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Thursday, 16 September 2010

forgive me girl

Please forgive me girl for all the wrongs I did to you, am doing to you and will do to you.

Forgive me for being seperated from you right after birth. Forgive me for not being able to nurish you by myself and needing to supplement you with formula. Forgive me for forgetting every single night to take the bottle of my pumped milk out of the fridge in advance so that when we're finished with the bath, you'll have a nice warm bottle of my milk waiting for you (instead you have to wait while I heat it up..). Forgive me for prefering at times not to breastfeed you so that pumping will yield a nice number.. [twisted, I know].

Forgive me girl for taking you to pee when clearly you do not have to go, and forgive me for not taking you to pee when, for heaven sake! you need need need to go, oh, damn..... [but all those times we do get it right.. I marvel every time !].

Forgive me for leaving you with a nanny, and for letting her take care of you even when I'm home [and thank you guys for your comments on my last post!].

Forgive me girl for needing to distance myself from you to know how much I love you. To see the nanny, on my way home, with you, my little girl, in that pram*, and my heart just fills with joy. To come home and pick you up, and feel the softness and tenderness only a mother can have for her child, and remember all those mothers in books I read as a child, the little boy who finds comfort in his mother's shoulders , and her hair [oh, and forgive me girl if you inherited my very thick hair..], and now I am her. So forgive me girl for taking my time in being her, and as I said at the beginning of the paragraph for needing to not see you in order to see you.

And thank you for being such an amazing little girl! So active and full of life, and so so alert! And not a crier. Funny how you can be discomfort, and wiggling in my arms for over an hour, and I try this and that to calm you down, but at the end of the evening dad will note on what a great girl I have who doesn't cry at all.... And I will stop here because I probably could go on and on about you, my wonderful little girl.

* A funny story with my nephew's nanny - I was once walking home when this woman I knew (from teaching English, though she was not in my group) stopped me for a little chat. I talked to her not really paying attention to the pram or the baby inside, so it took me a few minutes to realise that's my nephew! [will just add that she was new on the job]. Oh, and suddenly when it darned to her I'm the baby's aunt, she soothed the crying infant..


MommieV said...

I often whisper "i'm sorry" to her when she's asleep on my shoulder for similar reasons.

I totally get the paragraph about needing time away to appreciate time with. I think that's key to being a single mom is being able to take the time for a little space. It makes you appreciate the 'coming home' SO much.

Tiara said...

My gosh! This post made me cry...it was so beautiful & captured soe well what I'm sure so many Moms feel! I hope you don't mind, but I've printed it & put it in my keep file!

Paige said...

I'm choked up as well. So beautiful to read. I remember the frustration of just a few weeks ago. You've come through the tunnel to the better side. Little girl is very lucky to have such a momma.

Jess said...

Beautiful post!!! :)

Genkicat said...

You have nothing to be forgiven for. And I agree - gorgeous post.

Laraf123 said...

Oh, gosh, I should be saying these things to my children. Mommy guilt is awful yet unrealistic. It's also universal. We tell each other not to feel guilty but then go home and berate ourselves...

Look at your little girl, really look at her. She is doing wonderfully and she loves you more than anything else in the world.