A Ray of Hope

Sorry I haven't been here in s-u-c-h a long time! A lot has happened.. Butterfly learnt to ride a bicycle (without training wheels) within a day - due to riding a balance bike for two year. All she had to learn was how to peddle, because she already knew how to keep her balance. She is now flourishing socially. It is lovely to watch her! We have just moved to a new place (are still in the process of unpacking), and..

I am currently in my last tww ever. Last not because I know I will end with a baby, but because I won't be able to do any more cycles. I know that at least I have my daughter, and she is wonderful and amazing and all, but I still would have really wanted to have more than one child. Yesterday we were at her cousin's birthday party and daughter was being motherly towards his baby brother - something she has never done before, and that made me so sad knowing that chances are that I won't be able to give her a little brother or sister.

At 8dpo I peed on a stick. Completely naughty me, I know.. The previous day my boobs were hurting me a lot and then the next day nothing. So I decided to use the last pee stick I had at home, believing it's a negative but hoping to at least see a positive due to the trigger. It was negative and I completely crushed. I hate this IVF with the progesterone supplement that makes your boobs hurt and you wonder whether it's an early pregnancy symptom or just the supplement. And yes, there is a ray of hope, and I am oh, so hoping [if you can, please look up tonight at the stars, at Venus in particular, and send some positive energy. thank you!]. But as much as I am hoping, I do know the chances are slim. As much as I would like, I can't stop taking now the progesterone, as long as there is a little bit of hope. And I hate this little bit of hope that doesn't let me get over this cycle and really morn not being able to produce a sibling.

P.S

Moving houses during the tww - a great way to put your mind of this crazy thought roller coaster -- some of the time.


EDT after publishing this post I went and read posts from my successful cycle. Unfortunately this cycle doesn't look like it's going anywhere. Reading over there, while I totally didn't believe I was pregnant, I did have some sensitive feeling in the boobs. While I can't say I have completely nothing now, it is becoming less and less. But I also liked what I wrote there about hope, just what I was trying to write here...

P.S.S - this is my 404th post. 404 - isn't that the number you get when you get to a web page that doesn't exist anymore?? [i.e baby #2]