Butterfly's Birthday

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Saturday, 30 August 2008

One disadvantage of my fertility clinic is that although the doctors who work there are considered to be the top in the field, you don't have just the one doctor assigned to your case. I actually see this as an advantage, having your case viewed by different doctors and not just by one.
Well, my last appointment was with a "new" doctor, one that I haven't yet seen. We began with a bit of an awkward silence - I waited for him to say the usual "I see you are in your #x trial....", he waited for I don't know what (isn't it obvious why I'm sitting here in front of you!?). Anyway, he then went through my file, which I liked since he actually looked into it and not just gave a quick glance at this detail or that.

He told me to check my hormone levels again, mentioned how it's been a while since I had them checked (in fact - just about a year). That was kind of funny, since I was thinking lately how I should probably do these tests again sometime soon to see where I stand..
Well, I missed doing them this month (has to be done on day 3-5 of menstrual period), hope it doesn't jinx my next trial (since I'm waiting for my next period to do these tests, I obviously won't be getting my period for quite some time [nine months, to be exact. Well actually more since I hope I'll be breast feeding]. But because I'm expecting not to be able to do the test due to being pregnant, my next insemination will obviously fail. Yes, Twisted is my mind..).

He also sent me to do an HSG. Brrrr... that dreadful test. On one hand I'm sure there's nothing "wrong" with me and I'm only going on to my 5th trial which is not even half a year of trying. On the other hand, like the doctor said, better do it before (if and when) I will proceed to hormones. Better to know for sure what the situation is like in there, and not continue doing fruitless inseminations if indeed there is a blockage. Of course I'm completely sure there's none, which helps me think the test might be painless (wishful thinking!?). Well, I guess I'll know soon enough.

And last night I dreamt I had a little baby girl. I remember she was very small (weighed 2.4 k.g.). At one point I put her on a table, flat, like a doll. When I picked her up later on, her head was all soaked and she was shivereing (it seems I put her on something wet). I put her in between my boobs, trying to heat her up (come to think of it, that's how I tried to heat one of the kittens who unfortunatly didn't survive). I was a bit excited about it - hey, I'm a mum, and this is my daughter. My daughter. But not really excited, not really thrilled about finally being a mother, and that kind of scares me. I didn't even share my motherhood with everyone - someone (in real life from my past, not someone I'm in contact with) called about the weekly diary I ordered. A short conversation where I didn't even bother to say - hey, I have this lovely little girl. Oh, and she wasn't a lovely little girl. I remember thinking how she isn't such a cute and pretty little girl :-(. I'm so scared that I'm longing for this child, and then I'll be such a terrible mother. Scared that my child will be cross at me for bringing her/him at such a late age (when s/he will be 40, I'll be almost 80!). Scared of failing at motherhood, scared of failing to become a mother.


bleu said...

I used to have those dreams. I also had dreams of forgetting my infant in public restrooms, or at my home and going out. I was so afraid.

I think you will be an amazing mother. To me, those who worry about that,those who question themselves, are already far ahead in that department.

I wish this was a smoother road for you, I am glad the new doc seems thorough though.

Much love.

Billy said...

Thanks :-)