before & after

Well first, I have a ROLLER! (o.k "half" a roller as only from tummy to back..). Three! weeks ago she accidently rolled for the first time and I was so happy [first step in gaining physical independence!], but since then - nothing. And then today, she rolled and rolled and rolled, and more importantly, she got it! no accidentaly rolling :-)).




She is three months old, i.e I am three months now in the role of a mother. Three months, only three months. Not a huge amount of time. And yet if you ask me, it seems like forever, like I am her mother now for two million and three years. And if you ask me about my life prior to having her, I honestly can't remember, it just seems so vague, to far away in the past.
Yes, becoming a mother is a h-u-g-e change in one's life, add to it not being an easy job, espcially not when done alone (and I have a lot of help from family, especially my mother, but it is not the same as parenting together with someone else). It just seems strange how such a short period has stretched out so much.

A friend who saw me the other day for the first time since G [I really need a nick for her. I think for now I'll call her Rolly Polly] came into my life, said I looked much happier, that when she saw me pregnant I seemed to her as usual but now I'm radiant. My first thought was what are you talking about!? It is hard work, hardly no minute to rest, it can't be I look happier. But you know what, yes, with all the difficulties [how frustrating can it be to get her to sleep..] I am a happier person. I wanted her ever so much and I craved for her and longed for her, but I also could not have imagined her. She is completly unlike what I thought my child would be, for good and for bad. It is weird that once I had no notion of who or what Rolly Polly is, I mean even when I was pregnant.

And just something I want to write about before I forget it.
All through pregnancy, I had this strong feeling like this little girl that's growing in me is not a new soul, but rather a very very old soul [I do believe that before birth my soul and her soul "agreed" that we'll be mother and daughter, same as any connection between two people is/was determined]. This feeling stayed with me through the first weeks of her life, slowly fading. I do believe that she came into the world as a wise old soul, with knowledge that exceeds our knowledge, but in this helpless little body. Maybe as a means of protecting the inocent little body from the cruelty of life as a new baby. As time goes by, this soul slowly retreats, letting the new body live it's life. At about six weeks I felt this soul [well not sure if soul is the right word] has gone, leaving my baby a clean slate, ready to begin her life on planet Earth as a human baby.