~ HAPPY NEW YEAR ~

(or how we say in Hebrew - good year!)

May a year with all it's curses end,
~ and may a year with it's blessings begin!

May this coming year be a sweet and happy one!
And I hope this is the year in which my baby arrives :-)

And of course a new year is another chance for those resolutions (like a beginning of a week; the start of a new month; ones birthday; the western* new year; you know - those special dates where you say you will, but you never do..). So.....

• First things first, I need to clean and tidy my house, and I really need to get on with it. Because forget the fact that baby can't live here like this (I can always delay working on it until pregnancy..), but I need to to clean and tidy because baby won't come here until I do so! And I am so energyless.. I do hope I find the energy to do so (and I have now three days of nothingness..)
• I really want (not to mention - need) to do some sports. I am so lazy. But the weather now is cool and nice and there are these outdoor fitness facilities (I've never been to a gym and am to scared to even try since I have no idea of how and what in a gym [and I don't just mean instrument wise]), so an outdoor gym should be good. And especially since I do wake up early to take my temperature (and go back to sleep..), I could go before other people (so they won't see how unfit I am).
• Well, this resolution will have to wait a bit.. it's a new year and a new year should be sweet, but I should really go back to eating healthy food. And while I'm at it - I definitely should start again on the folic acid and the prenatal tablets (which I neglected taking in the last two weeks)!
• And if we're on the matter of food - then I really need to pick up the book I bought about healthy nutrition during (mainly, but also before and after) pregnancy. I'm still at the beginning (the before) and withholding carrying on because, well, then I'll definitely have to put the book aside until I do get pregnant.. But I really should take it out of it's misery from sitting on the shelf and just finish the first part..
• And last but not least - need to find a new home, somewhere else for most of the cats here. I just can't carry on with them all.

* the Christian new year? the rest of the world's new year? the Gregorian new year? the non-Jewish new year? [the last one obviously not since there are many religions and many different new years in this world :-)]
In Hebrew it is so easy - we have a word for the Jewish dates and another word to denote Gregorian dates.
Oh, and of course we celebrate both!

P.S
I've written the word "definitely" enough times in my posts, one should think that by now I would be able to spell it correctly! (what would I do without the speller..)

I really don't know where the border lies. When it is right and when it is wrong. Show your cute little baby on the web - fine with me. I'll even commit about how sweet he looks. Have me come over and see baby - great, and I would really love to pick her up. Talk about how he sleeps the whole night/doesn't sleep at all - I'm all ears.
But send me a new year e-mail card with full size pictures of her on every page? That, somehow, was wrong. I zapped through it, closing it as quickly as possible, barley reading the words. Don't know if it's because the crappy mood I am in (another month of not doing anything. sitting and waiting just to proceed. errrrr) or the fact that unlike pictures of babies I usually see on the web which are open to everyone to view, this was sent directly to me, for my eyes only (yes, I know the same card was sent to all friends/family/co-workers, so technically it's not for my eyes only, but still there is a difference). Maybe because pictures I usually see aren't full screen, and this was page after page of full screen baby.
And obviously she didn't mean to hurt or anything. Hey, that's what people do when they have babies - send greeting cards with their little ones for everyone to see how cute they are. Proud parents. One day I will (hopefully) be a proud parent myself, and will want everyone to see what a lovely little child I have and how cute s/he looks on a greeting card. And I really can't tell her it did me no good (I'm not the sharing type), so instead I'm venting here.

An Ode to a Four Legged Friend

Well not really, but ode sounds much better than letter...

Dear Michelle.

I hope I'm not disturbing you now by using my computer. Yes, I know it's where you like to nap and I'm well aware of your love to set me up with challenges (the latest being too difficult for me to solve! had to restart computer. Would you kindly tell me what key/s did you press in order to lock the keyboard?). But you see, I would like to use it now. So here, you go off and play [and run around and climb on me again], go on, go and play [and run around and climb on me again]. Michelle it's not funny, I want to type a letter here [and run around and climb on me again].

Well Michelle, I know that you're trying to teach me a lesson - that when I have a child, I would want to be able to see him and his needs (or her and her needs) and not shove him/her away. So come along and snuggle up my left side, force me to hold you with my right arm (fine with me since that frees my left hand for the mouse on the left), but please let me also type this letter.

And one last thing, dear Michelle. The fridge is not a playground. I know you love the coolness of it, and the nice empty shelf on the bottom must surely be an invitation for a lovely cat like you. But you see, I don't mind you laying there, and I don't mind you smelling my food. I even wouldn't really minded if you would open some cheese or something and had a taste. But I do mind the thought of accidentally closing you in there. So please, next time I open the fridge, please don't go rushing in.

Yours, Billy.

To do justice - she's not my only cat (but she's the one who needs a cuddle while I'm at the computer and who jumps into my fridge [and she's the one comfy at the back in the picture, letting the others have a glimpse at the secrets of the fridge), but besides her and Jupiter [who fitting a king that he is, hardly shows his face here] I do hope to replace the rest

of them. Don't want to be the old woman with the endless cats.

And yes, those are their real names.

made my day :-)

Or rather my evening or rather ended my weekend..

Was buying a present for my friend's new daughter party. I was planning on buying an album of pictures of mothers from around the world, but I met up with her last week (a rare occasion) and she mentioned her need for a car mirror (one that she can put over the baby who is in the back seat and see that everything is O.K). Of course she didn't intend on me buying one, but better buying something that one needs.
Anyway, since I knew exactly what I wanted, I went straight to the shop assistance [in a baby shop chain] to show me what they have. Maybe most people who shop for presents are hesitant, need advice as to what to get, whereas I came in knowing, or I don't know why, but the shop assistance thought it was for me. She thought I was the mother! It's nice when that happens, makes me feel - yes, I do look the part, and therefore I can definitely be one some day!

When my now 13 year old nephew was little, I used to take care of him quite a lot. I was so much with him that we had a special relationship and the boy occasionally called me "mummy", to which I would answer that no, I'm your aunt &*^. And then there was the time when I was with him in the supermarket, and he again referred to me as mummy. I think he was about 2.5 , 3. I was going to correct him as I always did, but then I felt so embarrassed to do so - I'm not a mother, only an aunt who is just babysitting, so I said nothing. And the woman behind smiled (I don't remember what the kid wanted) and it felt so nice. From then on I stopped correcting him in public :-) (unfortunately as he grew older he made those mistakes less and less and also knew to self correct himself :-D)

And if I'm on a smiling tone - then I'll finish with how my day began: been to the hospital to visit my sister (#3) and her new daughter. She's so adorable, sooooo cute! I even got to hold her, and I just couldn't take my eyes off her. Oh, and the other day when meeting with my friend, I got to hold her one month old baby. I love holding babies!!!

At long last I got my period today (not that is was late or anything - a standard 28 day period - but when you're waiting...) and was a bit excited and a bit nervous.

My mum in the last few days is bugging me about when's my next treatment and what is my next step and if I'm to start fertility treatment (no, she doesn't know I'm moving on to hormones..) like my second cousin did. The funny thing is that both this cousin and sister #6 have the same name [and are both pregnant and due at about the same time!], and my mum was asking if I'm to have treatments like "£$%^ had, and I'm thinking - what are you talking about!? "£$%^'s pregnancy was completely unplanned.. [cousin had IVF]

And then I had a look in the calender, trying to figure out what and when this month, and it looks like it's going to be another month of just sitting and waiting. Those High Holidays.. There are cycle days 9-11 in which all will be closed. That's not too bad since I probably can start with the blood tests and the U.S on CD 12 (although - I don't know how it goes when one does hormones. I will be starting with Gonal-F on CD 5 I think for 5 days, so do I start monitoring on CD 10? I guess they'll tell me all that when time comes..). And then there is Yom-Kipur and Succot and the clinic bridging the 4 days between those two festivals, making CD 17-22 unavailable. I believe I ovulate around days 17-18, so no point.. I will call the clinic tomorrow morning, but I doubt if they'll instruct me to go ahead and start with injections.

And I thought I'll be writing a post tomorrow about how lovely that autumn has officially arrived and how indeed the weather is much cooler and much nicer and how great (though also somewhat scary) it will be to be on the track again (I thought I would be geting my period tomorrow).

It's a boy

Found out just now that sister #6 is carrying a boy. Although that was my guess, and although I should probably be happy for them, I suddenly feel really gloomy. I think her pregnancy of all [I am now really surrounded by pregnant women: a good friend who gave birth a month ago; a second cousin who gave birth a couple of weeks ago; 2 sisters who are pregnant (sister#6 and sister #3 who is due this week!); and another good friend and another cousin who are pregnant - a total of 6!] is the most difficult one for me. The same was with her pregnancy with her now one year old daughter - that was a difficult one for me, I think due to her being the young, more so - the youngest sister. As long as my older siblings became parents, it was fine with me, but when she became... that was a whole different story. But on the bright side, her pregnancy did cause me to stop and think, to realize that time isn't standing still, and that I should actively do something if I want to be a mother.
And now the information that it's a boy. I would of-course felt the same if it were a girl. The point is that now the fetus has a gender, it is much more tangible. There is actually a baby growing inside her.
And I feel kind of selfish and mean for not exactly wanting to see her, not feeling like being with her. And I know it hasn't been the easiest for her, that this pregnancy didn't come at the right time. Not something I can say to her or talk to her about, I am not an open person and I feel that such a discussion might open some Pandora box that would better stay closed (don't really know if and what, just a feeling), but at least I can whine here about it..

injections

At my last meeting with my psychologist, when she heard that I am to start injecting hormones, she tried to direct the conversion on worries and fears one might have from injecting oneself. She started saying that since I've never injected myself......... And to my mind came the sad incidence in which I injected a cow. It was while I was in a kibbutz, as part of my army service. I worked in the cow shed and was supposed to learn how to treat cows medically. Except that the one who was supposed to guide me, didn't do so (he was probably fear for his position which was really stupid since I wasn't there to stay!). Anyway, when the boss found out that I wasn't taught anything, he scolded the guy. The next thing the guy handed me a needle and told me to inject a cow. I was barely 20 years old, knew nothing about needles and angles of injection, so I stuck the needle in at 90 degrees. The cow cried, oh did she cry :-(. Next milking I got kicked in the hand by a cow. I truly believe it was her revenging.

Returning to having to inject myself - well no, I am not afraid of that. More so as it is a pen, which surely is easier and much more friendly than inserting a needle. And I know a bit about these injections. Actually even before I even thought I'll be going up a step, I knew - by reading about it on the net (blogs, forums, etc.)and by watching short guide films. Yes, I know it's not the same as doing it yourself, but still there is some background knowledge.

And I have to digress one more time (again to when I was a soldier). We were supposed to get some kind of vaccination, and when Rafi started running away from the medical stuff, I joined him in the game. Yes it was a game for me (for him too!), enjoying the role play. But as the game proceeded, I did start becoming fearful of the needle..

But I am scared of the side effects. I think I'm lately too cranky and nervous towards my mum. So what will I become once I start doing hormones? And how will I go through the two week wait? Towards the end, I usually turn crazy, so now with the extra hormones?? Add to that the fact that I will probably be more certain of success, and what if I fail?

And I am fear of the lack of knowledge I have as to what I am supposed to expect (i.e follicles - how many, how large etc). I tried searching information, but didn't really find anything. I guess because it's individual. I know I am just beginning with hormones and that the doctor prescribed me with a low dose, so maybe I shouldn't expect anything? (sorry, can't do that..).

And I fear of the nurse seeing my belly when guiding me how to inject. I am very much ashamed of my big fat belly, don't really want foreign eyes looking at it. Feels like a girl has no more privacy. First my private lower parts are exposed and exposed and exposed. Now my belly. Next my boobs (oh, that is another reason to fear birth, at least the way I want it - natural. I know that with all the pain going on, the last thing you think of is who sees what, but from here that's kind of scary..).

Good News..

Been just now to the doctor, and it seems it's not as bad as I thought.

Hearing there's a blockage and reading the report at home (on the web) which stated how he tried to open it but didn't succeed, and reading about a suspicion for a defect in the filling of the right horn (which I have absolutely no idea what it means, except that suspicion sounds baaaaaaaaaaaddddddddd) and him asking more than once weather I had an operation there [me??? operation??? I was hospitalized twice in my life - once when I was born, the other after a car accident. Basically I'm very healthy and never had an operation in my life, there or any where else in my body [that is, unless I might have been abducted by aliens who preformed surgery on me :-D)] so for him to ask me twice about an operation... definitely something must be wrong with me.

So I went today to the doctor, expecting him to explain to me how I should undergo a procedure of opening the blocked tube and how IVF might be around the corner. At least I expected him to tell me how I should start taking hormones.
After staring for what seemed like ages at the pictures, while whistling Dr. Zhivago (to whistle Doctor Zhivago??? that's so much my dad - whistling + his favourite tune..) he finally said that it is inconclusive. When I mentioned how my original plan was to go natural on my first six attempts, he said that was fine. Paradoxly I was the one who "pushed" moving on to hormones (not that he was against or anything. Before that when I wondered about not trying to open the tube, he mentioned how today hormonal treatment gets good results, and it's not necessary to go under the knife).
So I'm to start with hormones. The bad news is that this month is a gonner and maybe also next month (depending on if and how the High Holidays and my cycle collide). The good news within is that I have now a month of rest and peace, no TWW for me for a while, and I can finally let the hairs on my legs grow so I'll be able to have a proper wax job done and not having to quickly shave them each time. Oh, and might be a good time to get serious on the loosing weight/doing some sports front!

HSG

Yes it is painful, although not in the way I expected. I was very fear of the device used to catch/hold or whatever the cervix. Someone recommended I should ask for a balloon, someone else said that a balloon blocks the "view" of the uterus. I have no idea what method he used, but that wasn't really what hurt. Well, truth be said, the insertion of the speculum did hurt a bit (I think that like I'm not as embarrassed as I used to be about showing my private parts, I'll probably think nothing of the speculum by the time I have a baby..) and I was quite relieved when he told me to put my feet down (i.e - to lay them flat).
Little did I know that that was the easy part.. It wasn't a short and sharp pain (I think that was what I expected), but rather a long and never ending one. Funny, but it felt like I really really had to go to the loo for (and sorry for the specifics) a very very soft number 2. All I could think of during the test was how I just had to go right now, couldn't wait any longer, that if he doesn't stop right away, I'll go all over him. First thing I did once the test was over and I was free again, was rush to the toilet, only to realize that I don't really need to go..
It seems my left fallopian tube is blocked. Twice he asked me if I had some kind of surgery there :-( (no). He tried and tried but couldn't so he asked me if I wanted him to try and open the blockage. Lying there, still breathing deeply, I had those two voices inside me - "tell him no! that you'll come again some other time and do it." versus "you're here now, come on and finish with it" and so on. The winner argument was the fact that it was my left tube which was blocked. If it would have been my right one, I might have told him no thank you, but as I usually ovulate on my left side, I kind of realized I had to stay.. Well, he said it might be painful and that if at any time I feel I can't bear it, I'll tell him and he'll stop. I have no idea what he did, but that (as far as my memory goes) wasn't too bad. The real pain began again when he injected the iodine :-(. And the real sad thing is that it seems that he didn't manage to open the left tube (something about the iodine from the right tube interfering). Anyway, I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to see how I continue from here.

And a little disappointment for me - I think the body is a wonderful thing and loved the thought of seeing my very own uterus. Someone mentioned how she looked at her uterus while the doctor preformed the procedure and I was thrilled to think how I too will see my not usually seen parts. While lying down, I was happy to see a screen in front of me. Unfortunately once they started, the x-ray came in between my eyes and the screen and I couldn't see anything. I was hoping that at home with the results that come through the Internet, that they'll also post some photos, but nothing. I think there is a disc I should have collected at the end of the procedure, I'll try getting hold of it when I go and see the doctor (it is in a building right next to my fertility clinic..) and I do hope it contains some pics..

P.S
Two insights from today:

1. Walking around with a pad is not all that terrible. I prefer pads over tampons, because I think it is important to let the blood flow out, and when I'm home and at nights I use a pad, but somehow it doesn't feel right when I'm out. So now I know it's O.K :-D
2. Being under pain is not the time for decision making, so I should definitely make sure that when I go into labour, that there will be someone with me who is loyal to my way of thinking and believes regarding birth since obviously I won't know right from left.

Been humming this song today, well more specifically these two lines [הו מתוקה שלי, פישלת בגדול - my dear sweet heart, you screwed up big time; אני רוצה לסלוח אבל לא יכול - I want to forgive but cannot]. Same lines I hummed when I last my virginity :-(. I know that a blocked tube is not the end of the world, and I understand that either one can try and open it or go onto the IVF route (which was basically "invented" for such cases), but right now I feel crap with my own body, like I let myself down.