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Wednesday, 4 March 2009


So tired.
Thought I'd write some kind of funny post like 5 reasons for becoming a mother, where I would say that at least when you have a little baby and you are so tired of sleepless nights and all, at least you have that bundle of joy next to you, even though at the moment she is probably screaming (God, all these expectations I have of this happiness, I hope if I ever do become a mother that I won't have PPD). More so that at least you have a good excuse. "I'm tired because I haven't slept much since my three week old....." sounds much better than I'm tired since the pills I'm taking have that bonus side effect [but can't think of anymore "reasons" to make such a list for that post, so I abandoned the idea..].
And yes, those pills are making me ever so tired. Not that I wasn't one of those who loved sleeping before (people might say that sleeping is a waste of time, that a 1/3 of our life is wasted on sleep. I couldn't disagree more!), but it is definitely worse now.

I've just had some kind of drink [containing apple and date's honey and nuts etc..] and was asked what kind of addition I would want with it. It's a health bar and the additions (strengthenings as they call them) are energy, dietetic, sportive etc. So of course I went for the energy. Can't hurt a girl who totally lacks energy to get some in her drink, can it? Well looking at what it contains I saw B12 and folic acid (don't remember the rest). Folic Acid. I've stopped taking that when I realized I have to stop TTC for now. I know I should continue taking it, I know it doesn't do any harm, that the longer I take it the better, but I really can't take it when I'm not even trying, when I find it hard to believe I ever will be pregnant. But seeing the folic acid as an energy provider.. so maybe that's just one more reason for my complete lack on energy and tiredness (though I have been taking it since August, so I should have enough in me...)

And I am not saying that before I was a canon load of energy. I was always less energetic than the average person. The psychiatrist asked me to do some blood tests (to see if it's anything physical), and as far as I can tell (he hasn't seen them yet), all the results are within the norm. But right now I am so tired and have completely no energy. I really believe that not TTC, not doing anything towards a baby, not being able to see that ever happen, is a big energy sucker. I also know I was totally drained emotionally by people who well, I used to say cared about me, though deep down I probably have a knowledge that they do, I completely don't feel it.

I really hope that by May the latest (the month of my birthday, plus when my therapist is due..) I'll be back on the wagon again. May, that is after all the tests and bureaucracy and whatever is needed if I'm to advance to IVF [not that pessimistic me can see it happening. May is ever so close :-( ]


QueenYogi said...

Hang in there Billy.

Billy said...

thanks :-)