on births

My cousin (second cousin to be exact..) gave birth the other day. Funny thing - she shares the same first name as my sister (#6) who herself is due any day now, so when I told my mother: "You know S just gave birth...." quickly realizing I had to specify it's the other S, not S my sister. In that millisecond my mum... Well I'm sure my mum won't hear from me about my sister's birth (and she wasn't really supposed to hear from me about cousin but that's no biggie..).

Anyway I am putting off phoning to congratulate. I'm not talking about my cousin herself. I understand she had a difficult birth, and I would like to give her some time to recover, instead of bombing her with phone calls when she should be resting and getting used to the new situation. My cousin.. it wasn't an easy journey. She too went the donor sperm route (she's a lesbian) and had treatments for some time (IUIs & IVF) until she just couldn't do it anymore. She took a long break, came back, had an IVF cycle and voila.. [wanted to use here the phrase walla which not only is a Hebrew (yes, actually Arab) expression I'm not sure how to translate, but apparently has a complete different meaning in English, so I'll leave it with three dots]


I'm actually avoiding calling the mother. Yes, I'm happy for her and all, but really really don't want all the questioning - what's happening with you, etc. You see, when I first told sister #1 about wanting to have a child alone, her initial reaction was against it. She then talked about it with this aunt (R. She is sister #1's motherly figure..) who told her off :-) said she should support me etc. I myself don't talk much to this aunt (I am so not a communicative person), and last time, she was very supportive but also some what nagging and nosey. O.K, I think it's high time after I send this post to do the call!

I also discovered this weekend that sister #1 is going to be assisting sister #6 with her birth. Sister #6 is going to have a home birth (a real home birth that is, last time though it was called a home birth and wasn't done in a hospital, it was also not done at her own home), and besides the midwife and her dear husband, apparently also sister #1 will be there.
And I don't know how I feel about it. A mixture of feelings. First I am/was secretly counting on sister #1 being with me at my birth. Secretly since I think it is way to early to say anything out loud, besides, I feel it's a chutzpa to ask such a thing. So on one hand it's good to know that yes, I can ask her such a thing and more so besides the experience she already has with giving birth to her own children, she will, after aiding my sister, also have that additional experience of helping from the side. But on the other hand.. it feels so unfair! Again someone beat me to it (I'll add that a newly mother on my SMC board had the nerve to give her son my son's name! Yes, the name I intended for my own son*, which is not such a common name. And every time she writes about him and posts his pictures and writes his name [unfortunately unlike most who don't publish such details, she does], well that unfairness feeling comes again).
And then there's also the number of people who'll assist in the birth. The midwife, sister's husband and sister #1. I mean the first birth, besides the midwife there was just the husband. This is a second birth, so she probably knows better. And I'm thinking, oh dear, I can't count just on sister #1. I definitely don't want my mother. Sister #6 would be a great choice, but with 2 little ones that probably is not even a possibility. I don't want a doula. I know I have plenty plenty plenty time to think about it, but it just somehow scared me.

P.S
If I'm already posting, I have to add this funny story from last night. Well I have this 4 yrs old nephew and 1.7 old niece (yes, I do have more, but these two meet more often and it's about them, well actually her). The little girl (sister #6's daughter, yes the one who is due..) speaks (well more spoken to then speaks) English at home (it is a bit funny since her parents between themselves speak Hebrew [might I add that her husband is a South-African! and we do come from an English speaking background]). Well the little girl "speaks" mainly English, but when she comes up with something in Hebrew, we know it's from the day-care. So as she was riding the boy's toy, we told him he could play with her baby pram. A little pram that goes with her everywhere. Apparently a wrong call, since she burst into such a big cry, and then said: "lo marsha!" [(I) don't allow!]. That was soooo funny. The things they pick up at day care..

* to be clear, I'm not hoping for a boy (actually I would somewhat prefer a girl. A point I would rather wait to discuss if and when the time comes), it's just that she took my boy's name.

open <~> closed

A short discussion on a T.V program about open/closed donors. Well not exactly about open closed, more about the Rabanut wanting to have a name list of babies conceived through donor sperm, and who the donor was. Opposing the Rabbi on the show was a lawyer that said it's enough to have a genetic such list, no need for names, in order to cover the Halachic** and medical problems. I would so not want my child to be on any list held by the Rabanut. More so from donors' perspective - they were guaranteed anonymity when donating (only closed donations here), so that would be cheating them.
The problem is that the donor situation here is bad, very bad (waiting to start working with a sperm bank could take up to 6 months) and the fear among SMCs' here is that any such discussion will deter potential donors [They also fear having open donations here, again in fear of deterring potential donors. Personally I would love it if there were 2 paths - open and closed, but that's not going to happen, not any time soon anyway].

But one point the Rabbi made was about the right for the child to know his father. Don't exactly understand why there's a difference, but an adoptive child can, at the age of 18, open his file and learn about his biological parents, while a child conceived through donor sperm can't (here!).
I would have loved donor to have some kind of identity (theoretically I could have ordered an open I.D donor from abroad, but I really can't afford it, so that's kind of out of the question). My wanting to know about the donor is so I can give that knowledge to my child. I am not thinking of child going up to the sperm donor after 18 years and saying 'hello dad' and them living happily ever after. No, my child is mine and mine alone, but I would like to be able to tell child who was the person who helped create her* to fill child in with as much detail as I can. You see, I love asking my parents about their heritage, and to deny this (well 50% of this) from my child.. But I am learning to live with it.

And now there was a message on our forum of these bereaved parents who are seeking someone to mother their deceased son's child. He was 24 when he passed and has left sperm and a desire to have kids after his death. It is not the first time that such a request appears, but up till now they all seemed somewhat creepy (more parents wishing to hang on to their child then their child genuinely wanting to become parents even if they don't survive). And somehow here.. I think it makes a difference that they say it was their son's will, or maybe I'm at a different place now from when I read about those previous requests, but I am seriously contemplating contacting them.
The advantage - my child will know who her father was, all the knowledge I am seeking about him will be there. Plus they say they don't want anything except fulfilling their son's will and the joy of helping someone become a mother. So I guess they won't be pushy and too much involved etc, but on the other hand (depends how things develop between us) they might be somewhat involved, and could be nice for child to have another set of grandparents.
The disadvantage - from the point of the child, is this wise? How might she feel with such a background history, having a father who has died before she was conceived? What implications could there be? Will it confuse her too much? Will it be more painful then just having an anonymous guy who helped create her? Maybe it's only me who wants to be able to fill child with information about donor while she might be happy as things are?

* Yes, I think I'll use the feminine pronoun here when speaking about child, since it might be confusing when using "him" for both donor and child :-).

** namely possible problems when child wants to get married as there are no civil weddings here, only religious.

Tiredness

So tired.
Thought I'd write some kind of funny post like 5 reasons for becoming a mother, where I would say that at least when you have a little baby and you are so tired of sleepless nights and all, at least you have that bundle of joy next to you, even though at the moment she is probably screaming (God, all these expectations I have of this happiness, I hope if I ever do become a mother that I won't have PPD). More so that at least you have a good excuse. "I'm tired because I haven't slept much since my three week old....." sounds much better than I'm tired since the pills I'm taking have that bonus side effect [but can't think of anymore "reasons" to make such a list for that post, so I abandoned the idea..].
And yes, those pills are making me ever so tired. Not that I wasn't one of those who loved sleeping before (people might say that sleeping is a waste of time, that a 1/3 of our life is wasted on sleep. I couldn't disagree more!), but it is definitely worse now.

I've just had some kind of drink [containing apple and date's honey and nuts etc..] and was asked what kind of addition I would want with it. It's a health bar and the additions (strengthenings as they call them) are energy, dietetic, sportive etc. So of course I went for the energy. Can't hurt a girl who totally lacks energy to get some in her drink, can it? Well looking at what it contains I saw B12 and folic acid (don't remember the rest). Folic Acid. I've stopped taking that when I realized I have to stop TTC for now. I know I should continue taking it, I know it doesn't do any harm, that the longer I take it the better, but I really can't take it when I'm not even trying, when I find it hard to believe I ever will be pregnant. But seeing the folic acid as an energy provider.. so maybe that's just one more reason for my complete lack on energy and tiredness (though I have been taking it since August, so I should have enough in me...)

And I am not saying that before I was a canon load of energy. I was always less energetic than the average person. The psychiatrist asked me to do some blood tests (to see if it's anything physical), and as far as I can tell (he hasn't seen them yet), all the results are within the norm. But right now I am so tired and have completely no energy. I really believe that not TTC, not doing anything towards a baby, not being able to see that ever happen, is a big energy sucker. I also know I was totally drained emotionally by people who well, I used to say cared about me, though deep down I probably have a knowledge that they do, I completely don't feel it.

I really hope that by May the latest (the month of my birthday, plus when my therapist is due..) I'll be back on the wagon again. May, that is after all the tests and bureaucracy and whatever is needed if I'm to advance to IVF [not that pessimistic me can see it happening. May is ever so close :-( ]

Friday Night

Just came back from a lovely lovely Friday night meal with my family. When my father sent us all an e-mail asking to reintroduce the Friday nights meals and Kiddish we used to have as kids, those obligatory moments were we all fought with each other and the atmosphere was unpleasant and all, I thought yeah just let the evening pass. But I am so surprised how enjoyable it was. I mean I knew it wouldn't be like back those days but still didn't expect to have such a nice time. Funny how we all stood at our regular places around the table for the Kiddish (and funny as always how the kiddish wine has to zigzag across the table because there is an order by which it is drunk [by age, but first men and then women & children. No, not a tradition I like..] and of course we don't stand 'correctly'). I also didn't expect to have such a lovely time because it ain't lovely times for me.

Sister #1, as "her name" describes her, is the eldest. Though I am not close to her, don't chit-chat with her and don't phone to say hi (I don't exactly with the others, but more so don't with her), she has always been a figure I knew I could go to if/when I needed to, kind of a mother figure (my mother, well.. not exactly). She was first to hear of my plan to try to conceive using donor sperm, she knew when I started hormones. Somehow when we meet [not often] and she asks what is happening on the TTC front, I tell her. The rest usually get the "you'll know when I'm pregnant" or the likes. So when asked, I told her about the break (hey, and now I'm telling you guys :-)). Funny since she said I looked glamorous and even wondered if I was pregnant, especially funny considering how/what I was a day or two before. I told her that I'm to see a psychiatrist on Sunday, and probably start some kind of medication. She was very supportive and said I should first sort myself out. I understand that, I can even overcome my rejection to being medicated (hey, I don't even take Akamol*). I mean I doubt if it will be easy to admit to taking some kind of psychiatric pill, not something I think I would share with the world. But it's the break that comes with it that is the most difficult. I realize people around me [those from my "communa" and also sister #1] see it as a necessary break, as only postponing motherhood until when I am better. But I feel like it's not a matter of postponing, like if I don't do it now I will never become a mother. I just feel like I am mourning motherhood. Like O.K I'll go there do it, because I am really falling apart, but like I can't do it and become a mother at the end. Maybe I feel I'm too messed up and all the time in the world will never sort me out, maybe I'm doubting the wonders all claim psychiatric pills have.

*probably an Israeli brand name. The basic pill one takes when one has a headache etc.

For the past two or so weeks, I have been working hard on cleaning my house, and every once in a while I look with amazement - can't believe how it looks, not so long ago this area looked.... and now... And today was the climax - Michal came over (will just mention that she lives very far - almost 2 hours drive!) and helped me get my house into shape. I'm sitting here by the computer, every now and then swivelling the chair, just to look with awe at my place. Fun!

We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).

Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.

oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]

The Dead Sea

I was flicking through my pupil's book and saw this text about the Dead Sea. Looked interesting so I read it. Texts that are close to home do have an appeal. It was interesting to read about green bananas in Brazil and about the little girl who attempted to be the youngest to fly across America (unfortunately she didn't survive the journey) and many others. But when it comes to home front..
The problem is that when it's close to home you also know. I don't know if green bananas are actually used in rural Brazil as a temporary means of repair in cases of an over heated car radiator that leaks. I do know Israel and the Dead Sea, and one definitely does not cover themselves with black mud and jumps into the water {that really annoyed me. I'm skipping all the stupid unrealistic parts like only after arriving here does he go to a tourist agency to see what there's to see here. Hmm.. I know that if I were to visit the States, I for sure would want to see the Niagara Falls (and the Mississippi [maybe nothing special to see, haven't done my H.W, but you know, Mark Twain..]), the point is that before one goes one does know something and has some kinds of plans. And not wanting to visit Jerusalem [gulp] O.K I'll swallow my saliva on a tourist not wanting to visit Jerusalem, but because it's a city and he wants fresh air??? etc.}.

Anyway, it got me thinking of the Dead Sea. Not so long ago we [i.e my family and I]) took these tourists (2 brothers) down there, and while others were having fun floating in the water etc, I stayed on the beach. O.K, the trip itself was to Masada, and we stopped at the Dead Sea only on the way home, and it was after a long day and it was getting too cool. But the point is they were enjoying themselves and I... And I don't want to be a boring mother, one who life just passes by her. I would want my child and I to join the fun, to put on our swimming suits [and will sadly admit to not having one] and wade in the water.
And things that were going on between me and Michal, and the cleaning of my house (not there yet, but don't think it's been as good as this in, oh I don't know, too long to remember) and all got me thinking. Kind of feels like I've been dead all this time, and now I want to live. Want to live for my child, but also for myself. I can't see myself ever being a mother, but at the same time can't imagine myself not being one one day (hard to explain how these two opposites co-exist). I was always going on about how I'll clean for baby. Well it's not that I'm cleaning for myself now, but I'm starting to realize that that's what I should be doing.

I was asked if I am to proceed to IVF. Probably, don't know for sure yet, haven't seen the doctor. Actually more correct would be to say that I haven't even made an appointment to see one. Very strange feeling. I think it's the first time since I began this journey that I sat aside on my own accord. So yes, I am taking a little break from TTC. I am burning with desire for this baby/child but I probably need to see if I can get this living thing going first..

Not an October Baby..

Why is it that even though I know my period is due, and I'm just waiting for it to appear, why is it that the moment I put a tampon or a pad, then and only then do the cramps start???
Oh well, not this time then.