Saturday, 28 November 2015

Ofir and Rainbow

The Shortest Version
I am pregnant. Twins. One of them doesn't have a brain. Don't yet know what the next step is (that is how and when to finish its life).

The Short Version
I totally believed I was not pregnant, so much so that I refused to actually have a pregnancy test - I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative result (more so it being my last attempt). I did feel strange things but was sure it was either a tumour or that my inner female parts had fallen or something like that. I did learn I was pregnant when my tummy started growing really big and I had some milk from my boobs.
I saw the doctor yesterday (one that I made an appointment when I thought it was a tumour etc) and saw that there were twins, one of them a bit smaller and without a brain. He sent me to the hospital for further consultation as to what to do.

Ofir is the name I had for if I had twins, so that's the name of the foetus that won't survive. Ofir is a Biblical land of gold.

I do not know the gender of either - I didn't want to know. I do know that they are not the same gender.

I was going [about a week ago when I wrote the above..] to write a much longer and detailed version (aka The Long Version...) but I think the above gives the main story.
A great happiness and a great sadness mixed together.
I want to somehow say goodbye to Ofir. He or she is my child. I am not sure what or how. Will it be right for me to see him/her after birth? etc. I do feel Ofir kicking in me. I go from wanting to ignore its existence completely to wanting to cherish its picture forever. I hope to use this platform to say goodbye from Ofir.



Rainbow, on the other hand is the name of the twin that should survive. Butterfly chose that name.. She, btw, doesn't know about Ofir, only that I am pregnant with Rainbow. Though she does know something is wrong (it is hard to hide). But she did say the other day while playing (that is, not to me) that it can't be that mummy has twins because her tummy isn't so big. It is hard hiding from her when she is around me most of the day (a homeschooling single mum..). I am starting to wonder if I should tell her or not.