cats and mums

Too many cats live here. Most of them (well, actually all of them..) are street cats. I used to have a dog and a cat. In those days it was only one dog and one cat, quite nice. But then my dog died and cats came, and came, and came. She was a very kind and gentle dog, would never have harmed a cat, but still her presence probably distanced stray cats from here. After she died, cats started coming, and it was fine with me.
But I think in the last year things began to get out of hand. Too many cats, and since I haven't neutered them, they breed and breed. Besides Jupiter (my "original" cat) there are two sisters who live here with their kittens and two more of their half sisters (all four have the same mother, but were born on a different litter) come here for food. And these kittens are the ones who made it to adulthood. There were also enough of those who didn't survive. Kittens who wouldn't eat and I fed (or at least tried to feed) them by hand (and going down the aisle in the shop, looking for baby formula - that was one strange experience!), and I had enough sad stories, but I really can't afford to neuter them all.
And now I'm just after another sad story. Don't really know how it ended, want to believe that this one did have a happy ending. One of the cats who just comes here to eat gave birth here. But I only noticed the little kitten after I kicked the adult cats out in order to eat. He was still tied to the placenta, which one of the other older kittens was trying to eat, dragging new born kitten with him. I immediately cut the cord and went to search for the mother. And I don't know if it was my doing or if regardless there was something wrong (hey, when I made her go out, she didn't show any special resistance), but I couldn't get her to take her kitten. I could do nothing for this kitten except keep it warm, not even feed it since it was a holiday and everything was closed for two whole days. And even if I could, I really couldn't get into another story where I try and try and kitten doesn't survive. I really had too many heartbreaks of that sort. So eventually I wrapped it in an old warm shirt of mine and put him outside. Hopefully the mother will deal with it, if not then at least I won't see it suffering.
The next day the kitten was gone, and two more kittens were born in my place. She (the mother) since removed the kittens to a different place. I know where it is and I can see her, but I can't get to it and it's impossible for me to see if and how many kittens there are there, so as I said - I don't know how it ended but can hope it was a good ending.

And why am I telling all this? I really don't want to turn this blog into cats stories. This blog is about my journey to become a mother, and that's how I want to keep it. But there is a connection. See, ever since I neutered my dog about 15 years ago, ever since I denied her the right to bring offspring into the world, I felt that I was denied that right too. I know it's stupid and has no logic, but until she died, I just knew I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. And I really can't afford to neuter all the cats here, and for the most of them I do hope in the near future to find another home for them. But Michelle is a cat I want to keep, and she is now 6 months, and I can feel she is about to get on heat, and the last thing I want is for her to have kittens now. But then I don't want to doom myself for another 20 years of childlessness (which is really dooming myself to never having a child). As I said, I know it's silly. I probably need someone from the outside to tell me so I can call the vet on Sunday for an appointment.