sleep and milk

On the other side of what I wrote yesterday, as much as exhausted as I am, I do see improvement. There were days, not so long ago, when the mornings were terrible as I was sooo tired, and please girl take a nap, and then the late evenings were a nightmare as I just couldn't put her to sleep. Yes, there was a food issue which must have made things worse, and at the end of a long day I was completly cranky and nervous which obviously didn't help. Besides improvment on the food issue (i.e, she gets a bottle), I decided I would keep my calm, evan if inside I'm on fire. And amzingly that first night I tried it, it worked! More so, now that I know she won't fall asleep until about midnight, it is so much easier. Since I know, there is no point of trying and trying and trying and being frustrated it's not working. So I'll try - great if she falls asleep, kind of o.k if she doesn't.

And then there is co-sleeping. Since I came back from the hospital and until a few days ago, I've been "spending my time" at my mother's [which also means I am with no speller here, so again - sorry for all those spelling mistakes..], including sleeping the nights (we are neighbours). As much as I want to co-sleep, I can't at my mother's. A few nights ago I decided that at least the nights I should spend at my place (not so much the days as it is very hot here and I do not have an air-conditioner. but the nights, with a fan, are o.k, plus I do want to co-sleep..) So a few nights ago I started with us sleeping in the same bed but as I was/am scared to roll over her, not too close. But that doesn't really feel like co-sleeping. I mean they talk about collecting your hair in a band (if you have long hair) and how it helps regulate baby's breathing when they occasionally forget to breath or something, but I was too far for my hair to bother her or for my breathing to have any influence, etc. I think that what most bothered me, is that I doubt if she knew I was there, by her side (her head was facing away from me). I do want her to know that I'm there, that she is not alone in the world.. So last night we slept closer, much closer. It started with her having these "funny" but very scary breathings (I just moved her to bed and haven't yet went to sleep myself). So I lay by her side and breathed, just regular breaths, and I was amazed at how quickly she came back to normal. And then we spent I think most of the night in the Mummy-Tummy-Time position (as opposed to just tummy-time. If you know my name, pan intended..) in which I lay on my back, and she's on her tummy on me [I so love it!]. But then I'm scared of turning and squasing her or something. So how close/far should co-sleeping be? Too far, I think loses the benifits, too near and could it be dangerous?
Question for those who co-sleep or who intend to - how do you do it? How near/far from baby do you sleep?


And I'll end with two breastfeeding moments:
This morning in bed there was a point where we were lying facing each other (on our sides) and she sniffed at my breasts (when she's near my breasts [and not being fed] she goes sniffing like a little puppy..). What more could be than to lift my nightie and to serve her breakfast. More than anything I would have loved to do so, but I knew I shouldn't. I should not give her my empty breasts when she is hungry, it does not do either of us any good. So I went and prepared her a bottle while feeling such a pinch in my heart (and yes, after she had some food and was no more in the hungry zone I offered her my breasts).
And then later in the day, she was hungry and I was going to make her a bottle. Problem was, the boiled water hasn't cooled down enough, so as she really needed her food (please people, it was one hour since she finished her previous meal. am I being cynical!? but she was crying very loudly for her food..) I decided to try and offer my milk. As I mentioned earlier, I know I shouldn't when she is hungry, but it seemed like an emergancy, so I tried. And she just screamed and wouldn't have any of it. And all I could feel was how less of a woman I am. Now I know in my mind that not. I know there are great women out there who do not breast feed their kids either because they can't or don't want to [but truth, can't understand not wanting to in the claim that the breasts are a sex organ as one of the women in the pregnancy board kept saying..], and I know kids, whether breast fed or not, grow to be wonderful people [I have an almost two year-old niece living next door, who has never sucked from her mother's breasts, and she such an amazing child..]. I know it does not make me any less of a woman or a person, but that is how I feel, I can not provide my kid with this basic thing most any woman can. Please don't tell me otherwise, because as I said I do know and please, no breastfeeding advice (I am working on it, haven't yet given up).

P.S
She is now napping very beautifully for over an hour. Plus she refused my breasts (see above incident where water too hot, oh eventually I cooled it down [by pouring from cup to cup..] enough for her to drink her milk. she still refused my milk). Me thinking she takes her naps on my breasts so doens't need nap time (as in - in bed, letting mummy some time for herself..). urg!