A Meme

Was tagged a while back by Heavy heart. Did mean to do tag, but here and there, so now on to the tag in which I'm supposed to share 7 weird facts about myself

Well, besides my computer which I am hooked to, I kind of don't really live in the 21st century. Partly because as always I do things late (hmm, very late) but mostly because I'm an ideologue person. So my seven weirdnesses:

1. I do not own a cell phone. Yes, sure there are times when having a cell phone could have helped. Times of emergency in which there don't seem to be any public call boxes. But I don't want a cell phone. I don't want to be enslaved by it. People are always telling me that I can always turn it off, but it is not the same, and well since most people do have cell phones, in times of emergency... *
2. I don't have a T.V set. I did have one up until about half a year ago when I started clearing my place and happily gave it to my mum (who now has an extra T.V in her kitchen). I don't watch a lot of T.V and want that at least the first couple of years of my child's life will not be spent gazing at a screen.
3. O.K, now we are coming to a point where I'm hopefully just not there yet, late as usual but that it will change. Hmm... I don't have a driving licence. Before enlisting I had quite a few tests (failed, of course. and can contradict refute the common belief myth of a free seventh test..). Since then I didn't really have time or (mainly) the money to learn. I am saving up for it, since even if I don't have a car, I think it's important to do.
4. I don't own a credit card. Any. Like to have the feel of the money, to know exactly how much I spend. Yes, it has it's down side in a 21st century world like not being able to order things from the web or in general, but I'm O.K with that.
5. Another just late point ( i.e really no ideology behind this one :-D). I have never had a massage or acupuncture or shiatsu etc. Don't know, I do want to but never go round to. And I think the more I never did these things the more scared I get. Sister #5 has invited me for a massage (yet to be done) and I bombed her with questions - do I lie naked or just with undies etc. (yes, I'm very shy of my body).
6. I'm claustrophobic, afraid of heights and many other things. I'm not extreme and can go up lifts, but prefer not to. My rule of thumb is that up to the 3rd floor I use the stairs, above that I may use a lift. Monday is a day where I have to go up a third floor, followed later by a sixth floor with a very small and old lift - not for me! So Monday is my day of exercise :-D.
7. The way I want to raise my child. Don't know how much I will be able to etc, but would love to have a home birth (I don't think I will be able to do that. Kind of frustrating as sister #6 who got the notion from me is and will while I won't) and to home educate, etc.

tagging: MeAndBaby ; Joni ; Leaping Hurdles ; princessoftides ;
Queen Yogi ; Miss X

As always am late (ooo, very very late), so will leave them a note about being tagged later on..

* I do have a phone at home (I'm not that far behind.. in case not clear, talking about when not home)

Scrapbook

Mother came back from England with my logic magazine [as always :-). Sister #1 gets cheese puffs; my dad some ham or bacon or something like that (though not if my mum is doing the travelling, she won't have those unkosher things anywhere near her), and packets & packets of Kit-Kat for all (less nowadays since you can {occasionally..} get Kit-Kat here, and well, since we're not little kids anymore), and I get my logic magazine] and the scrapbook I asked her to get me.
I asked for it in those few days when I thought that yes, I am. I'm not yet doing any buying or anything for baby. Way too early for that. I mean I do have my eyes set on the clothes switching going on between sister#3 (who has a 3.5 year old boy and who gave birth recently to a baby girl) and sister #6 who has a 1.5 little girl and is expecting a son. I really couldn't care the least if the clothes are boys' or girls', just happy to know they exist.. But beyond having my eyes set, well as I said - too early. Anyway when I thought I was I asked my mother to buy me a scrapbook. I don't want the regular baby albums and would rather create my own baby book. Except.. was kind of disappointed with it. The book itself seems to be too big (in fact, it's huge) but not so thick, and the pages don't seem as rough as I remembered, oh and the cover.. (O.K I'm sure sister #5 will be able to take care of that!). But maybe, well, I'm sad to have to put it aside for god knows how long?

IComLeavWe

Oh, so embarassing! I was so looking forward for the IComLeavWe! Leaving 6 comments a day (or at least aspiring to), visiting "new" blogs and all.
If there is an iron commenter for one who leaves comments on all the blogs on the list, there should also be a kaka commenter for someone who leaves none, zero, nil, cipher (thank-you thesaurus) comments.
Yes, it wasn't really out of choice, just a very bad timing. I was out of internet the whole week. Managed to publish last post at my sister #3's house (and was kind of kicked out by her husband [she was away]) and another day managed to sneak a peak at sister #1's computer (with her I dared not go into blogs. More so her 20 yrs old daughter was sitting too close..), but that's all. Later I thought I should have mailed Mel to ask her to take me off the list (but clever me thought of that only after I left).
Think next month I won't go on the list, and just try to participate..

Oh, and while I'm writing..
Last few years I kind of hate Hanukka. Such a kids holiday with all the songs and the lighting of the candles and the food [you know Jewish holidays can be summarized as: we fought; we won; we ATE..]. Such a joyful holiday and such gloomy when it's not your kid lighting the Hanukiya etc. Well this year I participated in two nights of candle lighting (oh, when I am a mother I/we will be lighting candles all eight days!). First was at my sister's (#1, if you must) which was real fun (I don't think I enjoyed Hanukka as much as I did for quite some time.. oh, and just one kiddo [not counting the baby and the two young adults]). Second was with the SMC group, where I was the only one there trying (and was asked again and again which one is mine..) so did have some regrets for coming, but nevertheless did have a great time!
So I am now rethinking Hanukka. It is a great holiday! And I just can't wait (next year, perhaps?) to celebrate it with my own kid!

The Bare Necessities

The Bare Necessities / Phil Harris, Bruce Reitherman

Look for the bare necessites

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

Old Mother Nature's recipes

That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wonder, wherever I roam

I couldn't be fonder of my big home

The bees are buzzin' in the tree

To make some honey just for me

When you look under the rocks and plants

And take a glance at the fancy ants

Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

That's why a bear can rest in ease

With just the bare necessities of life

Now when pick a pawpaw

Or a prickly pear

And you pick a raw paw

Next time beware

Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw

When you pick a pear

Try to use the claw

But you don't need to use the claw

When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw

Have I given you a clue?

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it

Fall apart in my backyard

'Cause let me tell you something little britches

If you act like that bee acts, uh uh

You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around

For something you want that can't be found

When you find out you can live without it

I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

I asked sis to draw me a warm and motherly bear (prefferably broen) with a colourful butterfly on it. Kind of imagined bear to be standing, but oh well (LOL)...

So this is the new me. An image that will be O.K with me both trying and then (hopefully) when a mother.

I will now be going ungoogleable since I would really rather this blog not be found by my family.

P.S

no interne, writing on my brother in laws computer (have very limited time since he soon needs it). and really don't understand why the line spacing goes all funny.

blue 2

Blues.. Naming last post "blue" I really forgot about that other meaning of blue, but now I am definitely blue. There is this post I wrote this morning on the way to the clinic, and there's a TTC update.

Before I go on, I just want to clarify - I am a collector of information and do like to help whenever I can. That has nothing to do with being blue in the forum. It is just that now I have to be more aware of what and how I say.

I'll start with the intended post:
Things between me and my mother are not good right now. They have never been best, but now are bad times. She is a mother, over 45 years ago she decided to marry and start her family, have kids, and that somehow is a job title that never ends. Not that she was the best of mums growing up. Growing up my father was really mean to me, he was a rotten father, so I used to go to her for protection. Going to her, being in her shade, led my father to believe that I was my mother's little girl. So not.
She is a mother by title only. She will do things because as a mother she needs to, but it is so not from the heart [the funny thing is seeing how she helps sister #6 with her daughter, she really goes out of the way to help her, something she didn't do with any previous grandkids].
And now, all the time fighting me. All the time worried about her space, her her her, not about me and how she can be more motherly to me. She portrays me as this evil thing that she has to fight all the time. And the funny thing is that if she would cease to go head to head with me, if she would pick up her head and see me for once, she would see that our goals aren't that different, and that helping me, being a mother to me, would also benefit her.
But she can't see me, she so can't see me. And I try and try and try. Shrink says I keep trying because I haven't yet given up hope. I should, because the pain each time..

As regards TTC - seems I have a cyst, and have to sit out this month. Last thing I want to do. I so can't just sit out and wait and wait and wait. Another wasted month of not doing anything.
Oh, and my diagnosed moved from "single" to "unexplained". Actually last month they wrote unexplained on my chart, but then I thought it was amusing. Now it's errrrrrrrrr.
And dr. said that if this try won't work out, I should proceed to IVF. Kind of knew that since the usual protocol here is doing three medicated cycles before moving on to IVF.

Blue

There is this Israeli SMC forum in which I surf. This forum is quite big and contains all - from those who are thinking of becoming single mothers by choice, to those who are trying, to those who are already mothers.
From this big forum, branched out a smaller forum for those who are not yet there. Personally, if I have a question or want to share something or whatever, I usually prefer doing it in the big forum because the women there are much more knowledgeable, have more experience and there are more people there, but people said that sometimes they felt that the big forum is much more focused on the mothers and they feel out of place (I will admit that lately I breeze through this forum, and skip all the mothers-children stuff, I just look for discussions about inseminations; hormones; etc. [and I am usually a perfectionist who has to read all!]), so this little forum was opened. This, by the way, occurred before my time.
The manager of the forum is one of the managers of the big forum, but she can appoint others to help with management, because obviously she is long beyond it. The people who manage are blue (most others are plain black. There are also people in red which is just to honour, comes with no powers).
Anyway for some time now we didn't really have a manager since both the appointed ones don't surf anymore (one delivered a few weeks ago, the other should any day now, and they really don't have time). It's not such a big deal, but it's nice to have someone who can pin messages or delete or whatever.
More than a month ago they asked who volunteers to take over, I raised my hand but didn't hear anymore from them.
Last week I became blue there, together with this other wonderful person (I am really happy to be managing with her!)

And this was all a background..
I just wanted to write a post about how now I feel I have to be more careful with what I say. It's not that I think that before I was careless or thoughtless or unkind or the sort. But now that I am blue, I know that people (mainly newcomers who don't know me from before) look more at what I say. Now I have a responsibility. It was nice to see though, when I asked for their birthdays (so to be able to congratulate on the day), how they all followed suit - they wrote in the exact same format that I used (I wrote a full date [including the year] plus my nickname [which is slightly different from what is written, long story..]). And yes, I could have done that before, but you know, being blue..
Oh, and it was funny to see what the "top manager" let us do and what she didn't. She shut the option of playing around with the design - we can't change the picture or the colour scheme etc. [not that I was even thinking], but let open the option of turning a surfer red. Just made me laugh..

scattered

First thank you all for your support. This is such an amazing community!

As I already mentioned, when I went to have the blood tests done for the new bank, I was asked if I'm pregnant, started saying that I don't know and had the nurse register it as a "no". Oops, silly me forgot that some tests (like rubella) they only do on pregnant women. Last time the nurse said something about it, so I mentioned that I was trying to conceive. Forgot about it this time. Which means they (probably) didn't test me for rubella, which means I have to go again. Annoying if you think that it's not as if I myself can ask to have a blood test done, but it has to come with a doctor's note, so trust me that if my doctor asked for this test, then it is requested.

I could see the doctor at the clinic only on Wednesday which will probably be first day of stims. Luckily I still have some drugs left (I have no idea, but my guess is that we'll continue with the same protocol).

Tomorrow I hope to buy vials of my new sperm. I have most of the tests they wanted (actually, back then they wanted me to buy, so it should be O.K). Unfortunately I can't find my I.D card (to prove I'm single, but I hope that won't be a problem). I do hope donor is still available. Oh, and they only allow buying two vials at a time..

And love. Last week, when I thought I was carrying my child, I felt love for this thing growing inside me. And it amazed me. I couldn't feel it, see it or anything, just knowing it is there and my heart was already loving it. And I couldn't but think how when I'll see it in the u/s and then (or before? what comes first?) feel it moving/kicking and when it's born etc etc, how this love can only grow and grow.
Thinking about "regular couples", couples who decide it's time to have a baby and just stop taking pills or using condoms or whatever, still in the when it will happen it will happen. They too might have chemical pregnancies, but they wouldn't know about it. For them it's only a period coming late. But then again, they wouldn't have the privilege of loving your child from almost the absolute beginning..

No, not this time.

The temps. such a tale tellers.
On Thurs morning it was low, but I was hoping it was a fluke. Then the next night I couldn't sleep, just tossed and turned, so I couldn't really check my temp, but whenever I shoved the thermometer into my mouth (yes, I can become quite obsessive about it..), the numbers seemed to be low. The plan was to wait till morning (or should I say - sleep), wake up, see a nice high temp, do a HPT and see two dark lines. Well, at some point I decided that if I can't do the temp, at least I can do a HPT. I did, and the second line (if indeed there was a second line) came out much fainter. That is not the direction I was hoping for, but I persuaded myself that it's only because it's a different brand.
And last night I began having these cramps. The "weird" thing all along was not having any symptoms at all. I did have mild period pains at first, but then even that stopped. And then last night. On one hand I was hoping that maybe, on the other hand...

Well this morning I woke up to another low temp. And then I got my period. So I guess it was a chemical pregnancy, but as they say - at least now I know that my body can become pregnant. And I do have a new bank, with a donor I am pleased with (hope he is still available..).
Oh, and the pain, yes, that is a bitch! Maybe I was lucky all these years, but wow, these cramps are something..

And I wonder if I should go in tomorrow morning for a beta. Since I got my period, I really don't see it necessary. I would really rather not wake up so early etc etc if I don't have to go, and just make an appointment for a Dr.

(sorry, can't think of a title)

Thank you all!!
Can't believe that a soul up there decided to come down and be my kid..

Tested again this morning (after holding my pee all night - I usually go to the loo in the middle of the night) and got another faint line. Went to have my beta taken and waited anxiously by the phone. Of course when the clinic phoned I didn't answer and just let the machine take the message. She said I was probably pregnant (thank you very much..) and that my beta is a bit low (25, kind of thought it would be on the lower side as the pee sticks were faint) and that I should come in again on Sunday or Monday. Well, another wait..
I don't have any more pee sticks and won't test tomorrow morning, but will buy tomorrow to test Friday Saturday (Sunday?), I just figure that since it was so faint, I should give it another day for it to get a bit darker.. (but am still temping).

A line is a line is a line, isn't it - however faint it is? Then OMG, OMG, OMG - YESSSSSSS!!!!!!

Couldn't see anything at first and was crying because I was so so sure. But then, holding it up against the light and twisting and turning, I could see a faint line. Outside (where I took the pic) it became a bit more clear.
Then thought maybe it's residues of the Ovidrel I took, but since I took the shot 15 days ago, it can't be! It's probably faint because I didn't use morning pee (bought it today to test tomorrow, but you know - once I had the test in my hand, just couldn't resist testing). Wow, I really can't believe it! Will check again tomorrow morning.

Now have to get along with sorting my house. Called sister #5 the other day to help me with the cats, though reluctant, she said she will. So now have to get it going.

Feeling a bit unpleasant about telling the new bank. I do want to keep my options there open, just in case..

And the timing is probably great :-) Counting on sister #3 to invite us all one of the Hanukka nights to light the candles (she usually does..) which will be a great opportunity for me to tell everyone. Not too far away, but also not too near, gives me a week or two before telling.

Thank-you all for your good wishes :-).

Pregnant?

No symptoms. None what so ever.
Did have some period is approaching pains the other day.
But the temperature. For the last two days it is rising! Not only is it not going down, but rising. Last month I had a fever exactly at the end of the cycle (such a bad timing..), so the high temp could not have been an indicator. But now.. So am I???
Leaving now to get blood drawn for the missing tests the bank wanted. She will ask me if I'm pregnant (seems they have to ask all women of fertile age). Not sure if I'll just say no, or I don't know.
If not pregnant should be getting my period by tomorrow. Not sure if I'll get a HPT today (and test tomorrow morning) or tomorrow (and test Wed morning). I think I prefer the second choice.

Added later:
While waiting to have my blood drawn, they asked if they could check my blood pressure. Well, why not.. If I am pregnant it would be nice to know. So 110/75. Nice :-). But I am a bit over weight.
Oh, and when asked (whether I'm pregnant) was going to say "don't know", which in Hebrew is "no know". I just manged to utter the "no" when she turned away to register a "no". Oh well..

Show and Tell #1

My two-week-wait craziness. It started in my previous TWW. Probably even unrelated, I just had to finally found out the difference between the "nana" tea and the "menta" one - both Hebrew words that basically mean "mint", but as they are two different kinds of tea, there must be a difference between them. So I bought those two packets of tea. And then I bought more tea, and more tea, even tea I knew I wouldn't drink right then (I am very strict in the TWW with what I eat/drink - completely no caffeine, etc [I don't drink coffee, so it's not such a biggie]. Later when I am pregnant, I will be more flexible). Just had such craving to buy the tea, a craving that still continues in my current TWW).

The tea list:

1. red tea with cinnamon and vanilla (definitely my favourite!)
2. red tea with rosehips and passionfruit
3. red tea with rosehips and passionfruit (cheat #1 - it's an empty box, but was bought during the TWW..)
4. green tea with peppermint
5. blood orange and mandarine
6. white tea - jasmine (no idea what is white tea. since it contains caffeine, have to wait with this one..)
7. Royal Earl Grey (another cheat since was bought quite a while ago. One of my least favourites)
8. Earl Grey tea leaves (I love earl grey [above tea is not Earl Grey], but unfortunately I mistakenly got this one instead of the tea bag version)
9. cocoa rooibos with ginger and herbs (sounds yummy, but have no idea how it tastes..)
10. green tea with spearmint leaves
11. lemon tea (which you would probably agree is quite stupid, if you knew there's a lemon tree in the garden with lovely lemons growing on it..)
12. verbena and zaatar
13. fennel
14. apple and honey
15. lemonana (a mix of lemon and "nana")

Oh, and the difference between nana and menta? One is peppermint, the other spearmint. Unfortunately looking them up in the web, I discovered that they are not recommended for pregnant women, so baned in the TWW.

Now go back to Mel's blog and see what the rest of the class are showing.

P.S
Wednesday's low temp was probably a fluke since yesterday and today are highs again. I do occasionally have a low temp in the luteal phase, but usually earlier (meaning nothing) or later (meaning approaching period).
But I doubt if I'm pregnant. I am sure that if I were, at this stage I would know, would have the gut feeling that I am. And no feeling, no symptoms. Oh and am now [which is in fact later on in the day] feeling my period coming...

New Donor.... New Bank

So, chose today a new donor at a new bank. Actually, not really new bank. This was the bank I originally wanted to use, except... after waiting for about 4 months for my original appointment with them, they called to say that they are postponing all new appointments by a few months. I really couldn't wait to start, so went with this other bank.
And they are so nice! The doctor asked if he knew me, to which I replied that no (from where would I know him!?). But it seems he knew me from the fertility clinic as he also works there- nice that he recognized me, nicer still as I think I probably saw him only once, and I didn't recognize him.. Also liked his gesture at the end when he shook my hand (unlike previous bank's dr. who made stupid jokes all along the appointment and didn't really seem to care. Although it doesn't really matter, since from now I don't have to be in contact with him). It was nice that although I didn't have all the tests they required (I got this appointment from someone who gave it to me [otherwise it's about a 6 months wait..], so I brought the old tests I had which apparently are too old), they let me go on and choose a donor (and even wanted me to buy vials, except I would prefer to first wait till the end of the TWW). Previous bank, when I had just one test missing, one small tiny test, made me bring the result before I could continue. New bank - oh, just fax us the results. At old bank I luckily wrote known details of donor, new bank surprised me and gave me these details. How nice of them! Especially as that is so important for me (later on that). And I know new bank won't be so irritating like with the note and like with Friday insems (when I had an insem on a Fri at old bank, I had to wiggle. At new bank I was told to notify them in advance if I know, or even suspect insem might be on a Fri since they finish early on a Fri. (they mentioned the Fri without me asking about it, so I know it won't be a problem. Plus old bank did originally tell me that Fridays aren't a problem only to change a tune when Fri was a reality). Not to mention I didn't like how old bank suddenly upped their prices (one of their benefits was their relatively lower prices. Not any more after they upped them).

And I get so little information about the donor. Me who always inquisits about my heritage, who is always asking my parents about their background, who always wants to know, will be denying this from future child.
There are no open donors here in Israel, only closed ones. Yes, some people do order sperm from overseas (mainly the states), but that is way way way too expensive (I'm not talking about open donor being more expensive, or [if I'm not mistaken] that sperm in the U.S.A is a bit more expensive than here in Israel, but the shipment and the storage etc. It comes to about 10 times the price I pay, and I really can't afford that. I do feel somewhat selfish about it, but I know that the only way for me to have a child will be to deny her/him part of their heritage.
Therefore it is important for me to collect whatever data I can. Whether it's the few physical traits I know, any additional data about donor, even when the sperm was frozen (info I get from the sealed envelope I have to pass from bank to clinic, which obviously I'm not supposed to open, but then you don't let the cat watch the milk).

And this new donor.. I really didn't care who. I will admit that I did fancy the Yemenite guy (I love that skin colour!), but no big deal. Since I am a carrier of a genetic disease, it was more important to go with any guy who was checked for this disorder (although Yemenite guy would have probably done just fine since we are of different ethnic backgrounds).
Extra bonus with new guy is his religion, or rather what he is not - He is not a Jew. I honestly couldn't care a damn if he is a Jew, a Christian, or whatever, I really don't care. Except that having an unknown Jew as a father might cause problems with the religious authorities later on if and when child wants to marry (no civil marriages here. Those who can't [and there are plenty who can't] fly over to Cyprus and return as a married couple). Kind of a paradox, but while the Jewish religion is passed on by the mother, the lineage is passed through the father, so if the father is unknown, it is unknown if he is a Cohen (who can't marry a divorcee) or a bastard (who can't marry for 7 [or is it 10?] generations except each other), for example. But if father is not Jewish, then there's no problem. I wasn't particular looking for a non-Jewish donor (at last bank there were only Jews. Oh, I might as well as tell you that there were only 4 donors to choose from...), but knew this was another hardship I'm putting on future child. So I am happy that (if indeed non-Jew guy will be the donor - the woman in charge did hint that I should pay for donor as soon as possible since what's up today might not be tomorrow, but I prefer waiting till the end of the TWW) I have something less to worry about.
Somehow, with this new bank and new donor, I kind of hope I'm not pregnant..

Shut Down

Finally, after over a week of my computer being open, I am going to close it (but being addicted as I am, I will probably open it again in 5 minutes time..). I don't usually like having the computer on non-stop for so long, but I had this translation job I had to finish, and it dragged on and on and I didn't want to close the computer until I finished it.
This job actually fell on me [is there such a phrase in English?? Probably not since it didn't come up in a google search] in a time most needed. I do need that extra cash that a job like this can bring, and was actually going to advertise at universities and colleges around here (students always need articles translated into Hebrew, and usually can't afford to go to a professional translator), but never got around to it (oh, I am so laaaaazy), so when this woman asked me to help her, I was more than glad.
Except.. it is so not easy. Things that you no doubt understand, but now you have to word it, and sometimes there's more than one way to understand the text, so how do you translate it?? And I kept distracting myself with anything but getting along with the work. And she was so sweet, told me to take my time (never tell me to take my time, because then I only postpone till later).
Anyway, I've just finished it and so relieved and happy about it. I should go ahead and advertise myself, after all, it is good money.

no title *

Along with tracking ovulation in the clinic by u/s and blood tests, I also write down my temperatures. I also tried once checking CM and cervix, but I couldn't figure out if it is EWCM or what (and I'll spare you the TMI), and the cervix.. well I checked until I was inseminated. After that was scared that I might infect myself (if hands weren't washed well enough, etc) so avoided to. Anyway, I'm drifting.. So charting my temps enables me (even if in retrospect) to pin point when exactly I ovulate. And suddenly this week I think I see a pattern. I knew that sometimes I ovulate a bit early (day 13) and usually late (around day 18), but didn't see beyond this. That is I knew that mostly I have longish cycles, and when I ovulated early, I cursed it since it meant that my TWW will grow into an almost three week wait. And then last month was one of my shortest cycles ever, and suddenly I noticed that I also ovulated earlish! So it came to me that I always menstruate 13 days (plus minus of course) after I ovulate. And thus it will always be a TWW (thanks God for small miracles..).
I also believe I can see a pattern between the above and the side in which ovulation occurs - as far as I can see, when the follicles grow on the right, I tend to ovulate earlier, but more often they grow on the left, and those are also the times in which I ovulate a bit later. Fascinating!

Anyway since I'm taking Ovidrel, ovulation will occur a bit mid way (little earlier than what I would expect a left side ovulation). Funny, the nurse left me instructions to take it today [at whatever time, which kind of relieved me, since I thought I had to take it at the same time as the Gonal which I'm taking in the evenings, which made me worry if I insem in the morning, if it isn't too early (O occurring 24-36 hours after shot; frozen sperm having a life span of 12-24 hours)] and come in tomorrow. I immediately phoned the bank. I will just add that I didn't speak to the nurse from the clinic (I was in the shower) and anyway it was when they finished working, or at least answering our calls. So I phone the bank, and they reminded me to bring a note from the clinic [that I will be a good girl and take spermies straight to the clinic, do not pass go, do not try self insemination]. Oops, no note this time. But you know me.. it's not the first time I took sperm from you and headed to a (the) clinic. So bring it tomorrow morning she suggests. Except.. I really don't want to go to the clinic, then the bank and then back to the clinic again. Prior to Ovidrel, when they would see on the scan nice follicles, I would do that triple trip. At least now I don't have to. So phone them tomorrow morning - another of her suggestions. Which might have been fine, except.. I need to leave quite early in the morning, before the clinic opens [oh, and I don't own a cell phone (out of choice - I do not want one), so can't really phone from the way or something]. Anyway she ended saying she'll try calling them. Hope it won't be a problem..

And one last thing (I know - long post). I am happy to do this on a Tuesday. That is when the nice and caring doctor, the one who is quick and painless, works. But I promised myself (yet once again) to come in the next day for a scan, and maybe have a double insemination. Unfortunately I can already feel my cold feet..

* better than leaving that box empty, haa..

Weird Dream

Just dreamt about my niece who is 20 years old. I heard that she is about to start IVF treatments in order to become a mother, and I really can't understand why. I try talking to my sister (her mother), telling her that she is only 20 years old, has just been released from military service (in reality - not yet..) and is just beginning life. Why have children so early!? Then suddenly I realize that all along this niece was present and feel quite embarrassed (I think they tried hinting).
Later we (niece and I) are both hanging washing and I try and talk to her about it. I am not sure if she has a boyfriend and is going to do it with him, or not (in reality she quite recently split up from first serious boyfriend). I ask her then why start with IVF, and I understand it's a standard protocol (and that I was different..). I had a feeling of yes - another person who will get pregnant before me and another 9 months I'll have to wait for my turn (because obviously it won't happen while they're pregnant...). So now I am jealous of those who are not and most likely won't be for quite some time???

new image

Last night I had this conversation with sister #4. Funny, I think she had the urge to call me and chat with me just like I have the urge to do so with sister #6 (except I keep delaying it..). She asked me about TTC (I'm very general about it - yes I am still trying, no, I'm not pregnant yet..), and then made me laugh by asking: "Can't you get any tips to make it work faster?"

Anyway, I've been wanting for quite some time to change my "photo" here. I felt like having a sunflower, googled sunflower, and went along with whatever I found. Nice picture, but not quite me. So was thinking of asking her (she's an artists) to create an image for me. She once drew me this picture for my other blog

and I just love it. I love it because I think it's pretty and clean and I love it's simplicity. But mainly because it's unique and very representative of me. I teach English (at the time was attempting to do so at school, but oh, that's just another failure in life..) and am a night owl (and my nick on that blog reflects that). I just love looking at this image she created for me. I was thinking of maybe using it here, but I don't think it fits. Here I would want something that belongs to this blog, but would want something that will be able to stay with me, not something that will be good today and not tomorrow (i.e good for now when I'm TTC, and good for if/when I am a mother). So last night I asked her to draw me some kind of image. Except.. I have no idea what. I briefly mentioned this blog but of course won't let her in, so can't count on inspiration coming from her. So..... if anybody has any idea - I would love to hear!

Oh, and I do hope that having an image she draws won't mean she'll be able to find this blog (though I doubt she'd be looking), would have to think about that [how easy is it to google a certain picture].

An Amendment, but first - Cats

I have too many cats here and would really like to get rid of most of them [i.e - take them to some kind of animal shelter], just keep my two favourites (Jupiter & Michelle). I just can't handle it! I can't do it by myself if only due to lack of mobility (no car) and don't really know how to do it. Don't know technically (do I look for a large box to put them in?? Is it feasible at all to take them in a car?? Most of them will let me handle them, but what about the few that won't?? Do they get to stay?? Really don't know, but I know that I just can't carry on like this. Anyway, building up on asking sister #4 to help me here.

And while I'm with the issue of cats, funny thing: There is Kat who has these kittens who still suckle (although they are big enough to go without). And there are her sister Du's older kittens [they also had a brother - Mann, as inKatMannDu, but he died] who although weaned, do come to Kat from time to time to suckle. Why not, if the cat herself doesn't mind.. That in itself is weird, but now there is this other weened kitten who also decided to enjoy the feast.. And Kat just lets them all.


Besides writing about my cats, I would also like to make an amendment to my post about my therapist.

Turns out that although she looks bigger, she is only 15 weeks pregnant. She said that she was debating this issue, and consulted with (whoever). She was told that she shouldn't say anything and that it should come from me. She said that her gut feeling told her that she should ignore this advise and just tell me and was waiting for the right moment. Last session she was thinking of telling me (didn't before because, you know, first trimester, the uncertainties of not holding a pregnancy to term) but besides me being very moody, I was also at the very end of my TWW, which she thought could be a very bad timing for such news. So just wanted to fix whatever you thought about her!

My Bucket List

Was tagged by Heavy heart to write 10 things I would have liked to accomplish before I die. So here goes:

1. Well ,hmm.... lets think... What could I possibly list as my number one!? To be a mummy, maybe? And while I'm at it I will be greedy and wish to mother at least three kids. Yes, probably not likely. O.K, then two.. [one thing that does appeal to me with hormones is the higher chance of twins. Yes, I would love to have twins!]


2. I really really want to move to live in the north of Israel. Am not doing anything about it right now, because being in the north means being secluded (my family lives mostly here in the centre), and I am egoistic and thinking of the help I might need from my mother as a single mother. Well, I plan to get into moving once my child is old enough.


3. Besides moving to the north, would like to live a year or two with child/ren in a different country. A different place, different atmosphere, different culture. My dream country is New-Zealand, but also Ireland and Scotland are good.


4. Would l-o-v-e to see the Northern Lights!


5. Find love. To live with someone whom I love and who loves me, not a child-parent love, but a man-woman love (or hell maybe even woman-woman, what do I know? see #10).


6. Learn a new language, and be able to use it fluently. And if I accomplish that, learn another new language! French is on the top of my list, but also Arabic, Spanish, Chinese...


7. Learn to play the piano. When I was a child, I did learn, but it was a year and a half here and a year and a half there, not really too serious. I can still play a bit (teeny weeny weeny bit), but would like to be able to open a music book and just sit and play whatever music I want.


8. Can't think of anything else to add here. Probably after hitting the "publish" button, I'll come up with all sorts of things I would like to have accomplished before I die. Thinking, thinking, thinking... Nope, nothing.


9. If I'm already on the subject of dying, would like to mention how I would want my body to be cremated and the ashes flown in the wind in some kind of natural feature (could be a river, a forest, etc.). Not to have a specific place where I'm buried, just to return to nature.


10. Should I, or shouldn't I?? Yes? No? Yes? No? Left this one to be last, will write it and then think if to press the publish button.. After all, besides Michal, I am completely anonymous here - what are the chances of me meeting up with any of you? (Although of course I would love to!), so anonymous haven here I go. Sex, that was what all my introduction was about. Want to have it and have it and have it. I can count on [shall I say on what!?] how many times [hint - should I have added here the plural s?] I had sex, and I'm tired of being such a closed and reserved person. I am also a human and so have desires.
    O.K, so now I'm all red. Will cover my eyes and close my computer [not really, I need it for a translation job I'm doing].

Oh, and being a meme I guess I'm supposed to tag other people? Well I'll go the lazy version - if you want to do this meme, consider yourself tagged!

Stupid is Stupid Does (updated)

or - Curiosity Killed the Cat
(to compensate on earlier's lack of title, I now have two!)

Yesterday, after injecting, stupidly thinking that the dose was in the needle itself, or more in the cap surrounding the needle (stupid stupid stupid! I now have these needles and caps in front of me, and of course it's just plastic to protect), I played around, seeing what happens if I put this number on the dial and then that number etc. (that's the curios me at work. can't just let things be, have to play around..). I thought (and will state again - real stupid of me!) I was just playing with the remainder of the shot I just gave myself, stuff that anyway gets thrown away (and was even wondering about that, if I need to inject myself with 75, and it's a 300..... )
Anyway.. today I come to give myself a shot, and..... nothing. I can't get it to work, can't pull where I'm supposed to. Yes, I now realize that it's yesterdays playing around. I almost went yesterday morning and bought a new pen (the last was a remainder from previous cycle, so thank God it was only a day, maybe two worth of meds that I wasted..), but decided to do so on Sunday morning.
So now I am left without a shot. Can't really go out now and get one because the pharmacies are closed now.. So I guess I'll have to skip today. Hope that not giving one day doesn't blow it. And tomorrow when I do purchase - should I give myself a dose then (12 hours after I was supposed to) and another one 12 hours later (as on schedule), or do I just skip today's dose altogether?

update: Was going to go in early and get the shot (was actually even planning on going earlier to the local shop to get some emergency cat food since as usual we managed to finish the food on the weekend..), but over slept.
Ended going to this pharmacy right before work in the early afternoon(not before forgetting the prescription at home and rushing back, etc.)

I was somewhat ill this week. Nothing serious or anything (on the contrary..), just a little fever and feeling bad. But..... I am never sick! I truly am not. One thing I am so proud of in myself is my strong resilient body, I may be a failure and unsuccessful in many other areas, but not when it comes to my body. And then there are 5 IUI's to show me different. And this fever.. I only know I had a temperature because I'm charting my temps, so maybe in the past I just wasn't aware of actually being ill (just thinking - oh, I don't feel well). And maybe it's the failure of my fifth attempt that brought this fever along, going upper class with hormones. Because I didn't feel at all any symptom this time (and boy, do I look..) and then 2 days before my period my temperature started dropping, and I knew. So maybe this fever was some kind of way for my body to cope (didn't have the chance to ponder about why can't I get pregnant, was too busy not feeling well..).
Anyway, enough said about it, just want to add that I am sorry I hardly read blogs this week (am slowly catching up on them!).

On another note I'll mention that I finally weighed myself. I told myself that the day I get my period (unless it should me in, say - 9 months time. yeaa funny) I will get on the scales. I didn't want to weigh myself because I just knew I put on weight and really didn't want to see a number of 70 or above (7 is my lucky number and so is 70 a great number. Except when it comes to the scales, then it's a horrific number..). Well I was happy to see that I'm less. Still have to loose at least 10-15 kg. to an acceptable weight. And my sister asking (without knowing the above) if I've lost weight.. Gives me an incentive to keep going..

And lastly.. I would like to thank you all for your comments on my last post. It was a vent, as I was angry at my psychologist (and still feel uneasy about our next session..). I don't know why she decided not to tell me, if she had a professional reason or if as a human she didn't know how to do so, or what. But on the overall I am pleased with her, and am not in the mind of finding a new therapist. Not only do I not want to start opening up to a completely new person, but I give her a lot of credit in my trying to become a mother. If not for her, I would probably still be dwelling in the 'I will never ever be a mother' mode. Although I still find it hard to believe, at least now I am taking action.

P,S
I love the fact that I don't have to have a title in order to post since I don't always have one (somewhere else I blog you can't post without a title). But sometimes I just forget. I delay thinking of a title until I finish writing the post, but then I hit the publish button forgetting I haven't yet thought of (let alone added) a title, and well, the post has been published.. So once again I forgot to add a title, and well, since I am too lazy to think of one, I'll just leave it as is.

A Letter to my Shrink

Dear .....

You pin-pointed today correctly - I was angry (although I of course denied being so) at an injustice in the world, but the injustice I felt was more in the room itself.

A while ago I thought I saw you had a little belly, and thought - oh, so you're pregnant, but straight away dismissed that, you probably just put on some weight.

And today I was moody. Didn't really want to talk about anything. It's the end of the TWW plus I'm really not feeling well that probably enhanced my inwardness.
But looking at you tummy, your big and most probable pregnant tummy made me feel angry at you. I wasn't completely sure (since we were sitting, got the confirmation when our meeting ended and you stood up), so although I was thinking of asking, I decided not to. Yes, I know I should have put the cards on the table, let you know why I'm really upset.

And do you want to know why I'm really upset? Yes, out of all the people, my therapist is the last person I would like to see getting knocked up so easily (of course I don't really know and you too might have been trying for some time, but somehow I vision you and partner just doing it the old fashioned and enjoyable way. But what do I know). But what really bothered me was the fact that you haven't told me, just waited for me to discover it by myself, and it's not something one won't figure out sometime along the line (and yes, I probably took my time..). All these sessions I'm talking about trying to get there, while you are...

Yours, Billy.

Fear

I want to be a mother. I also want ever so much to be pregnant. To have a baby growing inside me, to feel it growing and developing, to feel its kicks and movements, to have this special bond only a mother can have with her kid from a time before he or she is born.
And yet, in the last few days, I fear the feeling of something growing in me. Is it the claustrophobic me thinking of this fetus locked up in a small space for such a long period of time!? Is it because I doubt if I'm ready, if I'll ever be ready!? Or maybe it's the morning sickness which who knows if I'll be one of those who it more or less skips them or if I'll be one of those who vomits all day.
Anyway, I am pretty sure that it won't be this time (though I did have another dream in which we [who?] were counting 18 days of elevated temperature [=pregnancy..], but that could be wishful thinking. Although yet again, that night, before going to sleep I did ask that if I am pregnant to be notified in a dream..),I have a feeling my period is just around the corner.

/\Technical Question\/

Last night I added a blogroll. Unfortunately (in my eyes, of course), I can't get it aligned. It drives me crazy that blogs with long names that continue into the next row start under the bulleted diamond, instead of under the word above them [hope I'm understood, because I can't even put here an example since extra spaces are condensed].

A few options I thought of:

• Reducing the size of the font. Looking how to do that, I finally found how to reduce the size of the date (why is the default date so huge??) which was also something that bugged me. But couldn't find how to do it to my links. Besides, will that really help? And if there is a very long blog name, does that mean I should minimize the font to an unreadable size?!
• Thought of maybe "cutting" long names and giving them each a link. For example - if I take the blog "CouldYouMaybe Baby" in which the word baby goes on to the next line, I could create a link with the wording "CouldYouMaybe", and right underneath it another link with just "Baby". And yes, this solution sounds pretty stupid to me, and I don't even know if it is possible to have different links to the same source.
• Another option might be to remove the bullet signs, because the text is aligned with the bullet, so there is alignment going on, just not how I fancy it.. Except I have completely no idea how to do so.
• Any other options?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And while I'm at it, a question about sitemeter. A couple of weeks ago I tried adding sitemeter, but I can't seem to understand how to do it. I am stuck at instruction #5:

Blogger.com Instructions These are the instructions for adding a SiteMeter web counter and tracker to your Blog.
1. Select the HTML code in the box (below) with your mouse.
2. Copy it to the clipboard.(Press the CTRL key and the letter C at the same time.)
3. Login to Blogger.
4. From the dashboard, click on the Layout link for your blog (the link may also say Template on some dashboards).
5. On the "Add and Arrange Page Elements" page, click on the Edit HTML link.
6. On the "Edit Template" section, you will want to scroll to the very bottom and find the tag.
7. Paste the SiteMeter HTML right above the tag.
8. Press the Save Template button to add SiteMeter to your blog.
9. Press the View Blog button. The SiteMeter logo should be visible on the bottom of your page.

Does anyone have a clue how to add the sitemeter?

Dreaming that I vomited - does that count towards morning sickness?
(Not that I'm looking forward for that, and it's probably way too early for any symptom even if I am pregnant [which between you and me I actually doubt this one worked])

Tired :-O *

This week, I've been so so tired. Days that from the minute I woke up in the morning I wished for them to end so I can return to slumber land. And yes, I love sleeping. Unlike some people who like to refer to sleeping as wasted time, saying that a third (or whatever) of our lives is wasted on sleep, I think of sleeping as a time well spent.
And this week, between going back to work at full swing and getting up early for baby stuff (I start work in the afternoons) and still going to sleep very very late (I'm a night bird, and I hate going to sleep [love sleeping, hate going to sleep, ain't that a nice oxymoron..]), I don't really wonder.

And an annoying remark I got. Mentioned to my mum how tired I was. Happen to be on a day that I had some cancellations at work, so yes, didn't work hard that day. So she wondered how come I'm tired, since I didn't really work. No, she doesn't know why and what. I didn't tell her about waking up early and going to sleep late etc. I did say I was tired. Would have been nice to get an empathic response (and then she wonders why I don't tell her things..).

And yes, I know. Being a mother to a baby will probably be much worse than this week. Not just one week of tiredness, but endless sleepless nights. That is the one thing I am completely not looking forward far (who does wish to be sleep deprived!?). Anyway, weekend just around the corner!

P.S
Just hit the publish button instead of the save (before previewing). Did I mention me being tired?

* Wasn't sure if that conveyed a yawn. Googled and found this site that gives a different meaning to the above and that shows a yawn as l -O. I can't really see a yawn here, so I'm sticking with my original. Just know that I don't mean to say that no yelling here (although... no yelling here...)

weird injection

Went this morning to clinic, after last night I had injected last cartridge of Gonal-F. Nurse told me that I might be required to continue with it for another day or two, but they'll only know in the afternoon when they get my blood results. She gave me a new prescription but I wasn't sure if I wanted to buy just yet - what if I won't need. It's not as if I can do anything with it, can't save it for next month if this month fails. But then I really shouldn't irritate Merphy.. Anyway, since the pharmacy in that complex hasn't yet opened, it was therefore decided for me to wait.

Just after noon I get the telephone telling me to inject today one last time. Do it on your regular hour - I was told. Yes, my regular hour... not the best time of the day.. That will definitely be something I fix if there will be a next time.. Now although I could have gone to the effort of finding a pharmacy that sells these kind of drugs and got it without being too pressured for time, I of course waited for the last minute. Knowing there's a mall right next to where I have to be (work) at 14:30, with a big pharmacy (one that is part of a chain), I opted to leave a bit earlier so I could buy and inject myself in the public toilet. Strange idea - injecting in a public toilet.. can't really do it where I work, so the loo is the next best.

But as it seems, they don't sell those kind of medication. I was sent to a small pharmacy a few minutes walk away. Got there just after 14:00. Unfortunatly they told me that they close at two. Small buisnesses that still have the afternoon siesta.. Besides, can't I see they are renovating the place? And they already closed the computer and locked the money in the safe.. What shall I do, I whined to the guy. I just have to get this drug today. Not like me to whine to a stranger, but hey a desperate woman calls for desperate messures.. Eventually he agreed to sell me the stuff, and even wished me good luck, nice of him :-).

Now I needed to find a place to do the injection. It was approaching 14:15, which didn't really leave me plenty of time (and I thought I'd just have to hung around..). I thought of asking if I can do the injection there in the pharmacy, but I was too shy to ask (and now that I think about it, good thing since it probably isn't the best of place with the workers and the fresh paint and I don't know if I would have had any privacy). A near by caffee was also ruled out. Then I thought of going to my father's work. Advantage would be a "safe" place to inject, and a place to keep rest of cartridges cool (even though I won't actually be needing the whole lot, just this one injection). Disadvantage would be being out about injections and hormones etc. My family don't know, and for the time being I'd like to keep it that way. But he wasn't at work.

So back to plan A - doing the injection in the mall's public toilet. Kind of a wierd place to give yourself an injetion. I mean, I can imagine junkies and the likes using public toilets for this purpose, but me??? Luckily it's a very simple and easy shot. Not something that reuires too much preperation and is done very quickly.

And tomorrow I was told to inject the HSG, a shot that up till now I said no to (and although actually never did, intended on doing double inseminations), but if I'm already doing hormones, mise as well..

And then on Wednesday - insemonation. I think it's nice knowing in advance when I'll be insemend, saves me a trip (will go in the morning to bank and from there to clinic. Instead of the usual clinic -> bank -> clinic) and time. But it does feel a bit early. I mean I have 2 nice follicles (18 & 15. strangely enough growing in my right ovary. up till now it was mostly my left ovary doing the work..) that will grow somewhat more by Wednesday. And I don't know the result of my blood, but probably good enough to predict a Wed insem. But it does mean having my two week wait extended into an almost three week wait.

But all in all, yes it was a weird injection today, and yes, I am quite excited :-).

Update on cat

Well I had to bring her in today to have her fixed (fixed!? rather ruined). Had her (as well as all other cats) on a fast as requested. Thought this morning I'd put her in some kind of bag (like a backpack or something. I don't have a cat cage) and of we'll go to the vet's. She's a very sweet and loving cat and I really didn't think it would be a problem. But of course she won't get into a bag ( I tried a couple).
So I thought, O.K, it's not so far (about a 15 minute walk), so I'll carry her. Started of well. She is interested in the surroundings, but I 'm holding her firmly (from time to time gripping her by the skin on her neck). The first part is relatively easy. It's a quiet Dutch road*. Then one car starts driving and I have to hold tighter, and then another and she is scared, wants to jump off me onto safety. Those two cars weren't really a problem. I could have made it with her, but then I thought - what will happen when I come to the main road? With all the noise of cars and people and the new smells and sights etc. I believe I could have managed holding on to her for the rest of the way, but it's probably too dangerous to chance. Besides I was suddenly thinking that what if I get to the vet's and there's a vicious dog and I don't have where to put her... So I turned back and headed home.
Called the vet's. They said they'll lend me a cage (which meant going back there again... [I am just so so tired]). They said I can try and bring her in today, or if not then I can come tomorrow. I guess I'm going for the tomorrow option. Delaying the inevitable as much as possible (regarding Naomi's comment on previous post - my gut feeling says "no", but I know I should..). So if I can't come up with an excuse, tomorrow my dear cat will be neutered.



* I know "Dutch road" is an Israeli term, but I don't know how it's called in English, and googling it didn't help, couldn't even find pictures, the best I found was the sign post I linked. ANYWAY, a Dutch road is a road with no pavements (and, here at least, is usually built with stone [instead of the usual asphalt]) where pedestrians and vehicles share the same space. These are usually quite streets with little traffic.

second thoughts

Starting to think - maybe I was too quick to start with meds. I wanted to have 6 unmedicated efforts, and only then (if I don't succeed) turn to using drugs. This is going to be my 5th attempt, and I'm already onto hormones. Isn't it too soon??
Because I am generally a very v-e-r-y healthy person (never took antibiotics, and last time I was ill, with the flu, was over 20 years ago). I do not like taking drugs (I don't take painkillers. I prefer having a nice cup of tea and lying down, with my recent discovery being that doing so with loud music on actually helps with headaches!). So yes, I am taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins (which I was highly recommend to start taking before pregnancy), but that's about it. And now I started pouring hormones into my body. It's probably a low dosage, not very much, but still.. Maybe I will need help conceiving, maybe my body is too old and needs assistance, but maybe I am just going too fast?
I admit the HSG did somewhat alarm me, and my age (38) is not calming me down, and the FSH which I was sure that by now would be quite high [about a year ago when I first started with procedures, it was six something. Not too bad, still in the "safe" zone of under 10, but still I did expect it to be lower. And I was sure that by now it would show a higher number, because lets face it, I'm not getting any younger]. And now getting my test results back (FSH is three something!), and well I am approaching 40 (the magical year in which, at least in my mind, fertility starts declining) but still am not yet there, and as I mentioned, I am healthy. I don't think I will be able to say next month (if I'm not successful) no to hormones once I've started, and I will probably be on a somewhat higher dosage, but right now I am having second thoughts whether it was wise to start on hormones.

"You are The Lovers"

I saw this Tarot quiz on a blog I read, and out of curiosity just had to do it. First reaction was a big laugh, because me and lovers??? I am the lovers card?

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

Even calling it just "love" sounds weird and wrong to me. I am so out of love, my heart feels so empty, love is the last card I should have picked..
But I do agree with them with the intuition thing. I do believe I have good intuitions.
And the instinctive knowledge they're talking about in the end - do they mean having a child? Because going the sperm donor path as a single person is sure not the path I ever thought I would take..

Oh What a Wonderful Morning..

Not!
But as they say - all's well that ends well, and right now I do feel like humming the song above :-).

So I started my morning going to the fertility clinic. Lucky I did so, because it seems that I really shouldn't start a day later, if already then a day earlier. Knowing that Tuesday will be a problem since I'm not mobile (there are emergency centres but might be a problem getting to one, and I did want first time to have a nurse guide me), I was told to start today. I left the clinic, bought the meds in the pharmacy nearby and headed of to my session with my therapist, with over an hour to spare. On the way I opened the box to look at it and realized I forgot to buy alcohol. So now I also have to find a pharmacy..
Now although in the building right next to where my clinic is there is a nurses' centre where I could have gone and had it done, my mind was set on having it done when I get home (after the therapist) at the local clinic in my home town (which I'll call R). That's where I envisioned it, and didn't think otherwise. Luckily my therapist advised me to go back to the Tel-Aviv centre (i.e the one near my fertility clinic, where I should have gone to in the hour I had in the morning), since I wouldn't have made it to R on time. But unfortunately by the time I got there, the nurses and doctors had all gone. By now I was really stresses out. It's not for me, all this running around, finding where and how before everything closes. And the receptionist at the building was so not helpful, not that she was unkind or anything. I was stressed, and her repeating the fact that there's no-one here now and that they are closing and that at 14:00 there will be an emergency centre.... Finally I understood that I was to come back at two. It was 11:20, which meant over two hours of just hanging around. As I left the building, I realized I am still with the meds that should be kept cool, but with no real means of doing so, and it was a hot day..
So I went to the nearby mall, bought the alcohol (at least I could do that while I'm waiting!), bought some crossword magazines and sat on the most uncomfortable benches to pass the time (oh, I am so not into shopping and looking at shop windows and trying on new clothes and all that. I hate it!!!). I was contemplating on asking the fresh juice stall for some ice (I was even willing to buy some), but I was too shy to ask. Later I bought some ice at a nearby gas station. A bit pricey for water I will never use, but oh well..
The nurse at the centre was very nice. Although she told me it's not their job to guide (it was an emergency centre, not a normal one) she did show me how and even let me inject myself. I knew it wouldn't be too difficult, but I was actually surprised at how easy it was. No problem! I could have done it at home alone without all the hassle, but better to be sure.. There was a point when the needle was out when I started thinking maybe I should be afraid. After all, again the therapist tried leading the conversation into the - wow, injecting yourself, first time, etc... but I was a vampire in my previous incarnation. I love looking at the needle penetrating my body when I have blood drawn.. If already, the most difficult part was riping [oops.. ment wiping..] my belly (oh, and showing my big fat belly wasn't too bad either. I guess it's good I had time to adjust to that notion) - she gave me cotton-wool to ripe wipe with. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. even saying the word gives me the shivers.. (I got alcohol swabs so as not to use the 'c-w' word).

On the bright side..
=> I did manage to get it done.
=> I now know for sure I can do it alone
=> and the meds were much, much cheaper than what I expected!!!
So yes, I can now sing :-))

really annoyed

Tried phoning my clinic all morning, to no avail. From 9:00 (the time in which they should be receiving calls) I've been trying and trying and trying. Someone the other day in a message board asked if they are working (it's a semi holiday, but they should be working) because she didn't seem to be able to reach them, to which I answered that they are probably loaded because of Yom Kipur (they bridged* Yom Kipur and the 1st "hag" and took 4 days off) and that she should be patient. Patient, ye right. From 9:00 till 14:00 - nothing! engaged engaged engaged the whole time. Oh wait, I did sometimes get the machine saying how they care about me and would like to help me. Cared enough as to not answer the telephone at all! They might have decided to bridge the 2nd "hag" (making working days Sunday and half Monday a bridge between Saturday and Tuesday+half Monday), but if so (as though they didn't have enough taking the four days after Yom Kipur. Hey, my body does not take a vacation just because it's such and such a date. My cycle continues, and I do not intend on missing another month!), at least have a message saying so, let me know that you are not working so I don't try and try and try. Someone else on the board asked what's happening with them, so at least I know it's not just me (I'm pretty sure the problems I'm having here with blogger are just me and my computer..).
I'll try go in tomorrow morning. Don't know if they're working tomorrow morning, but if they didn't answer me today, they sure won't answer me tomorrow.

So, it means that on Wednesday morning, I'll have to run and buy the meds, hope it will all be O.K (there's a 45 days validity on the prescription. Today is day #47..). Hope it doesn't matter what time of day I inject. Hope I manage to find out when nurses guide you (I believe in the morning). Hope it's O.K to start injecting even without hearing from the clinic. Hope it won't make too much of a difference starting on day 6 (I was told to start on day 5). Hope on Wednesday I do manage to reach them (probably won't be easy since I bet I'm not the only one..) and at least get instructions on how to proceed (U.S/blood tests as usual??).



Well, at least let me finish this post on a positive note, and mention that I did go this morning and have my blood drawn, so at least one thing was done.

* a bridge - When one joins two non working days (eg. yesterdays Shabbat and Tuesday's [and half Monday's] holiday) into a one longish holiday (in the eg above - from Friday afternoon till Tuesday night [Sunday is a regular working day here].

P.S
Edited later (I wrote this post in the afternoon but had problems with blogger): I heard that the clinic will be open tomorrow, but only half day (as they say it was today. yeh right). So I'll go in early tomorrow morning.

Another Period Day..

Last week or so I've been doing these calculations - on what day do I want my period to come. Usually speaking I would just love it coming on the weekend, meaning on the first day which is the worst I can just relax at home. But this time that was completly not what was on my mind..
This time I have to have 3rd day blood work since last time I had it done was about a year ago. I was told to do it about three months ago. At that time I was on my fifth day of my period and although here they say to have the blood tested on days 3-5, I could only go in the next day (they only do blood tests early in the mornings) and I actualy did want to go in on day 3, so that was missed. Then last month, I was really hoping day three won't fall on a holiday. Luckily it didn't, but I was too lazy to go and have the blood test done.. And now. Next Tuesday is a Sabbeth in which everything is closed. Monday will be like a Friday (a half day), and I think (but not sure) that they don't do blood tests on Fridays (i.e not on the coming Monday). So my prayings were - Please dear period, please come on a Friday (making Sunday day 3). Sunday will be O.K if you must come a little later (so I'll have the blood drawn on day 4). But whatever you do, please - DO NOT COME ON SATURDAY! (because I really don't want to have blood drawn on day 5. Probably it's not that important, but if it would have come then, I would have waited for my next period (yes, assuming I won't get pregnant in next teatment). So yes, I got what I prayed for, and even though it is tiny winy bit early, I got my period today.

But... today it suddenly occured to me that there is another factor to concider. Since I'm going to start doing hormones, I need a nurse to show me how to do the first injection. I'm quite confident that I know more or less what to do, but I really should have someone physically show me. I am to start injections on day five. Day 5 being a Tuesday, being a sabbeth here. Urgh! I can probably start on day 6, but it's just really annoying. And it also means on Sunday morning I'll have to rush to clinic and then buy the stuff.


BUT BUT BUT... My period is here! Finally I can start trying to conceive again! Those two long months of just sitting and waiting for time to pass are over. And the really great news is that after Tuesday, there are NO MORE NON-WORKING DAYS (except of course weekends) UNTIL PESSACH (around March, April, haven't yet checked the calander)! And I'll just tell you that the last month was really crazy, because this year the festivals fell in the middle of the week, meaning one day you work the next two you don't, then another two days you work, and then don't. Anyway, that's soon over, and I'm starting to feel the excitment of starting with hormones :)))))

P.S
errrrrrrrr the speller here won't work (only on Hebrew mode. As if I have problems spelling in He). So please mind my mistakes.

worries

boy, will I be a worried mother..

Went for a few days to visit a friend up north. Left (selected) cats locked in house so they could be left with food and water. Of course I left too much water (was scared they might tip over the water bowl, so I left three..) and too much food (although they did seem a bit hungry when I came back - some of the food I put in a different place than usual which they obviously haven't discovered yet as it was still all there. But I am certain they would have found it, had they been really hungry and searching for food). Also made sure doors will remain open (so they don't get locked in a room) and of course an open window as an emergency exit.
My number one fear was a fire. Soon after I was gone I remembered I forgot to unplug this lamp I have which sits on the carpeted floor (long story). Cats usually run around here and play, knocking this lamp again and again on the carpet, and carpet was scorched a bit once when I didn't notice.. I believe they could easily accidentally switch it on, and well... should have unplugged it! Didn't help when it was somewhat chilly sitting outside and someone mentioned a fire. There were a few other words scattered. Words of no real significant, but all I could hear was - fire; die; killed; food; grave [on the newspaper crossword on my way home! out of all the words they could put in a crossword, they had to put "grave" when I'm worried sick if cats are still alive???]; etc.
Although I was offered to stay another day, and would have really loved to stay and be with the older son for the day (he's on school vacation and a real great kid!), I was so worried, I couldn't. Could also hardly sleep thinking if cats are O.K, and then I dreamt Michelle died because of me. Though strangely, in the dream she died because I left her locked outside (she somehow jumped from a tall building and broke her neck, and I was holding her flexible and warm body [warm - must have "just missed" her death] and crying), whereas in reality my fear was that something would happen to her while locked inside..).
I did want to phone them to see if they are doing all right. Well, I know I will be a worried parent [but hope not to be over protecting), that's not news to me. Maybe the degree is, and wow, if cats were a human child - how worried can one get.. (but at least a human child can answer the phone!).

My nephew had his Bar-Mitzvah today, and was I there celebrating with him? No! Do I not like this kid who used to call me mummy?? Of course I love him, he's a real great guy! Unfortunately his father isn't. His father finds every opportunity to make my sister's life (the boy's mum) miserable. He is one of the reasons I chose going the sperm donor route rather than trying to conceive via a known donor in a shared parenting. I chose anonymous sperm donor because my clock is ticking and how am I going to find this great guy who'll father my kid, me who don't have much experience dating.. But was also driven to this decision seeing how this seemingly great guy turned to be so ugly. Don't want my child to begin life in a state of divorced parents. Who knows, the guy might be lovely in the few dates/meetings before, and then after the child is born his true face might show and the monster in him turn up. The benefits of shared parenting are of course a share of the financial issues and someone else who can take some of the burden. But the price, if I don't fare well, is too high.
Well coming back to this nephew.. We weren't at his Bar-Mitzvah because his father wouldn't have us there. Not his aunts and uncles and grandparents or even his siblings (from sister's second husband). He even wouldn't have my sister, the kid's mum, but the boy insisted. On Wednesday, doing the Yom-Kipur walk, going into one of the shuls, it was somewhat exciting to see his "Parasha" as the next one. A bittersweet excitement as we won't be with him to celebrate. And then last night he "sang" to us his "Parasha" (O.K, so a cantor he won't be..), so we could somewhat be with him.
I would have swallowed all that crap. We are going to go to Jerusalem on Thursday, to the western wall, and have our own celebration of this special occasion, but hearing how this ex treated my sister in the shul... how everybody else got to go up to the Torah (לעלות לתורה) except for her, how he wouldn't let her sit telling her the seats are reserved but then no one special sat there, how he humiliated her in front of her, no their, kid [boy went afterwards to his mother to apologize :-(], what I would really like to do is bite his head off.*


* oh, I actually mean bite his head off. I was googling to find what creature does so (The Black Widow?) when I saw it is actually an idiom..

site meter

I'm kind of in shock. I basically knew there was such a thing, but really didn't know how much details they contain.
In my Israeli blog there are statistics of how many entries and supposedly from where (like if it's a Google query. but usually it doesn't say a thing. Definitely [and I thought I got it right this time :-(] not from what country/town and how long etc.). And I am a fan of numbers and quite frequently go into the stats page (too frequently one would say...). Here in blogger I was happy that no such thing. As I said, I knew one can get statistic information, but wasn't too interested. Except my profile (which unfortunately also counts my own entries), I am in an ignorant state - I don't know who enters my blog and reads it, or even how many people dropped by.
[wow, I am really shivering now. suddenly I became so cold. already put on a long sleeve. I guess the next step will be to close the window. (noooooo! I don't want to close it!)]
So as I was saying, I don't know who/when/why/what/where reads me, and it's nice not thinking about statistics [the cold got to me. had to close the window..].
And I read once in a blog someone mention how they can see all sorts of information [na, still cold. shall I close the door!?] which got me a bit worried. I'm kind of a private person, don't like the idea of being detected. But now I was reading this blog with a site meter, and just for the fun I decided to enter. And boy was I shocked to see all the data. I'm uncomfortable because of the amount of time I (seemingly) spend on a blog. Blogs that I find and like, I have to read from the beginning. It might be stupid or whatever, but I can't just go into the present. And being a Gemini, I do not just read one blog (or blog entry) at a time, but have to have at least 10 windows open at a time (be it with blogs, forums, my mail, whatever), reading a paragraph here and then here, etc. Add to the fact that I leave the computer on for times while coming and going. So, wow, it must seem I'm such a lurker..
I think that if I were American, having all this information would bother me less. After all, the vast majority of readers were Americans (88% in the case of this blog I saw), and anyway America is a big country. A very big country. One can easily blend in (in the stats, that is). But being from a small country that I am, it kind of signals me out (or at least it feels so..).
Well, I think it's high time I go to bed [ahhh, my idee-down. some would probably say that if I'm cold I should put on some shoes or slippers or at least socks. can't bare! anyway I'll soon be tucked under my idee-down having sweet dreams :-)]

P.S
Maybe one day I too will put up a site meter. First I should probably put up a blog roll [one day when I'm confident enough]. I think it's only fair since the vast majority of blogs I read, I found from other bloggers blog rolls.

P.S.S
If there are any spelling mistakes, terrible grammar or whatever, please take into consideration the time..

cats and mums

Too many cats live here. Most of them (well, actually all of them..) are street cats. I used to have a dog and a cat. In those days it was only one dog and one cat, quite nice. But then my dog died and cats came, and came, and came. She was a very kind and gentle dog, would never have harmed a cat, but still her presence probably distanced stray cats from here. After she died, cats started coming, and it was fine with me.
But I think in the last year things began to get out of hand. Too many cats, and since I haven't neutered them, they breed and breed. Besides Jupiter (my "original" cat) there are two sisters who live here with their kittens and two more of their half sisters (all four have the same mother, but were born on a different litter) come here for food. And these kittens are the ones who made it to adulthood. There were also enough of those who didn't survive. Kittens who wouldn't eat and I fed (or at least tried to feed) them by hand (and going down the aisle in the shop, looking for baby formula - that was one strange experience!), and I had enough sad stories, but I really can't afford to neuter them all.
And now I'm just after another sad story. Don't really know how it ended, want to believe that this one did have a happy ending. One of the cats who just comes here to eat gave birth here. But I only noticed the little kitten after I kicked the adult cats out in order to eat. He was still tied to the placenta, which one of the other older kittens was trying to eat, dragging new born kitten with him. I immediately cut the cord and went to search for the mother. And I don't know if it was my doing or if regardless there was something wrong (hey, when I made her go out, she didn't show any special resistance), but I couldn't get her to take her kitten. I could do nothing for this kitten except keep it warm, not even feed it since it was a holiday and everything was closed for two whole days. And even if I could, I really couldn't get into another story where I try and try and kitten doesn't survive. I really had too many heartbreaks of that sort. So eventually I wrapped it in an old warm shirt of mine and put him outside. Hopefully the mother will deal with it, if not then at least I won't see it suffering.
The next day the kitten was gone, and two more kittens were born in my place. She (the mother) since removed the kittens to a different place. I know where it is and I can see her, but I can't get to it and it's impossible for me to see if and how many kittens there are there, so as I said - I don't know how it ended but can hope it was a good ending.

And why am I telling all this? I really don't want to turn this blog into cats stories. This blog is about my journey to become a mother, and that's how I want to keep it. But there is a connection. See, ever since I neutered my dog about 15 years ago, ever since I denied her the right to bring offspring into the world, I felt that I was denied that right too. I know it's stupid and has no logic, but until she died, I just knew I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. And I really can't afford to neuter all the cats here, and for the most of them I do hope in the near future to find another home for them. But Michelle is a cat I want to keep, and she is now 6 months, and I can feel she is about to get on heat, and the last thing I want is for her to have kittens now. But then I don't want to doom myself for another 20 years of childlessness (which is really dooming myself to never having a child). As I said, I know it's silly. I probably need someone from the outside to tell me so I can call the vet on Sunday for an appointment.

~ HAPPY NEW YEAR ~

(or how we say in Hebrew - good year!)

May a year with all it's curses end,
~ and may a year with it's blessings begin!

May this coming year be a sweet and happy one!
And I hope this is the year in which my baby arrives :-)

And of course a new year is another chance for those resolutions (like a beginning of a week; the start of a new month; ones birthday; the western* new year; you know - those special dates where you say you will, but you never do..). So.....

• First things first, I need to clean and tidy my house, and I really need to get on with it. Because forget the fact that baby can't live here like this (I can always delay working on it until pregnancy..), but I need to to clean and tidy because baby won't come here until I do so! And I am so energyless.. I do hope I find the energy to do so (and I have now three days of nothingness..)
• I really want (not to mention - need) to do some sports. I am so lazy. But the weather now is cool and nice and there are these outdoor fitness facilities (I've never been to a gym and am to scared to even try since I have no idea of how and what in a gym [and I don't just mean instrument wise]), so an outdoor gym should be good. And especially since I do wake up early to take my temperature (and go back to sleep..), I could go before other people (so they won't see how unfit I am).
• Well, this resolution will have to wait a bit.. it's a new year and a new year should be sweet, but I should really go back to eating healthy food. And while I'm at it - I definitely should start again on the folic acid and the prenatal tablets (which I neglected taking in the last two weeks)!
• And if we're on the matter of food - then I really need to pick up the book I bought about healthy nutrition during (mainly, but also before and after) pregnancy. I'm still at the beginning (the before) and withholding carrying on because, well, then I'll definitely have to put the book aside until I do get pregnant.. But I really should take it out of it's misery from sitting on the shelf and just finish the first part..
• And last but not least - need to find a new home, somewhere else for most of the cats here. I just can't carry on with them all.

* the Christian new year? the rest of the world's new year? the Gregorian new year? the non-Jewish new year? [the last one obviously not since there are many religions and many different new years in this world :-)]
In Hebrew it is so easy - we have a word for the Jewish dates and another word to denote Gregorian dates.
Oh, and of course we celebrate both!

P.S
I've written the word "definitely" enough times in my posts, one should think that by now I would be able to spell it correctly! (what would I do without the speller..)

I really don't know where the border lies. When it is right and when it is wrong. Show your cute little baby on the web - fine with me. I'll even commit about how sweet he looks. Have me come over and see baby - great, and I would really love to pick her up. Talk about how he sleeps the whole night/doesn't sleep at all - I'm all ears.
But send me a new year e-mail card with full size pictures of her on every page? That, somehow, was wrong. I zapped through it, closing it as quickly as possible, barley reading the words. Don't know if it's because the crappy mood I am in (another month of not doing anything. sitting and waiting just to proceed. errrrr) or the fact that unlike pictures of babies I usually see on the web which are open to everyone to view, this was sent directly to me, for my eyes only (yes, I know the same card was sent to all friends/family/co-workers, so technically it's not for my eyes only, but still there is a difference). Maybe because pictures I usually see aren't full screen, and this was page after page of full screen baby.
And obviously she didn't mean to hurt or anything. Hey, that's what people do when they have babies - send greeting cards with their little ones for everyone to see how cute they are. Proud parents. One day I will (hopefully) be a proud parent myself, and will want everyone to see what a lovely little child I have and how cute s/he looks on a greeting card. And I really can't tell her it did me no good (I'm not the sharing type), so instead I'm venting here.