Friday, 9 April 2010

Bonding

A dream:
Last minute, according to test results, it is decided that I need a surrogate, and sis #1 is willing to do the deed. Later on we both realize that it might have be too hasty a decision and that we didn't give it enough thought.
Anyway she didn't want to give me the child right away at birth, so I waited. Suddenly it was already two months after and I still haven't picked up my daughter. Sister says that if I feel any regrets, if I do not want my daughter, then she will be more then happy to have her. Obviously it was difficult for her to "give up" her/my daughter. I think it was here where she showed me the first hour glass, hinting how time has passed. I think we had some kind of event (not related), so I tell her I'll just have a shower and then I'll take her (because I want to be nice and clean for this special event of holding her for the first time), and of course I would want to take her, she is my daughter and I've worked hard to get her! But inside wasn't feeling this gushy motherly feeling. So I have this shower (which my father had just torn down the old one and rebuilt on the opposite side of the corridor and what did he do with the shampoo and conditioner??) and towards the end of the shower again sister shows up with this hour glass, indicating that it is taking me too long.
So I get out of the shower and tell her that she can put my daughter down and that I'll keep an eye on her while I'm getting dressed. I think she had this funny look saying don't you want to pick up your daughter? And I think I was feeling this strange thing towards this little baby girl, definitely not a feeling of bonding. Anyway as I get dressed (outside where family members where gathering [oh, in the shower scene there were also these three guys, but it really was not about my nudity as it is not here]) (in an orange T-shirt and trousers. The T-shirt is one I actually have :-)) my daughter is down there crawling around the other kids. At one point I can't find her and I begin to worry, but then it seemed that in a split second that I was not looking she crawled behind someone and all was well. I think at this point I realised that she is only two months old and definitely shouldn't be crawling, lol. But you know, I was in no hurry to pick her up, didn't feel like she's mine. I think my sister again mentioned that if I don't want then she'll be more than happy to have her.
And of course I haven't forgotten my blog.. not sure when, but somewhere towards the end I was thinking of this title I'll put in my blog announcing her. "Good Morning Sunshine" (from the musical Hair) was the one chosen :-) [yes, it should be Starshine, but you know...]

Overall there was this strong feeling of not feeling any bond to this little girl. However she came to the world, she is my daughter and I should have some feelings towards her but I don't.
I would like to add that while at the beginning of my pregnancy I feared I'm not feeling much towards my little girly, this is not the case now. I talk to her a lot, sing to her, pat and play with her on my belly. And I love love love watching (and feeling) her move around (dancing :-) ). But maybe I am fearing what happens after birth. I am so enjoying the now, don't really want her to be born. And I think as of late I am starting to fear something going wrong and having to deliver earlier than what should (probably reading too much "wrong" questions/answers on this pregnancy board). And I wonder if deciding that next week I'll go to tour the hospital I want to deliver at (and last night, writing the details of where and when this tour takes place and the questions I'd like to ask) had something to do with the dream..

6 comments:

The Turning Of Paige said...

Crazy dream! I think it's because you're getting closer to giving birth. Your subconcious is getting you ready.

Me Plus One said...

It sounds as though you have very vivid dreams, like me...when they seem so real, it's hard to put aside the feelings you felt in the dream...

MommieV said...

I had a dream when I was pregnant that there were a group of children playing and I couldn't figure out which one was my daughter. Finally I figured it out, but I didn't really feel anything toward her.

I worried about it for weeks.

Then she came and it was nothing like that!

S.I.F. said...

That is a seriously nutty dreams - I've heard pregnancy causes those, right?!?

I think all of your fears are totally normal, but it is all going to be OK. Everything will be OK!

DRMOMOFTWO said...

Yes, very crazy dream! It's weird how we worry that we won't bond with our baby, then when the baby comes, we can't leave it alone! It's kind of weird for the first ten minutes or so because you can't believe it's yours. You will love every second of being a mother! Let's hope the crazy dreams stop soon!

Demeter said...

I too, had weird dreams before having my children, vivid dreams that I remembered more so then than now. Enjoy patting your belly and feeling your baby move, because those moments are memorable!