Semester Break

well that's a joke, at least here - an Australian fellow student told me how at home they have a date until when all test and papers are due, and then after that they have two weeks of nothing - a real break! Well here they scatter the papers and the tests all over the so called break. I have two big papers to hand in in the next few days (which is obviously why I am writing this post! procastonator!) plus some small ones. This would be about the middle of the break. Then I have two more big papers (and another small, don't think should be any problem one) to be handed in at the end of the break. And then there's the homework. Don't I just love it how they say that since you are on break and have nothing to do we'll give you homework...
The funny thing - here it is called - semester's vacation! yes, right!! (btw likewise maternity leave is called in Hebrew a birth vacation. somebody wasn't looking up the right word in the dictionary when they were deciding on the names!)
Plus a friend offered me a job translating. I do need the money plus it should be good experience  so of course I happily said yes. But it won't be easy..
And I've seen the doctor today and am about to start cycling :-) [I am on CD4, I start on CD21] - nothing more to boost moral than to start a new cycle. Oh, and how do you know this is not your first or even second time? When (after seeing the doctor) the nurse is looking for a room in which she can sit with you (her room was occupied), and when you go into the vacant room you realize that she won't be able to give you the packet of syringes.....
I wanted to do a natural cycle as I don't produce a lot of eggs, so better just go natural. He said my response is not bad at all, so he recommended a medicated one. Don't know how or what I'll do if this cycle doesn't work, but for now I'm trying his new protocol.

p.s

Little One - I'm so sorry I don't have time right now to read blogs, but scanning through my reader I saw you had a birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

daddy

My father the other day with my daughter. You know how one asks a child if this is for x? no. for y? no. is it for child? yes! Well he was asking her about the swing and started with daddy. He immediately said oops, we mustn't say that word. Why??? Is she supposed to grow with the secret of not knowing there is such a thing as a father, in fact that most people have one? She also doesn't have a sister. I doubt if he considers the word "sister" a taboo regarding my daughter. There is no shame in how my daughter came to be, and there is no shame in her not having a father, a daddy.

Then last night [very weird as I was having two parallel conversations on FB] this guy I knew from about 20 years ago wanted to tell me he's getting divorced and on the way asked if my daughter has contact with her father, if he sees her. He didn't know otherwise because beyond a short hello and I have a daughter when we became friends, nothing much was said, and I don't post about my SMC status on my wall (not because I'm hiding it but because it has no interest*). So anyway he asks and I say that she does not have a father and that she is from a sperm donation. To which he replied that that's sad, and that a child should have a father figure. Why is it sad? She would not have been living if I had not conceived her the way I did (any other way or time then it would have been another child, another soul..). There is a void but it is completely mine! I'm the one who knows what a father is so can feel sad (or whatever) about not having one. My daughter? She doesn't know anything else!
[I will mention it was especially annoying because between the lines of his tale I could understand he cheated on his wife. So who are you to critique others?]

Moving on to my daughter herself. Two songs she very much likes. One she doesn't specifically ask for, but if she sees the image for it on youtube, she will ask for it. It is of fingers in the hand, each being a family member (don't know the name if the song, but is goes - daddy finger, daddy finger where are you.  here I am, here I am how do you do. etc with other family members). The other one - a lullaby about how a father went to work and will come back when the moon rises and will bring the child a present - she loves it and asks for it a lot. And I can't help but wonder if this is her way of dealing with the daddy issue? [I do talk to her and she does know she doesn't have a daddy]. Or maybe no meaning, she just happens to like those songs?


* same as I'm not talking about the elections we just had. No interest to my blog. That does not mean I didn't vote (I did!) or that I don't have political views..

Homeschooling. That is how I want to bring up my daughter. I read and learnt a lot about the subject and I am still very much trying to figure out my way in the big umbrella called "homeschooling" (and yes, dear spell check, there is such a thing!), because there are many different approaches (I do lean towards unschooling but I don't think I'm quite an unschooler). How will the learning to read and write go? Do I teach her letters? Do I let her discover all by herself? etc. things that I am constantly thinking about.

And then, the fact that this is how I want to bring up my daughter, does not mean that I have to justify it to anyone or to explain my reasons. That does not mean I don't have my reasons, more probably in the zone of I am not good at orally and under pressure saying why and/or why it is good for my daughter.
So my mother a week or two ago said something about feeling sorry for my daughter because I do not allow to teach her. And today my brother in law. He started with the issue EVERYONE brings up when talking about homeschooling - the child's social life. So I should send my child to school, against all my beliefs etc, for the only reason of having a social life?! Because only a school can offer a child a social life?! Yes, take 40 (or 30 or whatever the number is today) kids and shove them into a classroom and they will all have a happy social life! (please ignore all those stories about kids being bullied in schools). I myself was 12 years in the school system (not counting kindergarten..) and I had a rotten social life. So no, social life is not a (good enough) reason [in my eyes, of course] to send a child to school, and school is not a guarantee for having a social life! And yes, there are other ways to be social (like homeschooling groups).
Then he went on to the fact that I should explore my other options. Two problems with that: a. I do know quite a lot about my other options and what kind of school I would have liked my daughter to go to if I had sent her  (and if I had money, it is so expensive!). I might have not weighed them enough or given them that extra thought, but that's because - b. I WANT TO HOMESCHOOL MY CHILD.
And all along this conversation, I am telling him that I do not want to defend myself and what I intend for my child's education, and he goes on and on, saying something about not being able to explain to me ...... Excuse me! You can't explain it to me?? Like you have all the answers and you know the only way it should be done?! Because let me tell you, even in the school system there are many approaches, many different ways.Take for example parents who teach their kids to read from as early as possible, a two year old who can recognize a few words, versus the Waldorf approach who don't allow to teach any letters to kids, let alone reading, till when they are 7 yrs old.
And that brings us vaguely to benchmarks and testing. He wanted to know how do I know that she will be doing what she is supposed to do, schoolwise, in her age. But I don't want to copy school at home! (btw, there are homeschoolers who do, but not me). I don't want to test her or to be worried she should do X at a certain age [I am all against testing which I believe is much more for the teacher's sake than for the pupil, but I didn't want to get into that with him - that's why I said at the top: vaguely.. because I don't believe there is an age where you should do this or that [I don't want to get into unschooling too much here as this is not the purpose of this post. I do hope one day to have tabs, one of which will be for homeschooling etc.].
He had a hard time with that. And the the idea that I think I can teach my own child.... I have enough knowledge and intelligence and resources (the internet! what a great age we live in!) to "teach" her* throughout elementary (which here is until, including, 6th grade) and probably most of junior high (grades 7,8,9). But then I put the word teach in quote marks as I more vision us learning together (at least in the more advanced years).
What more did we have? Oh, that if 90% of the people send their kids to school then they must all be right. Oh my, I am the last person to do things because everyone does!!!
[on a side note I will add that I am tired of fighting, so if do get lucky and have another child, and if that child will be a boy, I will cir.cum.cise him. Not because I think he should be or that it's good for him etc. but because I can't be fighting my kids all my life. and by the way, knowing that (and a girl's name in case I have a second daughter. I now have names for a boy, a girl and a third name that can be either in case I have twins of the same sex, lol) was what let me start ttc again.]
But back to the 90% I am very unconventional. Not to mention the fact that most people send their kids to school out of convenience, because that is how it is done, and not because they gave it any special thought
So yes, I do want to homeschool my child. No, I don't have to explain to you, that does not mean I haven't  thought about it or that my child will suffer. Yes, there are pluses and minuses as there are in any other decision. And no, I am not selfish, thinking on;y about myself, ignoring my child's needs just because I intend to do it differently from you.
Rant ended.



* on a parenting forum when a question of homeschooling was brought up once, someone was quite insulted that homeschoolers think they know enough to teach the kids when teachers go and learn such and such years to become teachers. But the thing is, being a teacher in a classroom is much more than just teaching children! And I don't think homeschoolers think any bad of teachers, more of the school system. I am writing this side note because a. there are (some?) teachers who read this blog. And I want you to know that just because this is what I want to do, doesn't mean I think any less of you! (on the contrary  being a teacher in the class room is very hard work!!) and b. That discussion was some time ago but I remember being completely shocked at that remark, at that thought, I thought I might need to say something here...
P.S I did go to teacher's college...

I know this post is long already but can I talk a little about Butterfly? She is now so cuddly and gives kisses (she never really was the type). I just love it! [though she does a really rough Eskimo kiss, I have to take of my glasses, lol]. And then on the last few Mondays, what a warm reception I got from her!! [will add that on those Mondays my mum helped out so I came home to a girl who was waiting for me (usually the nanny brings her back when I come home or I pick her up at the nanny's) which probably was what made the difference, but still, it was nice!]
And speaking - while she is still probably very much behind on her speech, she is so much speaking and advancing! Not sure if I mentioned here but we have prepositions! (I was so waiting for them!!).
And sometimes we have funny things. like "I want" which would mean she wants something, and "I want" which would mean she DOES NOT want something (didn't you hear the little whine in the second one?? and yes, I am not always sure of it myself..). 
Though I will add that apparently she is not so much clear to other people as they seem to not understand her so much (what, you didn't understand that??). But then she is only starting to open up and talk to others.
And she amazes me with things she seems to know, like today she said that bees make honey. I really do not remember talking to her about that, nor does my mother (and as it was in English it must have been one of us), so from where does she know that?? She really is a great kid and I am so happy and so grateful to be her mother. 
And have to add from this morning (wrote last night but didn't get around to publishing..). The other day I bought some tehina cookies. My mother mentioned she'd like one so we gave her. This morning, early [my mother is NOT an early bird.. oh, and we live in a living unit in her house so we see her daily] my girl takes a cookie saying that Savta (grandmother) wants. When I tried explaining that it was too early, she was in tears! "But savta wants!". It was so hard not to laugh.



Writing this, my heart is out there for MN who had another miscarriage. That is just so unfair of the universe. So unfair. 

Saturday:

"I am not pregnant"

"no symptoms, ha.. but wait, don't forget the embryo was a late bloomer, so let's give it a few more days.."

Sunday:

"not pregnant"

"not pregnant"

"not pregnant"

oh wait, the boobs that are really big and really hurt? could that be more than just the progesterone supplements? maybe??

and then at night, feeling that feeling in my boobs, the one I KNOW means something is happeing..

"I am pregnant"

"I am pregnant!"

Monday:

Sitting at lessons with a smile on my face, feeling an incy tincy feeling in my boob, waiting for the evening for when I will surely get that feeling of a body preparing to carry a baby. As the day proceeds, I start to understand that no, this is not going to happen. Not this time. It was probably a chemical pregnancy (I do believe I was feeling more than just the prog I am taking. In fact I am writing this post for future reference for myself) but now I am most certainly convinced

I am not pregnant!

I now very bad at taking those supplements because when I know, I know.

I am supposed to test on Monday (impossible as I study that day). I think I will skip the Beta and just wait for my period. IF I don't get my period by the end of next week, perhaps I'll go in for a Beta.

Unfortunately next cycle won't be for a few more months as I am now very hard financially.



EDT: Sat morning, got my period. which is a yay since I prefer getting it on the weekend and not when I'm studying a full long day or when we are invited to a birthday party... also I'm glad I "officially" know it's over.

quick update

Sorry I wasn't here lately, and so sorry I've again fallen behind on reading blogs. I actually usually even if I don't have time to really read posts at least have a quick glance at them in the reader so I am more or less up to date. This week, not even thato

Anyway, to update you.. After telling me that no embryo developed (how awful was that! to do a cycle and then to have nothing to transfer), the next day there was a late bloomer, so I had the the transfer the next day where I was told there is even another embryo (but it is too small, I don't have hope for that one). I did transfer both yesterday (the small one, in my eyes probably has a better chance to grow in me than to be frozen and then thawed plus I heard once that embryos that don't survive can "feed" the one that does survive).

And now the tww with the analyzing of every twinge... Please think sticky thoughts!

Post title?

• Last night I scolded my daughter (for playing with a candle and breaking it, if you must..) and her head went down and oh my. That is not how I want to parent! I don't punish her but I do occasionally shout at her and I hate myself for that but then I shout at her again :-(. I do believe in positive parenting, one that has no punishments and no shouting or threats (I am guilty of that too and I don't like that either [though I will say that when I do that, it is more of an immediate consequence than something in the future, but I would still rather if I didn't]. And I do believe it is something that can be done and is not too hard once you get the hang of it. My problems are: a. getting over my hot temper; b. getting over what I know as a child (being shouted at..)). And tonight with her head going down.... (and for a broken candle!!??) I do hope that was the last time!
• The other day Butterfly wanted me to read to her from these teaching English books. As they are for young learners, they have pictures, so we look at the pictures. Then we came across a grid of letters for a word search. Her mind must have been working trying to figure out what it was, because she then told me - keyboard(!) Now while you and I know it is far from being a keyboard, it does somewhat resemble it with letters arranged in rows. And I was (and am :-)) amazed because I do not teach her letters (not even sing to her the ABC song. I think she has very limited years of being a little child unaware of letters and words and a whole lifetime for reading and learning and all later on), so the fact that she recognizes that like a keyboard these are letters was a wow for me.
• I probably should update that I am cycling, but nothing much interesting to say. I take two injections every night. One stings. C'est tout.
  Okay I am actually stressed about the retrieval when I am going to be under anesthesia and who will watch over Butterfly. I just hope it does fall on a day I study [unlike my last cycle, lol] so I know she's okay with the nanny.
• Last but not least, I can't believe I have won a giveaway!! It is a book about parenting babies, and from what I have read it sounds like a great book! (she just sent it the other day so I haven't yet got it).[isn't this a sign this cycle MUST work? :-)]
• 
  

EDT: arranging my documents for tomorrow's monitoring, I look at the referral and it looks like something is missing but I'm not sure what. Comparing to an older referral I still have (thank god!) I notice that besides the lack of date, the PERSONAL DETAIL part is missing!! i.e the nurse forgot to put on the sticker with my name etc. I just hope hope hope they accept one or the other because I have not been injecting myself every night to now have to sit out!!!

I didn't really know her.... and more

• I didn't really know her. I was away for the first lesson (business of T42..) so I only got to see her on our second lesson. It was a Wednesday. At first (as in the break, before the lesson began) a young guy came and started to arrange his things, and I thought how nice that a guy and young :-). Then the lesson began and she was brought in on a wheel chair with oxegen tubes (or what it's called) in her nose and it seems that they teach this course together. And compared to other theoretical lessons , it was nice! She was there slowing him down, directing him, because obviously she had quite a lot of experiences teaching while he not at all or not so much. The next Wednesday she didn't come, and oohh he is a nice and brilliant guy, but he doesn't so much know to teach. I went out of his lesson asking myself, what on earth was his point, what was he trying to say.. but my point is that while she didn't come, I heard she asked about us, about how he lesson went (and let me remind you this was just the third lesson, it's not like she knew us already and cared for us and all). She passed away sometime in that weekend. Obviously they began this course together because it was known that her days are numbered, but I am in complete owe of this woman. To come to teach like nothing when you are terminally ill. Besides being really saddened by her death, I am sorry I didn't get to know her more.

• Studying. It's nice that we are more or less a small group (more or less because some students go to this course and/or will do that course next year/have done it,. etc), but it's not easy, mainly because there is all the time a lot of homework, and gosh, when can I do it??? I barely have time - Mon & Wed, the days that I learn, I am too exhausted at the end of the day. Sun & Tues I do some, but I also work and also have to take care of Butterfly when I'm not working, so it's very limited and mainly at night. Thurs morning is dedicated for B (and later I work). Which leaves me Fri & Sat to do my homework. Two whole days, that should be enough, no? Oh, have I neglected to mention having a toddler on board? And my status as single mum? So I do manage to get something in the weekend, but hardly enough.. And this teacher wants us to listen to Obama's victory speech and prepare ourselves to interpret it (it is actually great how he speaks slowly!!) and oh my! I managed to listen to it today, that is half way through I had to pour daughter some soup and then clean up the bowl that tipped over and... And I am not keen on listening to anything once she is sleeping. Oh well, will have to find a way round that.

• Had a doctors appointment. I am waiting for CD1 to begin ( I am now almost midway). I am to start injecting a suppression from day ! (last cycle it was by the nose and from day 21 of previous cycle and obviously a different med, so hope this does a better job..). Another thing that we are doing different is we are going to try and do a hatching - when they make a small hole in the embryo to help it. I am not so liking it, but if that's what brings me baby#2 then I'll be fine with it. If this cycle doesn't work, I might need to take a month or two off [money issues. I dare not complain because I know I am so much better off in that sense than many of you. But right now, with the studying and not being able to work 2 days, I am very tight. I have to pay my clinic a co-pay (which is annoying as I didn't have to pay at all three years ago when I had B) and if this cycle doesn't work I'll need to buy a new vial, and they have so upped their prices. URG.]

• Bombs, shells etc (you know, your regular item when doing a bullet post....). Okay, sorry about that [though pan was NOT intended], I will first preface and say that while I'm probably not too far from where (some of) the missiles fall, I have been lucky to not have the siren go where I live [though my mother said she heard today the bang of a missile being redirected]. And I really rather not go into politics and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, not that I myself am too sure of how or why as I do not listen to news.. But I will just say, that it is scary. It's not the first time I have been in such a situation - about 20 years ago, in the gulf war, when Iraq was throwing missiles at us... the big difference is that then I was a twenty year old with no one dependent on me. Now? I have this little girl to care for, and I admit that I am somewhat scared (but then again so thankful that so far we are not in their aim).

• Back to my studies (can't leave the post at that.. anyway this post is probably not long enough!! lol sorry if my posts are too long, they tend to be). I have to give a small talk on a subject of my choice but I need to have ten terms to translate. My first thought was IVF (plenty of terms there, and oh, it should be something close to me so I can talk about it and not read from my papers). But then, not too sure I want to share that [obviously I wouldn't be talking specifically about myself, but enough that that's my subject and I'm exposing the fact that I'm doing IVF]. So I thought of maybe talking about natural parenting (bedsharing, extended breastfeeding, etc). Problem #1 is that I can barely scrape 10 terms. #2 is that most of the terms either do not have a translation and we just say it in English in Hebrew or they are too obvious. The point of the exercise is for the class to practice interpreting (with the ten terms that they get in advance) but also to expand people's terms in all sorts of different subjects. Have to think about that, and maybe I'll ask the teacher..

P.S
Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs & Sat are okay by speller but Fri not??