Monday, 30 April 2012

12 Months 12 Challenges - MAY and eggs

[blogger's new look in the editor probably needs (A LOT OF) getting used too, and it probably is great, but I'm not liking it now!!]

May is the month I like to join ICLW. I did want to do one earlier this year, but as my reader was overflowing, I just couldn't add more to read.. So doing ICLW (attempting to at least read a post from every *blog!) and keeping my reader not  too full are this month's challenge!


Butterfly keeps on amazing me. The other day she was saying nee nee and I couldn't figure it out. Until I realized she was saying knee. The thing is, I didn't even know she knows that word! (apparently when she falls [and yes, that happens quite a lot, she is a tomboy..] I ask her if she wants me to kiss her knee..)


And eggs. The other day I was thinking aloud about what I'm going to make for supper (eggs..) and went to the computer with intentions to soon make said supper (you know, I am a procrastinator..). Suddenly a little hand puts an egg on the computer table. An egg she had to first open the fridge, then carefully open the carton of eggs, take one out and be careful when bringing it over.. It was like - mummy, you said you're going to make an egg, so here, make me an egg!
I made her an egg, showing her how I crack it open on the edge of the bowl, then mix etc. So today [just before making supper] I go to the toilet. Door is open and I can hear her with the fridge and then I can hear what I figure is her trying to crack eggs open into a bowl. Sure enough there were four eggs [as in all the eggs from the carton..] in the bowl. Luckily it was a plastic bowl which needs more force, so no egg was harmed, but boy does she learn fast!




* Did you know that the speller on Blogger, a place where one blogs, does not accept the word 'blog'? LOL.



Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Jupiter 9.6.05 - 3.4.12 *




* third of April - that would me the night he came to me in a dream, so I'm assuming that's the day he died. [as I have no real evidence he actually died, I will be more than happy to be the fool with this post, but it's been too long. I just hope he didn't suffer].

Monday, 16 April 2012

Can you give me a hug?

Asks my daughter's teddy when pressed, and here I am copying his (her? why does a teddy have to be a him?) request..
So much on my mind. I left the doctor's today and so wanted to cry, but it was the middle of my work day and I couldn't allow myself, and now, although I do want, it is kind of lost. Because he wouldn't give me a note to say breast-wise I am okay to start fertility treatment. And he is right, because over two years ago I came to him with a lump I felt. I did an u/s and a mammogram and all was clear so he told me to come for a check up a year later. Only I never came. Maybe because I was breastfeeding maybe because I was just lazy. So now I need a note for the fertility clinic but he wants me to do an u/s first (he also wanted a mammogram but as I am still breastfeeding he dropped that). And how do I do that with a little one? I can't ask my mother for help, asking the nanny is more expense that right now I really can't afford and I sure can't take her with me. And the appointment at the fertility clinic is later this week. Do I postpone it? Do I go hoping they'll be okay with it. But what if they ask me to come back again with that missing note? And my girl, what do I do with her?
And while I'm on doctors, let me tell you about the endocrinologist appointment I scheduled or at lest I thought I scheduled last time I saw her when she told me to come back a year later just to see if all's okay. Well that appointment should have been around now but apparently I didn't make that appointment and she is so fully booked she can only see me in the end of August, and my TSH is high and will it affect ttc? or worse, will they tell me I can't start until it is balanced?
And Jupiter. That would me my cat. The king. The one I found in a box one day when walking with Sky, my late dog. Together with 3 other kittens, probably two days old that someone left for their fate in a box (with a bowl of milk. how kind. note the cynicism. btw lets say he didn't know newborn kittens can't drink cow's milk, the milk was in a bowl higher than those small kittens!). Only Jupiter made it. And now I think he died. He's gone missing for too long and he came to me the other day in a dream (to say goodbye, but like lately, I didn't pay too much attention too him :-( ). And even now I'm sure he's gone, I hardly shed a tear. I want to cry but am not.
And then there is my mother. I don't really want to go into details here but it's causing me a lot of stress and grief. She doesn't see me or has ever really listened to me and while I have learned that for some time, I still try, never stop. Only this Pesach I was very hurt that while our family was split and everyone had their own Seder she took my sister's birth as an excuse not to do one with me (because my sister couldn't be for two bloody hours without my mother). No, that would be not doing a Seder with my daughter. My daughter who is almost two so probably the first meaningful Seder*. When I told sis#1 how upset I was about that, she laughed about me still expecting that from my mother, as my mother has been avoiding participating in a family Seder for years. But yes, I am almost 42 and I am still seeking my mother. a mother.
And I'm going over the past and realise, I don't think I've ever noticed this before, that she has never really had a mother-daughter talk with me. And oh, there were opportunities like when I got my period (I won't go into the whole story here because this post is already long enough, I'll just say a very big F for mother on her conduct). I asked her not to tell the men in the family as I was extremely shy. Now don't you think that's a great chance to talk with your daughter and explain that not only is there nothing to be embarrassed of, she should be very proud as she is becoming a young woman?? Well I got the okay for my request, only for her to tell (proudly :-( ) my father and brother the next moment. Or when I asked her how children are born (truly, I remember asking that!) and she sent me to my sister [to show me a kid's book on the subject]. No, that's not a good enough reason to sit with your young daughter and talk to her, and show her the book yourself. Okay, I really should stop here. It's just that I now can't count on her helping me with daughter which means either drugging her along with me or having the nanny look after her. And that just sucks. So, can you give me a hug?



* Not to worry, I found a Seder for me and daughter to participate in. Not the most fun one, but at least we had our Seder.


P.S
Not sure I have a picture of him (Jupiter). Will look later (probably tomorrow) and if I find something good enough I'll post it on a new post. He deserves at least that.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Saturday is for Art

or

Five Minutes of Art Work and Two Hours of Getting Cleaned

I try and sit with Butterfly every Saturday to do some work of art. While I found excellent ideas for all sorts of art projects, I think they are all above us right now. So we mainly sit and paint with our hands, or do some glueing. Yes, for a whole five minutes... [probably when we do more complex stuff, we will sit longer]

And yes, paper got some paint too! [I think by this time I took the work of art inside]

All that paint.. What a good excuse for opening the pool season!!

[see that little brown spot in her right eye? I love it as it's a little something from me in a daughter who doesn't look much like me.. (I have brown eyes)]



Besides that, she made mummy so proud the other day when she SANG!! mumbling and completely of tune and a stranger never would have guessed, but she sang!!!

Her new thing now is to practice jumping.. Her feet mostly do not leave the ground, but she did have a few successful attempts :-).

EDT 1
Managed to video her singing today :-) She's mainly repeating the first two words (but she does carry on to sing the rest of the line).
video

EDT 2
Did she? just? say? pipi baba?? As in bye bye pee when I took the potty she had just pooed in [yes, she calls both pipi] to empty in the toilet? As in TWO WORDS?

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Wanding

Well not quite yet, unless you count the one yesterday to see how my uterus is doing, as part of this long long list of tests I have to have done (for t42).
Not sure exactly where I'll have treatments, but that's a long and bureaucratic story, so I won't go into it here.. Only that I think I'd like to start with a few unmedicated inseminations as I don't want to stop breastfeeding. If that doesn't work then perhaps a natural IVF cycle which regardless I've heard is better at my age as my eggs now are amongst the last so my body is sending out the best..

And then there is the wanding, and doing (hopefully!) unmedicated cycles also means more monitoring and there's a little girl to think about. Do I take her with me? Do I find someone to look after her while I go? Well, I have three options- 1. my mum (with perhaps my sister helping for the first hour); 2. the nanny (assuming they can); 3. taking her with me.

Advantages / Disadvateges
* Mum
main advantage - not having to take daughter with me and well, not paying some one to look after my daughter.
disadvantages- it is early morning and my mum is not an early bird (hence why sister, but she can only until they go to school/work). My mum helps me quite a lot, or at least she feels she's doing a lot for me, so this is another burden I'm imposing on her. And last but not least, she will know when I have treatments, and will constantly ask if there are any results etc. I really don't need her on my back..

* nanny
first, it's a big assumption that she can and will..
advatnages - I'm not asking for favours from my mum.
disadvantages - more money to pay her when I really don't have that extra (and mind, these are hours paid where I won't be working and earning) and like I said for my mother, she will know when I'm trying, not too happy about that!
I think the nanny option is more on paper as it is the one I least like.

* taking her with me
main advantage - no one has to know anything until I tell my news!
disadvantages - it is a fertility clinic. most of the women do not have kids. I do remember how it felt when babies or toddlers were brought in. I did understand that sometimes you have no choice, but nevertheless it did hurt. Besides that, wherever I end up being treated, it is quite shlep. One thing going by myself, but with a little toddler? And add to that that way before she normally wakes up (yes, we are late sleepers..) so very unpleasant bus rides (yes that was plural. I would need two buses each way). And I think another big disadvantage is not wanting my daughter to see me being wanded. Just doesn't sound right for me (and no, I will not have her wait outside while I'm inside..).


I think this is leaning towards my mother helping me out. I am really not too happy about that, but it seems like the best option.

Monday, 2 April 2012

and the joke is on her...

My sister thought it would be some kind of joke to tell everyone her due date was the first of April even though it was actually a few days earlier. Well guess who gave birth just before midnight on April's Fools Day!!!
So after a very very difficult birth, my sister is now also a single mother by choice to the most cutest baby boy :-)).

[funny thing, when we were waiting to see him through the viewing window, we saw another baby being washed and just seeing that other baby (whom I have no idea who is..) I was all teary eyed. My father on the other hand? Oh that's not our baby, what's there to see!? The difference between men and women....]