Sunday, 29 August 2010

1st of September

can't come sooner enough! Already the weather is begining to be somewhat cooler, or should I say, less hotter. And well, as school starts here on the first, I'll be going back to work!
While my nanny will be coming on Wed, I won't actually start working on Wed (Sun is when I'll really start) so I'll have her for a couple of hours to get aquainted with the girl. Hope it all goes well :-)
I so need this break from taking care of the girl 24/7. I care about her and all but it is very tiring and exhausting taking care of her all day long, so having a few hours every day where she'll be under the charge of someone else, kind of a relief. Because this taking care of a baby is really hard work. Probably not making it easier the fact that she hardly sleeps during the day, or the fact that I find it hard letting her have alone time (I am learning more and more to do so as it is important to her and me) or the fact that we're doing EC (stopping a feed because she's signiling; taking the nappy off; going to the potty; putting nappy back on; returning to feed....). Since just before birth, I have lost about 10 kilos. During pregnany I have gained 6 kilos (if I remember correctly). That is I weigh now less than before I got pregnant. While I'm kind as I was a bit overweight, I know it's not good (and honestly I am not trying to lose weight). It's just this parenting stuff and not so much time to eat.. Anyway, I hope now things will get a little easier.

P.S
Over 100 posts in my reader and the numbers just keep going up. I try and read a few posts every day but finding it a hard time catching up (oh, and while I do read I comment much less, sorry). So sorry I'm a bad blogger lately. Though I do try and scan my reader to get an update. Paige glad to hear the bleedind has lessened. Hope everything turns out o.k! And Shannon.. congratulations!!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Every pot has a cover!

First thank you so much for your comments on my last post. It was especially good to hear from those of you who have older babies (which now seems like a million years difference to me..) telling me it will get better!




Second, on the other side to that post, let me tell you how I love looking at my daughter in the morning. With the early morning sun shining she is just so beautiful, and then she gives me a smile, and well, there is nothing prettier than her smile in the early morning (even if I am so not a morning type, and the thought of another long and hot day..).




A dry night! Last night we had a dry night :-). That is twice we peed in a bowl. The previous night I was so tired, I only woke up after she peed, which means changing around the nappy that is spread on the bed so she is not on any wet. So that was quite a bad night regarding EC. Most nights are a bit better, but there is always a miss (it's usually more than two times that she pees*). Last night was the first time I didn't have to touch the nappies underneath!
Nights are actually a bit tricky. If I misinterpret her moving around and take her when she doesn't have to go, it will wake her up, taking about two hours to put her back to sleep again. So first I have to decide if she's moving around because she needs to go or else. And then I have to gently hold her over the bowl (a bit different from when awake) while she's half asleep and whisper to her that I think she needs to pee and pshhh pshhh pshhh (our cue).



And now to the pot.. I had to find someone to look after my girl while I work as I work in the afternoon and day-cares are from the morning, but I knew I'd have a hard time because of the hours. Did get some women interested (women.. there was one guy who phoned about my ad and my first reaction was - oh my, I think I'd rather have a woman taking care of my daughter.. but then I was thinking I should be open and maybe he will be great with her. Turned out he was phoning on behalf of his mother..).
I was mixed emotions about the first woman who came. She seemed o.k, so was it just her being o.k and not more, or was it the realization that I am to leave my most precious with a total stranger? Well, thinking about it, I didn't like how she was snoopy (like came a bit earlier [and that was after confirming the time about an hour earlier!] and went round to the back door claiming I didn't hear her [no way, as where I was sitting is right near the front door and from there I heard her at the back door..]). Don't like the idea of someone who will go through my things, so she was out.
There were a few more, but then there was this woman who the moment she came in, there was just a good vibe about her. First she's local which is good because no problems with buses traffic etc. She came with her husband (to help find our place), and it was actually nice. Thinking now, maybe it gave a family feeling, like she's not this strange woman who'll take care of my child, but a person of family. She was very cheerful and lively which is very nice! I also liked that she didn't ask to hold the baby, didn't try and put on a show for me. And as I said, in general a good vibe. I had scheduled interviews with a few women after her, and at first thought I'd wait and see those others, but sleeping on it last night, I decided to take her.
When asking her about the hours and if she doesn't mind it not being a full time. She said she has another job in the mornings and was looking for something in the afternoons. For me that is really great as most likely she won't be looking for something else (as one of the women I interviewed was stupid enough to admit..). I am thrilled school is about to start and scared too regarding the first day..




* After writing the above I read today that EC during the day reduces amount of peeing at night and well.. it's now after midnight, and while she is usually wet twice by now, she is still dry!

Thursday, 19 August 2010

exhausted

I am so tired and exhausted. It's not as difficult now as the first few weeks were, but still very exhausting with hardly any time for self (writing this post.. should be sleeping now), but I think that probably that's why I am so out of emotions and just wanting to get to better times. Back then, as in the first two or three weeks, I really couldn't see beyond where I was. But now that it is somewhat easier, I can look into the future, and feel despair things won't get much easier anytime soon (and when they will, she'll probably start teething. yeah, not waiting for that). Maybe now it's more an emotional exhaustion whereas back then it was very much physical. And the horrible hot humid weather and my inability to go anywhere with her (outside the house, that is. unless with my mother which would be for the girl's checkup etc [oh, can I put aside my gloomy mood and tell you how she is now in the 75th percentile for weight? Up from the 10th and then 33rd percentile! As she is very long (92nd percentile. beats me how short me has such a long daughter..) she is still quite thin, but 75th percentile!]. Where was I.. I was planning on using the cloth slings I have for going out with her and for just moving around the house with her, but that is quite impossible in this weather. Plus when I did try and use them, I didn't manage to put her correctly as she kept sliding down. I have an older kid's sling, one where the child is supposed to be able to sit to use it. I'll wait till she's 3 months old and use it very occasionally at first, because I really need to "get some air" from time to time.
So it is very very hot and humid, I am stuck home most days, and I have the girl that sleeps very little during the day. [of course she is always sleeping when other people come..] (and I just had another day [or rather night] of vomiting from the pill I take to help increase my milk flow*, which probably isn't contributing to my mood).
Somebody posted on a forum a pic of her one month old baby, saying how so full of love she is to her son, how she didn't know such feeling could exist. And I.. while I care very much about my little girl, and want and try to do what's best (in my opinion) for her, I don't think it is love I feel for her. Yes, I think she is amazing and terrific and clever [she already knows that pshhh pshhhh pshhhh means you can pee now. and yes, there are misses, but I am so delighted every time she does it in the bowl] and she's doing things like laughing! and picking her head up nicely. But do I love her? I don't think so. At least not like that person talked about her love to her son. Maybe it is because I am so tired, maybe because I still can not believe she is my daughter. Impossible! Maybe because she doesn't look at all like me. Funny, I always thought that doesn't matter when other SMCs talked about how the chose a donor who resembles them so the child will look more or less like his/her mother. And then I had the daughter who does not look like me, and it kind of bothers me.

And I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. So I'll add a rant about how annoying it is people telling me not to do this or that because I'll be sorry later on. Basically two things to do with going to sleep - breastfeeding and her lying on me. She always doses off when on my breast, so I do get her to sleep with the breast. Especially at night (actually breastfeeding lying down in bed is something I've mastered recently), it is so much easier (don't have to get out of bed, prepare a bottle, etc). So later on I'll have a hard time because she won't be able to sleep without the breast? Not really sure how I'm supposed to get her to sleep otherwise (I mean breast or bottle). And the lying on me.. they tend to think that is how I put her to sleep, but no way will she sleep on me if she's awake. No, I lay down with her on me only once she is somewhat asleep. That is the highlight of my day, I so enjoy these moments. So maybe in the future I'll have a big and heavy kid I won't want to do this anymore (though I really can't imagine not wanting daughter to lay her cute head on her mama..), or a time when I won't want to feed her to sleep. I think I'll find how to deal with it when the time comes. Right now these are little things I enjoy. I call these second child advice. Let me do these "mistakes" with my first child. Second child? I'll be wiser and smarter.

*ironically it is a pill for people who suffer from nausea and/or vomiting. It is supposed to stop you from vomiting, not cause you to do so! So I take it, then stop for a few days and my milk goes way down (and yes, I do pump). Probably realising that I'll might have to say goodbye to breastfeeding much sooner (much much sooner) than I intended is also not adding to my mood. A lost battle :-(.

Friday, 13 August 2010

EC Day & Night

Today actually was a good day with nine out of nine hits in a span of 4 hours! Yesterday.. a different story. She peed on me and peed on me and peed on me. They talk about special clothes for EC for the kids. How about for the parents? But even yesterday we had some hits.

Up till recentally, EC wasn't going too well, mainly due to the nappies. For daytime I was planning on using the prefolds I have, but after a wash or two, they wouldn't hold the snappy (=instead of a safety pin) so I used mainly tetra (my mum calls it muslin) cloth, and on top of that a rubber panty. With this, taking it all off for a pee was quite a procedure, especially when I am learning [and hot and bothered and my boobs hurt] and didn't work out too well. So I bought some flannel nappies with velcro for easy opening and closing and a couple of normal covers to aid me. And those covers... soooo much easier and better with them! Better for her too, as it is a breathing material. They also look much nicer :-). And well, once I got the confidence of nappy on/off a quick and easy thing, I let go, let her be hours without anything on.
Another thing that helped a lot was writing down a log of when/what she did and what signs/signals there might have been. Once I started writing down (after getting some tips from EC sites as to typical signs), I really began the learning. Writing, beyond showing me paterns, helps by actually making me process what happened.
And I think she is doing some learning too. At first she was very fussy when I put her over the bowl, cried a lot and wouldn't go. Now she sometimes cries, but will release. Sometime it is putting her on (she signaled) and taking her off (she is crying. maybe something else bugged her) and putting her on again and off until she finally goes. But then the thrill when she does go with no fuss..
What we now both need to learn, is how to not miss the bowl. lol. I hold her in the air over the bowl, and well.. probably if she were a boy we would have better aim.. [but I wouldn't change her for the world!]


So day time EC is looking good. Of course tomorrow will be a day of misses... but seriously, there will be good days and bad days, but I am feeling much more confident about it.
The nights though are harder. At nights I have Kushies nappies for her (which I thought were pockets, but was told that not. don' know what/if kind of nappies they are). As I thought I'd wait till we're o.k in the day, but didn't want her to start peeing while asleep [at first babies do not pee in their sleep but have brief awakings when they do so. later on, with nappies, they loose this ability and do pee while sleeping], I wanted to keep something going, so tried at least changing her nappy. To make it easier, I just put a prefold in the Kushies and only changed that. But then I realised I really need to do it properly. First two nights of trying - very bad! I tried putting her on the bowl, she didn't need but woke up. And once she's up... at least two hours it took me to put her back to sleep again (oh, and no more eight hours... [and I don't mind jinxing that!]). So now I have her sleeping with just a top (or an onsie not closed) with the aim of putting her on the bowl if she stirs [besides a protective sheet I have underneath the sheet, I put some of the cloth nappies, so if/when she wets I just rearrange them to a dry area]. Problem is I sleep quite deeply. I wake up once she's already gone.. Problem number two is getting her to pee in the bowl. This morning we finally had success with it. Hope we'll learn to tackle nights too!



P.S
Very very slow on my readhing. And while I do read, I comment much less. Hopefully one day soon she will be sleeping more during the day and I'll have more time..

ETA (18:20)
has that day come? she slept for 2.5 hours and only woke because Ijust had to take her to pee (she was stirring). The last few days she went down at about 19:00 and I had to wake her at about 21:30 (only to start putting her to sleep again, a process that as mentioned above, could take 2 hours or more) because I didn't want it to be for the night. but could it be that she is now taking longer naps during the day?

P.P.S
except for sis#6 [who introduced me to this but didn't follow through. the disadvantage of raising kids with someone else..], I avoided telling people I plan to do EC, even after I gave birth. Was sure I'd get negative responds etc. Well, while they will not hold her without a nappy (because babies just pee and pee and pee [o.k so she can pee five minutes after she just went]), they seem interested and happy when she pees in a bowl :-). [luckily they are not around for the misses. lol]

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

ZZZZZ......

I slept 8 hours last night!

Didn't wake when mummy moved me to bed or when she changed my nappy (though she did that only once because later, even though she woke up, she was scared of waking me...) or even at around 4 a.m when I usually wake up!

[mummy hopes this is not just a one night thing..]