Shana Tova

First let me delight - I have a keyboard I have a keyboard :-))
[if you leave your child alone for a few minutes. make sure there is no yogurt anywhere near. and if you did do that mistake, don't wash keyboard down in the hopes that it will dry within a day...]


Also, an update on the ttc front - I met with the doctor and we decided to do a long protocol because: a. that way I am not affected by them being closed for the next few weeks (I'm to begin on CD21 which is the 1st of Oct), and b. we are doing the exact same protocol that worked last time.


But mainly wanted to wish a Shana Tova for whoever will be celebrating the new year. May this year be the one where all your dreams come true! [wanted to add a picture of Butterfly but didn't manage to get a good one of her.. so will just be this plain post.. speaking of which, we did (well doing, they are not yet done) do Shanot Tovot (=new year greating cards) which are very plain and simple, but hey, I think I was in school when I last did one and I love the idea of beginning this new tradition with Butterfly. Hopefully next year will be better :-).]

And now on to the cooking :-) [leaving the honey cake for tomorrow morning so someone can "help" me make it...]

HPT => |

Didn't expect anything else as I feel completely nothing. I wonder if that buzz I felt back then was the progesterone or maybe little embryo was alive back then and was sending distress calls. I am of course going soon for the beta but I won't be waiting for the results (will be curious though to see my progesterone levels).
Later I will call the clinic to schedule an appointment which most likely means this month is lost (if there is a next time I'll schedule the appointment earlier. The problem this month is that they are taking some time off and I didn't want to start a cycle worrying if the timing will be okay or not).


EDT: Oh the lab must be kidding. It's already 20:00 and still no beta results. Yes, I got a very negative pee stick (I even tried to dig it out of the bin some hours later to see if maybe maybe there is a faint line. lol) and my period is here so I am not really waiting for it. But does the word 'urgent' really needed to be written on a referral for a beta?! Isn't it clear that that is one blood test that needs to be done today?? [mustn't forget next time to ask the doctor to add 'urgent'..]
Not to mention that the nurse that takes blood must have forgotten to put in the TSH test the doctor ordered which is quite a nuisance as I now have to go back to the doctor to get the referral and then again to the lab. oh well. (and I was happy to be able to do in all in one..)

Still PUPO?

Probably not.
Amazing how I am always optimistic in the first week and then pessimistic in the second.. But this time I was not just optimistic that first week, I was absolutely sure I was pregnant! Really. It was just a matter of time until I get that lovely beta, not whether.. And I was marveling at how wonderful it would be - time-wize, this child should be born between me and my daughter's birthday, how nice to all celebrate together. More than that, it's perfect from work perspective as it is just before the summer holiday and so I wouldn't miss much work (I'm a freelancer so no work=no pay). And how lovely it would be to have such a story of #2 being actually older than #1... [and yes, I now remember I did start being a bit pessimistic right after the transfer but your comments cheered me up :-)]. And a first unmedicated cycle - no issues with yes/no/how/when breastfeeding! I was so positive this was it, that I even felt love for this little embryo. I was having no real symptoms (except some mild feelings/cramps in my lower abdomen) but that was okay as it really is so early in the game!

 This second week? I've turned absolutely sure it's a negative. My breasts did hurt me the other day, and as clear as the blue sky that was how it felt when I was pregnant. Looking up old posts to my first IVF cycle, the one that a. failed and b. I was on the same support as I am now (endometrin, though twice a day now as opposed to three times a day three years ago) to compare if/what I felt. I really had to "try hard" to actually "feel" something back then. So....... But maybe it is just the support? As it was just a one time thing, I take it as just a fluke, as the progesterone I am taking going to my breasts and not a baby [I did take my two doses closer together than usual and this feeling happened not long after the second dose]. And I know that I haven't gotten the negative yet, but it just sucks. As I said, I absolutely know I am not (and one way or the other, I will be absolutely correct! lol).
The pathetic thing is my endomitrin pills will be finished on Sunday but Monday is when I am to test (I will need at least to take the morning dose, and as I forgot to ask the doctor to write emergent on the referral, maybe also the second one of the day). And do I open a new pack just for one (or two) pills!? in case I am not pregnant, if I am I am to continue taking them. It's psychological more than anything else. Anyway I have come up with a plan :-). Even if I am positive and I test on Monday, I probably will get a low number. So better to wait a few days..Anyway isn't the two week wait supposed to be two weeks?? lol. So I will buy a home pregnancy test, and early Wednesday morning poas (yeah, still have a twinge of hope left) and then leave to have my blood drawn  That way I won't have to keep pressing the refresh button on the site where I see the blood results.


On other news. good news this time - I have been accepted to the translation degree!! The other day I went for a test and an interview, and boy was that test hard! Well mainly the part where I had to explain words from a passage in the same language (there was one in Hebrew and one in English). They were really difficult passages with difficult words! But I did have a good feeling and didn't think they expected me to know all those words. Anyway the same day I got an email telling me I have been accepted - how lovely!

Breastfeeding Carnaval

Welcome to the August edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Breastfeeding.
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting. As August is Breastfeeding awareness month, our participants are writing about this exact subject! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Trying to begin this post while Butterfly (2.2) is standing by my side nursing (and trying to press the different keys on the keyboard, oh well we'll probably write the majority of the post once she's asleep..). I am so happy and proud to be (still) nursing as we had a very difficult start.

I always knew I would want to nurse and to nurse beyond the first year or two, so I did do a bit of reading about nursing while pregnant. But my focus was much more on birthing because I wanted to have a natural unmedicated birth. I was sure that nursing won't be a problem (because why should it? millions of women nurse...). Well somewhere on my blog (on a very old post) you can read about that birth that went wrong which may or may not be related to issues I had with nursing (a lactation counselor told me they are connnected). Anyway I read, but still had a lack of knowledge. Especially how often a baby can require the breast. It can't be she's hungry!! And with me not having enough milk and the lack of support, I totally did not believe in my ability to breastfeed my child. So I gave formula, mainly formula though never stopped breastfeeding, because while I did not believe in myself, I was going to fight it and have my child have some breastmilk. At five months (exactly!) I got a wake up call. She had a growing spurt and was on my breast for two whole nights. Hey girl, what are you doing? I don't have milk, remember? But still she nursed and nursed and nursed, and I was wow, maybe all is not los [nursing baby (a doll) now. lol] lost, maybe I do have some milk! Unfortunately it was too late to regain sole nursing and I still had to give formula but it was lovely to know that I can breastfeed :-). To any new mother who wants to breastfeed, I would say how important it is to have support. It is so difficult to maintain breastfeeding when everyone around you tells you you don't have enough milk and how it's not the end of the world to formula feed and all (it was for me). I would also like to tell you to believe in yourself!

Many times when she breastfeeds, I look at her in awe. It amazes me how she loves the breasts and to look at her nurse from them.. :-). I did try here and there to take a picture of her nursing, but they mostly came out as a not to show the public pictures, lol, but at least there'll be there for me and her for later in life. 

As to how long I want to continue to breastfeed.. In an ideal world until she weens herself, and I'm aiming at that. But I am also trying to get pregnant again, which means fertility treatments and hormones. Not the best combination with breastfeeding. Luckily my first cycle is a FET, that is a transfer of a frozen embryo, which means no drugs.I know I am not doing the so called right thing by not telling the doctors I am still breastfeeding, but I have read enough on the subject [though I must say, there is little to be found about breastfeeding while going through fertility treatments] to honestly believe that it can be done. If this cycle doesn't work, I will try and see if I can have a natural IVF (again, no drugs), but if not, and the worse comes to the worse I will minimize the breastfeeding (and time the taking of the hormones so maximum time before the next time Butterfly nurses). I really do hope I can get pregnant without stopping to breastfeed (and that I can maintain breastfeeding while pregnant, I did hear it is not easy!). I did wait until around Butterfly's second birthday to get back on the wagon of trying to conceive again so that she will be old enough and if I do have to quit, at least I know I gave her two years of my milk.

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Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Parenting Myth Busted: They Never Stop Breastfeeding - Laura at Authentic Parenting shares how her 4 year old effectively weans herself.
• 7 Tips for Breastfeeding In Public Stress Free -  From baby wearing to using a scarf, Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection is sharing many helpful tips on how to breastfeed in public stress free.
• Breastfeeding has been Downhill - Jorje of Momma Jorje compares her nursing experiences and finds... it hasn't gotten easier with time and experience.
• A Heartfelt Tip for the Nursing Mamas - Margaux from Young Nesters gives her biggest piece of advice for all present and future breastfeeding Mamas.
• Breastfeeding Carnival - Billy at My Pathway To Motherhood writes about the past, present and future of nursing her daughter.
• Amy W. at Me, Mothering and Making it All Work describes why she loves to advocate for and help nurture breastfeeding relationships.
• To My Nursling - Stone Age Parent dedicates a breastfeeding poem to her child.
• My 3 ½ Year Old Breastfeeds As Much As A Newborn – And That Is Fine By Me - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama
• Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival of Breastfeeding: Our Sorta Sudden Gentle Weaning - Wolfmother Chronicles
• How to breastfeed while babywearing in a men tai - Lauren at Hobo Mama offers a video tutorial for easy, hands-free nursing on the go in a mei tai (Asian-style) baby carrier.
• My Boobs? Mighty Frickin' Spectacular, Thank You Very Much. - Rhianna from The Other Baby Book shares a post crediting breastfeeding with nurturing a connection not only with her son, but also with her breasts and her body's empowering ability to do its thing.

PUPO!

Very exciting to go with your girl to the place where she was made, where she "spent" the first two days of her life... So yes, finally, I got to cycle. It was weird thinking I am actually cycling because besides doing a lot of monitoring, there was nothing to it (a natural cycle). I was concerned about taking Butterfly with me to be monitored, one of the reasons being not wanting to make it hard on women who are trying for their first. Well the place where I did the monitoring is an all clinic for any health problem, so it's not a big deal bringing her. It was a bit different today when I took her to have the transfer but oh well (if there will be a next time I hope I can leave her with someone at home). The weird thing if this works [and sorry, probably pregnancy brain already, but I can't remember if I mentioned this or not] the embryo transferred was from the IVF cycle from before the one that brought me Butterfly, so if it succeeds there will be three years difference [more or less exactly as the transfer for Butterfly was on the 9th of Sep!!] between the two siblings but actually only a month between them two. This is also why I am not holding my breath too much about it succeeding. For start, the better embryos in that batch were transferred and there was no pregnancy. Also, and this is probably nonsense but, well.. it is three years old! not young. I mean don't embryos have a life expectancy? Can you transfer an embryo that has been retrieved years ago? [okay maybe yes - there was a story about these ancient date seeds that were found (not sure how and what), maybe two thousand years old (I must find that story!) and the scientists planted them because they wanted to learn about the date tree from back then, and while most didn't catch on, there were successful with some! Okay, science edition of the blog ended, though did you see the pictures of Mars from Curiosity? AMAZING!) Okay, I'm babbling. I now have to wait :-)[and make myself a nice cup of hot tea while I have the air conditioning going..]

Perfect Moment

My friend had a pool birthday party for her daughter today (Friday). As we came early and as my daughter looooves water and pools and all, we were the first ones in the pool. But I quickly remembered my waiting to hear from the fertility clinic (and being Friday, made me quite nervous I'll miss the instructions) so I drugged her out of the pool. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long for the call, but now Butterfly would not go back into the water. So while everybody was having a good time in the water, we were playing on the grass and I was hoping for a change of heart while trying to be cool with being at a pool party and not being in the pool.
Anyway, food was brought out and people came out of the pool to eat and a bit of party games and birthday cake and then people began to leave. And then she uttered - pool. Yes, now with most of the people gone she wanted in! (so that's what bugged her..). It was evening by now and really lovely!

So we were having a great time enjoying ourselves. And then she started screaming [or shouting? you know, for the fun of it..] and I, while reluctant at first, joined her.And we were screaming, forehead to forehead in the water and just enjoying the moment.I can't so much explain why it was such a moment. Maybe I too often think of how when she'll grow a bit more or talk a bit more etc and am not in the actual moment of my little toddler. Maybe it was because we were finally in the water or the coolness of the evening or the atmosphere at the end of the party with only a few people left. And maybe it was just simply a mother-daughter moment. I did, anyhow think of it's perfectness at the time and then I come home and open FB and see Lori mentioning the Perfect Moment Monday and while I haven't participated in a very very long time, isn't that a sign saying I should? :-).

title (none)

First I would like to apologize for being so late on my reading. Currently my reader is saying 478 yikes! unread posts :-(. It was this translation job that got me so behind, and then when I can I come and see such numbers and get overwhelmed.... [I can't just erase all and start new, just can't do that, but I will admit that I've learned that it's okay to not read every single post..]. And this translation job, it was hard work but good money (though when I thought about it, with the hard work I put into it, it wasn't so much good pay per hour, but more the fact that I could do it when Butterfly is sleeping [hmmm.. I mean when she's finally sleeping..] and not need to pay a nanny to have Butterfly off me so I can work) but the sad thing is she (the one who I "work" for) is on a break now. I can totally understand her - it is the summer holiday, she is home with the kids, it's hard enough for her she just can't take this extra work [she does this as something extra, it is not her main work]. Oh and did I mention that she's an SMC too? And with TRIPLETS? Yeah, I can understand her not wanting extra work when she has the kids full time, but it does suck a little as it was a good extra income in a difficult financial time. And then there's the FB group I've become addicted too (but I think it's starting to wear off. lol) and of course tonight I'm writing this post so won't be reading any (sorry!!).

Anyway.. that was a long introduction to what I hope will be a sort(ish?) post with an update on things. I wanted this time to do things through the public system. Mainly because of the cost but also it is easier for me to get to the local hospital (where I bought my sperm). But they have all the time in the world (I don't). I believe I wrote about the previous visit. Well at least they were nice. I came back to a really horrid doctor. Two things they wanted were from and endocrinologist to say I'm balanced and a diagnostic hysteroscopy. Well as for the later, I made a mistake and had an HSG. Okay wrong test, but really is that a reason to delay?? And the endo. I gave the dr. a letter saying I am being monitored. I understand my TSH is too high and I don't expect to start treatment, but knowing I am being monitored can't we just put a treatment plan which I will start only when I'm balanced? I mean do I really need to come in again!?! But more than that, he was really horrible and rude to me. 

So I decided that I really do not have time to waste and went to this semi private hospital. Actually it's the same one where I had B done, but now they added a co-pay (or whatever it's called) which is per treatment (I thought it was a once only thing). Sucks but I think it's much better that the public hospital (oh, did I mention how hard it was getting them on the phone when I needed? So I've been this week to them. Avery nice doctor [I could go all private and choose what doctor to work with or I could do what I'm doing and be with whatever doctor who are all top doctors. This first appointment I scheduled to when this doctor who was highly recommend works]. What a difference! As for the hysterscopy, he explained that it's a better test and because I gave birth but didn't make a deal of it. And as for the TSH, only when I'm balanced we will start treatment (as I said, didn't expect otherwise) but we still built a plan. (shortish post!? I must be kidding!). I am now on CD1. In about a week I'll test my TSH levels. If we are a go (please please please, but probably too early) then I'll be cycling. If not, then next month might be a problem as they are on vacation on the week of succot (I think end of Sep.) but hopefully my cycle will correlate otherwise it might be only Oct when I can actually finally start cycling.

I have one frozen embie there so we'll start off with a FET. On one hand it will be totally weird if I do get pregnant with this embie as it is from the cycle previous to the one from which I have Butterfly. So who is the older child!? I am also quite pessimistic it will work because after all the best embryos which were transferred in that cycle did not succeed so why it? On the other hand I can't leave this potential life of mine hanging there for ever. And what if there is a child in it?

The good news about it being a FET is that it's a natural cycle ( I will only be getting a progesterone support) so I'll be okay with breastfeeding. Which by the way I was to tell or not to tell and decided not. I won't lie if asked, but I am not going to have things put off yet again when I've researched and believe that at her age I can still breastfeed.

Okay it's after 2 am. I think I'll join my daughter in slumberland. I hope (I think) I wrote it all. Goodnight!

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