Just came back from a lovely lovely Friday night meal with my family. When my father sent us all an e-mail asking to reintroduce the Friday nights meals and Kiddish we used to have as kids, those obligatory moments were we all fought with each other and the atmosphere was unpleasant and all, I thought yeah just let the evening pass. But I am so surprised how enjoyable it was. I mean I knew it wouldn't be like back those days but still didn't expect to have such a nice time. Funny how we all stood at our regular places around the table for the Kiddish (and funny as always how the kiddish wine has to zigzag across the table because there is an order by which it is drunk [by age, but first men and then women & children. No, not a tradition I like..] and of course we don't stand 'correctly'). I also didn't expect to have such a lovely time because it ain't lovely times for me.
Sister #1, as "her name" describes her, is the eldest. Though I am not close to her, don't chit-chat with her and don't phone to say hi (I don't exactly with the others, but more so don't with her), she has always been a figure I knew I could go to if/when I needed to, kind of a mother figure (my mother, well.. not exactly). She was first to hear of my plan to try to conceive using donor sperm, she knew when I started hormones. Somehow when we meet [not often] and she asks what is happening on the TTC front, I tell her. The rest usually get the "you'll know when I'm pregnant" or the likes. So when asked, I told her about the break (hey, and now I'm telling you guys :-)). Funny since she said I looked glamorous and even wondered if I was pregnant, especially funny considering how/what I was a day or two before. I told her that I'm to see a psychiatrist on Sunday, and probably start some kind of medication. She was very supportive and said I should first sort myself out. I understand that, I can even overcome my rejection to being medicated (hey, I don't even take Akamol*). I mean I doubt if it will be easy to admit to taking some kind of psychiatric pill, not something I think I would share with the world. But it's the break that comes with it that is the most difficult. I realize people around me [those from my "communa" and also sister #1] see it as a necessary break, as only postponing motherhood until when I am better. But I feel like it's not a matter of postponing, like if I don't do it now I will never become a mother. I just feel like I am mourning motherhood. Like O.K I'll go there do it, because I am really falling apart, but like I can't do it and become a mother at the end. Maybe I feel I'm too messed up and all the time in the world will never sort me out, maybe I'm doubting the wonders all claim psychiatric pills have.
*probably an Israeli brand name. The basic pill one takes when one has a headache etc.
Butterfly's Birthday
Friday, 20 February 2009
Saturday, 14 February 2009
For the past two or so weeks, I have been working hard on cleaning my house, and every once in a while I look with amazement - can't believe how it looks, not so long ago this area looked.... and now... And today was the climax - Michal came over (will just mention that she lives very far - almost 2 hours drive!) and helped me get my house into shape. I'm sitting here by the computer, every now and then swivelling the chair, just to look with awe at my place. Fun!
We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).
Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.
oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]
We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).
Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.
oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]
Sunday, 8 February 2009
The Dead Sea
I was flicking through my pupil's book and saw this text about the Dead Sea. Looked interesting so I read it. Texts that are close to home do have an appeal. It was interesting to read about green bananas in Brazil and about the little girl who attempted to be the youngest to fly across America (unfortunately she didn't survive the journey) and many others. But when it comes to home front..
The problem is that when it's close to home you also know. I don't know if green bananas are actually used in rural Brazil as a temporary means of repair in cases of an over heated car radiator that leaks. I do know Israel and the Dead Sea, and one definitely does not cover themselves with black mud and jumps into the water {that really annoyed me. I'm skipping all the stupid unrealistic parts like only after arriving here does he go to a tourist agency to see what there's to see here. Hmm.. I know that if I were to visit the States, I for sure would want to see the Niagara Falls (and the Mississippi [maybe nothing special to see, haven't done my H.W, but you know, Mark Twain..]), the point is that before one goes one does know something and has some kinds of plans. And not wanting to visit Jerusalem [gulp] O.K I'll swallow my saliva on a tourist not wanting to visit Jerusalem, but because it's a city and he wants fresh air??? etc.}.
Anyway, it got me thinking of the Dead Sea. Not so long ago we [i.e my family and I]) took these tourists (2 brothers) down there, and while others were having fun floating in the water etc, I stayed on the beach. O.K, the trip itself was to Masada, and we stopped at the Dead Sea only on the way home, and it was after a long day and it was getting too cool. But the point is they were enjoying themselves and I... And I don't want to be a boring mother, one who life just passes by her. I would want my child and I to join the fun, to put on our swimming suits [and will sadly admit to not having one] and wade in the water.
And things that were going on between me and Michal, and the cleaning of my house (not there yet, but don't think it's been as good as this in, oh I don't know, too long to remember) and all got me thinking. Kind of feels like I've been dead all this time, and now I want to live. Want to live for my child, but also for myself. I can't see myself ever being a mother, but at the same time can't imagine myself not being one one day (hard to explain how these two opposites co-exist). I was always going on about how I'll clean for baby. Well it's not that I'm cleaning for myself now, but I'm starting to realize that that's what I should be doing.
I was asked if I am to proceed to IVF. Probably, don't know for sure yet, haven't seen the doctor. Actually more correct would be to say that I haven't even made an appointment to see one. Very strange feeling. I think it's the first time since I began this journey that I sat aside on my own accord. So yes, I am taking a little break from TTC. I am burning with desire for this baby/child but I probably need to see if I can get this living thing going first..
The problem is that when it's close to home you also know. I don't know if green bananas are actually used in rural Brazil as a temporary means of repair in cases of an over heated car radiator that leaks. I do know Israel and the Dead Sea, and one definitely does not cover themselves with black mud and jumps into the water {that really annoyed me. I'm skipping all the stupid unrealistic parts like only after arriving here does he go to a tourist agency to see what there's to see here. Hmm.. I know that if I were to visit the States, I for sure would want to see the Niagara Falls (and the Mississippi [maybe nothing special to see, haven't done my H.W, but you know, Mark Twain..]), the point is that before one goes one does know something and has some kinds of plans. And not wanting to visit Jerusalem [gulp] O.K I'll swallow my saliva on a tourist not wanting to visit Jerusalem, but because it's a city and he wants fresh air??? etc.}.
Anyway, it got me thinking of the Dead Sea. Not so long ago we [i.e my family and I]) took these tourists (2 brothers) down there, and while others were having fun floating in the water etc, I stayed on the beach. O.K, the trip itself was to Masada, and we stopped at the Dead Sea only on the way home, and it was after a long day and it was getting too cool. But the point is they were enjoying themselves and I... And I don't want to be a boring mother, one who life just passes by her. I would want my child and I to join the fun, to put on our swimming suits [and will sadly admit to not having one] and wade in the water.
And things that were going on between me and Michal, and the cleaning of my house (not there yet, but don't think it's been as good as this in, oh I don't know, too long to remember) and all got me thinking. Kind of feels like I've been dead all this time, and now I want to live. Want to live for my child, but also for myself. I can't see myself ever being a mother, but at the same time can't imagine myself not being one one day (hard to explain how these two opposites co-exist). I was always going on about how I'll clean for baby. Well it's not that I'm cleaning for myself now, but I'm starting to realize that that's what I should be doing.
I was asked if I am to proceed to IVF. Probably, don't know for sure yet, haven't seen the doctor. Actually more correct would be to say that I haven't even made an appointment to see one. Very strange feeling. I think it's the first time since I began this journey that I sat aside on my own accord. So yes, I am taking a little break from TTC. I am burning with desire for this baby/child but I probably need to see if I can get this living thing going first..
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Not an October Baby..
Why is it that even though I know my period is due, and I'm just waiting for it to appear, why is it that the moment I put a tampon or a pad, then and only then do the cramps start???
Oh well, not this time then.
Oh well, not this time then.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Aspereger
Not so long ago I read this most fascinating book (Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes) about a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. I remember the feeling of identification with her social difficulties. So when it was bluntly hinted that I might be on the spectrum, I was thinking - maybe yes, maybe that's the source of my difficulties.
But.. assume I am. Then what? Does that mean I can't have kids!? Does that mean I take a magic pill and puff I'm O.K!? It was mentioned that I deserve to have a name for my problems. A tag?? Hell no. I have been tagged as different and unusual and strange all my life. I had my dad calling me retarded as a child and kids nicknaming me at school and all. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal in the last few years, I definitely do not want a new tag over my shoulders saying - different. And yes, attempting to be an SMC might, is, still not a path most people take, but a path to motherhood is still a path into normalcy.
Assuming still that I am, it was queried whether any woman who wants to be a mother can. I would have to answer with a "yes" and a "yes" and yet again a "yes"! O.K there are extreme cases when the answer most certainly should be a "no" like a teenager who fancies a baby because babies are cute tomorrow thinking that puppies are cute, or cases where there might be an ethical dilemma like a severely retarded woman. But other than that, if a woman wants a child, if a woman goes over the mountain and beyond in order to have that child, then yes, she deserves to have that child. More than that, her child definitely deserves to be born to a mother who wanted him* and craved for him and loves him.
But then again, I most probably am not on the spectrum (and "probably not" will suffice me with carrying on with my life as before. I really don't think I need to have any diagnoses done or whatever. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on things. In fact, it's the waiting between cycles that pulls me down. When no child can be seen in my future, when hope is too far in the distance, I sink, I lack motivation and will and strength to do anything [and yes, I know it should come from within but that does not mean I will be a terrible mother or that my child will suffer and we are working on that at therapy]). I have my difficulties and my issues, but I am not an Aspereger.
Just reading the link about this woman, and how she doesn't understand her kids, how when they cry she has no idea why so she technically goes through possibilities (i.e she first tries to feed then change the nappy, etc.). Not understanding young children couldn't be further than who I am. While I do have trouble communicating with adults, I most certainly do not have any problems when it comes to kids. I am known to bond easily with the young ones. And many times I feel I understand kids better than their own parents. To say that I will harm a child? To indicate that I won't understand their needs??
And yes, I am feeling strong now. I have cycled, done what I can and now I wait (hmmm... only 4 days have gone by!? This is going to be a very long TWW! MeAndBaby - How are you doing?). I am now motivated and am doing. I can proudly state that 2 cats are fixed (2 more to be fixed) and have started on my house. I am even proud of how I dealt with cats, how I overcame my shyness and embarrassment and asked someone to use their phone, and how I managed to go back and forth to the vet with a heavy cage both on Sunday (taking) and Monday (returning) in order to fix the cats. So yes, I know that I will be a good enough mother.
* him... her... whatever comes :-)
But.. assume I am. Then what? Does that mean I can't have kids!? Does that mean I take a magic pill and puff I'm O.K!? It was mentioned that I deserve to have a name for my problems. A tag?? Hell no. I have been tagged as different and unusual and strange all my life. I had my dad calling me retarded as a child and kids nicknaming me at school and all. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal in the last few years, I definitely do not want a new tag over my shoulders saying - different. And yes, attempting to be an SMC might, is, still not a path most people take, but a path to motherhood is still a path into normalcy.
Assuming still that I am, it was queried whether any woman who wants to be a mother can. I would have to answer with a "yes" and a "yes" and yet again a "yes"! O.K there are extreme cases when the answer most certainly should be a "no" like a teenager who fancies a baby because babies are cute tomorrow thinking that puppies are cute, or cases where there might be an ethical dilemma like a severely retarded woman. But other than that, if a woman wants a child, if a woman goes over the mountain and beyond in order to have that child, then yes, she deserves to have that child. More than that, her child definitely deserves to be born to a mother who wanted him* and craved for him and loves him.
But then again, I most probably am not on the spectrum (and "probably not" will suffice me with carrying on with my life as before. I really don't think I need to have any diagnoses done or whatever. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on things. In fact, it's the waiting between cycles that pulls me down. When no child can be seen in my future, when hope is too far in the distance, I sink, I lack motivation and will and strength to do anything [and yes, I know it should come from within but that does not mean I will be a terrible mother or that my child will suffer and we are working on that at therapy]). I have my difficulties and my issues, but I am not an Aspereger.
Just reading the link about this woman, and how she doesn't understand her kids, how when they cry she has no idea why so she technically goes through possibilities (i.e she first tries to feed then change the nappy, etc.). Not understanding young children couldn't be further than who I am. While I do have trouble communicating with adults, I most certainly do not have any problems when it comes to kids. I am known to bond easily with the young ones. And many times I feel I understand kids better than their own parents. To say that I will harm a child? To indicate that I won't understand their needs??
And yes, I am feeling strong now. I have cycled, done what I can and now I wait (hmmm... only 4 days have gone by!? This is going to be a very long TWW! MeAndBaby - How are you doing?). I am now motivated and am doing. I can proudly state that 2 cats are fixed (2 more to be fixed) and have started on my house. I am even proud of how I dealt with cats, how I overcame my shyness and embarrassment and asked someone to use their phone, and how I managed to go back and forth to the vet with a heavy cage both on Sunday (taking) and Monday (returning) in order to fix the cats. So yes, I know that I will be a good enough mother.
* him... her... whatever comes :-)
Friday, 23 January 2009
...and lighter
Thank you all you Lost & Founders for stopping by. I am much much better, but it still fills the heart to see so many who care enough to stop by.
Doctor was late (in fact, very late) for the insems this morning ( On a Friday they come to the clinic from the hospital. I gather he got caught up there, but he was at least 2 hours late), which meant I had to find someone to pick up Jupiter [I was sitting there anxious - will I make it on time? I really didn't want Jupiter spending the weekend there. I finally asked someone to borrow their phone to call my sister, but forgot her number (might I add - a very easy number!). Eventually I did call her and have that worry off of my chest] and well came home to late for work. Oh well.. (at least I did the grocery shopping).
While waiting at the clinic, I was even (God forbid) getting excited! I was last to be inseminated (probably because I bring the sperm and then go to have some breakfast, so I'm kind of last to come.. LOL, really doesn't bother me). Doctor comes in, with me already ready for him, with my feet wide open in his direction and asks (might I add while he was still standing): "How are you?". I mean it is nice that I am not a number (and since he was so late they had to quickly do one after the other) and that he shows interest, but please, no chit-chats when my privates are your view..
Anyway insem was O.K. I lay there afterwards closing my eyes, relaxing (but after about two minutes decided that's it and got up and dressed. Funny, I really don't believe in the necessity of laying still 20 min after insem. But hell I won't go to the toilet as long as I can, just in case sperms might slip out...).
Got up and dressed, and felt so l i g h t. I felt good and positive and happy, I even "Shabbat Shalom"ed the guard when leaving the building (and I'm not too good on greetings..). So yes, I am feeling positive now. Don't necessarily know if this cycle will work out or not, but that doesn't matter, because hey I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!
Doctor was late (in fact, very late) for the insems this morning ( On a Friday they come to the clinic from the hospital. I gather he got caught up there, but he was at least 2 hours late), which meant I had to find someone to pick up Jupiter [I was sitting there anxious - will I make it on time? I really didn't want Jupiter spending the weekend there. I finally asked someone to borrow their phone to call my sister, but forgot her number (might I add - a very easy number!). Eventually I did call her and have that worry off of my chest] and well came home to late for work. Oh well.. (at least I did the grocery shopping).
While waiting at the clinic, I was even (God forbid) getting excited! I was last to be inseminated (probably because I bring the sperm and then go to have some breakfast, so I'm kind of last to come.. LOL, really doesn't bother me). Doctor comes in, with me already ready for him, with my feet wide open in his direction and asks (might I add while he was still standing): "How are you?". I mean it is nice that I am not a number (and since he was so late they had to quickly do one after the other) and that he shows interest, but please, no chit-chats when my privates are your view..
Anyway insem was O.K. I lay there afterwards closing my eyes, relaxing (but after about two minutes decided that's it and got up and dressed. Funny, I really don't believe in the necessity of laying still 20 min after insem. But hell I won't go to the toilet as long as I can, just in case sperms might slip out...).
Got up and dressed, and felt so l i g h t. I felt good and positive and happy, I even "Shabbat Shalom"ed the guard when leaving the building (and I'm not too good on greetings..). So yes, I am feeling positive now. Don't necessarily know if this cycle will work out or not, but that doesn't matter, because hey I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER!
Thursday, 22 January 2009
On a lighter note (but heavier arms..)
I call Jupiter (my cat) a king, because that's what he is. He doesn't associate with the riff raff, rather comes and goes as he pleases. He loves being pet, but likes to play hard to get (well, if you insist on stoking by beautiful fur, I might just let you. Hmmm, would you mind stoking under my chin?). And he has a right to be a king. He's with me long before the others (he's 4.5 and I had him since he was 2 days old!) and is here for keeps. Anyway lately he's been snuggling up a lot, and even, lo and behold, spending the night here. I assumed it was because it's kind of winter (winter? could have fooled me.). But I had a feeling he might not be well, that he wasn't really eating (kind of hard to tell with all the cats), and then last weekend he looked at me in a way he doesn't, and well off to the vet.
Taking him there.. had to borrow a cage from the vet. Managed quite easily to get him in, even though he is not used to such things (he is such a good cat!) and headed to the vet. Did I mention that the vet is a 15 minute walk from my house? Well, hmmm, that would be without this heavy load on my hands (he's a big guy. Seems he weighs 6.7 KG - exactly a tenth of me.. not to mention the weight of the cage) which is very inconvenient to carry by handle. To make things easier, he really didn't like the idea of being caged, and was not going to sit peacefully while cars zoom by us and people, lots of people, and my sister's dog who liked the idea of a walk. Oh no, he twisted and turned in the little cage, tried as hard as he can to escape. Which eventually, yes, he succeeded. Luckily we were a few steps from the clinic. I put the cage down on a stone wall in order to rest my aching arms, and in doing so must have released a valve. I managed to catch him and carry him with one hand, holding the cage with the other. Really lucky it happened close by, because I don't think I would have been able to make it (my greatest fear is him running into the street and getting run over). Anyway, after looking at him, they send him home with me and told me to bring him in the next day (he needed an operation). Ooh so now we had to do this journey not only one more time, but two more the next day! And... well while I was at there, I tried asking if they know of anyhow to get rid of cats. Kind of told me that all organizations are full and won't accept cats, and that it's my "fault" for feeding stray cats. So I ended up booking the 3 females to be fixed (they had a 3 for the price of 2 deal). At least let me not have any more new cats. I'm to bring them on Sunday and Tuesday. I figured I would do 2 on Sun and 1 on Tues as I am more pressured for time on Tue. And I am thinking, yea another 6 more trips with a heavy and very uncomfortable bundle (those cages were sure not made to carry cats!), but maybe somewhat easier since Jupiter is indeed the biggest (he is the king!).
So this evening I went to collect J. He still hasn't completely woken up and they prefer if he stays the night. Which means... early morning go have my IUI, come and pick him up and then go off to work, all in kind of a tight schedule. Oh and I need to do some grocery shopping for the weekend, which being a half-day, can't be done after work but has to somehow fit in in between.
And the good news is that they want me to bring him in for a check-in on Sun. Hmm, so: 1*2 on Tue + 1*1 on Wed + 0*0 on Thurs (phew) + 1*1 on Fri + (3*2)+1 on Sun + 1*2 on Tues = very heavy arms!
Taking him there.. had to borrow a cage from the vet. Managed quite easily to get him in, even though he is not used to such things (he is such a good cat!) and headed to the vet. Did I mention that the vet is a 15 minute walk from my house? Well, hmmm, that would be without this heavy load on my hands (he's a big guy. Seems he weighs 6.7 KG - exactly a tenth of me.. not to mention the weight of the cage) which is very inconvenient to carry by handle. To make things easier, he really didn't like the idea of being caged, and was not going to sit peacefully while cars zoom by us and people, lots of people, and my sister's dog who liked the idea of a walk. Oh no, he twisted and turned in the little cage, tried as hard as he can to escape. Which eventually, yes, he succeeded. Luckily we were a few steps from the clinic. I put the cage down on a stone wall in order to rest my aching arms, and in doing so must have released a valve. I managed to catch him and carry him with one hand, holding the cage with the other. Really lucky it happened close by, because I don't think I would have been able to make it (my greatest fear is him running into the street and getting run over). Anyway, after looking at him, they send him home with me and told me to bring him in the next day (he needed an operation). Ooh so now we had to do this journey not only one more time, but two more the next day! And... well while I was at there, I tried asking if they know of anyhow to get rid of cats. Kind of told me that all organizations are full and won't accept cats, and that it's my "fault" for feeding stray cats. So I ended up booking the 3 females to be fixed (they had a 3 for the price of 2 deal). At least let me not have any more new cats. I'm to bring them on Sunday and Tuesday. I figured I would do 2 on Sun and 1 on Tues as I am more pressured for time on Tue. And I am thinking, yea another 6 more trips with a heavy and very uncomfortable bundle (those cages were sure not made to carry cats!), but maybe somewhat easier since Jupiter is indeed the biggest (he is the king!).
So this evening I went to collect J. He still hasn't completely woken up and they prefer if he stays the night. Which means... early morning go have my IUI, come and pick him up and then go off to work, all in kind of a tight schedule. Oh and I need to do some grocery shopping for the weekend, which being a half-day, can't be done after work but has to somehow fit in in between.
And the good news is that they want me to bring him in for a check-in on Sun. Hmm, so: 1*2 on Tue + 1*1 on Wed + 0*0 on Thurs (phew) + 1*1 on Fri + (3*2)+1 on Sun + 1*2 on Tues = very heavy arms!
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