Butterfly's Birthday

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Sunday, 24 January 2010

Two tests in One day

Will start of by saying that all was well in both. Had two glimpses of my little one today :-) [though in the first she was so cute with her hands above her face, the images that were printed weren't the best, so no pics.. oh, and as for a belly picture - maybe later on, right now I don't feel like I would like to share such, but thanks for asking!]

So this morning I went with my mother to a level II scan. She was so impressed (no u/s in her days, not to mention these level II scans where each and every organ is checked..). I thought she went with my sister, but seems she was there just to look after my sister's kid.
On the way, passing nearby the hospital where I'm planning of giving birth, she mentioned something in the assumption that she will be there with me. O.K, taking you to the scan was nice and all, but no way do I want you attending my birth! I already asked sister #1 who in some (maybe many) ways is much more a mother to me, to be there, and she agreed. Will have to think how to "break the news" to my mother.. Don't think I even want her in the hospital when I'm still in the stages before actually delivering, but that will be a tough one as she lives next door and will obviously know when I'm in labour.
On the way back she tried snooping some hints about Birdy's name. The other day she and sister #3 had a go at it - is it a name that can be both in Hebrew and in English (mum); is it a Biblical name (sis), didn't answer them, but it's kind of fun hearing how they are trying.. Anyway she goes today - I know it's a secret and you don't want to tell, and I think it's great you're keeping it as a surprise, but just tell me if it has one syllable or two.. Hmmm no, not one syllable and not two. To which she gave a not pleasing sound "so three syllables". Yeah. I LOVE long names, lol. She now went back to whether one name or two, but told her I already revealed too much! But I do know I will have to tell soon ( I know when I'd like to).

Going back to the test, mostly it went o.k, though there were a lot of her pressing hard against my belly as baby wasn't in a good position. And then she needed to go vaginally as baby would not turn [I have a stubborn little girl in there! Like her mother :-)]. I hate the vag way! Not only do I hate the "entry" (and as she was trying to be so gentile, it took her even longer..) but now with the pregnancy it is even worse. Oh well.. Luckily it was really only one feature and she was out in no time. But all in all there were a lot of pressing - definitely not a nice time for baby as well. In this active birth forum I surf, there was a discussion the other day about doing all these tests, and vaginal scans in particular. There were those who declared proudly how they didn't have any (or almost none, can't remember for sure) tests, and most were boasting how they never had a vaginal u/s. Well good for you, just to get pregnant I had numerous of those [these women are mostly at their 3,4,5 or whatever birth, having already had a bad birth experience and wanting a better one]. Anyway, I think I digressed a bit :-) One point they made for not having too many tests (mainly u/s) was that it is discomfort for the baby. Yes I am sure it is, especially when the doctor has to press and shake and whatever to move the baby. But there are many discomforts babies have to endure, that's life. And there is a benefit to these tests - seeing your baby, having the feeling of knowing her, of companionship, of bonding with her.
Which leads me to this T.V programme where they talked about all the testings (one was against doing any tests what so ever, as whatever the outcome will be, it is from the love of G-d. Thank God he was a minority..) and this book that talked about how too many tests can make the pregnancy a stressful time, not encouraging the development of the "good" hormones required for birth. And yes, we are probably number one here for all these tests we do. So this other test I had today, an echo of baby's heart. Not because there was any suspicious finding but just because I'm not doing the amniotic. Knew it would be a waste of time.. oh well, at least I saw her again. Anyway, as the book mentioned, the problem with all these tests is that they look for the pathology, for the what's wrong, therefore causing stress etc to the mother. Like the echo I had today. Though the dr. said all was well, and it was written in the bottom line that everything is o.k, one of the lines read that baby doesn't have such and such a feature. Now I'm not a doctor and don't know if not having it is a good or a bad thing. At first I was a bit worried (maybe it is something small and insignificant, but still something?) and was going to google it up. But then I decided I am not going to worry about it! I will of course show the results to my doctor [whoever he or she might be!], but that's it. But that just showed me how all these tests can cause one so much worry and even panic.

And then there is this scare that's creeping back. Right now it's not so much the birth itself (though my panic levels will probably rise as I approach my due date!), but the day after. Oh my god*, I am going to be a mother, and there is no return. My life as was will never be the same. And this little girlie, she chose me to mother her, and wow, that is such a big responsibility! This is not a job you can fail at. I do believe I will be o.k and all at mothering (hell, lets kick humility aside, I believe I have it to be much more then just o.k!), but it is still a scary transition.

Will end this long post telling you how although I'm not sure about the butterfly sensation I had as it was too high (but might have been her kicking and me feeling not the kick itself but a vibration or something), but I now definitely feel her kicks (though I haven't decided whether she's a dancer or a football player [that is soccer for you Americans :-)])!

* notice how I first capitalized and omitted middle letter as you are not supposed to (well Jews aren't supposed to) say or write his full name [and for argument sake let it be a "him"], then just capitalize, and now even not that..

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Before and After, or Books Books Books

* books on pregnancy mentioned *

A while ago I wrote about wanting to move my bookcase down to my entrance. One of these "little" projects in getting my place ready. So I stripped the bookcase of all the books, piling them up in the centre of the room, took the shelves down, gave it all a wipe, and.... nothing! Couldn't get on and felt completely stuck, was in a catch 22 - thought I would ask a male member of my family to help move it, but was not going to let any BIL of mine see my place.. On the other hand, I really couldn't start doing any work while all the books were in the centre and the bookcase was still here, they were just too much in the way (probably more mentally than physically).
And then, last weekend mother said lets do it! We can move the bookcase ourselves. And so we did :-). Took all the books outside to give them a wipe before putting them back on the shelves. Truth is I let my mother do most of the arranging of the books on the shelf, as I knew I would get lost there, not know how I want to do it, know how I don't and again be stuck (and while it is not right how they are arranged, I will leave it for now as it is. Really don't have the energy to start re-arranging). We (well I) did have time to worry about, as I "damped" all the books outside and needed it all done by day break. It started of as a nice and sunny day, but gradually got colder.. The next day (Sunday) it started to rain (well actually in the evening) and has been wintry ever since (notice my coat? I think I wore it about 4 or 5 times this winter!), so it was a good thing we got it done.
Showing here pictures of the before and after. Well not really before, more midway, but I'm not showing anymore "before" than that!



And books.. A while back I asked my sisters for pregnancy books. Sister#3 had just one book to give me (What to expect when expecting. Didn't like it at all as it is all the time talking about things to worry about. Thank you very much but I prefer not occupying my mind with what can go wrong and all) and sister #6.. well she gave me some booklets published by baby stuff manufacturers, one or two books for afterwards, and a book about pregnancy that I gave her! Was kind of disappointed. Anyway the other day she came with a whole load of books! So I'm now slowly reading into them all. One place they were talking about the history of knowledge, and it was quite funny to read how they once thought the baby was created solely within the female and the male just gave it nourishment, and then there was the thought (after seeing the sperm in a microscope for the first time) that the baby is entirely within the head of the sperm, and the female's job is summed up with providing the surrounding! And then (I think in the 16th & 17th century) these two theories were battling each other! But it is amazing how far we have gone in our knowledge. I mean that book was written in the 60s and conceiving through IVF was unheard of. And ultrasound images weren't around (though this book [and another one from the same time] is full of pictures of baby in womb. I guess they did have the technology back then, but it was not for "everyone's" use (not that the images we have today are close to the beautiful pictures in these books!).
And some of these books (as you might guess by them being from the 60s) were my mother's when she was expecting. Nice to have a little glimpse into her world back then. I mean I do ask a lot of questions, but nothing like peeking into the books she read..

And now, ladies and gentlemen, please go over to Mel's Show and Tell and read and look at all those lovely pictures and posts people are posting!

Sunday, 17 January 2010

money makes the world go round

About my last post.. sister is very caring and helpful and all. As I think one of the comments said, it was probably her lack of attention, she probably just emptied the clothes from the cupboard and didn't look at them one at a time (and she does have a life, with a baby and a little girl and times are tough for her now). It was me who was feeling bad with all these hand-me downs, me who feel so chocked with finances right now.
And finances is what I want to talk about:-)

There are two very consuming (money-wise) "activities" that I am going to stop. I can't afford them. One is totally unnecessary, the other can very well do without.
When I went to the IVF route, I decided I wanted to have a private doctor. Now I could have done it within the public health system, but thought that it would be best with my own private dr. one who knows my case and all and whom I can phone whenever there might be a problem etc. If/when I'll be attempting ttc for child #2, I'll totally go the public route, but for first child.. Anyway I went to this doctor for for IVF, and then there was a positive and we scheduled a scan where we saw the heart-beat. I was sure that once we'd see that heart beat, that he would say good bye, and I would continue with a "regular" (that is not private) doctor from my kupa (I think it's something like hmo). That didn't happen. Instead he gave me all these tests I should do (and will I get around to writing that Down Syndrome post???), some for the now and some for later, but I was so overwhelmed. I decided I'd continue with him until I got those blood test results (one set done day after NT, the other at 17 weeks), so as to sit together and decide about the amniotic fluid [hmmm... numbers are so great I really didn't need him to advice me yes or no. But obviously didn't know what my results would be at the time].
The meeting before I wanted to mention how the next meeting will be the last, but couldn't.. And then in this last meeting he gave me some more tests to do (does it ever end :-)), and well... again couldn't tell him this is our last meeting. So I will just have to go the coward way, and cancel our next appointment.. I mean I really cannot afford him, and I really don't see any extra benefit from seeing him (I mean my pregnancy is perfectly o.k, no problems [touch wood :-)] or anything). Don't need to pay a high sum to someone to see me and tell me now do this test and now that (a regular doctor from the kupa can do the same..
So now the question is where do I continue from here. There is an option (besides a dr. from the kupa) of going to a child development centre (which is where after birth you go for your baby's vaccinations and regular check-ups (growth and all). Didn't know you can also go before, during pregnancy..). Advantage -it is a nurse you sit with who takes your blood pressure, weight, takes a urine/blood test and that's about it. Now I won't talk about the nurses in these centres who have a great reputation for making new mothers panic that their child is not up to par, but basically I think that should be enough for most of the time, don't need to see a dr. so frequently. Not sure if it means I still need to find a doctor or if their service also includes a doctor. Well, will see..
The other thing I'll have to stop is therapy. Now the last couple of months we went down, because I couldn't over wise, and I did try to say maybe we should finish.. I do think that now is a good a time as any time, and while there will always be issues and always things to discuss, and there are stuff I didn't really talk to her about but want to (and don't want to :-]), I just can't carry on like this. I can't carry on being worried if I'll have enough to pay her, if I'll be making enough money, can't carry on feeling like I only get second hand stuff for baby and can't get her anything new, just can't. So although I could possibly continue, I don't want to feel chocked anymore..

And these tests. Well one of them (for most - the glucose tolerance, a heart echo for fetus he wants me to do as I'm not doing the amniotic , regular blood and urine, I have a referral and can do in the kupa), the second level II scan, I have three options [so as not to complicate an explanation, I will mention prices. If you want to know US$, divide by about 4...]:
1. Do it privately. Too expensive (I think I saw numbers of around 2-3 thousand NIS).
2. Do it through the kupa. Advantage - doesn't cost. Disadvantage - they do a very quick basic of basic scan.
3. Do it semi private, at listed places for 700 NIS and get a refund of 600 NIS.
First level II scan I went for option #3. (I mean, who wouldn't..). Problem is you can only use option 3 once.. So the second one I was going to do through the kupa. But, well.... as of January they made it even better, letting you also have a refund for the second level II scan (of 500 NIS). Except.. seems I am falling between the cracks. Since I did the first one before January (as in before this new regulation), they are giving me a hard time. I am still trying to see if I can get the refund. Right now they offered something else, not good enough but I guess better than nothing.
[think I should add that these befefits are beyond the basic coverage, and I do pay a small sum every month for these "extras"]

O.K, I think that was enough of money talk for quite some time :-) Will end with a happy note.. At last appointment I was a bit worried that I haven't really gained any weight (from the beginning of the pregnancy. And no, I wasn't vomiting and loosing weight in the 1st trimester). I mean, great that I'm not gaining too much weight, but hey.. there's a baby in there, shouldn't I be gaining some weight??
So last night when I got ready for bed, I looked at my belly and - wow, its big! Now I always had a big belly, though might have managed to loose some weight before this last IVF attempt, I still didn't begin with a nice flat tummy (far from it), so I was all along with some kind of belly. But now it looks like its grown like I never had before.. I guess very soon people will be asking :-).

Saturday, 9 January 2010

the unfair rant

O.K the rant..

Most of the baby stuff I am getting from my sisters which generally speaking is really great. I do not have to worry about equipment, clothes and all. I am really not the -have to buy everything new for baby type of person, and I am not in such a financial state where I can afford to go buying everything new, so whatever I can get is more than great.

But, well.... maybe it is also the house which is dragging too long to get done (and I'm only talking about the cleaning/tidying phase, not yet doing repairs and adjustments for baby), right now being in a stuck position, not really knowing how to proceed (as in what will be my little project), but getting everything from others leaves me without the joy of, well you know, of getting things ready for baby. I'm thinking maybe I'll paint the crib (not that it needs painting, not that I have any idea what colour, and not that there's a theme or something [no room for a baby's room]), just so I'll feel that here is something for baby, that is for my baby.

But if I carry on with the rant, and how I am really o.k with second and third hand stuff, and I'll send you back to previous paragraph in case you missed the fact that I am not the cleanest/tidiest person on earth [know the saying how, when a dummy or whatever falls on the floor, with first child you sterilize it, with second you wash it well with hot water and soap and with third you just rinse it? me - I'm having my third...]. So when sister #6 gave me a pile of clothes, and I was looking through them to see what I have (no idea yet about the sizes - is this for a new born, for an older baby etc) I really was not looking for any stains or anything. Just having my first baby stuff, my first little bit of excitement that yes, there is a baby on the way (will add that this happened a few weeks ago). But then there were these two items of clothes which were quite dirty, and that made me feel so bad, couldn't carry on looking at the loot. The thought of my daughter having to wear second hand (and yes, I'll probably dump those dirty ones), of having her wear something that some other mother didn't really care if child is wearing a bib, well not so appealing..

And if I move fast forward to yesterday, to when she brought me a high chair, except there are no straps to tie baby in. She insisted that it's o.k, that she didn't need to strap her child in (she got the chair from sister #3 and either got it without the straps or lost it, she wasn't sure). Well I don't know about her child and how and what, but more so I have no idea about my child. Maybe she will be a very quiet calm girl, and there will be completely no need to strap her in while eating, but then maybe she'll be high spirited jumping and moving all the time and I really will need to tie her. Not to mention that no straps means I can't even turn my back for a second. So having a chair with no straps doesn't seem a good idea. She carried on praising the chair, what a wonderful chair it is. Maybe it is and I am not in a mother to a baby mode yet so I can't see it's wonders (she showed me how you can tilt the chair itself for the early stages when baby isn't yet sitting, but then the tray gets left far behind..), but to me it just looked like a simple high chair, one that had no straps to it! Mother suggested contacting the manufacture and seeing if we can just get the straps, but still, here again this feeling of getting second hand equipment, of stuff that someone else used before..

End of rant!
Still fitting into my trousers, still haven't yet bought maternity clothes, but with the hunger I've started feeling in the last few days, I doubt if that will last long. Hate shopping for clothes!

Friday, 8 January 2010

First I wanted to thank you all for your warm words on my last post! (delurking week is fun :-))

A study about the relationship between women who are about to become SMCs, and their parents/child before and right after birth was looking for volunteers. So I thought that beside helping them with the research, I would also gain some insight into my relations with my mother (I was actually told it was about me and mother, only when I got there did they say - parents. Not that it really matters..). Kind of disappointed because no such thing. I thought it was going to be all these questions where to answer I'd have to search deep and come up with answers. She did give me a very thick questionnaire to fill in (later on that), so maybe there I'll get those insights, but well.. She started with asking me to freely write about my relationship with my mother/father/baby. I really hate open questions, especially as opening ones! I am very terrible at expressing myself on a blank sheet (somehow sitting in front of an empty screen and blogging is different :-)). Then there was a series of pictures I had to make a story to [which I thought would be easy as I am very imaginitive, but boy was it hard! And somewhat embarassing as she wrote everything I said or did!], and that was it.
And oh, the questionnaire..... [as if I've forgotten that thick pile of papers she handed me and asked to be mailed when filled out (though she did forget to give me an address.. lol)]. Was told before how accuracy is important for me, and glancing at some of the questions (mainly the - you and the baby section. oh, here goes Miss Accuracy again!) I can see that..
Most of the questions were to grade statements on a scale 1-7, how well you agree with them. But what when I agree with one part of the sentence and not the other?? A few examples -

I have chosen a name for a girl
O.K, obviously I have no problem with this one, but then
I have chosen a name for a boy
How do I answer it? Because yes, I do have names for both genders (and yes, funny how after pondering about girl's name I am back to my original..). I don't think they asked whether I'm having a boy or a girl (or if I know. Though again - I only had a quick glance). So while I do have a boy's name, it won't be for this child, so a seven or a one??

I stroke/pet my tummy to calm down the fetus
O.K will admit to have started that habit :-). But I do not do it because I feel her or the likes. At least currently, I do it (and only when no one is around..) because I am thinking of her and talking to her [the statement - I talk to the fetus will definitely get a 7..] and probably it makes me feel some kind of connection to her. So while I do stroke belly, it is not in order to keep her calm.. Is the point they're trying to make whether one strokes belly? Then I'll probably have to go with a seven, but I am not liking it..

All the suffering in pregnancy is worth it
Oh this question was... Well first I want to say sorry for all you guys out there who are still trying (or waiting to try). Battynurse - you so deserve all the help you can get! You are an amazing wonderful person who is always there for others and you most certainly deserve others to be there for you! Meandbaby - I really hope this one has sticky feet! Kate, Meg, princess of the tide, tiregal, pepper, gwinne, musings of a fat chick, wishy, Tracey *(damn, there are too many of you. Hope I haven't missed anyone) - I am so hoping for all of you that you get to get your babies soon, very soon! And I am sorry as this feels like gloating or boasting, and if the question was to talk about the journey to become pregnant, that would be something else. But I am so not suffering (yes, here my arm sometimes gets numb, there my leg really hurts when I sleep too long and the shortness of breath and a few other tidbits, but well, not complaining). On the contrary, I feel like I am on seventh heaven, I am so enjoying myself. I really wanted to be pregnant, it was so important for me not only to have a kid [though have to admit that any other way, well adoption, is quite closed before me as I do not have the funds] but to carry a baby, to experience pregnancy, and I feel so lucky I am getting my aged old dream come true. So not suffering and completely worth it - is that a seven or a one?? I so hate those questions where one part suits you and the other not. [or do they assume pregnancy=suffering and are asking if it is worth being pregnant!?]

* Not linking, so not to "call you" upon to my blog if you are not in a place where you can read a pregnant gal's rumblings.

[wanted to end with an unrelated rant, but I think I'll leave it for another time]

Thursday, 7 January 2010


So it seems the first week of January is delurking week.
I often wonder about people who read but never leave a comment. I suppose everyone has their reasons, and I too don't comment on everything I read (to be honest, I tend less to leave a comment if I feel that it's a one way street, if I never get any feedback from that blogger that acknowledges me in any way). But it is a wonder that comes together with a wow! There is someone out there, who while may not leave a comment, still comes back again and again to read my words. A total wow!
As this week (or what's left of it) is delurking week, I would love love love to hear from some of you lurkers! You can just say hi, or if you really want to fill my curiosity you can tell me why you read me and/or how you came by my blog :-) Thank you so much for delurking!

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Is it?

Trying a lot to lie down and see if I can feel her. I know that in a first pregnancy this usually comes later, whether because you don't know what to expect or whatever (like the tummy that pops out earlier in later pregnancies, etc). So as expected, nothing really yet.
But... for the past two or three days, after sitting for a while by the computer, I get this butterfly sensation. I kind of mostly ignored it, as it seems too high to be the baby, and well, when I'm sitting. I did try before, when I got this sensation, to go and lie down to see what happens, and..... nothing.
Yeah, it's probably not (although was told that when in doubt, then it is it..), but if it is, does it mean she loves when I'm at the computer :-D?

Friday, 1 January 2010

A Great Day :-)

No, not the year ending thing that's happening tonight (though for the fun of it I think I'll schedule this post to midnight [it's 21:30 now..]). Funny, somebody wrote something about where she was 10 years ago and I was trying to think back where I was 10 years ago, and how I was 20 and how long ago that seems. LOL long ago indeed! [if you don't know, I'll be 40 in a few months... (Which was kind of depressing when I realized how quickly it's approaching. Boy, 40!)]

Anyway.. I have three pairs of training trousers I bought so I can do yoga but which I need to shorten and well unfortunately I don't know to do that (I think I can sew a button, but well... not a nice sight to say the least..). There's sister #6 who knows about sewing and using the sewing machine [and I do have to digress to tell the story of how, when she was in high school and was learning about the sewing machine, she was so excited, she made us all pairs of shorts from....... curtains! Noddy curtains to be exact!! (well actually the material that was used to make those curtains when we were little, but still, almost like from The Sound of Music)]. Anyway she's too busy with her life now. And then there's my mother who offered to trim them for me, but then asked me to cut them to the length I want (and I was skeptical of her sewing abilities even before that!), so nope, I think I'd rather not. So that leaves the local seamstress. Except I am so "good" at putting off things. Manyana. So today I said I really must, but then.. I was so lazy getting out of the house that I thought I wouldn't have time. But I made it! And on the way to pick up my nephew from kindergarten, I even had time to stop by at the green grocer and buy me some fruit - I am so terrible on food lately, if there is a new year's resolution, that's to go back to eating fruit in the morning (over-wise I don't usually eat anything for breakfast), and in general to eat more fruit and vegs. (it's only laziness that prevents me from eating fruit and veg. as I do like them).

And then to finish off today, I got a letter with the results of 2 blood tests I did - 1st was done the day after the NT and the second 10 days ago, both are supposed to forecast the probability of Down Syndrome [and I think I will write about that another day]. One could get results after the first test, but then this lab where I've done it, won't give you a combined statistics. So I prefered the waiting option.
And as for the results.. by age I have a 1:130 chance, which I would say is quiet a bad chance. But when they combined the results of the blood tests I've done (6 tests) and my age, it went up to 1:11000!! Oh, I am so so happy! I was a bit anxious about this test (and was waiting for the new year to get the results), because well I knew age would be a major factor. I know it is only a statistical test, but well.....

21:30 may have been when I started writing this post. But me, jumping around, doing this doing that, it is now way past midnight. I still think I will back-post this post to midnight, just for the fun of it :-).

Oh, and jumping around.. the bit above about the results wasn't the end of the day. Sister #5 came by, and well lately we had some tension going on between us [probably on the background of her feeling currently in lost of direction in life, while me with my pregnancy, with fulfilling my dream (not to mention that she would love to become a mother, though she would rather wait for a partner than go the single route)], and so.. peace was back between the two sisters :-).

Happy New Year !!