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Thursday, 19 August 2010


I am so tired and exhausted. It's not as difficult now as the first few weeks were, but still very exhausting with hardly any time for self (writing this post.. should be sleeping now), but I think that probably that's why I am so out of emotions and just wanting to get to better times. Back then, as in the first two or three weeks, I really couldn't see beyond where I was. But now that it is somewhat easier, I can look into the future, and feel despair things won't get much easier anytime soon (and when they will, she'll probably start teething. yeah, not waiting for that). Maybe now it's more an emotional exhaustion whereas back then it was very much physical. And the horrible hot humid weather and my inability to go anywhere with her (outside the house, that is. unless with my mother which would be for the girl's checkup etc [oh, can I put aside my gloomy mood and tell you how she is now in the 75th percentile for weight? Up from the 10th and then 33rd percentile! As she is very long (92nd percentile. beats me how short me has such a long daughter..) she is still quite thin, but 75th percentile!]. Where was I.. I was planning on using the cloth slings I have for going out with her and for just moving around the house with her, but that is quite impossible in this weather. Plus when I did try and use them, I didn't manage to put her correctly as she kept sliding down. I have an older kid's sling, one where the child is supposed to be able to sit to use it. I'll wait till she's 3 months old and use it very occasionally at first, because I really need to "get some air" from time to time.
So it is very very hot and humid, I am stuck home most days, and I have the girl that sleeps very little during the day. [of course she is always sleeping when other people come..] (and I just had another day [or rather night] of vomiting from the pill I take to help increase my milk flow*, which probably isn't contributing to my mood).
Somebody posted on a forum a pic of her one month old baby, saying how so full of love she is to her son, how she didn't know such feeling could exist. And I.. while I care very much about my little girl, and want and try to do what's best (in my opinion) for her, I don't think it is love I feel for her. Yes, I think she is amazing and terrific and clever [she already knows that pshhh pshhhh pshhhh means you can pee now. and yes, there are misses, but I am so delighted every time she does it in the bowl] and she's doing things like laughing! and picking her head up nicely. But do I love her? I don't think so. At least not like that person talked about her love to her son. Maybe it is because I am so tired, maybe because I still can not believe she is my daughter. Impossible! Maybe because she doesn't look at all like me. Funny, I always thought that doesn't matter when other SMCs talked about how the chose a donor who resembles them so the child will look more or less like his/her mother. And then I had the daughter who does not look like me, and it kind of bothers me.

And I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So I'll add a rant about how annoying it is people telling me not to do this or that because I'll be sorry later on. Basically two things to do with going to sleep - breastfeeding and her lying on me. She always doses off when on my breast, so I do get her to sleep with the breast. Especially at night (actually breastfeeding lying down in bed is something I've mastered recently), it is so much easier (don't have to get out of bed, prepare a bottle, etc). So later on I'll have a hard time because she won't be able to sleep without the breast? Not really sure how I'm supposed to get her to sleep otherwise (I mean breast or bottle). And the lying on me.. they tend to think that is how I put her to sleep, but no way will she sleep on me if she's awake. No, I lay down with her on me only once she is somewhat asleep. That is the highlight of my day, I so enjoy these moments. So maybe in the future I'll have a big and heavy kid I won't want to do this anymore (though I really can't imagine not wanting daughter to lay her cute head on her mama..), or a time when I won't want to feed her to sleep. I think I'll find how to deal with it when the time comes. Right now these are little things I enjoy. I call these second child advice. Let me do these "mistakes" with my first child. Second child? I'll be wiser and smarter.

*ironically it is a pill for people who suffer from nausea and/or vomiting. It is supposed to stop you from vomiting, not cause you to do so! So I take it, then stop for a few days and my milk goes way down (and yes, I do pump). Probably realising that I'll might have to say goodbye to breastfeeding much sooner (much much sooner) than I intended is also not adding to my mood. A lost battle :-(.


Paige said...

My sweet Billy...I'm SURE every new mother has these feelings you're having (I can't wait to find out!). Seems like those of us who had a hard time getting pregnant are sometimes under pressure to make everything seem so perfect i.e. the blog post you talked about. I'm sure you love your little one, you're just so tired and frustrated and having a lot of issues right now. The hot weather is enough to drive anyone near the edge. Hang in there, girl....it's got to get better and it WILL.

P.S. Congrats to G for gaining allll that weight...way to go!

Meg said...

Of course that other mother was raving about the LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Not too many would be brave enough to admit otherwise. I remember wondering where that wave of deep incredible love was too. Sure, I loved the boy but I wasn't always overwhelmed with the LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!! Mostly I was just overwhelmed and exhausted.

I have 4 kinds of carriers and had the hardest time using them until the boy was close to 4 months. He didn't like them and it was so gosh darn hot that I wasn't the biggest fan either. One day it just worked and now we both love the babywearing.

Don't listen to what other people are telling you that you'll regret later. It's all about survival right now and if the breast is what it takes to get her to sleep then go with it! If you enjoy that time then who cares! If you find that you need to make a change later then deal with it then. I still have to nurse the boy to sleep and it's the best part of my day.

I promise it does get easier! Now go get some sleep!

Shannon said...

I have several friends who love and adore their children, but they did NOT like having babies. One of my friends would love to have another, and she hated infancy so much she's considering adopting a toddler! So I don't think you're alone in your feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion.

I hope it gets better soon!

Navigating The Rapids said...

It took me a while to feel that all consuming love for my daughter. I think I was so traumatized by TTC and my pregnancy from hell that I wouldn't let myself get too attached. Then when she came out, I thought well where is the angel choir and sunshine. So of course I felt odd, but now, even when she is driving me nuts, I know I love her more than anything in the world. Glad to hear your little one is doing so well. As for the advice, luckily most of my friends have teenage kids, so they didn't offer up too much.

MommieV said...

I breastfed to sleep because IT WORKED! I still nursed her to sleep until she was over a year old. Now, once she got bigger, we did have a bit of a problem because she would want/need to nurse to go back to sleep every time she woke up. Then we started some sleep training and once she learned to go back to sleep on her own that was solved. I personally think nursing to sleep is fine, especially in the beginning, and once they are older you can teach them that there are other ways they can go to sleep.

I did try to not let her sleep on me too much because I was afraid all those people would be right and that she wouldn't ever sleep any other way. But I did relish a few moments of sleeping newborn on my chest. And she was right next to me in the bed at night, so I got to enjoy that.

And noone loves anyone or anything in the humid and the heat!!

Genkicat said...

Oh Billy,

You are doing great. Another blogger commented on one of my posts when my girl was born to remember that hormones are vicious. And they are! So everything you are feeling is perfectly normal, and its good that you are being honest with yourself about them. Its hard at this early stage to know how you feel about anything, especially with the enormity of the job you are doing. Accept help from anyone - and if no one is offering, hire someone to help. It will make a world of difference.

And Rhian hated any sort of sling or carrier until she was about 8 weeks old. Then I could regularly and comfortably get her in a ring sling. But I have a number of carriers and I have to switch all the time. Somedays she likes it and other days she doesn't.

Take care - you are doing great. And everything will get better. Honest.

Tiara said...

Billy, I value & admire your honesty & up-front-ness! I believe so many mothers feel like you do but are too afraid to admit it for fear of judgement. The book I'm reading has a whole chapter about this & explains it's normal & not something to be ashamed of at all. You are a great mom!

I agree with you too about people letting you make your own "mistakes" and just because they think it's a mistake, doesn't mean it is.

Take care & big hugs to you & your girl!

battynurse said...

Ok, first off. You are exhausted (as all new mothers are). You're moods are going to be so wacky crazy and then when you throw in hormonal which you still are I would let yourself feel the feelings and not feel bad about them. It's all part of motherhood. As far as whether you love her, I'm sure that if something happened where she was in danger you would defend her with your life if you had to. It's just so hard to focus on anything when you are tired. You are doing fabulous. Hang in there and hope you're getting some sleep.

Anonymous said...

You will find that there are times when you aren't loving motherhood, you are merely surviving it. Especially as a SMC. I've been doing this a while and still, there are days I am overwhelmed and so tired I just want to curl up in my bed and cry, but that's simply not an option.
This will more than likely pass, but if you're still feeling this way in a couple weeks, don't be ashamed to bring it up to your doctor. I had terrible post partum depression after Ceara was born, and didn't feel like I was connected to her at all, I was just tired and wanted to be left alone to sleep. She was just this screaming kid that never seemed happy, and I resented her for making me feel so inadequate. I know, I'm a therapist, so I'm probably hyper-sensitive to some cues, but please, don't ignore it if you're not bouncing back soon.