I was going to (=it was brewing in my head..) write this post about trust. About how my mother doesn't trust me and how I don't want this to be so with my daughter. O.K, I'll correct it, my mother doesn't trust other people, it's not me in particular, but when it is a mother who doesn't trust her own daughter... And I know that I have it in me to be like her, that sometimes I am like her finding it hard to let go. I just hope that I will be able to let go and trust my own daughter and even if (WHEN) she does the wrong thing and makes her mistakes, not hold it against her as proof of not being trust worthy.
And then earlier tonight I had a talk with my sister (#1). I am not in particular close to her, but I always claimed that she is much more a mother to me. She is the one I would turn to if I needed a shoulder and she is the one I want in the delivery room.
I told her about how when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, and asked my mother how children are born [yes, I remember asking my mother that question. I remember exactly where I was in the garden, and I remember her reaction to the question, like she was waiting for it to come, her fourth child and she knew it should be coming. Of course this I can tell you as an adult, but that feeling of 'she finally asked' was there when I was a child], anyway my mother told me to ask sister #1 to show me a book about it and if I had questions to ask her (=my sister!).
And suddenly it came to me. If my mother sent me to my older sister to do some parenting job (my sister, by the way was about 12 or 13..), no wonder why today I see her more as a mother than my mother. [There was also mother being hospitalized a few years later and sister taking more actively the role of a mother. I remember being cross with her and telling her you are not my mother to tell me to do so and so, but you know, she was a kid herself, and not easy to become the mother of 5..].
I mean there are probably plenty of factors why I see my sister more as a mum than my mother, but suddenly it came to me how active (obviously not intending to be, but still) my mother was in creating it. She sent me to my sister instead of sitting with me and talking to me.
And this brings me back to my daughter. Well at least I can say thank God I probably won't have a second daughter 7 years later to send to the older one... I just hope I can be there for her, trust her and all.
[shall I talk about how scared I am of the day after birth, of the first day of motherhood?? of how I don't want this pregnancy to end because besides enjoying it, it will mean actually being a mother?]