I am so tired and exhausted. It's not as difficult now as the first few weeks were, but still very exhausting with hardly any time for self (writing this post.. should be sleeping now), but I think that probably that's why I am so out of emotions and just wanting to get to better times. Back then, as in the first two or three weeks, I really couldn't see beyond where I was. But now that it is somewhat easier, I can look into the future, and feel despair things won't get much easier anytime soon (and when they will, she'll probably start teething. yeah, not waiting for that). Maybe now it's more an emotional exhaustion whereas back then it was very much physical. And the horrible hot humid weather and my inability to go anywhere with her (outside the house, that is. unless with my mother which would be for the girl's checkup etc [oh, can I put aside my gloomy mood and tell you how she is now in the 75th percentile for weight? Up from the 10th and then 33rd percentile! As she is very long (92nd percentile. beats me how short me has such a long daughter..) she is still quite thin, but 75th percentile!]. Where was I.. I was planning on using the cloth slings I have for going out with her and for just moving around the house with her, but that is quite impossible in this weather. Plus when I did try and use them, I didn't manage to put her correctly as she kept sliding down. I have an older kid's sling, one where the child is supposed to be able to sit to use it. I'll wait till she's 3 months old and use it very occasionally at first, because I really need to "get some air" from time to time.
So it is very very hot and humid, I am stuck home most days, and I have the girl that sleeps very little during the day. [of course she is always sleeping when other people come..] (and I just had another day [or rather night] of vomiting from the pill I take to help increase my milk flow*, which probably isn't contributing to my mood).
Somebody posted on a forum a pic of her one month old baby, saying how so full of love she is to her son, how she didn't know such feeling could exist. And I.. while I care very much about my little girl, and want and try to do what's best (in my opinion) for her, I don't think it is love I feel for her. Yes, I think she is amazing and terrific and clever [she already knows that pshhh pshhhh pshhhh means you can pee now. and yes, there are misses, but I am so delighted every time she does it in the bowl] and she's doing things like laughing! and picking her head up nicely. But do I love her? I don't think so. At least not like that person talked about her love to her son. Maybe it is because I am so tired, maybe because I still can not believe she is my daughter. Impossible! Maybe because she doesn't look at all like me. Funny, I always thought that doesn't matter when other SMCs talked about how the chose a donor who resembles them so the child will look more or less like his/her mother. And then I had the daughter who does not look like me, and it kind of bothers me.
And I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So I'll add a rant about how annoying it is people telling me not to do this or that because I'll be sorry later on. Basically two things to do with going to sleep - breastfeeding and her lying on me. She always doses off when on my breast, so I do get her to sleep with the breast. Especially at night (actually breastfeeding lying down in bed is something I've mastered recently), it is so much easier (don't have to get out of bed, prepare a bottle, etc). So later on I'll have a hard time because she won't be able to sleep without the breast? Not really sure how I'm supposed to get her to sleep otherwise (I mean breast or bottle). And the lying on me.. they tend to think that is how I put her to sleep, but no way will she sleep on me if she's awake. No, I lay down with her on me only once she is somewhat asleep. That is the highlight of my day, I so enjoy these moments. So maybe in the future I'll have a big and heavy kid I won't want to do this anymore (though I really can't imagine not wanting daughter to lay her cute head on her mama..), or a time when I won't want to feed her to sleep. I think I'll find how to deal with it when the time comes. Right now these are little things I enjoy. I call these second child advice. Let me do these "mistakes" with my first child. Second child? I'll be wiser and smarter.
*ironically it is a pill for people who suffer from nausea and/or vomiting. It is supposed to stop you from vomiting, not cause you to do so! So I take it, then stop for a few days and my milk goes way down (and yes, I do pump). Probably realising that I'll might have to say goodbye to breastfeeding much sooner (much much sooner) than I intended is also not adding to my mood. A lost battle :-(.