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Saturday, 7 March 2009

on births

My cousin (second cousin to be exact..) gave birth the other day. Funny thing - she shares the same first name as my sister (#6) who herself is due any day now, so when I told my mother: "You know S just gave birth...." quickly realizing I had to specify it's the other S, not S my sister. In that millisecond my mum... Well I'm sure my mum won't hear from me about my sister's birth (and she wasn't really supposed to hear from me about cousin but that's no biggie..).

Anyway I am putting off phoning to congratulate. I'm not talking about my cousin herself. I understand she had a difficult birth, and I would like to give her some time to recover, instead of bombing her with phone calls when she should be resting and getting used to the new situation. My cousin.. it wasn't an easy journey. She too went the donor sperm route (she's a lesbian) and had treatments for some time (IUIs & IVF) until she just couldn't do it anymore. She took a long break, came back, had an IVF cycle and voila.. [wanted to use here the phrase walla which not only is a Hebrew (yes, actually Arab) expression I'm not sure how to translate, but apparently has a complete different meaning in English, so I'll leave it with three dots]

I'm actually avoiding calling the mother. Yes, I'm happy for her and all, but really really don't want all the questioning - what's happening with you, etc. You see, when I first told sister #1 about wanting to have a child alone, her initial reaction was against it. She then talked about it with this aunt (R. She is sister #1's motherly figure..) who told her off :-) said she should support me etc. I myself don't talk much to this aunt (I am so not a communicative person), and last time, she was very supportive but also some what nagging and nosey. O.K, I think it's high time after I send this post to do the call!

I also discovered this weekend that sister #1 is going to be assisting sister #6 with her birth. Sister #6 is going to have a home birth (a real home birth that is, last time though it was called a home birth and wasn't done in a hospital, it was also not done at her own home), and besides the midwife and her dear husband, apparently also sister #1 will be there.
And I don't know how I feel about it. A mixture of feelings. First I am/was secretly counting on sister #1 being with me at my birth. Secretly since I think it is way to early to say anything out loud, besides, I feel it's a chutzpa to ask such a thing. So on one hand it's good to know that yes, I can ask her such a thing and more so besides the experience she already has with giving birth to her own children, she will, after aiding my sister, also have that additional experience of helping from the side. But on the other hand.. it feels so unfair! Again someone beat me to it (I'll add that a newly mother on my SMC board had the nerve to give her son my son's name! Yes, the name I intended for my own son*, which is not such a common name. And every time she writes about him and posts his pictures and writes his name [unfortunately unlike most who don't publish such details, she does], well that unfairness feeling comes again).
And then there's also the number of people who'll assist in the birth. The midwife, sister's husband and sister #1. I mean the first birth, besides the midwife there was just the husband. This is a second birth, so she probably knows better. And I'm thinking, oh dear, I can't count just on sister #1. I definitely don't want my mother. Sister #6 would be a great choice, but with 2 little ones that probably is not even a possibility. I don't want a doula. I know I have plenty plenty plenty time to think about it, but it just somehow scared me.

If I'm already posting, I have to add this funny story from last night. Well I have this 4 yrs old nephew and 1.7 old niece (yes, I do have more, but these two meet more often and it's about them, well actually her). The little girl (sister #6's daughter, yes the one who is due..) speaks (well more spoken to then speaks) English at home (it is a bit funny since her parents between themselves speak Hebrew [might I add that her husband is a South-African! and we do come from an English speaking background]). Well the little girl "speaks" mainly English, but when she comes up with something in Hebrew, we know it's from the day-care. So as she was riding the boy's toy, we told him he could play with her baby pram. A little pram that goes with her everywhere. Apparently a wrong call, since she burst into such a big cry, and then said: "lo marsha!" [(I) don't allow!]. That was soooo funny. The things they pick up at day care..

* to be clear, I'm not hoping for a boy (actually I would somewhat prefer a girl. A point I would rather wait to discuss if and when the time comes), it's just that she took my boy's name.


battynurse said...

I get what you mean by the whole name thing but just because someone from a board used the name doesn't mean you can't if you had a boy. Hang in there. There is so much emotion with all of this. Hugs to you.

Meg said...

I get the name thing too.

A former co-worker of mine just had a baby girl and used the name I have been planning on using. It won't keep me from using the name but it just rubbed me the wrong way because this woman appears to have a charmed life where everything falls in to place perfectly and right on time.

Michal said...

Perhaps the word you were looking for is the French Voila?

Any chance that you can offer your help too, in the home birth of sister #6? Would you want to?

Billy said...

Voila! I wonder if it's connected to the Arab walla..

She (sister #6) prefers not. [though I do admit I would love to. Nothing like watching a real birth (i.e not T.V or web), and more so of the kind you want for yourself to help prepare for when the day comes].

Michal said...

Pity. I'd think that even though she's in a sensitive state, she would still see your place and include you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is my first time responding to a blog...

I loved the name of the blog; the idea behind it (sharing with others personal experiences and feelings; was happy to learn of the frienships/sisterhoods that were established (although I already met in person Michal, so know she is special),but mostly was amazed, truly was amazed, from your openess and your way of really expressing your feelings [especially since I am an IRL person (I do not understand exactly what this means, but get the jest of it)] and know this is not easy for you!!
I have a lot to write (but I am not sure how much space I have..) so what is important for me to say is that I have never doubted you will make a terrific mother (as I see how you are with my children, especially the older one). Sure it will not be easy (but then parenthood in a couple also is not always the greatest...), and I hope we all, IRL's and virtual friends will be able to support.

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