Saturday, 28 November 2015

Ofir and Rainbow

The Shortest Version
I am pregnant. Twins. One of them doesn't have a brain. Don't yet know what the next step is (that is how and when to finish its life).

The Short Version
I totally believed I was not pregnant, so much so that I refused to actually have a pregnancy test - I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing another negative result (more so it being my last attempt). I did feel strange things but was sure it was either a tumour or that my inner female parts had fallen or something like that. I did learn I was pregnant when my tummy started growing really big and I had some milk from my boobs.
I saw the doctor yesterday (one that I made an appointment when I thought it was a tumour etc) and saw that there were twins, one of them a bit smaller and without a brain. He sent me to the hospital for further consultation as to what to do.

Ofir is the name I had for if I had twins, so that's the name of the foetus that won't survive. Ofir is a Biblical land of gold.

I do not know the gender of either - I didn't want to know. I do know that they are not the same gender.

I was going [about a week ago when I wrote the above..] to write a much longer and detailed version (aka The Long Version...) but I think the above gives the main story.
A great happiness and a great sadness mixed together.
I want to somehow say goodbye to Ofir. He or she is my child. I am not sure what or how. Will it be right for me to see him/her after birth? etc. I do feel Ofir kicking in me. I go from wanting to ignore its existence completely to wanting to cherish its picture forever. I hope to use this platform to say goodbye from Ofir.



Rainbow, on the other hand is the name of the twin that should survive. Butterfly chose that name.. She, btw, doesn't know about Ofir, only that I am pregnant with Rainbow. Though she does know something is wrong (it is hard to hide). But she did say the other day while playing (that is, not to me) that it can't be that mummy has twins because her tummy isn't so big. It is hard hiding from her when she is around me most of the day (a homeschooling single mum..). I am starting to wonder if I should tell her or not.

8 comments:

tireegal68 said...

How difficult and how wonderful too. Words almost fail me. I'm happy that you have the chance to produce a sibling for Butterfly. It also sounds scary and a lot of the unknown. How far along are you? Big hugs during this difficult time:)

Billy said...

Thanks. I'm 29 weeks..

St Elsewhere said...

Dear Billy,

I am so stumped. So sorry to know about Ofir. I do not know if Butterfly will be able to process the news about the baby she is not aware of. You are the best judge.

But I think you should tell Butterfly about it some other day....some day in the future.

For now, take care of yourself, and all your children!

Billy said...

Thank you. I do plan on Butterfly (and Rainbow) knowing about this one day. I am just not sure if now, before birth, is the time.

Tiara said...

I am happy for you...and sad. And sorry I am just seeing this now. What a rollercoaster you are on.

miss x said...

Wow. You've been on my mind since I saw this and few weeks ago. I am so happy and so sad for you.
It is unlikely Butterfly would understand at such a young age. I hope you have friends to lean on.

Billy said...

Oh, I do intend to update here but currently... Well my twins were born 3 weeks ago [Tiara, about 5 hours after you posted...]. Ofir (=girl) died soon after birth. Noga (=boy), who was born at 31 weeks, is still in the premature ward. I am busy between him in the hospital and big sister at home..

Miss X said...

Thank you for the update. I'll be keeping your family in my prayers.