Friday, 27 June 2008

On the positive side..

When I thought I was pregnant, one thing that concerned me was the realization that s/he will be born in March. My worries were work based - giving birth a month later would probably be O.K due to the Pesach holiday, then after that there's the summer holiday [in any case I'll be skipping August's insemination, so as not to give birth in May. If I can help it, I don't want my child and I (especially if she's a girl) to have birthdays too close together], and then there's the beginning of the year with all the holidays. So in a way I'm a bit relieved - I won't be giving birth in March.

Another positive point is that I would like to loose a bit of weight and start doing some sports. Once I'm pregnant I obviously won't be able to, should do only sports that I'm used to, and of course will be eating for two. But this is probably just a positive point for the paper since it is too hot for any sports..

On the reverse side of the previous clause, I can now have all the sushi; coffee; wine; beer; cigarettes I want! Hurray !!
So what if I hate sushi, don't like coffee, don't really drink alcohol, and.. cigarettes - please, no where near me! So what! This is a positive post, and as I'm not pregnant, should I wish to do any of the above - I sure could!

On a more serious note there's the folic acid and the prenatal tablets I am taking. I've been taking the folic acid for almost a year, but unrealizing there are different kinds, for most of this period I took the 0.4 mg. tablets, and only started on the 5 mg. a couple of months ago. Prenatal tablets I started taking very recently, around the time of the last insemination. These nutritional supplements are part of my efforts to prepare myself as best as I possibly could. So here I gained another month of preparation!

And finally, I am greatly relieved to have "managed" to put off those terrible labour pains by at least another month..

Sunday, 22 June 2008

blood ;-(

And right on time.
Next time?

And if instincts don't tell you you are, then you probably aren't :-(.

All I want now to do now is to curl up, bundle myself like a fetus and the hell with the world. Don't want anybody comforting me and telling me that maybe next time, or that even though now it seems like I'll never have kids that I will some day. Don't want to cheer myself up with ice-cream or even some chocolate (my first reaction was to buy some).

Anyway, resolutions for next time - I think getting two negative answers is too much. I already marked on my calender day no.30, by when if I'm not pregnant, I should definitely get my period, and only then do the blood test. Not before.

Saturday, 21 June 2008

signs (?)

Switching between hopefulness and trying to come with terms with the fact that - not this time. Trying to picture myself at the bank - if I can see myself visiting them in the near future, then probably I'm not pregnant. Actually had to try real hard to vision me there..

One sign I was desperately looking for, was some kind of pain or soreness or something in the breasts, and... mostly nothing! But the other night I did feel some kind of soreness (although only on one breast). But since it had gone the next day, I assumed it had nothing to do with trying to conceive, and hopefulness went away.

Last night sister #4 asked if there was any news, to which I replied in the negative. Today she asked again, mentioning that my breasts seem to have grown, which is the first sign of pregnancy. My first reaction was a surprise - do you really think they grew!? And thinking that last night when she saw me they might have seemed bigger because I played around a bit with the straps of my bra (they bothered me). But.. thinking again, yes, they probably did grow a little. And I don't think I have been eating too much rubbish lately. So maybe.... Here comes hopefulness again :-)

And the nausea. Yes, I've been feeling quite bad in the last (hmmm.. don't really remember how long :-]). But as much as I would like to attribute it as a sign, unfortunately pregnancy isn't the only reason to cause such a feeling. The horrible weather (hot and humid) is of course competitor number one, but also could have been intensified by my gloomy self.

So am I or am I not?
I read an advice on the Internet. They were talking about a false negative response to a pregnancy test. The most common reason was doing the test too early (One thing is for sure - next time [if there is a next time (-; ] I won't rush to do it after two weeks, but rather wait a little). There were also some strange stories about these negative results, with the weirdest was of a woman who kept getting a negative response, and due to her complaining that if she wasn't pregnant then something was wrong with her, had an ultra-sound only to discover she was 5 months pregnant! Anyway, the advice was that if your instinct tells you you are pregnant, then you probably are. Unfortunately my instinct tells me no such thing. Only lets me wait and go from hopefulness to despair. But at least since I still haven't got my period, I still could be..
(hopefulness won this post. despair won the previous one..)
Are painful period pains some kind of preparation for labour pains??

For about two weeks I've been having mild period pains, nothing that bothered me on my day-to day activities. Just something that was there. Funny, but for the last day or two there was nothing, and now they're back, and unusually painful. I haven't yet got my period, but with these pains, it does seem unevadable. So, at least are these pains some kind of preparation, or should I not want to know??


P.S

Inseminations too were painful (especially the last one, I was really hoping not to repeat it), but couldn't help thinking that the pain of sperm coming in is probably nothing compared to the pain of baby coming out :-(

later.. and then there was nothing.. I don't know how long it lasted, but thank god it's over..

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Confused

Well, they phoned from the clinic with a negative result. But was also a bit surprised that I came to do the test even though I'm not late getting my period and told me to come and have the test done again if I don't get my period by Sunday. I really don't know what to think. If the blood I saw was indeed implantation blood (and I really can't see any reason why not - I am basically a very healthy person, and it seems too much of a coincidence that at this very specific moment in my life it should indicate some ill with me) and if it appeared a week ago, then surly by now a blood test would be able to say that I'm pregnant. So.. maybe there was a beginning of an implantation, but somehow it didn't work out (the story I will stick to if indeed I've failed this cycle!).
And I'm so confused. I thought that two weeks since insemination was enough. That I don't have to wait for my period to show up (or rather not show..), but that I could come and have a test done. So should I be sad, or could I be hopeful? Is a "no" after two weeks a definite no, or maybe if my periods are a bit longer than usual I should give myself an extra day or two? It's funny, although I am definitely upset (and very moody), I don't know if to laugh or cry, if it's good news or bad news.

Anyway, in the action front I have a few possibilities:
  1. Wait till Sunday. If I don't get a period by then, go and have a blood test again on Monday morning.
  2. Like pervious clause, but before do a home pregnancy test (first would have to overcome my embarassy of buying such a thing..), and only if there is some kind of indication of a positive result go ahead and do the blood test.
  3. Wait another week and see what happens. I should be getting my period from about Monday-Wednesday. If (if!) I don't get it by Wednesday, then I could surly assume pregnangcy and take the test again.

Fears

I'm trying to schedule this post, just for the fun of it. I'll ask it to be published on Thursday at 7:30 when about I should be at the clinic taking the Beta test. I think out of all the two week wait, the most nerve recking will be after I come home from the clinic and sit by the phone waiting for the results! (I do hope they'll contact me before 14:00 when I have to leave home [I'm a no cellphone freak..], I mean they should, but if not... I don't really know how I'll be able to work..).

Anyway.. Fears.... My first response when I saw the blood knowing that it might very well mean good news (before, I was certain this was a no good cycle) was - NO! Kind of a strange response when what you really really want, when what your ever so much desire for might be happening. My initial response for this reaction of mine was that I felt that I'm not ready yet. Mainly not ready in the house front - I am very messy and untidy and have tried again and again to tidy up, but haven't really succeeded. It comes in waves - Usually I'm quite energyless. Somehow, sometime I decide to face my mess and do something about it. The thing is, I never get around to finishing, and it usually deteriorates so quickly... Anyway, my initial reaction was no since this is definitely not a house where a child could be raised.
Amazingly, my psychologist managed to see through this, managed to see my true fears. What kind of mother will I be? Will I be like my mother - a woman who obviously loves her kids and cares for them, but something in the emotional bonding was missing. So, will I be my very own mother? Will I be a good mother? Will I be a better mother?

And more practical fears: Will I be able to handle it - raising a child on my own? And what if I won't, well I can't just return the baby; sorry, not suitable for me! And every body (in my SMBC forum) talks about how difficult it is - will it really be so hard? Will I manage to enjoy my child, or will I be so exhausted? Or even looking at sister #6 and her baby. She is happily married and yet finds it difficult (oh, and she has such an easy baby!), so how will I cope alone? Or how easy/difficult would it be to ask for help. Somehow when there are two of you and you need help, it is quite obvious, but, hey.. I'm the one who decided to go for it, so I'm the one who should live with it.. And job wise. I tutor kids. Some come to me, but mostly I go to their houses. So how will it be when I'm eight months pregnant? Or what will happen after birth? How will I manage my job and taking care of a little baby?
So many fears, but I'm sure that somehow everything will be alright :-)

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Oh My God!

Went just now to the toilet, rubbed my bottom with toilet paper, and.... blood! Not flowing blood like a period, just red all over the paper, maybe like what is called a spotting. I never get spottings, and am definitely not due yet (should be getting in at least another week and a half, and my periods are regular and on time. always!). I am completely shaking.

Later (6:00): Could hardly sleep last night [and barely managed to write "could" :-D]. Was it my imagination? I don't think so, although it was a once and only thing. So does it mean implantation bleeding?? It was red while I read that usually it's pink or brown, but the timing was good (7-10 days after conception - I assume that 6 days and 12 hours could be turned into 7 full days..). I am sure it has nothing to do with my period (the timing and the amount completely don't fit). Or maybe, maybe has nothing to do with trying to conceive (TTC), and was some indication of some ill with me? Although I don't really believe that, I am really frightened of having high hopes.
And last night, all I could think of was - NO! I am completely, totally, absolutely not ready yet. My house is a total mess, haven't yet got my driving licence etc, etc.

and still later (midnight the following day..): don't and didn't at any time feel pregnant (although was of course hopefull (-:), and now have these early signs of the slowly approaching period. Errrr, why can't one just know straight away..

Thursday, 5 June 2008

And then we wait...

The two week wait.. The first part, which anyhow is the easier part, will probably fly by with my aunt being here for my mother's birthday and my dad's dog coming home from rehabilitation. But the week after.. And the annoying thing is the uncertainty of when I should test to see if I'm pregnant. They say that after two weeks, if I haven't got my period, then I should come and have a Beta test (I don't have any pregnancy tests at home, and prefer not having/doing them). My problem is that although my cycle is a bit longer than average (used to be 31 days, went down to about 29. Last cycle was 26 days! Must be my shortest..), I (probably, not completely sure yet) ovulate a bit earlier than normal, at around day 12 or 13. So... I most probably won't be getting my period in two weeks time, more two and a half weeks. Now the question is - do I do the test in 2 weeks even so I am still not supposed to get my period, or do I wait a bit longer and then be highly disappointed if it turns out negative? Last time I waited beyond those two weeks. In fact I waited until I got my period (I think I said that if I won't get it until such and such a date I'll go and do the test, and I probably got it at the very last moment [although I already had a feeling it wasn't going to be]).

And the good news - this time I managed to stay on the chair after the insemination for a whole 9 minutes! I was going to wait 10 minutes, but then I heard noises of someone trying to open a door and started to panic (There was a dialogue between panicked me and logical me. Logical me explained that what I heard was from the doctors office which is the room next to where I was sitting. Most of the wait I could hear mumbles and then it was quiet and then the door noises, so probably someone's conference with the doctor was over. That was logical me who manged to keep panicked me for another minute or so, but eventually panicked me said that enough is enough and quickly put her on clothes and dashed out..). Anyway I felt much less embarrassed this time lying there with my feet up..