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Saturday, 23 August 2008

Will I ever be a mummy???

I really don't believe I will ever succeed. I know that about a year ago I couldn't ever see myself actually begin TTC and inseminations and the lot and here I am, and I know that before that I didn't think that I could ever go the path of becoming a mother through donor sperm, and yet I passed that obstacle. But still.. I do hope that one day I will be looking with amazement at that lovely little being sleeping next to me and not understand how I thought s/he would never come to be, but now it feels like it never will happen.
And every time there there is such a nice reason why I should be pregnant, why it must work this month, If it's being almost the same week pregnant as sister #6 or having conceived the baby on such a nice date (8.8.08) or almost last chance of having three pregnant sisters in the family (sister #3 is due in a little over a month..), And every time I have a reason why it just has to work, it obviously fails. Like how looking for symptoms was/is a bad thing, I too have to stop looking for "reasons" why this month of all months it must work (reasons... yes, becoming a mother is the reason, but that goes without saying..).
And the reverse is true too. Whenever I have an opportunity to tell my family as a whole that I'm pregnant, obviously it just won't happen that month. When I'll be troubled as to how, who and when to tell different members of my family, when it could be nice to have some kind of family gathering to take advantage of the fact that everyone's there, that's when I'll succeed. If ever.

I know I am only at my fourth attempt, which is probably nothing, and why am I feeling so blue at quite an early stage in my journey. If I was with a husband/boyfriend, we probably only now would have began to feel somewhat frustrated that things aren't going as planned, but would have probably agreed on giving it a try for another couple of months before really starting to worry. I envy couples for their right to try to conceive without all this TWW and failures. And their "ability" to do so not only in a non artificial/technical/mechanical way, but also as an act of love.


bleu said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. TTC and having it not work is so filled with ups and downs. Some months you get so sure and full of hope and then the next month you are positive it won't happen. Some let downs are way harder than others. It is a real heavy awful roller coaster. They say it takes most "normal" people 2 seasons to get pregnant. I used to hold on to that when I was first ttc #2. It got hard at try 4 and try 8 and try 10 though, no idea why but it would be like that. I really hope you have very few tries needed and soon you will be looking back at this post as a distant memory,

Billy said...

Thank you for your comment. It is really helpull receiving comments from people who have been through this roller coaster too! (although I feel like I've been through almost nothing if I look at your efforts to produce a sibling to Bliss [and will be crossing my fingers real tight for a lovely aultrasound!])