different

I am very much aware that I am not the average person, far from it, and I have never been such and never will be. Sometimes I enjoy my differentiality, and sometimes it bothers me, why can't I just be like everyone else. One of the side "benefits" of becoming a mother (and s-o not the reason to, it would completely not be me if that would be the reason) is the feeling that here I am finally doing something like everyone else, I am finally normal.
Like going into all the delivery issues at such an early stage (and then reading other bloggers whose pregnancies are very much more advanced than me, doing that stuff now). And will add that I'm meeting a possible Douala on Monday, when I spoke to her on the phone she was - oh, you have plenty of time.... Yes, most people would probably start searching for a doula at a later stage, but I would rather know now :-). And the want to not have an epidural birth (and please please please - not a cesarean). I believe the majority of women want a painless birth , just give me the baby at the end of it, and I so want the experience, to be there and do it.

And usual for this unbelonging feeling, sometimes it still feels strange. Especially when being in a group of people who are so-called like me. I mean how can I be different when I am with these people who "by definition" are different??
Point be that today I had a day out with my SMC group. It was mostly lovely (although being such a social inept, it was also somewhat awkward), but then.. Started on the way there with this woman I took a ride with and her talking about how important it is to give birth in a hospital, just in case something goes wrong. I, on the other hand, am all for home birth's and really don't think births need or should take place in a hospital (assuming of course all is well with the pregnancy and all), and if I could I would have such a birth (but I can't). I tried saying something, but she went on and on, so I stopped myself - do I really need everyone to see how different I am!? And then at the picnic, looking at all the babies, all of them in disposable diapers (I am planning on using cloth diapers, and would love to try elimination communication [being without a diaper]), and these babies were put on blankets on the grass, and sometimes they got to the edge and put leaves/small branches/grass/etc into their mouths and their mothers' were quick to jump in and say "no" (I not only won't mind, but I think it's lovely how babies are interested in the real world and not really too keen on those plastic artificial toys we give them. And I think it's a great learning experience for them, as the mouth at these ages is the major way for them to sense the world). Though I did express here my views [sorry, couldn't help it..], the point was not to say this way is good or right and that is not, just that again there was this feeling of being different, of the stream going one way an I the other, a feeling that was somewhat intensified by being amongst a group of women who are definitely not the norm.



And then on the other hand.. while writing this post I stopped by a pregnancy board [want to add a "regular" board (meaning not women after treatment) where women are mostly young and.. and I do not have the highest opinion on them..]. Anyway there was a discussion there that started with a question about kissing your baby's private parts. It was more the reactions then the point of view, stating how it's appalling and disgusting and such. Now while I have to agree that it does not sound right to me, mainly because I am thinking of the mother kissing baby only down there, it could be the mother was covering baby all over with kissed and just didn't stop there. Still, it is probably much more of a clear cut and I assume we all agree that basically that's wrong, but the discussion continued to nudity, as in having your new born baby put on you while you're both not wearing anything and to kisses on the lips between parents and their little ones. Most comments were how awful and disgusting all the above [shall I add that I completely don't think so :-) that I see the human body, the bare human body, as such a wonderful thing and that nothing could be purer than mother and baby bonding....], and I think it was less the being for or against (though it probably "helped".. ) and more the language that was used. Talking about awful and appalling and disgusting and shocking. Language that clearly showed how they do not step out of their small box in which they lived. The exact same type of response I saw the other day when reading an old discussion about raising diaper free kids [do I have to add a "regular" baby-parent board, as in not on a natural parenthood board. I went there because someone referred to it] - appalling and disgusting and how awful are those parents (because their babies are obviously in poop all day, etc). Anyway, here I felt kind of good feeling different, to be thinking for myself and not being part of this herd (a herd who says about anything they don't know - disgusting; appalling; revolting; etc). And yes, it is easy to distinguish yourself from the herd when you come in advance with opposing views, and many times I am part of the herb that just says nay to something they never heard of, but today, after the uneasiness feeling that came with feeling different at the SMC meeting, it was nice ending it with feeling somewhat good about being different..