Friday, 31 July 2009

Honest Scrap - Take 2

Becoming Whole awarded me (thanks!) this Honest Scrap award more than a week ago. Didn't want to do it while ICLW was on, and then I was a little down over the negative. So here I am now.

I have done this meme not so long ago, so I won't be doing it again now (but if you really really have nothing more interesting to do and are curious as to what nonsense I wrote, you may look in the March archives).
But, back then I didn't tag anyone to join along on the meme, and I felt kind of bad about that (especially as this meme is called an award..). I know not everyone likes doing a meme, and I try not to tag people I know don't like memes, but it is still not nice not to tag anyone..

So.. the rules:
1. Choose 7 blogs you would like to give the award to.
2. Show their names and links on your blog, and leave a comment in their blog to let then know they received the award.
3. Write 7 or 10 (depends on which version one goes) honest things about yourself.

drums........ And the Honest Scrap award goes to..... drums......
  1. My sister Debbka, who quite recently I discovered has a blog here in Blogger, but hasn't written anything in it (or worse - hasn't drawn!).
  2. Calliope who recently mentioned not getting memes, so here's one for you :-) [although your last two lists, where people ask and you answer, are definitely better!]
  3. Jackie
  4. SprtsGrl
  5. The Single Hussy
  6. Fat Chick
  7. if you would like to do this meme, and I haven't tag you, then consider yourself tagged!

Thursday, 30 July 2009

A license to parent

Well if there was such a thing, it probably would have been something like the home study adopting parents have to go through, and thank god I do not have to do such a thing because I would have never got that license.

But.. A story of a 3 year old boy who weighed only 7 kg (15.5 lb, skin and bones), his mother, who probably has Munchhausen by proxy syndrome, starved him (and took out his feeding tube while in the hospital, etc). This just begins to cool and become old news when on Saturday morning a father chokes his three year old daughter to death, and then (or before, not sure) dresses her so she would look pretty as an angle. And this little two year old whose father drowned her in the bath tub (this happened about 6 years ago), hid her body in the woods and joined the search force looking for her. And last year a really sad story of a little girl (aged four) who no one loved or wanted after the mother remarried the girl's grandfather (the father's father) and had two more kids with him. Living on a suitcase between countries and houses, she was found in a suitcase at the bottom of a river. Grandfather claims he "just" slapped her a bit too hard (they [grandfather and mother] are currently on trial). And a four year old whose mother drowned him in the sea. And and and.

They said (on a panel on T.V) there were 26 cases of children, mostly under the age of four, who were murdered by their parents in the last six years (I think they went back 6 years, because of the case where the father murdered and then "helped" search his daughter. Three days and thousands of volunteers and a whole country concerned). Anyway they had a psychiatrist who explained that these moments of whatever is not unique to those monsters above, but that most people know to overcome such moments. And what if I have such a moment and do not overcome it?? How can I guarantee that I will not turn into one of these monsters, that my child I have worked so hard to have, doesn't end up as another number in the statistics of those killed by the very person who is supposed to love and protect them?

Because I am all focus on having this child, all aiming towards achieving this goal, but what about the then? Right now I am not really looking at all the difficulties of raising a child and of raising a child as a single parent, all I could think about right now is pregnancy, and to be more specific, currently I want to feel the soreness in my boobs (not even thinking of feeling the baby kicking etc). Yes, I want a baby, a child, someone to take care and to love and all. But right now my focus is on getting pregnant, ignoring what comes after. Kind of like how deep down I expected this IVF cycle to work, logically knowing it could very much not, and how I was crashed when it didn't.

I used to help my sister a lot with her (now 13 years old) baby. I used to go with him to the window (a third floor flat) to look out, and then immediately turn away, frightened I might have an impulse to throw him. Therapist explained how that feeling is something natural, common to mothers, but it still scares me*.

*o.k will admit that I also have this fear when crossing a bridge that I will have a crazy impulse and jump (and sometimes, but less frequent, fear that people passing will push me over). If I have to cross a bridge, I always walk right in the middle and look down (at my feet that is, not down down..).

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Have this game I like to play on the computer with background music (all sorts of classicals). Best is to have it loud (really loud) and let the tears just run. And the best of all is the wedding march (or however it's called, you know the classic wedding song) because it is louder than most of the others and well, a wedding song need a single girl like me elaborate?

I think I just flipped it. This IVF thing seems so impossible, how am I supposed to do things?? All the around and stuff, just not for me. For example tried calling IVF place to tell them it's a negative. Can't reach them. Couldn't reach them also before and it is so damn annoying. And I know I'm not the only one, on one of the times I had to go there, there was someone there who said she just came to see what's happening as she can't reach them. Well, not an option for me, I can't just go over to see if they're in. And the not knowing how many cells my embryos were and how many (if) of the embryos were result of ICSI and how many not. I mean that is something I think would be important to know for next cycle, if to do ICSI again or not. [somehow writing is getting me calmer..]. And then do I make an appointment with the dr. or do I wait for my period, and when is it supposed to come?? Phoned the doctor. His secretary had appointments available only next week. I don't know, I do not want to miss next cycle. Maybe I don't need to rush as it will take period some time to show, I don't know, haven't done IVF before. So she wrote me down for a midnight appointment. Yay for that. Yes I am being cynical. Will have to spend the night at my sister's.

And then there was this family gathering today. I so didn't need it. I usually at one point or another need a break and go off, this time I was more away than present. Just couldn't handle all the familiness. And my mother, errrrr. I am sitting eating. There are other people all around, but she - Billy, Billy, bring a chair for [the not yet one year old who was standing holding on to her cousin's pram. I really don't know what was so urgent to bring her a chair and not that it would be useful for her]. While she was calling, I was looking at my brother's wife who has the same name as me, maybe she is referring to her. Well second Billy was in the middle of a conversation and was not even flinching. So my mother carries on - Billy, Billy..... There are all these people around, yes, even the girl's mother and I am eating, and yet I am supposed to bring her a chair.* I just got a negative, there is a limit how much I want to be around the little ones. And yes, I would have been angry too on normal situation, but this was really over the top for me. And then later after I've gone and come back, she just sees me and straight away tells me to do whatever with two year old niece, and I just flipped it. I have a big family, and yes there are quite a few babies and little kids, and I love them, and that two year old.. she is a darling. But damn it, right now I want to mourn my not becoming a mother for yet another cycle, not be auntie Billy.

* In the name of correctness, it seems the chair was for the three year old girl (which does make more sense!) and not for the 10 months old.. Oh but should I mention that the girl's mother was my sister in law, the one with the same name as mine? The one who didn't flinch when the name Billy was called out as it was an assignment call, even if for her own daughter? [but that's for another day and another post, if at all]

EDT
Just went to sleep (and well, I better not post the time of this edit...), and guess who came knocking at my door? (hint: nobody at this time would be knocking on a real door). So I guess I now have an answer to my question (I thought the progesterone might delay it). Though I must say it's strange as just a few hours ago I started feeling it is about to come, which usually means a day or two. And actually to my horror I was lucky to find one last pad (I do have some tampons but I really don't like sleeping with them).

But now I am really doubting doing another IVF this month. I will say that as I am new to this, I really don't know if one starts an IVF right after the previous one, or not or what, but I do know that I hate the thought of not cycling, of sitting out and missing the chance to become a mother. Yes, it's probably only one month and what is one month one might ask. A lifetime would be my reply, 30 days of not even trying to create baby, or 720 hours or 2,592,000 seconds.
Doubting as I made an appointment with doctor for Wednesday night, and I suppose it will be O.K to start stims on CD4. But I would probably also have to have a day 2 (ha ha, a bit late for that..) u/s which means going to the IVF place and getting a referral for that (or even doing it there), but alas - I would have to be approved again for IVF! Which was quick but can't be that quick. So maybe I am not supposed to cycle right after previous cycle? I wish I had a manual for such things.. Anyway, as I am now seeing that doing a cycle now is not really a possibility, I think I will call doctor tomorrow and reschedule that appointment!
And yes, the pity party that took place earlier today is over and out :-).

The Beta Test

No, no, no! I am not about to report a miracle.. But I am glad I did it. It gave me a chance to do a dry run. You see, up till now I did Betas (if I went and did a Beta..) at the fertility clinic. But since I am now doing IVF, I am not their patient anymore. With a referral I can do the u/s and blood work (progesterone and E2) there, but not a Beta (unless I would like to pay for it. well, no thank you). So now I can do the Beta either at the IVF place or at the local lab (an option that was open also before, it just never occurred to me..).


Local lab

Advantages:
-> Well, as the word 'local' might imply, it is local.. In my town, within a walking distance.
-> The results are posted on the web. No human voice on the other side of the line telling me I am not pregnant.
- > Very nice GP, don't think getting referrals for Betas would be a problem (well hopefully I won't see the lovely and charming receptionist again... lol)

Disadvantages:
-> Does mean I have to go to dr. for a referral.*
-> The result was posted at about 16:00. Not sure how it goes at the IVF place, but at the fertility clinic they would phone with the results at about 13:00. For a person looking from the outside, it may seem like not such a difference, what is three hours.. But well, you know how it is when you are waiting for that Beta, how crazy could three more hours make you..


IVF Place

Advantages:
-> Results are probably in at around oneish (but really not sure about that).
-> No need to get a referral.
-> Don't need to phone IVF place and inform them of the result (and you know how much I hate that!)

Disadvantages:
->Location. While going there I could do it in one bus, coming back requires three buses.
-> Most likely they phone with the results (In IUI world I avoided Betas if I didn't think I was pregnant just so I wouldn't hear a "no" on the phone)



So if I summarize, I think I much prefer the local option. And as I did a dry run and now know when to expect an answer, it will probably be easier. Just keep busy until about 16:00..


* To answer a comment from previos post - yes, if it's just a referal you can phone and ask the doctor to prepare it and then just pick it up. But, well... twisted me hates the phone and would really rather go there herself.




    Friday, 24 July 2009

    "Dance me to the children who are asking to be born"

    Could it be that my children have not yet asked to be born? If so, would you please be kind enough and give them a nudge?
    [I "wonder" why that line stuck with me while sitting sulking in the doctors waiting room with the radio on in the background...]


    And it's not the doctor, he is really great, a very nice man (and added bonus that it is a six minute walk). He asked me if I needed two Beta referrals, I mumbled that one will do, but he still gave me two and told me not to lose hope.. As it is good for 90 days, I will use second one for next cycle..

    Well, the rule is that to see him in the morning, one doesn't need to make an appointment (for afternoon session you do). And since I hate picking up the phone and making appointments, I always go to him in the morning. I have never seen the receptionist when I come in the mornings. Until today, that is.
    Oh, and let me give you rule number two for how things work here - if a doctor (or any other body/institution/etc) has receiving hours of 8:00-10:00, it means that one can come until 10:00. It doesn't mean that you have to see the dr. (or what/whoever) till 10:00! See the difference? I guess in other parts of the world where things are more organized, 10:00 is 10:00..
    So, I'm there at 9:50, kind of surprised to see a receptionist who tells me I can't see him as he only works till ten (there were two people in front of me). Which of course got me annoyed. What do you mean?? So she asks if it's urgent. Yes, I say, it is urgent, which she then doubted. She continued with investigating what I was there for. Told her I needed a referral. And again she is - that's not urgent, come Sunday. And remember, it was still his receiving hours!
    she - a referral for what?
    me - tests
    she - what tests?
    Like I'm going to tell her what tests I need, really none of her business. Plus everyone in the waiting room could hear the conversation and I don't think I want to share my TTC efforts with the world. But the main reason is that I know she would then tell me how it is so not urgent. She was going on and on that if I need a referral, how I can come in on Sunday morning and then go to the lab and do the test. No, not really. For starts, I wasn't 100% sure he would give me a referral (though I was quite certain). And if he doesn't, it will already be too late to go to the IVF place and have it done there. Plus with his hours and the lab's hours, it is a tight squeeze.
    Stupid receptionist (who did receive people after me with no problem, because they had a legit reason. argh!). And you want to know the absurd? I was really no more than two minutes inside, I mean how long can printing out a referral take!?


    EDT (Sat night): Thank you for wishing me good luck with the Beta, but please don't. As I wrote in previous post, I got a big fat negative. Though I was wishing and hoping maybe perhaps there is a faded second line, and I did look at it about a hundred times during the weekend, I can tell you that no, there is nothing there (not even an evaporation line..). A line is a line, and a negative is a negative. [and one would think that getting negative outcomes (whether by peeing or Betas or just getting a period) would become easier and not harder. hmmphh]
    I am doing the Beta test tomorrow out of pure protocol (dr. asked me to do one whatever happens). And yes, I am probably hoping for some kind of miracle, but I know me. I know that I am not feeling it (not talking here about symptoms, but about an inner feeling), just emptiness, therefore it is a not. I do believe in my inner knowledge, and know that when it will be, I will feel it, know it.

    POASed

    After a tough night where I was hardly able to sleep. Yes, I resisted the temptation of testing there and then as I am a day earlier than what I thought I was. So, even so I really felt I am not pregnant (that feeling in the boob, is more in the direction of fading than getting stronger..), I still had a hard time falling asleep in anticipation. And this morning... At about 5:30* woke up (after ahhhmmmm maybe about three hours of sleep), and well...
    I did the test not expecting to see a positive result, and lo and behold, I don't see a second line. [actually, in a certain angle I can see a very very very very very very faint shadow of a line., and again only when holding the stick at a certain angle. So probably just my hopes and imagination]. Nevertheless, I am still so very much disappointed. Feeling like enough is enough.

    Someone in my forum who has just got a negative on her eighth IUI and heading to IVF posted her about her fears of IVF and about feeling such a failure. One of the women, trying to comfort her, shared her story of how after about 7 or 8 IUIs she continued to IVF and how the 7th attempt was successful. She began the journey at 39 and gave birth to her son at 43 - after almost 4 years of trying! Her point was that all the effort is worth it because there will be a child in the end, but I was thinking - 4 years.. I am going at it a bit over one year (one and a quarter...) and really don't know how I can do this any such longer. Just feels like enough is enough. You had fun long enough, now just give me my baby. And I'm also thinking of becoming a mother at 43. I feel like becoming a mother at 40 will make me an old mother, so 43?? Her child is 4.4 now, and she is almost 50. I don't want that, not with first child. And of course that would mean that I would have to most likely give up on a second child (there's an age limit of 45).

    So let me just go to a corner and and feel miserable and sad and like it never will happen. Have to go later on this morning to my GP to get a referral for a Beta (otherwise I have to do it at IVF place, which not only is really not fun getting there, but most likely will telephone with the results, which I really can't. Especially as at around the time they are supposed to phone I will be at a family gathering. If I do it locally, the results will be posted on the web, no call. And yes, locally, as in less than half an hour's walk. IVF place.. 1.5 hours by bus. Only thing is, I need a referral to do the test there.). Kind of feels like what's the point..

    * must have been somewhat earlier by this post's publish time....

    Wednesday, 22 July 2009

    To Test or Not To Test

    I am both very much doubting it worked but at the same time still clinging on to hope that it did. I am not asking in general whether to test - since it is IVF and I'm on support, I will be doing a Beta, but that will be on Sunday. I am wondering whether to buy tomorrow a HPT and test Fri morning (hmmm... if I do buy a HPT, probably a pack of two, I doubt if I will be able to resist testing once I get home..), or to just wait for the Beta.

    The thing is I have no signs, not that I was expecting any at this early stage, except for a very very very mild soreness in my nipples. And I know from last time that that is the sign I am searching for, that if something it will be my nipples. But it is so weak, a tiny bit stronger now at night (I can vaguely feel something sitting), but during the day I had to lie on my back to feel some small itch/tickle like sensation, if at all. It started (the so called "soreness") last night, and I was thinking that it is still early [yesterday was 7dp3dt wait! I thought I was 12 days today, obviously included the day of the transfer in my counting.. And to think that just today I read a post about someone who did the same mistake counting from her IUI!!! In her case it was errrr as it meant another day to wait. In my case it's actually making me feel better, as anyway Sunday is the day of the Beta, but at least I know that I'm a bit earlier than what I thought.. See, was worth sitting and writing this post if only to make such a discovery! lol].

    So I am feeling a bit of soreness, but I can't help asking myself - is it real? Am I so focusing, so wanting it that I'm making myself feel it? But mainly - does it have to do with the progesterone I'm taking? Because progesterone is the hormone that causes soreness in the boobs (well at least as far as I know), so if I wouldn't be trying or anything and just taking prog for two weeks three times a day, I might also feel something in my boobs, no? Or maybe I'm talking rubbish here?

    I think what I was beginning to say before is that I was only going to buy a HPT if I felt there's a chance I might be pregnant. But then Sunday is my Beta, results probably in the afternoon. Sunday afternoon... happens to be when my brother and his family (who don't live in Israel, but are coming here for a holiday) are coming over to my mum's and all the family. I really do not want to hear a negative in such a situation (you try keeping me away from the computer to see the result!). If it is going to be a negative, I need my space and time to cry and be miserable. And I guess if the HPT is a negative, then Sunday's negative (yes, if) won't catch me by surprise.

    Well I suppose I should say thank-you for listening. So will buy me some tests tomorrow..

    Tuesday, 21 July 2009

    ICLW (welcome to my blog:-))

    So.. time again for ICLW :-) I don't participate every month, so when I do I think it should be great fun!! Up till now I haven't been doing introductions like I saw so many others do, this month I'm going to give it a go..
    Last month I saw (actually I think I may have seen it before, but back then I wasn't going to do one myself, so it doesn't count..) a way of introduction I liked - for every letter of the ABC, writing something about me or my blog. Well, I'm gonna do my list in Hebrew - a. because I can; b. because there are 22 letters in Hebrew, so 4 less letters to break my head on (and believe me, there are some letters.... in fact there is still one problematic letter!); c. No X!
    So:

    א - Ima (mummy)
    Isn't it a sweet word.. And well since my whole blog is about my journey to motherhood (and of course once I reach it, about being a mother), what could be more appropriate than that word to open the list?

    ב - blog (yep we also say blog in He..)
    Blogging, such a wonderful thing! How great we live in an age where anyone can post their thoughts and feelings and people from far and away can read and relate and respond and the world just becomes this small little village :-)

    ג - gil (age)
    I am 39 years old, or as the clinics like to put it - 39.1 (actually, point two by now..).

    ד - dimayon (imagination)
    Have lots of it! Just bought a book about guided imagination (though I haven't yet opened it..), so that will be interesting. [I have experienced something or rather here and there in group situations, but a. I think solo is better; b. I hate hate hate to be told to close my eyes. I hate closing my eyes in public plus I really don't need to, as my imagination works just fine with eyes opened or closed.

    ה - hazraot shmo'ne (eight inseminations)
    I have done eight inseminations. Out of which I had two chemicals (though I didn't do a Beta or a HPT for the second, I know without a doubt that it was..). I was quite lucky that it was short, getting my period within days (probably helped that I wasn't on progesterone support).
    My first four were natural unmedicated cycles, and then the next four were medicated (gonal-f).

    ו - ve'IVF ehad (and one IVF)
    Just had my first IVF, in fact I'm now in the middle of the tww.. well, actually passed the middle (did you know this strange and bizarre fact that if I go over the dates today [how long ago I had the transfer, the insemination retrieval!, triggered], then by morrow those numbers only shift by one digit??? And worse, if I do so in the morning and then at night then there's no change at all??)

    ז - zera torem (donor sperm)
    Trying to become a mother using donor sperm. An anonymous donor in my case.

    ח - ha'tulim (cats)
    Cats cats cats cats, too many cats here. I am dying to get rid of most of them (and to be left with just Jupiter and Michelle), but I don't seem to be able to do so. I am concerned about it.

    ט - teva (nature)
    I am a nature girl :-) I just love nature so much. My ideal home would be in the country, far from all the noise and dirt and smoke and all other evils of cities. Birds singing, dogs free to play, trees, plants etc etc etc.

    י - yehidanit mibhira (single [mother] by choice)
    Trying to become a single mother by choice. Another greatness of the era in which we live - just because I'm not with a partner, doesn't mean I am doomed to be childless. Today more and more woman are going this route, in fact younger and younger women are turning to this option which is great in so many ways (higher chances of success; a younger mother; enough time to add a sibling, etc.).

    כ - ???
    Do I write about everyone or about how many/much/long? Maybe about some pain or ache? About my dog I used to have (She was such an amazing thing. She died more than three years ago, and I still miss her so much). About money? About tools or pillows?? Couldn't find something worth writing here..

    ל - le'at (slow/ly)
    I do everything so slowly, too slowly. It's not that I'm zen or calm or the likes, it's that I'm such a terrible procrastinator!

    מ - mishpaha (family)
    My family is very important to me, they play an important role in my life. Funny, growing up my family was really not a pretty sight, but somehow nowadays.... (and not that there isn't still grea room for improvement, but still..). I have 4 sisters and a brother, each so very different from me (and from each other), I often wondered if instead of being born to the same parents, they would have been my class mates if we would have been friends, and I would have to answer that probably not, but being my siblings.. Well I am glad they are who they are :-).

    נ - neh'mada (nice)
    Yeah, I think I'm a nice person :-).

    ס - sakranit (curious)
    Oh, I am such a curious person! I love to learn and find out and discover!

    ע - ekronot (principles)
    I am that annoying person who has these principles, "oh, you and your principles" I am told.. But I am grateful I am such a person. These principles will be by me side by side raising my kids. Now I'm not saying that whatever principle you have, you must always stick to it. One can change, evolve, have a new understanding.

    פ - pashtida (quish)
    My faviourite food, especially onion quiche.

    צ - tzofa (an observer)
    Goes with being curious, I love watching people. Sitting on the bus, looking outside into the street, and just watching passersby. I think blogs do the same thing - looking into other people's lives. I (mostly) can't see who is behind the keyboard, but I can see the words that are written. And yes, unlike watching people in the street were I'm completely passive, here I do play an active role, but I still think it's another form of observing the world :-).

    ק - kri'a (reading)
    Love reading. We just had book's week in which books are sold at a big reduction (and that continues beyond the said week..), and yes I couldn't resist buying some books. I am, though, a slow reader.

    ר - regisha (sensitive)
    I am a very sensitive person, probably over sensitive, which does cause me to be the reverse sometimes - numb like over feelings.

    ש - shketa (quiet)
    I am a very quiet person :-)

    ת - tmima (naive)
    Yes, I'm naive too (too naive).

    Friday, 17 July 2009

    Names

    More than two years ago, perhaps closing on three, I had chosen my kids' names - a name for a boy and a name for a girl. Years before that I used to play around with names I would call my children, names that I loved, but that came and went as I said that I would have to see child first before actually giving her/him a name. But somehow.. with these two names.. I knew at that instance that they were here to stay (though I am still reserving the right to change my mind once, tfu tfu tfu, I get to see my little one/s). And sometimes I am almost bursting with this "secret" of mine. My sisters do know my boy's name, as it was given quite recently to a relative's new-born son and I was so disappointed that my name was "stolen". But still my two names are my inner treasure and I would so love the day to come when it would be everyone's knowledge.

    And yesterday I asked my mother if there were any names she would really rather me not give my child (not that I suspect any problem with my chosen names), well not really. She then asked if I prefer long or short names (long!) to which she asked about the name Yonatan [=Jonathan in Hebrew], and yes I l-o-v-e that name (though it is not my chosen name :-D). She then asked if I will always call child by the long name. Honestly, I really don't know how I will call him or her, but I do find it funny that kids with short names tend to have long nick-names and those with long names - shortened nick-names.. We continued talking a bit about names in the family, well her side of the family to be exact. Which got me thinking.

    When I proclaimed those two names, I also declared (to myself..) that I don't want my child to have a second name. Second names aren't common here, and there was something about always having to explain the issue of a second name. I do love both my first and second names, and I am happy these are my names, wouldn't trade them for the world, but still, my second name made me a bit different from the others.
    Not to mention the second names my father* would like a son of mine to have - first set of names: one I really dislike so no way my child will be getting that name, the other... I rather not say why not, but again - no. Now he has a new set of names where again one name I completely dislike and the other will be just too weird, though I do kind of like it (as a second name, that is), it just doesn't fit with the first name [o.k will disclose that both are biblical names, one is a father the other his son, and that feels too weird and wrong for me). So I was all about not giving my child a second name.

    But I think after that conversation I had a change of heart. I think I do want to give my child a second name (and if I have a boy would have to tell my father no to his suggested names..). I even chose them (well actually it was vice versa - thinking of these names got me thinking that yes, I want my child to have a second name. My child anyway will be different on so many levels, so what's a name :-)). And I love these second names I chose (actually have to admit that with the girl I am less certain how well it sounds, but I think it's o.k.), I love the fact that (in one case together with first name) both the boy's names and the girl's connect to both my father's side and my mother's. If my child has nothing from his/her paternal side, let her/him at least have a strong connection to my family from both my sides!

    * Not that he has yet asked me, but he did for all his grandsons and I do know him.. I do hope and believe he will be happy with my choice.

    Monday, 13 July 2009

    seven

    First time here in Perfect Moment Monday :-)

    I have a sister who like me, is the only non parent sibling. She is 37 years old, and I am very concerned about her as I do want to see her become a mother and I know she will be this great wonderful mummy.
    Except.. When I first told her of my plans to become an SMC (more than two years ago) she told me how she could never go that route. How, if the worst came to the worst and she didn't find the right guy, that she would settle for whoever and build her family with compromise guy (will add that unlike me, she is on the dating scene). And all the time she was about how single motherhood was not for her.
    And then a few weeks ago I asked her to check her hormonal profile (FSH, TSH etc), just to be in the know of what her body has to say. To have a general idea if she does have some time, or if she should really start doing something. She said she prefers not, as she would be all stressed out by it [will just mention that she is the sister who refused to check for the BRCA gene, a breast cancer gene that our father has]. And again talked about how she couldn't become a single mother, how that is not for her.
    So the other day (in fact, the day of my retrieval - I do believe it's connected) she mentioned how she couldn't sleep, tossing and turning over the question of whether she will ever be a mother, and then talked about how she is beginning to consider the option of single motherhood. While I would still be more than delighted to have her dream family with a husband and all become a reality, I am so glad that she is starting to open up to other options, and that she won't let her fantasy of a husband and then a child come between her and motherhood. Unfortunately we woman have only a limited amount of years when we come reproduce, and I do believe that a hubby can be found after becoming mothers, that it doesn't have to be A followed by B.
    So having her begin to open up to other options, that was a perfect moment for me :-).

    Sunday, 12 July 2009

    four

    four. Out of ten eggs less than half fertilized. Wasn't sure if 10 was good or bad or what, but out of the ten only four to fertilize???? And I know I only need one nice embryo to implant and I was really trying not to have high expectations, but 4?? [which also happens to be my unlucky number]
    I'll go in on Tue and have the transfere and all, but if out of 20 follicles (well actually the last day I went for a sono there were 16, but that jumped from 12 on the previous day, so I think I can assume I had 20) I got only 10 eggs, and out of the 10 eggs only 4 were fertilized, what are the odds that they will implant, what are the odds that I'll see a pregnancy here!?


    Oh, and you want to know what weird horrifying dream I had last night? Not for the faint of heart, please go away if you are such a person because it really is bad. So, in this dream I had last night, I wanted to eat a cat so I went about killing a cat, except it didn't really die, was just laying there helpless, looking at me. That didn't stop me putting cat into grill. Cat came out of grill scorched on one side (the side it lay on), but was still completely alive, albeit very weak and not able to move, only look at me with it's eyes, hoping for some mercy that wasn't to be. I don't think a wicked and twisted mind that can come up with such a dream will be a mother, not in this round.

    Saturday, 11 July 2009

    The Retrieval

    All went well. Both sisters #1 & #3 came which was really great :-). When anaesthetist told me (after connecting the IV) that I am now falling asleep, I was thinking it will still take some time (and I think I was waiting for the count down they always have on T.V). Well it must have been as he said LOL. I don't know how long it took (feels like in no time at all, though I was dreaming while sedated) but suddenly someone tells me I can open my eyes, and I'm awake! (and on a bed which was rolling to recovery). Imagine that - someone tells me to open my eyes, and puff I'm awake.. [I am a very deep sleeper..]. Anyway, you want to know what my first question was? No, not how many eggs were harvested (though that was the second..) or any other logical questions. but if while sedated I was with closed or open eyes! (and I'm ignoring the fact that I was told to open them hence they must have been closed!). I think it was my way of being in shock that it was over so quickly..

    And now for the results.......... 10 eggies :-) They'll call me tomorrow to tell me how many fertilized, and probably Tuesday will be the transfer.

    Thank-you all for all your good wishes!

    Friday, 10 July 2009

    TTTTTTTTTTTRIGGERED!

    2:00 am. great time for a trigger :-). especially when only at 23:15 was told a final time and only at midnight went to sleep and woke up very early previous day and tomorrow also begins bright and early.

    [ER - Sat around noon]

    So I'll just say I'm tttttttttired.
    Oh, and wow am I excited!!!!! :-)

    Thursday, 9 July 2009

    ta tank



    So today I went to "fetch" my tank. Yes, I kind of had an idea of what it might be from pictures I saw in some of the blogs. What I didn't take into account is how damn f***ing heavy it is! And please don't forget, I am doing this by bus, well actually buses, three to be exact (yes, very much out of the way this IVF place) and let me add two more words - hot & humid. And of course there was walking between bus stops. So really not a delight. Getting off the last bus, having the last stretch to walk (without the heavy load and in a cooler temp - 7 minutes or less), you can guess how happy I was to see a shopping cart standing there on the grass under a tree. Of course I grabbed it! (there's no shop any where near there, so I wasn't nicking it from a store or something)


    Tomorrow I'm supposed to take tank to a tour - first to the sperm bank, then to IVF place. Arrggg... Well. I just had to ask for help here! So asked sister #1, and since she needs to be at place X at a certain time and later on at place Y, she mentioned having her daughter (who's 20) helping - daughter will drive mother (and me) to place X, then take me and my tank to the bank (with Frank on a plank?) then come back to pick up her mother. A solution which of course I would have grabbed with both my hands. But... hmmm... problem is I haven't yet told niece about trying to conceive and not that I'm doing it using donor sperm. I do want to have a talk with her and two other of my nephews (ages 18 and 13, the rest are mostly too young or don't live here). I want them to know that it's not something I am ashamed of, that the father issue is not this dark secret - wouldn't like my child growing up with that in his background! But I think I would rather tell them once I'm pregnant, and not before (though I wouldn't be surprised if they already know something, that's why I empathized that I haven't told her..). So having her take me to the sperm bank and then to IVF place - could be quite awkward (also, take into account the difference between telling at leisure in your own time, and doing so out of circumstances). Luckily sis#1 and I will manage by ourselves. Another phew off my chest..


    P.S
    Now hoping hard they don't tell me to have another scan/blood work tomorrow, as that would completely ruin our plans.

    Wednesday, 8 July 2009

    Long time no talk about my messy house :-) It is in waves where it gets better and worse, but somehow even when in the best of the betters, never really clean and tidy, not a place I could invite people over to or (shhhh) raise a child. No, a lot of work needs to be done here. But I am so unable to. I just feel so energyless about it (actually I don't know when I lost my energy [not that I ever was so full of it] but I am quite energyless in general in life and specifically in the cleaning and tiding of my house). And lazy too, very lazy. Could blame how hot it is here (here as in Israel but also as in my house which is really hot and add to that no air-conditioning), but I know it's just an excuse, that even if the weather was brilliant, that I wouldn't have done much on the home front. I know I should do something small every day, not putting too much work and effort but slowly slowly get things going. It does work when I'm up to it. But lately - can't even that.
    But I think there's more to it than just lack of energy. I do believe I am putting off working on my house until I actually have a child, or at least am pregnant. Like having a nice clean house just for me isn't good enough, I need something beyond that to get going. So much like what both Battynurse and Becoming Whole wrote recently, I am not living the here and now but some kind of hopeful future. When I'll be pregnant I'll work on my house. Not now - now is just an insignificant measure of waiting time between the present and the desired future.
    And maybe this putting off, especially now, is because of me still not believing I will ever be pregnant or have my own baby? Yes, on one hand I feel very positive about this cycle,but on the other hand still can't see it happening.


    P.S
    According to the nurse, retrieval (transfer? I think I am now bit confused as to what is what, anyway the one where the eggs are harvested) will probably be Fri or Sat, I hope more towards Sat-Sun.

    Tuesday, 7 July 2009

    more numbers

    R - 12, 15, 16, 16, 17
    L - 13, 15, 16, 17, 18
    lining - 8

    I think Right heard me praising Left and decided to show me.. Though it does somewhat puzzle me - I can understand the 12 that wasn't counted on Sunday, as it must have been in the 'under ten' category, but from where did the other (presumably the 15) come!?

    And.. the cetrotite is to prevent me ovulating, right? Because 17,18 is just about ovulation for me and I so don't need the stress of ovulating this week. Sunday (actually, I believe they do IVFs also on Saturdays [yay for that!], so - ) Saturday and onwards will be fine.
    And why will it be stressful if done earlier you ask :-). Well for two reasons:
    1. Unlike up till now where I brought my own thermos to the bank (bank #1) in which they put the sperm to take to the clinic or just been given it in a paper bag (bank#2), I am now asked to first go to the IVF place, pick up some kind of tank (for a very high deposit, I hope it won't be something I'll be embarrassed to go on a bus with) and then go get the sperm and return the tank [I believe I didn't mention how out of the way this IVF place, not looking forward for this going and coming maneuver!]. Anyway since I was told I need to give a week's notice when I want the tank, we decided (back when I just began, not knowing when exactly will be "a week before") that this weekend should be good timing, so I'm scheduled to get the tank on Thurs and return it with the sperm on Fri. I'm sure if I end up needing it earlier, I could ask, and I'm sure it will be able to be arranged, but the stress involved..
    2. Ended up asking sister #3 to take me to IVF (both for retrieval and transfer). She mentioned she has something this Thursday and I said - no problem, it won't be before Sunday. I suppose if it will be earlier than what I predicted, I could ask sister #1, but I would prefer not having to ask at the last minute..

    Sunday, 5 July 2009

    My scan

    She started of with my right ovary, pausing after dictating first number to the typist, which got me thinking things aren't too bright. Ended up having three there, so not too bad.
    Then came my left ovary, which as usual rocks!

    So..
    on the right I have: 12,13,14
    on the left I have :10,12,12,13,13
    lining: 6.5
    I think I'm pleased :-)

    And then there was the blood draw. Nice nurse on seeing my arm said - 'oh, I see they always take blood from this spot. Why don't we give it a bit of a rest and draw the blood from another spot?' Yeah, of course she meant well and she was only thinking of me, but from my experience, when they say lets find another place, that other place is going to hurt! Not to mention that she had me pumping, and I hate pumping.. (somehow the nurses who usually take my blood [today's nurse was not one of the regulars], though I have small veins* don't ask me to pump [and of course do it where it doesn't hurt..]. At the lab [not the clinic], btw, they always take blood from me with a butterfly [if it's also called so in English, the one used for little kids!]).

    * When I used to donate blood (don't anymore not for lack of want) on seeing my veins, they would make me pump and pump and pump and pump (at least today it was just a few squeezes). Sometimes they gave me a ball, usually not, and that was the worst part of it all..

    EDT: for the person who googled: "single mom" ivf -octuplets - not all us single mum's to be are crazy, in fact most of us aren't.. And I might as well add and tell you how boring I will be to be returning only one or two embryos!

    Saturday, 4 July 2009

    Well, did my first mixing injection tonight :-)
    Yesterday, to top of a stressful day, I looked at the monopur leaflet and... let me quote you the instructions: "After mixing the powder in the solvent, the medicine can be administered by subcutaneous or intramuscular injection. The content of up to 3 vials of powder can be dissolved in one ampoule of solvent. (and another line regarding timing)". EXCUSE ME? After mixing the powder? That's all the how to instructions I get??? Not worth a few more words about how to open the ampoule or where do I shove the needle in first [i.e the solvent or the powder] or whatever? Not even talking about pictures to illustrate (and don't let me talk about it being a weekend). Luckily I am not the first and people on my SMC board took me step by step (including really helpful videos) how to do it. The breaking of the ampoule - that was a bit scary! And then the vacuum... not sure how well I did, but I guess good enough as to get something in me, LOL. And yes, inserting that needle (the "smaller" one) into my body was frightening!

    Now hoping to see something in the scan tomorrow!
    I am definitely feeling my ovaries, feeling physically but also emotionally, feeling some kind of motherhood or don't know how to call it over these eggies. I have an image of some kind of animal, but really not sure which, maybe a fish (but way too many eggs and there doesn't seem to be any love..) or a sea-horse (but then it's the male) or a crocodile taking her young in her mouth (after they are hatched, not exactly my eggies..) or maybe all three together combined..
    And am drinking a-l-o-t. I usually quiet neglect drinking (and tend to have headaches from that. Not a good idea in a hot climate to go without drinking..), but now, don't want to have OHSS (or whatever it's called) so trying to drink 2l a day (o.k, I doubt if I reach that goal, but still..).

    Friday, 3 July 2009

    Learning Curve

    The fact that one can buy syringes at the pharmacy and that they won't blink an eye when selling them is something I learned a long time ago due to kittens I was feeding (needless to say, without the needles..), and there's also my sister who used syringes (again, without the needles) as a way of giving medicine to her sick child (I actually like that method - a. you know exactly how much; b. much easier to slowly push the syringe than to force him to swallow from a spoon). So today, buying the Menopur (which, yay, they approved it quickly and with no problem!) the pharmacist asked if I needed syringes. Seems it comes without. Saying yes, she poured more and more syringes onto the counter (20* in all. Should have waited with the pic on last post..). Looking at those big needles, I asked if she doesn't have any smaller ones (because part of my previous learning was that you can get different sizes..), to which she replies that not to worry, those needles are for mixing and gave me another 20 small needles. So my second lesson for today is that one can buy small needles without the actual syringe at the pharmacy... [I'm sure that one day this information will come in handy!]

    Second lesson.. first was regarding the white, blue and pink cards at the clinic. Up till now I had a white card, which meant I was a patient there and no problem with scans and blood work and beta, but couldn't quite figure out the blue and pink cards. I understood they were for outer patients, but not the difference between them. Today, as head nurse heard I wanted my blood results faxed to where I'm doing IVF (unfortunately they are not equipped to do IVF at the clinic), she threw my white card to the trash and kind of scolded at me for not showing the referral I had (didn't know my status would change..). So now I have a blue card for blood and a pink one for u/s which are both a one month card (the white was for as long as), and every new cycle (of course hoping and believing this will be the cycle, but just in case..) have to show referrals to get those cards, making me treatable. And Beta will now be done locally (which actually beyond the advantage of being near, is also better since results will be by computer, i.e will not be hearing a human voice saying - no, your not pregnant..).

    [actually I think today's first was that sub-q is not into the muscle, lol, and not sure how the menopur works (on the box it says both), but hopefully I'm "getting away" without those IM injections..]


    * I really doubt I will be doing 20 of these injections, lol. I mean I still don't know how and what and when, and am taking things a step at a time, but 20?? Well they are really cheap and came with a discount (funny thing was getting a discount for them. I mean I do have a discount on the meds and they love showing that on the receipt, but instead of paying 4.44 shekels [about 1.11$] to pay 0.67 shekels for the syringes.... oh, I am not complaining, it is just funny) and no harm having them around.

    EDT - Friday 16:30 can sigh now with relief - phew! Had a scan this morning, faxed results to IVF place, phoned to see if received (as was instructed), and nothing, couldn't get hold of them. O.K, don't panic, it's Fri you will get a call from them with instructions. Only at about 15:30 [=very, very late on a Fri] did I get those instructions - today 250 ml and tomorrow 250 ml. O.K time to panic!! I have a pen of 450 which I started yesterday, no way do I have the amount he wants. And yes, of course it has to happen on Fri when all the pharmacies close at about 13:00 and while there are emergency pharmacies for the weekend, I need one that is with my HMO and that does fertility drugs - how the hell do I find it???
    After trying to see if anyone (on the boards) has anything (actually there was someone who jut announced she has a 900 pen to give, but that kind of seems wrong as I will probably only need one dose, pity to waste it all if she can give it to someone else who will use more of it). Finally called dr. who told me I can start tomorrow with the menopur. Phew, good thing I did manage to get it today. I suppose that all's well that ends well.

    Wednesday, 1 July 2009

    Show & Tell #5


    Show and Tell



    So finally I too have a little pile of meds to show off! And yes, I know it is little (though I must say that I was in kind of a shock when the pharmacist came back with a basket full..) in regards to the piles I've seen on other blogs :-D. But I think it's because I'm on a short protocol, and well I do have a drug missing - Menopur. Seems that besides having an approval for IVF in general, you also need for some of the meds. I am a bit worried about it because I've read now that they don't easily give these approvals. Well, all I can do now is hope for the best.
    I am also a bit worried regarding the gonal-f. Since I still had a pen of 300 (dr. wanted 187.5 for 4 days, i.e 750 units), he gave me a prescription for a 450 pen (at first he wanted to give me one for the 900). I thought I will start taking it on day 3, but they told me to start taking it yesterday (CD2) and have a scan and blood work on Fri. I just hope I have enough stuff (will try using a syringe).
    Oh and if I'm on the worried mode, then there's also the Cetrotide. On the way home from the pharmacy I looked at the instructions. I think I'll manage with - use yellow needle for this and other for that and all that's involved in preparing it (yes, the easiness of gonal makes one somewhat spoilt...), but then they say (after you inserted needle into self) to pull back the planger and if there's blood it's no good, to throw it away and start from scratch. Is that (having blood) something that happens often (and I must be very careful, maybe go and have a nurse show me first how to) or is it a rare thing they just have to warn about and if I know how to with the gonal, I should be o.k here? [Not worried about the blood, but about having to throw the vial away and use a new one].

    Before I carry on to the second part of my show & tell, why don't you hop along to Mel's blog and see what the rest of the class is showing*?



    I am sorry that I don't remember on what blog I saw this mantra [so if it was from your blog please tell me so I'll be able to give you credit!], but I really liked it. I don't usually do mantras (well never actually..), not for any particular reason except laziness (and maybe not fully believing they could change things?). But as I said, I really liked this and I am very positive about this cycle, so I'm giving it a go.

    It says:
    To you, my child, my body is open.
    To you, my child, my heart is open.
    To you, my child, my mind is open.
    By all there is and all there will,
    In my arms you will be.


    * Hope I got the link o.k as I am a bit ealry for class..