Sunday, 22 March 2015

A Ray of Hope

Sorry I haven't been here in s-u-c-h a long time! A lot has happened.. Butterfly learnt to ride a bicycle (without training wheels) within a day - due to riding a balance bike for two year. All she had to learn was how to peddle, because she already knew how to keep her balance. She is now flourishing socially. It is lovely to watch her! We have just moved to a new place (are still in the process of unpacking), and..

I am currently in my last tww ever. Last not because I know I will end with a baby, but because I won't be able to do any more cycles. I know that at least I have my daughter, and she is wonderful and amazing and all, but I still would have really wanted to have more than one child. Yesterday we were at her cousin's birthday party and daughter was being motherly towards his baby brother - something she has never done before, and that made me so sad knowing that chances are that I won't be able to give her a little brother or sister.

At 8dpo I peed on a stick. Completely naughty me, I know.. The previous day my boobs were hurting me a lot and then the next day nothing. So I decided to use the last pee stick I had at home, believing it's a negative but hoping to at least see a positive due to the trigger. It was negative and I completely crushed. I hate this IVF with the progesterone supplement that makes your boobs hurt and you wonder whether it's an early pregnancy symptom or just the supplement. And yes, there is a ray of hope, and I am oh, so hoping [if you can, please look up tonight at the stars, at Venus in particular, and send some positive energy. thank you!]. But as much as I am hoping, I do know the chances are slim. As much as I would like, I can't stop taking now the progesterone, as long as there is a little bit of hope. And I hate this little bit of hope that doesn't let me get over this cycle and really morn not being able to produce a sibling.

P.S
Moving houses during the tww - a great way to put your mind of this crazy thought roller coaster -- some of the time.


EDT after publishing this post I went and read posts from my successful cycle. Unfortunately this cycle doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Reading over there, while I totally didn't believe I was pregnant, I did have some sensitive feeling in the boobs. While I can't say I have completely nothing now, it is becoming less and less. But I also liked what I wrote there about hope, just what I was trying to write here...

P.S.S - this is my 404th post. 404 - isn't that the number you get when you get to a web page that doesn't exist anymore?? [i.e baby #2]

10 comments:

Tiara said...

So good to hear from you! & about how well Butterfly is doing! We are just at the transition from balance bike to peddle bike & Elena needs to get that concept of the peddles so she can balance & ride.

I'm sending you some old fashioned baby dust & all the hopes that this tww results in your baby #2!

Laraf123 said...

Thinking of you. Missed your posts!

SMC in STL said...

Just found your blog. The TWW sucks! Hoping for good news for you...

Little One said...

So glad to see your post again!!! Thinking of you as you finish this 2ww and wishing you sticky baby dust. SR still can't pedal anything and she wasn't keen last summer on her balance bike either. Congrats to Butterfly. I'm glad she's socially coming into her own. How is your sister doing on her own?

Billy said...

Thanks :-)

Billy said...

Thanks :-)

Billy said...

Thanks :-)

Miss X said...

So glad to hear from you. Any news?

Tiara said...

Thinking of you & especially Butterfly today & wishing her a very happy 5th birthday!! Hope you all are well!

Billy said...

Thank you so much Tiara for remembering! And thanks for the birthday wishes :-)
I do want to blog, I have so much to write about, I do hope to get back into it soon..