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Saturday, 26 December 2009


I am very much aware that I am not the average person, far from it, and I have never been such and never will be. Sometimes I enjoy my differentiality, and sometimes it bothers me, why can't I just be like everyone else. One of the side "benefits" of becoming a mother (and s-o not the reason to, it would completely not be me if that would be the reason) is the feeling that here I am finally doing something like everyone else, I am finally normal.
Like going into all the delivery issues at such an early stage (and then reading other bloggers whose pregnancies are very much more advanced than me, doing that stuff now). And will add that I'm meeting a possible Douala on Monday, when I spoke to her on the phone she was - oh, you have plenty of time.... Yes, most people would probably start searching for a doula at a later stage, but I would rather know now :-). And the want to not have an epidural birth (and please please please - not a cesarean). I believe the majority of women want a painless birth , just give me the baby at the end of it, and I so want the experience, to be there and do it.

And usual for this unbelonging feeling, sometimes it still feels strange. Especially when being in a group of people who are so-called like me. I mean how can I be different when I am with these people who "by definition" are different??
Point be that today I had a day out with my SMC group. It was mostly lovely (although being such a social inept, it was also somewhat awkward), but then.. Started on the way there with this woman I took a ride with and her talking about how important it is to give birth in a hospital, just in case something goes wrong. I, on the other hand, am all for home birth's and really don't think births need or should take place in a hospital (assuming of course all is well with the pregnancy and all), and if I could I would have such a birth (but I can't). I tried saying something, but she went on and on, so I stopped myself - do I really need everyone to see how different I am!? And then at the picnic, looking at all the babies, all of them in disposable diapers (I am planning on using cloth diapers, and would love to try elimination communication [being without a diaper]), and these babies were put on blankets on the grass, and sometimes they got to the edge and put leaves/small branches/grass/etc into their mouths and their mothers' were quick to jump in and say "no" (I not only won't mind, but I think it's lovely how babies are interested in the real world and not really too keen on those plastic artificial toys we give them. And I think it's a great learning experience for them, as the mouth at these ages is the major way for them to sense the world). Though I did express here my views [sorry, couldn't help it..], the point was not to say this way is good or right and that is not, just that again there was this feeling of being different, of the stream going one way an I the other, a feeling that was somewhat intensified by being amongst a group of women who are definitely not the norm.

And then on the other hand.. while writing this post I stopped by a pregnancy board [want to add a "regular" board (meaning not women after treatment) where women are mostly young and.. and I do not have the highest opinion on them..]. Anyway there was a discussion there that started with a question about kissing your baby's private parts. It was more the reactions then the point of view, stating how it's appalling and disgusting and such. Now while I have to agree that it does not sound right to me, mainly because I am thinking of the mother kissing baby only down there, it could be the mother was covering baby all over with kissed and just didn't stop there. Still, it is probably much more of a clear cut and I assume we all agree that basically that's wrong, but the discussion continued to nudity, as in having your new born baby put on you while you're both not wearing anything and to kisses on the lips between parents and their little ones. Most comments were how awful and disgusting all the above [shall I add that I completely don't think so :-) that I see the human body, the bare human body, as such a wonderful thing and that nothing could be purer than mother and baby bonding....], and I think it was less the being for or against (though it probably "helped".. ) and more the language that was used. Talking about awful and appalling and disgusting and shocking. Language that clearly showed how they do not step out of their small box in which they lived. The exact same type of response I saw the other day when reading an old discussion about raising diaper free kids [do I have to add a "regular" baby-parent board, as in not on a natural parenthood board. I went there because someone referred to it] - appalling and disgusting and how awful are those parents (because their babies are obviously in poop all day, etc). Anyway, here I felt kind of good feeling different, to be thinking for myself and not being part of this herd (a herd who says about anything they don't know - disgusting; appalling; revolting; etc). And yes, it is easy to distinguish yourself from the herd when you come in advance with opposing views, and many times I am part of the herb that just says nay to something they never heard of, but today, after the uneasiness feeling that came with feeling different at the SMC meeting, it was nice ending it with feeling somewhat good about being different..


tireegal68 said...

Thanks so much for a great post. I have thought some of the same thoughts even though I'm not pregnant yet - I think in mothering your decisions about how to raise your children become so much more public than at any time in ones life. And it can really be uncomfortable if you're not one of those 'regular' moms! I think in many ways I am out of the mainstream too, and I really wonder how I will deal with all those obnoxious opinionated people. I think it helps to have pockets of ones life that are filled wolirh other people who are more interesting or 'different' or however you want to typify it. I'd be interested on hearing about the ways thst you think of yourself as different - in regular life as well as mommy life. I hope you find a comfortable niche somewhere among all the clones!

battynurse said...

One thing I've seen without having even reached being pregnant is from pregnancy on everyone has different ideas about the how to's and most are 100% convinced theirs is the "right" way. Funny thing is that really there are a lot of right ways. Me personally I know I'm high enough risk that a home birth would never be an option and it would scare the pants off me. Those with low risk pregnancies are able to view the subject with different colored glasses and make their own choices. None of which are particularly wrong, just different. I also will say that I agree with you that the placing of the newborn on it's mothers naked chest is a good thing and has been backed up by science. A lot of NICU's practice Kangaroo care or skin to skin bonding as it's good for both mother and baby. However if you're from an area that doesn't practice this on a regular basis it could be different enough to be viewed as strange or gross.
I think the best plan (although often far from the easiest plan) is to decide your own path and stick to it regardless of what others think and when ever possible find others who follow the same or a similar path.

Anonymous said...

I feel your frustration at being somehow 'different, from other moms. I live in a conservative town of less than 800 people. People here have no hesitation about saying how disgusting it is that I had my son via anonymous donor, how I am depriving him of a dad, and how I must have something wrong with me for making such a bizarre and gross decision.

I am high risk because of my blood clotting disorder, so I can't do the home birth thing either. But I get the desire to not have a c-section, and I am happy to have avoided that so far! I did have what they called a 'walking epidural' with my son, and it was amazing. I could feel all the contractions, I could move around, and I really was present in the birth.
People seem to think you're weird for not using everything modern and plastic! I use cloth diapers at home, and I used glass bottles (couldn't breastfeed because of being on coumadin). My son never had a pacifier either. I like to buy him wooden toys when I can. I do not allow my daughter to have video games at home. We don't have a Wii, X-Box, Nintendo, etc. WE HAVE BOOKS!!!! I get a lot of weird looks and eye rolling. But hey, I'm used to that by now!!!
I envy the fact that you even have a SMC group! Here, people think that if you're a single mom, its either because you are divorced or an irresponsible, easy barfly who got pregnant by a drunken accident. No one in their right mind would have children out of wedlock on PURPOSE!!!

Oh, and I don't think it is weird to be preparing early! My daughter was born 4 weeks early, and that totally caught me off guard. With my son, I wanted to be more prepared!