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Tuesday, 27 January 2009


Not so long ago I read this most fascinating book (Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes) about a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. I remember the feeling of identification with her social difficulties. So when it was bluntly hinted that I might be on the spectrum, I was thinking - maybe yes, maybe that's the source of my difficulties.
But.. assume I am. Then what? Does that mean I can't have kids!? Does that mean I take a magic pill and puff I'm O.K!? It was mentioned that I deserve to have a name for my problems. A tag?? Hell no. I have been tagged as different and unusual and strange all my life. I had my dad calling me retarded as a child and kids nicknaming me at school and all. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal in the last few years, I definitely do not want a new tag over my shoulders saying - different. And yes, attempting to be an SMC might, is, still not a path most people take, but a path to motherhood is still a path into normalcy.
Assuming still that I am, it was queried whether any woman who wants to be a mother can. I would have to answer with a "yes" and a "yes" and yet again a "yes"! O.K there are extreme cases when the answer most certainly should be a "no" like a teenager who fancies a baby because babies are cute tomorrow thinking that puppies are cute, or cases where there might be an ethical dilemma like a severely retarded woman. But other than that, if a woman wants a child, if a woman goes over the mountain and beyond in order to have that child, then yes, she deserves to have that child. More than that, her child definitely deserves to be born to a mother who wanted him* and craved for him and loves him.

But then again, I most probably am not on the spectrum (and "probably not" will suffice me with carrying on with my life as before. I really don't think I need to have any diagnoses done or whatever. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on things. In fact, it's the waiting between cycles that pulls me down. When no child can be seen in my future, when hope is too far in the distance, I sink, I lack motivation and will and strength to do anything [and yes, I know it should come from within but that does not mean I will be a terrible mother or that my child will suffer and we are working on that at therapy]). I have my difficulties and my issues, but I am not an Aspereger.
Just reading the link about this woman, and how she doesn't understand her kids, how when they cry she has no idea why so she technically goes through possibilities (i.e she first tries to feed then change the nappy, etc.). Not understanding young children couldn't be further than who I am. While I do have trouble communicating with adults, I most certainly do not have any problems when it comes to kids. I am known to bond easily with the young ones. And many times I feel I understand kids better than their own parents. To say that I will harm a child? To indicate that I won't understand their needs??
And yes, I am feeling strong now. I have cycled, done what I can and now I wait (hmmm... only 4 days have gone by!? This is going to be a very long TWW! MeAndBaby - How are you doing?). I am now motivated and am doing. I can proudly state that 2 cats are fixed (2 more to be fixed) and have started on my house. I am even proud of how I dealt with cats, how I overcame my shyness and embarrassment and asked someone to use their phone, and how I managed to go back and forth to the vet with a heavy cage both on Sunday (taking) and Monday (returning) in order to fix the cats. So yes, I know that I will be a good enough mother.

* him... her... whatever comes :-)

Friday, 23 January 2009

...and lighter

Thank you all you Lost & Founders for stopping by. I am much much better, but it still fills the heart to see so many who care enough to stop by.

Doctor was late (in fact, very late) for the insems this morning ( On a Friday they come to the clinic from the hospital. I gather he got caught up there, but he was at least 2 hours late), which meant I had to find someone to pick up Jupiter [I was sitting there anxious - will I make it on time? I really didn't want Jupiter spending the weekend there. I finally asked someone to borrow their phone to call my sister, but forgot her number (might I add - a very easy number!). Eventually I did call her and have that worry off of my chest] and well came home to late for work. Oh well.. (at least I did the grocery shopping).

While waiting at the clinic, I was even (God forbid) getting excited! I was last to be inseminated (probably because I bring the sperm and then go to have some breakfast, so I'm kind of last to come.. LOL, really doesn't bother me). Doctor comes in, with me already ready for him, with my feet wide open in his direction and asks (might I add while he was still standing): "How are you?". I mean it is nice that I am not a number (and since he was so late they had to quickly do one after the other) and that he shows interest, but please, no chit-chats when my privates are your view..

Anyway insem was O.K. I lay there afterwards closing my eyes, relaxing (but after about two minutes decided that's it and got up and dressed. Funny, I really don't believe in the necessity of laying still 20 min after insem. But hell I won't go to the toilet as long as I can, just in case sperms might slip out...).
Got up and dressed, and felt so l i g h t. I felt good and positive and happy, I even "Shabbat Shalom"ed the guard when leaving the building (and I'm not too good on greetings..). So yes, I am feeling positive now. Don't necessarily know if this cycle will work out or not, but that doesn't matter, because hey I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!

Thursday, 22 January 2009

On a lighter note (but heavier arms..)

I call Jupiter (my cat) a king, because that's what he is. He doesn't associate with the riff raff, rather comes and goes as he pleases. He loves being pet, but likes to play hard to get (well, if you insist on stoking by beautiful fur, I might just let you. Hmmm, would you mind stoking under my chin?). And he has a right to be a king. He's with me long before the others (he's 4.5 and I had him since he was 2 days old!) and is here for keeps. Anyway lately he's been snuggling up a lot, and even, lo and behold, spending the night here. I assumed it was because it's kind of winter (winter? could have fooled me.). But I had a feeling he might not be well, that he wasn't really eating (kind of hard to tell with all the cats), and then last weekend he looked at me in a way he doesn't, and well off to the vet.

Taking him there.. had to borrow a cage from the vet. Managed quite easily to get him in, even though he is not used to such things (he is such a good cat!) and headed to the vet. Did I mention that the vet is a 15 minute walk from my house? Well, hmmm, that would be without this heavy load on my hands (he's a big guy. Seems he weighs 6.7 KG - exactly a tenth of me.. not to mention the weight of the cage) which is very inconvenient to carry by handle. To make things easier, he really didn't like the idea of being caged, and was not going to sit peacefully while cars zoom by us and people, lots of people, and my sister's dog who liked the idea of a walk. Oh no, he twisted and turned in the little cage, tried as hard as he can to escape. Which eventually, yes, he succeeded. Luckily we were a few steps from the clinic. I put the cage down on a stone wall in order to rest my aching arms, and in doing so must have released a valve. I managed to catch him and carry him with one hand, holding the cage with the other. Really lucky it happened close by, because I don't think I would have been able to make it (my greatest fear is him running into the street and getting run over). Anyway, after looking at him, they send him home with me and told me to bring him in the next day (he needed an operation). Ooh so now we had to do this journey not only one more time, but two more the next day! And... well while I was at there, I tried asking if they know of anyhow to get rid of cats. Kind of told me that all organizations are full and won't accept cats, and that it's my "fault" for feeding stray cats. So I ended up booking the 3 females to be fixed (they had a 3 for the price of 2 deal). At least let me not have any more new cats. I'm to bring them on Sunday and Tuesday. I figured I would do 2 on Sun and 1 on Tues as I am more pressured for time on Tue. And I am thinking, yea another 6 more trips with a heavy and very uncomfortable bundle (those cages were sure not made to carry cats!), but maybe somewhat easier since Jupiter is indeed the biggest (he is the king!).

So this evening I went to collect J. He still hasn't completely woken up and they prefer if he stays the night. Which means... early morning go have my IUI, come and pick him up and then go off to work, all in kind of a tight schedule. Oh and I need to do some grocery shopping for the weekend, which being a half-day, can't be done after work but has to somehow fit in in between.
And the good news is that they want me to bring him in for a check-in on Sun. Hmm, so: 1*2 on Tue + 1*1 on Wed + 0*0 on Thurs (phew) + 1*1 on Fri + (3*2)+1 on Sun + 1*2 on Tues = very heavy arms!


Trying to write why and what happened/is happening. I was crushed and pounded by someone who put a big mirror in front of my face and said hey, you are not ready (now) to have a child, to take care of one. You should first deal with issues like my complete lack of energy and motivation to change things. For example my mess, and to say "mess" would be an understatement, it is really bad what is going on here. It bothers me a lot, this condition in which I live in, but am not doing too much to change it. Yes, I do ocasionally have sprouts and start working on my place, but never managed to complete, and then it always goes back to its bad condition and even worse. I do earnestly believe that even if I don't manage to have it under control until I get knocked up, that knowing that I have to and there is no time to play will push me. But what if not?
I was so hurt by this person. Now I am angry and hating her, and feeling so empty emotion wise (which is another issue - am I such an emotionless being, or do I bury them so deep down so as not to get hurt). The bottom line of this person is that currently I am unfit to parent (and please don't tell me that I am. You only know the things I choose to portray, my "good side". This person does know me very well and knows all my faults) and that I should have a break from my TTC efforts to work things out which should also be done with the help of pshychriatric medication (something for anxiety?).
I don't know, maybe there is this magic pill that will do wonders on me. Maybe there is something out there that can helo me. I woke up next morning feeling that maybe yes (but then was very angry at her for stalking me here). So maybe I should take a break? And then there's my psychologist who is due sometime ealry summer, which means quit seeing her or having a long break, so seeing a new guy (i.e psychiatric) probably won't be too bad.
And now I have this cycle going on, and should I continue or not.. Because what if it does work out and I don't manage to sort things out by the time baby comes? They surprised me yesterday by telling me to come in on Friday for an insem. Did think I would have more time to think (Fri will be CD 12) and now it's rush rush rush. Had to quickly get my HIV result (most blood tests results are updated on the web site. HIV goes directly to the reffering doctor) so that the new bank will let me have sperm. Almost seemed like I left it too late and so aids spoke as to postponing treatments. And there's the Ovidrel which I haven't yet bought and should really go now and get it instead of typing this post..
So yes, I will finish this cycle. What then, I really don't know. I am very much skeptical about the chances of this cycle working. It is also on neutral grounds that I'm feeling it won't work (pessimistic me), but also since it seems a bit early (I assume my blood results showed I'm nearing ovulation, but I don't even want to know) and I only have one leading folicle which was 16 on Wed morning (and I am with hormones, but might have started too late, and of course that day I skipped didn't help..).
I will carry on also because I need 3 medicated cycles before being approved to move on to IVF (this being the 3rd). So I will do this cycle, assume it won't work, and then have all the bureaucracy and new tests and whatever before being able to move on to an IVF cycle, so maybe then I should/would/could seek help.
And I don't want to stop all and go on whatever medication just because X said. And right now it is very much X saying and pushing and pressuring. It kind of seems that for X this is the only possible solution, that she knows what is better for me more than I do.
And I think the main reason is the issue of time. I so feel like I don't have any. I am not even talking about wanting more than one child. I am very scared that if I tarry (is that the correct word?) that I might just miss the train, that I'll never be able to be a mother. She says just postpone, but I feel that I don't have any time to "just"postpone, if I do so I will miss out on motherhood. And doing this means finding a psychiatric (O.K I will play along and assume that tomorrow I will find one), and opening up to a new guy. I really don't think I want to spill my guts to somebody new, and the time it will take to do so before he will be able to prescribe anything. And of course while on medication I won't be able to try and conceive, and did I mention that I really don't have time?

Thank you all for your kind words on last post. It so warms the heart..

Monday, 19 January 2009

threw my prenatals and damned folic acid.
not even going to inject myself.
it's not going to happen and probably for a good reason. i'm just not worthy of motherhood.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

can't get rid of the cats

It is such a mess here and I'm dying to do something about it, but I can't do anything with all the cats here. It will just return very quickly to its previous state. And I know I just can't become pregnant with how things look here. Actually, I would rather not. I mean I don't want to have to do all the cleaning and tidying when I'm queasy and and vomiting and all the first trimester lot. When I'm pregnant I would like to be free to accommodate it for the baby, like bed stuff and enlarging my shower. You know, nesting...
So my first aim is to get rid of most of the cats here. I fixed Michelle, and I also have Jupiter who is fixed. They are the ones who of course will stay with me. As for the rest...
I asked sister #5 a while ago to help me with it, and got a not so thrilled yes from her. Didn't hear from her about it since. In the meantime I heard of someone who had these people come to her house to take the cats. Of course I was thrilled, but turned out they only took them to have them fixed and then returned them. Not good. So I was planning of getting a cage, something large enough for two or three cats (maybe a dog's cage?) and doing a few rounds to some kind of animal organization. I am most concern of the female cats, as I have damn well enough cats here already and the last thing I need is more kittens (and no, really can't afford to have them fixed). Of course I would need help, as I don't drive, and sister #5 is the only one I can turn to for help. And believe me, it took a long time for me to be able to turn to her and tell her how I can't with all the cats and how I would appreciate her help.
So tonight I spoke to her. Rather she phoned me regarding me and my mother and talked about how in our family we don't say what we really mean. Kind of ironic. Anyway I asked her again, and was, am so frustrated. I don't seem to be able to do anything about the cats. She first said 3 cats (there are 3 females) won't fit in one cage, and then that they'll fight all the way. We are talking about a one trip, which might take about 45 minutes, but well.. She then wanted me to phone one of the organizations and ask for their advice. Sorry, but that's not going to happen. I am stupid, immature, unsociable, need a lot of growing up to do, but I will not make that phone call (or many other calls for that matter). I just know I won't. And she kept nagging me why not. Really annoying.
And so frustrating that I don't seem to be able to get rid of them.