Monday, 28 December 2009

Doula

Finding a doula ............. √


A bit apprehensive about finding a doula (I always get stressed over things like that) I talked to sister #6 about it and she mentioned her friend who has just recently completed a doula course! I then got a number of another doula from a friend of mine, but as I do know my sister's friend, I' rather start with her. So I met with her today, and I am pleased and we are to meet again around month seven to practice positions and all.

I liked the fact that she also gave birth in the hospital I intend on going to (and just over three months ago, though she said it was a very quick birth as she was already with a nine opening when she came to the hospital [not her first birth, but the older ones were born in another hospital]), it does add to the feeling of comfort that the doula knows this place and from personal experience. Added bonus is the fact that she is ultra-orthodox (as in very very very religious) as is the hospital. Feels good that my doula is "one of them". But that was also a point of concern for me - what happens if I am to deliver on Shabbat?? Concerned both on me getting to the hospital and on her being there for me. She calmed me down on both issues. This hospital is situated in an ultra-orhtodox town and the roads going in are basically blocked on Saturday, and it's really not a place to be driving around in on a Saturday. She said it's o.k if I'm heading to the hospital, and what's more she suggested going by ambulance. As for her, she said that there should be no problem as she won't turn her phone off on Saturday so I could SMS her if needed. She then explained that a woman giving birth is "stronger" than the Shabbat even to the point of (for eg) turning the air-conditioning on/off if I request. I do hope I won't be giving birth on a Saturday, but good to know that it's not too bad if it does happen.

She said she came into being a doula after assisting her sister in birth and liking it, and then being there again for her and for her SILs births. All in all I'm not sure how many births she attended as a doula (her baby was crying at this point), but I think she does have some experience. And on the other hand she is quite new at it, so she is not exhausted and worned out and probably eager to do a good job.

As for paying her, she said that as she is still in her apprenticeship, she is only asking me to cover her expenses (like a baby-sitter for the kids, etc.). I do plan on giving her a nice sum (assuming of course all goes well..), but, well, nice that there isn't a high price tag on her service :-).

Saturday, 26 December 2009

different

I am very much aware that I am not the average person, far from it, and I have never been such and never will be. Sometimes I enjoy my differentiality, and sometimes it bothers me, why can't I just be like everyone else. One of the side "benefits" of becoming a mother (and s-o not the reason to, it would completely not be me if that would be the reason) is the feeling that here I am finally doing something like everyone else, I am finally normal.
Like going into all the delivery issues at such an early stage (and then reading other bloggers whose pregnancies are very much more advanced than me, doing that stuff now). And will add that I'm meeting a possible Douala on Monday, when I spoke to her on the phone she was - oh, you have plenty of time.... Yes, most people would probably start searching for a doula at a later stage, but I would rather know now :-). And the want to not have an epidural birth (and please please please - not a cesarean). I believe the majority of women want a painless birth , just give me the baby at the end of it, and I so want the experience, to be there and do it.

And usual for this unbelonging feeling, sometimes it still feels strange. Especially when being in a group of people who are so-called like me. I mean how can I be different when I am with these people who "by definition" are different??
Point be that today I had a day out with my SMC group. It was mostly lovely (although being such a social inept, it was also somewhat awkward), but then.. Started on the way there with this woman I took a ride with and her talking about how important it is to give birth in a hospital, just in case something goes wrong. I, on the other hand, am all for home birth's and really don't think births need or should take place in a hospital (assuming of course all is well with the pregnancy and all), and if I could I would have such a birth (but I can't). I tried saying something, but she went on and on, so I stopped myself - do I really need everyone to see how different I am!? And then at the picnic, looking at all the babies, all of them in disposable diapers (I am planning on using cloth diapers, and would love to try elimination communication [being without a diaper]), and these babies were put on blankets on the grass, and sometimes they got to the edge and put leaves/small branches/grass/etc into their mouths and their mothers' were quick to jump in and say "no" (I not only won't mind, but I think it's lovely how babies are interested in the real world and not really too keen on those plastic artificial toys we give them. And I think it's a great learning experience for them, as the mouth at these ages is the major way for them to sense the world). Though I did express here my views [sorry, couldn't help it..], the point was not to say this way is good or right and that is not, just that again there was this feeling of being different, of the stream going one way an I the other, a feeling that was somewhat intensified by being amongst a group of women who are definitely not the norm.



And then on the other hand.. while writing this post I stopped by a pregnancy board [want to add a "regular" board (meaning not women after treatment) where women are mostly young and.. and I do not have the highest opinion on them..]. Anyway there was a discussion there that started with a question about kissing your baby's private parts. It was more the reactions then the point of view, stating how it's appalling and disgusting and such. Now while I have to agree that it does not sound right to me, mainly because I am thinking of the mother kissing baby only down there, it could be the mother was covering baby all over with kissed and just didn't stop there. Still, it is probably much more of a clear cut and I assume we all agree that basically that's wrong, but the discussion continued to nudity, as in having your new born baby put on you while you're both not wearing anything and to kisses on the lips between parents and their little ones. Most comments were how awful and disgusting all the above [shall I add that I completely don't think so :-) that I see the human body, the bare human body, as such a wonderful thing and that nothing could be purer than mother and baby bonding....], and I think it was less the being for or against (though it probably "helped".. ) and more the language that was used. Talking about awful and appalling and disgusting and shocking. Language that clearly showed how they do not step out of their small box in which they lived. The exact same type of response I saw the other day when reading an old discussion about raising diaper free kids [do I have to add a "regular" baby-parent board, as in not on a natural parenthood board. I went there because someone referred to it] - appalling and disgusting and how awful are those parents (because their babies are obviously in poop all day, etc). Anyway, here I felt kind of good feeling different, to be thinking for myself and not being part of this herd (a herd who says about anything they don't know - disgusting; appalling; revolting; etc). And yes, it is easy to distinguish yourself from the herd when you come in advance with opposing views, and many times I am part of the herb that just says nay to something they never heard of, but today, after the uneasiness feeling that came with feeling different at the SMC meeting, it was nice ending it with feeling somewhat good about being different..

Saturday, 19 December 2009

on this and that

On name
I know the fact that I'd rather not mention the names makes it a bit more complicated to explain (and probably much more to understand.. Once she is born, I think I'll go Dora's & Calliope's way and embed the name in a pic, but not before then..), but anyway..
As I talked about it before, I had names (both first and second) for a boy and for a girl. Problem with girl's name is that it resembles another person's name in the family, first names are just very similar and the second name is after the same person so while one can be (for eg.) John and the other Johnny, the names are still too much alike. So I thought of taking boy's second name. Alas, now the girl will have the exact same name as the person she is named after, although in a reverse order. Worse is that this is a male relative of my father, so they'll also share the same last name, so it is really the same name. I do not want her to be a complete replica of another person's life. On top of that, both names are boy's names. Now while I don't mind a girl with a boy's name, I think that having both names such is a bit too much. So.. not a good solution.
I tried thinking maybe finding another person to name her after or giving girl this person's other name, but it doesn't feel right. Another thought was trying to find a new first name, but I actually love the name I have and do not want to change it. So I am now back to square one, with the original name I wanted to give her. So one person will be William Johnny and the other Gillian John....
Now I have to figure when to tell folks here about her name. On one hand, the further the better. On the other hand, talking to her I sometimes use her name and I might one day be overheard, and I don't want it to be known like that..
And I just want to add that now that I'm pretty sure this is the name (or maybe due to writing the last post or maybe both..) I am beginning to feel a bit more connected to her, a bit more on the path towards bonding.

On iron
That I am low on my hemoglobin and iron etc does not surprise me. So I have to take iron and B12 and prenatals. Bad enough having to take iron on a full stomach but without eating milk products or eggs plus minus taking it (eggs I hardly eat, but no milk products??), but as my iron numbers are still very low, I have to take the iron TWICE a day. Twice a day having a meal that does not contain milk products?? That's changing completely my eating habits!
On a side note let me just say that lately I am eating too much junk, so I probably should be doing something about my eating habits!

On blood type
When choosing the donor, before being told that X is the only one checked for the genetic disease I'm a carrier of and therefore picking him, I was trying to think how I'll go about choosing a donor. First donor I went with sis and we chose together. Second time.. really seems less important who or what he is [take into account the minimum data I get], so I decided blood type would be a good way. As I am A+, I wanted donor to have that same blood type so that my child will also be an A+, and I was happy that non-carrier donor was indeed also an A+. Only now I learn that baby girl can be A+ or A- or O+ or O- damn.... O.K it really isn't a big deal, I mean I could have been a minus and having to deal with antibody issues and all, it was just a wow moment for me.

On the house front
Was doing my bookcase, when the idea of moving it down to my entrance came to mind. Coming into my house, there's this entrance that straight away leads to stairs going up to my place. Not very much space down there, but I do believe the bookcase could fit nicely. Now while I prefer not saying why I really love the idea of moving it down (some kind of phobia of mine [-: ), I will say that I'm loving it on other accounts. First and foremost it will make a nice space for a crib.
Basically I am going to co-sleep. First there was the issue of space, but I do also love the idea of not getting out of bed in order to nurse, and being near her at night and all (though I do mean to put a pillow between us, so I don't accidentally roll on her). But then, what if I find that co-sleeping is not for me? I do want to have the option of putting her in a crib if needed. Furthermore, I am really frightened of her sleeping alone in the bed. One thing when I'm there with her at night, another thing during the day when I might be sleeping and might not. So having her in the crib for day time sleeping sounds like a better solution to me :-).

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Bonding? When?

I am not really feeling anything towards my little Birdy. I am singing, but not feeling like I'm singing to her, more just enjoying myself singing. And talking to her and thinking of her, but again, doesn't so much feel like it's to her, more like to the air.
And the pics of her. I heard that one big side benefit of the u/s scans is the early bonding that occures. I look at these pictures, the one of her feet and, cute and all, I still don't feel much towards her. Maybe beacause I find it hard to believe that those little feet are really inside me, and maybe sight is not enough and I need to smell and touch them (and taste? I bet they are yummy :-)).
So I am waiting to feel something towards her, waiting for this love to come and wash me away. O.K, not wash me away, but something, some kind of positive feeling to this thing growing in me whom I named (for the time being of-course..) Birdy, something beyond being happy (and completly disbelieving) I am pregnant. It kind of surprises me, this luck of feeling to her, and then again it doesn't. The first time I got a positive, I was amazed how I already felt love for what was far from being anything recognizable. Now maybe if it were a valid pregnancy, this love would have faded until it grew back again, I don't know, I just want to feel that again.
Maybe when I start feeling her, to actually feel she is in me, maybe, hopefully, then something will start? Ah... at least two more weeks and counting..

Friday, 11 December 2009

At the Beach ??

First wanted to say that I've decided on my (our) song.. Twinkle twinkle didn't quite feel right. Especially after finding the whole song (and not just the first and most known verse). Well for start it talked about how the star helps the traveller in the dark. While I want her to be thoughtful and caring of others, I think she should first and foremost learn to care for herself. But what really made me say no, was the staying awake all night! Hey, I might be a night owl, loving the night much more from the day, but please baby do sleep at night! [btw, interesting thing I read - the same hours a pregnant (probably towards the end) woman wakes up to go and pee, will be the hours baby, after birth, will be waking at night. Seems s/he got used to waking up at those times..]. Anyway our song is Brahms Lullaby :-)


Had my early level II scan today :-) [early as we have here an early one at about 15 weeks and a late one around 22 weeks]. Someone seems to think she's [and yes, confirmation she is indeed a she :-)] at the beach, lying there leg on leg.. She is fine and all :-) Not sure my bladder is.. going to the toilet a lot (three times last night! and of course had to go in the morning like I never went just a short while before...) And that dildo cam.. not a pleasure. I even went twice to the toilet while waiting for my turn (an hour!), but still my bladder really did not like the dildo cam. A few times I was about to shout stop and run to the toilet. Of course I was much better once he took it out of me :-) But oh my, not looking forward for that third trimester when she presses my bladder..
At the end, besides the regular pictures they always give, I also got a CD of the scan, i.e the actual scanning with her moving and all :-). Very exciting the thought of being able to watch her again whenever I want :-).


Sunday, 6 December 2009

Lullabies and Goodnight

When I was a kid, my grandmother (who lived too far away in England) would come about once a year for a visit. Those visits were so precious and I always looked forward for her coming. One of the things I remember so favourably were her lullabies. You see, bedtime routine was grown ups telling us it's bedtime and time to kiss everyone goodnight, and we would have to go round and kiss everyone and then take ourselves to bed. Yes, I was probably quite a big girl by then and I do vaguely remember earlier years when my mother would put my two younger sisters to sleep and I would join them for the Sh'ma (though I can't remember what happened next, did I now go to my room to sleep or what..), but I always yearned for my mother to come and kiss me goodnight and maybe sing a lullaby or two. Because one of the things I remember most favourably about my grandmother's visits were her lullabies. We would be sent to bed, 4 girls in two rooms, and as we were the older pair we would have to wait for her to finish the routine with my younger sisters, and then she would come.. and sing and her warm soft hand would pet us, such sweet moments (though with bunk-beds and going from one granddaughter to the other, it was also a somewhat limited joy). I have no idea how good (or bad) she was at singing. Unfortunately I can hardly remember her voice. But I do know how I absolutely loved her being there with us, singing to us, and so that is one thing which will be important for me to do with my kid/s [note - could very well be that mother did sing to us when we were little (very little), I just have no recall].
So step number one is recalling what she sang to us.. There was this song (well this one was more saying than singing) about this little doll that was lost and something about a cow and something about her (the doll) being in a bad state. That is what I remembered for years, and from time to time I tried asking, but no one could remember anymore, thanks to google and for being more than ever determined, I finally found my song! Oh, I was so so happy to find it! (The Lost Doll. And to know I was not imagining the cow. lol. Though I do also have a faint memory of doll on swing, but it might have been another song, or maybe how I visioned it while she sang, doll falling from swing to mad.. yeah, probably another song). And then there were some surprising discoveries, like Run Rabbit being a bit more than the chores she sang, and Golden Slumbers, the one that always finished her lullaby routine, not being Gold and Slumbers* [which who knew what it meant..], not to mention there is a second verse.. Unfortunately those are the three songs I remember, but I am pretty sure there were more, must have been! Hope maybe my cousins might be able to enlighten me as to those other songs (those lucky ones grew up with her close by..).

~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~ּ ~ּ~

And I read that my little one can now hear. Yes, it is the very early of hearing, and I think for start only deep voices, but now that she can hear I want to start singing to her. Funny how within about 24 hours I had sister telling me about having a special song you sing to baby in belly and the effects of that special song on baby later on after birth, and then I read the same thing in this book I happen to pick up, how the special song sang during pregnancy had calming effects on baby, and I will add that this is an old book of mine I never really got round to reading [was never relevant..], and then last night trying to do my library I came across it and started reading it...
So.. now I'm trying to come up with our special song. I started of with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, mainly because of the line: "How I wonder what you are" (and was even trying to make my own lyrics, not too successful, but also wondering if I should..), went on to - You Are My Sunshine, and well, it was a no for me. I very much do not want my grandmother's lullabies. Those I'm "keeping" for the time when I will actually be singing lullabies to her. Maybe Twinkle Twinkle was not such a bad choice after all?



* O.K must add her gobless which only years later I learnt was actually God Bless.. I am sure she said it right and all, it was just my childhood ears...

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

miscellaneous

* hospital
I was debating between hospitals T and L (previous post) with a tendency towards L. There is now a new hospital that came into the picture, one that I wasn't aware of - M, and I think I am really liking this option! Though they do not have a natural birth centre like L has, I hear they are very easy going with natural births (unlike T which are very medically oriented, i.e they will let you have a natural birth [and pay a very high sum for their natural birth centre], but on the smallest thing they will stop that and have you continue with a doctor). The big advantage, actually is their location - they are so much nearer than L. Oh, and the price, as it won't be in a natural birth centre (since they don't have one..), but in the "normal" delivery room, it will be without cost. A huge sigh of relief from someone whose finances are not the greatest.
If I do go with M, I think I will go with whatever midwife is on call, and find a doula (previously I thought I'd go without one).
Yes, I think I am liking this option very much now, and I think I can calm down with the where question. I know I am very early, but I really want to have a good birth. Now I sit and wait till about week 32 when I'll do the tours.

* pregnancy yoga
Pregnancy yoga was something I was thinking of doing in the early days of trying, but somehow kind of forgot about it. Reading the book "Active Birth" and seeing how it could be very good and useful for the birth itself, I am very much thinking of it again.
I discovered that my little (or shall I say - very little) town has a yoga place, and that they have pregnancy yoga! Or at least that's what they say on the web site. I hope they do have and that the hours are good for me. If not, well, I'll go some place else, it just could be so convenient. [note to self - phone and find out tomorrow! It is probably a good time now to start doing the yoga]

* stairs
Since I really do not like lifts (am kind of claustrophobic), I have my three floor rule - up till the third floor I use the stairs, beyond that I use the lift. As I am so not fit and hardly do any physical activity, I do see it as at least doing something.. Though I really do not like the idea of being closed in a lift, most lifts are bearable, but there is this one lift I pass - an old and very small one in a building where a pupil of mine lives. And she lives on the sixth floor! And while I don't run it or the likes, up till not long ago it wasn't too bad. But it is now starting to get a little bit difficult, and I am wondering when I will have to give in and use the lift.

* tummy
None yet. Well actually there is something, but not anymore than the big belly I had before (before last attempt I actually did lose some weight, and my tummy did go down, so now it's "back" to what it was). My trousers still fit me fine, not even tight on me.. Yes, maybe it is still early (week 14. think I'm gonna find me a ticker :-)), and checking back every day doesn't make it grow faster (a watched pot...), but people complaining how so early they couldn't hide being pregnant, and reading (I think it was in week 8!) how my trousers should start being tight on me.. And you know, I'm not too sure if I want to be showing. I mean on one hand I want very much, for me (as it is still too early to feel her, let me at least have some physical evidence of her existence..) and for others (yes, I want people around me to see and know..). On the other hand.. don't know if I'm ready for the world to know, and then there will be the need to buy maternity clothes.

* name
The day of the NT (when I found out I'm having a girl), I was asked if I'm thinking of her as *&^% [insert girl's name]. Well it was too early back then, but I am beginning now..
Anyway I did (and might still) have a problem with her name, as it is too similar to a member of my family.
Before I continue, a small explanations about my chosen names: As I posted a while back, it was important for me to have some kind of connection to both my mother's and father's side, as this child won't have another side of his/her family. I had a boy's name that was made of a first name I loved, and a second name that happened to fit both my parent's sides. As for a girl, I had a first name I really liked which happens to be of importance in my father's side, and a second name from my mother's side.But as I said, this name (first and second) are just too close to this other person. So I tried to come up with a new first name, but really couldn't find something I loved [and I do have a list of requirements..]. So the second name had to be changed, and I think I'll take "boy's" second name (and declare that first name is just out of love for that name..). Problem that now arises is that now it is exactly the same name (though reversed - 1st name is 2nd and 2nd is 1st) of person whose second name she will carry (the one from my father's side). Not too sure how I feel about that (and really not keen on finding a new second name).

* television
[sorry this is becoming a long post, that's how it goes when you don't post for too long but do have things bubbling up. lol]
When I worked as a nanny, after seeing how the kids were glued to the TV and didn't even notice their parents leave, I came to a decision that I do not want this with my kids. I would very much like to avoid TV as much as possible till about the age of two (not that I will go wild then, but I really don't like the concept of a little baby watching TV). As a first step, I took out my TV set I had and gave it to my mum. But well, not so easy to stop watching.. so I watch at my mum's place. Now not as often as I would had the TV been here, and on the TV I gave her which is not connected to cables so has only 2 stations, but still.. Anyway as personal example is important, I do have to get used to no TV at all! So, the decision was made that beginning of week 14 (wanted to say - second trimester, but actually not sure if I have began it or if it's next week..) I am only allowed one programme a week.. Hope I manage to keep up with this :-).

Sunday, 15 November 2009

hospitals.. midwives..

Yes, I know I have plenty of time, but then again :-)

Personally I would love to have a home birth, but as that's not exactly a possibility (well, if I really really wanted to I guess I could, but well.. I guess I rather not get into that), a natural birth in a hospital is the next best thing.

3 hospitals - T, B & L.
T is the local hospital (in fact the one in which my sperm bank is located). It is a good big hospital with a very good reputation. They do have some kind of natural birth centre, but their orientation is medical, and very quickly and over any little thing will have you continue the birth with a doctor. That is something I do not want happening. Yes, it is a hospital and if something goes wrong, good that there are doctors around, but I would prefer not being rushed to the doctor on any little thing. So I am very much against giving birth there.
As for B, it is located a bit further (T is not more than a 15 minute drive) away, but still quite reasonably close. I think they do have some kind of natural birth centre, but not quite sure how they are about it. I think they are probably more or less like T - quick to send to the doctor.
So now we come to L. A little hospital, maybe not the best of names, but their natural centre... oh, such a good reputation! I am reading a lot, and it only has good recommendations. They go with you all the way on the natural thing, let you have the birth you want. Only problem is the distance - about an hour's drive. Oh, and their maternity ward (where I'll be after birth) is lousy! Obviously not a point in their favour, but o.k, I'll live with that, it's the distance that might be an issue.

Talked today to sister #1 who I want to be with me during the birth, and she told me how there was this hospital she was planning to go to when giving birth to her daughter, and how the water broke so she ended up going to the nearest one (T) and how she was very pleased.
And I don't know.. I very much want to give birth in L, but what happens if I make all these plans and end up rushed to whatever hospital.
The thing is what I know is from reading and all, not from actually seeing the place(s). I have plenty plenty plenty of time until I do the hospital tours, and only much later (with confirmation that all is well and I can have a natural birth, and the size of the baby and all), will I be able to register to the natural health centre.

But then there is the midwife issue. I do not want a Douala in my birth. Don't know, I just don't fancy some strange woman in my most private and intimate moments so called there for me. But I do want to give birth with a midwife, one whose orientation is natural births (and hopefully no doctor!). I understand that I can just go with the natural centre, and whatever midwife is on call will be with me, or pay for a private midwife (let me just add that giving birth at a natural birth centre is also not free and not exactly cheap, whereas just giving birth in a hospital doesn't cost). Going with whoever is on duty is a big gamble, as I understand all midwifes do rounds also in the natural centre, so I could end up with really anyone. So I prefer paying and knowing I can be calm about that. Now there are a few who are very much recommended, one in particular, but not sure how far ahead I should book her. I think now should be a good time to try (I think better being early than late and hearing she's fully booked. In fact the one with all those recommendations, I heard she doesn't take anymore new patients, but then today I heard that due to some personal issues she is not taking new patients in the near future, so maybe I'll be able to have her..). But I have so many questions, like what if baby ends up with in a breech position which will mean no natural birth, or if she's too big etc. At the hospital I can only register from about week 32 (or something like that), so I'm calm about that. But not sure how it goes with a midwife and if I want to ensure she will be with me at the birth and all.. And this midwife with all the recommendations, well how do I know she is the one for me? Besides her knowing her work and all and a good chemistry between us, what am I looking for in her? And I haven't yet read the book "active birth" which I really want to (in fact, haven't yet bought it), so I feel like if I schedule an appointment now, it will still be a bit early knowledge wise (I would like to come to the meeting knowing a bit more..). But then again, if the good midwifes are snatched, I prefer being an early bird here.
A bit early for Perfect Monday.. Oh well, I'll do the linking later on. Actually wanted to write this post last week, but I was so damn tired! (and trying to catch up on blog reading. almost there :-) )

I Capture
Perfect Moments

I think it was towards the end of last year when my sister asked if I would teach her son English (which is what I do for a living..). Well, of course, I would love to! The kid said yes, and we tried setting an example lesson so he gets an idea, except every time we tried, he wasn't willing to. So we let go.

Then this year me and my mother pick him up from kindergarten, and what a change! This is a boy who was very dependent on his mother and really didn't like to be far from her. Let alone come over to us.

A little detour for an explanation.. I live in a separate unit in my mum's house (though I probably spend too much time at her place..), and my sister's house is right next door. One goes out of sister's back door and into my mother's garden - very easy and safe to go from one house to the other.

So he would come to us a lot with his mother (who comes a lot), but never on his own, and never stays if she has to go. And this year we do the picking up and bringing him home to the nanny (end of kindergarten is usually baby sister's nap time..), and it is so wonderful and amazing to see the change. Yes, maybe he is growing a bit older, but I'm sure it's a lot to do with this new bonding we have with him. He now comes over freely to my mother's house whenever he feels like it, stays and all. One day, as I was still in the street, I heard him calling out my name again and again and again, wanting to come in.. too funny!

And then he came up to me and asked me to teach him English! Don't think his mother talked to him about it, I definitely dropped the subject, so it was kind of out of the blue. His mother does speak (or tries to speak) in English to his little sister, and he does have a game of some kind teaching En, and we do speak it with our mother, so it's not a strange concept for him, but still..

So last week we had our first lesson. Was so funny how he straightened his back when the lesson began, looking so serious! I'm keeping the lessons short, so as not to overwhelm him, with a plan of gradually increasing (not something I can do with my regular pupils :-) ). Anyway, later that day, he came up to me with a few books - some kind of sticker-workbook which he said he'll teach me; a workbook in Hebrew (doing letters) which he asked me to teach him (no! I rather not confuse English and Hebrew lessons. That is something you can do with your nanny or mother..); and a nursery rhyme book he wanted me to use for the lesson (which at first I said no, but you know what, if it gives him pleasure, I can read a rhyme he choose every lesson, and give him the general idea [but boy, trying to translate them is not easy!]). Like he discovered this new world of me.. And just a few minutes ago he came up to me, proudly telling me that he knows some words in English (cow, dog and cat, if you must..), so I don't need to teach him those words. That was so funny!


And now, please go over to Lori's blog to see other perfect moments!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

The NT Scan

Well, I'll start with the great news - excellent results! Both nose bone and NT.


A little word to Birdy - as much as I enjoy seeing you, and can't take my eyes off you and would love to be there the whole day, when the dr. tries to turn you around, oh please do turn! Don't think my bladder could have taken much more poking from the dildo cam. lol. But yeah, you're stubborn like you're mother..


And...

Birdy's a girly!!!!!

As he explained to me, that thing sticking out between the feet - at this stage both boys and girls have it, but whereas with boys it is at some kind of angle, with girls it is parallel to the butt, or something like that. He did say it is not 100%, but 80% sounds good enough to me!
Oh, I am so happy to be having a girl. All the way home I had such a smile on my face, which switched to crying out of excitment.
I am having a girl!

GIRL or BOY ?

Later on today I'll be having the NT scan. Sister #3 said that with all of her kids (3) that's when she was told the gender, so maybe today I'll know.. I'm not having my hopes high and I know if and whatever they see won't be final because it is still early, but still..

So, boy.. girl.. boy.. girl... what do the cards hold for me? And does it matter if it's a boy or a girl? Read the other day a post by Calliope about this company advertising toys as either boys' (pages or blue and only boys are featured playing) or girls' (pink and only girls get to play with these toys). I think that it's very sad how we push a gender role into our kids at such an early age. I have a nephew whose mother weened him from his sheep(s) because while o.k for a baby, was not o.k for a boy (my boy playing with dolls!?) and a niece who when father came with a gift helmet for brother and also wanted, was told it's not for girls and he'll get her something else (a doll??) and another nephew (a baby) who is always dressed in blue, etc.. I so don't believe in that kind of behaviour. I believe in giving both boys and girls the chance to play with dolls and trucks and wear pink and red and blue and mauve. I think it can only enhance their experience, make their lives more fuller. Yes, if my boy chooses he doesn't want to play with dolls, that's fine with me, as long as it is a choice that came from him (or her, of course..) and not because what society dictates.

As for this child growing in me, he must be a boy! I mean with a name like Birdy.. I didn't choose this name thinking of gender, but in the aftermath it sounds very masculine to me. Even my sister (without me saying a thing) mentioned that Birdy must be a boy. The main reason why I actually would rather not to have a boy, is that cutting business at 8 days. I think I rather not have a Brit, but not completely sure how I feel about it, but I don't feel like I really have a choice in the matter. If I want and will need help (and I'm sure I will), I cannot not have this ceremony. I once, on an old blog way before I was actually thinking of becoming an SMC, posted about the pros and cons of such an act. I saw it as a three way question - religious, health and social. As for as health, from the little I read I saw it went both ways. Religious was (is) the point that actually annoys me as it means only males are truly Jewish.. couldn't they choose to have an ear pierced or something that would enable women to be part too?? And then there's the social side. A big one here in a Jewish state where the vast majority of males are circumcised. And writing that post back then, not even saying I'm against, just mentioning that maybe not, I was so shocked by the comments I got. People who religion means nothing really to them, were saying how can I do this to a child..
I am also scared, with a boy, into falling into this place where he has to be strong and the man of the house and all. I am thinking less of baby/child-hood, and more as a young adult. Frightened that he will feel the need to protect his mother, because, well, he's the man..

A boy?? You kidding me!? I mean she is a girl for sure! Just look at her due date, three days after my birthday. My birthday is 5 days before my mother's, and while my mother always loved this, for me it always seemed too close. While I never did or didn't cycle according to the supposed due date, I kept saying to myself how I don't want to give birth at around my birthday.. let my child have their own independent day. So if the EDD is that close to my birthday, she must be a girl! (a boy, being a boy will have his difference, whereas as two women..)
On the positive side, I always thought that first daughter's and mum's have such a great relationship! I know now I was mistaken, but growing up I always envied my eldest sister for the relation she had with my mother. In my eyes they seemed so close and I so wanted to have that closeness with my mother.
But then again.. there's the name I chose. Her name is too similar to another member of the family. I like the name I chose, and I will (probably) go with it, but I don't think I like it being so similar. Oh well, the first name just happens to be alike and the second name will be after the same person. And then there's my daughter being a teenager, or maybe a bit older (much older, I hope!), asking me about my sex life and all the boy girl stuff, and what do I tell her... I mean if my boy asks for advice about how to be with a girl, I think I'll be more at ease with answering, but a girl asking for boy tips!?

And the wanting to know.. for many years I was very much in the - let me be surprised at birth. Lately I feel I have to know, because if it's a boy, I have to at least mentally prepare myself for the Brit. But then I was asked the other day if I want to know, and you know what, regardless of Brit or no Brit, yes, I do want to know. I do want to be happy and thrilled about having a girl or a boy, I do want this early bonding with my child. And yes, I will be overjoyed with whatever I have!

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Fears

Fears. This weekend two fears became strong. Neither of them is new, but while up till not so long ago I was focusing on trying to become pregnant (and then a few weeks for it to seep in. to tell the truth, I still find it hard to believe..) and could put them in the back of my mind as something to deal with later, I am now "free" to face them. The birth and becoming a mother.

Friday, long last sister #6 brought the pregnancy books I asked for. Well actually it was mainly one book, some interesting leaflets about breastfeeding and other stuff and a book or two about child raising. Funny thing actually as this book about pregnancy is a book I once gave her (and completely forgot about), a book which I found one day thrown in the street.. Anyway this book.. flicking through it, I come to the chapter about child delivery. Now I think I do know quite a bit about it (read birth stories on blogs, watched those hospital realities in the delivery room, heard birth stories from women around me, etc). Yes, I'm sure I have plenty to learn, now that it's real, and my knowledge is still a third person's impression, but my point is that it's not that glancing at that chapter made me realise giving birth is no picnic, and the birth was always something that kind of scared me. But now it's feeling like I do not have a choice - I have this child growing in me, and whether I like it or not, this child will need to come out :-). Paradox probably as my dream delivery is a natural one, without an epidural and all, and definitely not a c-section. I want to have that kind of birth (and should start reading the book - active birth, the bible, as I understand, for natural births..), and I fear it (actually I fear an epidural birth more..).

Becoming a mother. Being a mother. Gosh, I feel so not ready for this, but like I will never be. I know I have nine moths to get ready and all (shhh... please don't tell me less two months (-; ), but how does one make that switch? How does one turn into a parent? I want to be a mother more than anything, but oh my, it is a scary transition. Hearing sisters #3 & #6 talking about their little ones, I just felt so not ready for this. Not that it would make a difference if I got pregnant in 6 months time, a year, 6 years, or whenever. As I said, feels like I will never be ready to become a mother.


P.S
First storm and I'm out of Internet for a week.. Actually, I now know it was an easy fix, but I waited a week for my brother in law. Anyway, I am so behind on my blog reading. I will catch up, but it will probably take me some time :-).

Sunday, 1 November 2009

4.5

Run into this questionnaire that is supposed to calculate my projected life span. O.K, just for the fun of it, I decided to do it, I mean how can a questionnaire determine how long I am to live??
Since I do not smoke or drink and I think I eat more or less healthy and I am a very healthy person, add to that not too many major illnesses/conditions in family, I did expect a nice figure. Last time I did such a questionnaire, I got years deducted because of grandparents not living too long [though my two grandmothers died in car accidents, nothing related to health issues], so maybe not an astonishing 90 or 80, but surely at least 70!
I so didn't expect to see
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
43.3!
I just had to laugh at this. Trying to figure if it's because I'm short or refused to answer the income question, or maybe not answering the sex question. No, must have been all those car questions I couldn't answer (no, don't know if "my driver" is usually male or female, as I usually take the bus for the same matter, I don't know his/her age etc..).
So, 4.5 years they are giving me!



Talking about 4.5 years... Let me tell you about this conversation I had with my nephew today [he's 4.5.. ]:

L: I make my mother carrot juice every Friday and Saturday! [Every Fri-Sat!? He sometimes helps GM make, as we (my mother, his mother and me love fresh carrot juice)]
me: Very nice of you :-).
L: Grandma has the machine and we have the carrots.
me: O.K..
L: So I'll go and get the carrots [we were at my mother's house, he is a neighbour, and lately he comes and goes freely. One of the advantages of picking him up (me once a week, my mother 4 times). It is nice that he feels free to come whenever he wants]
me: But it's Sunday today! [really not in the mood of making a mess (well of cleaning up the mess), and it's not like he really likes carrot juice]
L: Yes, it's on Sunday's and Friday's that I make my mother carrot juice.
me: hmmmm...
L: I'll make carrot juice for my mum!
me: But she won't be home from work until later.. [you might have switched the days, but you're not going to zap your mother home from work..]
L: So I'll make carrot juice for P and E (=nanny and little sister).
- there was probably something here about whether they like/want -
me: O.K, but I have to go, so go tell P (the nanny) if she wants to make some carrot juice, to come over. [knowing she won't..]

So tell me - who is the more stubborn one? [I probably won on technicality, being the older one..]

Thursday, 29 October 2009

What Bugs You

Mel in her ungame post, had the question: "What is something that really bugs you?". [and let me just add that I loved that chaining game. I am not looking to add new blogs to my reader as right now I hardly manage to empty my reader as it is (too many wonderful blogs..), but it was nice peeking into a random blog :-)]

What bugs me? Well many things :-) but let me stick to the big and main bug. My house and how it looks. Messy and not clean. Or should I say very messy and very not clean.. not a place for a baby. And I just can't bring myself to work on it, and that scares me. There are renovations I am dreaming on doing here, and I know that would be a lovely place to be in, making the house fit for a baby. But before I can do any of that, I first need to have the place in a better condition. And I can't seem able to do anything about it. Don't know if it's lack of motivation or energy or what. Yes, I am still quiet tired (though less then before), but that shouldn't stop me! So I won't tackle it all in one, two days, but I should be able to do a little bit here and a little bit there.. But no, I do nada. While ttc, my place was in better and worse conditions, I had my ups and downs in trying to make it clean and tidy, but I always had the "excuse" that it was a difficult time emotionally which left me completely energyless. Not that now I'm full of energy (on the contrary!), but I'm more than half way past the first trimester. Time truly does fly, and only too soon I will be big and heavy and really unable to do much. And remember I still have the renovation I want to be done. I am lucky not to have nausea, I really should start working on my house.

Friday, 23 October 2009

2 in 1 (how's that for a title..)

I think it was Wednesday when I had the cramps. Actually it was so mild I'm not sure I can call it cramps.. And that made me so happy. Googling what's happening this week, I read how my uterus is stretching itself and how I might feel some cramps. Well yes, everything is fine and happening like it should! (although not quite sure I understand - according to what I read, while my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, little Birdy is the size of a grape. That's plenty of space, no? Oh well, my body probably knows best, and if it wants my uterus to expand now, so be it..).
Add to that the no bleeding yesterday, which to tell the truth I kind of expected (the not bleeding, that is) and maybe the time that's passing leading me deeper and deeper into pregnancy, and I am one happy camper. Just feeling so zen about it. And you know what, the almost lack of symptoms, the no morning sickness the very mild (if) nausea, just runs in the family - seems none of my sisters or mother suffered too much from the above. So I guess I'm just lucky :-).
Happy. Happiness has finally sank in :-). As I said, time factor probably has a big part. No, I'm still in the dreaded first trimester and have about another month of that, but hey - by now nothing can go wrong! Yes, I haven't experienced a miscarriage, and surely had I had such a terrible thing happen, I wouldn't be so calm and relaxed, but I haven't and I am calm and relaxed.


I also wanted to talk about this movement therapy I'm doing. This woman who is finishing her training as a movement therapist (well, not exactly sure how it's called in En) offered on a fertility board to guide a group. At the time I was in the middle of my two (three) week wait. I was certain that I was up for another negative, and working on my body, giving it a different, more positive experience than what I was doing to it (you know, all those shots and blood tests and scans and hormones etc). But then came my positive, and I was not sure whether I fit in. After all it is a group for those who are trying to conceive, and I... We were (are, she's going to try "selling" this group again, hoping more people will join) a very small group (only three!). Not sure about my place, it was nice to hear one of the other participants say how my positive makes her optimistic.
And then there was today's session with only me and the above person. We begin each session by telling others what happened this week. And she started (I am always too shy to start..) and what a difficult week she had, fertility and other stuff. Eventually she burst into tears and had a good cry (later she said how it did her good to get it all out). And I was sitting there, not able to put a hand around her or something. As she calmed down, she pointed to me and said it was my turn.. How can I say how wonderful I feel about this pregnancy, how I am in this clam, when she is after yet another cycle that didn't work?? So we decided to start with the moving and later, if I felt up to it, I would talk. And so I told about my "adventures" (including seeing the heart beat [because I missed previous session due to the bleeding] and the bleeding and the shortness of breath [I thought I was coming up with something until suddenly it hit me - it's not me it's the med. Sure enough, googling Gestone, shortness of breath is one of the side effects.. anyway it was only three days] etc). And then she thanks me! Said how hearing all these little details, with the worries and the excitements and all, how this all gives her hope.
Again I am not sure if I belong (back then I still had the bleeding and the somewhat worry that gave me (in my eyes) the right to be. And with the recruiting of new people.. She might be moving the group to a new location which will be too out of the way for me, if that happens, problem solved :-). But I do so much enjoy it.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

This is my Sky. She was my companion for about 13 years, and she was such an amazing companion! I got her while I was still living at my parents house, but nevertheless, from the very first moment she knew she was mine. I am still sorry how in one of our first walks I disappointed her - there was this big female dog (I think a bulldog) who stood over her and wouldn't let go, and I was too frightened to do anything.. But she never disappointed me! She was so loving and caring, in fact she helped me not only with Jupiter but also with kittens beforehand, and she even brought home once a stray dog. Probably nothing like your first pet :-). I had to put her to sleep on the seventh of September (2005).

As much as I loved her and as much as she was everything to me, I do believe that all those years with her I was stuck, stayed where I was and didn't really do anything with my life. I had my companion, so why move on!? About a year after her death I started going to therapy with the aim of becoming a mother, and quite soon after I began on my journey towards motherhood.

And now I am almost there :-). And I don't know how I didn't see this before, how it totally escaped me, me who was always looking for signs in the numbers and dates and all, like having an insemination on the 8.8.08 must mean a baby! after all it is a lucky date..
I'm talking here about the retrieval, the day my eggs were withdrawn and met with the sperm, the first day of my future child's life. Don't know how I missed it, but it was on the seventh of September! The same day my dog died, my child was created! I do believe there is something to it and that it's not just plain coincidence.



P.S
Another amazing fact: I am a Gemini, Sky was a Gemini, Jupiter is a Gemini and my baby (due 3 days after my 40th birthday!) will most likely be a Gemini! (oh, and might I add that besides my mother and sister, also all my four grandparents were Geminis..)

Friday, 16 October 2009

Last night I bled again.. As it was much less than last time and as I now know why and what to do, I was much less concerned than last time, but apparently I'm not going to get a smooth pass into the second trimester*. As I am not really having nausea (well I am a bit, but it's so light, I won't really count it) I probably am going to have fun with bleeding..
Anyway, I am to take Gestone for the next few days and then we'll see. Gestone. That's an IM injection, and I blew it last time (with the Pregynal), so needless to say I was a bit nervous with this. I am usually o.k with needles, but it got into my mind that it will be an awfully long and thick needle, something I can not do alone. Last night I dreamt of this huge needle.. And today on the way there, I was wondering who will be able to help me with it (had two people in mind). Well I go and have a nurse give me the injection and ask her to show me. And, o.k she broke the ampule and drew the stuff, and I think as it's a long needle and you need a long one, it's probably going to be the same needle used for the shot, and then I have a look at the thickness of the thing, and OMG! But, yeah, that was just me freaking out as she then changed it into a much thinner one.. (and later, when I asked if the needles I got were o.k, she gave me both kinds, mentioning how you need a thicker than usual needle to withdraw this stuff..).
Another concern of mine was regarding the place. After today, I now know I did have the right place back then (so it was either a needle issue, or a fault with that batch or that my body doesn't respond to Pregnyal). Nevertheless, I have now marked the place :-). And yes, it was really not as terrible as I thought, and I'm sure I can do it alone (just a bit of maneuvering in front of a mirror).

* yeah, l-o-n-g time till then :-)


P.S
On my previous post I had a typo, sorry about that. I meant to ask whether I should call the fetus birdie or Birdie, as in to capitalize or not. But then I saw in the comments what word the last three letters create, and oh no! So, I think I'll go with Birdy..

Oh, and there was another thing I wanted to say on that post and forgot about. Nevermind, she will now get a post of her own..

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

My Birdie

[warning: scan ahead]
Oh, wow, I'm really turning into a preg blogger..

So, yes, I had my scan last night. Ended up going with both my mother and sister #5 [oh, I'm just saying who it was for my record, so later on if I read old posts, I won't have to break my head over who it was..], which was quite nice. My mother does have a tendency to embarrass me, like when the dr. is asking me all these questions and she jumps in and answers instead of me. Please let me answer the questions, I think I know best.. Anyway...
As for the bleeding - don't remember what (the sac or the placenta or what), but there is a spot where it is not attached to the uterus, maybe sitting on a blood vessel, and that's what caused the bleeding. He was a bit concerned and told me that if it happens again, I am to take Gestone. Lets hope that doesn't happen :-).

And now that I'm done with the gloomy part of this post, let me go to the merry part - I had the scan and all is well. There is a pregnancy sac and a yolk sac and a heart beat. Oh, that is so incredibly amazing to watch - this little blob and nothing yet to it, but a beating heat. I was teary eyes watching it. And my little one, don't know how well you can see from this image, but it so looked like a little bird, so for now I'll be calling it birdie! (or should I Berdie?)

Sunday, 11 October 2009

46614

Oh wow, I guess I'm not getting rid of this little bean that easy.. (no, 9 months and the hard way! Gosh, don't want to think of that!).
Thank you all for your support, it meant a lot to me!

Funny, when I thought I probably lost it, when I thought it's going to be a not (because - me pregnant!? please!) I wasn't too sad. Like I really don't feel pregnant, and not just the lack of symptoms [which let me just update - something is beginning to happen in the boob department!] but really the unbelieving that it actually happened, like I was (am) too scared to get attached, in denial, more living in an in-between zone were I'm not having a period but also not injecting or going every other day to the clinic etc. So loosing it was kind of o.k (no, not really, I probably would have crashed if I got a low number today). What seemed totally unbearable is the thought of having to go through all of this again. I just couldn't.

So.. again was asked if pregnant at the lab. Oh, and now there's a new question (since I answered that I hope I still am) - what month are you in..
She put a red 'urgent' sticker on the vial and told me answers are due at 15:00 (so not! it was only in at 15:07, and I know as I was refreshing the page every so often!). And you know, seeing the number (I tried last night to work out what it should be so as to know what to expect. I know I'm bad at maths, but I came up with around 30,000..), I still don't feel that happy feeling. Just feel like I want to cry, oh my god, it really is happening..


MeAndBaby - I wanted to say something about how marvelous it is how we are almost together... but am too scared to jinx it for either one of us, so I'll keep my mouth shut!

Thursday, 8 October 2009

... UPDATED

Before I start, just letting you know there will be TMI in this post. Actually, it is the focus of this post, what I am going to talk about. Actually, after writing most of the post, it is worse! Please go away if you don't want to read about, well just go away!
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On Saturday, as I mentioned, I had some spotting. It did cause me some worry (especially together with the no symptoms. Wanted to thank you Kate for the link, it helped a lot!), but it was just spotting and I knew it was quite common in early pregnancy. As it seized, I didn't even bother calling the doctor.
Since them I've been cool. Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed and no more spotting! Not one drop of blood. That was till today. Will now continue to mention that the side effect of the Endometrin vaginal tablets I am taking, is that I leak, so when I know I won't be able to change for some time, I use a pad (i.e one for periods). Usually it's more than enough, just a safety precaution. So today, walking in the street I feel a flow. It feels stronger than usual, but I still don't think too much of it. I do my business, then head home, and then again feel a stronger than usual flow. Eventually I manage to take a peek (remember, I was in the street..), and horrified (and very much embarrassed!) to see how my trousers are stained. That much blood. Not spotting anymore but actually bleeding. And yes, was confirmed at home.
But that's not the worst. After giving myself the progesterone tablet, taking out the (applicator?), there was some splutter of blood as can be expected (as I was bleeding not so long before). But then wiping the blood, I come across this piece of flesh. It looks to me like a piece of liver, about 1.5 cm long maybe 0.5 a cm wide and in the shape of a sea horse. Don't think it was my baby (though that was the first thought when I saw it), so maybe a piece of the placenta? And what does that mean? Am I loosing this pregnancy?? Have I already lost it?? Will just add that no symptoms, including no cramps - that's good, isn't it? And yes, I really should have called the doctor on Saturday, as it seems he is out of the country now.

Update (Fri afternoon): After trying a few more times calling the doctor, I called IVF place. I was first told to go to the hospital (woman's ER) as she thought I was still bleeding. Well, good to know for next time..
Anyway I was given this code [as I said in a comment, when phoning I get to an answering machine that requires some kind of code] and got through! Well at first there was a machine, explaining how the doctor is away and giving a name and number of another doctor [actually the one I was thinking of going to originally..] to call in case of an emergency. Hmmm, one should hear this information without the need to enter a code.
Anyway, for our matter - spoke to him. I am to carry on with the progesterone, and then on Sunday do a Beta. For now all I can do is hope for the best (and rest?).

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Symptoms

or lack of them.

[warning: TMI ahead]

Was going to write this post about being stressed over not having symptoms. Yes, I guess they are not of the kind you want around and I'm sure those on the other end of the spectrum would love to change places with me. But you know what, in my eyes at least they have constant proof they are pregnant.
And maybe I am having some symptoms but not recognizing them as such, like the tired thing you all said was a symptom (though I am probably somewhat more tired than usuall, I am not a high energy person and I do love to sleep), or the diaherria I was having that might have been "my morning sickness".
And then there was Wednesday where I was really feeling yucky (and said to myself - gosh, it started! and 2 more months of this! urg), and Thursday still not quite o.k, but by Friday it was all gone.

So I was going to write this post about how stressfull it is to not really have symptoms (or to have something that quickly fades away), but then I thought - a pregnancy can't just vanish, can it? I mean if something wrong was happening, then I surley I would have these terrible cramps and/or bleeding? Can't be pregnant one day and not the next with nothing "of interest" happening.
Well, that might be a nice thought, but then sitting minding my own buisness, I suddenly had some spotting. It really is not a lot, but it is blood and it is scary. I've been reading enough to know that a little bit of bleeding may occur and is normal (and of course also had to see what my dear friend Google had to say on the matter), but still ..
Think (hope!) it has stopped for now. If it continues and /or gets heavier (right now I really have to "dig in" for the blood. Oh I warned you about the TMI) I'll call the doctor. In the meantime I'll try and be calm about it.


P.S
Not on my computer and no speller..

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

If it was up to me, I think I wouldn't have told anyone at least not until hearing a heart beat. But when I went onto IVF and needed help, I couldn't withhold information regarding my ttc efforts anymore. I know it's not a curious wanting to know but a caring one, but still it kind of nugs when I get the - is there any news yet, again and again. So I decided Yom-Kipur, when family is gathered (and after I got that second Beta) should be a good time. Also, we have quite a lot of October birthdays, but I think it would not be right to use the opportunity of celebrating a sister's birthday to announce my news. Telling them, meant I also had to tell my brother (he doesn't live in Israel) as he would definitely hear from someone or another and then would get insulted he didn't hear from me. It is not that I don't want to tell, but you know it is still very early in the game.

So that was the telling part, then came the fasting.. Originally I thought there shouldn't be a problem fasting, but seeing a question on a fertility board about fasting and early pregnancy (and more so the answer) I decided I would mostly fast but drink a bit of water from time to time. I ended up having some bread mid day (and the water). I might be a "hero" when it's just me, but I am not going to risk this pregnancy! [Dora - saw your comment only after YK].


Made an appointment today for first u/s and heart beat in two weeks time. Secretary saying how she only has an 23:00 slot, but if I want to make an appointment in three weeks time... Three weeks!? Are you kidding me? I've been doing enough waiting and extra waiting, I am not waiting a whole extra week (as in seven more days or 10,080 minutes or 604,800 seconds) to see my little one and maybe hear the heart and more so have confirmation I am indeed pregnant. And no, completely no symptoms (well almost none, I have this pain that comes and goes in my lower belly). Great not to have nausea (or at least to put it off for a while), but couldn't my boobs be a little sore..

So my appointment in two weeks time (does everything ttc related have to come in a package of a two weeks wait??). I am thinking of asking mother to come along. I know she will be very happy and excited but I am not sure I want her. One reason is physically how comfortable I would feel with my feet wide open in front of her. But then somebody will accompany me in the delivery room, and well.. And maybe it could also be some kind of "test" to see how I feel about her being with me during birth. And to tell the truth, I'm quite egoistic - I'll be lucky if I get to see the doctor at 23:30 which most likely means danger of missing last bus. So having mother come with me (and thus drive me..) could be a solution.

And happiness. Not yet feeling happy. Excited - yes, unable to believe - yes, but not happy. And more than happiness I am waiting to feel this love I felt that other time when I had a positive Beta (24, chemical). It was one day, but feeling this love I felt towards this thing growing in me amazed me. And now I google to find out what my sesame seed is up to these days (more or less deciding which part of it will be a fetus and which the placenta..), and feel nothing. But maybe there is something lost of the naivety of that first wowness of I am going to be a mother when the journey seems to go on and on, or maybe I now need tangible "evidence". Hope I just get to feel something soon :-)


And I am so sorry I am so behind on my blog reading. I am so tired these days and don't seem able to catch up.

Perfect Moment Monday: Thursdays

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I have this two part perfect moment every Thursday when I pick up my four year old nephew from kindergarten.

Outside the place there is this playground with some nice shadow giving trees and some benches to sit on. Not far there is an elementary school, and there are always kids playing in the playground. It is also very near a 6 year high school, so there are these teenagers walking past the playground on their way home. And I just love sitting and watching. I love watching people, more so I love looking at children, how they play, how they interact..

Then the clock ticks 13:30 and it's time to pick up the kid. He is such a chatter box and I so enjoy listening to him. He would start by asking me if I want to know XYZ (or - why XYZ) and before I have a chance of saying "yes", he starts telling me. And I love our conversations we have while walking home. I get to learn why his big brother is so tall (and he is.. a meter eighty something [over 6 feet] at the age of 14), and how when he'll be as big as his brother etc etc etc (yes, he probably admires him..). Just a perfect moment that gets repeated every week for the 15 minutes it takes us to walk home :-).

Now go and see all the other perfect moments!

Saturday, 26 September 2009

My Womb and odds and ends.. UPDATED

First thank you all!
I just can't believe it. Going back and forth between looking at my Beta number on the site and staring at the pee stick, mumbling to myself - "I am pregnant".
And I'm going between - Wow! I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in me. I'm going to be a mother; to - What have I done! I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in me. I'm going to be a mother. Yes, I am very scared of this new journey ahead of me.

That night I couldn't sleep, and was so exhausted the next day. Happens that sister was here (at my mum's) with her kids who woke up from nap screaming. Sister was dealing with big girl, and I was handed baby boy. Hmmmm... a screaming baby who I could not calm down* while I myself was exhausted being my first encounter with a baby since I got the positive.. nice "first" glance into motherhood... LOL.

Regarding a second beta, found out IVF place will be open tomorrow morning! It's bit of a nuisance as I didn't want to wake up early on Sunday, but hey! I'm not waiting to Tuesday for the second Beta to see that everything is o.k. I just hope results will be in before Y.K.

And yes, title promised something about my womb. I wanted to show you this picture

(Drawn by Yaeli Ziv for the Beit Issie Shapiro.)

On the day of the retrieval, sister #5 helped me out with the tank (getting it from IVF place, then going to bank and back to IVF place). As it also was the day of retrieval (I thought it would be a little later in the week), she was also there with me for the procedure. And sister #5, she is such a pampering gal! Anyway, while telling me not to look, she wrote me this card with above picture. One look at that picture, and I knew it is exactly how my womb looks like! And afterwards with my two embies transferred.. I really don't know if I have one or two inside, and I kept saying to them that it doesn't matter if only one of them sticks around, but these are my pre-born children playing in nature in my womb :-).


* I do take into account that he is not my child. It is not me he is used to, and not me he wants, especially for comfort, add to that not knowing his needs (was he hungry, tired, just furious, a radar of his screaming sister, etc).

1 9 4 7 !!

Thursday, 24 September 2009

OMG

OMG, OMFG!
For the fun of it decide to have a last peek at the site. Really not expecting anything at almost midnight. And oh my god - not only does it have an answer (at long last), but a whooping 525!
525! OMG I am shaking! Of course I rushed to give myself some progesterone. 525 IU/l. Can't be! I am only on day 17, isn't that high for day 17?? Definitely high enough to not be residues of the Pregnal I took on Monday a week and a half ago. There must be some mistake! Probably switched the results!
And I so do not feel pregnant! Was so crying out this cycle. I am so peeing on the stick as soon as I have pee (unfortunately have just went..).
Oh. My. God!

Are You Pregnant?

This is a question I am always asked at my lab when I come in for a blood test. I asked once about this habit (you know, not exactly the question someone going through fertility treatments wants to hear..), and was told they were required to ask every woman who is of fertile age. The nurse at the time quickly added how she wouldn't ask a 16 year old as that won't be appropriate (she would just fill in in the computer - not pregnant). Hmm.. are blood tests handled differently in pregnant women!? because I could think of more cases where such a question is not o.k, like a woman who just had a loss or a woman who was raped or a woman who wants kids but her partner doesn't or a woman who wants kids and doesn't have a partner and doesn't yet know she can do it alone, etc.

Anyway, apparently not so smart nurse asked me this question this morning when I came in to have a Beta - aka pregnancy test - done!

Was going to carry on saying how the test revealed what I knew - that I'm not pregnant. Was going to say how I knew so from Monday. How on Sunday I was still with hope, even thinking that yes maybe I really am, and how on Monday it hit me that I'm not. Was going to talk about how I decided to do a Beta today, even if it's borderline regarding the HSG I had as part of the support as I do not want to wait until Tuesday since I know I am not (otherwise I would have done a HPT on Fri or Sat or Sun or maybe more than one test depending on result, and would have done a Beta on Tuesday allowing me to come in the next day or the day after to see if it doubles. I will remind you that weekend+Yom Kippur = lab closed on Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon). Was even going to make an appointment with doctor. Was.. I don't know if it's not so smart nurse who I should blame, or maybe it's just the internet site or maybe it's the lab's fault - but it is seven o'clock in the evening and I still don't have results!! Which probably means I will not have those results until Tuesday. Hmmm, whole point of coming in today was that I didn't want to wait with the negative answer (I figured if the HSG was still in effect, I would have a very low Beta. If by any chance I am pregnant, I'm already on day 17 since retrieval so Beta should be a nice number).

Even though from Monday I knew I am not, I still kept taking the progesterone suppositories. You know, you don't stop taking until you get an answer. Haven't yet taken today (I take it three times a day, so should have actually already had two doses by now), and I don't think I will. I know I am not pregnant, 100%. My body is very good at telling me this (btw, it was not cramps I had reported the other day, just a feeling of an approaching period..). I am just thinking if I should just verify it with a HPT or not, as they are bloody expensive and I prefer not wasting it on what I know is a negative. On the other hand...

P.S
Moral of story? Next time ask doctor to put urgent on referral!

P.P.S
I have been a bad blogger lately as I really was not apt to reading blogs (or my forum or really any internet activity). Sorry !

Friday, 18 September 2009

Sitting Arrangements

(a rant)

Every time it happens and every time I get upset by it. Many times previously I tried picking a seat before. This time I thought I'd go with the flow, let them be seated and only then find a seat. But then sister tried to arrange who sits where, and again.. These are a couple and they just have to sit together (even though they see each other every day.. I really don't get what's the big deal, why is it so holy that they sit together), and then that's a mother with a little child, and she just has to sit near her baby and that has to be over there. I know it makes sense and all, but it kind of feels that since I am single and childless, that I can be shoved anywhere, and that I have to compromise because I am of less importance. I'm sorry if this may sound stupid. I know it is, but it gets to me every time.

Anyway just a rant, during my usual break I have to take in these family things. Back to desert (cheese cake!).


P.S
I'm sure this mild period "pain" I have, not really cramps, just a very mild feeling of a due period, and all the thoughts of is it it or is it just another period on its way. I mean it can't be a period, can it? I am on support, so I shouldn't be getting a period, right? But then it can't be a pregnancy sign, don't know but it really doesn't feel so. And the boobs. Long lost that feeling of sensitivity I had the other day [well it was after an HSG injection + progesterone supplement + estrogen. kind of no wonder..], but still not completely "regular", but then again progesterone does have that effect, so it really means nothing. And maybe I should test, oh I just want to test, can't I just have a test?? (had an HSG shot last Monday, so no, I probably can't test, unless I want to see a false positive..). Anyway, this all is probably making me extra emotional..





And S h a n a T o v a :-)

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Birds (show and tell #7)

Show and Tell
As I mentioned in a previous post, on a tree opposite the window from where I blog, there's a bird's nest. It is a bit too far to see with the naked eye, and it took me sometime to establish it being a nest (now beyond the knowledge, the little ones are bigger and much more moving, so it is much more clearer it's a nest.. Oh, I hope I'll be able to see flying lessons!).

And I just love watching this nest! Unfortunately this tree has decided to grow lots of leaves in the lost few days (autumn fall isn't supposed to be the season when leaves fall of a tree?) ,and now not only is it too far but also not always visible.

And I am so enthusiastic with taking pictures. Yes, I have a lot to learn, I really do not learn how to use my camera and am looking forward to doing some kind of course, but for the meantime.. And it really is fun playing around with features, and not having to worry (I trust that I can't really do damage to my camera, or so I hope :-)). As I mentioned, with the camera I also bought a wider lens, but only last week had finally the courage to try it out (nest to blame! couldn't see anything with the usual one..). So I attached it, and didn't really understand why it's not such a zoom, but oh well. and here's more or less what I got


But then the other day, as I was taking out or putting away that lens and playing around with it, I made a [please don't laugh] a discovery - if you turn the lens in the middle (and not at the end, which I did, but only made the lens somewhat wider, narrowing down everytime I tried to take a picture), well if you turn it in the middle, the lens becomes much longer! So now I'm enjoying that game :-).
See how big these baby birds are! (and oh, I had to brighten the pic because it was to dark. I really do not know how to play around with the editing features and how do you know how much to brighten and all, but I'm kink of less concerned about that..)
And did I mention how excited about the whole thing (bird nest and photographing) almost everyday I take out my camera and aim at that nest? And did I mention that that tree is right by my neighbour's house, and my camera is not far from their window? Here, this is the window right below the nest

There is another one above it.. I take these pictures feeling so embarrassed, hoping they don't think me for a peeping Tom or something..


P.S
You think I am now enthusiastic??? Wait till I do this course...

Now fly fly fly over to Mel's place, and see what the rest of the class has to show at Show & Tell!

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Hope

Last week, at my retrieval, only four eggs were harvested. I was so disappointed, felt like I completely blew it with the trigger shot (and doctor asking afterwards what happened with the trigger only confirmed that..), that I didn't even want to blog about it (and then there was something nice about not blogging about my cycle for a change :-). But of course I can't for ever hold my tongue finger, so I am blogging now. LOL). Disappointed, as with no hope, absolutely no hope, I mean if previous cycle yielded 10 eggs out of which only four were fertilized (and only three making it to transfer/freeze), what can be said about 4 eggs being retrieved??
But then 2 out of the 4 did fertilize, and were even a nice 4 cell. So I had a day 2 transfere, and hope found it's way back into my heart.
And my boobs. They are somewhat sensitive, and I believe also somewhat enlarged. And I don't know. It is too early in the game for that, and the support this time is stronger, so maybe it's only the support. Which in itself is good news, it means the support is working (last cycle I was a bit worried - how do I know if the support is enough!?). But I can't turn hope off, I can't help but think - maybe I am after all knocked up? Maybe maybe maybe. That damn hope. I so need it to work this time, I really need it. I could have dealt with no transfer and a complete lack of hope, but with this hope seeping in.. I really don't think I can handle a negative, and I'm so scared of this hope. I was kind of better of when hope was gone and I just knew this cycle was lost, now having this little flame of hope in me which might have good and positive outcomes, but might also...

And this wait. How long can two weeks be!? Well actually make it three weeks! You see, as part of the widened support, I was also to give myself 2 HSG shots, which means that I can't really test until the HSG from the shot is out of my system. Next Thursday I will be 10 days after, which might be enough time (but I really don't know since I never tested to see). So maybe I could have a Beta test on Thur. Problem is, if I do get a number higher than 10 and want to see a doubling, I won't be able to test again until the Tuesday after, due to the weekend and Yom-Kippur. So I don't see a point, and a Beta will have to wait till after Yom-Kippur.
Then there's the HPTs. I do think Thursday might be to early, but then when do I test? [assuming Monday, Yom-Kippur, I do not want to test. It is such a holy day, so spiritual, I do not want to be occupied with materialistic stuff like peeing on sticks and waiting to see how many lines]. If I test before Yom-Kippur, and it's a positive, then great. But if it's a negative, I really can't imagine what a night-mare of a day it will be. But then if I don't test... Think I'll see how it goes. Maybe if the sensation with the boobs increases I will test. Not sure.. Anyway, I have about two weeks to contemplate about that...

Friday, 11 September 2009

The Health Care System in Israel

Joy at The Other Shoe asked about health care systems in countries outside the U.S.A, so here is a look at Israel's health care system (which was ranked in the year 2000 in the 28th place out of a total of 190 countries and has many achievements in medicine and in medical research)

We have 4 kupot Holim (kupot in short, kupa in the singular) here. I never know how to refer to them (well to my one) when it comes up in a post I want to write - is it what is called HMO in other places? So I think I'll stick here with kupa/kupot.

In 1995 we had a big reform in our health care. Though we did have those 4 kupot and though the majority of citizens did belong to one of them there were some problems. First to belong to the big kupa, one had to belong to the Israeli Trade Union, while the other kupot restricted acceptance of new members based on age, pre-existing conditions and other factors. Second the level of coverage was different. And lastly the fact that not all the citizens were covered.

From 1995 it is compulsory to belong to one of the kupot, to any kupa you desire - there are four times a year when you can switch to a different kupa, and not only can no kupa turn you down, but they have to continue your treatment (though you probably can't just go back and forth between the kupot..).
Before 1995, you paid to be a member of the kupa a certain amount of money, while it might not have been a great sum (really can't remember how much it was :-)), it was the same sum for all. Today you pay a percentage out of your pay-check (about 2.5% of your salary goes to health care and another 2.5% to national insurance. really not a lot), so everyone pays according to what they can, and all get the same services. Might I add that as it is not the kupot who collect this money, that they have no way of telling who paid what.
The basic coverage includes diagnosing, consultation and treatment of medical conditions; medicines - according to a list of medicines that are on the basket at a reduced price [about 10-15% of it's full price]; hospitalization; rehabilitation; medical appliances and accessories; lab services and more.
Beyond this basic coverage, the kupot are entitled to offer more services for an additional fee, but this is really beyond the wide range of basic coverage (for example fertility treatments for a third child [treatments for first and second child are part of the basic coverage, provided you are younger than 45 yrs old]).

And on a personal view as a fertility patient:
Fertility treatments is one of top priority, and so the coverage is great. As mentioned above, it is completely free (as in you do not have to pay for lab tests; for being wanded; for any of the other tests that may be required like HSG; for seeing a doctor; for being treated in a fertility clinic [and might I add reading how patients in other parts of the world are discriminated for being gay/lesbian/single, that it is not the case here. No clinic can turn you down because you are single or lesbian or whatever]; IUIs and IVFs [I am entitled to six IVFs in one year. Taking into account that your body does need to rest and long protocols, that is good enough]).
When I was doing IUIs, I was treated wholly by the public health system. That meant that every time I went to see a doctor at my clinic, the doctor on call was the one that saw me. As they are all top doctors, it was more than fine with me. Proceeding to IVF, I preferred having one doctor who knows my case, so I am now using a combination of private and public health care - I pay to see this doctor, but everything else is free (including IVF place which in fact is a private hospital, but as it belongs to my kupa, I do not have to pay).
And yes, I am very pleased with our system. It probably has it's faults (like what medicines are included on the basket. Luckily no problem with fertility meds, but if you have a rare condition, there is a likelihood that your med won't be included), but it gives all a good basic coverage no matter what ones financial state is (just to clarify, I could have done the IVF completely in the public health care system and with good doctors) and we do have good public health care, good hospitals and all.


Some sites on the health system in Israel:

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

The Talk

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I had two good talks yesterday. The first was on the way there, a nice hearty conversation with my sister. I won't say anymore, because it was more about her than me, but it was nice having that conversation.

The second was with my 20 year old niece. Something I both wanted and was glad for the circumstances that made it possible, but was also somewhat fearful.
This TTC journey is filled with these dreams, some big some small, being shattered. Not what I expected, how I thought things would happen. Anyway one of these dreams was telling my nieces/nephews about how I am about to become a single mother (by choice). I was going to have this talk with the three older ones (14, 18.5, 20) telling them about my decision to become an SMC and what I did to become one (i.e using donor sperm), but was told it might be inappropriate for the younger one as he might feel uncomfortable with his older cousins. O.K getting those three together would probably have been quite a mission impossible.. This talk I was going to have once I'm pregnant, don't really know now why it was important for me to wait to pregnancy, maybe I thought it would happen quicker. And well, quicker it didn't happen, and they are not stupid these kids, and they do hear things, more and more as time goes by. No doubt that they know, but it was never directly from me, never I who had that talk with them.
This talk I want to have with them, is important for me beyond the fact that they are my family and should know. I think I see it as a rehearsal to being free and open to talk about it with strangers. No, not every Nosy Parker has (will have) the right to inquire about my child's origin, on the other hand I do not want it to be secret, I do not want my child growing up with this dark cloud around him/her, and as I am a very closed introverted person, who likes keeping my life to myself, there is a chance of that happening. Telling siblings/parents was probably much easier then telling the younger generation, but I owe it to my future kid to try and open up even when it is less comfortable and easy for me.
So... yesterday on the way back, alone in the car with the 20 year old we had that talk. Well not exactly "that" talk as as I said, she already knew and it was more of a broken conversation here saying this, there saying that. But it felt so good to finally have that talk with her. So what if she already knows, now she knows it "officially" from me :-).