not sure if that's a premium feature that will "vanish" in two weeks time when my "trial period" [have no intention of purchasing the premium] ends or will stay. I also think it will go to a basic white as I've seen on other blogs).

Funny how blogging goes with you a long way. Many times I would think, oh I should post about this and write a whole post in my head about whatever. Many times knowing that I will never actually write that post, just that fun of chronicling ones daily events in a post in ones head.. And other times when I do intend on posting but maybe am not currently in front of the computer, I would have the perfect wording, best way of phrasing, which will miraculously vanish when I finally try and put it down into writing. lol. And thank god for spell check, because there are too many words here that I know I misspelled! [and yes, also misspelled was misspelled..].

I'm scheduling this post to be posted at the exact same date and time as my first post :-).

Saturday, 24 April 2010

A Thousand Years Old

Picking up my nephew and doing the 15 minute walk home, there is always going to be a Ben10 "discussion" [well actually it is now more and more the new TV hero which I can't remember his (kind of makes me sad that almost all TV heroes are boys. Is there any girl hero out there fighting the evil ones!?) name]. Discussion in " " as he does all the talking. Frankly I'm quite sick of it.

And then lately there is also always something cute he says regarding age. Just for the record, he is almost five years old. In fact, he will turn 5 the day after I have my birthday (my sister's water broke on the way home from celebrating my birthday..) and a few days before my due date :-).
So the other day he explains to me that a thousand is bigger that a hundred, and that he wants to be a thousand years old! Funny how we are never satisfied with our age. When we are children we want to be older, as grown-ups we want to be children again. Good thing I didn't tell him that a million is even bigger than a thousand, because then he'd want to be a million years old, lol.
And then there's his friend O who is about half a year older than L (my nephew). I think all these age conversations started when O turned 5. L just couldn't get it how O is now 5 while he himself is stuck being 4.5! ERG, that is completely not fair! And it rots because O will already be 7 years old when L will finally be 5! And did I forget to mention that both are about the same height (both tall boys), so it really is wrong that the other boy should be five before he is?
And yes, maths is not quite with him yet, as when he'll be his brother's age (always looks up to his 14.5 old brother!), his brother will be 90 years old!
And lately his tooth started to wobble, so he is now most certainly older than O!

I love these conversations, love seeing into young children's way of thinking :-).

I think, really really not sure, could well be the med student syndrome, reading all the stuff about labour and all, but I think maybe I started having braxton hicks! And wow, that means I'm on the last stretch!

Friday, 23 April 2010


Timing wise, I think I'm kind of lucky. Actually, I am probably very lucky! I never did or didn't do a treatment because I would deliver at such and such a time because of course one never knows if this will be the cycle that works and whenever child is to be born, I'll deal with it (just get me pregnant). But well, happens that very good timing - I am self employed and as such won't get any maternity leave*. School year ends here at the end of June and resumes on the first of September. So shortly after I am due, there is the summer holiday in which I anyway hardly work** as most kids don't want to continue lessons. So I can have a nice three (give or take) month "maternity leave" before returning full steam to work. And there's my problem.

The first of September. I have to return to work, and what do I do with my girl? Day care is not an option as I start working in the afternoons (there are probably a couple of hours of a lap, but then what do I do after that? Besides, why put her in a daycare that starts early in the morning when I can be with her?!). The other option is some kind of nanny.
At one time there was a thought of me and my sister sharing a nanny, she wants someone to pick up the kids from kindergarten until she returns from work which would mean about a couple of hours of an overlap with nanny watching all three kids. And it really is not such a bad idea, except... For start I am not making a lot of money, so I prefer some young student and not an elderly experienced woman I know she'd like. I also very much DO NOT want my child in front of a TV at least for the first two years of her life, I even took the TV out of my house so it won't happen (and I'm living fine without one :-)). If here or there she gets a glimpse when at other people's house, fair enough, I can't stop the world, but not as a habit, not as an everyday thing [yes girl, a tough world you chose to come to..] and I know that there will be a lot of TV with my sister's kids. If I were the only employer then I could put my foot down and say no TV, but as it's also my sister, and her kids do watch TV, well..
So I want "my own" nanny. Someone young and inexperienced as I would be able to pay less. I actually do prefer someone young and inexperienced [my only concern is baby's neck/head stability, but usually by three months they can hold up their head]. I want someone who will let my kid get dirty and put this or that in her mouth and not tell her all the time don't do this and don't do that. I don't want someone who knows about kids and what you are supposed to do, rather someone who will feel/be free.
But well, kind of awkward hours I have to offer, not really good for students and not exactly full time. So finding someone might not be easy. I did ask my 21 year old niece to ask around her friends, maybe I'll also put a notice at the local high school though I'm not sure I want someone that young..
And then there is the question of hours. The beginning of the school year is usually quite slow, and it takes some time until I have a regular schedule. So do I offer from day one a "full" day or do I say lets flow with it? I am/did have a bad year this year but last year was a good one. Who knows what kind of year next year will be...

And I haven't mentioned cloth diapering. I plan on using mainly prefolds (well actually I do hope to do elementary communication, but don't expect nanny to, and even I probably won't do EC 100% of the time) which are very much like from the "old days" type of nappies. Personally I don't see it as such a bother, but in this fast world, where nappies are very easy put on and then tossed to the bin and that's it... Well I hope whoever I find won't have a problem with that.

So I am somewhat worried about the first of September. I do know I will find some kind of solution, just wish I knew now what/how.

* Well I actually could have if I were up front and paid income tax (shhhhh!)
** And let me tell you, it is really no fun as it means hardly any income.

Friday, 16 April 2010


=> Because after going to sleep (at about 2:30 am!) after posting my last post I was thinking whether I should keep it or delete it, and waking up in the middle of the night thinking I should delete it, but was way too tired..
=> Because I need something new and fresh to "cover" it (I will not delete something people saw and commented on..)
=> Because I saw this meme on SO MANY blogs lately, and why not, it is a nice one :-)

So here it is.
=>And because I have to be different:
=> And because I loved how Paige put her answers in colour, I'll copy her idea!

1. Yourself: Billy.
2. Your husband: who?!
3. Your hair: long
4. Your mother: neighbour
5. Your dog: dead
6. Your favourite item: bed
7. Your dream last night: serial
8. Your favourite drink: grapefruit-juice
9. Your dream car: wheels
10. The room you are in: house
11. oops!
12. Your fear: many!
13. What you want to be in 10 years: mummy
14. Who you hung out with last night: myself
15. What you're not: social
16. Muffin: dunno
17. One of your wish list items: licence
18. Time: morning
19. The last thing you did: sleep
20. What you are wearing: pyjamas
21. Your favourite weather: rainy
22. Your favourite book: hmmmm..
23. The last thing you ate: supper
24. Your life: messy
25. Your mood: hungry
26. Your best friend(s): lake
27. What are thinking right now: cats
28. Your car: my? :-o
29. What are you doing right now: typing
30. Your summer: mother!
31. Your relationship status: single
32. What is on your TV?: dust
33. What is the weather like: sunny
34. When is the last time you laughed?: when?

Annoyed and beyond

So, I had my appointment today with the endocrinologist regarding my TSH levels. This was one of those tests I was asked to do in order to be treated at the fertility clinic. This initial test was slightly elevated, so when I went to see my GP on another issue, I asked him about it, more as a possible cause to my total lack of energy than anything else. Granted he didn't know I was about to try to conceive, he told me it was nothing to worry about. Also the doctors at the fertility clinic didn't say anything about it, and it really was only slightly above range.

And then I proceeded to IVF and went to this private doctor. He was a nice guy and all (and more importantly he did get me prego!), but well.. I thought after the heart beat he will say bye bye to me. Nope, and not the next time or the next, until I finally put an end to it (because I really really couldn't afford him and really really didn't need him). Anyway more importantly for this post is the fact that every time he gave me loads of tests to do (and when I went to the new gynecologist after finally ditching him, he commented on all those tests I had done..), among them TSH. And the results, always borderline - sometimes slightly high and sometimes within the range. He never once said that might be something that needs to be treated.
New guy said I should see an endocrinologist. He said it's probably nothing to worry about (hence taking me a long time to pick up the phone and make an appointment [I actually even forgot about this!]).

So today I went and saw an endocrinologist. She was amazed that I am so far pregnant and nothing has been done regarding my TSH level. She explained how they don't like women getting pregnant with high levels, and it should have been balanced before hand. More so once I got pregnant it should not have been ignored.
When I asked her what could be the consequences, she said that it might effect the fetuses intelligence ability. She did carry on to say how these other women with a higher TSH level than mine who she sent to a specialist (something to do with fetuses' defects) were told by him that all is well, so most chances that my girl is okay. But then again, at week 33 it is too late to really do anything! (I am to start taking these pills, but as for my girly, she is already formed).

And beyond being more than annoyed that this doctor I saw, the one that ordered all those tests and that took good money from me, didn't even once say anything about my TSH levels, beyond that I am, well not really sure how I am feeling.
Most likely not, but my baby might be retarded or at least slow developmentally. I was very slow growing up. I believe it was more a social issue (I still lack very much social skills), but I do remember/know (how much do I actually remember of this and how much do I know from stories...) how my mother used to sit with me a lot! I started school a year later than most of the other kids (today it is quite a norm, if a child is not ready then s/he is kept an extra year in kindergarten. Back then.. I always felt shameful for being the oldest kid in class), and in the last few years I've discovered that they (who?) were thinking of sending me to a special education school, and only my mother fighting for me and sitting with me "saved" me from such a fate. And all these years growing up, I had my father calling me retarded (which long before I knew what it meant, I knew was something horrible).
And as I've said (and even bolded), most likely my darling daughter will be fine, but well.. those memories....

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

My Week

What a busy week! Almost everyday there's something. First it's completely back to routine after the Pesach holiday (kids returned to school last Wed after an almost three week vacation, so this is the first "real" week..), and my mother returning from a very long vacation in New-Zealand (my father returning in the next few days) and doing an L&D hospital tour, and seeing the nurse that now is once in two weeks (well actually this was/will be last/next week, not this week, but still feels packed [and I think it's time to make an appointment at the dr.]), and the specialist I have to see (an endocrinologist because of a slightly elevated TSH. I am not worried, just another thing to do..), and the SMC meeting next week.... oh, and started doing perineal massage this week. Full :-).

As for the tour I had yesterday - I was very pleased. First I got conformation to what I already knew, that they go with you on a natural birth, their aim is to please and if natural is what you want they will let you have it and not try and push you towards unnecessary medical interventions. Yes, there's no natural birth centre and the delivery rooms are quite small, but I think the human material is more important!
It was also good to see the place and know where the hospital is actually located, where the wards are and to get an overview of what happens when you come to deliver.
A slight minus was her (the midwife who gave us the tour) telling us that while they are all for homing, they cannot guarantee it. They will not put a woman who doesn't want rooming with one who does want it, and if there's a shortage of rooms, well.. (and I do take into account that the majority of women using this hospital, which is located in an ultra religious town, do not want rooming. Please let them have two or three quite nights before they go back to their seven, eight, nine, ten kids!). But if this is going to be the only big disadvantage, well, I think I'll live with that :-).
I liked how they are very strict with visiting hours. Upon entering (and putting my bag on the desk for a security check, so he probably didn't see my belly) I was asked where I was headed. When I said to the L&D he wouldn't let me in as it wasn't visiting hours. I then explained I'm for the tour, but it was nice to know. I do hear stories about other hospitals who don't force the visiting hours, and you might want to rest but your roommate still has visitors...
And I liked that it isn't a learning facility. No residents coming in every few minutes (making one of the most private events into a train station) and no poking their hands into my hooohaaa! Actually she said a doctor will come in once (and even then not necessarily do a physical check) and that could be it! I do not want a doctor at my birth.

At the first part of the tour, when the midwife was explaining stuff, I was thinking of doing a tour at another hospital. Namely the one near my house. A big and very good hospital (except, while they do have a natural birth centre [and charge quite a lot for it], their orientation is very much medical, so I am not even thinking of going there.) Anyway, I was thinking of going there to confirm what I do like at "my" hospital, and just to see a different perspective. But then we went into the nursery with all those day old babies, and.... Yeah, I'm probably hormonal and very emotional and my eyes get watery over almost nothing, but what a flood I had in that nursery! Couldn't stop myself, just felt like it was too much. I think I do not want to see a real (as opposed to a picture/photo of, that's somehow different) one day old baby until I come in to deliver mine! So I think I'll pass on another tour. Anyway as I said, I am more than pleased with them.

And I'll end with this interesting thing I've read. A short passage about psychophony (according to the text, a scientific field dealing with the human body as receiver and transmitter of sound). They say that the human voice is better received than electronic music, and that the pelvis is the best receiver, beeing like a big radar that absorbs sounds. So, according to this theory, the reason why baby moves head down, is to be closer to this big sound receiver. They say that in cultures where it is common and popular for the mother and the people around her to sing, it is more widespread for babies to be in a head-down position. But in our industrialized western society, with all this music from electrical appliances that we hear, that there is a big increase in breech position. An interesting theory, which makes me talk (they talked about the importance of talking to baby too) and sing all the more :-).

Friday, 9 April 2010


A dream:
Last minute, according to test results, it is decided that I need a surrogate, and sis #1 is willing to do the deed. Later on we both realize that it might have be too hasty a decision and that we didn't give it enough thought.
Anyway she didn't want to give me the child right away at birth, so I waited. Suddenly it was already two months after and I still haven't picked up my daughter. Sister says that if I feel any regrets, if I do not want my daughter, then she will be more then happy to have her. Obviously it was difficult for her to "give up" her/my daughter. I think it was here where she showed me the first hour glass, hinting how time has passed. I think we had some kind of event (not related), so I tell her I'll just have a shower and then I'll take her (because I want to be nice and clean for this special event of holding her for the first time), and of course I would want to take her, she is my daughter and I've worked hard to get her! But inside wasn't feeling this gushy motherly feeling. So I have this shower (which my father had just torn down the old one and rebuilt on the opposite side of the corridor and what did he do with the shampoo and conditioner??) and towards the end of the shower again sister shows up with this hour glass, indicating that it is taking me too long.
So I get out of the shower and tell her that she can put my daughter down and that I'll keep an eye on her while I'm getting dressed. I think she had this funny look saying don't you want to pick up your daughter? And I think I was feeling this strange thing towards this little baby girl, definitely not a feeling of bonding. Anyway as I get dressed (outside where family members where gathering [oh, in the shower scene there were also these three guys, but it really was not about my nudity as it is not here]) (in an orange T-shirt and trousers. The T-shirt is one I actually have :-)) my daughter is down there crawling around the other kids. At one point I can't find her and I begin to worry, but then it seemed that in a split second that I was not looking she crawled behind someone and all was well. I think at this point I realised that she is only two months old and definitely shouldn't be crawling, lol. But you know, I was in no hurry to pick her up, didn't feel like she's mine. I think my sister again mentioned that if I don't want then she'll be more than happy to have her.
And of course I haven't forgotten my blog.. not sure when, but somewhere towards the end I was thinking of this title I'll put in my blog announcing her. "Good Morning Sunshine" (from the musical Hair) was the one chosen :-) [yes, it should be Starshine, but you know...]

Overall there was this strong feeling of not feeling any bond to this little girl. However she came to the world, she is my daughter and I should have some feelings towards her but I don't.
I would like to add that while at the beginning of my pregnancy I feared I'm not feeling much towards my little girly, this is not the case now. I talk to her a lot, sing to her, pat and play with her on my belly. And I love love love watching (and feeling) her move around (dancing :-) ). But maybe I am fearing what happens after birth. I am so enjoying the now, don't really want her to be born. And I think as of late I am starting to fear something going wrong and having to deliver earlier than what should (probably reading too much "wrong" questions/answers on this pregnancy board). And I wonder if deciding that next week I'll go to tour the hospital I want to deliver at (and last night, writing the details of where and when this tour takes place and the questions I'd like to ask) had something to do with the dream..

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Cat Door

[Not one of my cats, doesn't even resemble any of them. Just a google image I've found..]
Cats. Got quite a few of them.. maybe a bit too many, but until a few days ago felt pretty much under control. A while back I fixed all the females, so no new kittens and some of the cats decided to find someplace else to live and I was fine with that. One of these cats is Patch. I have no idea why he decided one day to take his things and leave, and I'm sure it took me quite some time to realize he's gone. In the last few weeks I saw him once or twice in the neighbourhood. I tried approaching him, but he run away. O.K, so he forgot me, and I do not need an extra cat. But then a few days ago he came back, seems like to stay. He hardly leaves my house, fights with the other cats over food (I think he's beginning to calm down) and probably wants me to stroke him 24/7 (I do stroke him a bit, but try not too much). I am not liking his return, and somehow feel like again I'm starting to have cat problem.

Even before his return, I was thinking of having a cat door. I hardly close my front door so as to let them come and go as they please (no sand box! no dealing with their litter!), yes even at night I sleep with an open door, and even most of the winter the door was open (but then again was that really a winter!? hardly!). Actually it's more of a nuisance in the summer with all the mosquitoes. Anyway having an open door was/is o.k for now, it will not be when I have my girl. So (besides putting screens on the windows) I was thinking of adding a cat door to my front door.

Up till now was thinking of a simple door, just so I can keep my door closed and they can come and go freely. With Patch's return, I started thinking of having one of these doors that recognize the cat/s that are allowed. My thought was that I will allow six of the cats access to my house. The others I will feed outside, hoping they find someplace else to live (probably by slowly giving them less food).

But then these thoughts - isn't that a bit cruel? And the cats that are allowed, I understand it's done with a collar with a magnet. I really hate the idea of putting a collar on them, hmmmm I will probably live with that, but I understand the magnet could be a bit big and probably not the most comfortable thing. And I heard it attracts all sorts of metals (well, a magnet..) and I'm sure it will get lost more than once. So I am not sure I'm liking the idea. Not to mention that such a door (and all the extra collars I would need) is much more expensive than a regular cat door.

Hmmmm.. yesterday I was quite sure I'd go with such a door. Doing a little research on the net and I think more so writing this post, I think I'll go with a simpler cat door. Thanks for listening :-).