Butterfly's Birthday

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Monday, 16 April 2012

Can you give me a hug?

Asks my daughter's teddy when pressed, and here I am copying his (her? why does a teddy have to be a him?) request..
So much on my mind. I left the doctor's today and so wanted to cry, but it was the middle of my work day and I couldn't allow myself, and now, although I do want, it is kind of lost. Because he wouldn't give me a note to say breast-wise I am okay to start fertility treatment. And he is right, because over two years ago I came to him with a lump I felt. I did an u/s and a mammogram and all was clear so he told me to come for a check up a year later. Only I never came. Maybe because I was breastfeeding maybe because I was just lazy. So now I need a note for the fertility clinic but he wants me to do an u/s first (he also wanted a mammogram but as I am still breastfeeding he dropped that). And how do I do that with a little one? I can't ask my mother for help, asking the nanny is more expense that right now I really can't afford and I sure can't take her with me. And the appointment at the fertility clinic is later this week. Do I postpone it? Do I go hoping they'll be okay with it. But what if they ask me to come back again with that missing note? And my girl, what do I do with her?
And while I'm on doctors, let me tell you about the endocrinologist appointment I scheduled or at lest I thought I scheduled last time I saw her when she told me to come back a year later just to see if all's okay. Well that appointment should have been around now but apparently I didn't make that appointment and she is so fully booked she can only see me in the end of August, and my TSH is high and will it affect ttc? or worse, will they tell me I can't start until it is balanced?
And Jupiter. That would me my cat. The king. The one I found in a box one day when walking with Sky, my late dog. Together with 3 other kittens, probably two days old that someone left for their fate in a box (with a bowl of milk. how kind. note the cynicism. btw lets say he didn't know newborn kittens can't drink cow's milk, the milk was in a bowl higher than those small kittens!). Only Jupiter made it. And now I think he died. He's gone missing for too long and he came to me the other day in a dream (to say goodbye, but like lately, I didn't pay too much attention too him :-( ). And even now I'm sure he's gone, I hardly shed a tear. I want to cry but am not.
And then there is my mother. I don't really want to go into details here but it's causing me a lot of stress and grief. She doesn't see me or has ever really listened to me and while I have learned that for some time, I still try, never stop. Only this Pesach I was very hurt that while our family was split and everyone had their own Seder she took my sister's birth as an excuse not to do one with me (because my sister couldn't be for two bloody hours without my mother). No, that would be not doing a Seder with my daughter. My daughter who is almost two so probably the first meaningful Seder*. When I told sis#1 how upset I was about that, she laughed about me still expecting that from my mother, as my mother has been avoiding participating in a family Seder for years. But yes, I am almost 42 and I am still seeking my mother. a mother.
And I'm going over the past and realise, I don't think I've ever noticed this before, that she has never really had a mother-daughter talk with me. And oh, there were opportunities like when I got my period (I won't go into the whole story here because this post is already long enough, I'll just say a very big F for mother on her conduct). I asked her not to tell the men in the family as I was extremely shy. Now don't you think that's a great chance to talk with your daughter and explain that not only is there nothing to be embarrassed of, she should be very proud as she is becoming a young woman?? Well I got the okay for my request, only for her to tell (proudly :-( ) my father and brother the next moment. Or when I asked her how children are born (truly, I remember asking that!) and she sent me to my sister [to show me a kid's book on the subject]. No, that's not a good enough reason to sit with your young daughter and talk to her, and show her the book yourself. Okay, I really should stop here. It's just that I now can't count on her helping me with daughter which means either drugging her along with me or having the nanny look after her. And that just sucks. So, can you give me a hug?

* Not to worry, I found a Seder for me and daughter to participate in. Not the most fun one, but at least we had our Seder.

Not sure I have a picture of him (Jupiter). Will look later (probably tomorrow) and if I find something good enough I'll post it on a new post. He deserves at least that.


Laraf123 said...

I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could be the babysitter you need this week. It's so hard without a village. (Sometimes I think all is well and then things unravel all in one day and I'm at a loss for spur of the moment childcare. So I get it. I do.)

I am a year older than you and still crave comfort and attention from my mom who is absolutely not there for me. We could sway war stories if we knew each other IRL.

I'm so sorry about your cat. It's a very sad loss and your grief is real and normal.

Hang in there--take a deep breath, hug your little girl and know that it's going to get better with time. Thinking of you.

Rachael said...

^^That is a a big hug. I am sorry things are so stressful for you. I do actually think you can take your daughter to the ultrasound, even if you weren't considering ttc you should have the ultrasound soon.
I am also sorry that your mother hasn't really been a mother. I can definitely relate (very similar period story-but I expected it and hid the news from even her for 6 months when I got discovered on accident). Nothing can make it easier for you but to do what you are alread doing by being a better mom to your own little girl.

Little One said...

I am sending you a virtual hug! I hope tomorrow brings with it a new perspective but for today I am feeling your sadness. We all put off things for reasons...but when it affects our fertility it feels overwhelming! I've been there! If you brought your daughter to the u/s could she sit in a stroller in the exam room with you? or sit on the bed with you and watch while you tell her they are going to use a machine to look at your insides?

DandelionBreeze said...

Sending you a big hug from the other side of the world... hope all your appts and clearances line up to get your cycle on track ASAP xoxo

Billy said...

Thank you all so much for your hugs!! I am feeling so much better now. And yes, I could probably take Butterfly with me.

Now let me tell you something else that happened yesterday - I was walking with my daughter when a man from down the road asked if I would like some clothes for daughter as his wife was expecting and wanted everything new so they were getting rid of the old (their kids are 9 & 12). So I got a bag full of clothes!!
[and a doll. turns out it's a he doll. oops, though he was wearing a dress, lol]
And this morning I finally got around to putting in the cupboard all the summer clothes she got as hand me downs from my sisters and oh the joy of all those pretty dresses and skirts!!

St Elsewhere said...

Oh God Billy...I am sorry for all the stress that has been blowing in your life right now...a warm hug and a hand squeeze really.

Well, that craving for mum even when we are old old enough is natural and human. I am very sorry your mum has been so tuned-out.

I am glad you and Butterfly for the seder...so happy for that atleast!

Tiara said...

Sending you virtual hugs <3 Glad things are going better, who doesn't love free clothes!!