Sunday, 25 May 2008

Happy Period Day :-)

Usually speaking I quite hate my periods. I can't really think of a good reason to hate them since they are usually very easy going. I have always had a regular period ever since I can remember. I remember when I just got my period, and sister #3 explained that at first it isn't so regular, and she gave herself as an example - how her second period was about four months after the first etc, and that with time it will become regular. Well, as far as I can recall, I always had regular periods. Besides, I never took BCP* [never needed to )-:] and never missed a month. Not only that, my periods usually last three days, when only the first day is somewhat painful. Not the most convenient but not something that will persuade me to take a pain killer. So basically I shouldn't really complain about getting a period. Well, I still didn't like it most of the years (hmmm.. didn't like!? I should say: hated). Probably every period that came and went meant that although I'm still in my fertile years, there's still no baby to account for.

Anyway, I was very happy a few months ago when I got my period, since it meant I could start the process. And I think I am even happier now - I missed my last ovulation due to independence day, and was very scared of the thought that I'll be missing the next one due to the festival of Shavuot (a two day non working holiday). I hoped my next peiod would come a bit late, so I might ovulate after Shavuot. But even better - getting it a bit earlier means that I most definitely should be ovulating before Shavuot, and shouldn't miss it this time!

*BCP=Birth Control Pills. I'm slowly learning these acronyms..

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Thermometer

As I am usually a very healthy person, I don't really have a thermometer at home. Actually, I don't even know my regular temperature. I mean I know sister #1's temperature is normally below the average (so when the poor thing had a temperature in the army & wanted a leave to hospital, she wasn't permitted since her temperatures weren't high enough..), but is this a family thing? Should my regular temperature too be a bit below the average?
After Michal asked in one of the comments if I was tracking my temperatures in order to know when I ovulate, I decided that maybe I should. It is not the most accurate method and I don't really need to (I do u.s & blood tests), but I figured - what the heck! It can't harm, on the contrary it might do me some good to know my body a little bit better. To know for myself when about I should be ovulating.
So I decided to buy a thermometer. I expected to buy an old fashioned one, that is a long tube with numbers along side and a blob of mercury that goes up according to the temperature. Yes, just the one we used to have at home when I was a kid. Well, the world must have moved around somewhat since then because the shop only had digital ones.. Oh well, had to choose a digital one (not that I really mind, but: a. how does one choose!? b. somehow I thought that a digital one is less accurate). Anyway the one I chose ended up to be faulty. Now I was very proud of myself to phone the attached telephone number and complain, but when it came to changing it for a different one, well that I let my dear mother do.
So now everyday I get up early just so I can take my temperature. For the time being, it looks like it's all over the place, but we'll see.

But the funny thing is, I was so sure I saw somewhere about digital thermometers not being all that accurate which is a problem when trying to use the to track down ovulation. So what one should do is wait another three! more minutes after the thermometer beeped (announcing the temperature) in order to get a more accurate reading (I think more digits after the point). Obviously the source of this information must have been some kind of weird dream I had, but still I had to test it.. I cracked after about a minute with no change appearing. Hey, maybe it's because I haven't waited the whole three minutes?

Later: So I managed to put my hand on one of those old fashioned mercury thermometers. But, hmmm... advantages and disadvantages. It might be more accurate and not prone to giving false data when the battery is low, but after the comfort of seeing the numbers straight in front of you to go back in time and start counting the lines (which is one of the things I'm so terrible at. For example, when one counts and marks it with 4 lines crossed by a 5th diagonal one [and thus every such block equals five items] I always get so confused after the third line). Anyway I'll see how it goes (still have digital thermometer).

Thursday, 15 May 2008

A Dream

I dreamt last night that my sister (sister #5) was pregnant. She and I are the only ones yet to have a family of our own. I often wonder what about her because I know she loves kids and would be a great mum, and I know she does want to be a mother one day. When I told her my plan of becoming a mum through sperm donation, she said that she could not take that path, and that if she felt she was running out of time, she would settle down and have this child with the next bloke she goes out with, i.e she won't fuss about who the guy is but compromise on her list of demands.I do hope that in whatever way she finds right, that she will be a mother one day.
Anyway, back to my dream.. Well we were standing together, sisters #4 (me!), 5 & 6 and talking. I wasn't really paying attention (a day dreamer is always a day dreamer, even at night..) but somehow heard the word pregnant uttered by sister #6, but couldn't hear sister #5's reply.
Later on I realized that sister #6 probably guessed that sister #5 is pregnant, so I asked sister #6 to tell me what was said, but she refused. Only when I whispered - she is pregnant (my mum was around and she obviously wasn't yet informed) did she confirm.
Next I am with sister #5. I don't rememeber where but it was kind of a big place and we weren't sitting together (actually, quite far apart). Anyway I called out - I've heard and she said yeah (or something like that) so I wasn't sure. I asked when and she said in August (so I knew I wasn't mistaken..). I remember that I suddenly realized I should hug her, be more happy for her. I was indeed happy for her, but I was also somewhat jealous..

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Second attempt

Between independence day and the gynecologists' conference, I had just one day to succeed. In my mind I "knew" that the second attempt will be a failure and was willing to skip and go straight into the third one. But, well... hmmm... I obviously can't go from first to third without having a second in the middle. So here was my ideal second attempt failure - with only one day to attempt insemination I can't possibly feel upset if I don't end up pregnant.
So I went today with my bag prepared with everything - documents (for fertility clinic & sperm bank), thermos, something to read while waiting. Somehow the thermos part didn't really seem right, something about it felt wrong, but hey, if they tell me in the clinic to go fetch the sperm, I rather go immediately and not make a big detour through home. Well, I do have intuitions and even good ones. If I feel that the thermos would be unnecessary, then so it will. And was. It seems that I've already ovulated, so it's kind of too late. Means I miss this month's attempt and have to wait another month to try again. It is so frustrating to fail without even trying. On the bright side I can say that at least I passed the "must fail" second attempt!

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Choosing a donor

Choosing a donor.. How important can that be.. I know that for most people this is an issue. Finding the one whose child will most likely resemble the mother or a donor who looks as much as possible like the the guys she usually dates, or maybe has some kind of trait that might pass on to the child. But then facing the reality that the donor is nothing more than a..... donor. When I just started getting into becoming a single mother by choice, I got my first big shock when I heard the details I would get about my donor are some physical traits and that's about it. I knew the donor would be anonymous as all donors here are (and about anonymity in another post [I hope!]) but I thought I would have some kind of information about him - is he a sensitive person? does he like to read books? what are his hobbies? etc. Something beyond the standard height/colour of hair/eyes/skin/ethnic background etc.

Well, I then had to think as to who will come with me and choose a donor. I especially didn't want sister # 3 since I was afraid she might try and persuade me to get a donor just because of his height (she once made an issue of it. I think most people make an issue of the height. I am 1.63m. and am very pleased with my height. Except for extremes, I really don't care how tall my child will be!). I was hoping sister #6 would come with me, since I knew she would think with me and not choose for me. But she lives quite far away and has a little baby and by and by choosing the donor became less and less important for me. I mean it was very important and exciting as it meant that I could finally begin, but the who wasn't really important. What was more important, was obtaining as much information as I can about the donor. Information that might help satisfy my child's curiosity. Any extra detail that my child might know about her/his origin. So "the swimmer"* it was..

P.S
Interesting though - I claim not to make too big a deal out of the donor. I didn't spend hours there thinking and rethinking (oh, and I ended up going with sister #3 who surprised me greatly by actually being there for me and making sure I was pleased and satisfied with my/our choice), but a short discussion led to the chosen one (O.K, have to admit that there were only four to choose from..). Well anyway I claim to not care too much about the donor, and yet feel strongly attached, don't want to have to change him!

* and I do mean swimmer and not referring to speremies :-]

Saturday, 3 May 2008

Who knows?

My psychologist talks a lot about what kind of support I have for the process. I, on the other hand, prefer not to tell people too much. My family knows and supports me which is very good and very important. I couldn't have possibly started any procedure without their blessing. I heard of many cases in which the woman informed her family only when pregnant. I don't know their story and don't know anything about their lives. I know that for me that wouldn't work! So my family knows and I have their support, which as I said is great, but I don't want to tell them every time I have an insemination, or every time it fails or god knows what. Don't want them to know every detail but probably need them to be in the background. I suppose it's a delicate balance.
Well anyway, I didn't really want to tell them I've actually started inseminations, but somehow they all (well almost all) got to know, and each by a different occasion. Its a bit funny, if you think about it.

So sister no.1 knew because she paid for the sperm. Well she didn't really pay for it, rather she owes me some money, and since I don't hold a credit card, it makes life much easier if she pays by card using the money she owes me. I thought of asking her to buy a few doses at once, so that I won't have to inform her every time.. but I'm not sure if that's wise (do I get my money back if I and when I succeed?).
Sister no.5 - well I thought I might need some moral support for the actual procedure, so I asked her to come with me. She was more than willing, but unfortunately the day of the insemination was the one day she couldn't.. Actually it was better like that. I suppose that had she come, I would have felt much more nervous and anxious.
From sister no.6 I wanted some advice, so I had to inform her, and sister no.3 who lives next door when asked what's happening, after I told all my other sisters (no, there's no number missing.. I also have a brother, and there's me, of course..), I couldn't not tell her..
So after the failer, I had to tell them one by one of the negative outcome.
I think for the next times, I prefer not having them all know..

Thursday, 1 May 2008

13

13 must be a good number! As I mentioned in the previous post, I love this number, I hope it loves me too.. And why am I making such a deal of it?
Well next Thursday & Friday my fertility clinic will be closed due to Independence day. On Saturday it will be closed as everything is here. Then on Monday & Tuesday there's an annual gynecologists conference, and I was told that no gynecologist will be available.
That leaves me only Sunday, which will be the 13th day of my period. I do hope that on that day I will be ovulating or at least just before, so I could be inseminated and not miss this month.