Butterfly's Birthday

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Thursday, 16 December 2010






Friday, 10 December 2010


What terrible news. She (she, because I doubt she'll be reading this blog anytime soon) is almost all the time in my thoughts. How can such a thing happen!? And more so, how can it happen just after a woman starts feeling baby moving and the joy it brings, and then finding out she's having a boy. To say how unfair it is, will be an understatement.

That is single mothers by choice. Choice. I won't go into the Hebrew translation/semantics (kind of complicated to explain), but in brief there is a word (well exact me has to say compound word..) to talk about a person (mainly woman) who is the only or main care taker of her kids, be it by divorce or becoming pregnant through donor sperm etc. I think in English single mum also refers to it all. Then this new word was coined with the meaning of the woman (or man, but that's too rare) who is the only parent of the kid, there's no one else in the background. And I like this word and use it to describe myself. But then they also added - by choice. And well... there was recently a discussion about it on my board, because someone stated how she doesn't like the 'by choice', as she didn't see what choice she had. Most of the woman said she did have a choice, how she could have probably compromised on such and such a guy or went to shared parenting etc. I am with that woman on that that having a kid alone was not so much a choice but life circumstances. The same thing about choice could be said about many other paths we take/don't take in life. For example, at one time I very much wanted to be a pathologist. Circumstances more than anything, and I didn't become one. And it's not a bad or a good thing. As for the word choice in Single Mothers by Choice, I see it as describing my motherhood and not how I got there (single). I chose to become a mother. I didn't choose to become a single one. And just to clarify, I am not saying it's a bad thing or that I'm miserable etc. I couldn't be any happier than I am now, choice or no choice.

I very much expected baby to pop out of me and me to feel tremendous love for her, because you know, I've been waiting for this little girl to come into my life for such a long time, from long before I knew I could do this and that I could do this on my own. Too many years of dreaming of her/him. So of course I'd love her the moment she enters the world! More so that I was bonding with her during pregnancy. But then maybe it was the horrid birth and maybe those first very difficult months, and maybe those are just excuses, but I didn't feel love for my little girl. I cared for her a lot and would do anything for her, but it wasn't love. Not sure when I started actually loving her, but today? I love this little girl to pieces, I love her to the moon and back and back again. I just love love love her. And I try telling her how I love her, so she'll grow up with that word on her lips :-).

I think mostly when I mentioned breastfeeding, it was in a negative context. Well, I just want to say how so very much I am lately enjoying breastfeeding my little girl. She is hard to breastfeed as she grabs and pokes and pulls and you name it with those little hands of hers, but shhhh... I am here now to tell you how I love it. How I look at her on my breast, how she claims that soft tissue to be hers! And I love that, love how natural it is for her, how it calms her, how it feeds her, how it's just there for her and how she knows it!

a crawler
yikes! I knew it would come early (she is so very active and achieved previous goals early too) and for some time knew any minute she should actually be crawling and not going backwards or doing the jumping thing she does to advance. And while it's not so easy as the floor (laminated) is too slippery, more so with it being winter and the trousers, but omg! She now can get anywhere she wants! And I am so behind on the child proofing!

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Dear Paige has just lost her baby. Please go and be with her.
Obviously I won't do my small miracles post.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

miracles.. day#3

The nanny. I'm not over the moon with her. She's o.k for the job I guess, simple as she is. When I was searching for a nanny, I wanted someone young and full of energy. I didn't care for experience (on the contrary, preferred none), but the women who came to be interviewed.. The one before my nanny might have had many years of experience, but, hmmm.. was quite old and grumpy slow and heavy going. To tell the truth, I just saw her and it was a no. And I was in a kind of despair if that's what I'll find.
And then my nanny came. And while not exactly the youngster I was looking for, she is still young enough and mostly she seemed with a positive attitude to life. Now that's something I'd like my girl to be around.. She always greats us with a big hello, always seems happy to see Butterfly.
Another thing - I don't work on school holidays. Most of the nannies I've interviewed had a problem with that, but what can I do!? As it is I am squeezing my badget to pay for the nanny, so to give out money when I'm not getting any?? Well turns out this nanny has another morning job and also a son in school. She prefers having school holidays off so she can be with her son!
And might I add that I found her really in the last moment??

Friday, 3 December 2010

miracles.. day #2


(need I say more?)

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Hanukkah, 8 days of small miracles. Day #1

I'm stealing Shannon's week of thankfulness and turning it into eight days of small miracles, as it is now Hanukkah, the festival of miracles. Let's see if I can come up with 8 small miracles. You are welcome to join the fun and come up with your miracles!

So day one. I'll keep the obvious one for tomorrow because today was a first:-).
I have the cats who now live outside. I am actually now hardly with them, I more or less just feed them. But even feeding them is not so easy with a little baby in my arms. So I have to put her down in the house, go down and out to feed them and back to her, which means they get fed whenever I can. I keep telling them this is momentary, that as soon as Butterfly will be able to sit, it will be easier as I would just put her down by my side while feeding them. [and might I add that it probably won't be too long now, as when she's on six, she goes down into a sitting position but still has her hands on the floor. Can't wait for her to sit!] Anyway, as she can be on six, it occurred to me today that I can put her (gently as outside tiling are rough..) on six and feed the cats. Stupid, maybe, but it felt today like a new world is opening with what the girl can do, a little miracle :-).

EDT - So not a miracle.
Seems (and I so don't listen/read/see news so I only just heard this) there is a big fire up north and a bus with prison guards was on the way to help (I think to evacuate a nearby prison) and the bus got cought in the flames, and 40 people (all?) were burnt to death. Too sad.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Hard for me to admit, to myself let alone blog world. But I think I have to let it out "in the open" in order to be honest with myself. I was wrong. Maybe, perhaps, possibly I could have had by now a fully breastfed girl instead of feeding her mainly on formula (though one thing good came out of it - no problem feeding her a bottle, so no problem with nanny feeding her..). I am all the time fighting it [and yes, at 5.5 months it is still a very big issue for me, can't just put it behind me and carry on like people tell me to do], all the time trying, but perhaps not hard enough. Many times I would be adamant and try again doing only/mainly my breast and then feel so terrible for letting her go hungry. It is so engraved in me that I don't have milk that though as I said I do try from time to time, many times I would just let her have the bottle, scared I'm starving her. Been to La Leche meeting the other day (and I'm sorry I hadn't gone in the first few months, might have made a difference..) and they said something about how in the early days there was a foundation to that fear of me starving her, as she really was skin and bones. But while that "danger" has long gone and my daughter is very much a healthy looking girl, I'm still over there. So once again I'm trying.. yes, by now I hardly expect to give up formula completely, but still hoping to increase breastfeeding. The growth spurt we had the other day also helped. In previous ones she mainly slept, this time no sleep but for two whole night she was non stop on my breasts. Made me realize that it's not too late, that I can still fight for it.

I mainly breast feed her at night*, also because I work, but also as I said, fear of starving her (at night I take into account that it's not a feed..). And unfortunately I kind of lost the ability to read signs of hunger (we are also having now a terrible time with EC at the moment**, but that's for another post [which I'm not planning on writing...]). That's what happens when you go by numbers, and I was so fighting that, so didn't want to know how much and when she drinks, but so hard to ignore when you bottle feed.

What's hard to admit it that maybe if only I breastfed her more, if only I pumped more.... I know I had a very difficult start, completely not how I imagined those early days of motherhood. I think it's a lot to do with the birth that went very much wrong and being in pain and not being able to do the breastfeeding and a nursing consultant whom I don't think did too good a job. But yes, those are all excuses.. The truth is I did not breastfeed nor pump enough. And yes, there were times when baby was fussy/crying and I didn't know what was bothering her and mother would say she's hungry or needs comfort and that I should try the breast and I would be so angry at her because I just fed her... If only I knew then what I've since read, how babies, in those first few weeks, can be really literally all the time on the breast. And comfort.. if you ask me today for any advice, I'd tell you to breast feed to sleep [of course if you intend to breast feed..]. I was so talked out of it, so told how I would be creating bad habits, and I'm so sorry we've only now started doing so. I do think if I breastfed her to sleep from the beginining, that our nights would look different, in a positive way. And I know I didn't do enough pumping. It hurt and with her hardly sleeping and me not being able to just let her be awake and alone (easier nowadays when she can do so much more, minimum being able to look and focus on things. Then it seemed wrong).

And there's no where in particular this post is going. As the astrick indicates, I started this post feeling very bad about realising how it was more my doing us not being able to breastfeed solo, but now a minute before solids [and though I've started vegetables tastings, I put that now on a break] I am trying once more to "push" my breast (and with the understandings I now have, I think I'm doing a better though not best*** job).

* since I started writing this post, am trying very much again to also breastfeed in the mornings and less to give her a bottle

** back to better again :-)

*** o.k this is totally unrelated but anyway.. I love it when I teach a pupil a new word and they say how they know it from such and such a game or more often they would say - so that what it means... [and sometimes they learn a word and "know" it's meaning. except.. of course 'play' means start, why, you always have to press the 'play' button when you want to start the game..]. Anyway we had today the word 'best', and so the boy says like the song 'Single Best'. Hmmmm... never heard of that song. I'm trying to break my head, maybe he means a single by the name of best? (not that I heard of such a song). But he insists, no, Single Best, you know, the song for Christmas....... (the one, later he told me, which he plays on the guitar). You do know he meant Jingle Bells.....

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

I love my daughter very much, but being with her most of the day doing nothing special can be quiet a bore. On a side note I will mention that I am so not looking forward for Hannuka next week as not only will I not be working, but both my mum and sis #3 (and family, both my neighbours) will be away. Eight days of being solo with girl for 24 hours. Anyway, it's hard keeping an infant entertained, and while I do believe with (besides play time) having her join me in the house chores, easier said than done as I can't do much with her on the sling (try washing the dishes with a big bump on your front..).
Well the other day my sister told me about this free class they have for infants at the mall. First time (two weeks ago actually) I went and the two of us had a (somewhat as she was quite shocked) nice time. It was nice getting out and refreshed and nice meeting other mothers with thier babies, although the volumn was so high one can hardly have a conversation, and being a shy one I need a lot of warming up. Not sure if I'll go every week, but I think every other week could be something nice for us to do.

And today.. Well homeschooling is something I want to do, but you know, I have a l-o-n-g time for that. But then I happen to hear of groups that meet and decided to join one in a nearby town. Then I hear the group is for babies and kids up till the age of six! So I won't be the odd one out with a baby, and I won't be too early on the scene. I went along today, and there were quite a few mothers with babies (most first timers like me!), and I so enjoyed myslef! I thought we'd be talking home education, but we new mothers stuck mainly to sleeping and nursing and feeding etc lol. I think it's not so much discuusing issues, more a social outlet, for kids to meet others like them, for mothers to get out a bit from the usuall daily routine. Not sure what happens with the older kids, but hey, have time for that... I will most certainly go again!
So now we have our homeschooling group on Tuesdays, and on every other Thursday the music/movenment class. Life's begining to be a bit more interesting :-).

If only I could solve her sleeping not sleeping issues. Errrrr.....

Sis #3 found a picture of her daughter E. E doesn't look too much like her mother (though I think she does look like her mother when she was a little girl). My daughter also doesn't look like me. Me and sister look quiet alike. That picture? Copy my daugther! If I wouldn't have known better I'd say it's G and not E!

All those spelling mistakes - look at P.S number 1! (and I definitely not going to do anything about them now!)

Thursday, 18 November 2010


Yes, another sleep post.. probably a short one because, well.. I'd like to go to sleep....

It got better, very much better although I still think there was room for improvement, and then....... it's getting bad again.
It's about ten o'clock now. It was only at nine that she finally fell asleep. Eight was my happy hour until very recently. Eight o'clock was when I knew I had my little time for myself, to have supper, a bit of computer before going to sleep (alas I'd tell myself two hours, but as a night owl I couldn't just go to bed so would stay longer), pumping. She really does not sleep during the day, I mean there is a little morning nap which I sleep with here, and another short one with the nanny. Here and there I'm doing things during the day when she's around, but it's still nice to have my free time. Anyway I think I'm digressing (and have I mentioned above before?). Last night she was fast asleep the moment I put her in bed (happens..) but then the night before she was fine until I put her in bed, at which point she started s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g. Had to call my sister for help (lucky I had someone to come help) me get her to sleep. [I think her inner clock is a 48 hour one because more than once she would be great one night and worse the next]. And tonight I tried most everything until she fell asleep (on the breast, not to my liking).

And yes, I know\understand what's behind it, and there's more than one reason - first of all she is teething. It probably disturbs her more at night when there are less distraction from the pain from the day. Then there's the cold we both suffered from (I'm more or less at the end, but she is still not too well) and we also had a growing spurt. Yes, six months is when it's supposed to happen, but she was always early on those.. but while previous ones were also a lot of sleep, this was quite the reverse - for two full nights she was sucking and sucking and sucking. All night long! After the second night we had a lovely long morning nap (two and a half hours!) and I knew that's it, but it was two most exhausting nights in a time when nights are not easy anyway..
So yes, there are reasons, but I still don't know what to do, how do we get through this rough period. I breastfed her tonight against my wishes (middle of the night I breast feed her to sleep, so do I do so for the morning nap, but going to sleep for the night I try teaching her to do it by herself, with no aid). I know once or twice it's o.k to step out of plan, especially when the little girl is really not feeling too good, but I heard enough about how when child was sick/teething etc parents did so and so and how when child was better that habit remained. I don't want to teach her now that she needs me and well a very certain part of me to go to sleep.

And of course she woke up while writing this post.. and I do still need to pump..

Friday, 12 November 2010

A girl with a necklace, vaccinations and an important question!

I think Butterfly is beginning to teeth (yikes!) which would explain previous post's EDT.. Asking what can be done to help ease the pain, I was told to put an amber necklace round her neck. So I went out and bought one. Hope it works! Now doesn't she look like a big girl with her necklace :-)?

Vaccinations. I decided I'm going to give her tetanus + diphtheria without the pertussis (as for polio and the other one [can't remember now what] I have yet to decide), and that more or less will conclude her shots. Last time I asked, the nurse at the child's development told me they can't separate and give it without the pertussis, but I heard it can be done.
Anyway, not about that I wanted to talk (and I'll be going in only in about 1.5 months). We have here in Israel child benefits - a small amount the government gives parents (or is it the child through the parents, there was such a debate on one of "my" boards). Up till now, the only condition was that you were Israeli and paid the social security taxes. Now there is a law about to be approved that conditions getting the full sum on giving your kid the vaccinations. All of them, according to the official programme. Which means a lot of shots. I'm less concern about the needle part, more about the dangers (in my eyes) of these vaccinations. I won't go into it here, but I'd much rather my daughter gets most of these diseases as a child. The aim of this law is to get more people to vaccinate, but I think it completely misses. I think the vast majority of people who do not give vaccinations, do so, like me, out of ideology. I will not start giving my girl all the vaccinations to get the full benefit. It is not only a really annoying and totally unfair law, but it also feels like an invasion of my privacy - what is it to them if and what shots I give my daughter? (assuming of course I don't not go out of laziness. A parent who fails to give his/her child her/his shots with no ideology or thought behind it, indeed deserves a "penalty"). Oh well, I think I'll survive with the reduced amount..

And now a completely unrelated and as title suggested, important, question:
There is a hedgehog that comes around at night to eat on the cat food. My sister claims it is "theirs" as he came first to them and husband moved him over here and she/they named him Shmulik. Now Shmulik, an Israeli name, is a name of a hedgehog in a well known children's book. Very not original! Plus I claim it to be "my" hedgehog as he comes to my yard to eat (fact that he comes here again and again. In fact he became quite bold and didn't even flinch when I took a pic of him!), but I have no idea what to call him (yeah, am clueless whether it's a him or a her, so I'll go with a him..). Any ideas of a good name?

Sunday, 7 November 2010


Warning.. an EC post, so it's all about peeing and pooing..

Until not so long ago I dressed Butterfly with just a shirt for bed time, covering her when she's asleep (because no way can I do that when she's not fully sleeping). But the nights now are too cold for that (yay!) so she needs her legs et al covered too. I saw some EC trousers I'd like to get her (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSDM7SQqrS0&feature=player_embedded [sorry it's in Hebrew. she's just explaining about the trousers {if I remember correctly as my speakers are disconnected}]. I'm kind of lazing around with this, so for the meantime I tried dressing her in a one piece long sleeve/trousers. I thought if I only don't button between the legs, it could work. Not really as I still need to undo more buttons when peeing, and then closing them all. properly. while Butterfly is [still] sleeping. So for now I dress her with a shirt and trousers, and she looks such a big girl :-). Problem is, unless I take them off completely, it is quite hard to aim (can't so much see the bowl), so my bed (and legs.. hmmm...) get peed on.. [which I'll tell you is mmmmmmmuuuuuccccchhhhh better then getting poo on your bare legs while feeding your little girl when you are only wearing knickers as it is so hot..]. I still think it's better than getting entangled with all those buttons [so I wash my leg/put a dry nappy on the bed]. But I really should see about those trousers..

And talking about that missed poo, I almost always miss the poos. I am much better at detecting a pee, which is the reverse to most people. This morning she looks at me like she's going to go, so I quickly go get the bowl (it is usually by the mat. this morning when she peed, I took it to empty in the toilet, but forgot to return) while asking her to wait. I come back and..... oh no! It wasn't a pee but a poo, in progress (so I semi caught it which was good as we managed to keep the mat unsoiled [usually..... urg..] and to finish of in the bowl).
And I like that we are doing EC. With all the difficulties I do believe it is better for my girl. And I'm very proud of her, of me, when she goes in the bowl, every time she does it. And you know, Friday I went with her somewhere and she was with a nappy and I came home to a dry nappy, with her peeing in the bowl as soon as I offered. The same happened this morning. And believe she knows with me we do this and with the nanny no point of even trying to hold.
And the nights.. until not so long ago she had to go about half an hour after going to sleep. Not any more. Last night she even skipped the 22:30 pee. Yes, it could be she was dehydrated. It could also be she's gaining control on her bladder and the ability to hold her pee.

I just missed our 22:30 pee. I don't remember when that last happened :-(. And here I am praising.. [even more then succeeding in the day, I love it when we do so at nights]

And then another puddle, and a big one!, at midnight. Just when I went to prepare morning's bottle. This time used to be a miss quite often as somehow I'd always be in the shower.. But we didn't have a pee (miss or success) at this time for quite sometime. But she does seem to have a blocked nose, so maybe she's coming up with something. :-((
And I've probably been dehydrating her. Trying again to cut down bottle to encourage breast milk. Nope, don't have it. Can't wait till when she's completly on solids and we don't have to do this stupid formula feeding. :-((.

Can I say that she did another pee while I wrote this EDT?? And that I'm running out of trousers??

EDT again.
May I say that this is one of the worst nights??? Only just now (5:45) did I manage to get her back to sleep, from about 3am. Hope she sleeps now for a good two or three hours.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Butterfly* just peed (in a bowl of course! icon of proud mama), 22:30 as expected. Usually she goes straight back to sleep, but not this time. She was turning restlessly from side to side, and I stood for a moment wondering what to do.
As you might recall, I had a hard time getting her to sleep. Then I heard this lecture and things began to change (plus I added a dummy for the night). The point of this method is that you teach baby to fall asleep in bed, by themselves. All the things we do to get them to sleep just creats an addiction which makes it harder and harder to satisfy. So at first you sit near and touch, and then you slowly go further, until you put baby to bed and go out the door. Well I have a problem here. Two actually. First we co-sleep, both of us in one big bed, she being near the wall. When I put her to sleep, oh does she toss and turn and turn and wiggle and do some crawling forward and backwards and just doesn't sit still until she finally decides to lay her pretty little head down and fall asleep. So you can understand that I can't really leave the room.. (plus everytime the dummy falls I have to put it back in her mouth). Second is that we do EC. I expect a pee withing about half an hour of going to sleep (as she was fed before). If I am looking for signs, I can't really leave the room.
Anyway point is I am going by this method but only to a certain extent. Oh and I only do it for going to sleep. At night I breastfeed her to sleep and so in the day (or so I try. Twice I had her sleeping this morning, and twice the moment I moved her eyes were wide open and no way would she sleep, urg..). They do say you have to be presistent and do it every time she wakes up. But really, I am hardly able to breastfeed her during the day, so at least we have the nights..

So I was standing by the bed for a moment wondering if I should do this method, or else to get her to sleep. And you know, while I don't want my girl to be addicted to me and my presence for sleeping, I do not want to train my 4.5 month little girl to be independent. I think co-sleeping goes very much against that. They say tell you to teach child how to put dummy in mouth so you don't have to get up, but you know what, it is just a hand reach for me [we breastfeed, and at one point, after she's already sleeping but still chewing sucking on me, I switch to a dummy..]. She has a lifetime ahead of her for the independent stuff. Now let her enjoy babyhood.

* why The Girl, of course! Had a name for her while pregnant, but then had a change of heart. Was thinking thinking of a nick for her but couldn't come up with anything. Then sitting on our activity (or is it playing) mat nursing her and again thinking how to call her here, my eyes fell on the blues butterfly on the hippo's nose, and.... it was a bear and a butterfly I asked my sister to draw for me long time ago. So Butterfly she is! (except she is so not as light as a butterfly..)

Monday, 18 October 2010

I am still hoping to read the words - you have no new posts on your reader. Not anytime soon.. though with girl going to sleep much much easier and earlier, I am able to spend a bit more time on the computer :-).

Dear Paige nominated me to the Versatile Blogger Award (thank-you!). I'm going to be a rules' breaker and not post the rules.. Nor will I nominate any other blogger as I saw this award pass around North and South of the blogosphere (you know, being late does that..). However, if somehow you didn't receive the award (and would like to), please see yourself nominated!

Going with the milk version on this one:

  1. I do not like to drink plain cow's milk. Never have. As a child my mum would force me to drink a cup of milk. I remember how I'd go to this friend, and was not allowed to play with her until I drank a cup of milk. But I am a huge fan of milk products, and add something to the cup of milk and I'll drink it away.
  2. Breast milk on the other hand.. that's yummy! (of course I tasted it!)
  3. Baby was born with breasts and.............. yes, in her first week or two of life she also had milk. Mum didn't but girl did..
  4. There was a time in my life where I worked in a kibbutz in the cow's shed milking the cows. We would start our day with a cup of coffee and then proceed to our daily schedule (usually while the early morning milking was still in progress). On occasion when we didn't have milk for our cup of coffee we would take our coffee to where the milking was happening, and squeeze us some nice fresh milk.
  5. Though had I known that pumping milk can hurt, don't know if I would have worked there.
  6. And not an unknown fact about me, just want to add that there is nothing like doing those very early milkings and seeing the sun rise over the Dead Sea!
  7. At one point I wanted to see how my child is on the breast, i.e if she latches properly. So I asked sis #6 to breastfeed her (I also wanted to try and breastfeed her one and a half year old, but well he wouldn't..) Wanted to ask a friend whose baby is exactly two months older than my girl to try and swap, but couldn't get round to asking her. Somehow it seems dirty and unclean and not done to put a stranger baby on your breasts, and not the thing to ask! (oh, and baby latched well).
  8. Now that I'm getting to the unspeakable, I will tell you I tasted my milk straight from the source itself. Yes, I can do that! And as I said, it is tasty. I would drink a cup full if I wasn't saving every drop for daughter. And I breastfed myself (and yes, I do mean bring mouth to nipple) to see what and how it is like, and let me tell you, not easy. Did it again the other day when the pumping machine didn't work and she didn't nurse enough during the day and I was painfully full and leaking like mad, so I tried to relieve myself.
  9. Wasn't too successful (hard work for too little milk for my big mouth!), so when girl stirred just a little in her sleep, I shoved my breast into her mouth. and oh, what a relief!!
  10. 'boob' is a new word for me (I believe I learnt it her in Blogland, I knew the probably old 'bust'), and while I am o.k with using it, and used it while pregnant and all, now when I talk about breastfeeding, it just doesn't feel right..

So there you have it. And since I didn't post the rules, you do not know there were supposed to be only seven. ha!

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Food and other stuff

Well first of it's not really the 10th of October at 10:10! I am backdating because well I can. And since I didn't even realize this special date until it was gone I'm componsating now :-).
So today is actually Monday the 10th and it's just after 21:00! and I'm not all in tears and baby is asleep. Yes, you read correctly - asleep! And the winner is........... the dummy!

But food was what I wanted to write about, so lets start with food.
It is and was very important for me to breast feed Rolly Polly (see, I'm using her nick :-)) but unfortunatly, as you know, my damn body didn't produse enough milk and so I had to start her on formula. Some thing that was very difficult for me to bear. So difficult and I so don't have milk I saeted taking this pill which while helps, I still need to supplement with formula. And I really don't like giving her formula, can't wait to end it. On Saturday she turns 4 months and I'm hoping* to start her on solids with the aim of reducing and eventuallu eliminating formula (breast milk I hope to continue). And yes, it's going to take some time (not expecting her tomrrow to be formula free..).
I was debating whether to start with ceral or veggies. I do not want to give her bought ceral or to give it in a bottle. And obviously one ceral can be home made, but it sounds to me like a lot of work, so I'm going with veggies. I'm planning on starting with a carrot which I'll steam cook and then mush and give it once a day (when?) for about a week (if all goes well) and then continue to the next vegetable, and so on. And I'm kind of excited about this!

Going back to the sleep issue I had a hard time putting her to sleep, and was so frustrated. And then there was this lecture on babie's sleep I went to, and the lecturer talked about how when you do all those things I've been doing to get baby to sleep, how with time babies become immuned and need a higher level of stimuli to get to sleep and how the process gets longer. She said babies should be dependent on themselves for sleep and not on extrior factors. And she went on about how to do it - first step be near baby, touching him and picking him up when he cries and when calm putting back in bed and so on. Next step you sit further away, etc.
Well first step. To cut things short she would scream and I would go back to old methods of walking/rocking/etc and she would fight so fiercly, and I would crumble and put her on the playing mat wanting to get the hell out of here, and feeling how awful a mother I am and cry and cry and cry.

would. I do hope this narrative remains in the past tense.
So I finally bought a dummy (paccifier) and wow! It took about 45 minutes for her to fall asleep and I haven't shed not one tear! Funny how before giving birth , that was the one issue I was on the fence about. But then I gave birth and suddenly I was so much against it. About a week ago I was trying to figure why I am so much anti, as it is clear that girl loves to suck. I came to realize it was all about my boobs not working but at least able to comfort girl. I am not completly o.k with dummy (as I'm declaring it only for sleep), but it's a start..

And tonight I had a new realization. Sitting near her, watching her fight (you didn't think she went to sleep without a fight, now did you??), and it's not me she's fighting (I'm not holding her). And you know, now I see that it felt like she was fighting me. I know she wasn't, she was not kicking me, but it sure felt so. So dummy to the rescue :-).

Long post so I'll end here. And yes, should have probaly been called Sleep and pther stuff.

Thanks Dora fopr advice on bath. Tried it, but didn't really help.

I am soooo slow on my blog reading. Sorry guys!

* I still need to buy her a spoon plus a net (or whatever it's called) to steam the food)

Sunday, 3 October 2010


Not mine, hers. She is so active and alert, always wants to see and learn about the world around her, and I so love that about her. Curious like her mother :-). But the downside is her not liking to go to sleep. Oh, how she struggles not to go to sleep! Tired and all, she still fights it, like sleep is her enemy (I try and explain to her that sleep is actually one of mums best friends..).

During the day she hardly sleeps (asleep now :-)), but oh the nights.. Well not exactly the nights because she usually (and stressing the 'usually' as last night was an unusuall bad night [probably why she's sleeping now..]) sleeps quite well at night. Ususally she wakes sometime between 3:00 and 5:00, when I nurse her on one side and she goes back to sleep. Then, maybe an hour later again she wakes, so I nurse her on the other side. Third time, if it's still early I try again and nurse her. Sometimes it works, but if not then a bottle and a look at the clock (she usually is down withen two hours later for a morning [and sometimes only] nap). This is from when I discovered I can nurse in bed. Before that, it would be getting out of bed, somtimes trying to nurse, sometimes a bottle, but once we're out of bed, it would take about two hours to get her back to sleep (as opposed to about 20 minutes when nursing in bed, plus I sometimes manage to doze while she sucks).

So it not so much the nights themseleves, but the getting there. As mentioned above, she fights going to sleep. She has a bath at about 21:00, then a bottle of pumped milk and then rocking her and singing to her and walking with her and being nervous at her [which how can your heart not melt when she smiles back at you??] and walking and swinging and singing and rocking and and and.. It will take about an hour and a half (on a good day), two to get her to sleep. 22:30, 23:00 is when she'll finally sleep. But then.. she'll wake every few minutes for another hour or so. These awaknings are easy to handle, as she goes back to sleep quickly, but oh.. getting her down for the night...
Sometimes I'm at wits' end how to get her to sleep because nothing seems to work*. But the only thing that I know will get her to sleep is time. Come eleven o'clock she should be at some stage of sleeping. It is so much easier when you know that you just have to let time pass (though not so easy when holding a ,clearly, very tired baby but who nevertheless fights you!).

I'd love to hear from you mothers how [guess who just woke and who is now typing with two fingers..] you get your little ones to sleep for the night (I don't even try getting her to sleep during the day. If it happens it happens..]. and how you got them to sleep when they were about three months old.

*I do not nurse her to sleep as she will wake the moment I pick her up. I was warned how I shouldn't nurse her to sleep as that will form bad habbits etc. No one ever mentioned I won't be able to do so...
[different when she awakes in the middle of the night, as my breasts then are more a dummy (pacifier) than a milk factory..]

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

before & after

Well first, I have a ROLLER! (o.k "half" a roller as only from tummy to back..). Three! weeks ago she accidently rolled for the first time and I was so happy [first step in gaining physical independence!], but since then - nothing. And then today, she rolled and rolled and rolled, and more importantly, she got it! no accidentaly rolling :-)).

She is three months old, i.e I am three months now in the role of a mother. Three months, only three months. Not a huge amount of time. And yet if you ask me, it seems like forever, like I am her mother now for two million and three years. And if you ask me about my life prior to having her, I honestly can't remember, it just seems so vague, to far away in the past.
Yes, becoming a mother is a h-u-g-e change in one's life, add to it not being an easy job, espcially not when done alone (and I have a lot of help from family, especially my mother, but it is not the same as parenting together with someone else). It just seems strange how such a short period has stretched out so much.

A friend who saw me the other day for the first time since G [I really need a nick for her. I think for now I'll call her Rolly Polly] came into my life, said I looked much happier, that when she saw me pregnant I seemed to her as usual but now I'm radiant. My first thought was what are you talking about!? It is hard work, hardly no minute to rest, it can't be I look happier. But you know what, yes, with all the difficulties [how frustrating can it be to get her to sleep..] I am a happier person. I wanted her ever so much and I craved for her and longed for her, but I also could not have imagined her. She is completly unlike what I thought my child would be, for good and for bad. It is weird that once I had no notion of who or what Rolly Polly is, I mean even when I was pregnant.

And just something I want to write about before I forget it.
All through pregnancy, I had this strong feeling like this little girl that's growing in me is not a new soul, but rather a very very old soul [I do believe that before birth my soul and her soul "agreed" that we'll be mother and daughter, same as any connection between two people is/was determined]. This feeling stayed with me through the first weeks of her life, slowly fading. I do believe that she came into the world as a wise old soul, with knowledge that exceeds our knowledge, but in this helpless little body. Maybe as a means of protecting the inocent little body from the cruelty of life as a new baby. As time goes by, this soul slowly retreats, letting the new body live it's life. At about six weeks I felt this soul [well not sure if soul is the right word] has gone, leaving my baby a clean slate, ready to begin her life on planet Earth as a human baby.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

forgive me girl

Please forgive me girl for all the wrongs I did to you, am doing to you and will do to you.

Forgive me for being seperated from you right after birth. Forgive me for not being able to nurish you by myself and needing to supplement you with formula. Forgive me for forgetting every single night to take the bottle of my pumped milk out of the fridge in advance so that when we're finished with the bath, you'll have a nice warm bottle of my milk waiting for you (instead you have to wait while I heat it up..). Forgive me for prefering at times not to breastfeed you so that pumping will yield a nice number.. [twisted, I know].

Forgive me girl for taking you to pee when clearly you do not have to go, and forgive me for not taking you to pee when, for heaven sake! you need need need to go, oh, damn..... [but all those times we do get it right.. I marvel every time !].

Forgive me for leaving you with a nanny, and for letting her take care of you even when I'm home [and thank you guys for your comments on my last post!].

Forgive me girl for needing to distance myself from you to know how much I love you. To see the nanny, on my way home, with you, my little girl, in that pram*, and my heart just fills with joy. To come home and pick you up, and feel the softness and tenderness only a mother can have for her child, and remember all those mothers in books I read as a child, the little boy who finds comfort in his mother's shoulders , and her hair [oh, and forgive me girl if you inherited my very thick hair..], and now I am her. So forgive me girl for taking my time in being her, and as I said at the beginning of the paragraph for needing to not see you in order to see you.

And thank you for being such an amazing little girl! So active and full of life, and so so alert! And not a crier. Funny how you can be discomfort, and wiggling in my arms for over an hour, and I try this and that to calm you down, but at the end of the evening dad will note on what a great girl I have who doesn't cry at all.... And I will stop here because I probably could go on and on about you, my wonderful little girl.

* A funny story with my nephew's nanny - I was once walking home when this woman I knew (from teaching English, though she was not in my group) stopped me for a little chat. I talked to her not really paying attention to the pram or the baby inside, so it took me a few minutes to realise that's my nephew! [will just add that she was new on the job]. Oh, and suddenly when it darned to her I'm the baby's aunt, she soothed the crying infant..

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Please don't tell me I'm a bad mother.

Don't have too many pupils this year, but when I hired the nanny I had to offer a certain amount of hours (couldn't say wait and see how I work and only then I'll know..). So some days I pay for a nanny while I'm actually home.
Today is such a day where I have an hour and a half just for myself. So instead of going to my place and saying hello to my girl, I went to my mum's place and made myself something to eat (I ususally hardly have time to eat), read some blogs (almost finished August! [Should also get updated on the forums..]) and (going to) pump. Oh, and rest would be nice but, but well that won't happen today.. While all these are important and great that I have (paid) time for such, kind of feels bad I don't go to say hello to my daughter. I don't want her to see me and to get confused and want to be with me etc, I also don't want nanny to start chatting with me on my free time (thus not letting me do any of the above).
O.K, the clock's ticking. Have an hour. Back to my meal..

Tuesday, 7 September 2010



Today 5 years ago I had to put my dog Sky to sleep. She was the most amazing wonderful dog that ever was. I do want one day to be a dog owner again, but I know that no dog will ever compare with her. But as long as I had her, I couldn't, and well didn't, pursue motherhood. Even if being a mother is something I've dreamt and wanted all my life. Somehow when I was "mothering" Sky, it never seemed possible I could be a mother to a human baby, so I never even thought seriously about trying. But then she died, and though it took me about two years to get started, I suddenly was free to believe I can :-).


Today one year ago a tiny little sperm met a not so tiny egg. They met on this petri dish and knew they were meant for each other! Yes, one year ago my little girl was created :-). Amazing how this very small embryo grew and grew and grew into this most wonderful little girl (who is still growing and growing and growing!)



Tomorrow night we celbrate the beginning of the new Jewish year. One of the customs is eating a round halah bread. Round as to symble the roundness of the year, how just like a circle the different seasons come and go.


I mentioned before how my daughter was born on the exact same date as her great grandfather. Well on Friday we had a party for her. I wanted to have it in August but it didn't work out (besides, it would have been much too hot!), and playing around with the dates, last Fri was the best option. Well Friday happen to also be her greatgrandfather's (the one whoi shares her birth date) yartzhiet (=the "anniversary" of his death, and a 50 year one). I find it interesting how important dates in her life have other meaning too. Just shows how circular it all is.


Shanah Tova to all you who are celebrating the new year !!

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

leaving my kid with a stranger

So today's our first day. Didn't work today so nanny can be just two hours with her (same tomorrow) so girl can slowly get used to her.

I think mummy needs more getting used to leaving girl with a complete stranger. I went to my sister's (neighbour) and came back to see the nanny sitting on the sofa and baby on a mat on the floor, and well nanny was fiddling with her phone. Now I can understand sitting on the sofa (though I can tell you that I would [and had] sit on the floor/mat, being at the same level as the kid). But the phone?
And yes, I might have just walked into a situation [like maybe she was texing her son, a 10 year old], and I shouldn't expect anyone (including myself!) to be 100 percent all the time fussing around the girl, and I do believe [hope!] I have made the right choice choosing her, and probably it is just not easy "giving" her to an unknown person, but I just felt like screaming - leave my girl alone! get the hell out of here and never come back!

Oh and not so related - I sometimes feel this randomness, how any other child could have been born to me, but random made this certain girl be the one. And it was No Yolk's update (and what a wonderful update!!) that got me thinking about all these bloggworld babies and how I could have been a mother to any one of them and how different that would have been. Then I tried thinking the reverse, that is, my child could have had any of you bloggers as a mother, and I was - no way! she is mine! lol.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

1st of September

can't come sooner enough! Already the weather is begining to be somewhat cooler, or should I say, less hotter. And well, as school starts here on the first, I'll be going back to work!
While my nanny will be coming on Wed, I won't actually start working on Wed (Sun is when I'll really start) so I'll have her for a couple of hours to get aquainted with the girl. Hope it all goes well :-)
I so need this break from taking care of the girl 24/7. I care about her and all but it is very tiring and exhausting taking care of her all day long, so having a few hours every day where she'll be under the charge of someone else, kind of a relief. Because this taking care of a baby is really hard work. Probably not making it easier the fact that she hardly sleeps during the day, or the fact that I find it hard letting her have alone time (I am learning more and more to do so as it is important to her and me) or the fact that we're doing EC (stopping a feed because she's signiling; taking the nappy off; going to the potty; putting nappy back on; returning to feed....). Since just before birth, I have lost about 10 kilos. During pregnany I have gained 6 kilos (if I remember correctly). That is I weigh now less than before I got pregnant. While I'm kind as I was a bit overweight, I know it's not good (and honestly I am not trying to lose weight). It's just this parenting stuff and not so much time to eat.. Anyway, I hope now things will get a little easier.

Over 100 posts in my reader and the numbers just keep going up. I try and read a few posts every day but finding it a hard time catching up (oh, and while I do read I comment much less, sorry). So sorry I'm a bad blogger lately. Though I do try and scan my reader to get an update. Paige glad to hear the bleedind has lessened. Hope everything turns out o.k! And Shannon.. congratulations!!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Every pot has a cover!

First thank you so much for your comments on my last post. It was especially good to hear from those of you who have older babies (which now seems like a million years difference to me..) telling me it will get better!

Second, on the other side to that post, let me tell you how I love looking at my daughter in the morning. With the early morning sun shining she is just so beautiful, and then she gives me a smile, and well, there is nothing prettier than her smile in the early morning (even if I am so not a morning type, and the thought of another long and hot day..).

A dry night! Last night we had a dry night :-). That is twice we peed in a bowl. The previous night I was so tired, I only woke up after she peed, which means changing around the nappy that is spread on the bed so she is not on any wet. So that was quite a bad night regarding EC. Most nights are a bit better, but there is always a miss (it's usually more than two times that she pees*). Last night was the first time I didn't have to touch the nappies underneath!
Nights are actually a bit tricky. If I misinterpret her moving around and take her when she doesn't have to go, it will wake her up, taking about two hours to put her back to sleep again. So first I have to decide if she's moving around because she needs to go or else. And then I have to gently hold her over the bowl (a bit different from when awake) while she's half asleep and whisper to her that I think she needs to pee and pshhh pshhh pshhh (our cue).

And now to the pot.. I had to find someone to look after my girl while I work as I work in the afternoon and day-cares are from the morning, but I knew I'd have a hard time because of the hours. Did get some women interested (women.. there was one guy who phoned about my ad and my first reaction was - oh my, I think I'd rather have a woman taking care of my daughter.. but then I was thinking I should be open and maybe he will be great with her. Turned out he was phoning on behalf of his mother..).
I was mixed emotions about the first woman who came. She seemed o.k, so was it just her being o.k and not more, or was it the realization that I am to leave my most precious with a total stranger? Well, thinking about it, I didn't like how she was snoopy (like came a bit earlier [and that was after confirming the time about an hour earlier!] and went round to the back door claiming I didn't hear her [no way, as where I was sitting is right near the front door and from there I heard her at the back door..]). Don't like the idea of someone who will go through my things, so she was out.
There were a few more, but then there was this woman who the moment she came in, there was just a good vibe about her. First she's local which is good because no problems with buses traffic etc. She came with her husband (to help find our place), and it was actually nice. Thinking now, maybe it gave a family feeling, like she's not this strange woman who'll take care of my child, but a person of family. She was very cheerful and lively which is very nice! I also liked that she didn't ask to hold the baby, didn't try and put on a show for me. And as I said, in general a good vibe. I had scheduled interviews with a few women after her, and at first thought I'd wait and see those others, but sleeping on it last night, I decided to take her.
When asking her about the hours and if she doesn't mind it not being a full time. She said she has another job in the mornings and was looking for something in the afternoons. For me that is really great as most likely she won't be looking for something else (as one of the women I interviewed was stupid enough to admit..). I am thrilled school is about to start and scared too regarding the first day..

* After writing the above I read today that EC during the day reduces amount of peeing at night and well.. it's now after midnight, and while she is usually wet twice by now, she is still dry!

Thursday, 19 August 2010


I am so tired and exhausted. It's not as difficult now as the first few weeks were, but still very exhausting with hardly any time for self (writing this post.. should be sleeping now), but I think that probably that's why I am so out of emotions and just wanting to get to better times. Back then, as in the first two or three weeks, I really couldn't see beyond where I was. But now that it is somewhat easier, I can look into the future, and feel despair things won't get much easier anytime soon (and when they will, she'll probably start teething. yeah, not waiting for that). Maybe now it's more an emotional exhaustion whereas back then it was very much physical. And the horrible hot humid weather and my inability to go anywhere with her (outside the house, that is. unless with my mother which would be for the girl's checkup etc [oh, can I put aside my gloomy mood and tell you how she is now in the 75th percentile for weight? Up from the 10th and then 33rd percentile! As she is very long (92nd percentile. beats me how short me has such a long daughter..) she is still quite thin, but 75th percentile!]. Where was I.. I was planning on using the cloth slings I have for going out with her and for just moving around the house with her, but that is quite impossible in this weather. Plus when I did try and use them, I didn't manage to put her correctly as she kept sliding down. I have an older kid's sling, one where the child is supposed to be able to sit to use it. I'll wait till she's 3 months old and use it very occasionally at first, because I really need to "get some air" from time to time.
So it is very very hot and humid, I am stuck home most days, and I have the girl that sleeps very little during the day. [of course she is always sleeping when other people come..] (and I just had another day [or rather night] of vomiting from the pill I take to help increase my milk flow*, which probably isn't contributing to my mood).
Somebody posted on a forum a pic of her one month old baby, saying how so full of love she is to her son, how she didn't know such feeling could exist. And I.. while I care very much about my little girl, and want and try to do what's best (in my opinion) for her, I don't think it is love I feel for her. Yes, I think she is amazing and terrific and clever [she already knows that pshhh pshhhh pshhhh means you can pee now. and yes, there are misses, but I am so delighted every time she does it in the bowl] and she's doing things like laughing! and picking her head up nicely. But do I love her? I don't think so. At least not like that person talked about her love to her son. Maybe it is because I am so tired, maybe because I still can not believe she is my daughter. Impossible! Maybe because she doesn't look at all like me. Funny, I always thought that doesn't matter when other SMCs talked about how the chose a donor who resembles them so the child will look more or less like his/her mother. And then I had the daughter who does not look like me, and it kind of bothers me.

And I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So I'll add a rant about how annoying it is people telling me not to do this or that because I'll be sorry later on. Basically two things to do with going to sleep - breastfeeding and her lying on me. She always doses off when on my breast, so I do get her to sleep with the breast. Especially at night (actually breastfeeding lying down in bed is something I've mastered recently), it is so much easier (don't have to get out of bed, prepare a bottle, etc). So later on I'll have a hard time because she won't be able to sleep without the breast? Not really sure how I'm supposed to get her to sleep otherwise (I mean breast or bottle). And the lying on me.. they tend to think that is how I put her to sleep, but no way will she sleep on me if she's awake. No, I lay down with her on me only once she is somewhat asleep. That is the highlight of my day, I so enjoy these moments. So maybe in the future I'll have a big and heavy kid I won't want to do this anymore (though I really can't imagine not wanting daughter to lay her cute head on her mama..), or a time when I won't want to feed her to sleep. I think I'll find how to deal with it when the time comes. Right now these are little things I enjoy. I call these second child advice. Let me do these "mistakes" with my first child. Second child? I'll be wiser and smarter.

*ironically it is a pill for people who suffer from nausea and/or vomiting. It is supposed to stop you from vomiting, not cause you to do so! So I take it, then stop for a few days and my milk goes way down (and yes, I do pump). Probably realising that I'll might have to say goodbye to breastfeeding much sooner (much much sooner) than I intended is also not adding to my mood. A lost battle :-(.

Friday, 13 August 2010

EC Day & Night

Today actually was a good day with nine out of nine hits in a span of 4 hours! Yesterday.. a different story. She peed on me and peed on me and peed on me. They talk about special clothes for EC for the kids. How about for the parents? But even yesterday we had some hits.

Up till recentally, EC wasn't going too well, mainly due to the nappies. For daytime I was planning on using the prefolds I have, but after a wash or two, they wouldn't hold the snappy (=instead of a safety pin) so I used mainly tetra (my mum calls it muslin) cloth, and on top of that a rubber panty. With this, taking it all off for a pee was quite a procedure, especially when I am learning [and hot and bothered and my boobs hurt] and didn't work out too well. So I bought some flannel nappies with velcro for easy opening and closing and a couple of normal covers to aid me. And those covers... soooo much easier and better with them! Better for her too, as it is a breathing material. They also look much nicer :-). And well, once I got the confidence of nappy on/off a quick and easy thing, I let go, let her be hours without anything on.
Another thing that helped a lot was writing down a log of when/what she did and what signs/signals there might have been. Once I started writing down (after getting some tips from EC sites as to typical signs), I really began the learning. Writing, beyond showing me paterns, helps by actually making me process what happened.
And I think she is doing some learning too. At first she was very fussy when I put her over the bowl, cried a lot and wouldn't go. Now she sometimes cries, but will release. Sometime it is putting her on (she signaled) and taking her off (she is crying. maybe something else bugged her) and putting her on again and off until she finally goes. But then the thrill when she does go with no fuss..
What we now both need to learn, is how to not miss the bowl. lol. I hold her in the air over the bowl, and well.. probably if she were a boy we would have better aim.. [but I wouldn't change her for the world!]

So day time EC is looking good. Of course tomorrow will be a day of misses... but seriously, there will be good days and bad days, but I am feeling much more confident about it.
The nights though are harder. At nights I have Kushies nappies for her (which I thought were pockets, but was told that not. don' know what/if kind of nappies they are). As I thought I'd wait till we're o.k in the day, but didn't want her to start peeing while asleep [at first babies do not pee in their sleep but have brief awakings when they do so. later on, with nappies, they loose this ability and do pee while sleeping], I wanted to keep something going, so tried at least changing her nappy. To make it easier, I just put a prefold in the Kushies and only changed that. But then I realised I really need to do it properly. First two nights of trying - very bad! I tried putting her on the bowl, she didn't need but woke up. And once she's up... at least two hours it took me to put her back to sleep again (oh, and no more eight hours... [and I don't mind jinxing that!]). So now I have her sleeping with just a top (or an onsie not closed) with the aim of putting her on the bowl if she stirs [besides a protective sheet I have underneath the sheet, I put some of the cloth nappies, so if/when she wets I just rearrange them to a dry area]. Problem is I sleep quite deeply. I wake up once she's already gone.. Problem number two is getting her to pee in the bowl. This morning we finally had success with it. Hope we'll learn to tackle nights too!

Very very slow on my readhing. And while I do read, I comment much less. Hopefully one day soon she will be sleeping more during the day and I'll have more time..

ETA (18:20)
has that day come? she slept for 2.5 hours and only woke because Ijust had to take her to pee (she was stirring). The last few days she went down at about 19:00 and I had to wake her at about 21:30 (only to start putting her to sleep again, a process that as mentioned above, could take 2 hours or more) because I didn't want it to be for the night. but could it be that she is now taking longer naps during the day?

except for sis#6 [who introduced me to this but didn't follow through. the disadvantage of raising kids with someone else..], I avoided telling people I plan to do EC, even after I gave birth. Was sure I'd get negative responds etc. Well, while they will not hold her without a nappy (because babies just pee and pee and pee [o.k so she can pee five minutes after she just went]), they seem interested and happy when she pees in a bowl :-). [luckily they are not around for the misses. lol]

Tuesday, 3 August 2010


I slept 8 hours last night!

Didn't wake when mummy moved me to bed or when she changed my nappy (though she did that only once because later, even though she woke up, she was scared of waking me...) or even at around 4 a.m when I usually wake up!

[mummy hopes this is not just a one night thing..]

Saturday, 31 July 2010

A Smile & a Tear

I'll start with the big smile I had on my face when I saw a parcel from Paige, and oh my! What a beautiful quilt! Handmade by her mother!
My daughter is so lucky to have such bloggy friends!

And now the tear. Not mine, my little girl's. Her first! and caught on camera. Well not exactly..

Noticing the tear I asked sister #5 to capture it. Seeing how she was not as close as I would have liked, I mentioned so to her, but she just said yeah, it's o.k. Hmmm... not really. These are the ones she took. While I think they are good pictures and I do like them, they are not of my girl's first tear :-(.

So I grabed my camera and tried doing it myself (I was feeding her at the time), but alas, the tear has more or less dried out. Maybe I'll be successful with tear number two..
And just because the previous day she failed holding her head up at her 6 week development check-up (but passed with flying colours smiling and following with eyes!) :

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Elimination Communication

One of the things I talked about before giving birth is doing elimination communication, also known as - nappies (diapers) free. The goal here is not to toilet train at such a young age (though would add that as we're using cloth nappies, the simplest where every pee is noticed, I am quite sure that toilet training will be much earlier than most kids with disposable nappies), but mainly as a way of being tuned in to her and her needs. Also, I think it's probably much nicer to be able to not sit in your pee/poo.
While I did make a vague attempt some time ago, I didn't try too seriously as I was "battling" breastfeeding and just didn't have it in me to also have this going, and thought of picking up on it once I reslove breastfeeding. But a few days ago I realized that time passing isn't in our favour, and that I should start regardless of breastfeeding. So I began..

Stage one of this process involves me learning her signs. I am proud for picking up quite quickly that hand in mouth means I am hungry, but the sign for pee/poo? Much harder. So I have her with only an outfit on, open at the bottom without a nappy so I can see, and then I totally missed - oh my, she's peeing.. what did she do before that??
At least when she poos, even if I don't yet know the sign for it, I do know (more or less..) when she's going and can put her on the potty (or in our case a bowl which I hold her above as obviously she is too small to sit..). Today actually I managed to catch it right at the beginning and to dash to the bowl so nothing except the bowl and her tush where to be cleaned. But that really was more luck than anything..
So my learning process is continuing. Yesterday I thought I'd never figure out her signs, and today I'm feeling much more confident. I think I've picked up a sign for pee, maybe not, but if I carry on observing for sure I will.

And then there is holding her over the bowl. First time, when making a run when she was in the middle of peeing, I kind of scared her. Oops, didn't mean to girl, and not good as she stopped her pee and just wouldn't continue. So I need to do it quickly but gently. So I don't always take her to the bowl. After all, right now I am trying to learn the signs she gives when she needs to go. Later, once I've learnt those signs, I'll want to take her to the bowl once I recognize such a sign. But when I do.. at night I put a pocket nappy on her so it would be easy to undo when she needs to go (hmm... if I wake up! Night time was/is very important for me to do this EC, but I'm usually too tired, so even if I wake and see she's awake too, we just go back to sleep [when she's probably awake because she's just gone or is going..]) but as I don't have many of those, during the day I use a cloth nappy closed with a snappy (a kind of fastener) and a cover over it. Not so easy to quickly take it all off (and in a calm way too..).
And how do I hold her over the bowl... she doesn't seem to like it too much, so I tried (as we were in the middle of a feed) to calm her with a bottle. That is one hand holding a bottle, the other a leg with body against me and other leg kind of free in the air. Not too comfortable (though it did calm her). And I wanted to be also doing baby sign language! (and am happy to have a sign for poo and one for milk. I think two is enough for a start). so I have to figure out how to do it in a way that won't scare her but that will hold her efficiently over the bowl.
A lot of learning, but at least I am happy to have started with it.

Monday, 26 July 2010

The Birth Story

[warning: a very l-o-n-g post ahead]

So.. It's taken me quite some time, but here's how it went:

17:00 (Mon, 14.6) - I take those two spoons of castor oil. And oh my! I knew it would be disgusting, but didn't expect it to be that horrible.
Only after talking to my doula at about 21:00, telling her how it didn't at all affect me, did I have some diahrea (sorry if TMI). But only two stops at the toilet, nothing really too serious.

10:19 (Tuesday, 15.6) - Finally after completing a very long interview with the reception nurse, I am admitted to the hospital. We (my mother and I. And yes, it was my mother in the end who came with me, and she was [and still is!] so amazing!!) decide on having the induction. It really wasn't an easy decision, but after reading your comments and talking to sister, and as the oil didn't really work, it was decided it was the best thing to do.

14:00 - I am given half a pill to swallow, and told to come back later to be monitered and to see how to proceed. Me and mum wait outside. In hindsight I probably was having construction but wasn't really aware of them. Anyway at 17:30 when I come back to the moniter, we see that I'm having one about every 5,6 minutes. At this stage, I think there were bearable, getting more and more difficult but managable. As we understood that I'll be taking another pill, we decide to wait with it till the morning, so mother goes home for the night. I was hoping that if I can manage overcoming first contructions and falling asleep, that I'll be able to have some sleep (and mind you, it might have been quite an idle day with a lot of waiting for this and that and nothing much done, but it was a very long and tiring day!).

22:30 - mum leaves and I am left alone. The contruction now are really beginning to be difficult. Sleeping is impossible!

23:00 -(well actually a bit before..) In the middle of a painful contruction, I feel some wet in my knickers, and think - yay, that's the mucous plug, but can't see blood in the toilet. I think it's just discharge so don't do much about it. Happens again with next contruction and I realize it must be my water that's breaking! I go to the nurse to infprm and to ask what to do. Well tough lucj for me that at eleven there is a shift change! The conversation was - me: I think my water just broke; nurse: o.k, do you have a pad; me: no; nurse: so go put a pad and we'll be with you soon. URG! And might I add that I was in agony and pain! Luckly there were some pads left in "my" locker" I suppose by previous "tenant", but still.. Anyway the water kept "breaking" with these really terrible contructions. Probably being alone there didn't help, and I just couldn't anymore, so I called my mum (and asked her to call my doula). About half an hour later she arrives. In the mean time the doctor checks the opening. And oh god! Lying on the back in the mid of a construction, that was so so painful. And the water that kept breaking. An opening of four and slight mecunioum in the water. And if I didn't say it before.... these cotrucions were very very painful (and I am quite pain tolerent, could take pain without much compaining), and I was already in the dispair stage, the stage of oh my what have I done, a stage that usually appears at an opening of 8,9 and at least you do know then you are near the end. But at 4?? I just didn't know how I'll take it anymore. Anyway, as it's an opening of 4, they send me to the delivery room.

00:15 - just after I get to the delivery room my doula arrives. Pains are getting worse and worse and are now totally unberable. She tries to help me, massages me (couldn't bear that! not something I knew beforehand..). She then helps me in the shower, which was somewhat helpful, but still the pains... All this time I was saying no to epidural (to the dr, to me, etc). I was determined that I can still do it, but it was really getting worse and worse. In the shower I reallise that I can't anymore, so I say yes..

I say yes thinking that right there and then I'll get relief. HA! They start an infusion and now I wait. And wait. And wait. I am really going crazy (saying how next birth will be a c-secion. To which the doula said that at least I'm thinking of a next birth..). Seems I have to wait for the infusion, and it is dropping so so slowly, I'm thinking how I'll never get that epidural!

2:40 - Finally they decide it's time, but kick out mother and doula. I am quite upset about that, I really would like some one with me. But! Amazing woman number one! there are these volunter women in the hospital who act like doula's and one of them comes to be with me (they are allowed in..). The dr himself was nice and explained everything, but he spoke softly and with an accent I had difficulty understanding, not to mention I was with my back to him (and I don't hear too well), so I really had a hard time figuring out what he was saying, so I kept asking this woman, who was kindly holding my hands and positioning me correctly what he was doing. The funny thing was that I was whispereing, mainly because I was too weak to talk, so she whispered back.. Iwas amazed at how quick and well the epidural worked! Suddenly I was o.k. But unfortuanatly they do not have walking epidural, so it meant I was confinded to lying on back or side with the monitre (oh, did I not mention before how painful the moniter was.. that piece of material strapped to me.. couldn't bear the doula touching me or the monitor, at least now it was o.k). At some time the dr informs me that I have an opening of 8/9, maybe around four or five am, and we were trying to guess when will it happen..

But I'm not really progressing. At some point they shove a catheter into me as I can't pee and as a full bladde blocks baby from processing down the cannel tube. Even with the epidural, that is a very not pleasant senstaion (and well... the aftermath is so much worse! but will come to that later).

7:00 - Shift change brings amazing woman number two, the midwife. She comes and nicely introduces herself [I do understand it was a very intense night with a higher than usuall women delivering, and the previous midwife was o.k, but still..). She explains how to help baby come down I should go - shhhhhhh.... while having a contruction (still felt them, but so much not as painful as before!).

8:15 - Opening of 9 but head is only in position -2. Not sure if they said something now about the machonium. Not looking good! Midwife sugests I help baby down by "standing" on six [which, btw, was how I had been imagining giving birth]. Since I can't get out of bed, I turn myself around [hardly, as my right leg is almost completly numb, my left leg much better], standing on my knees and leaning against the bed's headboard which was put upright. Oh, so much better! Now I really can't feel those contructions! Annoyingly the monitor keeps on "playing tricks" and the one that checks baby's heart rate keeps zeroing out. In addition problems with the IV drip (later I am told that it was not put in properly..).

Anyway, now I wiggle around trying to help baby bring her head down into position like she should (and like what I probably would have been doing haven't I been confined to the bed.

Just before 10:00 (I think) - I am happy to hear I am fully dilated. Head is now in position 0, and I feel we're making progress, but doctors think otherwise. I have mechonium in the water and apparently head has not progressed enough. Also taken into account is that my water broke almost twelve hours ago. They now tell me I have to have a suction, and I am - no way! I am not having anymore interference. So they "threaten" me that either a suction or a c-section, and I completly lose it. I mean, come off it! I am progressing. Give me a little more time.. Oh, and now I was just with sister #1 who came shortly before, as they kicked everyone out for this checkup and allowed only one person to stay. Don't remember what exactly she said, but the midwife, amazing woman number two talks to me and soothes me, telling me how I got so far and how I shouldn't ruin evrything just because my dream birth is falling apart, and how the end result, a healthy baby, is what's important. So I say yes to the suction, and they kick everyone out (in the meantime mother and doula came in to encourage me). I was - please let one person stay with me, I really can't go through this alone, but they were quite nasty and wouldn't let anyone. Now besides being totally upset that this is how things go, I was also very much scared. I so needed someone to hold my hand (besides amazing midwife who was more busy helping the doctors and so couldn't really be with me, in came another midwife, a young nice woman, and she did hold my hand and all, but she is a stranger, and a squeeze from a family member [doula] is so much more comforting..

So now the suction is in and I am to push when I'm having a contruction. Except I have no idea when that is, so I am told when to push. And my birth plan specifically stated I am to push only when I feel the need to push. I guess I missed out on all that, on respondening to my body, on listening to my body, on pushing because I need to and not because I was told. And about half an hour later..

10:27 - Baby is born! They put her on me before they clean her up (thank god for that!) and she looks so tiny to me! That little bundel is my daughter! Tears just come pouring down my cheeks.
Funny how the drs asked for the time, and my doula shouted the time from outside.. She later said they were listening so hard to hear what's happening..

Of course against my wishes the cord was cut right away (not that at that point I felt I had any say in the matter, or even remembered what I wanted..). At least they put her on me first thing before wiping her. Then they took her and wiped her (and checked her?) and put her back on me and I tried to breastfeed her, but besides not really knowing how, it was not a calm and relaxing atmosphere, more one of procedures that had to be done. After the placenta "came out" (hmmm... by pressing on my belly. At least it got a perfect score :-)) they stiched me and stiched and stiched and stiched. I think after the contactions it was the next worse part. Oh, and all the while I was sure the suction instrument (which to my imagination was like, size and all, a toilet plunger) was still inside me, and please can you take it out! Anyway stiches.. didn't want to know how many.
At long last that ended, and now my mother went with baby to the ward and I was moved into the recovery room. First let me say a word about amazing woman number three, my mother. Turns out (as I thought) they had no problems with my requests/demands regarding procedures with the baby (at least that they didn't take away from me!), though my mother was more than ready to fight for me/my baby.. More so (much more so), she stayed with my baby the whole time and wouldn't leave her alone, even thought she is not young (and she just spent the whole night with me, only a simple chair for her to relax on) and there wasn't anywhere for her to sit and she was told by the stuff that it's o.k, she can go. Oh no! not this child's grandmother. She was with her the whole time. And in this video (which makes me cry watching it, will come back to that soon..) you can see how the cradle is being rocked. My mother was there with my baby, rocking her. Melts my heart.

In the meantime I was in the "recovery" room. Don't really know why I was shoved into this room with no button to call a nurse, when I have just given birth and all I really wanted and needed was to be with my little girl. That crying at the video I mentioned.. well her lying there quietly, pushing (or trying to) her fingers into her mouth - clearly she wanted her mother, wanted the warmth and the familiarity of the body that carried her for 9 months, wanted to be breastfed. Surly the last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by all those screaming babies [hey.. notice how she is so quiet among all the crying and screaming!]. At the same time I wanted nothing more than to be with her.

O.K so I'm in the recovery room. Doula spent some time with me until she had to go (there really was no need for her to stay just to entertain me..).Not sure if then it was sister#1 who came (seems she tried going with baby too, but they wouldn't let her in the nursery so she stood outside looking until she was kicked outside the ward [wasn't visiting hours]), or the saniter who came, saw the IV [yeah, forgot to mention how I had a tempreture in the delivery room and how for the first time in 40 years I was given antibiotics.. Poor daughter also had to have antibiotics by IV because of me] and went asking about it [to tkae me up to the ward with it?]. Only I was somehow forgotten.

Finally! (I think at around 14:00) I was taken up to the ward. Not so sure if I need to pee or not, I went to the toilet and.... I just couldn't go. The nurse turned on the tap, but still as much as I tried I couldn't pee. While it did slowly slowly become easier to pee, I really had to push hard, like for a poo (and I do try not to push for a poo, as pushing isn't really good for you). Later, at home, when I "managed" to do a poo (which first few times were a "miss" into the pad I had. Quite embrassing even if no-one knew), I never knew if I was pushing foe a poo or for a pee. Sorry if too graphic.

Anyway, that was how little girl came into the world. I am now writing this while she's sleeping on my lap after finishing nursing [written before the "milking crises"..] Seems like she's been here forever :-). And yes, the end result is what counts. But it still saddens me that this was her entry into the world. Being thrown into sudden contractions (at least I knew they were coming) and then sucked out into full light, taken away from mother and all these tests and pokings she had to endure (and still has :-( ).
If I am lucky and do get to be pregnant again, I am most certainly not going the hospital route. Personally I really feel liked I missed out on the birth experience, didn't have at all any צירי לחץ, being treated as a medical patient and not as a person bringing a new life into the world and the atomosphere in general (like when I tried and breastfeed - she was put on me a few minutes, and of course I didn't really manage as besides being new at this I was after a stressful birth, but unstead of calmly letting me, she was taken away). I would like to have an amending experience. O.K, that's way into the future, if and if and if. And maybe I'm bitter because I do believe I shouldn't have had the induction and most certainly I believe the suction was not necessary. My perfect little girl came out with an apgar of 9 & 10. The distress she was "in" was probably due to her heart monitor keeping on disconnecting (another reason why not hospital. Those monitors are so annoyingly bad).

Friday, 23 July 2010

Growing Spurts

Growing spurts.. who needs them?? At least she's now asleep after a very long and tiring morning (but guess who can't sleep..). But the constant feeding... and nice how all where I read they mention that it is (in addition of course to gaining more calories) for mother to increase her milk. Thank you but my milk will not increase if I do not have any time to express (and not that before I had loads of time with the girl who is done with 15-20 minute naps during the day), and if I am beyond tired. Oh, well, at least I expect a giant lying in the cradle, instead of my little girl, when she wakes! And guess if sleep is eluding me, then expressing it should be.

Remember I mentioned how she sleeps 6 hours at night? Jinxed that! We're now down to 4. But still, there is some sleep going on, and I am a night owl so the nights are much easier for me. It's the mornings that are the bad.

Should add all these fun things she is now doing! Like following with her eyes, and smiling to my voice, and mabye not yet real cooing, but kind of bubbling. :-))

I guess I need it! Though am tired as I hardly had a chance to sleep, young lady (after the hard morning) slept and slept and slept! But at least I'm tured now and not exhausted.