It is now quarter to ten. She's been up since six. She is tired. She should have already had her morning nap (or at least be napping) by now. But she will not go to sleep. I know today is worse because I've been less with her and more on the computer (trying to do some internet catching up, because morning is almost the only time I have for such, as when girl goes to sleep, I too "have to" go to bed. the plus side is that I don't get carried away and go to sleep too late like I did before but more importantly much easier to sooth her back to sleep if I'm by her side than if I'm only 20 seconds away in the next room). Just lies nursing by your side with eyes wide open. And nope, she won't close them! [gets me so errrrr. girl, just close your eyes and see how much easier it will be to fall asleep!] and.. what's that new thing you're doing..? trying to blow bubbles on my breast??
Interrupting news. At 9:55 girl finally fell asleep and slept for an hour and a half! Woke when mummy woke and had a thought of turning and lying with back to girl! [because you know, she has the back detector, wakes up if you turn your back to her..]
And then she does fall asleep, and... a normal person falls asleep and is asleep, right? So if something was to bother them at this point they would maybe open their eyes, toss to the other side, yawn and go back to sleep. Not with this girl. The slightest thing and she wakes up and is wide awake, and I had my nap thank you very much. Just no point of even trying to put her back to sleep again for a while. And I used to say to my self - how stupid of me for whatever I did, but well...
And I keep of getting advice (more like assvice) about how to help her sleep at night, like give her a bottle (used to - a bigger bottle!) or just a teaspoon of cereal (mother keeps on going on how from two months of age that would keep us asleep for the whole night. not interested in cereal. she is big and most certainly does not need pumping up by those extra calories). And well, that's not my problem. She is a baby and as one wakes up every so often to nurse and for comfort and whatever. We share a bed so all I have to do is pick my shirt up and shove a boob in her mouth. (but first put her on a bowl as it usually means she has to pee, but that's just on a side note). I don't have a problem with her not sleeping the whole night. Oh, and it also means she nurses! I am now much better with the breast feeding, but still a positive in my books for all those wakings. My (our..) problem is getting her to sleep.
Butterfly's Birthday
Monday, 31 January 2011
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
I shouted at my daughter.
Last night I shouted at my daughter :-(.
We were trying to get to sleep and she's over tired and sucks on my breast and tries to get up etc, i.e not getting to sleep. Anyway she then pees in her trousers (we don't wear a nappy to bed. lately I had very good nights with no misses! but yes, we do have misses. especially if girl drinks a lot and refuses to go to sleep, and mother is focused on getting girl to sleep and doesn't look out for signs...), and I go to change her, quite pissed by now. As usual when she is changed, she turns and escapes and what not. Funny how when she was little I thought how easy it is to change a baby and what are those people talking about.... oh and the screaming. I'm sure you've heard her from across the ocean.. Sometimes giving her something in her hands helps. So she's heading for the torch which was a few cm from her head and not only do I not let her get it, I also don't give it to her (stupid me. I was really getting angry at this point). And then I shout at her "enough already". She was a bit stunned, let me dress her and went to sleep without anymore fuss.
And I felt so bad for shouting at her. Felt like I'm following my father's foot steps, who would just go off and shout at us, never really patient with us. And I know I'm usually very patient and the above is not an everyday occurrence, but well in that moment I was my father there, and if I had one moment, there could be more. I just hope that by being aware, there won't be many (or any) such incidents.
We were trying to get to sleep and she's over tired and sucks on my breast and tries to get up etc, i.e not getting to sleep. Anyway she then pees in her trousers (we don't wear a nappy to bed. lately I had very good nights with no misses! but yes, we do have misses. especially if girl drinks a lot and refuses to go to sleep, and mother is focused on getting girl to sleep and doesn't look out for signs...), and I go to change her, quite pissed by now. As usual when she is changed, she turns and escapes and what not. Funny how when she was little I thought how easy it is to change a baby and what are those people talking about.... oh and the screaming. I'm sure you've heard her from across the ocean.. Sometimes giving her something in her hands helps. So she's heading for the torch which was a few cm from her head and not only do I not let her get it, I also don't give it to her (stupid me. I was really getting angry at this point). And then I shout at her "enough already". She was a bit stunned, let me dress her and went to sleep without anymore fuss.
And I felt so bad for shouting at her. Felt like I'm following my father's foot steps, who would just go off and shout at us, never really patient with us. And I know I'm usually very patient and the above is not an everyday occurrence, but well in that moment I was my father there, and if I had one moment, there could be more. I just hope that by being aware, there won't be many (or any) such incidents.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Friday, 10 December 2010
tidbits
Paige
What terrible news. She (she, because I doubt she'll be reading this blog anytime soon) is almost all the time in my thoughts. How can such a thing happen!? And more so, how can it happen just after a woman starts feeling baby moving and the joy it brings, and then finding out she's having a boy. To say how unfair it is, will be an understatement.
SMC
That is single mothers by choice. Choice. I won't go into the Hebrew translation/semantics (kind of complicated to explain), but in brief there is a word (well exact me has to say compound word..) to talk about a person (mainly woman) who is the only or main care taker of her kids, be it by divorce or becoming pregnant through donor sperm etc. I think in English single mum also refers to it all. Then this new word was coined with the meaning of the woman (or man, but that's too rare) who is the only parent of the kid, there's no one else in the background. And I like this word and use it to describe myself. But then they also added - by choice. And well... there was recently a discussion about it on my board, because someone stated how she doesn't like the 'by choice', as she didn't see what choice she had. Most of the woman said she did have a choice, how she could have probably compromised on such and such a guy or went to shared parenting etc. I am with that woman on that that having a kid alone was not so much a choice but life circumstances. The same thing about choice could be said about many other paths we take/don't take in life. For example, at one time I very much wanted to be a pathologist. Circumstances more than anything, and I didn't become one. And it's not a bad or a good thing. As for the word choice in Single Mothers by Choice, I see it as describing my motherhood and not how I got there (single). I chose to become a mother. I didn't choose to become a single one. And just to clarify, I am not saying it's a bad thing or that I'm miserable etc. I couldn't be any happier than I am now, choice or no choice.
love
I very much expected baby to pop out of me and me to feel tremendous love for her, because you know, I've been waiting for this little girl to come into my life for such a long time, from long before I knew I could do this and that I could do this on my own. Too many years of dreaming of her/him. So of course I'd love her the moment she enters the world! More so that I was bonding with her during pregnancy. But then maybe it was the horrid birth and maybe those first very difficult months, and maybe those are just excuses, but I didn't feel love for my little girl. I cared for her a lot and would do anything for her, but it wasn't love. Not sure when I started actually loving her, but today? I love this little girl to pieces, I love her to the moon and back and back again. I just love love love her. And I try telling her how I love her, so she'll grow up with that word on her lips :-).
breastfeeding
I think mostly when I mentioned breastfeeding, it was in a negative context. Well, I just want to say how so very much I am lately enjoying breastfeeding my little girl. She is hard to breastfeed as she grabs and pokes and pulls and you name it with those little hands of hers, but shhhh... I am here now to tell you how I love it. How I look at her on my breast, how she claims that soft tissue to be hers! And I love that, love how natural it is for her, how it calms her, how it feeds her, how it's just there for her and how she knows it!
a crawler
yikes! I knew it would come early (she is so very active and achieved previous goals early too) and for some time knew any minute she should actually be crawling and not going backwards or doing the jumping thing she does to advance. And while it's not so easy as the floor (laminated) is too slippery, more so with it being winter and the trousers, but omg! She now can get anywhere she wants! And I am so behind on the child proofing!
What terrible news. She (she, because I doubt she'll be reading this blog anytime soon) is almost all the time in my thoughts. How can such a thing happen!? And more so, how can it happen just after a woman starts feeling baby moving and the joy it brings, and then finding out she's having a boy. To say how unfair it is, will be an understatement.
SMC
That is single mothers by choice. Choice. I won't go into the Hebrew translation/semantics (kind of complicated to explain), but in brief there is a word (well exact me has to say compound word..) to talk about a person (mainly woman) who is the only or main care taker of her kids, be it by divorce or becoming pregnant through donor sperm etc. I think in English single mum also refers to it all. Then this new word was coined with the meaning of the woman (or man, but that's too rare) who is the only parent of the kid, there's no one else in the background. And I like this word and use it to describe myself. But then they also added - by choice. And well... there was recently a discussion about it on my board, because someone stated how she doesn't like the 'by choice', as she didn't see what choice she had. Most of the woman said she did have a choice, how she could have probably compromised on such and such a guy or went to shared parenting etc. I am with that woman on that that having a kid alone was not so much a choice but life circumstances. The same thing about choice could be said about many other paths we take/don't take in life. For example, at one time I very much wanted to be a pathologist. Circumstances more than anything, and I didn't become one. And it's not a bad or a good thing. As for the word choice in Single Mothers by Choice, I see it as describing my motherhood and not how I got there (single). I chose to become a mother. I didn't choose to become a single one. And just to clarify, I am not saying it's a bad thing or that I'm miserable etc. I couldn't be any happier than I am now, choice or no choice.
love
I very much expected baby to pop out of me and me to feel tremendous love for her, because you know, I've been waiting for this little girl to come into my life for such a long time, from long before I knew I could do this and that I could do this on my own. Too many years of dreaming of her/him. So of course I'd love her the moment she enters the world! More so that I was bonding with her during pregnancy. But then maybe it was the horrid birth and maybe those first very difficult months, and maybe those are just excuses, but I didn't feel love for my little girl. I cared for her a lot and would do anything for her, but it wasn't love. Not sure when I started actually loving her, but today? I love this little girl to pieces, I love her to the moon and back and back again. I just love love love her. And I try telling her how I love her, so she'll grow up with that word on her lips :-).
breastfeeding
I think mostly when I mentioned breastfeeding, it was in a negative context. Well, I just want to say how so very much I am lately enjoying breastfeeding my little girl. She is hard to breastfeed as she grabs and pokes and pulls and you name it with those little hands of hers, but shhhh... I am here now to tell you how I love it. How I look at her on my breast, how she claims that soft tissue to be hers! And I love that, love how natural it is for her, how it calms her, how it feeds her, how it's just there for her and how she knows it!
a crawler
yikes! I knew it would come early (she is so very active and achieved previous goals early too) and for some time knew any minute she should actually be crawling and not going backwards or doing the jumping thing she does to advance. And while it's not so easy as the floor (laminated) is too slippery, more so with it being winter and the trousers, but omg! She now can get anywhere she wants! And I am so behind on the child proofing!
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Dear Paige has just lost her baby. Please go and be with her.
Obviously I won't do my small miracles post.
Obviously I won't do my small miracles post.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
miracles.. day#3
The nanny. I'm not over the moon with her. She's o.k for the job I guess, simple as she is. When I was searching for a nanny, I wanted someone young and full of energy. I didn't care for experience (on the contrary, preferred none), but the women who came to be interviewed.. The one before my nanny might have had many years of experience, but, hmmm.. was quite old and grumpy slow and heavy going. To tell the truth, I just saw her and it was a no. And I was in a kind of despair if that's what I'll find.
And then my nanny came. And while not exactly the youngster I was looking for, she is still young enough and mostly she seemed with a positive attitude to life. Now that's something I'd like my girl to be around.. She always greats us with a big hello, always seems happy to see Butterfly.
Another thing - I don't work on school holidays. Most of the nannies I've interviewed had a problem with that, but what can I do!? As it is I am squeezing my badget to pay for the nanny, so to give out money when I'm not getting any?? Well turns out this nanny has another morning job and also a son in school. She prefers having school holidays off so she can be with her son!
And might I add that I found her really in the last moment??
And then my nanny came. And while not exactly the youngster I was looking for, she is still young enough and mostly she seemed with a positive attitude to life. Now that's something I'd like my girl to be around.. She always greats us with a big hello, always seems happy to see Butterfly.
Another thing - I don't work on school holidays. Most of the nannies I've interviewed had a problem with that, but what can I do!? As it is I am squeezing my badget to pay for the nanny, so to give out money when I'm not getting any?? Well turns out this nanny has another morning job and also a son in school. She prefers having school holidays off so she can be with her son!
And might I add that I found her really in the last moment??
Friday, 3 December 2010
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