On the other hand...

[first thank you so much for what you said :-)]

I have such an amazing daughter!! Really. I mean it would have been just enough that she was my daughter. On that account she doesn't have to be any more, but not only am I so lucky that this little girl is my daughter, but beyond being my daughter she is totally amazing!

And there's cuteness like in the shower, how she puts her hand to her liquid soap and "presses" it (I'm sure it won't be long before she figures that one out.. lol) and then does the motion of cleaning herself. Or bringing me my glasses so I can find her her bottle. Or carrying the heavy mineral water bottle so I can fill her bottle. Or the kisses she now gives, well not so much as a kiss, but you ask her for a kiss, and she brings her open mouth to you :-). [but only one at a time! ask for another and you won't get]. Or how she now waves hello and goodbye. Or bringing me toilet paper while I'm at the toilet. Well I should add that she seemed to be aiming it between my legs... And then one day when I was wiping myself after a trip to the loo, she had such a look on her face as if to say - that's how it is done. notes taken.. Or climbing into the chair where she eats (a booster on a regular chair). Or... could fill a page or two, should probably stop here..

And I look at her and can't believe she is mine. She is my little daughter! Don't know if it's because she so does not look like me or if because while I always wanted to be a mother, there was a dark time of too many years when I thought that would never happen. But she is here, and while I hardly have time for myslef, I do have my little Butterfly!

And I am thinking very much of number two (heck I even have a name, boy and girl!). And I've heard how the heart expands and all when you have that second (third, fourth, tenth....) child. But right now my little heart feels like it is almost going to explode from the love I have to her, and how can there be room to love another..

The Worst Mother

Yes, that would be me. People always ask me how are the nights and if she sleeps through the night etc. Well no and mostly I'm okay with that part of the night (and drives me crazy how people say/think poor me and how she should sleep a whole night blah blah. We bed share, I don't need to wake early for work, nights work for me/s). What people don't so much ask, and what does not work for me is the going to sleep. It could take two or more hours. Very frustrating. [even now while I'm typing she is very much awake and playing]. We actally did manage to establish a routine in the last week or so of bath/shower and then B.E.D. [oh please, we did try that in the past. didn't work..]. Today there was no shower (needed to turn boiler on for the first time, forgot one switch..... water was too cold..). And so no sleep. URG. [she is now going through all my old letters/cards, handing some to me, tearing others. shall I add another urg...]. Anyway [and sorry for this one big paragraph. not in the mood to do paragraphs] I am patient and patient and patient. But at some point I loose it. Well I used to be bad at that, I think I improved a lot, but still I get very impatient. So it is ten o'clock. She is finally in bed with some nice quiet music in the backgrond [a take two from about ten minutes earlier when she bit me throgh the shirt instead of waiting for me to prepare myself]. I'll cut it short to me not letting her off the bed (forgot she may need to pee) and her peeing on the bed and very angry me taking her to the potty, and might I add, I was not gentle taking her, rather I felt I was quite violent and violently putting her down. [23:00. someone is sleeping. hurray]. But that's not the worst part :-(. The potty happened to be near the corner of the cupboard. Putting her down she almost got a bang from it and there was this thought that passed my head how she would have deserved such a bang. Yes, please hang me in the town centre for being such an awful mum. While I didn't physically hurt her my manner was very violent. Did I mention in an earlier post becoming my father?? Don't remember if I did but these episodes so make me feel like I am.
Anyway having a cuppa tea, and on to my form and blog reading. Goodnight.

One and a third

[H in title probably last one in post as one needs to press key very ard. And let me tell you tat in ebrew it is very bad as te ebrew letter is someting like an e, very popular.. and I'm tired of stopping my flow of writing tinking for tat letter. Okay, migt be a bit of a callange to read me today :-))]

So, my little girl is one and a tird, wic obviously means a little summery ;-).
Rigt now my little princess is sleeping wit only one sleeve on. ad to cange er wile se's sleeping - we did a ead and one arm, waiting wit te oter arm.. [omg, I sould probably put an X were tere was a certain letter!] Some nigXts are easier, some more difficult, but mostly it's still quiet a cXallange getting Xer to sleep.
Xer water bottle is Xer dummy, and until a week or two ago, sXe would go to sleep Xaving some water and tXen a bit of (my) milk and so on. And nigXts wXen sXe doesn't go straigXt to sleep, i.e most nigXts, tXat [can I skip te X?] means a lot of water. And a lot of pee. And a very frustrated moter. And a wasload for just one nigt.
And ten I stopped giving water at nigt. And o my, wat a difference! We evan ad a nigt + morning nap wit te bed being dry! Yes rare event.

Wic leads to te toilet training. It is going painfully slow. Backwards, more like. Neverte less, I no longer put a nappy on er and don't intend to. I really ated er being wit a nappy and I would rater deal wit all te misses and wit nasty angry family members [tere is a post I've been wanting to write for some time. not about said person but wit relevance] tan a nappy. I just wis we would be moving forward :-(.

On to a appier subject - finally (after 4 monts of walking!) I got Butterfly a pair of soes. Was very funny seeing er try to walk in tem in te sop, se was like an elepant on te moon :-). But se got te ang of it quite quickly and se loves wearing tem!

I'm a bit sad because does tis mean an end to my little girl wo will walk on anyting bare footed? I ate wearing soes and I kind of liked ow se is not affraid to walk on stones and te likes [side note - se does so because se wants. se does not ave to go to were te cats are fed and play wit teir food or go on er own free will to my sister's ouse....]

And I don't know if it's te new soes, but se now does. not. like. te. pram. I walked wit er to a distant playground, pusing te pram as a potty older and if/wen girl gets tired. Well returning ome se got tired but would not go in te pram just wanted to be eld. I don't mind olding er and I do tat a lot, but not wen tere's a pram. So we ad a little scene.... And I ad my very bad mummy moment trying to force er in. We ended up wit er sitting on te ood (Xood).

Se is a very stubborn or sould I say persistant little girl. If se as er eyes on someting se will try and try and try and again try. Like putting on sorts [sXorts..] and/or knickers. O.K, se loves playing wit my knickers, put tem on er ead, as a necklace etc. But wit ers se mostly tries to wear tem properly. And as I said, se really tries ard at it. Te oter day se actually managed to put on a pair of sorts, one leg in eac ole, only er big butt (our little screet, but my girl really Xas a big butt!) in te way.. Se does not understand te one leg in eac ole, so it really was a fluke, but se is trying.

Se's a good eater (in fact we just ad a growt spurt te oter day, or sould I say nigt). Toug funny ow se isn't so muc into bread. Mostly se will "lick" te spread [usually ceese]. I try sitting wit er at tat little table in above picture so as to eat meals togete. O and tat table.. I found it once wile coming back from a walk wit er. Was quite difficult as it is eavy and ow do you take it and te pram?? But I knew it would be gone so I someow managed. Ten at ome I painted it/ decorated wit stickers. Not te best job, but I am quite proud..

P.S

For obvious reasons, I'm not spell cecking. ope not too many mistakes...

P.P.S

Xope it wasn't too difficult to read. Sould I edit putting Xs in?

My Yom Kippur

There will always be that Yom Kippur. The one in '73. Not only was it a big trauma for my country, but for me this is my first memory*. I remember visiting my mother in the hospital as she just gave birth to my little sister (#6), and how they covered all the windows in black. And the atmosphere, oh I can remember the tense and serious atmosphere all around.


And of course there is this Yom Kippur. Maybe not my daughter's first, but certainly the first with some meaning. So we walked on the road - oh yes, on the road! Yom Kippur is also called here bike holiday as nobody drives! For years I really hated YK except for the walking in the middle of the road, always loved being able to do that, and now my daughter can too :-). And she is such an independent little girl, going here and there, and she really goes off without caring if I'm around.
And I wasn't planning to, so we weren't really dressed nicely, but towards the end we went into the synagogue and let her absorb the atmosphere, the praying and all the people and most importantly - hearing the shofar!


But my Yom Kippur is and will always be the one three** years ago. The one in which I just got my second Beta results. I hardly went in for the first one as I just knew I was not pregnant, only going for the Beta so as not to have to go through Yom Kippur with even the slightest hope. But oh my, what a lovely number and quickly to find where I can have that second Beta taken on Yom Kippur eve! Finding out I was most certainly pregnant on Yom Kippur - that will always be meaningful for me!!


* Actually I know today that these are more than one memory that got mixed together, as my sister was born on the first and the war broke out on the 6th.

** (EDT) O.K this is probably why I am not a math teacher: it was the third YK since and including, meaning TWO years ago....