Sunday, 13 December 2009

Bonding? When?

I am not really feeling anything towards my little Birdy. I am singing, but not feeling like I'm singing to her, more just enjoying myself singing. And talking to her and thinking of her, but again, doesn't so much feel like it's to her, more like to the air.
And the pics of her. I heard that one big side benefit of the u/s scans is the early bonding that occures. I look at these pictures, the one of her feet and, cute and all, I still don't feel much towards her. Maybe beacause I find it hard to believe that those little feet are really inside me, and maybe sight is not enough and I need to smell and touch them (and taste? I bet they are yummy :-)).
So I am waiting to feel something towards her, waiting for this love to come and wash me away. O.K, not wash me away, but something, some kind of positive feeling to this thing growing in me whom I named (for the time being of-course..) Birdy, something beyond being happy (and completly disbelieving) I am pregnant. It kind of surprises me, this luck of feeling to her, and then again it doesn't. The first time I got a positive, I was amazed how I already felt love for what was far from being anything recognizable. Now maybe if it were a valid pregnancy, this love would have faded until it grew back again, I don't know, I just want to feel that again.
Maybe when I start feeling her, to actually feel she is in me, maybe, hopefully, then something will start? Ah... at least two more weeks and counting..

8 comments:

rachelbk said...

I felt that way with Ceara, kind of disconnected, like it wasn't really happening to me. I was pretty young, and really had no clue about anything. It wasn't until I could feel her moving around that it started to hit me that I was having a baby.

Then I had 3 miscarriages before getting pregnant with Farty, so I was kind of afraid to get too attached until I passed the point of the furthest m/c. I was also 10 years older and at a totally differnt place in my life.

I think the experience is different for every mom and with every baby. Maybe you'll have a suddeen rush of emotion, maybe it will be a more slow building thing. Either way, I have no doubt you will love Birdy with every fiber of your being. When the time is right for you.

Jess said...

I'm feeling the disconnect as well even though I feel her move a lot and its freaking me out that I haven't really bonded with this little one yet. Maybe when you start feeling your little girl move you'll start bonding with her. If not it will likely change once you give birth to her and see her for the first time.

Demeter said...

Well said, it is hard to tell what makes us bond with our pregnancies or even with our children, but when it happens (and I am sure it will happen to you too) it is so strong that you forget you did not bond with them. I did not bond with my young son on my pregnancy, I was so busy with my daughter, I did not have time to enjoy my second pregnancy, but when he was born, I fell in love with my little guy. So wait, it will happen to you. It is undeniable love will spark, and you won't look back!

Genkicat said...

Don't worry, it WILL happen. I've heard many women say that they didn't bond with their baby until he/she was born. More than normal I think. I was so sick the first two trimesters, that I don't think I really bonded with the baby either. I was thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to be pregnant, but with my head in the toilet most days I just tried to get through. Now I'm starting to bond with the baby, and feeling more connected. But I'm just getting going on that front. You will too!

V said...

I was so scared throughout the pregnancy I don't think I let myself bond with the baby. It wasn't until she was home for a few weeks that think I really bonded with her, and it just grows every day. It's okay, everyone is different.

DRMOMOFTWO said...

I agree. Don't worry about the disconnect. It really is hard, especially with the first one. It's SO cool to watch the growing process. When you hold that little girl in your arms for the first time, believe me, there will be a HUGE connection!

Miss X said...

I think this will all change when you start feeling her move!

And, if not, don't worry about it. I have a friend who didn't really bond with her firstborn for the first several weeks of his life.

Lavender Luz said...

My experience was very different, but I, too, had difficulty loving in the abstract.

But never in the concrete.