Yes, that would be me. People always ask me how are the nights and if she sleeps through the night etc. Well no and mostly I'm okay with that part of the night (and drives me crazy how people say/think poor me and how she should sleep a whole night blah blah. We bed share, I don't need to wake early for work, nights work for me/s). What people don't so much ask, and what does not work for me is the going to sleep. It could take two or more hours. Very frustrating. [even now while I'm typing she is very much awake and playing]. We actally did manage to establish a routine in the last week or so of bath/shower and then B.E.D. [oh please, we did try that in the past. didn't work..]. Today there was no shower (needed to turn boiler on for the first time, forgot one switch..... water was too cold..). And so no sleep. URG. [she is now going through all my old letters/cards, handing some to me, tearing others. shall I add another urg...]. Anyway [and sorry for this one big paragraph. not in the mood to do paragraphs] I am patient and patient and patient. But at some point I loose it. Well I used to be bad at that, I think I improved a lot, but still I get very impatient. So it is ten o'clock. She is finally in bed with some nice quiet music in the backgrond [a take two from about ten minutes earlier when she bit me throgh the shirt instead of waiting for me to prepare myself]. I'll cut it short to me not letting her off the bed (forgot she may need to pee) and her peeing on the bed and very angry me taking her to the potty, and might I add, I was not gentle taking her, rather I felt I was quite violent and violently putting her down. [23:00. someone is sleeping. hurray]. But that's not the worst part :-(. The potty happened to be near the corner of the cupboard. Putting her down she almost got a bang from it and there was this thought that passed my head how she would have deserved such a bang. Yes, please hang me in the town centre for being such an awful mum. While I didn't physically hurt her my manner was very violent. Did I mention in an earlier post becoming my father?? Don't remember if I did but these episodes so make me feel like I am.
Anyway having a cuppa tea, and on to my form and blog reading. Goodnight.
5 comments:
Oh, I understand that frustration that leads to feeling violent. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
The stress of daily life as an SMC and being chronically sleep-deprived are brutal facts of life right now. There's a big difference between feeling/thoughts and actions. You know the difference and always will. You are not a bad mother. You are a normal mother.
Lara said it better than I could. You are not a bad mum but a great one for recognizing your feelings & not acting on them. Hug :)
I'm sure we all feel like we should get the bad mother of the year award sometimes, but you are not a bad mom! She WILL get better! Is she still taking naps during the day? Mine always stays up until at least 10 or 11 when she has a nap during the day...it always frustrated me when I told the preschool that she shouldn't nap and once in awhile they would let her nap...then wouldn't tell me...e would be up forever playing. Finally, I would ask if she had a nap that day and the answer was always yes. UGH! She WILL get better at going to bed!
I had one of those bad mommy moments last week. I had to call my friend and go sit outside. I actually just broke down and cried. Truth is we are not bad moms, just tired, and I so get your frustration. When I start calculating the number of years I would serve before parole, I go outside and take some deep breaths.
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