Thursday, 2 July 2015

Noga

Image result for venus moon

Noga is the Hebrew for Venus. The meaning of the word is brightness, glow. In the bible, Noga was one of King David's men, so originally it was a masculine name, but today it is very much a girl's name. Noga was my intended name for my child, whether girl or boy.
I know it's weird having a name before you are even pregnant (which obviously is not to be). but I feel very strongly to this name. In fact, it was only when this name came to me that I managed to start trying for a second child. I wanted to start T42 when daughter was two, but I couldn't get to move on it until, as I said, I had the name.


Post is a response to the images on FB of a huge Venus and a small Jupiter side by side. Jupiter, by the way it Tzedek in Hebrew, which means justice, fairness. Just saying..

Friday, 26 June 2015

Where to begin..

Well with T42, I suppose.

That last attempt failed and then quickly before turning 45 I've tried one more last time. The fact is that until the age of 45 (or 2 children) you can have fertility treatments at a much lower price. After that it's full price. It was difficult for me financially when it wasn't full price, no way can I carry on after I've reach the 45 mile stone.

This time I went with a private doctor (up till now I tried to minimize expenses and just went with what the clinic offered). And also with an acupuncturist. Wow, that was amazing and I am so sorry I didn't go before. All of  my 8 eggs that were harvested were fertilized. Granted one of them only after the retrieval but still, seven out of 8!!! So she was amazing, but the doctor.. he was lousy. I am so sorry I went with him. I felt pressed for time so I went with the first doctor available. And he really was crap.

For start he put me on a lot of hormones. When I bought the prescriptions, the pharmacists looked at me and asked if I was sure I needed all that. I was used to doctors writing prescriptions for more than necessary, just to be on the safe side and thought that I'd probably end with quite a bit of medicine leftover which I would pass on. Hmmm.. no. We used it all. I feel so damn for that because clearly I have wronged my body (I still haven't received my period, I think I'm already 4 weeks late. And no, there is no baby inside me).

Then there was the transfer. The one thing I hate most about the transfer is the anaesthesia. I just can't bare waking up from it. So a few cycles ago I tried without, and it wasn't too bad, likewise previous cycle. So again I wanted to do it with no anaesthesia. Well he really wasn't pleased about that! He can't do his job properly, because he doesn't like the idea of hurting me.. I don't buy that. It's probably easy when the patient is out unconscious, not aware of what's happening and you don't have to careful with her body. Anyway I did insist on no anaesthetise, and so it was..

Now we come to the retrieval. I am just so sad by this. Well first there is the part where only when I'm half naked with my legs spread open, do he and the embryologist talk to me about how many eggs to return. Initially I didn't want more that 3. But when I was in such a state, I just went with whatever they said, which was 4. Was not pleased with that. But that's the least. After he inserted the embryos [and I should add, all on one needle. Isn't that too risky?] he didn't say lets see that the needle is clean of eggs (like some doctors do), he didn't tell me to wait a bit. No, he pulled the chair down, but maybe because he didn't know the chair or for whatever reason, it was with a jerk. I have just been inseminated with my most precious embryos. Precious as this is my last ever cycle. And I last my baby due to an incompetent doctor who jerked the chair down. He obviously knew he did something wrong because he then said something stupid about not going to the toilet. Which you know, they want you with a full bladder so you do need to go.  I waited of course as much as I could (20 minutes like he said).

I am so devastated and so upset that I didn't even have a chance this cycles. My babies were killed even before they got a chance to enter me. And I can tell you, I know they had never been in me. All of my cycles, I have ALWAYS felt my breast twinge. Mostly for just one little instance, sometimes more (previous cycle I really felt my breasts sore. Until they stopped, which was when I knew it was a negative. I do believe I was pregnant but probably there was something wrong with the the embryo). This cycle there was absolutely nothing. The sad thing is that I always thought it was side effect of the progesterone. Well like with the meds leading to the transfer, I was over dosed with prog to a point that my lower tummy was really hurting, stretching kind of hurting. But nothing in the boobs. And I am so sad and so upset by this, I can hardly sleep at night. It just hurts to much.

So now I am trying to re-look at my family. We are a family of two and like this we will be. I really wanted a sibling for my girl. I grew up in a family of 6 kids and I always wanted a big family. Okay, I would compromise for two, but one?? My daughter doesn't have a father or a sibling. I feel a twinge sometimes about the father part. Most kids have, she doesn't. But about the no sibling? I so wish I could give her a brother or a sister. And oh, most kids around us have siblings. In fact there is always a pregnant mother in our homeschooling group, but maybe that's for another post..

This has been a long post, but I did have to tell the whole story. You see, it's eating me up and I have no one I can tell this to, I had to vent. Anyway since it's long, I'll update about Butterfly some other time..

Sunday, 22 March 2015

A Ray of Hope

Sorry I haven't been here in s-u-c-h a long time! A lot has happened.. Butterfly learnt to ride a bicycle (without training wheels) within a day - due to riding a balance bike for two year. All she had to learn was how to peddle, because she already knew how to keep her balance. She is now flourishing socially. It is lovely to watch her! We have just moved to a new place (are still in the process of unpacking), and..

I am currently in my last tww ever. Last not because I know I will end with a baby, but because I won't be able to do any more cycles. I know that at least I have my daughter, and she is wonderful and amazing and all, but I still would have really wanted to have more than one child. Yesterday we were at her cousin's birthday party and daughter was being motherly towards his baby brother - something she has never done before, and that made me so sad knowing that chances are that I won't be able to give her a little brother or sister.

At 8dpo I peed on a stick. Completely naughty me, I know.. The previous day my boobs were hurting me a lot and then the next day nothing. So I decided to use the last pee stick I had at home, believing it's a negative but hoping to at least see a positive due to the trigger. It was negative and I completely crushed. I hate this IVF with the progesterone supplement that makes your boobs hurt and you wonder whether it's an early pregnancy symptom or just the supplement. And yes, there is a ray of hope, and I am oh, so hoping [if you can, please look up tonight at the stars, at Venus in particular, and send some positive energy. thank you!]. But as much as I am hoping, I do know the chances are slim. As much as I would like, I can't stop taking now the progesterone, as long as there is a little bit of hope. And I hate this little bit of hope that doesn't let me get over this cycle and really morn not being able to produce a sibling.

P.S
Moving houses during the tww - a great way to put your mind of this crazy thought roller coaster -- some of the time.


EDT after publishing this post I went and read posts from my successful cycle. Unfortunately this cycle doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Reading over there, while I totally didn't believe I was pregnant, I did have some sensitive feeling in the boobs. While I can't say I have completely nothing now, it is becoming less and less. But I also liked what I wrote there about hope, just what I was trying to write here...

P.S.S - this is my 404th post. 404 - isn't that the number you get when you get to a web page that doesn't exist anymore?? [i.e baby #2]

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I See the Sea

Last year I wanted to take Butterfly to the sea. Okay, at the beginning of the season we went a couple of times with my mother and sister and kids, but I wanted to go solo with her and more than just once or twice. Unfortunately we then had a polio scare (more an exaggerated scare) in which kids were given to the mouth drops of live vaccine. Since my daughter is not vaccinated, I preferred staying away from places she might get it. So the sea became a big no-no.

Then this year, our homeschooling group decided that since it is too hot in the summer to meet at place X during the morning-early afternoon, that we shall shift to a late afternoon beach gathering. Yay, I thought! We shall have lots of sea this year!  Well. hmmm... so far none! I mean there was a first gathering which I couldn't attend but then... again, a big no-no.

Because it is a big open place with no where I know to run to in case of rockets. Because this is our reality now. I have to add that I am not saying this side is right or wrong or that this side is suffering more or suffering less. I feel sorry for the civilians on the other side who are also having a terrible time. I really feel sorry for them. I debated whether to put a picture of a house (in my neighbourhood!) that got a direct hit from a rocket, but think I won't because I really do not want to turn this post into a political one. I just want to write about us, about life for me and my daughter.

We live in the centre of Israel, in a small town not far from the airport. We are not used to sirens here. The south of Israel, yes, unfortunately they are used to it, but not here in the centre. Well, about two weeks ago we had our first one. I was at home alone and my sister was out with the kids  (mine and hers) at the playground. Since they were out in the open, they saw how it was intercepted, mainly seeing a little cloud. My sister gave some kind of explanation, my daughter understood there is something that might scratch her face, and well, I thought that was a crazy thing but that's it. 

Well, I think it has been two weeks. Butterfly knows that when she hears the siren we must immediately go the the reinforced security room, close door and window and wait (while playing a game!). We should wait ten minutes (that's the official guidelines), but we wait till we hear the booms, usually two, wait  maybe another minute or two and then go out and carry on with what we were doing before.

And Butterfly asks so many questions - what if we are in the street? What do we do? Where do we go? She asks about the little cloud [she associates the booms with the little cloud she saw at the playground], what can it do, etc. And how do you explain this to a little girl? To a little girl who doesn't really know good and bad, a girl who has no witches in her world. How do you tell her about wars and about fighting and how these rockets intend to do a little bit more than just scratch her face?? I try and stay calm, to be almost indifferent (oh, yes that is a siren. yes, let's go to the security room. can you close the door while I close the window?), but I know she knows it is more than that.

And then this morning I woke up hoping she doesn't wake up so I can sleep a bit more. I went to the toilet, came back and snuggled carefully next to her, when the siren went. We both immediately jumped and went to the security room. Here is the place to add that we live in a wooden house and that I live in a unit on the second floor in my mother's house. The security room is in my mother's house, so we quickly have to go to her house, unlock the door (mother is currently on vacation abroad) and go to the security room. Luckily we have a minute and a half (in the south, they only have 15 seconds), so we managed to do that. And then we hear a boom. This time just one single one, and it was loud, very loud! Apparently it was somewhere in my neighbourhood, and more so, it was a rocket that managed to escape the Iron Dome and land on a house, destroying it. I can tell you, that is scary.

Tonight I think I will sleep on the sofa at my mum's. Not comfortable but if they are targeting the airport and again send us a rocket... Anyway, hope next year we'll manage to have fun at the sea!

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

~ 4 ~


Butterfly is FOUR and totally amazing! She loves to hug and cuddle and tell me how much she loves me. In fact she melted my heart the other day when she said that if she had a mother [we were talking about frogs not having a mother, lol], she would want THIS mother.

She now loves "reading" me stories, as well as writing (shopping lists, recipes, etc). My eldest niece used to do a lot of "writing" before she knew how to write - scribbling on a piece of paper, claiming to have written this or that. I thought it was a stage kids go through, but then I didn't see any of my nieces/nephews do it. But now my daughter is also doing it, and I love it. Love that she wants to learn to read and write, and is playing around with it. I took a video of her writing, love how she sounds the words as she "writes" them - it does show, in my opinion, some understanding of the connection between the oral language and the written one.

video

Lately I have been taking a lot of videos of her - always asking her if I can, she always telling me, at some point, to stop videoing..
Two notes about the video - first, metapelet is a nanny. Second, towards the end she says something about if there is a noise we have to go inside - we had a siren earlier today [it is mostly quiet here] and I explained to her how we have to go inside, etc, telling her that we might have to change our plans for later this week (we were supposed to go to the sea! Not sure if it will be wise..]. She got a brief explanation, not going into the big picture of rockets and shooting and killing and all. Hopefully I won't have to talk more about it all, but how do you explain to a four year old???
Oh another note - that fringe? She cut it by herself. lol. 

On the down side - we still have difficulties socializing in the homeschooling group. We also have a wetting problem, which gets better and then worse again. 

Her birthday party with the family was a success :-). I had bubbles for the kids, and they made a horse on a stick (using a sock and all sorts of things to glue on) and they played around :-). In the months before we were fooling around with the idea of making a colourful cake. So I attempted to make a colourful cake - using only natural ingredients (for example, beetroot cooked with coconut milk produces pink).The colours didn't so much come out, but oh well.. at least I tried, lol. [At the last minute I decided to try and make a 4..]

Saturday, 7 June 2014

Playful Parenting / Lawrence Cohen - not a book review

I am aiming for this to be a series of me writing about parenting/homeschooling books I've read, but at this rate... Anyway I really enjoyed reading this book, I think I've learnt a lot from it. I hope to be a more fun parent who plays more with her kid.

Today Butterfly asked me why I wanted a baby and I answered for her to have someone to play with. Meaning more in the terms of siblings as a long-term relation, that they will have each other long after I am gone, but I just said to play with. She replied in a happy voice: "that means you won't have to play with me anymore". Ouch! Big ouch. The truth is, besides being so energyless, I can't explain but I don't really want to play with her. Actually weird because before I had her, when it was other people's kids I looked after, I could play with them for hours. But when we play, mainly her playmobile and blocks that she builds things for them [and I will add in brackets that I love how she uses her imagination plus "building skills" with the combination of the two], I am tires and can't stop yawing. I try not showing her but obviously she sees. I wouldn't want my mother to behave like that when she plays with me, so why can't I do better!? She used to call me a lot to come to play, I am sad to admit she calls me much less. I want to play with her but I also don't want to play with her. C does talk about this and says playing with your child might be difficult because it brings up your own feelings etc. Don't know, just know that I have to work on it.

C talks about the importance of play for building a bond between parent and child and as a way for the child to express herself. Playing also lets kids try adult roles, helps them reconnect with their parent and recover from emotional stress. He talks about getting down (literally & metaphorically) and playing with your kid. I am glad to say that I never had any problem sitting on the floor and playing..
He also talks about the importance of rough-housing. In short rough-housing creates opportunity for a human, physical connection, and it increases the kids confidence and their sense of power [he does have rules, like no hitting or biting, and stopping as soon as a code word is said, by either side]. So I started rough-housing (or trying to) with Butterfly. We call it wrestling and I try to prevent her from getting to the sofa. But she usually doesn't like me to hold her "tight" and prefers the version in which she runs away and goes from sofa to sofa while I "didn't notice". So we don't have much of the physical contact while rough-housing, but I think that is okay as we do have a lot of physical contact throughout the day with hugs and kisses and just being near each other. On the other hand, as this is something fathers usually do, I don't want her not to have this kind of play, plus the other advantages he talked about, so I do try. Though as a mother trying to rough-house on one hand but on the other hand make sure she does not get hurt - not so easy..

Talking of play (and of no dad).. We usually play "mummy" and "daughter" (and friends) or "baby" with the playmobile. The other day I decided to add "daddy" but then felt that maybe it was wrong of me so I quickly added "brother" and "sister" [of which all she doesn't have any]. Today we had "mummy", "daughter" and "baby" and I was debating if to add "daddy" or not. On the one hand she doesn't have a daddy so why make her play this kind of imaginary game, that is why cause her to feel bad about it. On the other hand I do want her to feel normal and comfortable about who she is, including the fact that she doesn't have a daddy. Not to feel that it is something to hide or to be ashamed of so I think I should play this theme with her, but I really don't know, don't want to push her but don't want to ignore it.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Oh, I know I haven't been here in way too long. Unfortunately I hardly have time. We are doing fine - Butterfly is such an amazing little kid, and the things she says :-)

video
Just wanted to put here this short video of my crazy little girl being soaked by her cousin [I see kids on FB dressed nicely, hair tied up and everything is so neat and tidy, and I think how nice these kids look, but they are so not my kid! This is my kid; having fun playing with water, and earlier in mud, being barefooted (and changing clothes many times)]