Sunday, 28 June 2009

c...... c....... c........ cd1!

It seems someone up or down or sideways or wherever does answer prayers! Friday, playing around with the dates I realized two things: 1. I might have a time problem (appointment [i.e an IVF briefing] after day 7 in which I'm supposed to have my results faxed to them, for my dr.), i.e results would be faxed, but as I won't be in thier system... ; 2. If her madamship comes on Sunday, then CD7, when I have to have my bloodwork and scan, will be Saturday. Saturday, hmmmm, when I can't have a scan and bloodwork (closed). I mean yeah I would go a day early or late (whatever the dr. would advice), but OMG please no..

So.. regarding 1 - I tried to make that appointment earlier to this week but they couldn't fit me in. But it seems that I anyway need to register (or whatever it is called) and you don't need an appointment for that (it's probably usually done together with the briefing). So tomorrow morning I'll get that sorted out (and then next week go in again for the briefing).

As for no.2 - oh, I was so praying and hoping. I was hoping to get my period on Sat as I felt it was on the way, but as the day passed and it didn't show up, I was - please not Sun! Well at 23:45, I guess we can call Mon as CD1 and my prayers answered!

Oh, and did I mention how excited I am :-)

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Sillies Meme

[I wonder who is this person who starts all these memes and from where does he or she get all these different numbers... lol...]

O.K, so six silly things that make me smile:

  1. Watching birds flying, dancing, being merry.
  2. Looking at any other animals being themselves [should I mention that not caged animals in zoos? That is one experience my child will have to do without].
  3. Stopping to look at or smell a nice flower/plant in the street.
  4. Walking in the rain and having my hair get all wet [but only if I'm going home or nowhere in particular, otherwise I'm - oh, what will they think...]
  5. Listening to the birds singing.
  6. M&Ms. Well I hope it will make me happy. Felt like having some M&Ms, went to shop a, and no, don't have them. Neither did shop b or c. Still in the hunt for them. When did they become hard to get?? I mean I know there are more to just the yellow [yummy!] and brown packs that are sold here, but just give me my peanut M&Ms! [sis says it's a new importer]
  7. Saturday, 103FM on my radio, all day long (starting Fri night) lovely Israeli/Hebrew songs.


Was tagged for this meme by Jess (at Baby in the making).


Tagging:

Friday, 26 June 2009

just thoughts concerning....... you guessed it - IVF

Thoughts of if/will I ask someone to come with me to the retrieval, and if so, who should it be. Yes, I am completely ahead of myself. But where would I be without all these small worries :-) ? [oh, and I have more, but I think the rest are mostly stuff that I'll figure out as I go along].
My first thought was no one. I can do this alone, don't need anyone to accompany me. But then someone (on a board) just happened to ask about going alone or with someone, and was explained why she should have someone with her. Which got me thinking, I probably should go with someone, at least for the first time (of course hoping first=last, but if there should be a second time, I will be wiser after this first time if alone or with someone). And I'm sure they will be more that happy to do this for me. But I still wish I could just hop in the car with my hubby and go there, and not have to concern anyone with the fact that I'm trying to conceive on my own, but yet can't really do it on my own.
Three people I'm bouncing in my head* - mum; sis #1; sis # 3. First my sisters. Sister #3 helped me quite a lot, coming with me to first appointment at the sperm bank, coming to hear results of biopsy, but here I think I'm asking a bit more. And they are both working women which would mean to cut of work, and it's not like I know in advance exactly when it will be (oh, and sis#3 has little ones at home). I really don't want to impose too much on them.
So thinking more and more of asking my mother. Don't really want her to be up my neck asking all the million and one questions she always asks, more so don't want her to ask - "Nu, anything yet?" [nu, is so not "so", but I guess that's the closest]. Kind of thinking it might be a "mums thing", and as I said in a recent post, I am rediscovering her. I did have a talk with her the other day about this IVF procedure, giving a brief explanation of what it is about (she knew only that [can't remember now..] and that it is a painful procedure..).
Oh well, still have time to think about it..

P.S
Sorry to be blogging so much about this IVF before I even started it, but it seems like this huge gigantic impossible mountain, and hey - slowly slowly, step by step, I am actually getting there, climbing over the mountain.


* I will now go to sleep imagining those three 'playing' juggling in my head. You know, every time I read someone talk about shipping (meds, vials, etc.), I have this image of a huge ship (to be precised I would say something that looks more like those old old ships with sails and all and less like a modern ship) sailing across the dry dry land.. Yes, it's probably due to the fact that we do things a bit different here, shipping is for those who order vials from out of Israel [i.e less common], plus we don't use the term "shipping", but yes, I am over imaginative..

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

IVF update

First, how cool is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eorPL58LIm8
[hmmm... how do I link the above so that you can actually see the video on my blog?]
Oh, and let me fluff my feathers for the Israeli connection - the inventor was an Israeli and it's a Dutch-Israeli company. The clip, BTW, was filmed in Tel-Aviv.


IVF updates.. Almost there! Almost excited :-). Just came from the dr (Dr. B), a very nice guy. Told me to keep updating him, but I am so not the type. Guess I'll have to put my shyness aside and learn to use the phone..
As to the question of where to do it, I was all the time thinking of facility X [which actually is how I chose the dr, (I mean beside him being a good and kind person, which was definitely important to me. I assume they are all professional, but I know I need someone who is a human), as someone who works there], but the problem is that X moved and I was beginning to think why not do it in the hospital which is close by. Well at the hospital, being a public one, any dr. will be doing the procedure. So I'm back with X and with Dr. B. Oh on the other hand X will be in a completely new building, actually hasn't opened yet (next week is the opening) so that definitely sounds like an advantage to me!

Anyway tomorrow morning I'm to go to my "kupa" (that's our health system. HMO?) and hand in the papers and hopefully be approved for IVF by Thursday [they don't work Fri-Sat]. I should be getting my period this weekend, and then if I am approved, I'll start with gonal etc. If I won't yet be approved, then I am to take BCP for two weeks, and then once I get my period start with the gonal etc [assuming of course that I will get approved by then. But why shouldn't I??]. I am also to go to X and file up there.

Regarding the method, funny but Fat Chick just had a post asking if to do ICSI or not. Personally I am not so for this procedure because of the natural selection thing, but like the comments suggested, Dr. B said that at least in the first attempt at IVF, he prefers to do both, so I'll be doing 2/3 "regular" procedure and 1/3 ICSI.

EDT (Tue 18:30) - I just got the call that they approve!!!! I was convincing my self that no reason why not, but still was afraid. And wow, they were quick! I just handed the papers in this morning (and oh, if I had known it was that easy, just go to my local branch up the road and give them some papers...), hoping to get an answer by Thurs! Oh, I am so happy :-). [and glad I won't be doing BCP]

Saturday, 20 June 2009

to keep or not to keep

Well, thankfully not a relevant question.

In this weekend's newspaper, following a documentary which will air on TV later this week, there is a story of this young woman (30) who had a mastectomy. She didn't do it because she had breast cancer, but because she had a higher chance of getting it (I think 50%). Her father took part in a research about breast cancer, something about having or not having the gene. Once he was found to be a carrier, she was also tested and found to be a carrier too. Of course it wasn't an easy decision for her to let go of her perfect breasts, of her femininity and mummyhoodness (but how will I nurse a future baby, she asked the dr, whose reply was - what's better, baby not nursing or baby being an orphan), but she did in the end (and had her breasts reconstructed).

Happens to be that my father also participated in such a research, and was also found to be a carrier of the gene (BRC2) and thus we, his daughters, were called to be tested.
First question is do you test? Do you want to know even if it might mean you have this gene and therefore your life won't be the same? Maybe you prefer not chancing being stressed out about it and just not test? Out of five girls, three of us were tested and found to be in the clear (me included), one was tested and found to have the gene and one refused to be tested, doesn't want to know (and sadly I would have to say that statistically she probably has a higher chance of having this gene). Personally I couldn't live with not knowing, because that would make me think that I definitely have it, but I have to accept her prefering not to freak out if she does have this gene.
Then of course (assuming you are unfortunate and do have the gene) there's the question of what do you do. Do you carry on living your life as you did the day before and the day before that, or do you take some life changing precautions. Do you remove your breasts? What about your ovaries? Does it matter whether you have already had a child and/or breast fed one? And what about body image which might change dramatically after having your breasts removed (even if they are reconstructed)?
The sister of mine who was found to have this gene, had (after a long and hard year battling it) her ovaries removed, but couldn't do that to her breasts. She won't even though she is highly recommended to do so.

I too don't think I would have been able to have a mastectomy. I know that as long as I didn't actually have cancer, that I couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it [somewhat similar to my sister who won't be tested]. No doubt that it would always be in the back of my mind, but to remove my breasts??? Not that I love that body part with all my might, but it is still part of me, part of making me a woman, not to mention that I would really love to nurse my kid. I do take into account many stories I've heard about how it is not always easy, how you don't always have enough milk, how the baby doesn't always "know" how to suck from the breasts and how for some mother's this is a painful ordeal that they are just glad when baby is weened. But I would still love to give it a go, and having a mastectomy, well I would have to kiss that dream goodbye.
Neither could I have, at this time in my life, my ovaries removed, for obvious reasons...

And this woman from the paper - wow, what a decision to make!

Friday, 19 June 2009

IF

First, please go over to Tracey's blog and offer her a big hug. Finally after a very long journey TTC, she and her sister (who was her surrogate) got a whooping first Beta of 300. Second Beta - 196. It just feels so unfair, after all that she's been through, to be getting a wonderful Beta, only to be slapped in the face.


Coming to terms with being an IFer. I was very much against having that word any where near my name. No, I am not infertile! I am just, well..... Mel called it situational infertility (and put us SMCs in the situation room), and with that I could live, but not with being called infertile. I couldn't be a failure also here.

A complete failure in the relationship department. Hardly dated throughout the years (really hardly). Can't even remember my last date, it was so many years ago, like I gave up on that ever happening.
At 18 probably my only serious boyfriend. And you want to know the sad pathetic thing? Some years later, long after that, we got together me him and others from that time period. He then told the story of how he didn't want to join the army a virgin (men..), so the night before he was enlisted he went to a hooker. So sad, as that was the time when we were together (and kind of sad that he completely forgot about us and told this story in my presence).

Then there is my almost no social life. I am a loner and love being alone. But I'm also a human being and love being with people. But I don't know how to go and meet new people and befriend people.

And then there's my career or whatever is left of it. Discipline was so terrible (at school), I just couldn't handle it. I quit the school teaching job I had after a pupil (5th grader, if it matters) was violent towards me and went at me kicking me and throwing a chair (all because I confiscated a card of his..). It was less the pupil's rage that got to me, more the rest of the class (a very small class but boy was their behavior a disgrace, I mean as you are very weak, you get these bonus lessons where it's almost like a private lesson, but all the lesson you do as you please, bothering, moving around in class, talking loudly etc. Yes, ADD and ADHD, unmedicated of course, and I am still training, have no idea how to deal with it. And this one terrible child stirs up the whole class, so almost all the lesson goes on management, almost none on actual learning. O.K, I digressed enough..). As this boy was being violent towards me, I asked the other pupils to call some other teacher, because obviously I couldn't handle it alone. And their look, like I was an enemy and no way will they go get me help. That was such a failure moment. I mean classroom management was always an issue, but here it seemed I couldn't even get them to see me as a person, beyond me being a teacher. After that incident I quit that job (actually more due to the way the school acted, didn't feel like they were too supportive of me..) and kind of put an end to my career as a teacher in a school.

Not to speak of failing to get my teacher's certificate. Just one or two more courses I had to do, a very big paper I had to hand in but just couldn't do it. I mean I procrastinated it too long that it became impossible to do..

Not to mention lack of a driver's licence (was putting money aside for that, but as I am approaching dry months of none or [hopefully] almost no income, that won't happen soon. And if I do get pregnant, not for a long long time) and having a low income.

Wow, didn't mean it to be such a downer post. With all or almost all the above I've learnt to live. So I'm not sociable, do not teach in a school, don't have a boyfriend, rely on buses to move around [and my feet! I do a lot of walking back and forth during the day] etc, but I a-m pleased with my current life. Nevertheless, these are failures in my life, and it couldn't be that also here, in trying to become a mother that I will be a failure. Not there, not where my body is concerned.
And now, I'm slowly coming to terms with being tagged as an infertile. Though still not easy for me to admit so..

P.S
I really hope I haven't offended anyone by saying that infertility is failure.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

IVF, here I come!

First step completed!
One of the tests I needed was for HIV. I had it, but lost it (most tests results they have online, not this one), so decided to go to my sperm bank [O.K question (please ignore my blush) - does cryobank mean sperm bank? because I always thought it was a name of a bank. not so sure now since everybody seems to be going there. i mean, should i be saying cryobank?], as they should have a copy of this test. Well, no they couldn't find where they put it as it wasn't in my file. BUT, coming home and looking for the report on the biopsy I had, couldn't find that, but found my aids result.. Murphy works hard! That (not finding boob report) wasn't too bad as anyway I had to see the Dr.
Anyway, while at the bank, I wanted also to buy some more vials. Now because there's such a shortage of donors, they let you buy only two at a time, and I've used up my previous two and needed to "stock up". So I come to first lady (not sure of her job title) and ask to buy more from the same donor I had, but she says that I can't since he is now out of market (has achieved the maximum number of births permitted. I will just add that being in a small country, there is a scare of half siblings marrying). Well that sounded like a big bummer. Not that I was particular fond of him, but for starts he was the only one tested for the genetic disease I carry (which is why I chose him), meaning paying for guy to have test done, and waiting for him to come in and waiting for results. And besides - how do I choose a new donor? By what parameters do I go when I have almost completely no information? I read a lot about how difficult it is to choose between this wonderful guy and that one. I will just say that not knowing much doesn't make the choice easier! In the meantime, asking the woman in charge if possibly there is another guy who was tested, she said that no, but as an exception, she will sell me two last vials of him (but if I need to buy again, I will have to use a new donor). Phew!

Finishing collecting the tests, I went to my GP so he can go over the list and see that I have them all (they say, for eg. VDRL, but when I looked at my blood results I couldn't see such a thing. GP assured me that I have it), and give me a referral if there's something missing. Well I am actually only missing half a test (hepatitis b, I only have the one saying I don't have it, not the one that says if I'm immune). He said it shouldn't be a problem. Hope so!

And today (after finishing collecting those tests) I made the call to the doctor. But until I was answered.. Why don't they answer immediately? Don't they know I have phonephobia and that I need to build up all my courage to make that call and that I would really love to get it over and done with??? Anyway, done that.. Now I wait for my appointment next week (at 23:00!) and really really really hope that I won't be missing my next cycle (it will be a bit of a tight squeeze as I should be getting my period next weekend and I don't know how to proceed from there (the meeting, that is..), and how long it will take to get an approval.

Monday, 15 June 2009

On Sensitivity

This time, on sensitivity....

First (I mean before I talk with reference to the title..) let me tell you this funny little story. Across the street live a 4 year old girl and her 6 year old brother. they play a lot with L, my 4 year old nephew who is my neighbour (and therefore also lives across the street from them). Though the father is not such a character, teaching his son to mock and tease L, when it's just the kids they play nicely and it is really good socially for L as these kids are teaching him something about socializing and it is really nice how they come and go. I don't really exchange words with the neighbours (too shy..) but do occasionally say hello to the kids (probably mainly the boy).
Anyway, yesterday the whole family was outside, and the little girl, on seeing me shouted - You're L's grandma, your L's grandma! Yeah, she's only 4, probably doesn't yet have the notion that you have to be just a little bit older to be a grandmother, but it cracked me up to be called granny!


On sensitivity.
My mother.
When I write about her here, it is usually in the negative - can't talk to her, can't share with her. But you know what? I am slowly rediscovering my mother, beginning to see her in new eyes.
There was this 'incident' this week. She got a new camera for her birthday and we were both trying (unsuccessfully) to use a certain feature in it. Later that day (or the next day) she told me that "she said you do blah blah blah". We were both hovering over the camera seeing how yes, you have to do XYZ. Anyway, as she was leaving, I asked - "and who is she" (kind of guessed sis #6), and she answered [before I continue, I just want to mention that my mother and I have this kind of humor where we would refer to family members as daughter; sister; nephew; etc, and not by their names ("your sister was looking for you"). Of course we don't do that all the time, and I believe it's kind of funny when you are told that - you sister..... and, well there are quite a few possibilities], so when asked "who is she", mother replied - your daughter, immediately correcting herself saying she's sorry and that it came out wrong. Well as she said your daughter, I was smiling - firstly because it was such an understandable mistake, but maybe more because it had a sweet sound to it, my mother saying: your daughter. Anyway it was so sweet how she corrected herself, how she saw how it might effect me.
And I think I am a bit opening up to her about my ttc efforts. Not so much about IVF, but small things and it feels good. Yesterday I found myself asking her if she knows the meaning of my middle name, being able to ask her this question (not so long ago I couldn't have). And it wasn't in bitterness or negativeness, on the contrary - with a lot of humor (I will just say that its meaning has to do with fertility, with being fertile!) [oh, and I love it, as well as my first name :-)].

Saturday, 13 June 2009

The end of that.

[Not a post of interest, nevertheless I have to write it and get it out of me]

This will be my last mention of a certain person. I will no longer speak of her as she is just so not worth it.
How could I have been so silly and stupid and blind to think that she cared about me? that she wanted the best for me? She was never interested in me, more in her superior feeling of power in "helping" someone less than her. So as long as I was forlorn (as morfix kindly translated עלובה for me, none of the suggestions felt quite right for me), she was there for me, supporting me, but once I grew, once I was doing something for myself, she was no longer "needed". Funny, looking at the comments, I see how the more I got into the community around me, how as she became less of the sole person to "be there for me", she ceased to comment. Then, that not helping she began sending nasty comments (like saying I'm childish or hinting loud and clear that I have Aspergers [for any new readers - I don't..]). That didn't help because I was oh, so blind and so believing that she cared and that her intentions were good, so she went up a stage and attacked me. And when she started that dreadful attack on me, she could no longer go back, her pride..
And this attack of hers, her pushing me (nay, bullying me) into taking a break from TTC (when at my age, a break might be like hmmmmm, f-o-r-e-v-er !) and going on to psychiatric pills, saying how unfit I am to parent. Today I know better, but back then she managed to get to me, managed to belittle and degrade and humiliates me, managed to make me feel so not worth anything. And you know what, it was all about her ego, once she decided and said, that was it, no turning back. You know, it's been over half a year since this whole "incident" began, and not once did I hear an apology from her, not once did she say I'm sorry for the pain I caused you (even if she still holds on to it being for my good). And knowing how I so much need (no! I'll put that in the past - needed) her to undo her wrong of saying what a terrible mother I will be and letting me know that she believes in me, that I will be a mother one day and a damn good one. Not once. When I did mention once that an apology would be nice, she talked about being right and therefore she will not apologize (or something to that effect). I was in shock, but still naively believed she was truly there for me, and was still wishing to hear those kind words from her. Never were they to come.
This week she showed me her real face (or rather my eyes were not blind as before and my heart was less eager to hear her say good words to me), what a looser she is. What a complete no who she is.

Oh, and a few words about those psychiatric pills. Now I am not going to say they are good or bad or whatever, just that they were never right for me. My therapist was completely in shock when I talked about trying those pills. Shocked not of the notion but for my reason for doing so. You see, back then, I truly believed that if I comply with the demands of said person, that I'll have her back on my side. But you know what? though I did give it a try (I do think of myself as a brave person, one who is willing to try things that maybe might help me, maybe I was such a mess that only meds could shake me out of it), it was not due to my own free will, and one doesn't so these things because someone else said. And I will add here that I am so not a person to take meds, any meds. Luckily I am a very healthy person (never took antibiotics in my life!), and I don't even use painkillers for headaches etc. Starting on folic acid (and then the prenatal and hormones) was a big thing for me. But as I said, I see myself as brave, willing to give it a try. Except.. problem was that I didn't really know for what reason. Yes, I am a shy and insecure person. A very insecure person. A very very insecure person. But so what? Hmmm... according to this person, that would make my child miserable. I am now at strength to say - nonsense. My child will be very happy and very lucky to have me as his or her mother. My child will not be any more or any less sad or unhappy as any other child is. Parents come in all shapes and sizes, some are over confident while some are under, some are active some more passive. Whatever and however they are or are not, does not mean child should be miserable. And I pretty much know myself, know that if I'll have to, then I'll make that phone call to the teacher or whoever [and I do dread making some calls]. I know that I am a strong person and I do believe in my strength (so why oh why did I let her go at me like that..).
Talking here about this child of mine.. Funny thing is that in her big attack on me, she claimed how unfit I was as I was talking about myself and about how I deserve to be a mother and not about the child deserving to be my son/daughter. I wonder.. I am completely under attack, it is my blood she is after, and yet I am not defending this unborn child therefore I am no good?? Even now, months ahead and with a clear and fresh mind, I will still state that I deserve to be a mother. It does not mean that the other part of the equation doesn't exist. But you know, writing this stuff here,I think it was never a real and valid argument by her (such as her trying to scare me by telling me how social workers come and check on single mothers and if they don't like what they see, they take child away into foster care and therefore I'm dooming my child into a life of misery [yes, my house is a big mess, but you know what I do not have a child, not even pregnant..]), more of her trying to "score points" over me, to belittle me and to show me again how not worthy I am - how dare I think/want to become a mother if I can't even think of my child's welfare. What a baloney! And you know, I do all the time think of this child, and how and what I should do as a parent for this child.
Well I somewhat drifted.. returning to those meds, well I tried and of course saw no "improvement", I continued to try and still nothing. Eventually one morning I decided that no, I will not continue taking them. It was right before my last cycle began, and although they were safe to use while pregnant, I wasn't really happy about that. It was some relief to make that decision. Me deciding what's best for myself.

And to do myself justice, I just have to say two more things regarding 2 comments of hers that are untrue and that I ignored because they are really not of any importance, but nevertheless:
1. She might claim to be single by choice, but her choice ahhhmm was to divorce. The kids have a father, and a very supportive and loving one. Yes, last summer he got a job abroad and is now not living anywhere near, and it is difficult [though not 6 years like she made it sound], but the kids do have a daddy and this job is only temporary. Nothing remotely similar to an SMC who doesn't even know much details about the donor, let alone there should be someone there for the kids [yes, I am fortunate to have a large family, but helping with your sister's child is not the same as being there for your own kid, even if you don't live in the same house].
2. In no way was she the reason for me starting this blog, as she claimed. I opened this blog because I thought it would be a nice record for my child whenever they are old enough, seeing as they don't have any data on their father, let them at least have something from the time of when they were created. Of course dynamics change and there are now other reasons for writing, but it was never about her or because of her. I know most of you haven't seen that comment as it was on an old post (or for that matter, know about who I'm talking), with one of those clashes she had with Dora, and even if you have, it is so insignificant, but I just had to amend that, I write because I want to, and I started to write here because I wanted to. No other reason..

P.S
Continually reading a blog of someone you claim you care for and not saying a word? Ever? That is totally unacceptable in my world. Please note that I am talking about someone who knows me and who says she is there for me. I am not talking about lurkers who probably have their reasons for staying in the shadows (and might I add that I in complete awe that some stranger/s would find my blog appealing enough to come back again and again even if they don't feel up to commenting and showing their face..) but about this certain person who knows me. This behaviour of hers is not new, and to tell the truth, I am tired of it.
I was thinking of going password protect or finding a new place for my blog (love how in Wordpress one can password protect certain posts rather than the whole blog), but I won't. I worked damn hard to get my readership and I love my blog name and how it looks (though I would change the URL name if I had a chance. LOL), and I am definitely not going to break my head and start from scratch.
The only solution I see, is to let the RSS feeds have only a short version of the posts, so that if madam wants to know she will have to enter [hopefully after this post that won't be an issue..]. I am sorry if any of you usually read the feed and only enter if you have something to say. I didn't cancel the feed updates entirely in the thoughts that I don't want to loose you, but I don't have any other way, I can't let her be a parasite filling her cup of curiosity without filling her end of the deal any more.

And yes, another long post.. sorry about that.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

On Sensitivity (a rant and sorry, but it's probably too long)

Don't know where I'm going here. Between finally making those ginger bread biscuits (dough currently sitting in fridge) and having a shower in preparation for celebrating mother's birthday, I'm gonna rant..

On a board I frequent, a board for all those on the way to become single mothers by choice (i.e those who are still in the pondering stage; those who are trying; those who are pregnant), we recently had a very "hot" discussion with, well lots of emotions flying by. It started when one of the pregnant women asked to have a meeting for only those pregnant as they have their issues. Fair enough. Not so long ago a thinker asked to meet with other thinkers and nobody blinked an eye. It is totally understandable. But what stirred the fire here was N's statement saying - yeah, I would love meeting with others in my state since every step I reach makes the previous ones irrelevant. WTF??? Yes, N got pregnant fairly quickly (and it's actually not the first time she showed such insensitivity - when someone else on the board had to cease their pregnancy at 20 weeks she couldn't wait a day or two to talk about her new pregnancy's nausea), and as someone commented - someone who got pregnant that easy can't really understand those who are trying and trying and wanting and craving and going through injections and IVF and whatever to get to where she is. Not sure if that's true. I do know that her insensitivity caused such reactions (and sadly I don't think she gets it).

O.K, it's five o'clock. The dough has been sitting in the fridge for half an hour. Better make those men. Oh, that doesn't sound like such fun.. Mixing ingredients, licking the bowl, even washing the dishes, better.
Stealing a few moments while drying after my shower to tell you how the dough just broke into pieces when trying to use the rolling pin and how I gave such a yell at my sister when asked if her 4 year old could help and how it was solved by adding milk and butter and how I left them to cut out the shapes (so I can have my shower). O.K I'm dry, be back (for the rant and update on cookies..) later.

And then there are the pictures. Someone (on the same board as above..) asked if she is the only one who gets annoyed at those PowerPoint presentations of "those cute kiddies" people e-mail her. So annoyed wouldn't be my emotion, but yes. Luckily I haven't been getting such presentations, but... I think mostly pictures I see on blogs I read or on my SMC forum are O.K by me. I mean, they are not addressed specifically at me, and I can always choose not to open them (though as a perfectionist not so likely..). And I think mainly as these kids/babies are not people I know personally, so maybe it is easier for me to shut my emotions. But my sister sending me pics of her kids? (an almost 2 years old and a 2.5 month baby). Wow, that is difficult. I know those kids and love and adore them, and I love seeing them and holding them and playing with them when they are here, but having proud mummy send pics of her little ones? That's beyond me. I was thinking of asking her not to send me pics (just to clarify, she doesn't send to me in particular, rather to everyone, me included), but then again I don't want to be looked as that person who everyone has to be shushu when baby talk comes up or being careful as to what pics to send etc.

Gingerbread man. hmmmm... so small. How am I supposed to put 2 of those round sweets (we call them adashim. forget what they are called in English. Oh yeah I remember now - smarties) as eyes when there's room for only one?? And how on earth do I make them stick to the cookie? (recipe talked about using coloured frosting but I'd rather not use food colouring so I skipped that part).
Better get back to family gathering.

Continuing the subject of sensitivity, there's this person who most likely thinks she cares about me and all, but in my eyes she is probably one of the most insensitive persons. Coming into my blog, reading about my chemical, then entering again and again but not a word. Not here not there not anywhere. Not one single word to say she's sorry or better luck next time or whatever. Not first or only time. At Purim she pinned* a thread of the board's kids in Purim costumes. It's not the pictures that got to me. I do understand. It is the festival where kids dress up, and except me the rest are parents who want to show of their kids. Having those Purim pictures wouldn't really bother me (O.K I won't lie. It would no doubt do some squashing in my heart, but I wouldn't have remembered it the next day. Just one more "incident" on my path). But the pinning?? (and it's really not a busy place where messages go flying by and if you don't pin a message others might miss it). There were other cases, but I'll stop here. And yes, Purim was some time ago and I am totally a person to keep and hold a grudge.

And maybe this post is about me not believing I will ever be a mother. That day I cried and cried and cried, like I haven't in I don't know how long, but since then... not so. Not because I'm in a better place or whatever, probably just me blocking my emotions, as usual. And maybe I cried so much because I am so scared of what's next and how and what and how and how and will I ever?. It is not so a scare of the actual procedure [I'm sure fear of those inter-muscular injections will kick in when relevant.. and I was scared of the full bladder thing but think I'm calmer about it due to Dora's excellent advice (practice!) and also I understand that it's only when procedure is done with u/s (which is probably better and way more exiting for the "mother to be"), but at least I now know that it doesn't have to be..]. But the bureaucracy and how do you go about it and what do you do. I know I have to take it a step at a time. Right now I am waiting on those three tests, and still have to get what I have together and see that I have it all. Waiting? Paralyzed would be a more fitting word. [hopefully now that I wrote it, tomorrow morning I will move my beautiful ass and do something!]. But what I want to say, is that I'm doing (or wanting to do) not so because I believe, more because I need to know that I have tried. So I will be able to look back on my life, and say yes, I probably did leave it too late**, but I did try, I did give my best at becoming a mother.

Returning to those cookies.... Please don't laugh, but this is what my gingerbread men look like (I mean the ones that didn't burn [burn.. i.e first and third batch. yes, I am talented!]). Think I'll leave them like that, just can't be bothered trying to decorate them, and I only need one and for Friday and she really doesn't have to know that they usually have eyes and buttons etc



P.S
Just had to wash the almost 2 yrs old hair. I was asked if I wanted to join kid in her bath (was told she was looking for me :-]), and when I came they (father and grandmother) said - oh good you're here, we can go and take care of blah blah blah. How do you do that?? (wash an infant's hair, that is) She cried, I got all wet, but the job was done. And actually the best part is her mother who was down below, and must have heard, didn't finch. Oh, she always cries when washing her hair, she said when I asked how I should have done it. Nice to be trusted (shall I mention that it's the same sis who sends those pictures?).

* pinning. really don't know if pinning is also the term used else where. Anyway putting a message at the top of the board and keeping it there, at the top, for 2-3 days.

** Luckily here IUI and IVF are (could be) almost free. But using donor eggs/embryos or adopting? Not possible for singles/gay couples here, therefore way too expensive for me to even think in that direction [my financial condition? Far from good :-D]. [on the other hand, no clinic blinks an eye on doing IUI/IVF as single. pros and cons I guess..].