Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Surprised by my mother..

My mother has just surprised me. I already mentioned how I don't like to share, how I don't want to tell people and especially my mum when I do the inseminations because I don't want to be asked every other day - well?? do you have a result? are you pregnant already? etc.
In my last insemination I was trying to get out of the cube* of not sharing, so I asked sister #5 to come with me. Although I would have preferred her not to tell anyone, I also didn't want to ask her. It is worse when things become a secret. Unfortunately that day was the day we dealt with sister #6's problem (the discovery of how bad was the state of her malnutritioned one year old daughter who refuses eating anything but breast milk [we didn't know how serious it was till then. It is now under care.] together with her being very freshly pregnant). So telephones were going on all day between family members about what to do with sister #6 and if she should abort etc, and yes, sister #5 did mention being with me in the fertility clinic..
So people knew about my insemination, among them my mother. Of all people, it's my mum I dread most of knowing details of my inseminations since she can really bug with questions. Anyway, when she saw me she asked when will I know and added if in five weeks time. Well... hmmmmm.... yes, in five weeks I will know the outcomes. Obviously even earlier, but if she thinks five weeks, then let it be.
Well, other than that conversation, I haven't talked to her at all about it. But suddenly today she asked me when will my next treatment be. That took me completely by surprise. How did she know?? How do mothers know these things? Was I terribly grumpy and miserable?? I know that I wasn't the best on Saturday when we celebrated my niece's one year old birthday. Yes the daughter of sister #6 who wasn't really trying to conceive (not such an easy mission with the little one sleeping with her parents in the bed) but who wanted another child in the nearby future so weren't using protection. It was the first time I saw her since the news of her pregnancy came out, and it definitely wasn't easy. So did my mother pick up on that??

P.S
I was also very impressed with how she didn't bug me with any questions. She just let me be.


*Probably no such phrase in English... well, I'm sure you get what I mean..

Sunday, 27 July 2008

A bit annoyed. Mainly at myself. Starting to gain some understanding, and looking at the figures (lining; follicle; progesterone; E2 [unfortunately this clinic does not check LH levels] I realize that I might have been doing the inseminations a tee bit early, or at least I should have come again two days later to check the figures again and perhaps do another insemination.
When I first started and told the main nurse I would also like to know the blood test results, her reply was - why? and implied that those figures are not for laymen people like me. They know their stuff and will do the insemination at the right time. All I have to do is trust them that I am in the best of hands. Well it is a very good fertility clinic with the top doctors working there (except that it's the head nurse who makes the call as to when to inseminate), but as I answered her, I still want to know by myself how my body works. Unfortunately they do not post results on the web or volunteer it when phoning, and usually I forget to ask. So I try and ask them to photocopy my follow up sheet. Recently I got the last two (the first I got a while back), and am quite annoyed by the numbers. Feels a lot like my first driving test where I really drove great, except I passed through a green flikering light [probably my fault, but I was very much suprised to learn that not all green is green...]. Later on, on other driving tests I had, I drove terribly, but that first test, like my first and third inseminations (on the second one the numbers were all terrible, even the numbers related to the sperm), these were very close calls. If only I stopped at those lights, if only I came again two days later for another insemination.
Well anyway I am gaining knowledge. On numbers related to what the clinic checks, as on BBT (i.e my morning tempreture), CM (my cervial fluids) etc. I'm happy I now know a bit more and will have more to say as to when to have the inseminations.

Friday, 25 July 2008

Home Pregnancy Test

Towards the end of the last cycle, when I was on that horrific roller coaster, I was trying to figure how best to act - if I go in and have a Beta test, I might get a phone call saying that I'm not pregnant.I do not want a human voice telling me that. On the other hand I could wait just a few more days. Wait until it's beyond reasonably late (and so must be pregnant) [or until I get my period] and only then go and do the Beta. The problem with the first way was that I would be risking a human no. The problem with the second was that for the meantime I wasn't release from this roller coaster, thinking for one minuter that I am, I must be, and the next that I'm not. Slowly the idea of a home pregnancy test crept into me. When I began the process, I said that I won't use them, and I was determined to make do without. But.... maybe I should??
Well, I think it can go without saying that I never bought a HPT before. And was quite embarrassed to do so. Yes, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, and yes I get embarrassed much too easy.. But I decided to put my fears and negative emotions aside, and go and buy myself a HPT. Funny thing, I don't know why, but I imagined it comes in a big box. And I was worried, since as it was quite a spontaneous decision to go and buy it, I thought of doing so just before these pupils I tutor in their home. And what if it won't fit into my bag?? Must be quite stupid imagining it as something that requires a big box, since it is "only" a stick, but hey, that's fear and imagination for you (both of which I have plenty..).

Anyway, of course I had no idea where and what to look for at the pharmacy, so had to ask the pharmacist behind the counter. "Over there, next to the condoms" she said out loud. And nope, never bought condoms before. Well I found them, but now comes the question - how do I choose? What am I looking for in a HPT? I ended up buying one that contained two tests (and a good think I did so!).

I know from first hand how it is when as a teacher you explain to your pupils their mission. You go over it again and again, making sure they understand what they have to do, but somehow there is always that pupil who after all your explanations will do the wrong thing. Well the other day I was that pupil.. I read the instructions carefully, but was so focused on the mustn't pass the arrow, that I failed to remember that I only need to hold it for 10 seconds (and I cut the paper cup so to be able to leave the stick in there without holding it. I ended up peeping on my hand as well as the cup, since it was too small a-n-d having to hold the stick since it was still too deep...). So I did the above and waited, not sure if I'm doing it right, if it's not too deep, or maybe not deep enough when suddenly the screen looked like it got damped by moist (i.e my pee). Oh no, I probably messed it up, I thought and quickly took stick number two and repeated the process. Only then did I see a result appearing on the first stick..

My adventures with a HPT :-)
All in all, I think I like the idea of getting a first answer between me and myself, and only if it's positive go and have that Beta. I think I will use them, but I will go and buy them only if and when I am considerably late so as not to be tempted to use them when a negative answer is the most likelihood answer regardless of whether I am or not pregnant.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

My thought of the day

I want very much to tidy up my house which is in a terrible state, but can't seem to do so. Here and there I manage to do something, but since the task is never completed, it often deteriorates. A couple of weeks ago sister #6 came over to help me with the cleaning. We worked for some hours, then I, with my low energy levels said thank-you but that's it for today, and that was that. My problem is that unless my house is absolutely clean and tidy, I will keep deteriorating into my usual CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) state.
I wanted so much to start my journey into motherhood with a nice, clean, baby friendly house, but as much as I tried - never managed to get it done. So I started, saying to myself, that - oh well, once I'm pregnant I'll have nine months to take care of that, and surly I will not allow myself to bring a baby home to this! I am so low on energy that I just keep postponing doing anything about it.
But today it occurred to me that maybe I am going the wrong way. Maybe I am not letting myself be in a baby inviting environment. Maybe the reason I have such a hard time believing that one day I will be a mummy is because I can't see it in my day to day life. I'm not talking about painting walls with baby themes or having baby equipment or any of the sort, just not living in a terrible mess. Maybe instead of waiting for baby to come (or at least be on it's way) to start working seriously on my house, I should now make sure it's baby friendly, hoping it will give me a more positive state of mind and thus a higher chance of conceiving!
Just my little thought of the day..

Still hoping..

Still hoping that tomorrow my temperature will be back at high figures again. Although my temperature did go well down yesterday, and was even a tee bit lower today.

Still hoping that the negative result I got in the home pregnancy test was a false negative. Although I did wait to do it (I do think that false negatives are mainly caused by taking the test too early).

Still hoping to feel again that little ache in the breasts. When one is pregnant, it probably hurts and is very uncomfortable, but for me it was such a sweet pain.. Faded and gone.

Still hoping that the little brown spotting I saw over an hour ago (and since then nothing) wasn't really my period. My period.. well, yes it is quite strange, but I think I've learnt my lesson from the previous one. Maybe I am much more aware, and manage to "catch" it very ealry. Maybe it's the prenatal tablets and/or the yeasts flakes I take that cause it.

Strange how I still keep a little flame of hope in me, even when I know better.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

negative


Such a roller coaster. These last days of these two weeks wait - how terrible! (and there would still be those two weeks even if I do two inseminations).

For almost two weeks I managed to maintain the "knowledge" that it wasn't a successful one, and oh well, hopefully next time.. But then I see that my temperatures are still running quite high, so maybe I am pregnant. And then there's a drop (19.6.08) so maybe I'm not. But then again I realize that that night I was r-e-a-l-l-y tired and went to sleep very early (and first night I decided to conquer my fear and have the fan going non-stop all night, and not with the two hour timer I usually have it going [and thus waking up every two hours to reset it..]), so maybe it's insignificant. And then my breasts start to ache, around the nipple - surly that must be a positive sign! But then it fades away. And then the very mild period "pains", but then again somehow they always come with a maybe very weak, but still present, pain in the breast. And most importantly - still no period. So, after all maybe I am? I decide to wait till Wednesday morning, and if I don't get my period by then, to go and have a Beta test. But this morning, my temperature going way down kind of discouraged me. I don't think I could stand hearing again a "no, your not pregnant" on the phone. So I decide that since I am already two days late, that I could do a home pregnancy test, and only if it's positive, go in tomorrow morning for the Beta. Well, the title says it - negative. At least this knowledge ends that roller coaster ride, and now I wait to begin a new and fresh cycle (although I previously thought of skipping the next insemination, I think I won't. Time is too precious).

The funny thing was that while I was positive about being pregnant, and after my psychologist's advice to calmly accept both possibilities, I had a mantra saying that - If I am - good. If I'm not then not too bad. All it means is that my dream will take just a little bit longer to be fulfilled, but I shall become a mummy some day. That was my line of thought when I felt positive about being pregnant. Somehow in the moments I felt I didn't succeed, the mantra turned into - I will never be a mother. And yes, I still find it hard to believe I ever will.

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

midway

Well actually yesterday was..
The first week is/was alright, but now in the second week I am climbing up walls waiting for an answer.
I am not waiting for a positive answer, since I'm completely sure I'm not, just want that period of mine to come so I'll have a seal on the not being pregnant. But on the other hand, I would prefer not getting a period before Sunday, because that would mean a quite short luteal stage which as I understand isn't too good.
I believe I'm not because my body totally doesn't feel pregnant; and because that as of this morning, my temperature started to drop [the one thing I kind of ignored last round because I was sure it was a mistake..]; and because it would be too good to be true after that almost completely painless insemination; and because it would be way too good to be true to be pregnant almost to the same week with my sister (whose 5 weeks pregnant). So I am not. I know that part of all this is to lessen the downfall after a negative answer, but the sad thing is that no matter how I convince myself that I'm not, I will still be very much disappointed when those drops of blood arrive. I am working on myself, showing me that it can't be, for sure it's not to be this time, but then (in the last two days) I have dreams in which I am (or more discover that I am).
I wish these next few days would just fly by..

Thursday, 10 July 2008

What a difference..

Well, as I mentioned, I had my third insemination last Tuesday. I thought I might have another one today, but didn't in the end.

And what a difference this insemination was from the previous ones! I was debating real hard last night whether to go this morning for an ultrasound so that to have another insemination if I still can (up till now I only did single inseminations, but since I'm not doing hormones yet, it might be wise to do double inseminations). On the one hand, I should have a go at it since it can only increase my chances, but on the other hand.. well I'm quite sure my follicles have collapsed by now, but more than that, going in today means Thursday's doctor, the same one who did the last two painful inseminations.

I was amazed on Tuesday how quick and (almost) painless it was! Well unfortunately can't say it was completely painless, since I was nervous and tense, and of course the more tense you are, the more you hold your muscles, and the more you do that, the more it hurts thus you become more tense, etc. A vicious circle..

With Thursday doctor, it took him quite a while, and he needed the nurse to bring him this instrument or another. With doctor Z (one of the top doctors in the field, and very much recommended) it was over so quickly that I was surprised - that's it!? And of course he didn't need to try different tools. Not only was it so quick, but I learnt a new thing about myself - I have a tilted uterus. I suspected that before, but of course had no way of knowing. With Thursday doctor it hurt probably because he had a hard time finding or approaching the place. Doctor Z, before starting the procedure asked me to go lower on the chair, and lower and lower, and still lower, muttering something about a tilted uterus. It was quite strange how low he wanted me to go (although I do usually sit too high and am asked to lower myself down). But then, when I was positioned well, he was in and out in a matter of seconds. So this morning, although I convinced myself last night that I should go, when I saw that my temperature went up, and since I know that the temperature rises only after ovulation, I decided to chicken and not go..

Hope that future insemination/s (yes I am trying to keep my hopes down) will be on Tuesdays with doctor Z.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Sharing

I already mentioned in an earlier post how I prefer keeping the process to myself. My family does know I am trying to conceive, and do from time to time ask if there is anything new, to which I usually answer that they'll know when I'm pregnant. I know of quite a few people who hadn't told about their plans to become single parents until they actually became pregnant. That is a route I could not have gone. I do and did need to know that I have their support, but on the other hand I am shutting them down. Kind of a funny situation..
I would have left my lack of desire to share any information about what and where I am in the process if it didn't bother me. But it does. I often stop and wonder why I refuse to let people into my world, why don't I let them be part of this major happening in my life. I know I really hate telling my mother because she'll bomb me with questions. When my last cycle failed, although I so much wanted a motherly hug and comforting words, I just knew that she was not the one to give me those. Maybe I'm wrong about her, but my experience tells me that she would have asked me all sort of technical questions, not comforting arms.
But my mum is not all the people from whom I shut myself. So why? The other day sister#5 asked me what's new, and my initial reply was of course that she'll know when I'm pregnant, to which she said something about just trying to show interest, which led me to think again - why? Why do I keep on shutting people out? So I ended up asking her to come with me to my next insemination (which was today, but more on that later this week..).
My psychologists explained that for me the distance between being close and being abandoned is too dangerously close, if I reach out I might get rejected. So, she explained, I distance myself and therefore obviously am not rejected. But when someone sends a hand to me, then I allow myself to give them a hand, it is less dangerous. It's a nice theory, not too sure about it, because I also keep to myself in a very friendly environment, an environment which sends lots of hugs and warm words and which is such a pleasure being part of - my SMC forum.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Follicles

I am quick at picking up information relevant to me (well, I am very inquisitive). And slowly slowly I am learning, gaining more and more knowledge. And today was one of those days in which I got to wear a smile on my face due to a new understanding.
Well, as my title suggests, my new revelation was to do with follicles. I never understood what on earth do the technicians see in the ultrasound. The lining I think I understand, but how can they see any follicles, and count their sizes?? Although each time I'm there I try, I still don't get it. I see her measuring something, and the numbers running up on the screen, but... You see, I was sure, in fact I "knew" that follicles are long tubes hanging down from the wall of the Fallopian tube. I don't know if it's the Hebrew name for the follicles that made me have that vision or what, but that is how I imagined they looked liked, and, well.. of course I never got to see such a thing.
Well today on the way home, frustrated that again I had no idea what I was seeing, it suddenly occurred to me that we do live in a marvelous era where information is a keyboard away. So of course I googled ultrasound images and gained a smile. Hope that when I return on Friday, I'll manage to put what I learnt into practice, and to finally see my follicle!


So this is how they look like:

The first image I saw that made me say Ahhhh. So the follicles are not a long tube, but rather some kind of a round shape.
(image from:http://www.advancedfertility.com/anovulat.htm )


Seeing this (actually there were two pictures adjoined - the other was the same but without the white outline, but this one made more sense to me..) the Ahhhh turned into a "Wow, I get it!"
(image from: http://storm.unimb.si/ultrasound/index.html )


Here my "Wow, I get it" turned into a smile.
Now I can see it :-)
(image from: http://www.ivf-infertility.com/infertility/investigations/female/ovulation.php )