Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Time

Last post I declared how not ready I am. And I'm not and don't feel I'll ever be. Wrote how I'd love to go back in time, so I'll have "more" time to prepare.

But I am also starting to feel enough! I think the 8.5 month point was my turning point. I really enjoyed that second trimester, knowing you are in the safe zone (past that scary first trimester) and not being too big, and most of all, feeling your little one kicking and moving... And it's not that I don't enjoy her moving, though...

O.K, truth be told she doesn't really punch me in the bladder. But walking, oh walking is such a joy. Not. Her head is probably down there (or so I hope, I mean I hope she's in a head down position. She was at 30 weeks, I assume she still is) and walking so makes me need to pee. And if I'm in a hurry and try to walk fast, I don't know if that's Braxton Hicks or not, but my belly becomes hardened and very not pleasant if not somewhat painful.
And this big belly of mine. Up till now I had a very small one, and it is probably still smallish compared to others. But it is now growing and growing and growing.. Shall I tell you how up till 8.5 months all I gained was 2 kilos [I think that's about 4 pounds] ? Yes, just two kilos (and I was not trying not to gain weight. That would be silly while pregnant). And now in the last two weeks... another two kilos! Maybe my body (well belly..) is now "catching up", but it is not nice! Not nice to be unable to lean forward to reach things over the counter, not nice to be unable to fold your too long trousers [and thank god it's summer and I wear sandals and not shoes. Don't know how I'd tie the laces..]; not nice when you have no idea where you should be aiming at at the pee stick (well the cup which the stick will be dipped into) the nurse gives you at your check up.
And my morning sickness pill. I mean I can't be sure it's the pill (the one to balance my thyroid), but I think it began when I started taking it. I was lucky not to have nausea in the first trimester, and it probably isn't that bad. But until I can eat I really don't feel well (have to take it half an hour before breakfast. and not that then I feel much better, but still).
And just feeling more and more yucky. There's this pupil I go to who lives on the sixth floor. I have my fourth floor rule - up to the third floor I can climb by foot, beyond that I may use the lift (started as I'm claustrophobic and quite scared of lifts..). Anyway the lift in her building really scares me, so I don't use it. That is until yesterday. I was all the time saying - when I reach the second trimester I'll start using the lift; when I reach the third; when my belly will pop; when it will be noticeable; etc, but always said to myself - I can do it. Even if I was walking up slowly, stopping at every floor. But yesterday, that was it, I used the lift to go up.
And I'm really starting to want her out!! I do not want her before her time, before she is ready to come out, and technically would like it to be two weeks after my due date*, but boy do I want time to fly. And I'm also starting to really want to meet her, to see her, to be her mother. Up till now I was so enjoying myself that I wanted this pregnancy to last. Now kind of want it to end (but I also don't,because who knows if I'll ever experience it again..). I think this is nature's smart way of preparing me to the next step, of making me let go of this pregnancy and moving on to the next phase :-).



And I'm really sorry for this rant. Seems so unfair when there are those of you so eager to be where I am, so wanting this. And truth, I don't know what's worse - me going on about how wonderful I feel, or ranting. I just really hope you all will be here very soon.




* name wise and because I don't want her birthday to be too near mine. My mum has hers 5 days after mine and I didn't really like that growing up..

4 comments:

The Turning Of Paige said...

Billy, You WILL be ready, you ARE ready! You will soon hold your lovely daughter in your arms and be so happy. I can't wait to hear about it.

FruitFish said...

I think we all deserve the opportunity to rant and rave every once in a while! I think it's also important to be aware of those who we decide to share with. And I think you've done wonderful with both! It's nice to know what I've got to look forward to when I get to where you are.
It's so nice to know that you are getting so close and now you can't wait to hold her close to you! Here's hoping the next few weeks go by fast (but not too fast, so you can get things done ;) )

MommieV said...

I spent weeks 34-37 on bed rest in the hospital, so that started to tip my mood from loving those last weeks of (possibly my only) pregnancy to "I want her HERE!". I loved being pregnant and feeling her move, but I started wanting more and more to meet her, and to get the mothering started. I also didn't gain much weight until those last few weeks.

Oh, and my wee one flipped around. They thought she was head down, but then the day they were to induce me, she was head up. They scheduled a C-section, only for her to be head-down when they cut me open to take her. Hopefully your girly will stay in one spot!

There will always be those who want to be where we are, and there are those who are where we want to be. Giving an accurate picture of what this life is like will help those who are wanting and trying to have a realistic idea. It's full of days of ranting, and days of appreciating, and sometimes days of both. All we can do is to speak our truth, and to do otherwise would be to betray the life we have been given.

I think its awesome that you are sensitive to it, and that you express that.

Me Plus One said...

I'm sorry you're so uncomfortable but I have to admit, I love hearing about it to get an idea of what to expect someday...I bet you'll forget all about this discomfort once you're holding your girl in your arms!