Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Hard for me to admit, to myself let alone blog world. But I think I have to let it out "in the open" in order to be honest with myself. I was wrong. Maybe, perhaps, possibly I could have had by now a fully breastfed girl instead of feeding her mainly on formula (though one thing good came out of it - no problem feeding her a bottle, so no problem with nanny feeding her..). I am all the time fighting it [and yes, at 5.5 months it is still a very big issue for me, can't just put it behind me and carry on like people tell me to do], all the time trying, but perhaps not hard enough. Many times I would be adamant and try again doing only/mainly my breast and then feel so terrible for letting her go hungry. It is so engraved in me that I don't have milk that though as I said I do try from time to time, many times I would just let her have the bottle, scared I'm starving her. Been to La Leche meeting the other day (and I'm sorry I hadn't gone in the first few months, might have made a difference..) and they said something about how in the early days there was a foundation to that fear of me starving her, as she really was skin and bones. But while that "danger" has long gone and my daughter is very much a healthy looking girl, I'm still over there. So once again I'm trying.. yes, by now I hardly expect to give up formula completely, but still hoping to increase breastfeeding. The growth spurt we had the other day also helped. In previous ones she mainly slept, this time no sleep but for two whole night she was non stop on my breasts. Made me realize that it's not too late, that I can still fight for it.


I mainly breast feed her at night*, also because I work, but also as I said, fear of starving her (at night I take into account that it's not a feed..). And unfortunately I kind of lost the ability to read signs of hunger (we are also having now a terrible time with EC at the moment**, but that's for another post [which I'm not planning on writing...]). That's what happens when you go by numbers, and I was so fighting that, so didn't want to know how much and when she drinks, but so hard to ignore when you bottle feed.


What's hard to admit it that maybe if only I breastfed her more, if only I pumped more.... I know I had a very difficult start, completely not how I imagined those early days of motherhood. I think it's a lot to do with the birth that went very much wrong and being in pain and not being able to do the breastfeeding and a nursing consultant whom I don't think did too good a job. But yes, those are all excuses.. The truth is I did not breastfeed nor pump enough. And yes, there were times when baby was fussy/crying and I didn't know what was bothering her and mother would say she's hungry or needs comfort and that I should try the breast and I would be so angry at her because I just fed her... If only I knew then what I've since read, how babies, in those first few weeks, can be really literally all the time on the breast. And comfort.. if you ask me today for any advice, I'd tell you to breast feed to sleep [of course if you intend to breast feed..]. I was so talked out of it, so told how I would be creating bad habits, and I'm so sorry we've only now started doing so. I do think if I breastfed her to sleep from the beginining, that our nights would look different, in a positive way. And I know I didn't do enough pumping. It hurt and with her hardly sleeping and me not being able to just let her be awake and alone (easier nowadays when she can do so much more, minimum being able to look and focus on things. Then it seemed wrong).

And there's no where in particular this post is going. As the astrick indicates, I started this post feeling very bad about realising how it was more my doing us not being able to breastfeed solo, but now a minute before solids [and though I've started vegetables tastings, I put that now on a break] I am trying once more to "push" my breast (and with the understandings I now have, I think I'm doing a better though not best*** job).


* since I started writing this post, am trying very much again to also breastfeed in the mornings and less to give her a bottle

** back to better again :-)

*** o.k this is totally unrelated but anyway.. I love it when I teach a pupil a new word and they say how they know it from such and such a game or more often they would say - so that what it means... [and sometimes they learn a word and "know" it's meaning. except.. of course 'play' means start, why, you always have to press the 'play' button when you want to start the game..]. Anyway we had today the word 'best', and so the boy says like the song 'Single Best'. Hmmmm... never heard of that song. I'm trying to break my head, maybe he means a single by the name of best? (not that I heard of such a song). But he insists, no, Single Best, you know, the song for Christmas....... (the one, later he told me, which he plays on the guitar). You do know he meant Jingle Bells.....

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

I love my daughter very much, but being with her most of the day doing nothing special can be quiet a bore. On a side note I will mention that I am so not looking forward for Hannuka next week as not only will I not be working, but both my mum and sis #3 (and family, both my neighbours) will be away. Eight days of being solo with girl for 24 hours. Anyway, it's hard keeping an infant entertained, and while I do believe with (besides play time) having her join me in the house chores, easier said than done as I can't do much with her on the sling (try washing the dishes with a big bump on your front..).
Well the other day my sister told me about this free class they have for infants at the mall. First time (two weeks ago actually) I went and the two of us had a (somewhat as she was quite shocked) nice time. It was nice getting out and refreshed and nice meeting other mothers with thier babies, although the volumn was so high one can hardly have a conversation, and being a shy one I need a lot of warming up. Not sure if I'll go every week, but I think every other week could be something nice for us to do.

And today.. Well homeschooling is something I want to do, but you know, I have a l-o-n-g time for that. But then I happen to hear of groups that meet and decided to join one in a nearby town. Then I hear the group is for babies and kids up till the age of six! So I won't be the odd one out with a baby, and I won't be too early on the scene. I went along today, and there were quite a few mothers with babies (most first timers like me!), and I so enjoyed myslef! I thought we'd be talking home education, but we new mothers stuck mainly to sleeping and nursing and feeding etc lol. I think it's not so much discuusing issues, more a social outlet, for kids to meet others like them, for mothers to get out a bit from the usuall daily routine. Not sure what happens with the older kids, but hey, have time for that... I will most certainly go again!
So now we have our homeschooling group on Tuesdays, and on every other Thursday the music/movenment class. Life's begining to be a bit more interesting :-).


P.S
If only I could solve her sleeping not sleeping issues. Errrrr.....


P.S.S
Sis #3 found a picture of her daughter E. E doesn't look too much like her mother (though I think she does look like her mother when she was a little girl). My daughter also doesn't look like me. Me and sister look quiet alike. That picture? Copy my daugther! If I wouldn't have known better I'd say it's G and not E!

P.S.S.S
All those spelling mistakes - look at P.S number 1! (and I definitely not going to do anything about them now!)

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Sleep

Yes, another sleep post.. probably a short one because, well.. I'd like to go to sleep....

It got better, very much better although I still think there was room for improvement, and then....... it's getting bad again.
It's about ten o'clock now. It was only at nine that she finally fell asleep. Eight was my happy hour until very recently. Eight o'clock was when I knew I had my little time for myself, to have supper, a bit of computer before going to sleep (alas I'd tell myself two hours, but as a night owl I couldn't just go to bed so would stay longer), pumping. She really does not sleep during the day, I mean there is a little morning nap which I sleep with here, and another short one with the nanny. Here and there I'm doing things during the day when she's around, but it's still nice to have my free time. Anyway I think I'm digressing (and have I mentioned above before?). Last night she was fast asleep the moment I put her in bed (happens..) but then the night before she was fine until I put her in bed, at which point she started s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g. Had to call my sister for help (lucky I had someone to come help) me get her to sleep. [I think her inner clock is a 48 hour one because more than once she would be great one night and worse the next]. And tonight I tried most everything until she fell asleep (on the breast, not to my liking).

And yes, I know\understand what's behind it, and there's more than one reason - first of all she is teething. It probably disturbs her more at night when there are less distraction from the pain from the day. Then there's the cold we both suffered from (I'm more or less at the end, but she is still not too well) and we also had a growing spurt. Yes, six months is when it's supposed to happen, but she was always early on those.. but while previous ones were also a lot of sleep, this was quite the reverse - for two full nights she was sucking and sucking and sucking. All night long! After the second night we had a lovely long morning nap (two and a half hours!) and I knew that's it, but it was two most exhausting nights in a time when nights are not easy anyway..
So yes, there are reasons, but I still don't know what to do, how do we get through this rough period. I breastfed her tonight against my wishes (middle of the night I breast feed her to sleep, so do I do so for the morning nap, but going to sleep for the night I try teaching her to do it by herself, with no aid). I know once or twice it's o.k to step out of plan, especially when the little girl is really not feeling too good, but I heard enough about how when child was sick/teething etc parents did so and so and how when child was better that habit remained. I don't want to teach her now that she needs me and well a very certain part of me to go to sleep.

And of course she woke up while writing this post.. and I do still need to pump..

Friday, 12 November 2010

A girl with a necklace, vaccinations and an important question!

I think Butterfly is beginning to teeth (yikes!) which would explain previous post's EDT.. Asking what can be done to help ease the pain, I was told to put an amber necklace round her neck. So I went out and bought one. Hope it works! Now doesn't she look like a big girl with her necklace :-)?


Vaccinations. I decided I'm going to give her tetanus + diphtheria without the pertussis (as for polio and the other one [can't remember now what] I have yet to decide), and that more or less will conclude her shots. Last time I asked, the nurse at the child's development told me they can't separate and give it without the pertussis, but I heard it can be done.
Anyway, not about that I wanted to talk (and I'll be going in only in about 1.5 months). We have here in Israel child benefits - a small amount the government gives parents (or is it the child through the parents, there was such a debate on one of "my" boards). Up till now, the only condition was that you were Israeli and paid the social security taxes. Now there is a law about to be approved that conditions getting the full sum on giving your kid the vaccinations. All of them, according to the official programme. Which means a lot of shots. I'm less concern about the needle part, more about the dangers (in my eyes) of these vaccinations. I won't go into it here, but I'd much rather my daughter gets most of these diseases as a child. The aim of this law is to get more people to vaccinate, but I think it completely misses. I think the vast majority of people who do not give vaccinations, do so, like me, out of ideology. I will not start giving my girl all the vaccinations to get the full benefit. It is not only a really annoying and totally unfair law, but it also feels like an invasion of my privacy - what is it to them if and what shots I give my daughter? (assuming of course I don't not go out of laziness. A parent who fails to give his/her child her/his shots with no ideology or thought behind it, indeed deserves a "penalty"). Oh well, I think I'll survive with the reduced amount..


And now a completely unrelated and as title suggested, important, question:
There is a hedgehog that comes around at night to eat on the cat food. My sister claims it is "theirs" as he came first to them and husband moved him over here and she/they named him Shmulik. Now Shmulik, an Israeli name, is a name of a hedgehog in a well known children's book. Very not original! Plus I claim it to be "my" hedgehog as he comes to my yard to eat (fact that he comes here again and again. In fact he became quite bold and didn't even flinch when I took a pic of him!), but I have no idea what to call him (yeah, am clueless whether it's a him or a her, so I'll go with a him..). Any ideas of a good name?



Sunday, 7 November 2010

EC

Warning.. an EC post, so it's all about peeing and pooing..

Until not so long ago I dressed Butterfly with just a shirt for bed time, covering her when she's asleep (because no way can I do that when she's not fully sleeping). But the nights now are too cold for that (yay!) so she needs her legs et al covered too. I saw some EC trousers I'd like to get her (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSDM7SQqrS0&feature=player_embedded [sorry it's in Hebrew. she's just explaining about the trousers {if I remember correctly as my speakers are disconnected}]. I'm kind of lazing around with this, so for the meantime I tried dressing her in a one piece long sleeve/trousers. I thought if I only don't button between the legs, it could work. Not really as I still need to undo more buttons when peeing, and then closing them all. properly. while Butterfly is [still] sleeping. So for now I dress her with a shirt and trousers, and she looks such a big girl :-). Problem is, unless I take them off completely, it is quite hard to aim (can't so much see the bowl), so my bed (and legs.. hmmm...) get peed on.. [which I'll tell you is mmmmmmmuuuuuccccchhhhh better then getting poo on your bare legs while feeding your little girl when you are only wearing knickers as it is so hot..]. I still think it's better than getting entangled with all those buttons [so I wash my leg/put a dry nappy on the bed]. But I really should see about those trousers..

And talking about that missed poo, I almost always miss the poos. I am much better at detecting a pee, which is the reverse to most people. This morning she looks at me like she's going to go, so I quickly go get the bowl (it is usually by the mat. this morning when she peed, I took it to empty in the toilet, but forgot to return) while asking her to wait. I come back and..... oh no! It wasn't a pee but a poo, in progress (so I semi caught it which was good as we managed to keep the mat unsoiled [usually..... urg..] and to finish of in the bowl).
And I like that we are doing EC. With all the difficulties I do believe it is better for my girl. And I'm very proud of her, of me, when she goes in the bowl, every time she does it. And you know, Friday I went with her somewhere and she was with a nappy and I came home to a dry nappy, with her peeing in the bowl as soon as I offered. The same happened this morning. And believe she knows with me we do this and with the nanny no point of even trying to hold.
And the nights.. until not so long ago she had to go about half an hour after going to sleep. Not any more. Last night she even skipped the 22:30 pee. Yes, it could be she was dehydrated. It could also be she's gaining control on her bladder and the ability to hold her pee.


P.S
I just missed our 22:30 pee. I don't remember when that last happened :-(. And here I am praising.. [even more then succeeding in the day, I love it when we do so at nights]


EDT
And then another puddle, and a big one!, at midnight. Just when I went to prepare morning's bottle. This time used to be a miss quite often as somehow I'd always be in the shower.. But we didn't have a pee (miss or success) at this time for quite sometime. But she does seem to have a blocked nose, so maybe she's coming up with something. :-((
And I've probably been dehydrating her. Trying again to cut down bottle to encourage breast milk. Nope, don't have it. Can't wait till when she's completly on solids and we don't have to do this stupid formula feeding. :-((.


Can I say that she did another pee while I wrote this EDT?? And that I'm running out of trousers??

EDT again.
May I say that this is one of the worst nights??? Only just now (5:45) did I manage to get her back to sleep, from about 3am. Hope she sleeps now for a good two or three hours.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Butterfly* just peed (in a bowl of course! icon of proud mama), 22:30 as expected. Usually she goes straight back to sleep, but not this time. She was turning restlessly from side to side, and I stood for a moment wondering what to do.
As you might recall, I had a hard time getting her to sleep. Then I heard this lecture and things began to change (plus I added a dummy for the night). The point of this method is that you teach baby to fall asleep in bed, by themselves. All the things we do to get them to sleep just creats an addiction which makes it harder and harder to satisfy. So at first you sit near and touch, and then you slowly go further, until you put baby to bed and go out the door. Well I have a problem here. Two actually. First we co-sleep, both of us in one big bed, she being near the wall. When I put her to sleep, oh does she toss and turn and turn and wiggle and do some crawling forward and backwards and just doesn't sit still until she finally decides to lay her pretty little head down and fall asleep. So you can understand that I can't really leave the room.. (plus everytime the dummy falls I have to put it back in her mouth). Second is that we do EC. I expect a pee withing about half an hour of going to sleep (as she was fed before). If I am looking for signs, I can't really leave the room.
Anyway point is I am going by this method but only to a certain extent. Oh and I only do it for going to sleep. At night I breastfeed her to sleep and so in the day (or so I try. Twice I had her sleeping this morning, and twice the moment I moved her eyes were wide open and no way would she sleep, urg..). They do say you have to be presistent and do it every time she wakes up. But really, I am hardly able to breastfeed her during the day, so at least we have the nights..

So I was standing by the bed for a moment wondering if I should do this method, or else to get her to sleep. And you know, while I don't want my girl to be addicted to me and my presence for sleeping, I do not want to train my 4.5 month little girl to be independent. I think co-sleeping goes very much against that. They say tell you to teach child how to put dummy in mouth so you don't have to get up, but you know what, it is just a hand reach for me [we breastfeed, and at one point, after she's already sleeping but still chewing sucking on me, I switch to a dummy..]. She has a lifetime ahead of her for the independent stuff. Now let her enjoy babyhood.

* why The Girl, of course! Had a name for her while pregnant, but then had a change of heart. Was thinking thinking of a nick for her but couldn't come up with anything. Then sitting on our activity (or is it playing) mat nursing her and again thinking how to call her here, my eyes fell on the blues butterfly on the hippo's nose, and.... it was a bear and a butterfly I asked my sister to draw for me long time ago. So Butterfly she is! (except she is so not as light as a butterfly..)