Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Oh, I know I haven't been here in way too long. Unfortunately I hardly have time. We are doing fine - Butterfly is such an amazing little kid, and the things she says :-)

Just wanted to put here this short video of my crazy little girl being soaked by her cousin [I see kids on FB dressed nicely, hair tied up and everything is so neat and tidy, and I think how nice these kids look, but they are so not my kid! This is my kid; having fun playing with water, and earlier in mud, being barefooted (and changing clothes many times)]

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

"I want a daddy"

Our first. Upon telling her the very sad news that a girl from our homeschooling group has just lost her father (I don't know how old he was, but he was a young guy. It seems he had a heart attack while playing basketball. I was so shocked and sad to hear the news), upon telling her about it and stupidly saying that now E has only a mummy [okay, there is a learning curve also for parents..] Butterfly said she wanted a daddy. I did explain that she never had one and probably never will [I do not see myself in the future with a guy let alone a guy that could be a father to my daughter]. I asked if she was sad about it and she said yes.
It was a very short conversation and we quickly moved on. She did not cry or seem too sad. I was thinking - yes, it is my fault you do not have a daddy, but also - if it weren't for me, you would not have been born.
[and can't stop thinking of the 5 yr old girl (and her baby brother and mother) who will grow up without a daddy - how in some ways it is the same as us, but how it is very much different.]

Saturday, 15 February 2014

What are fairies made from?

  • Purim is soon and I'm making Butterfly a fairy costume. At first we were going to be Bye-Bye Kitty (who would have a purple face = daughter's favourite colour, as opposed to Hello Kitty with her white face....), but fairies is the new thing! So I finished her skirt. Now I have to do my skirt, and then figure out how to do the wings and a wand (the wand shouldn't be a problem, it's the wings I'm not sure how..).And oh yes, we are both dressing up. My mother said that was weird. I think it is nice for a mother and daughter to dress up together.
  • Speaking of fairies.. She asked my mother the other day what are fairies made from (I wasn't around). It seems my mother told her fairies are not real. Hmmm.. Perhaps it was a good thing mother told me this only after I gave my answer. Because fairies are not real? What about the Tooth Fairy? I know we have a few years for that, but I am pondering whether I go with the Tooth Fairy or not. Anyway, since we have a book about how she came to be (sperm donor + IVF) and she sometimes asks me what was she made from, and since I explain that she was made from an egg and a sperm - I chose to tell her that fairies are made from sperm and an egg and fairy dust. Not sure if that would be the best answer, but that is what I came up with..
    Later my mother comes with a Disney DVD about fairies telling me there is an explanation in it of how fairies are made. Hmmm.. No. No, as I already gave my daughter an explanation and no because I really would rather not have my daughter watch a Disney movie.
  • A dog!! We have a dog :-). [okay, technically he is my mother's]. I love that my child is growing up with animals. We have two cats (Michelle and Cat) and now my mum's dog. My sister who lives next door has two dogs (the younger one, Lola, sharing my daughter's birthday!). Both our dog [Flippy, as my daughter named him..] and Lola are best friends which is wonderful! 
  • We had/have a bit of a social issue. We meet with our homeschooling group once or twice a week. But for various reasons we didn't come for some time. When we came back she would not play with any of the kids, saying they are not her friends and that they do not want her. Now it is not like before she was great friends with the other kids, but she would go along and try to join. Speaking with other mothers they talked about the importance of having a play-date with only one kid, so that when the kids meet with everyone, they have someone they know a bit more. Finally I arranged a play-date with this other girl (H). They played wonderfully together! Unfortunately since then Butterfly was a bit ill and couldn't go to the homeschooling meetings or to H (as we planned).
  • And speaking of being ill.. A bit of coughing and a temperature (mainly at night). Mostly she was fine as she usually is when ill but still I had to stay at home with her (so she doesn't pass it on to others). Grrrr... a whole week of not meeting with other kids.. 
  • Today she was playing with her cousin who lives next door. It is so fun to watch the two girls play together. They can spend hours running around playing whatever. Love that!
  • Yesterday Butterfly rode with me on my bike! That is a big yay because a couple of months ago I tried to re-introduce my bike to her. I used to take her on my bike, but then she got her balance bike and for about a year and a half my bike was put aside. Well, I took her for a ride and she got scared and didn't want anymore. My bike since was not talked about. Anyway yesterday my little monkey was climbing on my bike in order to get to her boot that was stuck in a high bush (my bike being parked right under that bush) and since she was there she said lets ride. We did a little ride (unfortunately after all this time sitting idle, my bike needs air!) which was great. So yay for my little girl who overcame her fear :-).
  • And last of all I will tell you that my sister just had a baby and how I feel ever so jealous. Yes, I do have a child, and I am so lucky to have her and so grateful. I know that some of my readers don't yet have even one child and here am I feeling complaining about a second child. And tomorrow we are to visit my sister and new born for the first time. I do not want to go. I do not want to see this baby. I do not want to hear about the birth [a home birth :-(. I would love to have a home birth]. I do not want to look at new-born pictures of the older kids and wow about their similarities. I just don't want to go, but I will, and I will fake it, oh well..

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Tu Bishvat

That is the new year for trees (yes, we have a new year for trees :-) ) and a day we celebrate by planting (and eating dried fruit).

So Butterfly and I did some planting

Hope you can see the tree we just planted :-). It is probably a cypress, but did you know that pines live about 400 years! [those are the two types of trees that were given out to be planted].

[This would be my first Tu Bishvat in many years that I do something :-) And it was a nice day!]

Thank you for commenting on my previous post!

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Delurking Week

Long time no see :-)
Started a post about a week ago but somehow didn't finish it and then.. well I make it a point not to have drafts here. In my previous blog (oh, so many years ago!) my box was full with draft posts.

Anyway, I ALWAYS just miss delurking week. Thanks to Tiara and her post (thank-you Tiara :-) ) I can post this while it is still delurking week :-). So if you are read my blog, I would love if you said hello, maybe tell me a little about your self. Also, if you write a blog relating to SMC (thinking about, trying to become, a mother) I would like read it! [of course if it's a blog you'd like to share..]

Hope to come back to blogging more often soon! In the meantime will tell you that besides being difficult, and boy can she be! Butterfly is also amazingly growing! The other day I watched a video from over a year ago. She looks more or less the same, but wow, how much she has changed! And she talks, oh how much she can talk. And you know, the things kids say.. the other day she was asking me "mummy, when is one day?". hmmm, do I too often tell you not now but one day........ ? 

Monday, 28 October 2013


I just had an argument with my mother. As I wrote the other day, I am having trouble Tuesday morning leaving Butterfly with Y. I didn't mention in previous post how Y told me that her husband doesn't really like me being there in the morning as it interferes with the intimacy of their morning (walking around in you jammies etc) and I do get it how an adult in your house can do that (it is not B that bothers him). But it takes time for a child to feel confident and to let her mother go. Hindsight is 20-20 but I should have come with Butterfly to Y a few times before the year begun perhaps also leaving her there for an hour or two, to get used to the idea of being under Y's charge.
Back to my mum. I asked her if she could take Butterfly over as it might the separation might be easier than my mum than from me (and I think I've mentioned but my mum is free Tue morning. and I'm not asking for the whole year, just for a few weeks until B gets used to being with Y). And I do understand it is a bit of an inconvenience. So I mention the trouble I had last Tues morning and ask her to help take B over. She answers with what will happen if she refuses. I say it will be problematic for me. She tells me not to put pressure on her (!) That I could easily send her two days to kindergarten [kindergarten here is what we have before the age of school]. So I am not allowed to put pressure on her but she can pressure me?? And no, I was not putting pressure on her. I am your daughter. I need your help. I really need your help. I asked for your help. Your help has nothing to do with whether your granddaughter goes to kindergarten or not, because by hook or by cook she won't. She then comes up to me saying I am doing this on purpose. ???. I am doing what I as a mother believe is the my daughter's best interest. It is just sad that I come to her asking for help and she won't help me thinking that she by not helping she will twist my arm into sending B to kindergarten. This reminds me of another story from when D, her eldest granddaughter was about 15 and my mother got some hair-removing cream and none of us (her daughter's)  wanted it and we all told her D would be happy to have it and my mother said no as she disapproves of hair removing and as long as D isn't an adult, she won't do anything to help D with hair removing. Except do you really think D cared? Do you think she didn't remove the hairs on her leg? Of course she did. My mother's protest had no effect. Just a silly little protest. Then it really was meaningless if she gave D the ointment or not. Now her help is just a little bit more needed. I just have to pray and hope it goes well and hope the lecturer (I have a few lessons, all with the same lecturer..) misses quite a lot of lessons (rumor has it she does).


I am so tired, I just pushed aside my big pile of assignments to write this post.. Well i don't have time to breathe so I will never get to post and I do want to (though don't count on me remembering what I came here to post!)

Twice a week I take Butterfly to the homeschooling group. On Thurs it is relatively close and no problem getting there. In fact this is the one I took her to last year. The Sunday one, oh that's a different story! It is quite a schlep and coming back was awful with all the traffic as it was rush hour [though I'd rather stay longer and let her have more good time than leave earlier. Later I can't as I am also teaching and need to be back by a certain hour. Maybe bringing with me something she can eat on the bus, might help).
But socialization is starting to be important and most of the other kids meet daily or almost daily. She still mostly stays a lot with me, but she does go from time to time to play with them, and more importantly, the group of kids her age do know her and know her name! So if they know who she is, I guess it is a good sign we are getting there.

There is a third day in which I want her to be with the group, although this time without me. I am studying twice a week, but financially it is too difficult paying two days for a nanny without having any income. Someone from the homeschooling group offered to help me as a barter (I will do some translation job for her). First week was okay, though as expected she did cry when I left. First report this woman mentioned how B cried a little. Today, when mentioning that event she said how difficult it was :-(. The following week her son (a 4.5 yrs kid) was just recovering from an illness and was showing us the door - You.. Leave! and then he was okay but she wasn't. Eventually I had to take her with me. The lecturer was very nice about having B in her class, but it really hard making sure she doesn't make much noise. I have never wanted a lesson to end as bad as I wanted the other day! I then took her to my sister, who kindly agreed to help. But taking her to the lesson and or my sister is not an option. Taking her to the nanny is a very bad option. And right now she will not go to this other woman, which I understand because it takes time to get adjusted to new procedures. I am just so stressed about Tuesday!

But on a positive note, I would like to say that while we do have our difficult moments, on the whole I feel we are doing better than just  a short while ago, that if you remember I complained about how difficult it was. I also feel like she gave some kind of metal leap. Tonight I was putting her 5 yrs. cousin to sleep with a book the cousin chose which of course was above B's level. But then she asked me a question that clearly indicated she understood. I didn't think she did.
And then she has these questions. Almost every day she asks me: "mummy, is today tomorrow?" I do understand she is trying to understand the concept of time, but how do you answer such a question?? (I tell her that actually tomorrow never comes as it is always today).
A more difficult question she had the other day when looking at her hair and asking why it was that colour (not like my hair colour). I kind of gave a genetic explanation and how she has some of my genes and some from the donor, but I think I jumped a bit with this talk. I probably should have kept it much more simpler.

I would like to end with a cousin story. First a bit of background - while my three year old is very independent, this 5 year old (the same girl from before :-) ) is v-e-r-y clingy to her mother. As cousin's parents went for the week, we are helping out look after her and her brother. Oh, and among the instructions the mother gave, one was to keep an eye on them (when outdoors) as they are not used to being too far from her. Anyway the other day we went to this very big playground. I swung the two girls on a spider swing, but then B had enough and she wondered off. I am okay with that, I am not hysterical (my mother is..) plus I did actually follow her with my eyes and knew where she was. For that reason and because my sister specifically requested not to leave her when going places, I stayed with the cousin. Cousin then asks me if my daughter doesn't want to be around me. I was quite puzzled why she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be around me. Cousin continues asking if my daughter doesn't love me. Me again not understanding she continues - because she went so far away from you. Oh my! No, she did not go far away from me. She went to some far away thing. But this is obviously how the 5 yr views things. And her mother travels (work related) a lot!