Butterfly's Birthday

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Monday, 28 December 2009


Finding a doula ............. √

A bit apprehensive about finding a doula (I always get stressed over things like that) I talked to sister #6 about it and she mentioned her friend who has just recently completed a doula course! I then got a number of another doula from a friend of mine, but as I do know my sister's friend, I' rather start with her. So I met with her today, and I am pleased and we are to meet again around month seven to practice positions and all.

I liked the fact that she also gave birth in the hospital I intend on going to (and just over three months ago, though she said it was a very quick birth as she was already with a nine opening when she came to the hospital [not her first birth, but the older ones were born in another hospital]), it does add to the feeling of comfort that the doula knows this place and from personal experience. Added bonus is the fact that she is ultra-orthodox (as in very very very religious) as is the hospital. Feels good that my doula is "one of them". But that was also a point of concern for me - what happens if I am to deliver on Shabbat?? Concerned both on me getting to the hospital and on her being there for me. She calmed me down on both issues. This hospital is situated in an ultra-orhtodox town and the roads going in are basically blocked on Saturday, and it's really not a place to be driving around in on a Saturday. She said it's o.k if I'm heading to the hospital, and what's more she suggested going by ambulance. As for her, she said that there should be no problem as she won't turn her phone off on Saturday so I could SMS her if needed. She then explained that a woman giving birth is "stronger" than the Shabbat even to the point of (for eg) turning the air-conditioning on/off if I request. I do hope I won't be giving birth on a Saturday, but good to know that it's not too bad if it does happen.

She said she came into being a doula after assisting her sister in birth and liking it, and then being there again for her and for her SILs births. All in all I'm not sure how many births she attended as a doula (her baby was crying at this point), but I think she does have some experience. And on the other hand she is quite new at it, so she is not exhausted and worned out and probably eager to do a good job.

As for paying her, she said that as she is still in her apprenticeship, she is only asking me to cover her expenses (like a baby-sitter for the kids, etc.). I do plan on giving her a nice sum (assuming of course all goes well..), but, well, nice that there isn't a high price tag on her service :-).

Saturday, 26 December 2009


I am very much aware that I am not the average person, far from it, and I have never been such and never will be. Sometimes I enjoy my differentiality, and sometimes it bothers me, why can't I just be like everyone else. One of the side "benefits" of becoming a mother (and s-o not the reason to, it would completely not be me if that would be the reason) is the feeling that here I am finally doing something like everyone else, I am finally normal.
Like going into all the delivery issues at such an early stage (and then reading other bloggers whose pregnancies are very much more advanced than me, doing that stuff now). And will add that I'm meeting a possible Douala on Monday, when I spoke to her on the phone she was - oh, you have plenty of time.... Yes, most people would probably start searching for a doula at a later stage, but I would rather know now :-). And the want to not have an epidural birth (and please please please - not a cesarean). I believe the majority of women want a painless birth , just give me the baby at the end of it, and I so want the experience, to be there and do it.

And usual for this unbelonging feeling, sometimes it still feels strange. Especially when being in a group of people who are so-called like me. I mean how can I be different when I am with these people who "by definition" are different??
Point be that today I had a day out with my SMC group. It was mostly lovely (although being such a social inept, it was also somewhat awkward), but then.. Started on the way there with this woman I took a ride with and her talking about how important it is to give birth in a hospital, just in case something goes wrong. I, on the other hand, am all for home birth's and really don't think births need or should take place in a hospital (assuming of course all is well with the pregnancy and all), and if I could I would have such a birth (but I can't). I tried saying something, but she went on and on, so I stopped myself - do I really need everyone to see how different I am!? And then at the picnic, looking at all the babies, all of them in disposable diapers (I am planning on using cloth diapers, and would love to try elimination communication [being without a diaper]), and these babies were put on blankets on the grass, and sometimes they got to the edge and put leaves/small branches/grass/etc into their mouths and their mothers' were quick to jump in and say "no" (I not only won't mind, but I think it's lovely how babies are interested in the real world and not really too keen on those plastic artificial toys we give them. And I think it's a great learning experience for them, as the mouth at these ages is the major way for them to sense the world). Though I did express here my views [sorry, couldn't help it..], the point was not to say this way is good or right and that is not, just that again there was this feeling of being different, of the stream going one way an I the other, a feeling that was somewhat intensified by being amongst a group of women who are definitely not the norm.

And then on the other hand.. while writing this post I stopped by a pregnancy board [want to add a "regular" board (meaning not women after treatment) where women are mostly young and.. and I do not have the highest opinion on them..]. Anyway there was a discussion there that started with a question about kissing your baby's private parts. It was more the reactions then the point of view, stating how it's appalling and disgusting and such. Now while I have to agree that it does not sound right to me, mainly because I am thinking of the mother kissing baby only down there, it could be the mother was covering baby all over with kissed and just didn't stop there. Still, it is probably much more of a clear cut and I assume we all agree that basically that's wrong, but the discussion continued to nudity, as in having your new born baby put on you while you're both not wearing anything and to kisses on the lips between parents and their little ones. Most comments were how awful and disgusting all the above [shall I add that I completely don't think so :-) that I see the human body, the bare human body, as such a wonderful thing and that nothing could be purer than mother and baby bonding....], and I think it was less the being for or against (though it probably "helped".. ) and more the language that was used. Talking about awful and appalling and disgusting and shocking. Language that clearly showed how they do not step out of their small box in which they lived. The exact same type of response I saw the other day when reading an old discussion about raising diaper free kids [do I have to add a "regular" baby-parent board, as in not on a natural parenthood board. I went there because someone referred to it] - appalling and disgusting and how awful are those parents (because their babies are obviously in poop all day, etc). Anyway, here I felt kind of good feeling different, to be thinking for myself and not being part of this herd (a herd who says about anything they don't know - disgusting; appalling; revolting; etc). And yes, it is easy to distinguish yourself from the herd when you come in advance with opposing views, and many times I am part of the herb that just says nay to something they never heard of, but today, after the uneasiness feeling that came with feeling different at the SMC meeting, it was nice ending it with feeling somewhat good about being different..

Saturday, 19 December 2009

on this and that

On name
I know the fact that I'd rather not mention the names makes it a bit more complicated to explain (and probably much more to understand.. Once she is born, I think I'll go Dora's & Calliope's way and embed the name in a pic, but not before then..), but anyway..
As I talked about it before, I had names (both first and second) for a boy and for a girl. Problem with girl's name is that it resembles another person's name in the family, first names are just very similar and the second name is after the same person so while one can be (for eg.) John and the other Johnny, the names are still too much alike. So I thought of taking boy's second name. Alas, now the girl will have the exact same name as the person she is named after, although in a reverse order. Worse is that this is a male relative of my father, so they'll also share the same last name, so it is really the same name. I do not want her to be a complete replica of another person's life. On top of that, both names are boy's names. Now while I don't mind a girl with a boy's name, I think that having both names such is a bit too much. So.. not a good solution.
I tried thinking maybe finding another person to name her after or giving girl this person's other name, but it doesn't feel right. Another thought was trying to find a new first name, but I actually love the name I have and do not want to change it. So I am now back to square one, with the original name I wanted to give her. So one person will be William Johnny and the other Gillian John....
Now I have to figure when to tell folks here about her name. On one hand, the further the better. On the other hand, talking to her I sometimes use her name and I might one day be overheard, and I don't want it to be known like that..
And I just want to add that now that I'm pretty sure this is the name (or maybe due to writing the last post or maybe both..) I am beginning to feel a bit more connected to her, a bit more on the path towards bonding.

On iron
That I am low on my hemoglobin and iron etc does not surprise me. So I have to take iron and B12 and prenatals. Bad enough having to take iron on a full stomach but without eating milk products or eggs plus minus taking it (eggs I hardly eat, but no milk products??), but as my iron numbers are still very low, I have to take the iron TWICE a day. Twice a day having a meal that does not contain milk products?? That's changing completely my eating habits!
On a side note let me just say that lately I am eating too much junk, so I probably should be doing something about my eating habits!

On blood type
When choosing the donor, before being told that X is the only one checked for the genetic disease I'm a carrier of and therefore picking him, I was trying to think how I'll go about choosing a donor. First donor I went with sis and we chose together. Second time.. really seems less important who or what he is [take into account the minimum data I get], so I decided blood type would be a good way. As I am A+, I wanted donor to have that same blood type so that my child will also be an A+, and I was happy that non-carrier donor was indeed also an A+. Only now I learn that baby girl can be A+ or A- or O+ or O- damn.... O.K it really isn't a big deal, I mean I could have been a minus and having to deal with antibody issues and all, it was just a wow moment for me.

On the house front
Was doing my bookcase, when the idea of moving it down to my entrance came to mind. Coming into my house, there's this entrance that straight away leads to stairs going up to my place. Not very much space down there, but I do believe the bookcase could fit nicely. Now while I prefer not saying why I really love the idea of moving it down (some kind of phobia of mine [-: ), I will say that I'm loving it on other accounts. First and foremost it will make a nice space for a crib.
Basically I am going to co-sleep. First there was the issue of space, but I do also love the idea of not getting out of bed in order to nurse, and being near her at night and all (though I do mean to put a pillow between us, so I don't accidentally roll on her). But then, what if I find that co-sleeping is not for me? I do want to have the option of putting her in a crib if needed. Furthermore, I am really frightened of her sleeping alone in the bed. One thing when I'm there with her at night, another thing during the day when I might be sleeping and might not. So having her in the crib for day time sleeping sounds like a better solution to me :-).

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Bonding? When?

I am not really feeling anything towards my little Birdy. I am singing, but not feeling like I'm singing to her, more just enjoying myself singing. And talking to her and thinking of her, but again, doesn't so much feel like it's to her, more like to the air.
And the pics of her. I heard that one big side benefit of the u/s scans is the early bonding that occures. I look at these pictures, the one of her feet and, cute and all, I still don't feel much towards her. Maybe beacause I find it hard to believe that those little feet are really inside me, and maybe sight is not enough and I need to smell and touch them (and taste? I bet they are yummy :-)).
So I am waiting to feel something towards her, waiting for this love to come and wash me away. O.K, not wash me away, but something, some kind of positive feeling to this thing growing in me whom I named (for the time being of-course..) Birdy, something beyond being happy (and completly disbelieving) I am pregnant. It kind of surprises me, this luck of feeling to her, and then again it doesn't. The first time I got a positive, I was amazed how I already felt love for what was far from being anything recognizable. Now maybe if it were a valid pregnancy, this love would have faded until it grew back again, I don't know, I just want to feel that again.
Maybe when I start feeling her, to actually feel she is in me, maybe, hopefully, then something will start? Ah... at least two more weeks and counting..

Friday, 11 December 2009

At the Beach ??

First wanted to say that I've decided on my (our) song.. Twinkle twinkle didn't quite feel right. Especially after finding the whole song (and not just the first and most known verse). Well for start it talked about how the star helps the traveller in the dark. While I want her to be thoughtful and caring of others, I think she should first and foremost learn to care for herself. But what really made me say no, was the staying awake all night! Hey, I might be a night owl, loving the night much more from the day, but please baby do sleep at night! [btw, interesting thing I read - the same hours a pregnant (probably towards the end) woman wakes up to go and pee, will be the hours baby, after birth, will be waking at night. Seems s/he got used to waking up at those times..]. Anyway our song is Brahms Lullaby :-)

Had my early level II scan today :-) [early as we have here an early one at about 15 weeks and a late one around 22 weeks]. Someone seems to think she's [and yes, confirmation she is indeed a she :-)] at the beach, lying there leg on leg.. She is fine and all :-) Not sure my bladder is.. going to the toilet a lot (three times last night! and of course had to go in the morning like I never went just a short while before...) And that dildo cam.. not a pleasure. I even went twice to the toilet while waiting for my turn (an hour!), but still my bladder really did not like the dildo cam. A few times I was about to shout stop and run to the toilet. Of course I was much better once he took it out of me :-) But oh my, not looking forward for that third trimester when she presses my bladder..
At the end, besides the regular pictures they always give, I also got a CD of the scan, i.e the actual scanning with her moving and all :-). Very exciting the thought of being able to watch her again whenever I want :-).

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Lullabies and Goodnight

When I was a kid, my grandmother (who lived too far away in England) would come about once a year for a visit. Those visits were so precious and I always looked forward for her coming. One of the things I remember so favourably were her lullabies. You see, bedtime routine was grown ups telling us it's bedtime and time to kiss everyone goodnight, and we would have to go round and kiss everyone and then take ourselves to bed. Yes, I was probably quite a big girl by then and I do vaguely remember earlier years when my mother would put my two younger sisters to sleep and I would join them for the Sh'ma (though I can't remember what happened next, did I now go to my room to sleep or what..), but I always yearned for my mother to come and kiss me goodnight and maybe sing a lullaby or two. Because one of the things I remember most favourably about my grandmother's visits were her lullabies. We would be sent to bed, 4 girls in two rooms, and as we were the older pair we would have to wait for her to finish the routine with my younger sisters, and then she would come.. and sing and her warm soft hand would pet us, such sweet moments (though with bunk-beds and going from one granddaughter to the other, it was also a somewhat limited joy). I have no idea how good (or bad) she was at singing. Unfortunately I can hardly remember her voice. But I do know how I absolutely loved her being there with us, singing to us, and so that is one thing which will be important for me to do with my kid/s [note - could very well be that mother did sing to us when we were little (very little), I just have no recall].
So step number one is recalling what she sang to us.. There was this song (well this one was more saying than singing) about this little doll that was lost and something about a cow and something about her (the doll) being in a bad state. That is what I remembered for years, and from time to time I tried asking, but no one could remember anymore, thanks to google and for being more than ever determined, I finally found my song! Oh, I was so so happy to find it! (The Lost Doll. And to know I was not imagining the cow. lol. Though I do also have a faint memory of doll on swing, but it might have been another song, or maybe how I visioned it while she sang, doll falling from swing to mad.. yeah, probably another song). And then there were some surprising discoveries, like Run Rabbit being a bit more than the chores she sang, and Golden Slumbers, the one that always finished her lullaby routine, not being Gold and Slumbers* [which who knew what it meant..], not to mention there is a second verse.. Unfortunately those are the three songs I remember, but I am pretty sure there were more, must have been! Hope maybe my cousins might be able to enlighten me as to those other songs (those lucky ones grew up with her close by..).

~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~

And I read that my little one can now hear. Yes, it is the very early of hearing, and I think for start only deep voices, but now that she can hear I want to start singing to her. Funny how within about 24 hours I had sister telling me about having a special song you sing to baby in belly and the effects of that special song on baby later on after birth, and then I read the same thing in this book I happen to pick up, how the special song sang during pregnancy had calming effects on baby, and I will add that this is an old book of mine I never really got round to reading [was never relevant..], and then last night trying to do my library I came across it and started reading it...
So.. now I'm trying to come up with our special song. I started of with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, mainly because of the line: "How I wonder what you are" (and was even trying to make my own lyrics, not too successful, but also wondering if I should..), went on to - You Are My Sunshine, and well, it was a no for me. I very much do not want my grandmother's lullabies. Those I'm "keeping" for the time when I will actually be singing lullabies to her. Maybe Twinkle Twinkle was not such a bad choice after all?

* O.K must add her gobless which only years later I learnt was actually God Bless.. I am sure she said it right and all, it was just my childhood ears...