The Glucose Test

Crap, I failed it.
I was so sure I would pass it, too confident even. The doctor wrote on the referral no fasting [which, by the way, according to the nurse who took my blood will cause other tests (I think she said the B12) to give a false answer. urg!], anyway as I am not an early riser and only eat fruit in the morning (no connection to pregnancy), and after a discussion on a message board about having a breakfast before, I went ahead and had an apple before so that it won't be too low. Yes, that confident I was. I mean I should have known with the sweet tooth I have.
So now I have to do the 100g (or the 3 hours. joy) test. And I actually don't know how it works. I mean I know the technicalities of the test - this one is a fasting one and I have to go there early so I can be there three hours and every hour they'll draw blood and I assume I need a referral (since I needed one for the 50g). But as I am right now between doctors, haven't made an appointment to a new doctor (or even tried to find one. I could go back to the dr I went to before, except it is quite a ride), I don't know who can give me a referral. Maybe the GP? And do I have to do it now now or can it wait? (o.k I think at least an answer to that one I'll be able to get tomorrow when I meet the nurse to start the monitoring [up till now it was all done at the doctors office]).
I'm sorry to be whining about a little test I have to do, when overall not only am I pregnant, but am enjoying this time (not even morning sickness). It feels unfair of me. But I am scared that if I do have pregnancy diabetes, that it will "rob" me of the birth I want [the two things I really really really don't want are a c-section and an induction].

Weight EDT

A few weeks ago I mentioned something about being hungry. Thought that from there I'll start eating and eating and gaining weight and all. Yeah, that hunger strike ended just as quickly as it started. Not that I don't have now and then some small outbursts of hunger but mostly I have almost no appetite. The other day I came across the 'you shouldn't be eating for two' line. Yes, I never thought I should be eating more just because there is a baby growing in me (though do think I should be eating healthier as someone else is nourishing from me..), but what about eating enough for one?
And people are telling me how nice I've lost weight.. (mostly people who don't know and don't realize I'm preg). Which yes, of course it's nice to lose weight, except... shouldn't I be gaining weight?? Went on the scales today (today, since it's a month since I was last weighed. I'm not going to obsess and weigh myself too often), and well, granted it is not the same scale as the one at the doctor's office, but still, I have not gained any weight! I am exactly the same weight I was one month ago (which was the same as previous month and as the previous. i.e I am six months pregnant and weigh the same as before I got pregnant). Of course there is one side that's saying - the less you gain, the less you have to lose afterwards, but the other side is worried, is concerned. There is a baby growing in me. She needs nourishment. Is she getting enough? Am I harming her?
And I read how lack of iron can cause lack of appetite and I know I am low (probably very low) on iron and that I should be taking those pills. But somehow in the last month or two I have become really really bad about it. It's hard for me to take them when I can't have any milk products in the two hours before/after and need to do it on a full stomach (though now I read that it's actually better on an empty stomach. That would be easier for me..), or maybe it's the up till here with all the pills and stuff (I should also be taking B12 and prenatals). I think I started "going bad" when the dr. said I could stop taking the folic acid.
Besides lack of iron causing lack of appetite and lack of iron for baby, I understand it could also make recovery after birth harder. Though won't say I didn't smile when I read that if you are low on iron you won't be given epidural. Not being able to have an epi can only please me.. But of course I should be upping my iron levels regardless..
And then there were these two annoying remarks. The first in a book about nutrition during pregnancy that talked about how you should be gaining weight blah blah blah and how you shouldn't be concerned about that and not to try and lose weight. It annoyed me as there was no room for someone who just hasn't the appetite, who is definitely not trying to lose weight, but just not gaining it.. And another from my father. Men can sometimes be so..... Well it was on a phone conversation, and previously that day I was wondering with my mother if I am already showing and wasn't exactly sure (probably people who knew and looked for a belly could see). So he asks if I am showing and I kind of stutter, not sure what to answer, so he chuckles and says - so you gained weight, ha? Never mind that no, but you do not tell a woman she gained weight, even if she is pregnant! As I said, men...

And not so related.. Yesterday my sister said (after telling me I've lost weight..) how I definitely now am beginning to have a pregnancy belly (see, haven't gained weight = in general losing weight, but belly is somewhat growing), so I had her take some pictures of me so I'll have something to put in baby's album :-).

And really not related.. :-) Probably mainly because of the cats. Last two nights I had three of them sleeping on me - one just above my feet, the second higher up my legs and a third under my neck. It's nice that they're snuggling on me, especially on cold nights, but hmmm... that makes me unable to move (the first two came after I was already asleep..), and oh my back!

And then there's my heart beat. There was a time when I was terrified of hearing my own heart. I don't know why or when it began, but I just couldn't bare it. Only in the last few years I have shaken out of that fear and actually even enjoy sometimes feeling it! (I put a finger on my neck or by my ear to feel it..).
But in the last two weeks or so, I can hear/feel my heart beating almost all the time in my left ear (which is my better ear, urg!). I can hear it going thomp thomp thomp quickly after I have been doing some physical activity (like climbing some stairs..), and I can hear it go at a slower pace when I'm just sitting. Nice to know that I'm still alive (and very glad I've out grown that fear I used to have), but it is on the verge of driving me crazy!

EDT (Mon afternoon):
The hearing of my heart beat in my ear - didn't think it was anything to worry about. Just thought it was one of those weird symptoms one sometimes gets. As I went today to have the glucose test done, I asked the nurse to check my blood pressure (thanks everyone for suggesting I'd do so!). So while it did go up from previous readings (which were somewhat low), it is still in the normal range (120/70), which I think was what I more or less had prior to conceiving. So while I probably should keep an eye on things [oooh, can I use the Hebrew phrase here - to be with hand on pulse... ?lol], I believe I'm o.k.
Anyway I have (finally!) made an appointment to the nurse's station [was debating between a here and a there. Now just have to find a doctor :-)].
Oh and appointment? It's on the 10th, in the year 2010 at 10:10 in the morning... (yikes, only the month spoils it!). So I'll talk to him about it when I see him on Wed.

Look what the mail brought :-)

A while ago I ranted about getting all second hand stuff from my sister(s), which while it is great that I don't have to worry about buying all these things, it still made me feel like I'm missing out on the joy of getting things for my little baby.

Dear Dora with her big heart, on reading that post, decided to send Birdy a gift. The other day, very excited I got a big white package.


First out came this beautiful soft pink blanket:

Then I saw these tiny shoes (or is it socks? I was thinking shoes, my mother on seeing them said socks...). And wow, they are so small! Can't believe how small babies feet must be. lol.

Finally I reached out for this really gorgeous outfit and matching lovely light blanket. And while I am so not the person to care about brand names and all, and I usually don't have the foggiest about fashion, I think the name Laura Ashley does make me go ooooh and wow! And as Dora said, baby girls stuff are so cute and lovely! I can't wait till I'll be able to dress her in it!
[sister #3 said something about her (I mean the girl..) wearing it when she leaves the hospital. My reaction was - no way! This outfit is for a special occasion! Sis said how she had her kids wear something special when they left the hospital, as in coming home, entering their new house and beginning thier new life. I understand, but I don't think I see it as a special occasion, not one in which I would like to dress my girl..]

And now go and see all the other wonderful things people are showing at Mel's Show& Tell!

Two tests in One day

Will start of by saying that all was well in both. Had two glimpses of my little one today :-) [though in the first she was so cute with her hands above her face, the images that were printed weren't the best, so no pics.. oh, and as for a belly picture - maybe later on, right now I don't feel like I would like to share such, but thanks for asking!]

So this morning I went with my mother to a level II scan. She was so impressed (no u/s in her days, not to mention these level II scans where each and every organ is checked..). I thought she went with my sister, but seems she was there just to look after my sister's kid.
On the way, passing nearby the hospital where I'm planning of giving birth, she mentioned something in the assumption that she will be there with me. O.K, taking you to the scan was nice and all, but no way do I want you attending my birth! I already asked sister #1 who in some (maybe many) ways is much more a mother to me, to be there, and she agreed. Will have to think how to "break the news" to my mother.. Don't think I even want her in the hospital when I'm still in the stages before actually delivering, but that will be a tough one as she lives next door and will obviously know when I'm in labour.
On the way back she tried snooping some hints about Birdy's name. The other day she and sister #3 had a go at it - is it a name that can be both in Hebrew and in English (mum); is it a Biblical name (sis), didn't answer them, but it's kind of fun hearing how they are trying.. Anyway she goes today - I know it's a secret and you don't want to tell, and I think it's great you're keeping it as a surprise, but just tell me if it has one syllable or two.. Hmmm no, not one syllable and not two. To which she gave a not pleasing sound "so three syllables". Yeah. I LOVE long names, lol. She now went back to whether one name or two, but told her I already revealed too much! But I do know I will have to tell soon ( I know when I'd like to).

Going back to the test, mostly it went o.k, though there were a lot of her pressing hard against my belly as baby wasn't in a good position. And then she needed to go vaginally as baby would not turn [I have a stubborn little girl in there! Like her mother :-)]. I hate the vag way! Not only do I hate the "entry" (and as she was trying to be so gentile, it took her even longer..) but now with the pregnancy it is even worse. Oh well.. Luckily it was really only one feature and she was out in no time. But all in all there were a lot of pressing - definitely not a nice time for baby as well. In this active birth forum I surf, there was a discussion the other day about doing all these tests, and vaginal scans in particular. There were those who declared proudly how they didn't have any (or almost none, can't remember for sure) tests, and most were boasting how they never had a vaginal u/s. Well good for you, just to get pregnant I had numerous of those [these women are mostly at their 3,4,5 or whatever birth, having already had a bad birth experience and wanting a better one]. Anyway, I think I digressed a bit :-) One point they made for not having too many tests (mainly u/s) was that it is discomfort for the baby. Yes I am sure it is, especially when the doctor has to press and shake and whatever to move the baby. But there are many discomforts babies have to endure, that's life. And there is a benefit to these tests - seeing your baby, having the feeling of knowing her, of companionship, of bonding with her.
Which leads me to this T.V programme where they talked about all the testings (one was against doing any tests what so ever, as whatever the outcome will be, it is from the love of G-d. Thank God he was a minority..) and this book that talked about how too many tests can make the pregnancy a stressful time, not encouraging the development of the "good" hormones required for birth. And yes, we are probably number one here for all these tests we do. So this other test I had today, an echo of baby's heart. Not because there was any suspicious finding but just because I'm not doing the amniotic. Knew it would be a waste of time.. oh well, at least I saw her again. Anyway, as the book mentioned, the problem with all these tests is that they look for the pathology, for the what's wrong, therefore causing stress etc to the mother. Like the echo I had today. Though the dr. said all was well, and it was written in the bottom line that everything is o.k, one of the lines read that baby doesn't have such and such a feature. Now I'm not a doctor and don't know if not having it is a good or a bad thing. At first I was a bit worried (maybe it is something small and insignificant, but still something?) and was going to google it up. But then I decided I am not going to worry about it! I will of course show the results to my doctor [whoever he or she might be!], but that's it. But that just showed me how all these tests can cause one so much worry and even panic.

And then there is this scare that's creeping back. Right now it's not so much the birth itself (though my panic levels will probably rise as I approach my due date!), but the day after. Oh my god*, I am going to be a mother, and there is no return. My life as was will never be the same. And this little girlie, she chose me to mother her, and wow, that is such a big responsibility! This is not a job you can fail at. I do believe I will be o.k and all at mothering (hell, lets kick humility aside, I believe I have it to be much more then just o.k!), but it is still a scary transition.

Will end this long post telling you how although I'm not sure about the butterfly sensation I had as it was too high (but might have been her kicking and me feeling not the kick itself but a vibration or something), but I now definitely feel her kicks (though I haven't decided whether she's a dancer or a football player [that is soccer for you Americans :-)])!



* notice how I first capitalized and omitted middle letter as you are not supposed to (well Jews aren't supposed to) say or write his full name [and for argument sake let it be a "him"], then just capitalize, and now even not that..

Before and After, or Books Books Books

* books on pregnancy mentioned *

A while ago I wrote about wanting to move my bookcase down to my entrance. One of these "little" projects in getting my place ready. So I stripped the bookcase of all the books, piling them up in the centre of the room, took the shelves down, gave it all a wipe, and.... nothing! Couldn't get on and felt completely stuck, was in a catch 22 - thought I would ask a male member of my family to help move it, but was not going to let any BIL of mine see my place.. On the other hand, I really couldn't start doing any work while all the books were in the centre and the bookcase was still here, they were just too much in the way (probably more mentally than physically).

And then, last weekend mother said lets do it! We can move the bookcase ourselves. And so we did :-). Took all the books outside to give them a wipe before putting them back on the shelves. Truth is I let my mother do most of the arranging of the books on the shelf, as I knew I would get lost there, not know how I want to do it, know how I don't and again be stuck (and while it is not right how they are arranged, I will leave it for now as it is. Really don't have the energy to start re-arranging). We (well I) did have time to worry about, as I "damped" all the books outside and needed it all done by day break. It started of as a nice and sunny day, but gradually got colder.. The next day (Sunday) it started to rain (well actually in the evening) and has been wintry ever since (notice my coat? I think I wore it about 4 or 5 times this winter!), so it was a good thing we got it done.
Showing here pictures of the before and after. Well not really before, more midway, but I'm not showing anymore "before" than that!

before


after

And books.. A while back I asked my sisters for pregnancy books. Sister#3 had just one book to give me (What to expect when expecting. Didn't like it at all as it is all the time talking about things to worry about. Thank you very much but I prefer not occupying my mind with what can go wrong and all) and sister #6.. well she gave me some booklets published by baby stuff manufacturers, one or two books for afterwards, and a book about pregnancy that I gave her! Was kind of disappointed. Anyway the other day she came with a whole load of books! So I'm now slowly reading into them all. One place they were talking about the history of knowledge, and it was quite funny to read how they once thought the baby was created solely within the female and the male just gave it nourishment, and then there was the thought (after seeing the sperm in a microscope for the first time) that the baby is entirely within the head of the sperm, and the female's job is summed up with providing the surrounding! And then (I think in the 16th & 17th century) these two theories were battling each other! But it is amazing how far we have gone in our knowledge. I mean that book was written in the 60s and conceiving through IVF was unheard of. And ultrasound images weren't around (though this book [and another one from the same time] is full of pictures of baby in womb. I guess they did have the technology back then, but it was not for "everyone's" use (not that the images we have today are close to the beautiful pictures in these books!).

And some of these books (as you might guess by them being from the 60s) were my mother's when she was expecting. Nice to have a little glimpse into her world back then. I mean I do ask a lot of questions, but nothing like peeking into the books she read..


And now, ladies and gentlemen, please go over to Mel's Show and Tell and read and look at all those lovely pictures and posts people are posting!

money makes the world go round

About my last post.. sister is very caring and helpful and all. As I think one of the comments said, it was probably her lack of attention, she probably just emptied the clothes from the cupboard and didn't look at them one at a time (and she does have a life, with a baby and a little girl and times are tough for her now). It was me who was feeling bad with all these hand-me downs, me who feel so chocked with finances right now.
And finances is what I want to talk about:-)

There are two very consuming (money-wise) "activities" that I am going to stop. I can't afford them. One is totally unnecessary, the other can very well do without.
When I went to the IVF route, I decided I wanted to have a private doctor. Now I could have done it within the public health system, but thought that it would be best with my own private dr. one who knows my case and all and whom I can phone whenever there might be a problem etc. If/when I'll be attempting ttc for child #2, I'll totally go the public route, but for first child.. Anyway I went to this doctor for for IVF, and then there was a positive and we scheduled a scan where we saw the heart-beat. I was sure that once we'd see that heart beat, that he would say good bye, and I would continue with a "regular" (that is not private) doctor from my kupa (I think it's something like hmo). That didn't happen. Instead he gave me all these tests I should do (and will I get around to writing that Down Syndrome post???), some for the now and some for later, but I was so overwhelmed. I decided I'd continue with him until I got those blood test results (one set done day after NT, the other at 17 weeks), so as to sit together and decide about the amniotic fluid [hmmm... numbers are so great I really didn't need him to advice me yes or no. But obviously didn't know what my results would be at the time].
The meeting before I wanted to mention how the next meeting will be the last, but couldn't.. And then in this last meeting he gave me some more tests to do (does it ever end :-)), and well... again couldn't tell him this is our last meeting. So I will just have to go the coward way, and cancel our next appointment.. I mean I really cannot afford him, and I really don't see any extra benefit from seeing him (I mean my pregnancy is perfectly o.k, no problems [touch wood :-)] or anything). Don't need to pay a high sum to someone to see me and tell me now do this test and now that (a regular doctor from the kupa can do the same..
So now the question is where do I continue from here. There is an option (besides a dr. from the kupa) of going to a child development centre (which is where after birth you go for your baby's vaccinations and regular check-ups (growth and all). Didn't know you can also go before, during pregnancy..). Advantage -it is a nurse you sit with who takes your blood pressure, weight, takes a urine/blood test and that's about it. Now I won't talk about the nurses in these centres who have a great reputation for making new mothers panic that their child is not up to par, but basically I think that should be enough for most of the time, don't need to see a dr. so frequently. Not sure if it means I still need to find a doctor or if their service also includes a doctor. Well, will see..
The other thing I'll have to stop is therapy. Now the last couple of months we went down, because I couldn't over wise, and I did try to say maybe we should finish.. I do think that now is a good a time as any time, and while there will always be issues and always things to discuss, and there are stuff I didn't really talk to her about but want to (and don't want to :-]), I just can't carry on like this. I can't carry on being worried if I'll have enough to pay her, if I'll be making enough money, can't carry on feeling like I only get second hand stuff for baby and can't get her anything new, just can't. So although I could possibly continue, I don't want to feel chocked anymore..

And these tests. Well one of them (for most - the glucose tolerance, a heart echo for fetus he wants me to do as I'm not doing the amniotic , regular blood and urine, I have a referral and can do in the kupa), the second level II scan, I have three options [so as not to complicate an explanation, I will mention prices. If you want to know US$, divide by about 4...]:
1. Do it privately. Too expensive (I think I saw numbers of around 2-3 thousand NIS).
2. Do it through the kupa. Advantage - doesn't cost. Disadvantage - they do a very quick basic of basic scan.
3. Do it semi private, at listed places for 700 NIS and get a refund of 600 NIS.
First level II scan I went for option #3. (I mean, who wouldn't..). Problem is you can only use option 3 once.. So the second one I was going to do through the kupa. But, well.... as of January they made it even better, letting you also have a refund for the second level II scan (of 500 NIS). Except.. seems I am falling between the cracks. Since I did the first one before January (as in before this new regulation), they are giving me a hard time. I am still trying to see if I can get the refund. Right now they offered something else, not good enough but I guess better than nothing.
[think I should add that these befefits are beyond the basic coverage, and I do pay a small sum every month for these "extras"]

O.K, I think that was enough of money talk for quite some time :-) Will end with a happy note.. At last appointment I was a bit worried that I haven't really gained any weight (from the beginning of the pregnancy. And no, I wasn't vomiting and loosing weight in the 1st trimester). I mean, great that I'm not gaining too much weight, but hey.. there's a baby in there, shouldn't I be gaining some weight??
So last night when I got ready for bed, I looked at my belly and - wow, its big! Now I always had a big belly, though might have managed to loose some weight before this last IVF attempt, I still didn't begin with a nice flat tummy (far from it), so I was all along with some kind of belly. But now it looks like its grown like I never had before.. I guess very soon people will be asking :-).

the unfair rant

O.K the rant..

Most of the baby stuff I am getting from my sisters which generally speaking is really great. I do not have to worry about equipment, clothes and all. I am really not the -have to buy everything new for baby type of person, and I am not in such a financial state where I can afford to go buying everything new, so whatever I can get is more than great.

But, well.... maybe it is also the house which is dragging too long to get done (and I'm only talking about the cleaning/tidying phase, not yet doing repairs and adjustments for baby), right now being in a stuck position, not really knowing how to proceed (as in what will be my little project), but getting everything from others leaves me without the joy of, well you know, of getting things ready for baby. I'm thinking maybe I'll paint the crib (not that it needs painting, not that I have any idea what colour, and not that there's a theme or something [no room for a baby's room]), just so I'll feel that here is something for baby, that is for my baby.

But if I carry on with the rant, and how I am really o.k with second and third hand stuff, and I'll send you back to previous paragraph in case you missed the fact that I am not the cleanest/tidiest person on earth [know the saying how, when a dummy or whatever falls on the floor, with first child you sterilize it, with second you wash it well with hot water and soap and with third you just rinse it? me - I'm having my third...]. So when sister #6 gave me a pile of clothes, and I was looking through them to see what I have (no idea yet about the sizes - is this for a new born, for an older baby etc) I really was not looking for any stains or anything. Just having my first baby stuff, my first little bit of excitement that yes, there is a baby on the way (will add that this happened a few weeks ago). But then there were these two items of clothes which were quite dirty, and that made me feel so bad, couldn't carry on looking at the loot. The thought of my daughter having to wear second hand (and yes, I'll probably dump those dirty ones), of having her wear something that some other mother didn't really care if child is wearing a bib, well not so appealing..

And if I move fast forward to yesterday, to when she brought me a high chair, except there are no straps to tie baby in. She insisted that it's o.k, that she didn't need to strap her child in (she got the chair from sister #3 and either got it without the straps or lost it, she wasn't sure). Well I don't know about her child and how and what, but more so I have no idea about my child. Maybe she will be a very quiet calm girl, and there will be completely no need to strap her in while eating, but then maybe she'll be high spirited jumping and moving all the time and I really will need to tie her. Not to mention that no straps means I can't even turn my back for a second. So having a chair with no straps doesn't seem a good idea. She carried on praising the chair, what a wonderful chair it is. Maybe it is and I am not in a mother to a baby mode yet so I can't see it's wonders (she showed me how you can tilt the chair itself for the early stages when baby isn't yet sitting, but then the tray gets left far behind..), but to me it just looked like a simple high chair, one that had no straps to it! Mother suggested contacting the manufacture and seeing if we can just get the straps, but still, here again this feeling of getting second hand equipment, of stuff that someone else used before..

End of rant!
Still fitting into my trousers, still haven't yet bought maternity clothes, but with the hunger I've started feeling in the last few days, I doubt if that will last long. Hate shopping for clothes!