Saturday, 7 November 2009

Fears

Fears. This weekend two fears became strong. Neither of them is new, but while up till not so long ago I was focusing on trying to become pregnant (and then a few weeks for it to seep in. to tell the truth, I still find it hard to believe..) and could put them in the back of my mind as something to deal with later, I am now "free" to face them. The birth and becoming a mother.

Friday, long last sister #6 brought the pregnancy books I asked for. Well actually it was mainly one book, some interesting leaflets about breastfeeding and other stuff and a book or two about child raising. Funny thing actually as this book about pregnancy is a book I once gave her (and completely forgot about), a book which I found one day thrown in the street.. Anyway this book.. flicking through it, I come to the chapter about child delivery. Now I think I do know quite a bit about it (read birth stories on blogs, watched those hospital realities in the delivery room, heard birth stories from women around me, etc). Yes, I'm sure I have plenty to learn, now that it's real, and my knowledge is still a third person's impression, but my point is that it's not that glancing at that chapter made me realise giving birth is no picnic, and the birth was always something that kind of scared me. But now it's feeling like I do not have a choice - I have this child growing in me, and whether I like it or not, this child will need to come out :-). Paradox probably as my dream delivery is a natural one, without an epidural and all, and definitely not a c-section. I want to have that kind of birth (and should start reading the book - active birth, the bible, as I understand, for natural births..), and I fear it (actually I fear an epidural birth more..).

Becoming a mother. Being a mother. Gosh, I feel so not ready for this, but like I will never be. I know I have nine moths to get ready and all (shhh... please don't tell me less two months (-; ), but how does one make that switch? How does one turn into a parent? I want to be a mother more than anything, but oh my, it is a scary transition. Hearing sisters #3 & #6 talking about their little ones, I just felt so not ready for this. Not that it would make a difference if I got pregnant in 6 months time, a year, 6 years, or whenever. As I said, feels like I will never be ready to become a mother.


P.S
First storm and I'm out of Internet for a week.. Actually, I now know it was an easy fix, but I waited a week for my brother in law. Anyway, I am so behind on my blog reading. I will catch up, but it will probably take me some time :-).

6 comments:

battynurse said...

I think that whole birth thing is always a bit abstract until you are actually pregnant. Then it quits being an option. The kiddo has to come out somehow. The idea already scares me though. As far as nervous and scared about being a mom? I think every woman goes through that whether they want to admit it or not. It's the most important job you'll ever do without much orientation on how to do the job.

meandbaby said...

The weird thing for me is I was afraid of those very things you are for years and now that I am pg, the fear has subsided. It's like now I have to do it. And that means I will do it. And you will too. :)

Miss X said...

What first time mom isn't scared of the birth? Seems normal to me. Just remember, millions of women have done this before you. And you get a baby out of it! =)

Demeter said...

You will find the way to do it, because as incredible as it sounds, all of us feel panic of birth - always seemed to me to be the piece I did not want out of motherhood- but I had a great OB and the birth was not painful at all, just the recovery, but it is all worth it when you can hold your baby in your arms in the end. It is a wonderful time in your life. Enjoy it. It goes fast.

Jo said...

I can totally relate! I had hardly even considered childbirth itself until I got prego...it still seems somewhat abstract. I'm trying to visualize it as a gift--something wonderful rather than scary. And motherhood? We'd be crazy if we weren't a bit scared! Right? But it's going to be awesome!!

Tanya said...

I admit giving birth wasn't the best experience of my life. Frankly, it HURTS.

But you know... it didn't stop me from wanting another baby.

... and the epidural is my friend.