At my last meeting with my psychologist, when she heard that I am to start injecting hormones, she tried to direct the conversion on worries and fears one might have from injecting oneself. She started saying that since I've never injected myself......... And to my mind came the sad incidence in which I injected a cow. It was while I was in a kibbutz, as part of my army service. I worked in the cow shed and was supposed to learn how to treat cows medically. Except that the one who was supposed to guide me, didn't do so (he was probably fear for his position which was really stupid since I wasn't there to stay!). Anyway, when the boss found out that I wasn't taught anything, he scolded the guy. The next thing the guy handed me a needle and told me to inject a cow. I was barely 20 years old, knew nothing about needles and angles of injection, so I stuck the needle in at 90 degrees. The cow cried, oh did she cry :-(. Next milking I got kicked in the hand by a cow. I truly believe it was her revenging.
Returning to having to inject myself - well no, I am not afraid of that. More so as it is a pen, which surely is easier and much more friendly than inserting a needle. And I know a bit about these injections. Actually even before I even thought I'll be going up a step, I knew - by reading about it on the net (blogs, forums, etc.)and by watching short guide films. Yes, I know it's not the same as doing it yourself, but still there is some background knowledge.
And I have to digress one more time (again to when I was a soldier). We were supposed to get some kind of vaccination, and when Rafi started running away from the medical stuff, I joined him in the game. Yes it was a game for me (for him too!), enjoying the role play. But as the game proceeded, I did start becoming fearful of the needle..
But I am scared of the side effects. I think I'm lately too cranky and nervous towards my mum. So what will I become once I start doing hormones? And how will I go through the two week wait? Towards the end, I usually turn crazy, so now with the extra hormones?? Add to that the fact that I will probably be more certain of success, and what if I fail?
And I am fear of the lack of knowledge I have as to what I am supposed to expect (i.e follicles - how many, how large etc). I tried searching information, but didn't really find anything. I guess because it's individual. I know I am just beginning with hormones and that the doctor prescribed me with a low dose, so maybe I shouldn't expect anything? (sorry, can't do that..).
And I fear of the nurse seeing my belly when guiding me how to inject. I am very much ashamed of my big fat belly, don't really want foreign eyes looking at it. Feels like a girl has no more privacy. First my private lower parts are exposed and exposed and exposed. Now my belly. Next my boobs (oh, that is another reason to fear birth, at least the way I want it - natural. I know that with all the pain going on, the last thing you think of is who sees what, but from here that's kind of scary..).