A Meme

Was tagged a while back by Heavy heart. Did mean to do tag, but here and there, so now on to the tag in which I'm supposed to share 7 weird facts about myself

Well, besides my computer which I am hooked to, I kind of don't really live in the 21st century. Partly because as always I do things late (hmm, very late) but mostly because I'm an ideologue person. So my seven weirdnesses:

1. I do not own a cell phone. Yes, sure there are times when having a cell phone could have helped. Times of emergency in which there don't seem to be any public call boxes. But I don't want a cell phone. I don't want to be enslaved by it. People are always telling me that I can always turn it off, but it is not the same, and well since most people do have cell phones, in times of emergency... *
2. I don't have a T.V set. I did have one up until about half a year ago when I started clearing my place and happily gave it to my mum (who now has an extra T.V in her kitchen). I don't watch a lot of T.V and want that at least the first couple of years of my child's life will not be spent gazing at a screen.
3. O.K, now we are coming to a point where I'm hopefully just not there yet, late as usual but that it will change. Hmm... I don't have a driving licence. Before enlisting I had quite a few tests (failed, of course. and can contradict refute the common belief myth of a free seventh test..). Since then I didn't really have time or (mainly) the money to learn. I am saving up for it, since even if I don't have a car, I think it's important to do.
4. I don't own a credit card. Any. Like to have the feel of the money, to know exactly how much I spend. Yes, it has it's down side in a 21st century world like not being able to order things from the web or in general, but I'm O.K with that.
5. Another just late point ( i.e really no ideology behind this one :-D). I have never had a massage or acupuncture or shiatsu etc. Don't know, I do want to but never go round to. And I think the more I never did these things the more scared I get. Sister #5 has invited me for a massage (yet to be done) and I bombed her with questions - do I lie naked or just with undies etc. (yes, I'm very shy of my body).
6. I'm claustrophobic, afraid of heights and many other things. I'm not extreme and can go up lifts, but prefer not to. My rule of thumb is that up to the 3rd floor I use the stairs, above that I may use a lift. Monday is a day where I have to go up a third floor, followed later by a sixth floor with a very small and old lift - not for me! So Monday is my day of exercise :-D.
7. The way I want to raise my child. Don't know how much I will be able to etc, but would love to have a home birth (I don't think I will be able to do that. Kind of frustrating as sister #6 who got the notion from me is and will while I won't) and to home educate, etc.

tagging: MeAndBaby ; Joni ; Leaping Hurdles ; princessoftides ;
Queen Yogi ; Miss X

As always am late (ooo, very very late), so will leave them a note about being tagged later on..

* I do have a phone at home (I'm not that far behind.. in case not clear, talking about when not home)

Scrapbook

Mother came back from England with my logic magazine [as always :-). Sister #1 gets cheese puffs; my dad some ham or bacon or something like that (though not if my mum is doing the travelling, she won't have those unkosher things anywhere near her), and packets & packets of Kit-Kat for all (less nowadays since you can {occasionally..} get Kit-Kat here, and well, since we're not little kids anymore), and I get my logic magazine] and the scrapbook I asked her to get me.
I asked for it in those few days when I thought that yes, I am. I'm not yet doing any buying or anything for baby. Way too early for that. I mean I do have my eyes set on the clothes switching going on between sister#3 (who has a 3.5 year old boy and who gave birth recently to a baby girl) and sister #6 who has a 1.5 little girl and is expecting a son. I really couldn't care the least if the clothes are boys' or girls', just happy to know they exist.. But beyond having my eyes set, well as I said - too early. Anyway when I thought I was I asked my mother to buy me a scrapbook. I don't want the regular baby albums and would rather create my own baby book. Except.. was kind of disappointed with it. The book itself seems to be too big (in fact, it's huge) but not so thick, and the pages don't seem as rough as I remembered, oh and the cover.. (O.K I'm sure sister #5 will be able to take care of that!). But maybe, well, I'm sad to have to put it aside for god knows how long?

IComLeavWe

Oh, so embarassing! I was so looking forward for the IComLeavWe! Leaving 6 comments a day (or at least aspiring to), visiting "new" blogs and all.
If there is an iron commenter for one who leaves comments on all the blogs on the list, there should also be a kaka commenter for someone who leaves none, zero, nil, cipher (thank-you thesaurus) comments.
Yes, it wasn't really out of choice, just a very bad timing. I was out of internet the whole week. Managed to publish last post at my sister #3's house (and was kind of kicked out by her husband [she was away]) and another day managed to sneak a peak at sister #1's computer (with her I dared not go into blogs. More so her 20 yrs old daughter was sitting too close..), but that's all. Later I thought I should have mailed Mel to ask her to take me off the list (but clever me thought of that only after I left).
Think next month I won't go on the list, and just try to participate..

Oh, and while I'm writing..
Last few years I kind of hate Hanukka. Such a kids holiday with all the songs and the lighting of the candles and the food [you know Jewish holidays can be summarized as: we fought; we won; we ATE..]. Such a joyful holiday and such gloomy when it's not your kid lighting the Hanukiya etc. Well this year I participated in two nights of candle lighting (oh, when I am a mother I/we will be lighting candles all eight days!). First was at my sister's (#1, if you must) which was real fun (I don't think I enjoyed Hanukka as much as I did for quite some time.. oh, and just one kiddo [not counting the baby and the two young adults]). Second was with the SMC group, where I was the only one there trying (and was asked again and again which one is mine..) so did have some regrets for coming, but nevertheless did have a great time!
So I am now rethinking Hanukka. It is a great holiday! And I just can't wait (next year, perhaps?) to celebrate it with my own kid!

The Bare Necessities

The Bare Necessities / Phil Harris, Bruce Reitherman

Look for the bare necessites

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

Old Mother Nature's recipes

That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wonder, wherever I roam

I couldn't be fonder of my big home

The bees are buzzin' in the tree

To make some honey just for me

When you look under the rocks and plants

And take a glance at the fancy ants

Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

That's why a bear can rest in ease

With just the bare necessities of life

Now when pick a pawpaw

Or a prickly pear

And you pick a raw paw

Next time beware

Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw

When you pick a pear

Try to use the claw

But you don't need to use the claw

When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw

Have I given you a clue?

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it

Fall apart in my backyard

'Cause let me tell you something little britches

If you act like that bee acts, uh uh

You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around

For something you want that can't be found

When you find out you can live without it

I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

I asked sis to draw me a warm and motherly bear (prefferably broen) with a colourful butterfly on it. Kind of imagined bear to be standing, but oh well (LOL)...

So this is the new me. An image that will be O.K with me both trying and then (hopefully) when a mother.

I will now be going ungoogleable since I would really rather this blog not be found by my family.

P.S

no interne, writing on my brother in laws computer (have very limited time since he soon needs it). and really don't understand why the line spacing goes all funny.

blue 2

Blues.. Naming last post "blue" I really forgot about that other meaning of blue, but now I am definitely blue. There is this post I wrote this morning on the way to the clinic, and there's a TTC update.

Before I go on, I just want to clarify - I am a collector of information and do like to help whenever I can. That has nothing to do with being blue in the forum. It is just that now I have to be more aware of what and how I say.

I'll start with the intended post:
Things between me and my mother are not good right now. They have never been best, but now are bad times. She is a mother, over 45 years ago she decided to marry and start her family, have kids, and that somehow is a job title that never ends. Not that she was the best of mums growing up. Growing up my father was really mean to me, he was a rotten father, so I used to go to her for protection. Going to her, being in her shade, led my father to believe that I was my mother's little girl. So not.
She is a mother by title only. She will do things because as a mother she needs to, but it is so not from the heart [the funny thing is seeing how she helps sister #6 with her daughter, she really goes out of the way to help her, something she didn't do with any previous grandkids].
And now, all the time fighting me. All the time worried about her space, her her her, not about me and how she can be more motherly to me. She portrays me as this evil thing that she has to fight all the time. And the funny thing is that if she would cease to go head to head with me, if she would pick up her head and see me for once, she would see that our goals aren't that different, and that helping me, being a mother to me, would also benefit her.
But she can't see me, she so can't see me. And I try and try and try. Shrink says I keep trying because I haven't yet given up hope. I should, because the pain each time..

As regards TTC - seems I have a cyst, and have to sit out this month. Last thing I want to do. I so can't just sit out and wait and wait and wait. Another wasted month of not doing anything.
Oh, and my diagnosed moved from "single" to "unexplained". Actually last month they wrote unexplained on my chart, but then I thought it was amusing. Now it's errrrrrrrrr.
And dr. said that if this try won't work out, I should proceed to IVF. Kind of knew that since the usual protocol here is doing three medicated cycles before moving on to IVF.

Blue

There is this Israeli SMC forum in which I surf. This forum is quite big and contains all - from those who are thinking of becoming single mothers by choice, to those who are trying, to those who are already mothers.
From this big forum, branched out a smaller forum for those who are not yet there. Personally, if I have a question or want to share something or whatever, I usually prefer doing it in the big forum because the women there are much more knowledgeable, have more experience and there are more people there, but people said that sometimes they felt that the big forum is much more focused on the mothers and they feel out of place (I will admit that lately I breeze through this forum, and skip all the mothers-children stuff, I just look for discussions about inseminations; hormones; etc. [and I am usually a perfectionist who has to read all!]), so this little forum was opened. This, by the way, occurred before my time.
The manager of the forum is one of the managers of the big forum, but she can appoint others to help with management, because obviously she is long beyond it. The people who manage are blue (most others are plain black. There are also people in red which is just to honour, comes with no powers).
Anyway for some time now we didn't really have a manager since both the appointed ones don't surf anymore (one delivered a few weeks ago, the other should any day now, and they really don't have time). It's not such a big deal, but it's nice to have someone who can pin messages or delete or whatever.
More than a month ago they asked who volunteers to take over, I raised my hand but didn't hear anymore from them.
Last week I became blue there, together with this other wonderful person (I am really happy to be managing with her!)

And this was all a background..
I just wanted to write a post about how now I feel I have to be more careful with what I say. It's not that I think that before I was careless or thoughtless or unkind or the sort. But now that I am blue, I know that people (mainly newcomers who don't know me from before) look more at what I say. Now I have a responsibility. It was nice to see though, when I asked for their birthdays (so to be able to congratulate on the day), how they all followed suit - they wrote in the exact same format that I used (I wrote a full date [including the year] plus my nickname [which is slightly different from what is written, long story..]). And yes, I could have done that before, but you know, being blue..
Oh, and it was funny to see what the "top manager" let us do and what she didn't. She shut the option of playing around with the design - we can't change the picture or the colour scheme etc. [not that I was even thinking], but let open the option of turning a surfer red. Just made me laugh..

scattered

First thank you all for your support. This is such an amazing community!

As I already mentioned, when I went to have the blood tests done for the new bank, I was asked if I'm pregnant, started saying that I don't know and had the nurse register it as a "no". Oops, silly me forgot that some tests (like rubella) they only do on pregnant women. Last time the nurse said something about it, so I mentioned that I was trying to conceive. Forgot about it this time. Which means they (probably) didn't test me for rubella, which means I have to go again. Annoying if you think that it's not as if I myself can ask to have a blood test done, but it has to come with a doctor's note, so trust me that if my doctor asked for this test, then it is requested.

I could see the doctor at the clinic only on Wednesday which will probably be first day of stims. Luckily I still have some drugs left (I have no idea, but my guess is that we'll continue with the same protocol).

Tomorrow I hope to buy vials of my new sperm. I have most of the tests they wanted (actually, back then they wanted me to buy, so it should be O.K). Unfortunately I can't find my I.D card (to prove I'm single, but I hope that won't be a problem). I do hope donor is still available. Oh, and they only allow buying two vials at a time..

And love. Last week, when I thought I was carrying my child, I felt love for this thing growing inside me. And it amazed me. I couldn't feel it, see it or anything, just knowing it is there and my heart was already loving it. And I couldn't but think how when I'll see it in the u/s and then (or before? what comes first?) feel it moving/kicking and when it's born etc etc, how this love can only grow and grow.
Thinking about "regular couples", couples who decide it's time to have a baby and just stop taking pills or using condoms or whatever, still in the when it will happen it will happen. They too might have chemical pregnancies, but they wouldn't know about it. For them it's only a period coming late. But then again, they wouldn't have the privilege of loving your child from almost the absolute beginning..