Wednesday, 29 October 2008
And this week, between going back to work at full swing and getting up early for baby stuff (I start work in the afternoons) and still going to sleep very very late (I'm a night bird, and I hate going to sleep [love sleeping, hate going to sleep, ain't that a nice oxymoron..]), I don't really wonder.
And an annoying remark I got. Mentioned to my mum how tired I was. Happen to be on a day that I had some cancellations at work, so yes, didn't work hard that day. So she wondered how come I'm tired, since I didn't really work. No, she doesn't know why and what. I didn't tell her about waking up early and going to sleep late etc. I did say I was tired. Would have been nice to get an empathic response (and then she wonders why I don't tell her things..).
And yes, I know. Being a mother to a baby will probably be much worse than this week. Not just one week of tiredness, but endless sleepless nights. That is the one thing I am completely not looking forward far (who does wish to be sleep deprived!?). Anyway, weekend just around the corner!
Just hit the publish button instead of the save (before previewing). Did I mention me being tired?
* Wasn't sure if that conveyed a yawn. Googled and found this site that gives a different meaning to the above and that shows a yawn as l -O. I can't really see a yawn here, so I'm sticking with my original. Just know that I don't mean to say that no yelling here (although... no yelling here...)
Monday, 27 October 2008
So I thought, O.K, it's not so far (about a 15 minute walk), so I'll carry her. Started of well. She is interested in the surroundings, but I 'm holding her firmly (from time to time gripping her by the skin on her neck). The first part is relatively easy. It's a quiet Dutch road*. Then one car starts driving and I have to hold tighter, and then another and she is scared, wants to jump off me onto safety. Those two cars weren't really a problem. I could have made it with her, but then I thought - what will happen when I come to the main road? With all the noise of cars and people and the new smells and sights etc. I believe I could have managed holding on to her for the rest of the way, but it's probably too dangerous to chance. Besides I was suddenly thinking that what if I get to the vet's and there's a vicious dog and I don't have where to put her... So I turned back and headed home.
Called the vet's. They said they'll lend me a cage (which meant going back there again... [I am just so so tired]). They said I can try and bring her in today, or if not then I can come tomorrow. I guess I'm going for the tomorrow option. Delaying the inevitable as much as possible (regarding Naomi's comment on previous post - my gut feeling says "no", but I know I should..). So if I can't come up with an excuse, tomorrow my dear cat will be neutered.
* I know "Dutch road" is an Israeli term, but I don't know how it's called in English, and googling it didn't help, couldn't even find pictures, the best I found was the sign post I linked. ANYWAY, a Dutch road is a road with no pavements (and, here at least, is usually built with stone [instead of the usual asphalt]) where pedestrians and vehicles share the same space. These are usually quite streets with little traffic.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Because I am generally a very v-e-r-y healthy person (never took antibiotics, and last time I was ill, with the flu, was over 20 years ago). I do not like taking drugs (I don't take painkillers. I prefer having a nice cup of tea and lying down, with my recent discovery being that doing so with loud music on actually helps with headaches!). So yes, I am taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins (which I was highly recommend to start taking before pregnancy), but that's about it. And now I started pouring hormones into my body. It's probably a low dosage, not very much, but still.. Maybe I will need help conceiving, maybe my body is too old and needs assistance, but maybe I am just going too fast?
I admit the HSG did somewhat alarm me, and my age (38) is not calming me down, and the FSH which I was sure that by now would be quite high [about a year ago when I first started with procedures, it was six something. Not too bad, still in the "safe" zone of under 10, but still I did expect it to be lower. And I was sure that by now it would show a higher number, because lets face it, I'm not getting any younger]. And now getting my test results back (FSH is three something!), and well I am approaching 40 (the magical year in which, at least in my mind, fertility starts declining) but still am not yet there, and as I mentioned, I am healthy. I don't think I will be able to say next month (if I'm not successful) no to hormones once I've started, and I will probably be on a somewhat higher dosage, but right now I am having second thoughts whether it was wise to start on hormones.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
You are The Lovers
Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.
The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.
Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.
Even calling it just "love" sounds weird and wrong to me. I am so out of love, my heart feels so empty, love is the last card I should have picked..
But I do agree with them with the intuition thing. I do believe I have good intuitions.
And the instinctive knowledge they're talking about in the end - do they mean having a child? Because going the sperm donor path as a single person is sure not the path I ever thought I would take..
Monday, 20 October 2008
But as they say - all's well that ends well, and right now I do feel like humming the song above :-).
So I started my morning going to the fertility clinic. Lucky I did so, because it seems that I really shouldn't start a day later, if already then a day earlier. Knowing that Tuesday will be a problem since I'm not mobile (there are emergency centres but might be a problem getting to one, and I did want first time to have a nurse guide me), I was told to start today. I left the clinic, bought the meds in the pharmacy nearby and headed of to my session with my therapist, with over an hour to spare. On the way I opened the box to look at it and realized I forgot to buy alcohol. So now I also have to find a pharmacy..
Now although in the building right next to where my clinic is there is a nurses' centre where I could have gone and had it done, my mind was set on having it done when I get home (after the therapist) at the local clinic in my home town (which I'll call R). That's where I envisioned it, and didn't think otherwise. Luckily my therapist advised me to go back to the Tel-Aviv centre (i.e the one near my fertility clinic, where I should have gone to in the hour I had in the morning), since I wouldn't have made it to R on time. But unfortunately by the time I got there, the nurses and doctors had all gone. By now I was really stresses out. It's not for me, all this running around, finding where and how before everything closes. And the receptionist at the building was so not helpful, not that she was unkind or anything. I was stressed, and her repeating the fact that there's no-one here now and that they are closing and that at 14:00 there will be an emergency centre.... Finally I understood that I was to come back at two. It was 11:20, which meant over two hours of just hanging around. As I left the building, I realized I am still with the meds that should be kept cool, but with no real means of doing so, and it was a hot day..
So I went to the nearby mall, bought the alcohol (at least I could do that while I'm waiting!), bought some crossword magazines and sat on the most uncomfortable benches to pass the time (oh, I am so not into shopping and looking at shop windows and trying on new clothes and all that. I hate it!!!). I was contemplating on asking the fresh juice stall for some ice (I was even willing to buy some), but I was too shy to ask. Later I bought some ice at a nearby gas station. A bit pricey for water I will never use, but oh well..
The nurse at the centre was very nice. Although she told me it's not their job to guide (it was an emergency centre, not a normal one) she did show me how and even let me inject myself. I knew it wouldn't be too difficult, but I was actually surprised at how easy it was. No problem! I could have done it at home alone without all the hassle, but better to be sure.. There was a point when the needle was out when I started thinking maybe I should be afraid. After all, again the therapist tried leading the conversation into the - wow, injecting yourself, first time, etc... but I was a vampire in my previous incarnation. I love looking at the needle penetrating my body when I have blood drawn.. If already, the most difficult part was riping [oops.. ment wiping..] my belly (oh, and showing my big fat belly wasn't too bad either. I guess it's good I had time to adjust to that notion) - she gave me cotton-wool to
On the bright side..
=> I did manage to get it done.
=> I now know for sure I can do it alone
=> and the meds were much, much cheaper than what I expected!!!
So yes, I can now sing :-))
Sunday, 19 October 2008
I'll try go in tomorrow morning. Don't know if they're working tomorrow morning, but if they didn't answer me today, they sure won't answer me tomorrow.
So, it means that on Wednesday morning, I'll have to run and buy the meds, hope it will all be O.K (there's a 45 days validity on the prescription. Today is day #47..). Hope it doesn't matter what time of day I inject. Hope I manage to find out when nurses guide you (I believe in the morning). Hope it's O.K to start injecting even without hearing from the clinic. Hope it won't make too much of a difference starting on day 6 (I was told to start on day 5). Hope on Wednesday I do manage to reach them (probably won't be easy since I bet I'm not the only one..) and at least get instructions on how to proceed (U.S/blood tests as usual??).
Well, at least let me finish this post on a positive note, and mention that I did go this morning and have my blood drawn, so at least one thing was done.
* a bridge - When one joins two non working days (eg. yesterdays Shabbat and Tuesday's [and half Monday's] holiday) into a one longish holiday (in the eg above - from Friday afternoon till Tuesday night [Sunday is a regular working day here].
Edited later (I wrote this post in the afternoon but had problems with blogger): I heard that the clinic will be open tomorrow, but only half day (as they say it was today. yeh right). So I'll go in early tomorrow morning.
Friday, 17 October 2008
This time I have to have 3rd day blood work since last time I had it done was about a year ago. I was told to do it about three months ago. At that time I was on my fifth day of my period and although here they say to have the blood tested on days 3-5, I could only go in the next day (they only do blood tests early in the mornings) and I actualy did want to go in on day 3, so that was missed. Then last month, I was really hoping day three won't fall on a holiday. Luckily it didn't, but I was too lazy to go and have the blood test done.. And now. Next Tuesday is a Sabbeth in which everything is closed. Monday will be like a Friday (a half day), and I think (but not sure) that they don't do blood tests on Fridays (i.e not on the coming Monday). So my prayings were - Please dear period, please come on a Friday (making Sunday day 3). Sunday will be O.K if you must come a little later (so I'll have the blood drawn on day 4). But whatever you do, please - DO NOT COME ON SATURDAY! (because I really don't want to have blood drawn on day 5. Probably it's not that important, but if it would have come then, I would have waited for my next period (yes, assuming I won't get pregnant in next teatment). So yes, I got what I prayed for, and even though it is tiny winy bit early, I got my period today.
But... today it suddenly occured to me that there is another factor to concider. Since I'm going to start doing hormones, I need a nurse to show me how to do the first injection. I'm quite confident that I know more or less what to do, but I really should have someone physically show me. I am to start injections on day five. Day 5 being a Tuesday, being a sabbeth here. Urgh! I can probably start on day 6, but it's just really annoying. And it also means on Sunday morning I'll have to rush to clinic and then buy the stuff.
BUT BUT BUT... My period is here! Finally I can start trying to conceive again! Those two long months of just sitting and waiting for time to pass are over. And the really great news is that after Tuesday, there are NO MORE NON-WORKING DAYS (except of course weekends) UNTIL PESSACH (around March, April, haven't yet checked the calander)! And I'll just tell you that the last month was really crazy, because this year the festivals fell in the middle of the week, meaning one day you work the next two you don't, then another two days you work, and then don't. Anyway, that's soon over, and I'm starting to feel the excitment of starting with hormones :)))))
errrrrrrrr the speller here won't work (only on Hebrew mode. As if I have problems spelling in He). So please mind my mistakes.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Went for a few days to visit a friend up north. Left (selected) cats locked in house so they could be left with food and water. Of course I left too much water (was scared they might tip over the water bowl, so I left three..) and too much food (although they did seem a bit hungry when I came back - some of the food I put in a different place than usual which they obviously haven't discovered yet as it was still all there. But I am certain they would have found it, had they been really hungry and searching for food). Also made sure doors will remain open (so they don't get locked in a room) and of course an open window as an emergency exit.
My number one fear was a fire. Soon after I was gone I remembered I forgot to unplug this lamp I have which sits on the carpeted floor (long story). Cats usually run around here and play, knocking this lamp again and again on the carpet, and carpet was scorched a bit once when I didn't notice.. I believe they could easily accidentally switch it on, and well... should have unplugged it! Didn't help when it was somewhat chilly sitting outside and someone mentioned a fire. There were a few other words scattered. Words of no real significant, but all I could hear was - fire; die; killed; food; grave [on the newspaper crossword on my way home! out of all the words they could put in a crossword, they had to put "grave" when I'm worried sick if cats are still alive???]; etc.
Although I was offered to stay another day, and would have really loved to stay and be with the older son for the day (he's on school vacation and a real great kid!), I was so worried, I couldn't. Could also hardly sleep thinking if cats are O.K, and then I dreamt Michelle died because of me. Though strangely, in the dream she died because I left her locked outside (she somehow jumped from a tall building and broke her neck, and I was holding her flexible and warm body [warm - must have "just missed" her death] and crying), whereas in reality my fear was that something would happen to her while locked inside..).
I did want to phone them to see if they are doing all right. Well, I know I will be a worried parent [but hope not to be over protecting), that's not news to me. Maybe the degree is, and wow, if cats were a human child - how worried can one get.. (but at least a human child can answer the phone!).
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Well coming back to this nephew.. We weren't at his Bar-Mitzvah because his father wouldn't have us there. Not his aunts and uncles and grandparents or even his siblings (from sister's second husband). He even wouldn't have my sister, the kid's mum, but the boy insisted. On Wednesday, doing the Yom-Kipur walk, going into one of the shuls, it was somewhat exciting to see his "Parasha" as the next one. A bittersweet excitement as we won't be with him to celebrate. And then last night he "sang" to us his "Parasha" (O.K, so a cantor he won't be..), so we could somewhat be with him.
I would have swallowed all that crap. We are going to go to Jerusalem on Thursday, to the western wall, and have our own celebration of this special occasion, but hearing how this ex treated my sister in the shul... how everybody else got to go up to the Torah (לעלות לתורה) except for her, how he wouldn't let her sit telling her the seats are reserved but then no one special sat there, how he humiliated her in front of her, no their, kid [boy went afterwards to his mother to apologize :-(], what I would really like to do is bite his head off.*
* oh, I actually mean bite his head off. I was googling to find what creature does so (The Black Widow?) when I saw it is actually an idiom..
In my Israeli blog there are statistics of how many entries and supposedly from where (like if it's a Google query. but usually it doesn't say a thing. Definitely [and I thought I got it right this time :-(] not from what country/town and how long etc.). And I am a fan of numbers and quite frequently go into the stats page (too frequently one would say...). Here in blogger I was happy that no such thing. As I said, I knew one can get statistic information, but wasn't too interested. Except my profile (which unfortunately also counts my own entries), I am in an ignorant state - I don't know who enters my blog and reads it, or even how many people dropped by.
[wow, I am really shivering now. suddenly I became so cold. already put on a long sleeve. I guess the next step will be to close the window. (noooooo! I don't want to close it!)]
So as I was saying, I don't know who/when/why/what/where reads me, and it's nice not thinking about statistics [the cold got to me. had to close the window..].
And I read once in a blog someone mention how they can see all sorts of information [na, still cold. shall I close the door!?] which got me a bit worried. I'm kind of a private person, don't like the idea of being detected. But now I was reading this blog with a site meter, and just for the fun I decided to enter. And boy was I shocked to see all the data. I'm uncomfortable because of the amount of time I (seemingly) spend on a blog. Blogs that I find and like, I have to read from the beginning. It might be stupid or whatever, but I can't just go into the present. And being a Gemini, I do not just read one blog (or blog entry) at a time, but have to have at least 10 windows open at a time (be it with blogs, forums, my mail, whatever), reading a paragraph here and then here, etc. Add to the fact that I leave the computer on for times while coming and going. So, wow, it must seem I'm such a lurker..
I think that if I were American, having all this information would bother me less. After all, the vast majority of readers were Americans (88% in the case of this blog I saw), and anyway America is a big country. A very big country. One can easily blend in (in the stats, that is). But being from a small country that I am, it kind of signals me out (or at least it feels so..).
Well, I think it's high time I go to bed [ahhh, my idee-down. some would probably say that if I'm cold I should put on some shoes or slippers or at least socks. can't bare! anyway I'll soon be tucked under my idee-down having sweet dreams :-)]
Maybe one day I too will put up a site meter. First I should probably put up a blog roll [one day when I'm confident enough]. I think it's only fair since the vast majority of blogs I read, I found from other bloggers blog rolls.
If there are any spelling mistakes, terrible grammar or whatever, please take into consideration the time..
Thursday, 2 October 2008
But I think in the last year things began to get out of hand. Too many cats, and since I haven't neutered them, they breed and breed. Besides Jupiter (my "original" cat) there are two sisters who live here with their kittens and two more of their half sisters (all four have the same mother, but were born on a different litter) come here for food. And these kittens are the ones who made it to adulthood. There were also enough of those who didn't survive. Kittens who wouldn't eat and I fed (or at least tried to feed) them by hand (and going down the aisle in the shop, looking for baby formula - that was one strange experience!), and I had enough sad stories, but I really can't afford to neuter them all.
And now I'm just after another sad story. Don't really know how it ended, want to believe that this one did have a happy ending. One of the cats who just comes here to eat gave birth here. But I only noticed the little kitten after I kicked the adult cats out in order to eat. He was still tied to the placenta, which one of the other older kittens was trying to eat, dragging new born kitten with him. I immediately cut the cord and went to search for the mother. And I don't know if it was my doing or if regardless there was something wrong (hey, when I made her go out, she didn't show any special resistance), but I couldn't get her to take her kitten. I could do nothing for this kitten except keep it warm, not even feed it since it was a holiday and everything was closed for two whole days. And even if I could, I really couldn't get into another story where I try and try and kitten doesn't survive. I really had too many heartbreaks of that sort. So eventually I wrapped it in an old warm shirt of mine and put him outside. Hopefully the mother will deal with it, if not then at least I won't see it suffering.
The next day the kitten was gone, and two more kittens were born in my place. She (the mother) since removed the kittens to a different place. I know where it is and I can see her, but I can't get to it and it's impossible for me to see if and how many kittens there are there, so as I said - I don't know how it ended but can hope it was a good ending.
And why am I telling all this? I really don't want to turn this blog into cats stories. This blog is about my journey to become a mother, and that's how I want to keep it. But there is a connection. See, ever since I neutered my dog about 15 years ago, ever since I denied her the right to bring offspring into the world, I felt that I was denied that right too. I know it's stupid and has no logic, but until she died, I just knew I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. And I really can't afford to neuter all the cats here, and for the most of them I do hope in the near future to find another home for them. But Michelle is a cat I want to keep, and she is now 6 months, and I can feel she is about to get on heat, and the last thing I want is for her to have kittens now. But then I don't want to doom myself for another 20 years of childlessness (which is really dooming myself to never having a child). As I said, I know it's silly. I probably need someone from the outside to tell me so I can call the vet on Sunday for an appointment.